JOKES 'N' POKES

SECRETIVE CUSTOMER

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 10:07:00 +0000

At the pharmacy, a man asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The lady at the counter said that she herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no male employees. She then asked how she could help. The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

She reminded him that she was completely professional, and he could speak with her in the utmost confidence.

"This is tough for me to discuss," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."

"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, "I'll go consult with my sister."

She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this at length. The absolute best we can do is: one-third ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses.
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WISDOM THROUGH HUMOUR

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Tue, 10 Dec 2013 07:04:00 +0000

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside himself.

He said, "My boy, the fight is between two wolves."

That certainly got the boy's attention.

"One is evil," the old man continued. "Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."

"What of the other, grandfather?" the boy asked.

"The other is good," he said. "Joy, Peace, Love, Hope, Serenity, Humility, Kindness, Benevolence, Empathy, Generosity, Truth, Compassion and Faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Do we all have such wolves fighting inside us, grandfather?"

"Yes," the wise old man said.

"Then, which wolf wins the fight?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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DRUNKEN TRICK

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sat, 07 Dec 2013 10:42:00 +0000

A man gets off the elevator at the bar on top of the Empire State Building. He is bowled over by the splendor and the view. He orders a drink, and then remarks about how there's a large open window with no guardrails or anything -- someone could fall a long way!

"There's no problem with that, it's completely safe!" says a man dressed in a sharp suit, glasses and a fedora. "Even if you fell out, the building creates a strong updraft current that will bring you right back to safety!"

"Huh?" the man says, incredulous.

"Sure, let me show you!" the man at the bar says, stepping to the window and allowing himself to fall right out.

"Oh my gosh!" says the newcomer. He bends over to look out the window to see what happened just as the man comes back up in the wind, right into the window, and lands right on his feet! Even his fedora is still firmly in place.

"That's amazing!" he says. "Does it happen like that all the time?"

"Yep, I've done it many times," says the square-jawed man. He offers to hold the newcomer's drink while he tries it.

"Here goes nothing," the newbie says. He leans out the window and falls out of the building — and all the way to the street where he goes Splat! The man in the suit says "tsk tsk tsk" and drinks the man's cocktail.

"You know," the bartender finally says to the regular, "you're really a mean bastard when you're drunk, Superman."
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ROMANTIC SOMNAMBULIST

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 05 Dec 2013 08:17:00 +0000

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anna, a lovely 25-year-old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anna decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anna prepares herself for bed and shortly after hears the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anna hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Anna consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but -- aha you guessed it -- Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anna and says, "You mean I was here already?"
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THE PLEASE-ALLS

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Tue, 03 Dec 2013 08:21:00 +0000

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying, "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you may as well just kiss your ass goodbye.
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HOME REMEDIES

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sat, 30 Nov 2013 10:09:00 +0000

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with your wife/girlfriend about putting down the toilet seat -- use the sink instead.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives -- then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
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MONKEY BUSINESS

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 28 Nov 2013 07:11:00 +0000

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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STICKUP TRICK

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Tue, 26 Nov 2013 06:26:00 +0000

A man burst into a crowded bank, ordered everyone into a corner, and then got his bag filled with packets of money.

But instead of running out, he approached the crowd of terrified customers. He picked out one and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

"No sir, I sure didn't," the man replied. "But my wife did."
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THE NIGHT SCHOOL

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Fri, 22 Nov 2013 08:34:00 +0000

During work, Albert and Benjamin were chatting. Albert said, 'Benjamin, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Benjamin said,'Oh!'

Albert : For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Benjamin : No.

Albert : He's the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this.'

The next day the same discussion took place:

Albert : Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Benjamin : No.

Albert : He's the author of 'The Three Musketeers'. If you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Albert : And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Benjamin : No.

Albert : He's the author of 'Confessions'. If you take night courses, you would know this.

This time Benjamin got irritated and said, 'And you. Do you know who is E. Jipson Murgatroyd?'

Albert : No.

Benjamin : He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop taking night courses, you would know this.
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DISAPPEARING ACT

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Tue, 19 Nov 2013 05:29:00 +0000

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table until he was completely covered by the tablecloth.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

"Oh, but I'm not his wife," the woman said, still perfectly calm. "His wife just walked in the door."
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A FAIRY TAIL

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sat, 16 Nov 2013 07:08:00 +0000

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each one wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and, in a flash of blinding light, two first class tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a deal is a deal, so the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and, in a flash of blinding light, the husband became 92 years old.

The moral: Men might be ungrateful idiots, but fairies are... female.
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PIC IN DU

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Wed, 13 Nov 2013 09:08:00 +0000

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant to celebrate the man's birthday, and order the house specialty, Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Did you see that!?" she asks her husband. He hadn't noticed anything odd, so she asks him to look in the pot.

Just as he reaches for it, again the lid rises, and now he also sees two little eyes looking around before the lid again slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "What did you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter. "I bring you Peeking Duck."
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THE WINKER'S LEGACY

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sat, 09 Nov 2013 05:21:00 +0000

The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me," he says, as he starts emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multi-colored ones -- every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are!" He brandished two aspirin tablets, swallowed them, and sure enough the 'wink' went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mound of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company to be represented by some wild womanizer."

"No fear, sir," the prospect assured him. "I'm a happily married man!"

So how do you account for the contents of you pockets?"

