Journey of A Medie

On HO-ship in Medie's P.O.V.

2019-03-10T12:00:00.000+08:00

There comes a time when the final year medies would need to decide where we want to do our housemanship (HO-ship). What's with the new proposals of wanting to extend the bonding from 3 years to 5 years, bull-shit is what I say.

No, it's not because we're not passionate about medicine. It's because of the bloody lousy healthcare system.

With more and more medical colleges around, more and more private college graduates flood the government hospitals for HO-ship training. As a consequences of extending HO-ship from one year to 2 years, you get 2 batches of HOs in the hospitals; the senior HO and the junior HO.

And now we were told that we still don't have enough doctors in the peripheries, because why? The HOs are all crowding in the main hospitals. But then again, what was the cause of crowding hospitals? The bloody 2 years HO-ship to cater the small bunch of incompetent doctors, wherever they're from...

I'm not saying private medical schools produces incompetent doctors. But I'm just saying, just because you get good results and you think you're eligible to do medicine doesn't mean that you could just pay your way off medical school for the title.

It pisses me off when one of the patients' husband told me his son is doing medicine in Cyberjaya, and he's got exams every week and life's so hard and everything, that it shouldn't be so difficult. What the bull man?! You want your son to do medicine you stop complaining, you got him into this.

So we've been getting grave reviews of HO-ship in the country. Part of the misery comes from the grand workloads with little time to spare for friends and family. But another part of the misery comes from the HO needing to work with the incompetent HO from wherever they're from, and subsequently needing to help them finish off their jobs.

Incompetent doctors are out there because, I think partly because it's so easy to do medicine nowadays. Last I heard, there was only one medical university, and a few international twining campuses with Ireland and India. Then Australia set up theirs. Then before you know it, the private university colleges set up their own medical faculty. Like, wtf??? We used to study so hard so that we could be accepted into the medical school, and to be accepted was like, God send. Now? 50k and you're studying Anatomy and Physiology in some medical faculty in some private colleges.

No eye see, really.

I rest my case.

[StoryTeller Ver0.2 Vol.2] Best Man

2018-05-10T11:48:00.000+08:00

O'Brien sat across the table, smiling. We've known each other for years, I can barely remember how long, but it must've been over a decade at least. It just started with a snap, and we started our seemingly not quite compatible relationship as friends that easily.

"So... I've got a news for you."

We began hanging out at bars for drinks into wee hours of the morning, talking crap and what nots. We began going out for short trips just because we wanted to shoot a perfect picture of the sun rising in the eastern horizon. And we basically see each other almost everyday, with different activities, majority comprising of dinner and gym.

"Uhuh. Shoot. I'm all ears."

We kept in touch via text messages, short calls and most of the times via live messengers online. As time passes by, we got on with our lives. With our work, our relationships, and our families respectively. But we stood by each other, helping one another should there be any predicaments. We share everything that happened, including the darkest secrets even our mothers did not know. We were basically soul mate, in that sense.

"Promise me you won't be shocked!"

"Bring it on. I don't think I couldn't be able to handle it after what has happened."

And one day, he came to tell me he had been dating my twin sister! It was a surprising news! For the workaholic in us, I'm amazed he could even made time to go out dating with another lady for it was like we were basically hanging out whenever we got free time. Which was, pretty rare, for he's a manager of some sort for the airline company, while I've been running around managing my internationally-recognized designs. And the part of dating my twin sister, even I myself didn't know!

"I'm thinking of proposing. But I want your blessings."

But even after he's been dating, he never treat me less. I was brought to meet his girl as a surprise, and was introduced to her as the boyfriend. God it was so funny that my twin sister looked at us almost with her eyes popped out. But after much explanation, the three of us hang out more and more. And it felt so good that I got closer to my sister as the days passed by.

"Bravo buddy! You've got my blessings!"

"Not unless you become my best man."

"Hahaha. That's the least I could help out buddy!"

"Alrighty! There'll be 4 more guys, of which 2 of them are gay couple. I'm sure you know Kenny and Bernard."

