Jokes for Laughs!

Socks in Trunks

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 08:41:00 +0000

A young wanna-be stud is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreling. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.

So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, " man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, " I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks."

The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, ofcourse by beautiful women.

That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip. " Next time son, put the socks in the FRONT! of your trunks.

The Big-mouthed Driver's Wife

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 08:38:00 +0000

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Drowning Rats and Congressmen

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 08:36:00 +0000

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."So, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman. "

A Dollar for 20 Million Dollars

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 08:34:00 +0000

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!"

Holy Man in the Airport

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 10:28:00 +0000

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

School Maths Through the Ages

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 10:27:00 +0000

Last week I purchased a drink at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my 2 one dollar bills. I then pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In The 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In The 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In The 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In The 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In The 2000s

Same question as number 5 but if you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.

7. Teaching Math In 2011

Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Inescapable 18th Hole

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Mon, 30 May 2011 10:25:00 +0000

Vic stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the heck is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony', Vic explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

Army Men with Guts

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Thu, 26 May 2011 10:23:00 +0000

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied.

Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"

The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"

Puppy for the Teacher

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sat, 21 May 2011 09:40:00 +0000

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

Unfortunate Cat with a Stutter

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Thu, 19 May 2011 09:37:00 +0000

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

Funny Things about Dallas Cowboys

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Tue, 17 May 2011 08:47:00 +0000

The Texas Department of Safety is cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q.What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A..The Dallas Cowboys

Q.What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A.They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q.How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A.Put up a goal post.

Q.What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A.Old

Q.What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q.How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A.Nobody remembers.

Q.What do the Cowboys and possums have in common?
A.Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

How to Create and Tell a Good Joke

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sun, 15 May 2011 08:38:00 +0000

Creating humor is part art, part science, and part guessing because you will never really know if it is truly funny until the audience responds with laughter or throws rotten fruits at you. This article will try to minimize the guessing part (and hopefully the throwing of objects at you) and increase the chances of forming a fantastic joke by breaking down the mechanics of comedy into simple techniques. These methods are not the only ones nor are they absolute, but they provide a foundation for delivering a well crafted joke.

The basic structure of a joke is the set up and the punch line. You might be asking, "Okay, I've heard this before but what does that mean?" The set up is a simple truth that you and/or your audience accepts to be so. And the punch line is just a twist of that truth. So how do you twist the truth? You can do it several ways. These are just some of the ways you can do it. Once you've gotten the hang of these types of punch lines, you can do it more naturally without consciously thinking about it, kinda like riding a bike. In fact, you can probably come up with other types of punch lines which might actually even be funnier but can't explain why they're funny. You'll just know it. Here they are:

Misdirection

Most jokes are in some form of misdirection. Get your audience into a line of thinking, then you quickly give them a turn that they don't expect. It is this element of surprise that makes them laugh. A good example of this is the popular tool called Rule of 3's. The first two elements form a pattern then you twist the third. For example (taken from one of my old comedy bits):

"I've heard all kinds of excuses from girls who don't want to go out with me - I'm doing my hair tonight, I'm watching my favorite show, I'm your cousin."

Mix and Match

This tool works by putting a character or yourself in an inappropriate situation. It answers the question "What if?" Example would be a doctor who can't stand the sight of blood, a black member of the Klu Klux Klan, or a terrorist who is always late. Some call this fish out of water.

However, you must be careful not to just try and use this right away because it might come off as inauthentic or hack, like if you say "Hey what if Kermit and Miss Piggy were making love?"

There has to be some basis of truth in the setup first. For example, if you have a traditional Filipino mother who wants you to marry Filipino woman and she keeps saying, "The white woman will only divorce you!" Then you put her in a deli and she says, "What kind of bread do you want? The white bread will only divorce you!".

There are many other tools in making punch lines but the key is really in the setup. The more unique or insightful your truth is, the better because most of the time the punch lines will just write themselves, assuming you do have a sense of humor.

