Journal of Miscellany

Lull

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 15:18:00 +0000

Half a year zipped by. Small changes, but nothing significant.

Prediction

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 17:32:00 +0000

I can see some improvements, but not much else. It's not totally useless, is it now?

But there's certainly a whole lot of ground to cover next year.

2012

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 11 May 2012 15:30:00 +0000

I've entered 2012 without much fanfare, but the pressure is still there. I keep failing myself. I've hit the lowest point of my life, and climbed out of it changed indefinitely. I've lied to myself, and even betrayed myself!

Words cannot express how hurt I am.

Year after year after year, with no ending in sight. No easy solution, no clear way out. Me? I keep doubting myself every step of the way. I hesitate too much. I freeze up when big things start coming, much to my detriment.

If I my problems can be plainly visualized, it would be something like this:

I'm at the bottom of a deep pit, deep enough that I can't climb out. There are chains binding me from every direction, so I can't really move every way I want. Add a mountain or two on my shoulders for every year that went by.

But, really now.

I can't save myself.

I desire freedom, but it is always out of my reach.

Sigh, I'll give myself 10 more years.

I'll fight with everything I have, and if I still can't get out, I'll figure something out.

But heh, I am such a useless piece of trash.

Flake

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:10:00 +0000

I've been dragging myself along so far, and and for so long that I've lost sense of who I was and what I wanted in life.

I know now that I'm just a very faint shadow of my past self.

I want to put myself back together, but there's just too many pieces scattered around, and I'm so tired.

And that feeling of tiredness. I don't really know when it began, or when it'll stop, but I think it's turning heavy, and I can feel it getting bigger and bigger. Like a mountain, perhaps. A mountain no one can see, and I'm shouldering it.

An architect told me that I should complete something, or do something that will give me a sense of relief or contentment. A very simple answer, but the execution itself is hard. The flesh is weak.

The mind itself is a mystery.

It wanders off to a lot of places and sees a lot of things it shouldn't have.

I feel numb.

Counter Flay

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 10:18:00 +0000

Artwork not connected whatsoever with work of fiction.

There was once one who drank from the air and ate from the flowing water, standing as a blackened cenotaph for all to see.

"Whatever dreams he envisioned, half filled portions would rise up and get swallowed up by the roaring winds, while parched dregs of what remained, not unlike cheap burned up glass, would crash down onto the earth with dull thuds, setting unkindly, causing vaporous smoke to rise up and choke the lower crusts of its confabulated and baked out surface."

One night, they called him wrong, and lured him out onto an empty field.

Softly he began, "It is high night when all wrongs are heavy, a great time for everyone to lie and die. Pray confound me if you do, but why?"

"He called me a liar and a fiend, but I am neither!" The leech friend complained.

"Ho, so you say, but what of me a falsity turned real? The truth you say, and with you no liar?" the leech thought.

"I cannot lie, and I certainly did not."

"I fed myself from my mind's eye, and my mouth tasted red sweetness."

The host concurred to both. Nodded to the other.

Beauty, beauty for all of you, haggardly niggards, regardless of how real it is.

"I want..." but, looking down at his feet, he could not continue.

The sterile earth, he knows, would have never lied to him in the first place.

Field

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 10:05:00 +0000

Virtue depicted is not related to the fairy tale at all.

Some time later, they were woken up by a leech friend.

Apparently, the leech friend also saw fit to take the liberty of transporting their bodies onto an open field.

"By hand, I am fiend, but I can also be a very gentle and special friend." quoth the leech friend, saving the leech from the redundancy of speech.

"Mayhaps I've waited long, and then some, but what else is there?" The hosts' eyes blinked and roved and carved about, but he can't see some.

The leech friend walked around, the leech crawled circles.

"I hope soon there be flowers at the very least," the host thought quietly.

"Growth, growth, take time and take heart. Should be around, should be aground!" raved the leech friend.

"Soon, soon, you mean? You fiend? You friend fiend!" the leech thought aloud.