"I'm fine with them, they're really cool people."

"The other two will be Kee Hong and Shawn. Here's their number, you better make sure I get my surprise!"

"Bugger you horny lad!"

And he laughed.

To be continued..

On Turning 29

2016-04-23T00:44:00.001+08:00

11.35 PM I had a panic attack. I looked at my datelines and I freaked out. Too many things to do. Too little time. I can't manage this any longer. I think I'm gonna break down.

12.05 AM I'm fine. I will be alright. I'm a survivor. God please have mercy

On YES on ERL

2016-03-29T04:36:00.001+08:00

Let the picture say it all.
Hint: Main content of the picture. Signal strength.

On being Humbled by Mental Torture

2016-02-22T23:14:00.001+08:00

People say it is not ethical for medical practitioner to treat personal friend or family, mainly because judgements can be clouded and could pose imminent danger to the patient, who essentially is also someone beloved and held so dear.

I am at a cross road I don't know what I should do.

Someone I love dearly is suffering. Because an important man in his life is suffering. While I have the capability to do render proper help to whoever suffering from similar symptoms where I practice, I don't have the such privilege in where he lives. For two weeks, he texted me everyday and described to me how he saw his man suffer, and the frustration from the start, gradually turns into helplessness. Every time he turned to me and let me know in one short sentence 'My Papa is unstable today.'

Starting off with some degree of skepticism, it took me a few days to understand what his worries were based on. But with that understanding, I began to become more irritable and anxious. I was jumpy and I skipped a beat when his text was about his man. I had in turn became annoyed, partly at him, partly at his man and partly at everything else. I snapped at my loved ones physically around me, I lost my patience and I could not concentrate in my readings. For days in a row, the ringtone of his message turned my hands and legs cold and my heart rate doubled, and my chest aching. It wasn't only till a few nights before the impulsive trip, of which I made because I could no longer cope with it, that I found how terribly wrong and how sorry I should be to misunderstand him. To him, I was a form of consolation. I was where he thought he could seek solace and peace. Physically or not, I should have been able to provide what he hoped he could find in me. And I had failed myself in failing to understand where he was coming from and I hated myself for the first time.

When we finally met that afternoon, the silence in the car was deafening. His love was silent, and so was he. I had no means of breaking the ice, because I was already frozen to my core. Thankfully the ride was not long. But not thankful to any extend, was the moment when all of us stepped out of the car into the afternoon sun at the porch of his house. My heart sank. And I was so near to tears. Whatever had he done to deserve such punishment and suffering? He was entirely different, the negativity from his man, had sucked out the light and soul of him, and he was haggard, downcast and lethargic. If there was a choice then, now or whenever possible, I would have wished for me to have that sufferings he bear.

The short 2 days we were together, I told myself repeatedly I needed to be strong for him. As I watch him struggling to stand and walk, having been bogged down by the burden and pain of watching his man suffer, I had indirectly joined and boarded his train of heartache. Despite the ability in sharing what I know and making sure it was understood, the motivation and relief in having a glimpse of hope to the end of this gloom was too short-lived...

Entering the 3rd week now, I began to wonder if this is all but a nightmare. My helplessness was so great, I tear at the thought of this one person I love dearly.

On the Zodiac Forecast

2016-02-14T17:38:00.001+08:00

Courtesy of the magazine "Convergence".

On Seeking Help...

2016-01-25T15:23:00.001+08:00

The Control had became the Problem.
And therefore the pain continues...

On the Cynical Bong

2016-01-23T12:35:00.001+08:00

On the Separation Everytime We Had

2016-01-17T21:29:00.001+08:00

A close kin pointed out that I have this habit of turning back and look for my loved ones, every time I crossed the security check into the immigration gates at the airports. That look that I had on my face, according to her, was nothing words could describe; the longing, the unspoken love, and the unwillingness in the separation.

