Journey of Awareness

Tradition 1-4-10

2011-03-10T13:22:00.000-08:00

Tradition if the root of who we are, the link to our heritage that reminds us of who we are by reinforcing who we were. It is a source of structure and law. For many it is even more than law. It is their religion, guiding faith as it guides morality and society.

Marriage is one of the most followed traditions around. As children we are told that when we grow up we'll marry and have children. It is expected. We are told it is a commitment made between two people....for life. Knowing what I do today, this whole idea is absurd. How many people can truly grasp anything for life? People in prison, serving a life sentence, have explained that it took years coming to terms with that sentence, and that others never do. I wasn't thinking about a life sentence the day I was married. I loved the woman and was willing to share my life with her. That's it.

As tradition roots us, grounds us and gives us hope, so it also wreaks destruction and denies change. I would never pretend to understand another person well enough to demand that they change their traditions. But how foolish is it to hold to those ancient rituals and holy texts, scribbled on unreadable parchments, without regard for the changes that have taken place around us? The world is forever changing, moved by advancements in technology, the rise and fall of religions, even by the blending of our cultures. If the root of our perceptions, traditions, hold static, then we are doomed into destructive Dogma.

'Why' is a dangerous word. It challenges old comfortable ways. Forces people to explore new ideas or speculate on facts which run contrary to bound literal orthodoxy. It's funny how people are: They question all of their beliefs except for the ones that they really believe and those they never think to question. They hide behind doctrine and words recorded in ancient scrolls, refusing to look at the alternatives. I distrust a single, exclusionary dogma.

Why is marriage necessary for anyone? Why should people marry? Marriage is not solely a covenant between a man and a woman; all animals mate and produce their young. Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman on the one side and tradition on the other. People marry according to the law only to become upstanding members of the community. The one constant in all of society is that only those who obey the laws, traditions, rituals, and custom of marriage are responsible adults. To refuse marriage is to be irresponsible, a child, a criminal. Why?

Love is the only bond my lover and I need.

My Fellow Inmates 6-6-10

2011-03-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

My fellow inmates are tall and short, strong and weak, kind and cruel, intelligent or slow. They are funny, popular, reliable and miserable. They are lovers, story tellers, fathers and professionals. They are friends, enemies, compassionate, selfish and generous. Countless identities live inside of these walls: The murderer who killed and enjoyed the act, a friend whose heart was in the right place, and the rapists who worships the flesh of others. There are the children that never grew up, the child who's fears have never left him, and then there are the men we hope to become.

Just because we are in prison doesn't mean that we are bad people or any different than anyone else. Some of us had a rough life or just got caught where others did not. Some of us just needed a break, help and direction. Others are hopeless. All of us can still feel guilt and shame. We can still fall in love, try to do the right thing, and appreciate what the right thing is. We still carry the joys of life, the compassion and the love. We remember all of our fears and dreams. Equally, we carry the hatred and horrors of our existence. Some of us will be released only to do another unbelievably bad thing.

We are the sum of our lives, of who we were. We are who we are, but we're all more complicated than simply being good or bad. We've got people who are capable of doing things that you can't even imagine. These are the men that have problems with authority. Breaking rules to them is almost an end in itself; doesn't matter what the rule happens to be, the fact that it's a rule makes it fair game. It's a sort of independence of spirit, usually combined with an inflated self-esteem - or lack of - and a low opinion of the system and society in general.

Life would be so much more straight forward if all the deviant men were clearly marked one way and all the honest men marked another. Society would like for us to believe that some men are monsters - evil through and through. Men who are not right in the head, that suffer from illness and are unable to control what they do. This is societies way of trying to make sense of the world. It isn't true. Anyone could work next to another person for years and never see or hear anything to give them reason for concern. Until one day that persons not at work and your being questioned by the authorities.

Anyone is capable of a deviant act under the right circumstances. If the temptation is strong enough. Perhaps even you.

