JOKES VOGUE

Funny Dirty Joke

2016-02-12T21:40:00.001+08:00

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Dharr reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Behold! Verily, there is no good in red skin or black skin, but rather only by virtue of righteousness.” Source: Musnad Ahmad 20885 Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Al-Albani

Three Dogs

2015-01-03T12:59:00.000+08:00

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian’s. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, “What are you in here for, buddy?”

The dog looked depressed.

“I’m in big trouble,” he said. “My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he’s having me put to sleep.”

“I know how you feel,” said the second dog. “My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn’t help myself. I fucked all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They’re having me put to sleep too.”

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. “So what are you here for?” they asked.

“Well,” said the third dog, “my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.”

The other dogs nodded in sympathy. “So she’s having you put to sleep too, huh?”

“No,” said the dog, “I’m having my nails clipped.”

Quote Of The Day: Hudhaifa ibn Al-Yaman reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, when the believer meets another believer and greets him with peace and shakes his hand, the sins of them both will shed like the shedding of the leaves of a tree.” Source: Mu’jam Al-Awsat 253 Grade: Sahih li ghayri (authentic due to external evidence) according to Al-Albani

Perplexing Riddle

2015-01-02T13:42:00.000+08:00

“It's time to see how clearly you can think,” the teacher said to his class. “Now, listen carefully, and think about what I'm saying. I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?”

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, “The person is me.”

Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. “That's a good one,” he said to himself. “I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad.”

At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. “I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have,” he said. “But this person isn't my brother and isn't my sister. Who is it?”

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, “I give up. Who is it?”

“It's my teacher!” Jeffrey said.

Quote Of The Day: Al-Qurtubi reported: It was said to Ibrahim ibn Adham, “What is wrong with us that we supplicate and we receive no answer?” Ibrahim said, “It is because you know Allah and you do not obey him, and you know the Messenger and you do not follow him or his tradition (sunnah), and you know the Quran and you do not act according to it, and you eat from the blessings of Allah and you are not thankful for it, and you know Paradise and you do not seek it, and you know Hellfire and you do not flee from it, and you know Satan and you do not fight him but rather you agree with him, and you know death and you do not prepare for it, and you bury the dead and you do not learn from it, and you ignore your own faults and you are concerned with the faults of others.” Source: Tafseer Al-Qurtubi 2:186

Breast-Fed

2015-01-02T13:03:00.002+08:00

A woman and a baby waited in the doctor's examining room, waiting for him to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and commented the baby wasn't gaining enough weight. He then asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.”

“I know,” she said with a smile, “I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came now.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: A man reviled Abu Bakr and the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, was sitting down and he was impressed by Abu Bakr and he smiled. Then, Abu Bakr reviled the man with the same words as him and the Prophet became angry and he stood to leave. Abu Bakr went to the Prophet and he said, “O Messenger of Allah, the man reviled me and you were sitting, but when I responded you became angry and stood up.” The Prophet said, “Verily, there was an angel with you responding on your behalf, but Satan appeared when you responded with the same words as him and I will not sit in the presence of Satan.” Then the Prophet said, “O Abu Bakr, there are three persons who are given a right. No servant is wronged by an oppressor and he overlooks it except that Allah the Exalted will support him. A man does not open the door of charity to strengthen family ties except that Allah will increase his wealth. A man does not open the door to begging to usurp wealth except that Allah will increase his poverty.” Source: Musnad Ahmad 9411 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Mundhiri

It's Dark In Here

2014-06-11T00:32:00.002+08:00

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It's dark in here, isn't it?”

“Yes it is,” the man replies.

“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.

“No thanks,” the man replies.

“I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.

“OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he was in.

“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.

“TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats. “That's awful expensive,” but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

“It's dark in here, isn't it?” the boy starts off.

“Yes it is,” replies the man.

“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.

“OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.

“Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.”

“I can't. I sold them,” replies the little boy.

“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.

“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, “It's dark in here, isn't it?”

“Don't you start that crap in here,” the priest says.

Quote Of The Day: Abu Umamah reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The scribe on the right is trustworthy over the scribe on the left. When a person does a good deed, he records it immediately. When a person does a bad deed, he says to the scribe on the left: Stay your hand for six hours. If the person seeks forgiveness from Allah, then he will not write it. Otherwise, it will be recorded as a single bad deed.” Source: Mu’jam Al-Kabeer 7685 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to As-Suyuti

Follow The Boss

2014-04-06T19:55:00.002+08:00

There are three ladies working in the same office. They begin to notice that each day the boss, who is also a female, leaves work early.

