Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) The Sentence
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Chemistry Lesson

A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked

“How many times have you been imprisoned?”

“Nine, your Honour.”

“Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.”

“Maximum sentence?” said the defendant. “Don’t you give
your regular clients a discount?”

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A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his fifth-grade class
a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an
experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of
whiskey and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher,
putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water
writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed
painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a
doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?”
the teacher asked.

Johnny, who sits in the back, raised his hand and
responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) No Tapping
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Ten Commandments

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask
him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the
car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped
centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the
driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that
a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Its okay, that’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving
a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

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My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat.
Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday
and sit in the back. During the service he would
sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the
front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat on the back pew.
The sermon was about the Ten Commandments. He sat
through the whole sermon, and instead of sneaking out
he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk
to the minister.

“Preacher, I came here today to steal a hat to replace
the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the
Ten Commandments, I changed my mind.”

The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when
I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed
your heart?”

My uncle responded, “No, it was the one on adultery.
When you started to preach on that, I remembered
where I left my hat.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Training for Ministers
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Looking for Solutions

Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the guests were many well-known motivational
speakers.

One trainee boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering
the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my
life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my
wife!”

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
“And that woman was my mother!”

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech,
which went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had
attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his
sermon.

As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday,
he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a
bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest
years of my life were spent in the arms of another
woman that was not my wife!”

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for
almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of
the joke, the pastor finally blurted out,

“…and I can’t remember who she was!”

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Moses and his flock arrive at the sea,
with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses said, “Well, how are we going to get
across the sea? We need a fast solution.
The Egyptians are close behind us.”

The General of the Armies responded, “Normally,
I’d recommend that we build a pontoon bridge
to carry us across. But there’s not enough time,
the Egyptians are too close.”

The Admiral of the Navy said, “Normally, I’d
recommend that we build barges to carry us across.
But time is too short.”

“Does anyone have a solution?” Moses asked.

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses called on him. “You! You have a solution?”

The PR man said, “No, but I can promise you this:
If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you
a lot of coverage in the Old Testament.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Elephants
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Trainee

A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a
newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.

“Excuse me,” said the woman sitting next to him.
“But, would you mind explaining why you’re doing this?”

“It scares away the elephants,” replied the drunk.

“But I don’ t see any elephants around here,” said the woman.

“Effective method, isn’t it?” crowed the drunk.

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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials an extension and
shouts into the phone - “Get me a coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded, “You fool!
You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who
you’re talking to?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“I’m the CEO of the company!”

The trainee shouts back, “And do YOU know who
YOU are talking to?”

“No,” replied the CEO indignantly.

“Good!” replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Cops in Heaven
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) God’s Miracle

St Peter is standing at Heaven’s gate when a man
walks up.

“Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do
with your life?”

“I was a policeman,” he responded.

“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.

“I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics
out of the hands of kids.”

“Wonderful my son, welcome to Heaven.
Pass through the gates.”

A few moments later a second man walks up.

“Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do
with your life?”

“I was a policeman,” he responded.

“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.

“I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways
safe for travelers.”

“Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.”

A few moments later a third man walks up.

“Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do
with your life?”

“I was a policeman,” he responded.

“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.

“I was a MP in the Army, sir.”

“Excellent, my son … I’ve gotta take a break.
Watch the gate, will ya?”

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“Wow, man,” Timmy said. “God parted the Red Sea and
let all His people through on dry ground!”

“Sorry,” said the ‘biblical scholar’. “But that wasn’t the Red
Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot
deep. No miracle was involved.”

“Oh,” said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said,

“Wow, man! What a miracle! God drowned all those
Egyptians in 1 foot of water!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.