JOKES AND FUNS

EDUCATIONAL JOKES

2024-12-10T03:38:00.000-08:00

Here are some funny and educational jokes:

1. On Science:

Why did the atom break up with its partner?

Because it found them too neutron!

2. On Math:

Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because it knew it wasn’t less than or greater than!

3. On Grammar:

Why did the comma break up with the period?

It felt like it was being overlooked.

4. On Biology:

What do you call a fish that practices medicine?

A sturgeon!

5. On History:

Why did Napoleon hide his vegetables?

He didn’t want to meet his Waterloo(cumber)!

6. On Health:

Why don’t ginger and garlic ever fight?

Because they’re a root-ing for each other to spice up your life!

7. On Space:

Why did the astronaut break up with their partner?

They needed space!

8. On Chemistry:

What did one ion say to another?

"Stop being so negative!"

Sunday Joke & More

2022-11-10T00:47:00.000-08:00

Have I got a smile for you today!

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'
==================================================
Sorry, no Sun-Block for you, but I have something that can help you.

Let me introduce you to Dennis Becker. Dennis and I started out about the same time, well no, he started out in 2002 or there a bouts. And for me it was 2003.

Dennis spent himself into so much credit card debt, he would be 80 years old or older to pay it back. I did the same thing, but at my age I would have been 98 years old, still working and never have it paid off with minimum payments or late payments.

Sounds very familiar, to you, doesn't it? However, this is not about paying off the moola you owe. But you will be able too, if you change you mind about several things in your life.

Dennis was talking with his mentor, one night, 5 years ago and really had a honest to goodness change of thinking, that literally turned his life around. Fortunately, several months later he wrote a report, "5 Bucks A Day" that I bought and read. (still have it on my hard drive and refer back to it when I get stuck in a rut)

Finally, Dennis has updated the report by removing some of the ideas that are outdated and adding a whole bunch more that work today. How do I know they work? Because I bought the new report and it is filled with the latest ideas which you and me can put to work today.

I found a short cut that has made me an extra $13.00 this morning.
It's not a fortune but it's thirteen dollars (well actually $12.65 after PayPal fees, that I didn't have when I woke up.

But the important thing is you can do the exact same thing I did, and you can do it, just as soon as you read the updated "5 Bucks A Day". Copy and paste or just click on the below link.

http://tinyurl.com/3bdsxll

Best

Ken
P.S. Sorry but you will have to do some work, just like I had to, when Barb and I got out of debt, in just under 6 years. BTW, before I forget if you get the report through my link, I will receive a commission.

P.S.S. This is good stuff, if you put it to work. If not, please don't waste your $5.00. Will this change your life like it helped change mine, it could, but I can't guarantee that nor can Dennis. However we can guarantee for 60 days to give a no questions asked refund.

So go ahead click the link http://tinyurl.com/3bdsxll

Ken Leatherman
h

THE GREAT WARRIOR

2021-07-01T13:49:00.001-07:00

The Great Warrior name is Jamba who live 100 years ago and married 27 beautiful ladies, he so powerful in bed that he always defeated his wive when it come to love fight on the bed any woman he handle will not let him go because to them , they are in small paradise, , Jamba had this massive thing that any woman that taste it will not let him go, they will be calling for more. That is why is able to marry 27 wives .all of them have timetable or routine of daily/night love fight, ..This is a fight of love and ectasy. .However MrJamba is not a rich man financial zero but how come he is able to marry 27 wives is a misery and unbelievable. Is that some women marry hi. before of his powerful and superior skill in doing it to women.but one day 16 years old girl defeated Mr Jamba.Howdid he do it, To get the secret , kindly iinvite your friend and love one to visit this site as the great strategy will be revealed. .

Sometimes reality is stranger than fiction.

2011-07-20T01:29:00.000-07:00

Frankly speaking, that was an expensive joke from the wife. Just because of A.Y show? She just rattled a sleeping trouble. She has murdered TRUST in the marriage. The husband too can equally say, he was playing pranks on her to spite her about sleeping with the sister for the past 5 years.

