JOKES BLOG

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Wed, 24 Aug 2016 15:50:00 +0000

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

I DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 16:59:00 +0000

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

MODEL SUES MEXICAN PLASTIC SURGEON FOT NOT MAKING HER NIPPLES "EVEN" AFTER A BREAST IMPLANT.

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:47:00 +0000

Don't copy if you can't paste!

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 01:07:00 +0000

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, ' The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!'

The crowd was shocked. He followed up by saying, 'That woman was my mother!'

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out '...and I can't remember who she was!'

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

HUMOUR

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 20:20:00 +0000

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:

Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:

Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time

On a bulletin board:

Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...

I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....

He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:

Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..

Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off

'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....

Behind Every Great Man,

There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because

Women Ask too Many Questions..

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,

Snore And You sleep Alone

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe

Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :

We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..

JUST FOR LAUGH...INDIAN JOKES

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 02:14:00 +0000

In war soldiers get injured, right? Here's how different races exclaim:

When the BRITISH got shot - OH MY GOD.....!!!!
When the MALAY got shot - YA ALLAH....!!!
When the INDIAN got shot - AH-YOYO AMMAH...!!!
But when the CHINESE Hokkien got shot, they go - NABUEH CHEE BYE, TIOK
LIAO...!!!!

****************************

Signal for sex:

Man marries deaf girl. He mimes to her: "Let's make a signal code if we
want
sex?"
She nods and agrees. So he goes: "If I want sex, I'll squeeze your
breast.

In response you can shake my penis once for "yes" and 50 times for
"no"....

****************************

Smart Thambi

Thambi ask hooker how much for sex? She says: $50 on bed, $20 on sofa
and $10 on
grass.
He then hands her $50. She says: "You man of class, one time on bed...?"
He says: "NO!! 5 times on grass...."

****************************

Comfort in Friendship:

"Friends" are like underwear; always a comfort...
"Good friends" are like condoms; always protecting...
"Great friends" are like viagra; lift you up when you're down ...

****************************

New drink from Malaysia:

The Malaysian government has approved the release of a new drink made
with
cutting edge technology.
It's a combination of Horlicks, Milo Kopi & Teh.
It's called - "LICKMYKOTEH"....

****************************

Expiry date

A 95 yr old man sucks his 90yr old wife's breast for 1/2 hour, drinks 2
drops of
her milk and dies...
Post-mortem report - Died of drinking something after EXPIRY DATE ...

****************************
Biology Lesson

Teacher: A man's penis has 2 key functions: Urination & Reproduction.

Student: But my dad uses it to brush our maid's teeth.

****************************

Positive thinking

Positive thinking is like this.... A little bird flies up in the sky;
you look up
and it shits in your eye...
But you don't mind and you don't cry... But you thank God that cows
don't
fly.....

****************************

Sexy Grandma

Last night, grandma wore a see-through top, grandpa didn't notice.
The 2nd night grandma wore a bikini, grandpa got a shock.
And on the 3rd night, she got naked and grandpa says to her: "why is
your dress
so crumpled...???"

****************************
Government job

A guy goes to interview for a Government job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have
any
service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion
removed my private parts so they declared me disabled,
it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I
can hire
you right now !
Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you
started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to
come at
10?"
" Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and
scratch
our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that
!"

SURPRISE BALLOON FOR GUYS .... ENJOY!

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 17:07:00 +0000

Why so many keys are so rusty????? Please answer.

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 15:33:00 +0000

Why Why Why

Woman asks:

If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come? Man replies:

It's very simple.
Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!'.

My boss fainted when he sees the form filled by the interviewee....

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 18:38:00 +0000

RESUME SENT IN BY A CHINESE GIRL first time filling up an application
form

Name: Ah Meng
Age: Still young
Sex: Never. Still under age
Religion: I only have experience praying my cat who dead
2 years before
Race: I love to race, how you know?
Nationality: I don't like National, I prefer Sanyo
IC Number: i see this number 6735
Telephone number: House no telephone
Hand phone number: 3310 nokia
Address: Penang Jelutong
Who founded Penang KAWAN KAKAK LAMPU
City : Nor Haliza? is it !!
Postcode: I never post anything
State: i good state of mind In my family,
Country: I love travel to Canada
Marriage status: got two boy friend
Email Address: Hotmail
Education Background: My teacher said not bad
Working experience: Last time got sell pirated VCD
Father's name: Daddy
Father's IC: You ask him
Mother's name: Mummy
Mother's IC: You ask her
Salary Expected: Yes
Hobbies: play empat ekor kena 2 time starter
When can you start work: i comming out of jail this thursday can start
on friday
Highest qualification: Ya, very high
Grade: Ya, very high
College/University: College
Signature: Can I use chop aarr?

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 23:53:00 +0000

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---if not we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS!

GENIE IN A BOTTLE

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your sexy wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but how do you feel about it honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable and the sexy woman did not disappoint him. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Can we fix it...???? Yes we can!!

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 11:30:00 +0000

YEAR 3000

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 22:00:00 +0000

Funny Coca-Cola

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Ads vs Reality

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 11:38:00 +0000

People around the world know fast food as one of the most reliable distributors of disappointment ever produced by the business world. We know that if we ever feel the need to complain about something, we can just grab a page out of a coupon booklet, adorned in pictures of juicy burgers, then go have a party. Why, the restaurants themselves usually plaster their walls with pictures of juicy burgers – often hanging right over your table – so that you need only open your eyes to find something to compare your food with, while you eat it.

Well Creative Photos

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

SUPER GLUE

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 15:04:00 +0000

Strange Job Ever Seen

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 23:00:00 +0000

It may be rare you see in here, for life is rarely willing to do work that others can't do it.

Five Riddles

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 11:37:00 +0000

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST I HAVE SEEN....

THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM....

THESE RIDDLE ARE AMAZING...

ENJOY AND SHARPENS YOUR BRAIN .......

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.

Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.

How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

SAMSUNG EARPHONES

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

There are No Ugly Women, just Poor Ones

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 00:37:00 +0000

There are no ugly women........only poor ones.......

This photo below was taken at a competition in June 2008. The competition was between 9 women for best makeover.

They had every possible beauty treatment available to them over a period of 12 hours before the contest.

Look at the before and after photos. Conclusion - there are no ugly women only poor women .

The woman 2nd from the left won the contest.

My goodness !!!!!! This is how men get cheated!

Extra Marital Affairs

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Why Sex Education Is Important

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 20:36:00 +0000

Muthusamy gets married, and on his wedding night calls his father to get some tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman before.......

"So what do I do first?"

His father replies:

"Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed".

Five minutes later Muthu is on the phone again.

"She's naked and in bed what do I do now?"

His father can't believe what he is hearing,

"Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her."

After another 5 minutes Muthu is on the phone again.

"Appachchi, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?"

His father's patience is now running out so he says,

"Sh*t son, do I have to spell everything out to you?? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees...... Good night"!!!!

"Just when his father starts snoring, Muthu is on the phone again.

"OK Appachchi, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

"Drown yourself, you bloody idiot !

Two priests on vacation

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 09:08:00 +0000

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs,

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine..

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,

'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

Porsche & the Singaporean lawyer‏

noreply@blogger.com (Captain) — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 03:00:00 +0000

This is a good one....typical singaporean...lol

A very successful Singaporean lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche; it was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop might try to make it new again.

His lights flashing, but before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before ,was now completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally calmed down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said.

'You're so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life'

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!'

'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer.

'MY ROLEX!!!'