Seconds after I walked past the security officer at KLIA2 tonight, I turned around as I walked, and saw you standing there. I held my hands up high and gave you a gentle wave. And you did the same with your right hand, with that cup of hot chamomile tea from Starbucks that I failed to drink in your left hand. As I paced towards the automated gate, you too turned around, as you prepared to head in the opposite direction...

On Reminiscing the Past

2016-01-17T13:03:00.001+08:00

10 years ago, Genting Highlands used to be THE place to go.
We used to be so excited with the thought of going up the mountain.
Getting lost amongst the neon lights and flickering signboards.
10 years from now, the sky may still be blue, the moon may still be round...
But will I still be around?

On Messing with the Devil

2016-01-17T11:40:00.001+08:00

If only my devil is as drawn.
But no.
My devil is a huge ugly creature with eyes so big and mouth so teethy and fangs so sharp I'm on the verge of spontaneous ripping apart at the sight of it.
But I'm contented.
I think.
For I have lived a life, I don't deserve.

Eureka #1 - building resilience

2015-10-22T00:09:00.001+08:00

Had a bad day. Somewhat.
No one scolds me.
But the remark "you must know your patients" plus that kind of look on your face, carries with it, the weight of 100x scoldings.

I could not even compose my thoughts right now. I have got a million things to say. But I know that I must not because they are without "cushioning" and the repurcussions are going to be bad. And I say so because I know I should not and therefore must not; taking into considerations that I am a practitioner, and I believe in 'think before you speak'.

But there is a limit to everything you see. The glass will break if it drops. The rubber band will break if it's elasticity is breached. The electricity power box will short circuit if the house is overloaded. Something like that, if that helps to put thing into perspective.

So similarly.
You called me to your room before I start my call. You told me you "believe" in me, that I "have not maximised" my potential. You asked me for my feedback. You said you took into considerations of my circumstances and you told me you adjusted your expectations.

And then you told me you did all that because you wanted to find out if hearsay was true.

I don't know if you could tell. And I think you know I knew from whom you obtained that piece of feedback from. Regardless, I have shown my vulnerability; because I am feeling 101% negativity from you - I was close to tears, my eyes welled up, and I stuttered when I tell you what I find flawed in this system.

And you said you heard me.

So I mend my heart, and muttered the strength to go to work since beginning of this week. I dreaded sunrise. I dreaded changing into work attire. I dreaded heading to work. I dreaded walking through the hospital door. And I absolutely dreaded entering and leaving the lift on level X. I have tried to find means of coping - I reflect, I find ways to compensate my lack in knowledge by trying to read in between and when I have free time, I vent, I literally and physically stayed back, and I tried to meet your expectations - one I thought you level me at. And I thought I could and would be able to go through and cope with, for another 2 weeks of what I deemed and anticipate to be bad.

I have learnt from experience that expectations fail me. And when there's no expectations, things doesn't work out all that well as well. So I have somewhat made myself to expect the worst, physically and mentally prepped myself of "death" every morning, which I have yet to find myself being failed by. And I group my approach to change and anticipated stress as a conscious coping strategy, reversing the possible effects so that mentally and psychologically, even when "death" happens, I already prepped myself. Anything less debilitating - comatose, paralysed, amputated, I say my grace.

But today. The first time we work together, you slammed me down on the stone floor. My honest feedback - the feed back you gave last week failed. At least on my part.

To put things from my perspective, perhaps I could describe a more common scenario. You are a primary school teacher. One of the boys came from the rural area (ie those growing up in a farm, playing with the baby goat and go swimming by the stream most of the day, yet know about milking cow at his age), who never seen or touched or hold a pencil, as much as the kids from the city (ie those growing up in the urban area, received private tutor since 4 years old); so you reassured him on the first day, found out he learnt about letters and numbers from his mother before this. So you told him not to worry and tried to ease his anxiety, as he was already looking at you in fear. While he has agreed to your reassurance, and sat down quietly in class the next 2 days, he thought you are being nice in setting the ground rules for your class and that you told him before it got too late - ie half the semester gone and he hasn't master a firm grip on his pen. But 3 days later, you saw that he was completing his homework in the classroom before the start of the lesson. But you found out soon when he headed over to him, that he was struggling to write the letter "h". You asked, "Why you so slow? You should have finished up to z already right?" He was stunned. Speechless. And you quickly sat down and corrected his grip, but left him to start the lesson. And you blurted just before you leave him, "i want to see you after the first lesson."

