Jonny T and the Subsequent Hogwash

you bitch!

2011-12-11T02:37:00.001-08:00

All right everyone, i think it's high time we stop using David Bowie's "Queen Bitch" to augment film soundtracks and trailers. That song is a rock 'n' roll masterpiece, not an artistic crutch.

Plus we all know full well that it was best utilized at the end of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. You're not going to do any better than that.

If the rock genre is founded upon a sort of rebellion against traditional forms, is it at all acceptable to use grammatical/structural precision to craft the contraction that joins rock and roll...or, rock with roll, if you prefer. Or is the contraction itself a manifestation of its irreverence?

I think there's a lot there, but I don't feel like getting into it right now. The point being, while the nature of the development of the genre into its contemporary form is a completely separate and distinct animal and issue, I feel nerdy typing "rock 'n' roll."

someone bail me out

2011-11-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

When the federal government bailed out the banks of this country, it was taxpayer money they used. Shouldn't that mean that I own a piece of those banks?

http://www.suntimes.com/news/jackson/8389726-452/we-bail-out-banks-but-not-desperate-students.html

And when those banks used those interest-free loans to buy government bonds, purchasing government interest with no-interest money, thereby making a brilliant investment and, in my opinion, undercutting the American government and its constituents, hypothetically doubling money that was mostly already hypothetical - where is my bonus?

Where is my cut of stolen retirement and healthcare funds?
( http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-october-17-2011/ellen-schultzs )

Hello. I'm sorry, I got so heated, I forgot to introduce myself.

I am a graduate of a large public university, and, for that, I am indebted for the next ten years.

Today, I decided to finally nut up and face my colossal bill, which is good because I think my grace period is up. The sum total...

'bout $25,000

And I remember thinking to myself, "huh. not as bad as I thought."

And it really isn't. I was thinking somewhere closer to $32,000. But that's mostly because I always expect the worst.

Hoping for the best, however, seems a bit foolish at this point.

Because I started thinking about my life until now. Especially as it relates to everyone else's life. Or at least the lives of most other people, as I understand them. And the model of humanity becomes one of a child taking everything it can during the process of maturing, and slowly having to give it all back throughout adulthood, until we all eventually die of desperation. Figuratively.

(Well, we all die. Literally. But the causes are varied. That's the figurative. You get my point.)

I still don't know how to feel about this. I don't know whether to weep for inevitability, or try to enact change against these circumstances in which I've always felt so powerless, as such a small part of the construction of the system into which I was spawned.

But maybe there's hope...
http://www.usnews.com/education/blogs/student-loan-ranger/2011/06/22/congress-proposes-relief-for-student-loan-borrowers

In any case, it's probably time for me to drop my dreams and try to pick up some more hours.

but also very suggestive.

2011-09-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

i hope this doesn't go against any privacy policies.

Is there anything else you would like to tell Apple about your recent in-store repair experience at the Apple Retail Store? (NOTE: 2000 character limit)

to be completely honest, i was so happy with the woman that serviced my computer, that i wanted to service her. that's right. so great was my gratitude for the job that she had done with my ever-so-valued computer, that when i left the store, i was dismayed that i could not take her in the back of the store, lift her onto a table or counter, or whatever is available, get down on my knees, and shove my tongue in her vagina. as a measure of gratitude. so as to give her as much pleasure as she had graciously given me. now i realize that this confession is terribly vulgar, which is why i never made an attempt at the gesture, but i still kinda wish it wasn't. i hope this gives you some idea of the quality of my genius bar experience.

The comment above is a

compliment X
complaint
suggestion

my modeling portfolio

2011-07-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

today, i realized that i wanted to be a voyageur.

i decided i'm bringin' it back.

the skin is furry too ^^^

who wants to trade some furs?

all the good ones are taken

2011-06-22T01:15:00.000-07:00

i once saw a bumper sticker that i liked
(which is terribly rare i find)
that said: "jesus loves you...
it's the rest of us that think you're an asshole."

so, as per the above,

given our mutual lack of religion,
given that i have no idea what you believe
given our lack of communication,

the blame for which i have given to you,

that quaint little quip applies far too well
for me to go on any longer trying to be jesus.

but let me know when your sister is getting married.

i actually like her.

and what of it?