One day they decide that once the boss takes off they are gonna be right behind her, after all she never comes back or calls so how would she know. So, they all three leave and the brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date.

The redhead was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy, to be home. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracks open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.

Ever so gently she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed, “I bloody nearly got caught yesterday!”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: A bedouin came to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he said, “Indeed, my wife has given birth to a black boy and I have disowned him.” The Prophet said, “Do you have camels?” He said yes. The Prophet said, “What color are they?” He said, “They are red.” The Prophet said, “Are any of them gray?” He said, “There are gray camels among them.” The Prophet said, “Where do you think this color came from?” He said, “O Messenger of Allah, it is hereditary.” The Prophet said, “Perhaps this boy’s color is hereditary.” The Prophet did not allow him to disown his child. Source: Sahih Bukhari 6884, Sahih Muslim 1500 Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi (authenticity agreed upon) according to Al-Bukhari and Muslim

Suprise

2014-03-05T21:47:00.002+08:00

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”

The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young man leaves. He soon returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.”

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think she is expecting me to make a move!”

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us.”

A minute later the boy is still praying, “Thank you Lord for your kindness.”

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.

She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn't know you were so religious.”

The boy replies, “I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!”

Quote Of The Day: Ibn Al-Qayyim said, “Forgiveness is more beloved to Allah than vengeance, mercy is more beloved to Him than punishment, grace is more beloved to Him than justice, and giving is more beloved to Him than withholding.” Source: Madarij As-Salikeen 1/228

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The Haircut

2014-02-13T12:06:00.001+08:00

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

The father replies, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

Quote Of The Day: Sabra ibn Abu Fakih reported: I heard the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, say, “Verily, Satan lies in wait for the son of Adam in his paths and he lies in wait before the path of Islam. Satan says: Will you embrace Islam and abandon your religion and the religion of your ancestors? Then he disobeys him and embraces Islam. Satan lies in wait for him on the path to emigration and he says: Will you emigrate and abandon your land and sky, knowing the one who emigrates is only like a horse bound to a peg? Then he disobeys him and he emigrates. Satan lies in wait for him on the path of jihad and he says: Will you go forth in jihad when it will cost your life and wealth, knowing you will fight and be killed, your wife will remarry, and your property will be inherited? Then he disobeys him and he goes forth in jihad.” Then the Prophet said, “Whoever does that will have a right from Allah the Exalted that he will enter Paradise. Whoever is killed will have a right from Allah that he will enter Paradise. If he is drowned, he will have a right from Allah that he will enter Paradise. Whoever is thrown from his mount and breaks his neck will have a right from Allah that he will enter Paradise.” Source: Sunan An-Nasa’i 3134 Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Al-Mundhiri

Nuclear Power

2014-02-03T20:38:00.001+08:00

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger's.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don't know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?”

Quote Of The Day: Imran ibn Hussein reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever supports his brother in private, then Allah will support him in this life and in the Hereafter.” Source: Mu’jam Al-Kabeer 14771 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Haythami.

Unfaithful

2014-01-14T17:26:00.002+08:00

A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, “Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.”

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, “Beth, I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Beth asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I do recall that,” says Chuck, “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Beth said, “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 43 more votes.”

Quote Of The Day: Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, in Paradise there is a market the people will come to every Friday. The north wind will blow and scatter fragrance on their faces and clothes and will add to their beauty and loveliness. They will return to their families having been increased in beauty and loveliness. Their families will say: By Allah, you have increased in beauty and loveliness after leaving us. They will say: By Allah, you have increased in beauty and loveliness after we have returned.” Source: Sahih Muslim 2833 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

The Snoring Stopper

2013-12-29T22:01:00.000+08:00

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.

So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says: “Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Sa’eed Al-Khudri reported: Some people from the Ansar asked the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he gave them. Then they asked for charity again and he gave them. Then they asked again and he gave them until all he had was gone. The Prophet said, “If I had anything, I would not withhold it. Whoever refrains from asking others, then Allah will make him content. Whoever would be self-sufficient, then Allah will make him self-sufficient. Whoever would be patient, then Allah will make him patient. There is no gift that is better and more comprehensive than patience.” Source: Sahih Bukhari 1400 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Bukhari.

A Drunk

2013-12-11T07:11:00.001+08:00

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well, I'll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.