"I am friend, they called me fiend, and I am leech friend, but no leech is a friend of mine," said the leech friend calmly.

Then all three turned silent.

The open field was wide enough, bare enough, and airy enough. But one or three alive can still suffocate on abundance.

Degradation

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 06:30:00 +0000

Pictured, Anisakis simplex, no relation to fairy tale.

I believe I believe when there was a time called once upon a time, a leech looked up to his host and said, "you are very sick, and yet I am still with you, feeding off your blood. Won't you ever get mad?"

The host looked down, perceiving the leech that clung tightly down under, gave it a smile that can only appear on one beyond weariness and care.

There was a moment of meandering silence at the effect of such a contact, but

"Ahm, I see." The leech answered back redundantly, and continued to feed.

Sometime later, when the leech got full it fell off the host and wriggled a bit on the ground. The host, who was sitting still all this while, remained so.

Understanding each other, neither of them spoke anymore.

Creation and Delay

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 04:31:00 +0000

Again and again, one ant alone cannot be at fault. The fault represents the whole, and the whole ain't that wholesome. A nest full of problems, problems that require the need of drain cleaner, gasoline and a lit match.

Poison doesn't work as well as they used to. Those ants probably formed some kind of resistance against it a generation or two back, but it probably goes way back from even before then.

I can only watch, unable to do a thing for now. I can't find the nest. These little critters are red and tiny. Gave me quite a sting. Raided the wholemeal bread wholesale. Bread costs 4.50 and a long trip to get.

Disappointed, and it doesn't even have the nerve to talk back to me. Nothing but problems. But of course ants are simple creatures. Swarm behavior and what not.

But how long must I wait?

You can't have ants in your house you know.

Knee

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 07:44:00 +0000

My right leg's been acting up lately. I can feel my kneecap locking up a bit after a walk or two. Must have been the weird weather. But still, it's hard to imagine that a swim injury from years back can lead on to something like this.

The cat that's been sleeping up on the cupboard is growing fat, thanks to the local neighborhood's crazy cat lady. I don't think I like the feel of that. Kept eying us from above whenever we go in and out of the house. Felt as if it wants to pounce up on us from that rickety old cupboard. Normally a Sieg Heil from either me or my brother would scare it off, but I still don't like it. Those mean green eyes that infernal creature has meant business, unfortunately.

High night, I dream, but I dream of knives. Designer knives. How quaint.

Health

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 15:59:00 +0000

Checklist:

1.Low bone density-high risk group. Osteoporosis imminent in the next decade or two.

2.Low blood pressure-manageable but for how long?

3.Underweight-weight won't go up no matter what I eat.

4.Low blood count-as long as I don't bleed out or donate I should be fine.

5.Eyes-experiencing gradual loss of sight. Not entirely sure how to solve this one.

6.Teeth-1 upcoming operation, another repeat highly possible. Braces, some bleaching and removal of calcified matter. Structural integrity questionable due to past experience of breaking one with ease and current state of bones.

7.Skin-cholesterol deposits beneath skin a hereditary condition. No known cure aside from direct surgical excision. But it won't work, it's too widespread.

8.Hair-hair loss is also hereditary. Cannot foresee when it'll happen.

9.Chest pains-read out like the signs of oncoming heart problems. Happens once or twice a year. Long term implications unknown at the moment.

10.Possible risk of other problems-?

Solution:a very big question mark. I hope everything holds.

Fragile

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 13:43:00 +0000

The clinic called on Tuesday evening, told me to wait for yet another week.

Fine.

So for today, I opted to check up my bone density at an Anlene sponsored booth.

Out of a scale of -4 to +2, I'm right at -2.8.

Apparently it's so lame that 60+ year old Indian lady scored better than me.

The health counselor was somewhat alarmed as well, considering my age. She gave me a period of 8 years to ante up, or face some really unhealthy consequences.

That puts coffee, tea and alcohol out of the question. I never cared about coffee before, alcohol was so so, but tea was a hard one.