Radio programme or not, the husband will now be looking at the purported 9 year old child with doubt.. Except if the child is a carbon copy of the DAD. The wife too will be suspicious about the husband towards any female member of her family henceforth. That is, if the marriage will even stand again.

Hallos peeps,

It's a krazy world we live in, and sometimes reality is stranger than fiction.

Imagine this:

Woman: hello, good morning.

Radio Station: Good morning, what can we do for u today?

Woman: Please I will like two tickets to the A.Y live show holding this weekend.

Radio Station: well, you can have the ticket only if u can play a prank on someone on air and make them believe it.

Woman: No problem, what do u want me to do?

Radio Station: Are u married? Do u have kids?

Woman: Yes, I've been married for 10 years and I have a 9 year old son and a 5 year old daughter.

Radio Station: OK, good. This is what u will do, u will call your husband and tell him he is not the father of your son.

Woman: (laughs) wow, that's a big one.

Radio Station: Well, depends on how bad u want the tickets, and anyway we will be live on air listening to you and will step in to tell him it's all a prank. So u are ready?

Woman: Ok, I'm ready, let's do this cos I really want to go for the show.

Radio Station: Alright, give us his number let's call him and do a 3 way, where is he right now?

Woman: He is in the office, this is his number………………………………!!!!

(Radio Station calls the husband and do a 3 way phone call without the husband knowing he is on the air……………………!!!)

Woman: hello darling.

Husband: hi love, missing me already?

Woman: Yes dear, how is work dear?

Husband: Good, missing u too baby, can't wait to get back home and make sweet love to u all over again like we did this morning.

Woman: Me too love. But ….em…..em……there is something I want to tell u.

Husband: Ok, I'm all ears dear, but let's make it quick cos I have a meeting in 5 minutes.

Woman: U know I love u?

Husband: Yes I do.

Woman: And we have promised to always be sincere to each other.

Husband: Yes we did.

Woman: And we are Christians that believe in Christ and would do as Christ will do.

Husband: U are starting to scare me dear, please, what's this about?

Woman: Something happened in my office 9 years ago.

Husband: Please tell me, what's happened?

Woman: The annual xmas party we have every December in the office, 9 years ago I got so drunk and had sex with a co-worker. I swear I was so drunk I did not know what I was doing and em….em…..em……… u are not the father of our son.

Husband: WHAAAATTTT ?????

Woman: I just felt I should let u know. But I don't even talk to the guy anymore; it was just a one off thing.

Husband: and u are just telling me now? Are u insane? Do u know what this will do to me?

Woman: I'm sorry love; I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Husband: I can't believe u would do this to me; this is crazy, I'm so mad with u right now.

Woman: I'm so sorry my love, please don't be mad with me, I just felt I should confess and then u can forgive me like the true Christians we are.

Husband: U are crazy. U want forgiveness? Ok, u too forgive this, I have been sleeping with your sister for the past 5 years.

Radio Station: HOLY SHIT !!!!!

Woman: What did u say?

Husband: U heard me; after all, u are in the mood to confess and be forgiven, so I've also given u my own confession so we can be on the same page. Is there someone on the phone with u?

Radio Station: sir, this is a live show, u are on the air right now, we asked your wife to play a prank on u to that u guys can get two tickets to go watch the AY live show this weekend.

Husband: Oh shit !!!

Woman: Are u serious??? Tell me, are u serious?

Radio Station: wow, this is not what we expected sir.

Husband: I can't talk right now……………… (Phone cuts).

Hmmm, crazy, right??? So, if u were the woman, what will u do?

And as the guy, damage control? Denial? Ask for forgiveness? What would u do?

Holla back guys.

________________________________

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CAREER TEST

2011-06-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

Career Test!!!

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable
to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small
test.

They took a 50,000 cash, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping
he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be
a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but
if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be
a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited
nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son
arrive home.

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later.
Then, he took the 50,000 cash, counted it carefully, and looking left and
right, put it in his trouser pocket. After that, he took the
Bible, flipped through it, and took it also. Finally, he
grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciable whiff
to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room
carrying all the three items.

Meanwhile in their hiding place...
The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even
worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"He's surely going to be a politician. Its only the spirit of greed in
politicians that will make him carry away all the three items" the father
replied

PATERNITY MATTER--YOU WILL SO LAUGH.