“I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The Quran will be brought on the Day of resurrection and it will say for its reciter: O Lord, decorate him. So he will be clothed with a crown of nobility. Then it will say: O Lord, give him more. So he will be clothed with a suit of nobility. Then it will say: O Lord, be pleased with him. So Allah will be pleased with him and He will say: Recite and rise up, be increased for every good verse.” Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2915 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to At-Tirmidhi

Cheating

2013-11-30T21:53:00.005+08:00

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives.

Henry started by saying, “I think my wife's fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she's cheatin' on me with a carpenter.”

Tom answered, “Yeah, I think my wife isn't faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she's cheatin' on me with a plumber.”

Otis then joins in and says, “Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Leena is cheatin' on me with a horse.”

Quote Of The Day: Hakeem ibn Hizam reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Both parties in a business transaction have the right to annul it as long as they have not separated. If they are truthful and clear with each other they will be blessed, but if they lie and conceal something the blessing will be eliminated.” Source: Sahih Bukhari 1973, Sahih Muslim 1532 Grade: Mutaffaqun Alayhi (authenticity agreed upon) according to Al-Bukhari and Imam Muslim

Reason For Divorce

2013-11-28T12:55:00.002+08:00

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is ‘yes’.”

“Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don't want a divorce,” she replied. “I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Ad-Darda reported: I heard the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, say, “If three people in a town or in the desert do not establish the congregational prayer, then Satan has overcome them. You must establish the congregation, for verily, the wolf eats the solitary sheep.” Source: Sunan Abu Dawud 547 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to An-Nawawi

A Guy And Girl In A library

2013-11-08T09:23:00.002+08:00

A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice, “I dont’t want to spend the night with youuu!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice, “$200 just for one night!? That’s too much!”

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Ibn 'Umar (Radi-Allahu 'anhu): That he found 'Umar bin Al-Khattab in a group of people and he was swearing by his father. So Allah's Apostle (Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wa Sallam) called them, saying, “Verily! Allah forbids you to swear by your fathers. If one has to take an oath, he should swear by Allah S.W.T or otherwise keep quiet.” Bukhari Vol. 8 : No. 129

Blonde Jokes

2013-11-06T15:12:00.001+08:00

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, “Look at that dog with one eye!”

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, “Where?”

*******

One day a guy is driving down the road and accidentlly hit's a chicken. Knowing that the chicken belonged to the blonde farmer down the road he thought he would go over and tell the blonde what had happened as he was an honest guy.

When he gets there he apologized for running over what he thought was the blonde farmer's chicken.

“What make's you think it's mine?” asked the blonde farmer.

“Well you raise this type of chicken around here don't you?” said the guy.

“Yes, but not flat one's like that.” answered the blonde.

*******

One day two blondes are hunting when the one shout's to the other, “Come look at these deer track's I've found!”

So the other one comes over to take a look. “Those aren't deer track's, those are wolf track's!”

“No they're deer track's,” said the other.

“No they're wolf track's,” insisted the other. So the two stand there and start arguing. Half an hour later they were both killed by a train.

*******

Two blondes decide to go to the dog pound and each get a puppy. After arriving home, one blonde says to the other, “How are we going to tell them apart?”

The other blonde replied, “I know, I'll give my puppy a red bow, and you can give your puppy a blue one.”

The next day the first blonde comes back and says, “Oh no, I can't tell them apart. They ripped the bows off when they were playing.”

The second blonde says, “I know, I'll give my puppy a red collar, and you give yours a blue one.”

The next day, the blonde returns. “Oh no, they've taken they're collars off while playing, I can't tell them apart.”

The other blonde says, “I know, why don't I take the black puppy, and you take the white one?”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated Abu Huraira (Radi-Allahu 'anhu), The Prophet (Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wa Sallam) said, “If anyone of you rouses from sleep and performs the ablution, he should wash his nose by putting water in it and then blowing it out thrice, because Satan has stayed in the upper part of his nose all the night.” Bukhari Vol. 4 : No. 516

Poor Guy

2013-10-30T11:34:00.002+08:00

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds, “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “None gives charity from what is good, for Allah only accepts what is good, but that the Merciful takes it with His right hand. Even if it is a date, it is nurtured in the hand of the Merciful until it becomes greater than a mountain, just as one of you nurtures his young horse or camel.” Source: Sahih Muslim 1014 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

Not So Dumb

2013-10-08T11:17:00.004+08:00

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.”

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!”

Then she hollered, “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I thought you were watching!”