Dear Inner Child 9-8-10

2011-03-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

I have never written you or even thought about it. Seems to me that you know everything I do. Of course, just because you do doesn't mean we can talk about it. I guess I'll get to the point. We were left alone for most of our childhood. Having to look out for ourselves was a burden we were not equipped to handle. For many years we concentrated on making other people happy. We sought love, attention, recognition, and care. We had limited success and learned the following lessons: We couldn't make a person love us by being a selfless lover. Something we were still trying to do as an adult. We learned that when we threw around money, drugs, and other entertainment that everyone was our friend. But once all these things disappeared we were left standing alone. As you know there are many more. We'll discuss them later.
It's so easy to look back now and recognize the addictive/compulsive behaviors we were developing. The same behaviors that followed us into adulthood and eventually lead us to prison. So, what have we learned? We've learned that we are not alone. We will not find peace and contentment in the arms of a woman. There is more to life than success and money. It's ok to be comfortable with who we are and our beliefs. People are not equally right, just equally human. The world doesn't revolve around us and we can not control everything or everyone. Running away doesn't solve our problems. People will love us for who we are and not because of what we can give them. We've learned that every person is important. People matter, their feelings and their dreams and their efforts and just their very existence, it all matters.

We've come a long way, you and me. Remember that we need to continue living each and every day. There is happiness, joy, and beauty in living. There are things that we're just beginning to see, experience and learn. You'll never be alone again.

I love you,

Your Adult Self

How do I feel? 2010

2011-03-07T04:05:00.000-08:00

Other people felt, I didn't. I couldn't trust my feelings if I really had feelings. Maybe I was just pretending to have feelings. Something had broke during my childhood. I couldn't give up my feelings honestly and had consigned myself to a life of being trapped in the prison of my body, feeling something, but hearing corrupted versions emerge from my mouth.

I'd forgotten how to feel and wasn't happy. I believed there was something lacking, something missing from my life. I wasn't living at all. I was only interested in money and personal fulfillment. These were the driving forces behind me. I wanted things for myself. I wanted them quick and easy. I would blame everyone around me for my problems. I couldn't face the selfishness that had driven me into desperate situations. I made my own hell, in many ways, many times a day.

Sometimes I don't know if I should be here, in prison, or out with the people of the world. It's hard to take a step back and appreciate exactly what I'm doing here. You know, I look at myself, look at the people around me, and all I see are normal people with the same problems everybody has. I happen to believe people can change if they really want to. How can I worry about making money or looking for power after all of this? All my hardships are because of the choices I made. My mind is focused on the truly important things. What I need is the chance to show you my heart, to prove people can change. To show you love can surmount all obstacles. A chance is all I need.

The question is: How do I feel today? My head feels pretty much the same. I mean, I think the same way. I'm definitely still me. Which is good news for everyone who thought I'd walk out of here some born again monster. Here in my heart I feel amazing. I feel........I don't know. I feel right. Thats the best way to describe it. I feel optimistic about me, about what I could do. I feel as though I can be the person I've always wanted to be.

I am more fearful today than the day I entered prison. This is actually a good thing. For many years I hadn't been truly afraid of anything. I hadn't felt anything at all. I'd told myself that the failure to feel wasn't a bad thing. There were always things to do and see. I can now see how ridiculous I had been. I can see how deeply you felt for me. To be loved so much and not know it is astounding, and truly moving. Lets face it, when it came to emotion, I was damaged goods. I'm sorry I couldn't see it before now.

I first saw you sixteen years ago. It seems like a lifetime has passed by. I feel like I've know you forever. You've always had my best interest at heart. How do I repay such a profound investment? I feel the depth of our relationship: The easy familiarity, warmth and friendship. Does it hurt me to still love you? Not really. I've wrapped my head around the fact that we may never be together again. Almost seems like one of those tragic love stories. Hmm.....I suppose it is.

