JOKES AND FUNNY STORIES

WOMEN ARE CLEVER

2010-08-08T23:59:00.001-07:00

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied,

"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

BEST EMAIL AUTO REPLIES

2010-08-08T23:55:00.000-07:00

Some fantastic auto-reply messages for your mailbox.
Use anyone of this and enjoy the responses...

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

11: I’ve run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.

When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’

FUTURE SON IN LAW

2010-08-06T01:36:00.000-07:00

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.

He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

Share This Article
|

BROTHERLY LOVE

2010-08-05T23:54:00.001-07:00

Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.

God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, "I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes."

Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe's mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.

Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.

Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe's mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob's mansion appeared 20 different cars.

Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, "Women... we need women!"

Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world's sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe's mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob's mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.

Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, "Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy...this is our lucky day!...Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much...Wish, Man, Wish!"

Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, "Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!"

Share This Article
|

UNNATURAL DEMANDS

2010-08-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

A farmer buys several sheeps, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheeps are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn`t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the sheeps are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheeps.
So he loads the sheeps into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all. Then he brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheeps. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn`t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, does each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheeps still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself,and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day with the sheeps and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheeps. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheeps are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they`re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Share This Article
|

OVERCONFIDENCE

2010-05-17T09:44:00.001-07:00

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,

"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

SPITTING IN SHOES AND PISSING IN COKE

2010-05-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

Two Radical Pakistani boarded a flight out of London .

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a Sardarji sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, Sardarji kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Paki in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' '

Don't get up,' said the Sardarji , 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Paki picked up the Sardarji ‘s shoe and spat in it.

When the Sardarji returned with the coke, the other Paki said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Sardarji obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Paki picked up the Sardarji ‘s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Sardarji returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Sardarji slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Paki
neighbors . . .

'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on ?

This fighting between our nations ?

This hatred ?

This animosity ?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes . . . ?'

POWER FAILURES IN DELHI. FUNNY

2010-04-10T06:47:00.000-07:00

POWER FAILURES IN DELHI. FUNNY

INTERESTING CLASSIFIEDS IN NEWSPAPER

2010-04-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

Top 9 Funniest News p aper Classifieds

*************

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)

*************

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)

*************

3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)

*************

4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)

*************

5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)

*************

6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)

*************

7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)

*************

8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)

*************

9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work)

*************

JOKES AND FUNNY STORIES

WOMEN ARE CLEVER

BEST EMAIL AUTO REPLIES

FUTURE SON IN LAW

BROTHERLY LOVE

UNNATURAL DEMANDS

OVERCONFIDENCE

SPITTING IN SHOES AND PISSING IN COKE

POWER FAILURES IN DELHI. FUNNY

INTERESTING CLASSIFIEDS IN NEWSPAPER

DEFENDING A CASE OF PROSTITUTION

STUPID AGES OF LIFE

CLASSIFIEDS: WANTED WIFE

BELIEVING IN PRAYERS

GUARDIAN ANGEL

CREDIT CARD OF FATHER

PLEASE SUGGEST TITLE FOR THIS PICTURE

EQUATION OF MAN & WOMAN

INDIANS ARE INDIANS

WHY THEY DONT LIKE INDIANS. VERY FUNNY

PARTICIPANTS FOR KISSING COMPETITION

ALPHABET SENIOR VERSION

ANSWER THIS PUZZLE

I AM IN PHOENIX

SHE IS NOT MY WIFE

SMALL ONE LINER JOKES