So you are the teacher. And I'm the boy. You may think you empathise my anxiety. But you definitely do not understand. Whatever you tried to do after the devastating comments, just failed to convince this boy. He has changed his first impression of you. For all you know, he already formed the opinion that you are a hypocrite, you are fake, and you have clearly judged him.

That sentence or remark that you made, was the second wave of tsunami that hit my beach, wiped out the whole beach front. So I am now bare and naked, and I have no idea how to reconcile this damage. The tsunami may be just a 1m high wave from where you see it - the ocean; but it is 5m high on my beach.

I know. This negativity may just be a phase, some people termed it as "adapting" while others preferred to use the word "cope". In any case, yes, with time and practice and familiarity and rapport, things will seem to get better. The atmosphere in that classroom is no longer strange to that boy.

But the whole point is, you have created the adaptation by negativity. In a boy whose lifestyle before school was cow and corn and river and sun, this approach is not welcomed at all.

Perhaps.

For all that matters now, 15 minutes after I started writing this blog, it doesn't matter anymore now anyways.

And therefore. This piece of blog is an absolute pointless venting. But on my part, I've helped putting out some fire that destroyed my kitchen, before the fire burn the house.

-the end-

On the Star Shining

2015-06-09T23:15:00.001+08:00

So many has happened since the beginning of 2015. Nothing seemed to be working out right.

To put in an analogy, I felt my right arm twisted, and smashed my left on the door, tripped and fell forward, face down onto a puddle of mud; after I was speared through my heart, through and through.

But finally, after I fell, someone dear shone a light onto me. And I felt relieved for the first time, after a long time..

On the Insight of Shit: Part 1 - the whole idea

2015-06-08T19:09:00.001+08:00

Read this with an open mind. I have tried my best dissecting this to the simplest, most basic "founding blocks" of a "building".

I do not guarantee you would be bothered by the thinking on it or around it after you read this, but I can be quite certain, a lot of you would have this "What the heck is this idiotic goon talking about?"
Cheers to a good week ahead!

我今天得到了一个见解! I found my insight today! On 💩💩💩.

1) As human, we all eat to live. The action of eating, must produce the action of shitting. And the action of shitting differs from people to people. This ACTION is called 大便, or 噢屎, or "pang sai", or "Buang air besar", or "bowel openings", or "defecate".

2) Thus, the ACTION of defecation produces FECES 💩.

3) But. What happens when this ACTION is more than that persons' normal frequency, ie 大便大便大便大便? It's called "Diarrhoea"! 😃
(But of course, I have not explored enough on "Diarrhoea", which I definitely will, when I 大便)

Now. More insights.

4) Usually, we know we are going to go through this ACTION when we experience the URGE 😖

But:

5) When the URGEs become abnormal, ie. When it continues on WITHOUT the ACTION of "大便" or the PRODUCE of "💩", it becomes ABNORMAL. And this is called "TENESMUS"

6) "TENESMUS" is a word to describe these abnormal urges, it's also a phenomena in some way, caused by more than 1 possible factors, concurrently or individually. One of the common cause is "CONSTIPATION" - which produces the same 'outcome' felt from "TENESMUS", ie the 😖.

Then you ask: What sets "CONSTIPATION" apart from "TENESMUS"?

CONSTIPATION is as one of the causes to "TENESMUS".

But, unfortunately so far no one actually specifically pointed any reasons/causes to "CONSTIPATION".

