JOKES 'N' POKES

FUN WITH NUN

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 07:47:00 +0000

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER COIN IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, AND YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER COIN IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A VIOLIN.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG - I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A MAN CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS VIOLIN CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE MAN'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE VIOLIN, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER COIN, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG , YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.'

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.' SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER COIN AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE.'
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GRANDPA FROG

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:24:00 +0000

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grandpa's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, I guess Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandpa says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're all going to Disney world!"
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BUTT IN BUTT

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:19:00 +0000

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

“When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can’t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.”

“Thanks doc, I’ll try it.”

And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

“What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!”

“Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” said the patient.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass.”

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
- Emo Phillips

CHILD PRODIGY

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 08:56:00 +0000

A Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked, "Boy. What is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"

Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the 4th grade."

Madam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Madam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Boy, after a moment, "Legs."

Madam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Madam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Madam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand.

Boy: Fork

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy: SURNAME.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping and is responsible for making love?

Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to Harvard… I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
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BLIND DATE

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:48:00 +0000

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her.

She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy, by now exhausted, says:

“Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself.”

While out of the car, he notices a guy a half a block away changing a flat. He goes up to the guy and says;

“Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”

The guy agrees. He jumps into the back of the car and starts to go at it with the woman. He’s just getting to the gravy strokes when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks, “What’re you doing in there?”

The guy says “ I’m making love to my wife.”

The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”

The guy answers “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shone the light on her.
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IRISH PRIEST JOKE

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:40:00 +0000

An Irish priest was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a Donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:

"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
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DIRTY ? NEVER !!

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 12:31:00 +0000

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT ARE NOT, IN A LAW FIRM:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6 Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT ARE NOT, IN THE OFFICE:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT ARE NOT, IN GOLF:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

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GENEROUS ANALYST

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 08:07:00 +0000

"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."

"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.

"For all practical purposes, yes," said the doctor. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."

"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."

"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."

"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?"

"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
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BOB AND THE BLONDE

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 08:45:00 +0000

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money," said the blonde.

Bob replied, "I can't take your money.. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too. But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.
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BREEDING STOCK

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 07:23:00 +0000

A Welsh farmer drove to an animal breeder neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...and said,

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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ELDERLY HUMOUR

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 07:49:00 +0000

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

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Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
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DOCTORS’ STORIES

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 07:16:00 +0000

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

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A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.
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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
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At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.

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SAINTLY PARROTS

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 10:50:00 +0000

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing' .

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.

He thought for a moment....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase... in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

‘Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Then, Peter looked at Francis and said,

Praise the Lord!Put the beads away, Frank; Our prayers have been answered!
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DANGEROUS FRIDAY

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 13:02:00 +0000

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon.

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer no biggie --you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow...that's.... awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose .. . that's right you're dead - who cares!

Guy: Wow! I never realized Hell was such a swinging' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: No.....

Demon: Ooooh, then you're gonna hate Fridays.
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TOP SECRET SPY

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 07:57:00 +0000

During the Second World War an American secret service agent was sent to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.

He found himself on a desolate country road and where he ran into a farmer.

"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Jones."

"Well you're in luck boy-o," said the farmer, "there's lots of folk named Jones 'round here. There's Jones the butcher, Jones the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my name is Jones."

"Aha," thought the agent, "this could be my man." So he whispered the secret code.

"The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Jones the spy."
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JESUS! WHERE ARE YOU?

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 12:06:00 +0000

A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher ...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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GASSY CARPET

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 06:06:00 +0000

A lady is on holiday in Turkey when she stumbles upon an exotic rug shop. Upon entering she finds it has some of the finest rugs she has ever seen, particularly a large center piece which hangs on the main wall. The lady loves it and promptly goes over to inspect further. After admiring it's workmanship she decides to test the quality and bends down to feel the corner, as she does this she accidentally lets slip a very loud fart!

Embarrassed by her mishap she quickly looks round to make sure there is no-one about. Just at that moment a Turkish salesman appears from behind one of the stands....

"Can I help you m'am?" he asks the rather startled woman.

"Oh yes sir you can," she replies, hoping there is no odor, "I just love this rug," she exclaims, "it's the best I have ever seen, can you tell me how much it is?"

The salesman pauses, and rubs his chin... "Well madam, this is the finest rug in the land, hand crafted by the country's top rug weavers, and let me tell you this, if you farted by merely touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price.
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GOLF TUTORIAL

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 06:54:00 +0000

IMPORTANT STEPS:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

11. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
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LAWYERS Vs ENGINEERS

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 08:28:00 +0000

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three engineers cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please."
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ACQUITTED

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 08:15:00 +0000

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"
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LONG TERM WIFE

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 07:27:00 +0000

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night."

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3,000.

"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!"

"Yes," sniffs the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"
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NOT YET FINISHED

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 06:06:00 +0000

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
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WOULDN'T LIFT A FINGER

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 15:53:00 +0000

Ted’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room at the local hospital.

The ER doctor says, “Wow! that’s pretty bad. Don’t worry, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Ted says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”

The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers! This is a modern hospital, we’ve got highly trained micro surgeons and all kinds of incredible techniques. We could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

Ted says, “Well, shit, Doc, I tried but I couldn’t pick ‘em up.”
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BLACK AND BLUE

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 09:41:00 +0000

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?” But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another deceased was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.

"So . . . I switched the heads."

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THE COMING MAN

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 08:42:00 +0000

Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mail boxes wearing a robe.

Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open and its quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.

Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...”

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off. Now completely nude, she purrs at him, What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, its got to be your ears!”

Astounded, she replies, “My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full,don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?”

Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers, “Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me.”
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According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to hear with their breasts. Of course this is great for Italian men, because they talk with their hands.

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