I accept that I have no control over anything but my actions. I dont' take anything for granted anymore. I used to go through life accepting everything that came my way. I didnt' get too excited because that was the way it was. You know that tingly feeling you get in the pit of your stomach? That feeling of excitement and anticipation and happiness. I get that all the time these days. Sometimes just looking at shit, like the way the sun hits the mountains, or looking up at the stars and feeling that there really is hope for me. I get excited when we're having a good conversation. The worlds falling a part and I'm sitting here thinking these are some of the best days of my life. What does that say about me?

Tattoos 6-25-10

2011-03-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

When I first came to prison I walked around with my head down, eyes fixed straight ahead, and shoulders bent forward. I deliberately avoided eye contact - that was too risky. The worst part was not knowing what was going on. My enforced inactivity - at night - had me pacing in my cell. After a couple of hours I'd go to my bunk, stretch out, and try to sleep. I couldn't. Thoughts spun through my head, brought on by my own inactivity, frustration and fear. The hours dragged by. I paced the cell when I got tired of laying down and lay down when I was tired of pacing. My cell consisted of two bunks, a desk, and the toilet/sink combo. It didn't take long to take everything in. I would sometimes inspect the bars of my cell just as a distraction.

Being quiet, unobtrusive, forcing yourself to stay distant, is a way of life in here. A protection. I live around men who fear competence. I didn't want to draw attention to myself. Occasionally I'd slip and say the wrong thing, or I'd let my true nature show. Some of those men didn't like this. Maybe they were paranoid and thought I'd take their place. Maybe not. If I've learned anything, it's this: Men hate what they fear.

People project what they want others to see, or at least they try to. Our perception of others is always distorted by our own prejudices, hopes and fears. Appearance versus reality. Sometimes we look at others and see ourselves. It was with this in mind that I decided to get prison tattoos.

Tattoos have become a rite of passage shared by millions of people. You have your clean cut teenagers, hard core drug users, suburban house wives, and prison inmates. Tattooing is a visual declaration of power and change. It's an announcement to the world: I am in control of my own flesh. I belong. The intoxicating feeling of control derived from physical pain and transformation has addicted millions - cosmetic surgery, body piercing, body building, bulimia, and transgendering. The human spirit craves mastery over its flesh and acceptance.

Friendship 2009

2011-03-05T12:51:00.000-08:00

Have you thought about the word 'friend' and the responsibilities such a label carries? Could a friend desert another? Would a friend watch another walk into a dangerous situation? What is the meaning of friendship? It seems such an obvious thing, friendship, but becomes so very complicated. Friendship means many different things to many different people. In some places, especially prison, friendship is born of mutual profit. While both parties are better off because of the union, friendship remains. Unfortunately, loyalty is a part of this union and as soon as one thinks he will gain more without the other, the friendship will end quickly. Most of those who have called me friend were only looking for the union and never gave their loyalty.

There is a fine line between friendship and parenting, and when that line is crossed, the result is often disastrous. A parent who strives to make a friend of their child sacrifices authority, and though that parent may be comfortable with surrendering the dominant position; the unintentional result will be to steal from that child the necessary guidance and sense of security a parent is supposed to give. On the opposite side, a friend who takes a role as a parent forgets the most important ingredient of friendship: Respect.

Respect is the guiding principle of friendship. Friends accept each others beliefs, with humility and respect. Friendship is a bond made of trust and respect. Its a common ground that fosters compassion and understanding. Haven't you ever noticed we choose our friends almost entirely on how closely there thinking matches our own? Everyone has their blind spots, the places where they're so sure of themselves that they see only their own rightness. It is our friends that keep us honest.

My father once said I'd be lucky if I ever had five people I could call friend. I didn't understand what he meant. Actually, I remember getting upset by his statement. I thought at the time he was insulting me. Heck, I had more friends than I could count. It has taken years, but I've finally figured out what he was trying to tell me.