SO, with the understanding of the insights above, here comes my ultimate proposals:-
1 - 🍔 --(pass thru 🎅)-->💩
2 - Immediately before 🍔 comes out from 🎅 as 💩, this 🎅 will fell 😖.
3 - But when 🎅 experience 😖😖😖 without output of 💩, he has "TENESMUS" <- The collective word to group the phenomena.
4 - Although most of the time caused by "CONSTIPATION", it is possible that🎅 actually does NOT have it!

So, the conclusion I derive from all these is that...
If 🎅 always 😖😖😖 and no 💩, he can either be "EXPERIENCING" this 😖 due to "CONSTIPATION" or "TENESMUS"; but that does not necessarily means he has "CONSTIPATION" entirely.

Note: This conclusion is only confined to human beings, under this context, and not to be applied any any other contexts.

BUFFET DINNER FOR SALE!

2015-06-04T13:24:00.001+08:00

THIS TRANSACTION IS COMPLETED

I have 4 vouchers for grabs!

"International Buffet Dinner" for RM 40 each!

The Sunflower Brasserie,
The Royal Bintang Kuala Lumpur.

Only to be redeemed 13/6/2015 and 20/6/2015. (Saturday only, not valid on public holiday)

Please leave your contact in reply function. I will get back to you in 2 hours and clear your contact for privacy reason if that is a concern.

*dinner worth RM84 per pax
** 2 days booking in advance needed
*** dinner from 7 to 10 pm
**** HALAL

On the Vulgarity

2015-05-28T02:52:00.001+08:00

And he was once a female.

Choose the most appopriate statement:
1. Shame on you men! You don't even look half as HOT as he is!

2. Sigh. Embarassing. Why aren't we all as sexy as he is?

3. Holy crap! How can it be? He was a woman! This is so unfair!

4. Wow! He shall be my idol! If he can do it, so can I!

5. It's all Leonardo Da Vinci's fault! What perfect man and golden ratio shit? And now we live in a world with mentality based on that theory. So what if I have tummy and I am fat? I am human too! Oh wait, who even come out with the adjective "fat"? Arghhh!

6. Hot dude! Oh well, good for him. I don't care.

7. *smiles* (turn away and do your own things or back to what you were doing)

Image courtesy: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/02/24/2602FBFA00000578-0-image-a-57_1424749301684.jpg

On the Aching Heart

2015-05-28T02:32:00.001+08:00

Have you ever felt this dull ache on the center of your chest? It's as if something heavy is pressing on you. Actually i wouldnt even call it pain. It's as if you are wearing a shirt so tight, your ribs are not expanding right. You can't breathe easily and every breathes you take requires some effort. Your breathes are shorter than usual, and at times you take deep breathes. You can't sit still. You can't pace around. You snap easily. You're irritated at the tiniest thing. You swear at the other drivers for being slow. You find your lover's chatty a pain in the ear. You just want some space of your own.

And you recognize, you are stressed. Or anxious.

Anna Freud, daughter of Sigmund Freud, father of psychoanalysis, proposed that human is driven towards tension reduction to reduce feelings of anxiety - an aversive inner state that people seek to avoid or escape. I concur, whole-heartedly. It is only natural that human behave that way. My opinion is that, our mind would often find a way to overcome this form of unease - I mean anxiety, triggered by unpleasant surroundings or happenings, that may have not been what we would have expect to happen. Freud then further explained on what are defence mechanisms - our subconscious coping to these anxiety - in order to reduce tension. She classified anxiety into reality anxiety - physically present, real; neurotic anxiety -the unconscious fear that our primitive impulses to act in favor of pleasures; and moral anxiety - when our impulsiveness violate the social acceptance and expectations or cultural practices and beliefs.

Having said that, have you ever felt the anxiety of recognizing that you feel anxious and knowing clearly why (and I mean 3 seperate entities here: knowing that you feel anxious, why you feel anxious and anxious because you know you're anxious and know why you're anxious), and yet unable to find a viable solution to it and consciously trying to keep and ensure your sanity, that at the end of the day, you feel so tired physically, emotionally and psychologically?

When is this ever going to end? You ask.
Why is this happening? You ask again.

