“We are not here to fit in…we are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being…we are here to become more and more ourselves.”
― James Hollis

1. Contrast Skater Dress (citychic.com.au) – 119.95 – 59.95 AUD

2. Chiffon Shrug (citychic.com.au) – 49.95 AUD

3. Full Length Leggings (citychic.com.au) – 19.95 AUD

4. Peep Toe Flats (target.com.au) – 34.95 AUD

5. “Cherish” Mommy Necklace (mommynecklaces.com) – 26 USD

I wore this to work this past week, and I felt fabulous!

Thanks for reading Happiness is the Journey. Please stop by Work Wear: Skater Dress and leave a comment. :)

It’s been two and a half years since I was formally diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. It’s still not something I have been able to put completely behind me, nor do I think it ever will be. Depression and anxiety remain my daily companions, but instead of being door closed in front of me, they linger behind me like my shadow.

I have so enjoyed getting to know myself, learning all the little things that make me who I am. It seems a little silly to think that you can be yourself and yet not really understand what makes you you, or what things set you off. I find it really exciting to know those things now.

I’m currently working in Human Resources and have had the opportunity to see a lot of psychometric assessments throughout the recruitment process, including my own. I could quite literally pour over my tests results for hours with fascination and enjoying some pretty real elements of surprise as well. The sort of person I am now, two years after diagnosis, has changed a great deal.

I feel great enthusiasm for learning. The downside of that is that it can rear up as being pure perfectionism, then I have to take a mental step back, let go and allow myself to risk making mistakes. More than anything I just feel a drive to achieve, to excel. I’m excited by the kind of person I have grown in to, and I am excited to push my limits. Rather than being overwhelmed by pressure, I’ve learnt to thrive in it and, my goodness, I’ve actually come to enjoy and somewhat crave the little adrenaline rush that pressure gives me. I’ll trade the desire to cut with the desire to achieve any day.

I am still on medications although I have recently been working with a doctor and a psychiatrist to adjust my dosage (lowering) and to change one medication. I feel that I am coping very well with the pressures in my life, and I didn’t have a massive breakdown even when I moved countries. I have taken a very proactive approach to my mental health. I don’t want to be on medication just for the sake of being on it, but I don’t aim to be entirely medication free if I need it to remain stable. I don’t have a cold that can be cured by antibiotics, I have a disease, the symptoms of which can be managed with medication and counselling. I’m happy to take it week by week, pay attention to the subtle changes in my moods and my ability to cope.

I’m the kind of person where if I find something that works well for me, I am very keen to recommend it to other people. That’s how I feel about counselling. Now a part of me is reminding myself that it might be a good idea to go see a new counsellor for a few sessions to make sure I really am coping as well as I think I am. I consider that more of a mental health check-up, or if I can use a friendlier term, let’s call it a self-care check-up from an external perspective. Self-care has nicer connotations to it than mental health.

The reason I am sharing this, despite the fact that I still quite uncomfortable opening myself up to judgment on all of this, is that I really want to be able to offer a glimpse to someone who is in the depths of depression, feels them self sinking or perhaps has always lived with it but never realized there are other ways of being. I want them to be able to read something like this and recognize something in me that resonates with something in them. I am still working to shed the fear and the shame, but I desperately want other people who are new in this journey to not feel it themselves.

If you think this could help someone else, please pass it on.

Image source: kellyraeroberts.com

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We moved from Canada to Australia with a two and four year old and ten pieces of luggage – all of our worldly possessions. It sure seemed like a lot of luggage as I had to unload every piece off the airport carousel, trying to keep an eye on the girls as Matt was stuck going through customs. Even more so as we wheeled two luggage carts piled sky high through the airport. That was nothing compared to when we had to leave the carts behind and wheel all the suitcases by hand, lifting them on and off trains in the few seconds allowed before the train doors would close – and that was with eight adult hands.  It was good to finally get them indoors and realise that really, we barely owned anything.

Going through an experience like moving your entire family from one side of the world to the other really helps you realise what really matters. It’s not the stuff, although the stuff can be comforting. I don’t really regret the books or clothes I chose to leave behind, so much as the people that I miss.

Here are a few of the more memorable moments during our travels:

Matt’s passport getting flagged in Winnipeg so that we almost missed our first flight, and were paged from the gate as we ran for it, being the last passengers on the plane.

Spending 75% of the flight from Winnipeg to Vancouver taking one or the other kid to the toilet.

Not being allowed to hold Freya during the plane landing in Vancouver as she was ‘over’ two and subjecting the entire plane to twenty minutes of screaming.

Driving to Stanley Park in Vancouver and thinking that based on the views we should have been living there all along!

Seeing the tall hedges around houses in Vancouver, they were taller than the houses!