Regret 2009

2011-03-04T05:06:00.000-08:00

My early days of incarceration were difficult. I'd lay awake at night, staring up into the darkness with thoughts running through my head. The self-doubt was the hardest of all to deal with. The thoughts, the doubts, the fears crowded my mind over and over and over; I'd run through the decisions I had made. Could I have done something different? Something what would have avoided this situation? If only I could blink my eyes and find that everything had been a bad dream.

I regret the life I took. The actions I've made that hurt and caused others pain. I regret the lack of feeling I have toward people and situations. If only I could flip a switch and feel what others feel, I believe I would. I regret the decisions I made that turned the lonliness I felt into a stem and a bottle. What I turned to was killing me. I took risks no man should take.

I enjoy analyzing most situations, examining and debating both sides of any question - sometimes at great length and sometimes just for a reaction. Today, I simply say what I see or believe - too freely at times - regrettably, people with devious minds see calculation in my honesty. Have I not explained myslef clearly or am I being misunderstood? Why would people think I'm bull shitting them or being insincere? How much have I changed? How much of what is inside me remains unchanged? I regret this self-doubt I feel that leads me to question myself and motives. Self-doubt is a disease and if it gets out of control it can, and usually does, become self-fulfilling.

Unitarian Universalists do not have much room for guilt or regret, at least not for beating up ourselves, but if it serves as a catalyst for insight and a motivator for change, then it can have value for us. Insight plus feelings equals change. I believe I'm headed in the right direction. One day at a time is how I will turn it around.

'Gods Will' 2009

2011-03-03T09:08:00.000-08:00

More carnage and death has been visited on the world in the name of religion than nearly any other single concept. The massacres of the Christian Crusades, the 'Convert or Die' of Islam, the Ku Klux Klan, and 'The Troubles' in northern Ireland. Blood and hate are the province of man, not God.

The amount of people in prison that believe 'Gods Will' brought them here disturbers me. They've embraced the good without embracing the bad, using religion or spirituality as an escape rather than a means of healing. Unfortunately, what they end up with is an immature version of life that is intolerant and falls apart when confronted with challenging circumstances. They've forgotten about the freedom of will. Freedom to learn on their own, to make their own choices.

'Gods Will' implies that we are or were destined to do something. It dictates to us, we have no choice in the matter. It robs us of our freedom of will. Once this way of thinking takes hold, we act, consciously or unconsciously, without regard for our actions. Believing all occurrences are 'Gods Will' is merely a way of denying our responsibility, in favor of embracing any whim that strikes our fancy.

My mother prayed for me, prayed to God that I would not go to prison. Accepting the possibility that I deserved to be sent here wasn't an option. She now insists, regardless of what she wanted, God had his own plan. It was 'Gods Will' that I go to prison. I can't and won't support this way of thinking. God didn't tell me to get drunk, drive recklessly, and then point out the car that I would crash into. I'm in prison because of my choices. I exercised 'Free Will', and only I am responsible for those choices.

Commitment 2009

2011-03-02T05:43:00.000-08:00

My need to control lead to a fear of change, suppression of new ideas and an intolerance of anything different. My ambition lead to a determination of becoming successful at all costs. My desires became obsessions that lead to greed, lust and jealousy. I was racing through life: Creating, changing, altering, and destroying. Always to the extreme. I needed to exert my control, ambition and desires. I had the choice of beneficial or detrimental ways. I chose wrong.

A commitment, once made, becomes a responsibility. Most everything we do involves a commitment of some kind. Commitment to a team, employer, spouse, and ourselves. The last is probably the most important of all. I never looked at commitment this way. The majority of commitments I've made were without realization of what I was committing to.

Marriage is one of the biggest commitments a person can make. It is a commitment for life. How many people can truly grasp anything for life? People in prison, serving a life sentence, have told me it took them years coming to terms with their sentence. Some never do. The day I was married, I wasn't thinking in terms of life. I didn't even try. I loved the woman, wanted to share my life with her and wanted her to be the mother of my children. That woman is no longer my wife but we still share a commitment. Our commitment isn't what it started out as - it has changed - but it's still a commitment for life.