2011-05-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

Mother: Son I'm sorry i slept with someone that is not your dad 23 years ago. And that person is your real father.

Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this?! You should be hanged.

Mother: I am sorry he is my first love and i could not marry him cause we are of different religion. He is on the phone at the moment and wants to speak with his son for the first time ever.

Son: No i am speaking to no one. Mr Alani is the only father i know and so will that be.

Mother: Please dont be soo upset. Just talk to him.

Son: Ok, I will give him a piece of my mind!

Phone: Morning Son, I am Mallam Aliko Dangote. I am your real father.

Son: Daddy! Daddy!! Daddy!!! Thank God! I always knew there was something special about me... Thank you mum. You are the best mother in the world

APPRECIATION

2011-04-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

The Director noticed the tears in the youth's eyes, asked: " Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?"
The youth answered, " I cleaned my mother's hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes'
The Director asked, " please tell me your feelings."
The youth said, Number 1, I know now what is appreciation. Without my mother, there would not the successful me today. Number 2, by working together and helping my mother, only I now realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done. Number 3, I have come to appreciate the importance and value of family relationship.
The director said, " This is what I am looking for to be my manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired.
Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and as a team. The company's performance improved tremendously.
A child, who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wanted, would develop "entitlement mentality" and would always put himself first. He would be ignorant of his parent's efforts. When he starts work, he assumes that every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others. For this kind of people, who may be good academically, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel sense of achievement. He will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parents, are we really showing love or are we destroying the kid instead?*
You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is your kid learns how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learns the ability to work with others to get things done.
You would have forwarded many mails to many and many of them would have back mailed you too...but try and forward this story to as many as possible...this may change somebody's fate...

The Cruel Boss

2011-02-12T09:02:00.000-08:00

This story tells us not to be 'too kind' to our bosses. Here it goes:

There's this Jed Smith who was working for a multi-millionaire as a house guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jed Smith ran out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire' s car just right in front of the
gate.

He said 'Sir! Sir! Are you going to board a plane?'

'Yes, why?' asked the millionaire.

'You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the plane going to crash.'

Curious over the early morning fright that Jed Smith had given, the multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip.

'You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal.'
The following day, there was a news report that the plane which the millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed.

'Thank God, I cancelled the trip', the rich man said realising that what Jed Smith had said had come true, he summoned Smith to see him. When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him.

WHY did he do that?

Think first…..

Use
your brains…..

Use your brains!!!

Still no idea?

Come on….. it is quite easy…..

Still drawing a blank???

Just imagine you are Jed Smith and you have saved your boss's life…..

OK, since you do not want to 'use your brain' like Jed Smith before you talk to your boss.

Just scroll down for the answer …

Jed Smith was supposed to guard the
house at night. NOT to Sleep and Dream all night!

ADVICE: So, GO BACK TO WORK, and don't try to save your boss's life. It's not worth it!

Just Watch Your Next Action

2011-01-08T08:44:00.000-08:00

BEFORE YOU PACK, KNOW THAT OTHER PEOPLE ALSO KNOW HOW TO PACK

A man and his wife quarreled and had a fight. After the fight, the wife went
into the bedroom.
A few minutes later, the husband also trooped into the bedroom and only to find
the wife busy packing her suitcase.
He asked "You are packing! Where are you going??"
She answered "To my mother!"

The man paused for a while and also got his big brown pure leather suitcase and
started packing his clothes.

The wife angrily stared at him and said "You are packing! Where are you going?"

He replied " Oh ya! I am going to my mother!"
The wife "To your mother! And what about the children! Who is going to look
after them?" The man "You are going to your mother! Fine. I am also going to my mother. The
children also should go to their mother"

The woman stopped packing. She looked steadily at the husband and was left
without any other option but just to shed tears of joy. She then hugged the man
and said, "You are very intelligent. No wonder I married you; Tea, Coffee OR
Me???

REASONS TO LAUGH

2010-11-13T02:20:00.000-08:00

You don't need to wait for Night of thousand laugh, you can have a second joke that could give you reasons to laugh!

Check this out.

A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down.

Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

The Nigerian Police saw him and wanted to make some money of him, so they challenged him. "Hey!!! wetin you carry, Where you dey carry that thing go?!"

Trust an Igbo man...

"I no like the place where them bury me, so I dey try relocate".

The Police men all took their heels!

Have a great day.

THE BULL STORY

2010-10-24T06:17:00.000-07:00

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the farmer was going to bring yet another bull onto the farm, and this prospect raised a discussion among them.

1st Bull: "Boys, we all know I have been here for five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. I don´t know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I ain´t givin´ him any of mine."

2nd Bull: "That pretty much says it for me too. I´ve been here for three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we have agreed are mine. I´ll fight him off or kill him, but I´m keeping all my cows."

3rd Bull: "I´ve only been here a year and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."

They had just finished their big talk when a big 18-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the paddock with only one animal in it.

It was the biggest son-of-another-bull these guys had ever seen. At 2000 kg, each step he took the ground strained the steel ramp to breaking point.

1st Bull: "Ahem...you know, it´s actually been some time since I was doing all my cows justice. Anyway, I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

2nd Bull:"I´ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite side of the paddock from him. I´m certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at there young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

1st Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

3rd Bull: "Hell he can have all my cows. I´m just making sure he knows I´m a bull."

MARRIAGE HUMOUR

2010-10-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
_____________
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
----------------------! --------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
----------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '
I like your sense of humour!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folks

WHAT A STUPID MAN!!!

2010-09-30T16:50:00.000-07:00

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

WHAT A STUPID MAN!!!

We all look but see differently, may our spiritual eyes never go blind.

POLICE DEY READ BIBLE OOOO!

2010-09-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

On Lagos-Ibadan express road when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite naturally, wanted 'something' from him. Since he was not prepared to play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything without any offence with which to nail the 'stubborn' pastor, they now asked him to open the bonnet of his car. A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that letter U was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter V. That was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout "stolen vehicle!" Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied :"Please, leave that pastor thing...in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a Bible in your car, bring it." The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered:
"Please read Matthew 5:25, 26 to me".
The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:
"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."
The man of God quietly made an "offering" of "just" one N100 to his newly found "preacher".
End of service! Go in peace and argue no more, said the OC.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mallam Sule bought a new bullet proof jeep for N75M so he went to warri and while there he was attacked by armed robbers who rained bullets on his car.

To Sule's amazement the car resisted all. So he started mouthing words at the bandits. One of them gestured that he could not hear him so he wound down his window and shouted, 'shege danbura uba, barawon banza, you waka'

...He has since been buried according to Muslim rites

WOMEN !!!

2010-09-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

Jim, Tom and Eric die and arrive at the gate of saint Paul: Saint Paul then explains to them, 'Heaven is a very big place and you need a car to get around'.
The car you get depends solely on how faithful you were to your spouse while you alive.
Jim was married for 15 years and cheated on his wife 3 times so he got a Citi Golf.
Tom was married 20 years and cheated on his wife once so he got a Toyota Corolla.
Eric was married 50 years and never cheated on his wife so he got a BMW.
Jim and Tom were very envious of Eric.
A couple of months later Jim and Tom see Eric sitting on the pavement crying.....
Tom asks: 'Whats wrong buddy?
Eric replies: 'I just saw my wife!!!
Jim asks:'So? Why are you crying?'
*
*
*
*
Eric says:'She was on a bicycle!'

.................................................................................................................................

The daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out: " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mom through??!!"
he girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat
and title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million
for my little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the
spanking
new BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country
Club... an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and ...

"Now what was it you said you had become?"
!
Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!"... Sniff, sniff
..

"Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought yo

u said "a
Protestant".
"Come here and give your old man a hug!"

THE BEST MAN JOKE BOOK

FINAL CONCERN

2010-09-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

An Igbo man on his dying bed surrounded by his family

mutters his last words to his wife.

Nne where is Chukwudi? In tears she replies, 'he is here'.

He goes on, where is Chukwuemeka

He is here she replies...

Adaobi nkor ..she is here

Chekube?

He is here she answers.

In serious pain he asked again; what of Chikodi?

He is also here ....

With his last breath he exclaims....