2011-05-28T21:17:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that I spend most of my life engorged in what I think of as some sort of cinematic masterpiece that is my life. What a noble quest this protagonist is on. what brilliant wit and humor this man uses as he braves the wild and conquers everything in his path with kindness and reason. Spools of it even. And because it amuses me to do this, I will continue. I grow weary of this reflection!

is was that

2011-05-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

awake in an upright seated position. odd. not exactly sure how i got there. but my life isn't blurry upon waking, and i suppose that's about as much as you can ask for. get up. some mysterious leftover skittles for breakfast. go for a walk.

the bright sunshiny day makes me cringe. without sunglasses, everyone can see the unnecessary scars from the night before, still healing as i saunter down the sidewalk. a very spritely, and dare i say enterprising, young gentleman passes on my left. tall and lean. glasses. kind of a gump from what i can tell of his gait, his striped polo, khakis and new balance running shoes. somehow a stark contrast from my well-worn black dress pants, misfits t-shirt, cardigan, old-ass old navy flip-flops. a certain derelict ostentation. but the most important difference being that it is the third day of donning this particular ensemble, whereas his getup looked crisp and fresh. i wonder if he notices the nuance. i wonder what i am to him. i wonder if he can hear the cyanide capsule rattling around in my pocket.

while i walk, memories pummel my brain into the form of the night before. my phone insists that i recall when my sex went to sleep, and i take a jab in the throat from religious discussions that were never meant to become arguments. and i have to ponder what's been making that shape in my sails of late.

the slumbering public house to my left claims it has been "sharing beers for 25 years." and i think that "sharing" carries implications that cannot be drawn parallel to past processes. but then, many claims are made in inebriation that cannot be satisfied in sobriety. the parking lot attendant at the church seems to suggest that christ has no interest in sharing pavement. i can't tell if the lot is full for the service or for the art festival.

ART FESTIVAL jumps out of the cata bus as it hurtles past the pedestrians. the letters on the destination sign in capitals as if screamed with the terribly familiar excessive exuberance ofderated by their own formulas of gloom and doom and glad and sad, expressly hidden by their desire to survive through tha soccer mom, planning for months this occasion of rare freedom and festivity, the equivalent of shaking out all the value from any artistic notion conceived by the human spirit and seeing how far you can spread it without causing a tear in profit margins. but they do accept AmEx, I will not fault them for that. I see these people, their enthusiasm being a result, the top layer of fat over their desperation to survive the rest of the day without the twinge of despair inherent in the question of the days ahead. They carry the day on their backs in a manner completely dissimilar from my own conveyance. We stare each other down at a crosswalk. And they know. And I know. And they know that I know. And I know that they know that I know. And so on and so forth in that fashion and the reverse. But what exactly we know is unknown, apart from the certainty of the shrieking terror that lies just beyond our periphery, that the knowledge lacks cognizance, and we're building our houses on sand.

eventually i return to my de facto homestead, a place to relax and reflect, and before long, the page is filled, and i can sleep again.

i'm only typing something here because i would feel awkward leaving it blank

2011-04-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

bare stage, apart from microphone, slowly revealed in spotlight. A blind man struggles through the curtains. He crosses the stage with a humorous mixture of hesitance and resolve. He runs into the microphone. The impact upsets him, but the moment he realizes what it is, he is beside himself with joy, followed shortly by anxiety. He slowly conjures the will to speak something that has been bearing on him for a long time.

BLIND MAN. The benefit of true modesty is that the only way to accomplish anything worthwhile long term is to always expect more from yourself. That way everything you do will always be the best it can be. Of course if you want to be happy, you might want to choose another quality quality. Which is why everything I say is brilliant. (he laughs)

Do you follow?