Watching a giant cruise ship go past Stanley Park and seeing the seals bobbing in the water off the shore.

Freya peeing through her diaper on one of the chairs in the rental car office – whoops.

Handling my anxiety over flying by realising that if we crashed, at least we were fulfilling our goals (weird, but true).

The in-flight video system not working for the first 3-4 hours of the 15 hour flight from Vancouver to Sydney.

Being glad I decided not to encourate Freya to wean before the move, since nursing was just about the only way I got her settled on the flight.

Suffering a massive nose bleed on the 15 hour long flight, while holding sleeping Freya.

Being determined not to buckle Freya in to her seat but to hold her while we landed in Sydney – and the attendants on that flight weren’t bothered by that at all.

Nearly losing Desana between the platform and the train once we got to Sydney!

Now we are in Australia! After over a year of planning it took a little while for reality to set in. Life has changed a lot. We have been here for ten weeks today which sounds a lot longer than it has felt. The first month or so we just spent some time sight seeing and relaxing. The past year has been fairly stressful, going through all the steps for immigration and preparing our house to sell in Canada. It was nice to just take some time for a bit of a holiday. Despite it being winter in Australia we went to the beach several times a week and generally laughed at how very different winter is here.

Now we are ready to move on to the next step which is properly establishing our lives in Australia. I have a new job that I’m starting on Monday, and we are currently looking for our own place to rent. I’ve even been taking driving lessons. Next on the to-do list, blog more.

Image source: creativegreed.com

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We are just 23 days away from our flight to Australia. At this point it seems as if everyone else is excited on my behalf. I’ve slowly been coming to the realisation that I’m feeling a lot of grief over what I’m leaving behind. It’s a difficult place to be, because on the one hand I rationally know I should be celebrating the massive accomplishment of having achieved our long-term goal of being able to move our family back to Australia. That was a crazy, intense, expensive, long process that is about to come to fruition. However, on the other hand I’m really not ready to accept that it is happening, primarily because this move means leaving behind my best friend. Frankly, that part of it really, really sucks.

Here’s the thing about my experience with friendship; finding a best friend is pretty darn close to the search for your life partner. You build relationships where someone will have a lot of the traits you are looking for, but it’s not quite the perfect fit. Or, you will really like them, but they don’t really feel the same way about you. Way too many times in the past I’ve had the experience of: She’s my best friend but I’m not HER best friend. How nice it is to have someone who genuinely considers you their best friend!

So when you take in to account that my search for a best friend has been a lifelong effort, perhaps you can understand my reluctance to accept that I have knowingly chosen to leave her behind. Again, that part really, really sucks.

Here’s the plus side. Accepting that our friendship isn’t going to be as readily accessible anymore, has lead to a greater appreciation of that friendship. I’ve been blessed to be able to move in with my best friend and her family for our last few weeks in Canada. We are cramming in as much memory making time as we can. After that it’s a matter of making the commitment to not let the physical distance put distance in our friendship.

This quote pretty much sums up how I’m trying to feel:

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. – Dr. Seuss

p.s. It’s not over, darn it!

 Image source: Bohemian Prints

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My life feels as if it has been comprised of moments of ‘how am I going to get through this’, followed by a quick fast forward and puzzled realization that I survived the challenge and a how about that! 27 years of getting to know this person I am and I still regularly underestimate my abilities to get through and cope. I’ve slowly started to come in to this stage of begrudging self-pride. Less ‘I think I can’ more ‘Can I do this?’ to ‘I somehow did it!’. Now I am using the knowledge that I’ve made it through certain things as the assurance I can make it through the next.

I’m fairly confident that I’m embarking on a big adventure. I’m gradually allowing myself to feel a little bit of pride about having made this possible, of being at the point where next month we will have achieved this massive long-term goal.

Moving back to Australia isn’t a small thing for me. I left the country when I was 19 and a newlywed. I’ll be returning a month before my 28^th birthday, having been married for eight years and now having two children. That’s just a drop in a bucket. To say that I’ve changed from the person I was in 2004 is a vast understatement.

We decided to sell all of our belongings and start over, partly because the cost to ship everything would be more than what it’s all worth, partly because we really want to start over with nothing. Minimalism appeals to me, less so than it does to my husband. I think for him he just can’t stand an excess of toys and not being able to find things when we need them. So at this point we are planning on taking four large bags and four carry-on bags. That means fitting the past 8 years of my life in to one bag, for my husband it’s his whole life. Funny thing is that his suitcase is currently not even a quarter full and mine is stuffed and overflowing! Who do you think is the more sentimental of the two of us?

We are less than a week from moving out of our house, which has sold. This weekend we are selling the rest of our stuff that we aren’t taking with us. I still can’t quite believe we are at that stage.

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