A commitment I've made since coming to prison: To develop and use my emotions while transforming my mind and heart from self-centerdness to self-improvement and the necessity to be responsible.

Humanism & Responsibility 2009

2011-03-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

We seem set on destroying forests, poisoning our waters, polluting the air, and raping the land. We didn't think that the world could be killed just as any living creature. We believed we were dominant over nature. We are not. We are stewards and trustees. It is the responsibility of human kind to preserve and sustain the world. The future of this planet and indeed the planet itself depends on it.

We are ingenious and inventive. Our ability to think critically and constructively has made our artistic achievements and medical and technological advances possible. But we've destroyed so much in the process. New York City: A great city, full of wonder, full of interesting items, things of our inventiveness. Unfortunately, the ocean surrounding New York is poisoned by our refuse and sewage. The air itself is polluted with our excretions, by the effluents of our manufacturing, by the out pouring of our furnaces. We didn't consider the long term consequences of our achievements and advancements. We were too occupied satisfying our reckless appetites. Too busy breeding. We were only interested in the gratification of our current desires, no matter where it lead. We became so trapped within our immediate needs that we didn't look ahead to the future.

We've waged war, pursued endless pleasure, sought dominance, power and glory. All has been achieved and all has turned to dust in our hands. Civil unrest over the wealth and resources with so many suffering at home has lead to violence. Military groups have taken a hodge podge of economical, political and racial grievences to their court of war and destruction. While those new up and coming - polorizing and charismatic - leaders continue to unravel the social fabric.

The destruction of the world depends on the willingness of the people in it to harm each other in ways necessary to achieve their own ends and to further their own causes. We need to set aside our power and ambition. We have to take responsibility and recognize the consequences of our actions. Only then will we understand that we must change. And even then, we may not have the fortitude to do so.

Assertiveness #2 2009

2011-02-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

Most of my life has been spent in silence. Meaning, I was the quiet person. I didn't talk with people or voice thoughts and opinions. Conversations with me were mostly one way. You talked, I listened. I was numb after........after what happened in Haiti. I couldn't think. I didn't want to think. I moved, I talked, but I didn't feel. I knew what I had done and couldn't speak of it, couldn't admit it. I couldn't. To show any weakness would give someone an advantage over me. I kept the truth from my family. If I seemed cold and unfeeling, it was because that was how I survived.

The majority of people in prison do not know how to have a conversation. It is especially difficult for them to accept compliments and listen to critisim. They become uncomfortable when hearing about anothers problems and usually respond with a wise crack. This leads to hurt feelings and possible bloodshed. Most conversations remain superficial for this reason. And when someone is assertive people see him as arrogant and controlling. He's misunderstood. It's no wonder only a handful of people actually change in prison.

Much has changed for me. I've learned to value other people, to respect them for who they are, even when they're not thinking as I do. I understand and am comfortable with myself. I know my limits, I know my strengths. I have learned how to communicate......properly. I am no longer afraid of what people will think or how they'll react to what I say. I no longer feel compelled to stuff my feelings.

To sit here every week and be assertive with you all feels wonderful.

Responsibility 2009

2011-02-27T06:15:00.000-08:00

To survive in most areas of prison you must first understand that everyone lies, everyone cheats, and no one is your friend. The paradox is that not everyone lies, not everyone cheats, and some people can be friends. The problem lies in the fact that one smiling face and hand shake looks much like another, and when your surrounded by consummate liars, how do you tell the truth from the lie, friend from enemy? You can't. You can treat everyone professionally, pleasantly, smile, and be friendly. Beware those who speak negatively of kindness and self-discipline. Be wise in choosing your friends. Above all, be true to yourself. Most people can not grasp this concept.