The only way to sustain true modesty meanwhile possessing some level of self-efficacy, therefore mental health, is to be modest at extraverse and proud at introverse. Also, inventing phrases helps. (he laughs)

Polite society becomes inherently dishonest. Honesty being another quality quality, which one is more desired? Modesty or honesty? Would you rather have everyone's head up their asses, or everyone spouting bullshit?

I suppose either way it amounts to a great deal of hot, smelly air. (he laughs)

Life is really full of these little contradictions. It's maddening.

i really don't care how much a cliche, these little town blues are melting away

2011-03-05T09:30:00.000-08:00

I really don't think it's hit me yet.

This city has been built up by the people who share my dreams for as long as I have had the blessing and curse to spend most of my days with them. it's become an emerald city, a diamond as big as the ritz.

and now i'm a block away from central park.

I stroll through the streets looking at all of these places that bear a striking resemblance to all of the places I've seen from so far away for so long now. my favorite films to terrible tv shows. but all of them here. right here before me.

I told myself I wouldn't get attached.

a flight that lasts an hour and change and there you are. this place looks like that place in The Terminal. there is a woman screaming at people to be better at getting in cabs. apparently they should know this by now. reckon i wasn't half bad.

the cab driver is old, hunched over the steering wheel. and my perception is that he is an atrocious driver, creating lanes where there appear to be none and cutting people off. but then that probably qualifies as a quality driver around here.

there are cables running up the apartment buildings to accommodate the miracle of television once upon a time.

meanwhile we head to the eugene o'neill theatre for a preview of the new musical by the south park creators. which is brilliant by the way.

and then a delicious midnight dinner. little pricey, but what are you gonna do. it's new york. it tastes better.

i have to force myself because i'm still too excited to sleep. this city has worn me out but i'm ready for more.

i'm still waiting for it to hit me. maybe it never will. maybe this is where i belong.

welcome to new york city.

I wrote this thing one time

2011-02-13T14:05:00.000-08:00

So...Nanny McPhee is just the ugly, nonmusical Mary Poppins right?

You'd think if she had all that magic she could conjure some music for my entertainment.

Of course, I could be way off-base with this. I've never seen either of the films.

But you know, I've been learning a lot lately.

I've learned that sometimes it's okay to lie. Like when I say things like "The WWE Elimination Chamber was created by the devil himself." Really I'm just using But it's not okay to use that as the opening statement of the eulogy of a dog-sledding champion whose death is in no way related to professional silliness. But then I suppose dog-sledding isn't the most worthwhile of activities. To most. On second thought, it is okay if that particular thesis statement somehow initiates and introduces a long schpiel that gradually unravels the dark and terribly intriguing mystery of how this particular dog-sledding champion did not tragically and stupidly drive his sled off of that cliff to his doom, but rather just tragically, because HE WAS ALREADY SLAIN! By some dastardly villain, who then mounted the old hot-dog-tied-to-a-stick-by-a-string-so-as-to-motivate-forward-motion gag. But in this case, it wasn't so humorous, but more...deadly. Well, for the dogs.

Sure, the old Pavlov's death bit.

But that's besides the point. In the murderer's haste, he left behind the damning evidence of an oversized, shiny belt. IT WAS THE UNDERTAKER!

(the professional wrestler, the Undertaker. does he still wrestle? i'm too lazy to look it up right now. we have to get something more convenient than this whole world at your fingertips, because laziness is the mother of innovation. someone get on that.)