It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him. "Did you ever go into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a bottle of aspirin?"
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BABY PLANE

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 07 Nov 2013 08:13:00 +0000

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."
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WAY TO HEAVEN

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Tue, 05 Nov 2013 09:12:00 +0000

I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered in unison.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was a unanimous "NO!"

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

This time, there was no shout in unison. Finally, the silence was broken when a little boy shouted out, "You've got to be dead!"
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THE FACELIFT

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 09:50:00 +0000

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies.

"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and, upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old."

"That is amazing!" the stunned the woman says. "How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
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INCOGNITO

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Fri, 01 Nov 2013 08:16:00 +0000

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They could not help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a very revealing string bottom, took her sweet time walking toward them. And again, they couldn't help but stare.

Again she nodded at each of them, saying "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," as she passed by. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and called after her.

"Just a minute young lady!"

"Yes, Father?" she said as she stopped and turned back.

"We are priests and are proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

The woman smiled, bent over a bit, and pulled off her sunglasses. "Father," she said in a purr, "don't you recognize me? It's me -- Sister Katherine!"
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TEA CEREMONY

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Tue, 29 Oct 2013 08:09:00 +0000

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years younger than I am.

He was maybe 3-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident in which his arm had been broken.

Someone had given him a little "tea set" as a get-well gift and it was one of his favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when he brought Daddy a little cup of "tea" (which was just water).

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch my brother bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

Mom waited, and sure enough, here he comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says to him, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that the baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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CRUMPLED CRUCIFIXION

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sun, 27 Oct 2013 08:27:00 +0000

A man is at home alone watching the football game when his wife gets home. She is looking especially nice, and there's a look about her that catches his eye. Besides: half-time had just started, so he muted the TV and gave her his full attention.

"Darling," she says, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

Not sure if there's some sort of joke -- or maybe some seduction -- starting, the man plays along. "Well, no," he says.

She gives him a sexy seductive little smile, unbuttons the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reaches down into the cleavage created by a sexy, lacy, silky push-up bra, and pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar note.

He takes the crumpled bill and looks up to see what's next.

"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asks.

"No, I can't say that I have," he replies, playing along and warming to this little game.

She gives him another sexy, secretive, knowing little smile, slowly pulls up her tight little skirt higher and higher, and seductively reaches into her tight, sheer panties, and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar note.

He takes the crumpled bill and is really looking forward to the next step is this fun little game.

"Now darling," she says, "have you ever seen 50 thousand dollars all crumpled up?"

"I sure haven't!" he says, turning off the TV.

"Well," she says, "have a look in the garage...."
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GROWN-UP LINGO

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 24 Oct 2013 08:34:00 +0000

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. It was the first day of class, and the teacher told them now that they were in grade school, the rule is, "No baby talk!"

You need to use "Big People" words, she told them.

So with that clear, she began by asking John (not Johnny!) what he had done over summer vacation.

"We went to visit my Nana," he said.

"No," the teacher replied, "you went to visit your grandmother. No baby talk! Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Michelle what she had done over vacation.

"We took a ride on a choo-choo!" she replied.

"No," she said. "You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Shit!"
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THE DIMWIT LOCUM

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Tue, 22 Oct 2013 07:28:00 +0000

Old Doc McTavish had a slow schedule, and a hankering to go golfing. But by the time he decided to go, his office assistant, Seamus, had already booked three appointments -- right in the middle of the day. Doc McTavish came up with a plan.

"Seamus," he said, "I can't cancel the appointments, so I want you to see the three patients."

"Yes, sir!" the always obedient Seamus replied.

The doctor has a great round of golf, and then rushes back to the office to see how things went.

"How did things go?" the anxious medic asks his assistant.

"The first patient had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Excellent! You're good at this! And what about the third one?" he asks.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a beautiful young woman burst through. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything, and she lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Fierce, Seamus!" said the astounded doctor. "What did ye do? for that one?"

"I gave her eye drops!"
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FAMININE LINGO

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Fri, 18 Oct 2013 09:22:00 +0000

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house, in which case each minute consists of 30 seconds.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Whatever it is, don't do it!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's OK
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
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ROGUE ROBOT

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Thu, 17 Oct 2013 08:41:00 +0000

A father buys a lie detector robot; it slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper.

"Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

Robot slaps son

"OK, OK," the boy says, rubbing his arm. "I was at Jerry's house."

"Doing what?" asks the mother.

"Watching a movie. Toy Story."

Robot slaps son

"OK, it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells: "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

Robot slaps the father

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

Robot slaps the mother
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WHAT'S IN STORE

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Tue, 15 Oct 2013 06:11:00 +0000

News from a newspaper from the future. A few of the items are already out of date, though....

# Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar Arafat's tomb in Detroit.

# 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

# Texas executes last remaining citizen.

# Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.

# Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.

# In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball players threaten to strike.

# New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

# Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

# White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time. No response.

# Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.

# Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online experience." Congress considering a law to ban it.
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FIDELITY INDEX

noreply@blogger.com (K J SHENOY) — Sat, 12 Oct 2013 08:41:00 +0000

A business man is packing for a trip. He glances in his briefcase, then calls to his wife.

"Honey."

"Yes, darling?" she replies.

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But...."

"Yes, dear?" she says.

"For heaven's sake," he says. "Give me more than one!"
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