And you ask more.
What will happen?
Am I strong enough?
Is what I'm doing right?
Should I just give up?
Can I run away and hide?
Can I end my life?
Should I come clean and be honest?

And the worries continue. The tension continues. You are just containing it. But for how long? You don't know yourself.

Now back to the heart ache.
It is the physical manifestation of these queries and curiosity and tension - you know it.
And as it is physically not comfortable, you tried to think and repress the real problem by addressing the physical manifestation. But you know that it won't help with the discomfort because the illness and sickness and the root cause, occurs in the mind.

And so, you start to rationalise again. And ask the same questions all over again. To a point where you wonder, if you are going insane for being obsessively ruminating over this matter. And then you stop. Inhale deeply. Trying to find a solution again.

But.
You fail.
And the cycle continues.

So yeah..
I am "you" now.

On putting on the (gender - based) thinking cap

2015-05-20T22:28:00.001+08:00

So my colleague is doing some renovation to the new house her husband and herself just bought. And she's been super busy with the interior designer, cracking her head on the tiniest thing in the house. From normal tile vs marble tiles, to sinking basin vs fit in basin and even the cabinet in the living room! I'm amazed how a person would actually be so detailed in home deco.

What happened today at work...

Colleague: do u think this is better? Or this one? (Showed me the 2 designs she had on the pc screen)

Me: I don't think there's much difference. But perhaps you would want the second one.

Colleague: I think so too. Looks more modern...but why do you say so?

Me: As the potential housewife in the future... when you mop the floor... it's easier to have more space underneath the cabinet. You don't spoil it if it's made of wood.

Colleague: 鸡蛋糕。like that also you can think of.

Me: *grinning proudly*

On the Lego Movie

2015-05-18T06:48:00.001+08:00

Watched the movie one fine evening. I knew it was out for a while but only saw it on the cable TV last weekend.

My take on it?

We are all but just nothing.

What if we are just like Emmet? Just a toy or a figurine for the Big Guy?

Left me wonder... what's the purpose of living.

On the Gift from Boss

2015-05-10T20:30:00.001+08:00

So he came into the ward that morning, that day after we had lunch outing together, blowing off candles in conjunction of the birthday of the April babies, and someone mentioned it was my birthday...

Boss, "Oh happy birthday! Here's something for you."

Moi, "Why thank you!"

Colleague, "C'mon, seriously?"

Boss, "No seriously! I bumped into the drug rep on the way just now. So I asked for more. Here's one for everyone."

And so, everyone has a new pen that day...

Not taking it to the heart boss! ;-)

On the Chicken Clawing

2015-05-02T08:12:00.001+08:00

I realize my hands are turning into chicken claws by the day....

Was taking down notes during a class and cane home realising I hardly make out what I wrote!

On the New Toy

2015-04-30T17:58:00.001+08:00

No no, not the soft toy.... but that gadget he was looking at...

So far it has been good. And in any case, if Medie remembers, you shall be able to view some of the pictures taken on it during one of the trips down south! Wee!~~

On Turning 28

2015-04-23T18:04:00.001+08:00

So I have been on this earth for 28 years today.

Tasted sweet and oh so savoury yummies...

But definitely there were days where I'd rather not being born.

Nonetheless, here I am today.

And a special friend dropped bye hospital to give me this.

On the Coloured Thumbnail

2015-04-19T14:35:00.001+08:00

On the Return of the Medie

2015-04-16T07:14:00.001+08:00

I decide to start writing again.
I find it hard to cope with all these pent up emotions that I am almost exploding.

I see people who are depressed for the past 2 years. Sometimes situational. Acutely stressed out.

Sometimes I feel like giving them a slap and wanting them to wake up; sometimes I listened attentively to them, and try to offer my shoulder for them to cry on.

But when it happens to yourself or your loved ones... ... things took a different toll altogether.

And that means, I am stunned myself.

Frozen.

Mute and dumb.

Do I say something?
Do I walk away?
Do I burden myself more with my loved ones' problems while I'm struggling with my own?