And thus the crime was solved, which gave everyone a lot of mixed feelings, being that they are very sad about the death of this hypothetical dogsledder, but also very happy that the crime was solved.

it's gonna get real awkward when he shows up to bury the body and all. because he's gonna get all defensive and maybe deny it, that sort of thing. very confrontational situation. which i'm not good at. it's also going to be awkward because i slammed a pie into the face of the corpse, in an impulsive attempt to lighten the mood. take it from me, not a good idea.
do you think he does it because he needs the money, or do you think he does it as acting research? Or do you think he just enjoys the work? Given this incident, I would say the latter. Maybe that's the motive. He just wanted the business.

you should have suspected something earlier when he called you to recommend his services, and this is the first you're hearing of the upsetting news. kinda stupid of you.

but not really because this is all an elaborate lie. I don't say that that is what it is because I assume you're aware of that, but then I spit a lot of bullshit and in essence i'm not certain if you know that that's what that smell is and i'm not sure if you know that i know that that is what it is, or what's going on. But that sounds kinda weird so I'm not going to say that.

what about the sled dogs? nobody cares. it's very sad. that's people though, very discriminatory when it comes to species.

I say things that aren't true, not to be dishonest but rather to entertain the both of us.

oh anyway, i'm saying that dogsledding is in many ways a very virtuous sort of activity, whereas pretend fighting? not so much.

and that's why the devil killed Iron Will.

so this is what i'm thinking about when i'm not paying attention to the things going on around me. sorry. i feel bad. i have a condition. it's probably Bieber Fever what were you saying?

But what's that on TV IS THAT 27 DRESSES OH MY GOD I HAVE TO GO

what i did over break...

2011-01-17T16:14:00.000-08:00

...as abstracted and dramatized by my parents' dogs.

starring Charlie and Sonia...

I present to you the breathtaking heartwarming brainsquishing two-part cell phone video series -

"Yogurt Envy"

and now the thrilling conclusion!

TA-DA!

Facial gymnastics

2011-01-08T17:24:00.000-08:00

Cat person or dog person?

2010-12-18T18:50:00.001-08:00

half dog, half cat, half person.

cats are cleaner. dogs are more fun. it all depends on what i'm hungry for.

Ask me anything

Is This Illegal? This Is Probably Illegal. It Probably Should Be Illegal.

2010-12-18T14:31:00.000-08:00

Which is to say the recording myself while driving thing, not the chocolate milk thing. Oh, you'll see.

All's my car stereo's got is a tape deck and a radio, so I'm fairly limited in my entertainment for extensive driving.

So this happens.

Are you Crushin' on any girlies?

2010-12-06T04:57:00.001-08:00

such a saucy question to someone like myself, who just yesterday married a mega rich super sexy corporate executive government dancer yoga librarian and moved to an isolated tropical island with delicious food that is served out of extravagant headwear, which is, of course, insulated so as to prohibit the passage of any extreme temperatures to the noggin. Unless, of course, you desire the effects of the aforementioned extreme temperatures.

but that didn't really happen.

Being that I am a firm believer in many tenets of socialism, I will not argue over such issues as the rightful ownership and possession of beeswax, and which beeswax belongs (or, more precisely, does not belong) to whom. I will suffice to say that, yes - much to my dismay, my often (and otherwise seemingly) unrequited infatuations persist.

Are you happy now?!

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-11-29T08:58:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/JTboom

Now awesome is just ironic.

2010-10-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

I have been accidentally devaluing the word "awesome" through linguistic inflation, in that I have been applying the word to situations wherein the word is not necessarily applicable; when I am not, in actuality, anywhere near struck with anything near awe. The word has consequently lost the splendor of yesteryear (1).

So...sorry. (2)

sometimes when i'm in need of a giggle, i read the example sentences for the word "cunt" in the oxford english dictionary.

because i am an immature person with academic resources in the digital age.

Which is to say I have access to and utilize the OED website.

I pray that you have come to realize that using what is recognized as the most vulgar of curse words by most english-speaking, land-borne mammals along with 4 out of 5 dentists of mixed ethnicity whose sample groups were controlled for age, weight, social acuity, and catholicity, can often incur offense from third parties. Well, all three really. Just don't say it at parties. Or say it only at parties. Loud parties.

In using the aforementioned cuss, I have made it slightly more common, and therefore slightly less profane.

