Jokes For Emails

Jokes from an old phone

2011-02-16T16:29:00.000-08:00

...These are few jokes i found on an old mobile...

paddy says "look at that flock of cows" "herd of cows you daft twat" says murphy. "of course i've heard of cows, theres a bloody flock of them over there!!!"

taffy, jock and paddy are chatting. taffy says "women are stupid! my wifes just bought a car and she cant even drive!". "thats nothing" says jock "my wifes on a diet and she aint even fat" paddy says "thats fuck all, my wife has taken 30 condoms to ibiza and she dont even have a cock!!"

policeman pulls over paddy for speeding. "have you been drinking sir?" paddy replies "yes officer, i have had about 18 pints, 2 bottles of hooch and 6 bacardi and cokes" policeman says "what the hell are you doing driving?" paddy replies "i couldnt walk"

Rick astley asked if he could borrow my collection of pixar films. Okay i said, you can have toy story, cars and finding nemo. but i am never gonna give you up!!

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet saying its got epilepsy. the vet says "he looks calm enough to me" paddy replied "i've not taken it out of the fucking bowl yet"

Theres a new craze in glasgow pubs. girls are putting vodka jelly up their snatches and having blokes suck it out with straws. police and health authorities are now worried about the effects of minge drinking.

i take you to be my lawful wedded texting buddy. to have and to harass, in rich quotes & funny jokes, till low battery or credit or minutes do us part. (send this on to all your texting buddies <3)

Mick opens paddys fridge and says "why do you always keep an empty bottle of milk in the fridge?" paddy replies "in case someone wants a black coffee you thick twat"

a vampire bat arrives back at the cave with his face mouth and teeth all covered in blood. all the other bats get excited and ask where he got it from. "follow me" he says, so off they fly, over the hills, over the river and into the dark forest. "see that tree over there" "yes" they all replied ...."well i didnt!"

Happy Halloween..

2010-10-29T13:13:00.001-07:00

Ok I Know It Is Bit Early.. And It Is A Bit Stupid And Rubbish.. But Here It Is:

Once upon a time there was a little ghost who wanted to go out haunting for halloween but didnt have anything to wear. So he went to all the other ghosts to see if he could borrow a costume, but he had to stay home because nobody gave a sheet!!

Happy Halloween

XxxXxxX

Happy New Year

2009-12-31T04:41:00.001-08:00

Just a message to wish you a

Happy New Year

Best Wishes From Us For 2010

Joke Of The Year...

2009-12-19T14:03:00.001-08:00

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'
The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK ! 'The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?' The African lady checks her watch and says

...'Probably at work'

Oh to Be 12 Again...

2009-12-19T14:02:00.001-08:00

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; Nemesis, Oblivion, Hex, Ripsaw, and the Spinball Whizzer... everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets.......M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you fool!!!!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

This Is How The Fight Started...

2009-12-19T14:00:00.001-08:00

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

**************************

****************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

************************** ****************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

************************** ****************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

************************** ***************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

************************** ****************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

************************** ****************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

************************** ****************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since..'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

************************** ****************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

************************** ****************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......

A Koala

2009-12-10T15:16:00.000-08:00

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'

A mouse..

2009-12-01T16:30:00.000-08:00

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall

to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered.
He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard,

the mouse proclaimed this warning :

"There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched,

raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse,

I can tell this is a grave concern to you,

but it is of no consequence to me.

I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him,

"There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said,

"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,

but there is nothing I can do about it

but pray.

Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said,

"There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you,

but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house,

head down and dejected,

to face the farmer's mousetrap

. . . Alone. .
That very night

a sound was heard throughout the house

-- the sound Of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did no see it.

It was a venomous snake

whose tail was caught in the trap.
The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

When she returned home she still had a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever

with fresh chicken soup.

So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard

for the soup's main ingredient, Chicken
But his wife's sickness continued.

Friends and neighbors

came to sit with her

around the clock.

To feed them,

the farmer butchered the pig.
But, alas,

the farmer's wife did not get well...

She died.
So many people came for her funeral

that the farmer had the cow slaughtered

to provide enough meat for all of them

for the funeral luncheon.
And the mouse looked upon it all

from his crack in the wall

with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear

someone is facing a problem

and you think it doesn't concern you,

remember ---
When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life.

We must keep an eye out for one another

and make an extra effort

to encourage one another.

Penguins

2009-12-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

Bill Gates' lesson in wisdom !

2009-12-01T14:57:00.000-08:00

This should be posted in all schools and work places...

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1:       Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2:    The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3:    You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4:     If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5:     Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6:     If you mess up, it’s not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7:     Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8:     Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9:     Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time..

Rule 10:    Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11:    Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you agree , pass it on.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!

Scottish Farmer...

2009-12-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

A man owned a small farm in Scotland . The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep..

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.'

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.'

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

Thomas The Tank Engine...

2009-12-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You bastards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added...........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.'

Nurses Arent Supposed To Laugh...

2009-12-01T14:24:00.000-08:00

. . . Nurses aren't supposed to laugh . . .

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over

twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,

revealing the tiniest 'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery..

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure..

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

Nominated Best Joke Of The Year...

2009-12-01T14:17:00.001-08:00

NOMINATED FOR BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'
The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'
The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'
She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

Yellow Pink Green

2009-12-01T14:12:00.001-08:00

We've all talked to this guy... At Last... A Picture of Him.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green ..'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

Advertising Doesnt Pay

2009-12-01T13:12:00.001-08:00

These classified ads were really put in the paper

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything.

Solve The Riddle

2009-12-01T13:09:00.000-08:00

Solve This Riddle:

 Scroll Down

I love Country Music

....bet you didnt see that one coming....  

The Traffic Camera

2009-12-01T13:07:00.000-08:00

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

Men . . . .

Jokes For Emails

2009-12-01T10:37:00.000-08:00

Hello and welcome to Jokes for Emails!

i have recieved a wide amount of email forwards, some good, some funny and some really crap! so i thought i would share the emails that i have recieved and give you guys ideas for your own emails or even for a funny note on facebook, they are handy to keep a hold of i think.

keep checking back for updates and further emails and jokes!