JokesX

Funny Insurance Claims Of The Motor Industry

2016-10-01T00:18:00.002-07:00

Extract from office worker's compensation claim form:

Agent of the injury: Drawer

How did accident occur: Drawer fell out and landed on my foot

Where was claimant injured: Foot
--------------------------------------------------

Insurance Jokes
Life Insurance
Motor Insurance

(Years ago, my husband was driving the kids to preschool in our rural neighborhood. Out of nowhere a ten point buck [a very big deer] leap out of the side bushes and smashed into the car. Luckily the only injuries were to the car. When the insurance company was called to file the claim, they wanted to know if the buck's feet were ON the ground or OFF the ground when it hit the car.

"Why?" I asked. They said this would determine whether the claim was covered or not. I asked which one was covered. You can guess the rest, but I still wonder who is looking at feet when you are being charged by a huge animal! ( Incidentally , feet ON the ground was covered. Their logic was seemingly that the car was hit by something, rather than vice-versa, if that makes sense. And for those who don't know, a 'ten point buck' refers to a big male deer with ten points, or tines, on its antlers.)
--------------------------------------------------

I was reminded of one I read when working for a plumbing firm many years ago. A lady had claimed for a leaking toilet and had sent in the form like this: "The leaking toilet is reached through my back passage, but please tell the plumbers when they arrive that they must knock on the front door as my back passage is blocked with the things out of the toilet.."
--------------------------------------------------

I once made a claim due to a broken washing machine. I put a load of washing on before going away for the weekend. On my return I found it to be stuck in a boiling cycle and my whole kitchen was nigh on destroyed by the steam.

When I made a claim through my broker to the insurance company it was denied as I was not insured for steam damage! My broker quickly pointed out that water is H2O and the same chemical compound at steam! They were not having it. The judge, in the small claims court, did not even allow the insurance company's counsel to speak.

Insurance Jokes

2016-08-26T03:09:00.000-07:00

I’m Sorry but that’s not Covered

A client calls up his insurance agent and tells him he needs to file a claim.

The agent says “Tell me what happened?”

The client tells him and the agent says “I’m sorry but that’s not covered.”

The client says “well, let me explain better what happened.”

The agent says “I´m sorry but that´s not covered either.”

The client says ” I´ll tell you what, you tell me what´s covered and I´ll tell you how it happened!”

--------------------------------------

A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, “I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live.”

Motor Insurance Agent
Government Benefits
Salesman Boasting About Service

“Oh that’s terrible,” the woman sighs, “what am I going do?”

The doctor replies, “Marry an insurance agent.”

“Will I live longer?” asks the woman. ”

No,” replies the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”
--------------------------------------

A drunk wanders into the lounge of a hotel where an insurance convention is being held, intent on causing trouble. He yells, “I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn’t like it, come up and do something about it.”

Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, “You take that back!”

The drunk snares and replies, “Why, are you an agent?”

“No,” the man replies, “I’m a crook.”
--------------------------------------

Signs Of The Insurance Industry

2016-08-24T10:14:00.001-07:00

Signs of Your Work Indicates that you might be in the insurance industry if…

1. You have sat in the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different companies.

2. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

3. When someone asks what you do for a living, you lie.

4. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

5. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

6. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

7. It’s dark on your drive to and from work.

8. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

Unacceptable Salesman
Insurance Salesman In Heaven
Life Insurance Jokes

9. Communication is something your “group” is having problems with.

10. You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.

11. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

12. Art involves a white board.

13. All real work is done prior to 9:00 AM and after 5:00 PM.

Ages Of Women - Fantasy - Dream Date And Drinks

2016-05-28T11:42:00.002-07:00

Different Classification of female stages of life!
The Ages Of Women
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

Couple Seven Year Life Itch
Insurance Jokes

Favorite drink:
Age 17: Wine Coolers
Age 25: White wine
Age 35: Red wine
Age 48: Dom Perignon
Age 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

Excuses for refusing dates:
17: Need to wash my hair
25: Need to wash and condition my hair
35: Need to colour my hair
48: Need to have Francois color my hair
66: Need to have Francois color my wig

Favorite sport:
17: Shopping
25: Shopping
35: Shopping
48: Shopping
66: Shopping

Definition of successful date:
17: "Burger King"
25: "Free meal"
35: "A diamond"
48: "A bigger diamond"
66: "Home Alone"

Team Spirit - Software Engineer Management Course

2016-05-03T18:18:00.001-07:00

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer.

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Insurance salesman and Risk manager
Professional Courtesy

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on board.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Good And Bad News - Turtle and Nuns

2016-05-03T12:19:00.002-07:00

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

God calls Satan
Insurance Salesman In Heaven
How he managed to sell all those Bibles

Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.

The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

Math Teacher Writes Love Letter -My Dear differential Sweet Heart

2016-03-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

My Dear differential Sweet Heart,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.

There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes,standing in your triangular garden.