So...you're welcome.

(1) = because no one uses the word "yesteryear," which is why I am really glad I invested in it forty years ago. And yet, it can only become more common, so I'm thinking about selling off and cashing out. But don't tell anyone, I could get in trouble.

(2) = not really.

wear your big boy pants

2010-10-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

and the panda said "i've never been one for catalogs"

by which he means to say that he does not approve of the aggression of the bears, nor the laziness of marsupials. So he just doesn't feel like taking sides.

Honestly, I don't think he knows what a catalog is. I cannot imagine that he would have a mailing address to receive one, nor do I believe that Chinese culture is particularly catalog-heavy.

He also refuses to eat anything apart from the nutrient-deficient bamboo that is actually fairly rare in the areas of China from which he refuses to remove himself.

Furthermore, it seems he is not a big enthusiast of procreation.

Is it black with white spots, or white with black spots? or are you just gonna stick with gray?

a ridiculous creature, to be certain.
put a stop to the feature and lower the curtain.

general surgeon warning - this is gonna hurt

2010-08-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

Depression is about learning lessons, right? Whatever, the point is there's something profound here, like right here, right where these words are, but these words lack significance. So that sucks. But I'll spend the next few years or so reading between the letters anyway.

I'm just thinking a little too far ahead. Living in the moment doesn't pay off, so they say. But taken altogether, I still come out economically disadvantaged, to be euphemetaphorically-correct.

Staring into the sky can hurt the eyes (the fine print indicates that the real danger is directional in nature, but my eyes hurt too bad to squint that hard)

call your doctor if you have any questions. and I mean ANY questions, or just to see what's up, what's new. you never really ask for a status update in response, do you?

i spend some of my time staring at the blemishes on my wall. whistling whilst I salute the ability to be noticed. though i don't know how deserving of salutation is noticeability is not a word according to my dictionary widget. but perception brings response does it not? acknowledgment? salutation? you tell me, eye in the sky; you tell me, feet on the seat.

when you end up awake with your face in a puddle, on a street named after a man you once dreamed you were in a past life, in a city that is trying to convince you is a long-lost friend...think it over? I guess? I don't know, that sounds fucked up good luck with that.

I've kinda got my own real life, literal problems going on over here buddy. So I won't spare no prisoners or no change from or to a life in a boxcar staring out the side and not the front, only aware of where i am without the going.

Do you like to listen to music while making love? If so, what? If not, why?

2010-08-06T13:09:00.001-07:00

eeesh, it's been awhile since i've made love, but during sex i usually like to enjoy the scores from my favorite pornographic films.

The other times i just hum the chorus of "mmmbop"

and then i shout "mmmBOP!" when i climax.

Ask me anything

welcome to the world of yesterday

2010-07-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

welcome to here

i see you've come looking

for a glimmer of hope in the pain

it's a world where we sleep

so the kettles can steep

and the sky doesn't rain much but clocks

if you'll just lift your foot

i'll clean up the soot

so you can lay down and die where you stand

i hope you didn't have intentions otherwise

well we don't like to please

but we can try to appease

if you'll just put some cash on the fire

my sheets were all tidy

but then i took a nap

it's a good thing that i planned ahead

the biscuits went bad

and the milk stings a tad

social security can suck a fat toad

because i planned on plugging my mouth the day i turn 60

if you'll pardon the pun

i just have the one

so you can get up to get one for yourself

it hurt to wake up again

what with the noise

and the dreams of incontinent lands

and i was thinking ahead

but i've nothing to say

so i think i'll just turn in for the day

i never planned on being happy anyway

highlights and besides

2010-07-24T16:13:00.001-07:00

In the past year, I have greatly furthered myself both as a person and...an artist? writer? I don't feel comfortable calling myself those, but it's definitely something in a creative sense, and I think a great deal of it has to do with starting this blog, so I really appreciate everyone who has kept comin' back. And as my personal gift to all of my readers, I have compiled here a collection of pieces that I never published for some reason or other. And then, just to throw you off, I have intermingled several of my favorite blog'cerpts from the past year. But then, if you can make it all the way to the end, as the grand finale, I've uploaded my NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN GLEE AUDITION VIDEO!