Eih.

Fi fo

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 16:04:00 +0000

I fear I fear myself for who I am. At certain times and at certain points of my life, people I think I can get close to breaks off.

I failed.

I failed at explaining a lot of things. I failed to give closure and I failed to keep something that should have gone on a lot longer on the line. I failed a lot of people.

I realized that and I realized how wrong I am, and how weak I am to solve them all. I failed everyone.

In the end, people can only get disappointed. Then they hate me.

I know that they hate my guts. They hate me for all the things that I've said and for who I am.

Small wonder everything can't go right.

I can't go and look back either.

I'm already neck deep last year, so this year I'll be the one doing all the drowning.

It won't end, and for some reason this condition, took a few lives of it's own, likes being a transition of an unending sort.

Good Friday.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:47:00 +0000

I wish you all a good holiday.

I heard today that they are going to pay Grandmother a visit early on the morn. Not bad, not bad.

Q?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 14:24:00 +0000

The lust for metal, both figurative and literal, increases. What am I to do?

Something must have gone very wrong somewhere,eh?

(And on a completely unrelated note),

But not quite, not yet at once when I can still see.

But I see that I am thrust out onto the crossroads again. Whatever I do, things won't turn out well for some. I can hardly blame anyone or anything now, can I?

Move.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 11:56:00 +0000

That cube of an area was completely cleared of greenery. That's progress enough, I guess.

Dental surgery in another week's time. Translation work to pick up. I'll try to stay alive to finish it all.

Done?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 15:06:00 +0000

Everything's signed up last Monday, I heard. Relief came over me, but the sense of certainty that usually came with such scenarios never did. Hn.

Our young and strapping forerunner is having some difficulties with the waterworks, what's with our neighbour building it too deep. Delays and more delays, then.

Another separate scenario I planned out also failed. Unexpected arrangement of timing and pacing had done the whole plan in. Did not expect the supposedly macho lady to balk out when confronted with a heavy amount of calculated risk. Cowardice did the rest for the three in need.

I was told that for them, it was a lost cause.

Trace

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 13:09:00 +0000

We met at the appointed time.

My case was documented.

Hi resolution pictures and some close-ups were taken with a camcorder, presumably for case study.

Together the doctor and I sought out the skin specialist.

The specialist said that it's hereditary.

Nothing serious.

We got out of the specialist's room in silence.

Heh.

My back looks like the fractured map of some weird country, and it's nothing serious.

"A rare case, at least I think so. Nothing quite like it."

I asked for health check.

He obliged.

Nothing wrong there.

I asked for his card.

But he didn't have one.

Government employees were not supposed to have one.

He wishes me a Happy Easter, and I bid him the same.

Respect. Gratitude.

He's a really nice guy.

I went out. I laughed at myself. Hollow.

Handle

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 12:47:00 +0000

I held out my left arm.

The nurse stabs.

Blood flows, but only halfway through before it recedes back into my arm.

She applies pressure.

It's no use.

"Nurse, tangan kiri biasanya n'dak bulih. Tiap-tiap kali pun macam tu bah."

"Kau tak pernah buat khejekeh ngan tangan tu?"

"N'dak tau lah...."

Plaster and cotton balls were applied.

The elastic velcro strap was switched to the next arm.

I was told to clench up a tight fist.

Blood fills up the first vial real quick.

But it slowed to a drip on the second one.

I waited long, got taken, then wandered around aimlessly.

A few hours later, I saw my doctor.

The results were out, but he told me to wait a while longer.

He was flustered and sweating all over.

10-20 minutes later, I learned that there's nothing wrong with my blood sugar or cholesterol level.

"Then what is it? What's your guess? Try and make a guess, it's gotta be something right?"

"Frankly, I don't know. I'm completely clueless right now. But hey, look, come back tomorrow and meet me at nine and I'll take you to the skin specialist. The guy comes around once every Friday, and tomorrow's Friday."

"Eh? How'd I find you then?"