There are two kinds of people in prison. Those who live in the past and those who look to the future. The past can teach us, from experience, how to accomplish things, and comfort us with cherished memories. But, to live in the past is to embrace what is dead, it has already happened. The future is a mystery. We can not prepare for all possibilities, that isn't possible. All things reveal themselves in time. I believe - now - that all our actions, everything we think, take place only in this moment. So it is with each of us. All our will and ability to change rests in this moment. Right now. We can change our future and repair our past if we will only decide to change our behaviour right now.

Change - True Change - comes from within. It is motivated, inspired, or invoked in others but never enforced. Each of us has a responsibility to change. If you do not strive to be better than what you are, you live without a purpose. What is the point of if not to improve it for yourself and others? My change transformed a shallow life of fear, greed, hedonism, and materialism to a meaningful life of love and caring, gratitude and generosity, fairness and equity, joy and hope, and a profound respect for others. I've taken my responsibility to change seriously.

The transformation has been wonderful.

Tolerance 2009

2011-02-26T02:46:00.000-08:00

Much of what we think represents what we learned from parents, teachers, and society in general. As we age we will change our beliefs according to our observations and experiences. In return, those beliefs will shape who we eventually become. It is essential to be open to new ideas, values, and ways of thinking and acting. The more we develop our self-understanding and ability to think critically, the less our behaviors result from unreflected reaction. We can transcend our social programming.

Human beings spend so much time and energy worrying about skin color, religion, sexual orientation, and other issues that do not warrant the attention. I mean come on! If your gay, I'm happy for you. If you weren't responsible enough to use protection and want to get an abortion, go get one. After all, it is your body and you've already proven you can't take care of yourself. I can't imagine what you'd do with a child. If your a man and want to be a woman.......OK, I don't understand this, but I don't have to. If you want to believe in a supernatural being and call it God, Devil, or Buddha; who am I to say you can't? All the nonsense these issues attract needs to stop. We have more important things to worry about. Today's world is a miserable place. The new depression is at an all time high. Stocks are falling, jobs are being lost, and consumer consumption is in a corporate death spiral. Financial institutions have under reacted. The government is over reacting. Society is living on borrowed time paid for with borrowed dollars.

I had my favorite class in High School. We discussed reproductive choice, anti-poverty programs, the feminist movement, gay rights, and sexual education. I found myself surrounded by narrow-minded people and those too afraid to express their true feelings and opinions. My senior class voted me the most liberal. Calling me a humanist would of been closer to the truth.

In the words of the third Humanis Manifesto, Ethical values derived from human need and interest as tested by experience. Humanists ground values in human welfare shaped by human circumstances, interests and concerns. We are committed to treating each person as having inherent worth and dignity and to making informed choices in a context of freedom consonant with responsibility.

Patience II 2009

2011-02-25T13:27:00.000-08:00

We as a society have become weak. We shy away from the truth because it is laced with our short comings. We would rather be lied to than hear the truth. The presidential election is just one example. Two candidates, one says 'no new taxes', and the other says he will raise taxes. You already know who's going to win. We ask the candidates to promise us new bills, laws, and programs. All for the benefit of the American people, so they do. Of course, we don't want to pay for all these new things, so we ask them to promise us 'no new taxes', and they do. In the end 'we the people' will elect the best, the most manipulative, the most convincing liar. The irony is we'll persecute this person for his entire term. We'll do this because he can't fulfill the promises made, and we were lied to. I have patience with these liars. I have patience because we as a society have created this circus we call a government. Someday a candidate will tell us the truth. I hope when that day comes the American people are brave enough to make the right decision.

I am patient with those who refuse to look at alternatives; those who hide behind doctrine and words recorded in ancient scrolls. I have patience with people who hear what they want and not what was said. I have patience with people who would put words in my mouth. I have patience with people who do not understand or misunderstand me. I have patience with people who don't think as I do. Today, I find it is better to work my way completely through an idea before I act upon it. It avoids a great deal of aggravation later on.