But hey, before we begin, we must quote a relevant song, as is tradition here, or so it would seem.

ummmmmm...

"Twenty-one days lost at sea I fought
For twenty-two years non-stop I've talked
Through the desert, pissed drunk, and confused I walked
I spit a tooth in the palm of my hand" (the avett brothers, "go to sleep")

enjoy...

Hear that? It's the gecko echo!

(given the title of this blog, the author would like to communicate that he would find it very ironic if he were to contract swine flu - the hogwash, obviously, not the...gecko echo? Also he would like to apologize for the general confusion in the show and the extensive lapse between episodes, but makes no promises to remedy the situation in the future. Well Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's J- oh wait, I don't do this do I? That's Horace's thing.)

Jonathan: And the Perspective has urged us to steer away from the Jonny Carson intro.

(shit, of course, that's right. Sorry. Okay here's Horace with the introduction. He comes on all blustery and sick and pink-nosed sneezing into his very dainty handkerchief, just generally kind of f. Very unenthused- )

Horace: Oh you didn't know? It's your turn to go toe-to-toe with that bustle of life that's got you feeling so low. stop flying solo and give me the say-so to bring on this mofo OH JUST GET ON WITH IT!

haven't had time to do this lately. but it's easter, so...

(the apostles are gathered at a restaurant on the first Easter Sunday. Jesus barges in exuberantly, completely underdressed, carrying a large, brightly-colored basket with numerous goodies inside.)

JESUS. Happy Easter! I'm back y'all!

1^st APOSTLE. Holy shit!

JESUS. Yes it is the stuff of holiness, this.

2^nd APOSTLE. What’s a Easter?

JESUS. It means I brought chocolate!

1^st APOSTLE. But we've just eaten brunch.

JESUS. Oh la di dah, douchebag. I've been dead three days and already you're inventing meals.

1^st APOSTLE. No we just mixed lunch and breakfast.

JESUS. Oh...Oh! well that's just-!...I just don't understand the plane of the living anymore. And that's the most creative name you could come up with? Something tells me I'm going to need to proofread those gospels. You've started those gospels right?

1^st APOSTLE. Uh, well...

JESUS. Could someone please get me a seat and a menu already? (2^nd apostle does, jesus sits) Thank you. (He glances over the menu) Now. Where I've been - I'm not gonna lie, there isn't much to tell, suffice to say that three days is hardly enough time to spend in Hell if you want to see everything, so I can't really give you a definitive review of the place, but seriously, it wasn't pleasant. Funky smells. It was really loud. But still, don't take my word for it. Ask around. (becoming more involved in the menu) Oh I get it so you get the best of both worlds.

2^nd APOSTLE. Does this chocolate have raspberry filling?

JESUS. Oh, whoops. Sorry, must have gotten some blood on there. Well don’t worry, it’s blessed, it’s good for you.

scatter-brained would be an understatement, understand? but you'll have to say it louder because it is incomprehensible

"This is turning into a wild goose chase. well not a chase so much. a wild goose...search...investigation...case? ‘The case of the missing wild goose, or how i learned to stop worrying and love bureaucracy’" (sometimes I hate the university. all i wanted was my W-2.)

haha scented condoms.

who is smelling them? i mean sure they smell pretty funky sometimes, but it's usually when there's a buncha spunk in 'em. And I'm not sure if a tinge of strawberry fragrance is really gonna do much for that.