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

Quote Of The Day: Anas Radi-Allahu 'anhu reported that Allah's Apostle (May Peace Be Upon Him) forbade that a person should drink while standing. Qatada reported: We said to him: “What about eating?” Thereupon he (Anas Radi-Allahu 'anhu) said: “That is even worse and more detestable (abominable).” Source: Sahih Muslim

The Bride Tells Her Husband

2013-09-28T13:33:00.001+08:00

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is, put the prisoner in the prison.”

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, he YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!”

Quote Of The Day: Narated by 'Abdullah bin 'Umar Razi Allah Anhu: Allah's Apostle Peace Be Upon Him said, “If anyone of you is invited to a wedding banquet, he must go for it (accept the invitation).”
Sahih Al Bukhari - Book of Wedlock, Marriage (Nikaah) Volumn 007, Book 062, Hadith Number 102.

Billy

2013-09-20T21:18:00.003+08:00

Billy was excited about his first day at school.

So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said ‘yes’, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.

“I can't find it,” he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said ‘yes’ and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, “I can't find it.”

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Tommy, “Well, did you find it?”

Tommy is quick with his reply, “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”

Quote Of The Day: Burdah Al-Aslami reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Give glad tidings to those who walk to the mosque in darkness, for it will become fully light on the Day of Resurrection.” Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 223 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to As-Suyuti

Men

2013-09-17T02:24:00.001+08:00

A man was granted two wishes by God,

He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever.

Next moment he got mineral water and Mother Teresa.

*******

There are three kinds of men in this world.

Some remain single and make wonders happen.

Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

Rest get married and wonder what happened!

*******

Wives are magicians.

They can change anything into an argument.

*******

Why do women live a Better, Longer and Peaceful Life, as compared to men?

A very INTELLIGENT student replied, “Because Women don't have a wife!”

*******

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that,” he said.

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married”

*******

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE

Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children.

I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!

*******

I WILL THINK ABOUT IT:

When a married man says, I'll think about it - what he really means is that

he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

*******

TALKING IN SLEEP:

A lady says to her doctor, “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”

The doctor replies, “Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated by Abu Huraira Razi Allah Anhu: I heard Allah's Apostle Peace Be Upon Him saying, “By Allah! I ask for forgiveness from Allah and turn to Him in repentance more than seventy times a day.”
Sahih Al Bukhari

Only Three Doors

2013-09-01T15:53:00.004+08:00

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

“You can't get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Quote Of The Day: Narrated 'Aisha (Radi-Allahu 'anha): The Prophet (Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wa Sallam) was asked, “What deeds are loved most by Allah?" He said, “The most regular constant deeds even though they may be few.” He added, “Don't take upon yourselves, except the deeds which are within your ability.” Bukhari Vol. 8 : No. 472.

Social Security

2013-08-27T20:57:00.001+08:00

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

“I will have to go home and come back later.”

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, Allah does not look at your appearance or wealth, but rather He looks at your hearts and actions.” Source: Sahih Muslim 2564 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

Dancing Duck

2013-08-26T05:14:00.002+08:00

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the duck on top of the biscuit tin on the bar and the duck begins dancing.

The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again.

The barman realizes that he hasn't had business this good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for $500. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck.

Later that night, the man gets a telephone call. It is the barman and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has his money back in the amount of drink he has sold, but he says, “There is one thing. How do you get the duck to stop dancing?”

The man replies, “Oooh simple! Just take the lid off the biscuit box and blow out the candle.”

Quote Of The Day: Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “When the day of Friday arrives there are angels upon the door of every mosque to record those who arrive in order and when the Imam sits to deliver the sermon they close their scrolls and come to listen to the remembrance. The example of one who arrives earliest is like one who offers a fine camel, then the next is like one who offers a cow, then the next is like one who offers a ram, then the next is like one who offers a chicken, then the next is like one who offers an egg.” Source: Sahih Bukhari 887/3039, Sahih Muslim 850 Grade: Mutaffaqun Alayhi (authenticity agreed upon) according to Al-Bukhari and Imam Muslim

Deaf Wife

2013-08-11T15:27:00.000+08:00

Jim feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here's what you do,” said the Doctor, “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks,   “Honey, what's for dinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what's for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what's for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what's for dinner?”

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what's for dinner?”

(I just love this)

“JIM, for the FIFTH fuckin' time, ‘CHICKEN’!”

Quote Of The Day: Narated by Abu Qatada Radi-Allahu 'anhu: I heard the Prophet Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wa 'Aalehi Wa Sallam saying, “A good dream is from Allah, and a bad dream is from Satan. So if anyone of you sees (in a dream) something he dislikes, when he gets up he should blow thrice (on his left side) and seek refuge with Allah from its evil for then it will not harm him.”