"Yeah, uh, take a number downstairs like usual, and let them handle everything. I don't really know where I'll end up tomorrow, so yeah...."

Both of the plasters on my hand were still there on the journey back. I got weird stares from some people, and that's about it. Nothing too uncommon, I see.

Probable biopsy it is then!

Weakness

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 09:42:00 +0000

I know that there's something odd with me for quite a few years, it's a feeling that goes alongside premonitions of a very short life coupled with bad health.

I've also been told, since last year, that the skin of my back harbors an unhealthy amount of cholesterol deposits.

I went to the hospital for a check this morning.

The doctor was fascinated.

He checked up with his buck toothed coworker next door. Together they proclaimed the emergence of something rare. Said something about stuff not matching up to common pattern.

They offered me two possibilities.

Either I have high cholesterol, coupled with the possibilities of heart problems later on, or a rare skin disease.

Further blood work, or maybe a biopsy tomorrow, good luck.

I won?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 17:36:00 +0000

Last year, my favourite food magazine organized a contest. The prizes were kinda awesome, so I joined. I filled all three forms with slogans I can't exactly remember anymore and my prize choices.

Months go by, and nothing much happened. I got a call on the evening of the 26th last month as I was on my way to a steamboat dinner; the voice was female and she told me that I won a bottle of wine. Nice.

I ate my dinner that evening contemplating on it whilst looking out at the sea. The sun inched out of view, and the sea darkened.

I was to collect my prize on the 10th of this month, and so I went. The given address was the big Star office at Shah Alam, and the journey there was awfully expensive.

A woman with a pair of striking green eyes met me at the lobby. She handed me a bag, inside was a small bottle of wine wrapped with clear plastic. She told me that it's Eiswein.

When I got back I realized that the magazine flubbed at the prize description. They mismatched the pictures of this wine with that of the Ornellaia, and they said that it was a 750 bottle instead of a 375. I called back to make sure.

And yes, it was a 375 and it had always been sold in that size. That left me embarrassed.

But all in all, I think this baby's a keeper!

Metal Feast

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 16:29:00 +0000

When I saw this thing on a pillar right beside the Metal Burger stall at Mile 4, it was already mid February. I was way too late. For those who might not be able to see it that clearly, here's a better version of the event flyer, taken from the Mortuary Ancestor's Myspace page:

It seems that the local metal scene is having a revival of sorts, and I'd say that's kinda good. It used to be quite big when I was younger, say like the 80's and the 90's.

Well, as for my hometown's band, they're quite ok, I think.

RIP

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 03:26:00 +0000

She was gone for good at the end of last month, a little while during the night after I came back from traipsing around Perak.

The news of it came out as sudden as it can be easily said in a line, and all I can feel then was just a hollow feeling bordering on apathy. Why'd people have to cry so much only after someone's dead?

I don't know for sure, but there sure is a lot of resentment going on about this matter. But really now, I am inclined to remain obstinate.

I paid a little visit to the cemetery two days after I went back. By then she's been buried for four days. Funeral and burial was done three days after her death, and the obituary appeared after 8 days. Time, and time again, and supposedly of natural causes. Time.

The Anglican cemetery's just right beside the Catholic one. The whole area's hilly and there's a great abundance of clean air and sunshine. Stone and wooden crosses covered the whole hillside. Everything's quiet except for the tip-tip tap of some unseen gravediggers making a new pit.

I stood in front of the grave wielding an iron pipe, father had his hands on a wooden stake.

He was wary of highwaymen, and well, he had his points. The area's pretty lonesome, and the only way out was a small road that can only fit one car at a time. The churches can only do so much on private efforts without the help of government road-makers.

Solemn. And it was odd that the rootless flowers planted on the ground remained somewhat alive after this many days. Someone must have tended them.

RIP.

Trouble

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 16:37:00 +0000

We are suppose to be merciful to the dying, but were they ever merciful to themselves? She's hooked up on life support, and was pretty unresponsive for the past few days. The doctor told us to accept what's coming, and that her time's almost up, but what's coming ain't seem too eager to come. Days passed by with her just hanging by the very ends of her being.