But i suppose there very well could be a large demographic of men with naturally smelly dongs.

i really like hanging out in the condom section of the store. Its an important choice damnit. And also, you get to let everyone know...check it out, i'm planning on having sex.

but man, I'm kinda peeved about how much these condom companies are charging for me not to come. bunch of fuckers...but then, i guess that's their business.

so i did a keg-stand for the first time last night. Nineteen seconds. Then apparently I fainted in the middle of the kitchen in the most dramatic fashion. But I don't know, I wasn't there to confirm. When I was there, someone told me to stand up, so I did, and I felt fine. I was dressed as jesus christ for a superhero party, so what else could I do but resurrect myself?

What I should have said was "you ever copulated with a deity? I use the zoological term because...(and this would be whispered very sexily) I'm an animal."

So I just found out that my friend Vinnie was talking to this girl who was freaking out about my rockstar swan-dive onto the kitchen floor crowd of screaming linoleum fans, and she was trying to get me to lay on my side, but instead I wanted to sit up (probably because the floor was wet and disgusting). And she was just yelling at me to lay back down, and all I could do was respond softly:

"jesus is risen"

and hearing this made Vinnie laugh for a long time. And that makes me happy.

So that's what I will leave you with, all of my followers and anyone who actually gives a shit about what I type here.

Jesus is risen. So why can't I?

Is there a rift between the population called by the same syllable, separated by spelling? The answer: a-duh.

And then I went on to explore the preposterous-yet-almost-true-sounding history of the war of Jo(h)ns, and the horrible battle of Athan, and the legendary but ultimately tragic Ny Operation.

," said somebody to the left.

I think I'm'onna drink vodka-redbulls the whole weekend. Just for the holiday. You see, being that valentine's day is coming up, I thought it would be humorously ironic to tempt cardiovascular failure.

so raise up your glass for conflicting ideas,
and drain the whole drink so they'll all disappear.

i've got smoke, pills and powders, and needles and shots
and i'm shooting the noose to get out of the knots.

So buck up, missy, because life is just a limbo of a stripped-down sort of symbol and you only make it simple by pumping up the music and lowering the bar.

But I suppose I fail to remember forgetting December.

Because the weather's gotten warmer but the winter's just begun.

I've got a clock face and I don't know which way is twelve.

So hold out for some splendor, hold onto hope, keep your eyes peeled for the sun.

Class is a synecdoche. Think about it.

But hey, that's why Benjamin Franklin invented alcohol. and jack daniels took a swig and exclaimed "I will found an entire civilization upon this sort of beverage" and jim beam said "me too!" and so they got to fighting. meanwhile a young samuel adams was taking notes in the corner - he had been searching for a way to get women to sleep with him at frat parties. And captain morgan went wee wee wee wee all the way to the caribbean. because he ain't got a home. now is it whee like an exclamation or wee like urination? i think the urination makes more sense in this context - assuming that captain morgan is a business drunk, which is easy to be if your business is piracy - because remember kids - alcohol is a diuretic.

'3:46 - A large round figure, measuring approximately 7 feet in height and 6 feet in width, is stationed outside of one of the exhibit buildings. Slightly bubbling, billowing, and inconsistent exterior. Yellow being the majority color. Animated (drawn-on) eyes and mouth, protruding nose, stubby arms and legs. Disproportionately large, white gloves worn on end of arms and similarly disproportionate imitation Converse All-Stars worn on the end of legs. Bears sizable red baseball cap - reads "Celebration Cinemas". Oversized red, striped basketball-style shorts. Roused by a stereo playing Michael Jackson's "Thriller", the being dances awkwardly, only spurred by the crowds of children drawing near. It doesn't even use the original MJ choreography. I am not impressed. Humans are an odd species. Even at a zoo.'

I had the (Ms.)Fortune of coincidentally coinciding my visit with an event coined "Boo at the Zoo".

(bt dubs it was a dude dancing around in a popcorn kernel mascot costume)

It really upsets me that the thesaurus widget on my mac does not have an entry for penis. Or anything even remotely vulgar for that matter. Come on! Those are the like the best ones!

