Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Drinking Together
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) 50 Bucks

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of
beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each
one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the
bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug
goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought
one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this
way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink
one for each o’ my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,
and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks
them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars
take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar
for the second round, the bartender says,

“I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light
dawns and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains. “It’s just that
my wife had us join that Mormon Church and I had to
quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though!”

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An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a
beautiful young woman walks up to him and
whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want
for 50 bucks.”

He immediately puts his drink down and begins
frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out
a cumbled up ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s
hand and says, “Paint my house…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Crashing Cans
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Priest and the Little Boy

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a
modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement
in peace and contentment. Then a new school
year began…

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his
street, beating merrily on every trash can they
encountered. The crashing percussion continued
day after day, until finally the wise old man decided
it was time to take some action.

The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the
young percussionists as they banged their way
down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids
are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your
exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing
when I was your age. Will you do me a favor?
I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come
around every day and do your thing.”

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up
job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again,
but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

“This recession is really putting a big dent in my income,”
he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay
you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they
did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them
again as they drummed their way down the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security
check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more
than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you
think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans
around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister.
We quit!”

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the
rest of his days.

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A priest is walking down the street one day
when he notices a very small boy trying to
press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the
doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time,
the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up
behind the little fellow and, placing his hand
kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and
gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest
smiles benevolently and asks,

“And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy replies,

“Now we run!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Too Young to Die?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Blonde’s Flight To Chicago

A prominent young lawyer was on his way to court
to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he
suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began
to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort
of mistake.

“I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!”

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young
to be entering the Pearly Gates, and agreed to check
on his case.

When St. Peter returned, he told the lawyer,

“I’m afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son.
We verified your age on the basis of the number of
hours you’ve billed to your clients, and you’re at least 108.”

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A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago,
when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up
and moves to an open seat in the first class section.

A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely
informs the woman that she must return to her seat
in the economy class because that’s the type of
ticket she paid for.

The blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,
I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convicing
the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant
goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and
co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first
class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains
why she needs to move, but once again the woman
replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,
I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that
perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the
police and have the woman arrested when they land.

The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this.
I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He kneels down next to the woman and whispers
quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,”
then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask
him what he said to get her to move back to economy
without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Careful What You Wish For
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) What do you use to feed your pigs?

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A government employee sat in his office, and out of
boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing
cabinet. He poked through the contents and came
across an old brass lamp.

“This will look good on my mantel,” he said, and took
it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and,
as usual, granted him three wishes.

“I would like an ice-cold Coke right now.” He gets
his Coke and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his
second wish. “I wish to be on an island with beautiful
women, who find me irresistible.”

Suddenly, he’s on an island with gorgeous women
eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and
last wish. “I wish I’d never have to work again.”

Instantly, he was back in his government office…

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There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs.

One day someone went to the farm and asked the
farmer: “What do you use to feed your pigs?”

“Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that.
Why?”

“Because I am from the Animals Protection Association
and I think you don’t feed them like you should,
they shouldn’t eat wastes.”

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked
the same question.

The farmer answered: “Well, I feed them very well.
I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak … Why?”

“Because I am from the United Nations Organization
and I think it’s unfair that you feed your pigs like that
when there are people dying with nothing to eat.”

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the
same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:

“Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy
whatever they want…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Brief and to the Point
2) Today’s Opportunities
3) Life’s Tough When You’re Stupid

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief
and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of
brushes, knocked his door and asked to see his wife,
so the guy told her that she wasn’t home.

“Well,” the woman said, “could I please wait for her?”

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her
there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him and
asked, “May I know where your wife is?”

“She went to the cemetery,” he replied.

“And when is she coming?”

“I don’t really know,” he said. “She’s been there 11 years now.”

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A classroom full of first year Veterinary students
were participating in their first day of anatomy class.
For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a
dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating
table.

The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine,
there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor –
the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot,
under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything
involving an animal’s body.

For example, the professor pulls back the sheet and
sticks his finger right up the dead cow’s hindquarters,
pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth.
The students just stand there, paralyzed at what they
see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of
you,” the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but
eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the
anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them.

Once everyone is finished, the professor continues on
with his lesson. “Now, the second important quality
you must possess is a keen observation. You see,
I stuck in my middle finger up the cow’s butt, and
I sucked on my index finger…

Now, learn to pay attention.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.