" SO WHO UNA COME LEAVE FOR SHOP NOW?.."

Read and laugh it off.

Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom!"
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Chinese Adam & Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise
because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the SNAKE

To surprise her husband an executive's wife decided to stop by his office. On entering the office, she saw the secretary on her husband's laps. In order to defend himself the husband said "budget cut or no budget cut management must do something. I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat ,

JOKES PEOPLE LOVE (This is the best collections of jokes and humours on the internet, grab your copy today and you will never remain the same)

L A U G H!

2010-09-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'

'Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who just likes your smile'

NAILS IN THE FENCE

2010-09-14T15:28:00.000-07:00

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first daythe boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, 'You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will
never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. But It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound will still be there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
Remember that friends are very rare jewels indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed; They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.

A MUST READ!!

2010-09-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up stone
and
scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the
child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a
wrench.
At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.
When the child saw his father.....with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when
will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless; he went
back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.
Devastated by his own actions......sitting in front of that car he looked
at the
scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.
The next day that man committed suicide. . .

Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely
life..... Things are to be used and people are to be loved,
But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are
loved... During this year, let's be careful to keep this thought in
mind: Things are to be used, but People are to be loved ... Be
yourself....This is the only day we HAVE. Have a nice day

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits they become character;
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I'm glad a friend forwarded this to me as a reminder.
God bless you; I hope you are having a wonderful day!

If you don't pass this on to anybody, nothing bad will
happen;
if you do, you will have ministered to someone.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace
of God
will not PROTECT you...
Stay FAITHFUL and Be GRATEFUL

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KNOWING WHERE TO TAP
Have you ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed? The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure out how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer…………….……………. $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ............. ......... ....... $ 9,998.00
GRAND TOTAL ........ ............................. ...$10,000. 00

"Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

BAKED BEANS - THIS IS HILARIOUS!

2010-09-05T16:16:00.000-07:00

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill . I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I let off three more. The smell was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SICK AND TIRED OF WORK

2010-09-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P...M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night!!!"

What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

2010-09-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer believes that Nigerians are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Nigerian would like to play a fun game.

The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Nigerian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Nigerian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Nigerian and hands him $500. The Nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Nigerian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Joint Account
A Rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana and hands it
over to the cashier...shocked, the cashier asks.."Whats this for?"...the
Rasta man replies..."Me here to open a joint account"...

The Smuggler
Joseph comes up to the Cotonou border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders.

The Customs official stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Garri," answered Joseph.

The Customs official says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
The Customs official takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them
out and finds nothing in them but garri.

He detains Joseph overnight and has the garri analyzed, only to discover
that there is nothing but pure garri in the bags.

The Customs official releases Joseph, puts the garri into new bags,
hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The Customs Official asks, "What
have you got?"

"garri," says Joseph.

The Customs official does his thorough examination and discovers that
the bags contain nothing but garri. He gives the garri back to Joseph,
and Joseph crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Joseph doesn't show up one day and the Customs official meets
him in a beer parlour in Cotonou.

"Hey, my friend," says the Customs official, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Joseph sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

The innocents
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down

Main Street

when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'

'Tammie give it to me,' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck! '

'Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!'

Arrested for laughing

2010-09-01T15:10:00.000-07:00

This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.... .......... ......She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant..

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed... ......!!!!!!!!

How to make a living as an Artist

THE WEDDING NIGHT

2010-07-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon. So they go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning Johnny, - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies - "No".
Johnny asks - "Do you know what I think ?"
His mum replies - "I don't want to hear what you think just go to school".

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum - "Are Paul and Mary up yet ?"
She replies - "No".
Johnny says - "Do you know what I think ?"
His mum replies - "Never mind what you think ! Eat your lunch and go for your tuition .."

After tuition Johnny comes home and asks again - "Are Paul and Mary up yet ?"
His mum says - "No."
He asks - "Do you know what I think ?"
His mum replies - "Ok, now tell me what you think"

He says - "Last night Paul came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think I gave him my super glue by mistake".

Moral of the story....it pays to listen to kids.

FW: BIG FOOL

2010-07-21T15:52:00.000-07:00