Fudge...sounds delicious right now. I haven't had a cookie since I-don't-know-when and I haven't made them since I-don't-know-how

The conditions are poor, but fairly consistent
not at all temp'rate, but all too persistent
The sky has turned red, but I am resistant

The nations we see are those we define
by the contents contained on one side of the line
we put our trust in those things that confine
so you stick to yours and I'll stay in mine
for conflicts occur when these two combine.

and ne'er the 'twixt shall exist.

And there is not an ant in my pants nor a pie in the sky that is cool with that.

To reiterate - that is cool with that.

And thus we say goodbye to neverland.
Fuck your self and mine.

well i guess that about wraps it up here at the hogwash. here's to another year eh? hopefully I'll be syndicated by then. Happy anniversary to me.

jt boom

If you could make any two historical figures fight to the death: A. Who would they be? B. What weapon would you give each? C. Who would you want to win? D. Would you duel the winner afterwards?

2010-07-17T13:53:00.001-07:00

jesus this is a tough one. oh! jesus would be a good one. but he couldn't have any weapons. and he would have to fight...joseph smith! and joseph smith would fight with either a scythe or twin sai (like Raphael uses...the teenage mutant ninja turtle, not the renaissance artist. but we should also consider an art contest i think). i think i would want jesus to win, because joseph smith kinda seems like a tool. but hey, i guess this whole fight-to-the-death thing would help me get to know him better so i can make a better and more balanced assessment. but for all you gamblers out there, remember, it's a tad rigged, because supposedly jesus can't die. soooooo...offensive.

but beyond those with religious associations, i would probably choose theodore roosevelt and andrew jackson, because that would just be amazing to watch. and to make it even more entertaining i would make them fight with wire hangers. i think that would encourage creativity. as per my preferred combatant, i would definitely say teddy, on accounta i've always felt that andrew jackson never got his historical comeuppance in terms of the way he is viewed now and all the crazy, shitty things he did in his day (e.g. the trail of tears). but if andrew jackson won i would make him face genghis khan. if teddy won, i would split a fifth of whiskey with him.

But then, I just don't know, there are so many great options... maybe helen keller and eleanor roosevelt! . sure, this would be a second roosevelt, but they seem like a family of scrappers. very refined scrappers. Also, this particular match-up would definitely be interesting given the rule-breaking nature of both of these fine ladies, such as eleanor's breaking of the "no marrying cousins" rule or helen keller's breaking of the much-maligned "mummies don't coach softball" rule. So what I'm saying is that this fight would be super hawt. Also, for novelty sake and promotional reasons, the fight would be broadcast live from an above-ground pool filled waist-high with dippin' dots. but they wouldn't have to be name-brand, helen can't tell the difference.

in other historical news, irony was invented. HA! Get it?! but seriously-

if i ever met abraham lincoln, i would say "suck my dick!"
not because of any problems with his policies or him as a person, but more because i always thought he had a perdy mouth.

and because i think his beard would feel good on my balls.

and i feel his oratorical skills would translate well into the arena of fellatio.

and maybe my dick would go all the way through! what with the head wound and all. if i could ever go back in time, i would save abraham lincoln's life by sticking my cock in his head to stop the bleeding. I bet the secret service never thought of that!

but if he did die, his last words would be something like "stop doing that" or "quit moving around". and it would be funny. to me anyway. everyone else would probably be weirded out, just as you are now.

and then a joke involving lincoln dying with "my dong on his mind"

tasteless.

Ask me anything

In the average human body, all cells divide and then die within a period of about seven years. Given that little nugget of information, you've had roughly three different bodies by now... How does it feel being Jon 3.0?

2010-07-06T01:29:00.001-07:00

it's...annoying. i wouldn't recommend it. though this operating system has fixed many of the problems of previous editions, it is still quite disappointing - high emissions, noisy equipment, all while remaining mostly land-based. My favorite is still Jon 1.4 for adorability.

Wait, wouldn't I be on the fourth?

Ask me anything

Which finger is best?

2010-06-11T00:57:00.001-07:00

Either the index or the middle. But you can't use just one.

Ask me anything