What is the past participle of the verb TO RING
Examination Jokes
Student Jokes

Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.

The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.

School - Teacher -What is the past participle of the verb TO RING

2016-03-17T12:24:00.001-07:00

Miss Jones had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets, and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time.

Miss Jones said, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!
---------------------------------

SelfStudy Education Requirements for Policy Agents
Student And Examination Jokes
School And Student Jokes

Teacher: What's the past participle of the verb "to ring?"
Student: What do you think, sir?
Teacher: I don't think. I KNOW.
Student: I don't think I know either, sir.
---------------------------------

The teacher came up with a good problem. 'Suppose,' she asked the second-graders, 'there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?'
'None,' answered little Norman.
'None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic.'
'Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!'
---------------------------------

Santa Rocks EveryOne Shocked - Punjabi Humor Collection

2015-12-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

Santa : When I get mad at you,you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Son : I clean the toilet bowl.

Santa : How does that help?

Son : I use your toothbrush!
-------------------------

Santa : I tried your number so many times, it always said 'Switched Off'!"

Banta : Nahi Pape, it's my HELLO TUNE!
----------------------------

Teacher: Translate - Bazaar mein goliyan chal rahi hain.

Santa: The Tablets are walking in the market.
----------------------------

MP Singh Job Interview

Bihari Jokes

Interviewer: What is skeleton?

Santa: Skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!
----------------------------

Banta : Wo Ladki Deaf Lagti Hai. Main Kuch Kehta Hoon, Woh Kuch Aur Hi Bolti Hai.

Santa : Kaise?

Banta : Maine Kaha I Luv U, To Woh Boli 'Maine Kal Hi Naye Sandal kharide hain'
-------------------------

A crow shits on Banta. Preeto gives tissue paper to him.

Banta: Koi Fhayda Nahin, Kauwa Toh Udd Gaya..!
-------------------------

Daku Mangal Singh Banta Ke Ghar Mein Ghu Ayaa..

Daku : Sona kahan hai, Jaldi Bataao..!

Banta : Pura Ghar Khali Hai Malko, Jithe Marzi So Jao!
----------------------------

Professional Courtesy - Funny Lawyer Humor-Questions One-Liner Answer

2015-12-22T00:09:00.000-08:00

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A. Professional courtesy.

------------------

Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?

A. A mouth with a life support system

------------------

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

A. Other lawyers look interested.

------------------

Software Engineer Management Course
Insurance salesman and Risk manager

Car Jesus And Divorce Lawyer

Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A. Not enough sand.

------------------

Microsoft Support Office Humor - Elementary Concept

2015-12-20T10:30:00.000-08:00

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport.

There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away.Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel.

The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

Anna Nicole Smith - Celebrities Jokes Collection - One-Liner Punchlines

2015-12-19T15:16:00.000-08:00

Question: Why did Anna Nicole Smith marry 80-year old billionaire J. Howard Marshall?
Answer: Because a successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend!

Question: Why should Anna Nicole Smith marry for money?
Answer: Because you can borrow it for cheaper and get bailed out if necessary!

Funny Punchlines - Love is photogenic

Question: What did Anna Nicole Smith do when she heard that 90% of accidents in the US occur around the home?
Answer: She moved to the Bahamas!

Question: Why was Anna Nicole Smith's navel always sore?
Answer: Because Dannielynn's father was also blond!

Question: Why was Anna Nicole Smith afraid of taking a paternity test?
Answer: Anna never scores well on tests!

Question: What's the difference between a Hard Rock Hotel and a Days Inn?
Answer: Anna Nicole Smith wouldn't be seen dead in a Days Inn. (Anna was found dead at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida on February 8th, 2007)

MP Singh Job Interview - Mentally Punctured

2015-11-05T00:45:00.000-08:00

MP Singh Job Interview Question And Answers in a Reputed Multinational Company:

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR

OFFICER : YOUR FATHER’S NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR

OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
CANDIDATE : METRIC PASS

Agent Broker Actuary In Saudi Arabia :Strap the actuary onto my back

2015-11-03T10:28:00.003-08:00

A broker, an actuary and an agent are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offence punishable by death.

However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.

The broker is punished first because he drank the most.

“What is your wish?”, asks the Saudi prince.

“I’d like to have a pillow on my back,” replies the broker.

Pigeon Buster And Insurance Salesman - Getting Rid of Pigeons Of The City

2015-10-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

There is a huge pigeon problem in the city – pigeon droppings are everywhere and it is a real mess. The mayor tells his staffers to find a way to get rid of the pigeons forever. Many things are tried, but nothing seems to be able to get rid of the pigeons.

Finally the staffers find a “pigeon buster” who guarantees to get rid of the pigeons. The pigeon buster tells the mayor that he will get rid of the pigeons immediately, and that he will wait three weeks to get paid. The fee will be five million dollars – plus one million dollars for each question asked.

