Welcome to Thursday’s Edition of the Jokes Journal!

In today’s issue:

1) Big Game Hunting
2) Getting to Heaven Concept

Against his better judgment, the big game hunter
is talked into taking both his wife and her mother
along on one of his expeditions.

It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything,
harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in
the city. And to make matters worse, she won’t even
abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep
the safari safe.

One night after dinner, the hunter’s wife realizes
her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her
husband and begs him to institute a search.

He sighs, and together they set out. But before
they’ve gone far, they hear throaty growling.
Soon they come upon a small clearing in which
the mother-in-law stands, backed up against
thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush,
and facing a huge male lion.

The wife whispers urgently, “What are we
going to do?”

“Nothing whatever,” responds her husband.
“The lion got himself into this mess, now let him
get himself out of it.”

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I was testing the children in my Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept of getting to
Heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my
car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money
to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me
into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy
to all the children, and loved my husband, would that
get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,”
I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition of the Jokes Journal!

In today’s issue:

1) It’s All Your Fault!
2) Politics Quotes

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost
60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten years mainly due to her
interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took
them to their mansion which was decked out with a
beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed”, the old man asked
St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship
golf course that the home backed up to. They would
have golfing privileges everyday and each week the
course changed to a new one representing the greatest
golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

St. Peter’s reply, “This is Heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish
buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much does it cost to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it’s free!”
St. Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol
tables?” the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part. You can eat
as much as you like of whatever you like and you
never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger,
throwing down his hat and stomping on it,
shrieking wildly.

St. Peter and the old man’s wife both tried to calm
him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man
looked at his wife and said, “It’s all your fault! It’s all
your fault!”

His wife said, “My fault? What are you talking about?”

He yelled, “If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins,
I could have been here ten years ago!”

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“A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an
honest burglar.” H. L. Mencken

“Run for office? No. I’ve slept with too many
women, I’ve done too many drugs, and I’ve been
to too many parties.” George Clooney

“Politicians are wonderful people as long as they
stay away from things they don’t understand.
Such as working for a living.” P. J. O’Rourke

“Politics is perhaps the only profession for which
no preparation is thought necessary.”
Robert Louis Stevenson

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed
there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself
you can always write a book.” Ronald Reagan

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition of the Jokes Journal!

In today’s issue:

1) Siblings
2) What Do You Like for Your Birthday?

“Mom, my teacher asked me today if I had any brothers
or sisters who will be coming to school.”

“That’s nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What
did she say when you told her you are the only child?”

“She just said, ‘Thank goodness!’”

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A man asked his wife what she’d like for her
birthday. “I’d really love to be ten again”
she replied wistfully.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early,
got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties
and then took her off to their local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s
where her loving husband ordered her a Happy
Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate
shake.

Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest
blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn,
a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M’s,
her favourite sweets.

What a time she had!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his
precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
“Well, darling, what was it like being ten again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
suddenly changed…

“You, idiot”, she replied. “I meant my dress size…”

And the moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he’s still going to
get it wrong.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition of the Jokes Journal!

In today’s issue:

1) A Prominent Young Lawyer
2) Weight & Fortune

A prominent young lawyer was on his way to court
to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he
suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began
to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort
of mistake.

“I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!”

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young
to be entering the Pearly Gates, and agreed to check
on his case.

When St. Peter returned, he told the lawyer,

“I’m afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son.
We verified your age on the basis of the number of
hours you’ve billed to your clients, and you’re at least 108.”

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A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that
tell your weight and fortune and dropped in a coin.

“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small,
white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful
and a great lover.”

“Uh huh,” his wife nodded. She then pointed at the
card, “Look, it has your weight wrong, too.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition of the Jokes Journal!

In today’s issue:

1) Early in the Morning
2) Poor Parrot

The big boss came early in the morning one day and
found one of his managers kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, “Is this what I pay you for?”

The manager replied: “No, sir, this I do free of charge.”

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A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot
from a pet store, complete with cage.

Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the
parrot would talk. She took the parrot home.

In a week and a half she returned to the store
very disappointed. “The parrot doesn’t talk.”

“Did you buy a mirror?”

“No.”

“Every parrot needs a mirror.”

So she bought a mirror and installed it in the
parrot’s cage. Another week and a half went by
and she returned. “The parrot still doesn’t talk.”

“Did you buy a ladder?”

“No.”

“Every parrot needs a ladder.”

So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage.
Another week and a half passed and she returned.
“The parrot still doesn’t talk.”

“Did you buy a swing?”

“No.”

“Every parrot needs a swing.”

So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage.
A week and a half later she returned. She was furious!

The store owner asked, “Did the parrot talk?”

“No, he DIED.”

“Oh, that’s terrible. Did he say anything before he died?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“He gasped ‘Don’t they have any food down at that store?’”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.