Her whole arm's bloated up, they say, and I'm guessing that the I.V fluids can't find drainage. Relatives come and go, saying final words that probably won't be heard. Mom said she's been gone inside for quite a few months back, and finds comfort in the fact that she had probably walked out of her mind bit by bit with peace and ignorance to a place where time never mattered, and what's still alive now is no more than a damaged and atrophied meat shell running on empty.

But did I ever get to say a proper goodbye every time I visited last year? She kept on thinking that I'll come back for my holidays, but her sense of time's so screwed up she kept thinking that holidays will always be two weeks away with no progression from today to tomorrow.

Why all this cruelty, why and with not a single day of ease? Why so many friends and yet so many enemies among the closest of your kin? You took everything they threw at you well but why were you never given what you deserve? Your friends cannot help you, your kinsfolk are always trying to kill you, and you cannot help yourself!

Even the hospital's trying to do a number on her, telling my aunt that she's OK to go home, even though she's not. She doesn't even look anywhere near OK.

My aunts refused, same with mom. Doctor called the next day, repeating the same thing. A random nurse called the day after, and the next. Nurse moved on to threats of forced eviction, without caring if she's now totally reliant on permanent life support, which my house definitely doesn't have.

Finally, nurse called to say that the hospital's gonna call the cops on us, and that they'll do everything possible to get their way.

Funny how a government hospital, that used to house the sick and the dying a few years back, is now devoid of any old folks sleeping over. Impressive new policy they have here.

Mom called in yesterday to say that grandma's not the only one having a streak of bad luck, it seems that granduncle was recently diagnosed with tongue cancer, and her daughter, who had just fought off breast cancer a few years ago have to deal with liver cancer in round 2.

And oh, my current economic fate is in the hands of a person with a delicate disposition, with his frail sanity eaten away bit by bit, he's now only inclined to help me halfheartedly, and on Mondays only.

Near end

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 15:01:00 +0000

They told me that grandmother had taken ill earlier today. She won't eat anything, and there's something wrong with her lungs. Her eye's were half shut, and she's gone catatonic.

They feel that she's pretty near the clearing at the end of the path, and yet they waited and dawdled and insisted that my old man, who was miles away to rush back and be the one to take her to the hospital. Evidently with all the able bodied people all around her, nobody was willing to do anything to help her. They raved and they complained but they sat still, and what nerves they have!

~~One should really question their motives, maybe they've been waiting a long time for this moment...~~

Hargh!

Nothing can really sum up the extent of the anger I'm feeling now, I..I...

My God my Lord, if you can hear out the pain and sadness of your humble servant, please do what you may to help her. Amen.

Shortcomings

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 05:56:00 +0000

I went for a swim with some of my friends two days ago, and it was the first time for me in many months. All should be well, but it isn't.

Just sitting with half of my body in the not so cold water produced wave after wave of ungodly chills up my spine. My teeth can't stop chattering and the palm of my hands were a sickly white.

I came to realize then that my life had been but an endless series of all or nothing gambles.

I gambled to stay alive, I gambled to stay on the very top at great cost, I gambled away people's trust and money, I gambled with time.

I cannot help anyone, and I cannot save anyone!

All of this nonsense, and for what? It's a miracle I can stay alive for so long. I shouldn't even be alive in the first place.

I can't but feel bitter envy at people who can be so alive, with their worlds full of meaning and health, and living as if with no effort at all. Plus, they don't have to try very hard to win, winning everything is already a permanent part of their easy lives.

For me, I'll have to travel thrice as far just to catch up, and ten times the sacrifice just to overtake them, but no matter what I did I never became the very best, just because of some limitation at play.

I can win if I want to, I think, but I won't be very human anymore by then, as I once was.

But I think there's no turning back for this sort of existence, if you can call it that. It's hollow, through and through, as I already am, too.