Tim Tayag is a pioneer of point of view stand up comedy in the Philippines and Asia. He started his comedy career in San Francisco back in 1997 and has toured and performed all over the world. You can learn more about him by visiting his site http://www.timtayag.com or purchase his comedy cd http://www.timtayag.com/nutritiousstandup/

Billy the Kid the the Piano Player

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Wed, 11 May 2011 09:50:00 +0000

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero. One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting.

After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you. Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt.

Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink. Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?"

Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick."

Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."

Digging Holes for the Boss

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sun, 08 May 2011 09:24:00 +0000

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

Late Loud Husband

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 08:33:00 +0000

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

What is the Best Joke Ever?

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 08:29:00 +0000

Cultures vary greatly in their perception of what's funny -- you'll realize this if you ever travel to a foreign culture and attempt to translate a joke that works well in your native culture. This fact didn't stop Professor Richard Wiseman (of the The British Association for the Advancement of Science) to attempt to determine what is the funniest joke in the world. The joke would have to be ranked highest among many countries of vastly different cultures.

The project set out a request for joke submissions. The result was 40,000 jokes. The researchers had the jokes rated by a large sample population from diverse areas of the globe. The project was formally called LaughLab.

I've often thought that if mankind ever discovered the funniest joke in the world, he may fall into a constant state of laughter and never regain his composure, possibly resulting in cardiac arrest or asphyxiation. In other words, he may laugh himself to death. I wondered if perhaps an ancient people had discovered the funniest joke, and had determined that it's deadly for people to hear. Maybe it's hidden in an ancient realm -- like the ark of the covenant -- possibly guarded by a long line of comedians. Is it like the DaVinci Code: A secret that mankind was never meant to uncover?

We may never know that answer, but at least we'll know what Dr. Wiseman determined to be the funniest joke across all cultures, Fortunately it won't send you into a deadly laughing fit. According to a multi-cultural sample, the funniest joke is the following:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?

Don't die on me -- it's not that funny. If you're looking for the best jokes in the world, visit my site.

Soren Michaels is a humorist living in the Chicago area. Find his collection of Best Jokes in the World at: http://funnyjokesebook.blogspot.com/

Sexy Game of Who Am I?

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 08:38:00 +0000

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

Cowboy Bank Robber

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 08:35:00 +0000

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one "old cowboy " tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’

Sticks, Chavs and Blondes - Cheesy Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 09:33:00 +0000

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick!

Q: What’s the difference between a battery and a chav?

A: A battery has a positive side.

A blonde thought if she died her hair brown she would become smarter. Whilst driving in the country she spotted this farmer herding sheep and asked him "If I guess how many sheep you have will you let me have one?" The man said "Sure." Well she looked over and over and said 73. He said "Wow your good." So the blonde claimed her prize. While walking her back to the car the man said "If I guess your hair color can you give me my dog back?"

Snowmen and French Bathrooms

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 23:11:00 +0000

Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

A: Smells like carrots...

Q: What do you get if you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

A: Linoleum Blownapart!

Dancing on Cars and Silly Airplane Travellers

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 19:01:00 +0000

Q: What do you call someone who dances on cars?

A: A Morris dancer!

NOTICE IN AIRPLANE

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area...

Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children, or other adults behaving like children."

Parking Tickets and King Arthur

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:56:00 +0000

Says the Policeman: How can you say you don't have any outstanding tickets?

Says the Driver: They're all in the glove compartment.

Q: Why did Arthur have a round table?

A: So nobody could corner him!

Kissing Cousins and Injured Weathermen

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:51:00 +0000

Q: What famous Arkansas Supreme Court Decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?

A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident.

They telephoned from the hospital about their four casts!

Coverall Pigs and Walking Beds

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:41:00 +0000

Q: Why did the pig wear yellow coveralls?

A: He split a seam in his blue ones!

How come wrong numbers are never busy??

Q: Why do you go to bed?

A: Because the bed will not come to you!

Bank Robbers and Bagpipers

noreply@blogger.com (Neil Buckley) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:37:00 +0000

Q: Why did the bank robber take a bath?

A: So he could make a clean getaway!

Q: Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?

A: To get away from the noise!