The mayor agrees. The pigeon buster opens up his briefcase, removes a little pink box, and goes off to rid the city of pigeons. Sure enough, the pigeons disappear immediately, and they don’t come back.

Three weeks later the pigeon buster returns to the mayors office to be paid. The mayor hands him a check for six million dollars.

Laughable Insurance Claims - Unusually Funny Facts

2015-10-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

Mr Fairclough was driving home from Christmas shopping when, on a bend, a car coming the other way had a huge Christmas tree badly tied to the roof. "He was driving too fast and I saw the tree lift off and it flew straight at me.

The trunk created an awesome dent in my bonnet and caused me to run off the road and into a hedge." Mr Fairclough added: "The chap did not stop and he never came back for his tree so the Police said we could also have it.

It wasn't funny at the time, but looking back it was like a comedy sketch!"
--------------------------------------------------

A cat ran across the road and Mrs Carr did an emergency stop. Our claims handler explains: "As she stopped a Transit van hit her from behind and she thought she had run the cat over.

Actuary Underwriter Insurance Agent Competition -Man on a Window Ledge Threatening to Jump

2015-10-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump.

The underwriter says, “I’ll bet you fifty bucks he doesn't jump.”

The actuary says, “I’ll take that bet.” A few minutes later the guy jumps.

As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, “Never mind. It’s not fair. I saw it on the six o'clock news”.

The underwriter responds, “So did I, but I just didn't think it would happen twice.”
----------------------------------------

Several years ago, we had an underwriting trainee who was none too swift. One day, he was doing a certificate of insurance and turned to a co-worker and said, “I’m almost out of paper. What do I do?”

“Just use copier machine paper,” she told him.

Insurance salesmen - Famous Longish Jokes

2015-10-16T19:03:00.004-07:00

Here's 5 longish jokes about Insurance salesmen.

1. Mr. John Mumford III, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:

"I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."
Mr. Mumford died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.
On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed
"I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Mumford, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It's what he would have wanted".
Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Mumford. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it's what Mr. Mumford would've wanted".
The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: "I can't believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Mumford a check for the full $30,000!

2. Mr. James Barricks, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:

"I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."

Student And Examination Jokes - Say NO to EXAMS - Special Offer......

2015-10-07T00:52:00.000-07:00

Special Offer......
1) Special offer..... . Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal's office and enjoy 3 years vacation at home.

Hurry offer valid until exams only....

2) It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write our exam once (excluding supplementary) . Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.

Say NO to EXAMS

Insurance Agent , Doctor , and Preacher -I wrote Mr. Johnson a cheque for the full $30,000

2015-10-05T01:30:00.000-07:00

Mr. John Johnson III, was a rich old man dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, his doctor and his preacher:

“I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me.”

Mr. Johnson died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.

On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed “I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Johnson, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It’s what he would have wanted.”

Insurance salesman and Risk manager -One of You Will Have to Sleep in the Barn

2015-10-04T07:38:00.001-07:00

An insurance salesman, risk manager and a safety director are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. “I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn,” the innkeeper says.

The safety director volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed.

Software Engineer Management Course
Professional Courtesy

In a short time they’re awakened by a knock. It’s the safety director, who says, “There’s a cow in that barn. I’m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal.”

Insurance Agent - SelfStudy Education Requirements for Policy Agents

2015-08-31T00:33:00.000-07:00

A state adopts strict new insurance self study Continuing Education requirements for its agents. The tests they now require are very difficult, can take no more than an hour to complete, and must be taken at a certified testing center.

On the first day of the new requirements, an agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.

“You’ll never finish this test on time,” the test administrator coldly states.

“Just give me the test,” replies the agent, “I’ll finish it.”

Skeptically, the administrator gives the agent the test.

The time limit comes and passes and yet the agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.
“You can’t turn that in,” states the test administrator, “you knew there was a time limit.”

Underwriter And Insurance Agent Fun -The Train Passes Through a Tunnel

2015-08-30T00:09:00.000-07:00

An underwriter , an insurance agent, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and in the darkness a loud slap is heard. When out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five finger mark on his cheek.

The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.

The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.

Employees And Unwanted Insurance Agent-Cannibals were recently hired by a Health Insurance Agency

2015-08-29T00:21:00.000-07:00

Several cannibals were recently hired by a health insurance agency. “You are all part of our team now,” said the HR Representative during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees.”

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our CSR’s (Customer Service Representative) has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

Insurance Jokes- Salesman Boasting About Each Companies Service

2015-08-27T00:40:00.000-07:00

Three Insurance salesman were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies service.The first one said, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

The second one said, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”
The last salesman said, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a tall building. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as passed our floor.”
-----------------------------------------

Motor Insurance Agent
Government Benefits
Insurance Jokes

A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, “I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live.”

“Oh that’s terrible,” the woman sighs, “what am I going do?”

The doctor replies, “Marry an insurance agent.”