Prison has put my patience to the test. I've tried to rein in my impatience, not begrudge my inactivity, and to value this time for it's own sake. I have been partially successful. I still have days when it feels as if I'm standing still and have to remind myself to be patient; to forget about what I can't do and concentrate on what I can.

I Am Grateful 2009

2011-02-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

On October 16, 2006 I ran my vehicle into another at 98 miles per hour. The car I hit went into the ditch, hit a stone wall, and rolled over coming to rest against a tree. The family in that car was headed home after a day of school and work. The family I came close to killing survived. I am grateful.

I have a woman in my life who loves me, who is very interested in my well being. She is the mother of my children and understands the importance of a father. She's kept the children available and hasn't tried to replace me. She is smart and capable. She hasn't given up on me despite everything I've done wrong. The wonderful woman is still my friend. I am grateful.

I have smart, healthy children that love me and call me dad. They look forward to the day I come home. I have the opportunity to share my knowledge and experiences with them. I have the chance to be the father my children deserve. I am grateful.

What was the best thing that ever happened to you? Everyone asked this question will have a different answer. Some would say; I met the woman or man of my dreams. Others might say something about children, a job, or an opportunity that came along. My answer is Prison. Prison is the best thing that has happened to me. I've been given time alone to think, and in doing so; I realised I had to stop worrying about what other people thought, and start discovering what it was I thought and felt. Prison has provided a drug and alcohol free environment. This has been longest periods in my life I can remember being sober. I have a clear mind. My thoughts are my own. My memories are returning. I walked into prison a confused, angry, defiant, and stubborn man. A better man, a healthy man will walk out of prison. I am grateful.

Jealousy and Doubt 2009

2011-02-23T05:41:00.000-08:00

I always listened more than I talked and felt lonely for it. I fell into the trap of pretending to prefer being alone, thus leading to further loneliness in a vicious circle of solitude that I built for myself. It is important to remember this.

You had given me no reason to doubt what you said. I enjoyed taking you out. I felt safe - comfortable - even when men would show you attention. There was no jealousy in me because I knew it meant nothing to you, so it meant nothing to me. Of course, I also believed that if you left me for another, I'd just find someone else. That belief was my way of protecting and preparing myself for the day you would leave. I never understood what you saw in me.

No man wants to admit he is jealous of another. I would like to say the following: "Joe, I have known her longer. True, you have been inside the circle of her arms, tasted her mouth, felt the warmth of her, but there is a part of her that is only for me. You cannot touch it, no matter how hard you might try. And after she has left you I will still be here. I will be here long after she has forgotten your name." The reality is I am jealous of Joe. I'm resentful and envious of the time he spends with our children. Sometimes I feel as though he's trying to replace me. I am jealous and resentful Joe is touching you in ways I thought no other man would. And yet, I remain casual and polite when he is spoken of. Why? Because I brought this upon myself. One more consequence of my actions.

I know you still love me. We always talked about our futures being woven together, for better or worse, but I wonder if something in you will always associate all the badness we've gone through every time you see me. Our relationship wasn't all wrong. We did have some wonderful and precious times. I wonder if you need to be free of me and seal up everything that has happened between us, like an old nightmare. I wonder sometimes if I need to be free of you to start with a clean slate. I suppose we both have mixed feelings for each other.

You've been my friend, my love, my protector, my healer, and my guide. You will always hold a very special place in my heart.

Love 2009

2011-02-22T06:12:00.000-08:00

Love, whether it's friendship or more, is a sharing - of joy, pain, laughter and tears. There are many variations of love: Love of a parent, Love of a city or nation, Love of life, and Love of people. All different, all Love. Sometimes it's not the light in a person that you fall in love with, but the dark. Sometimes it's not the optimist you need, but a pessimist to walk beside you. Sometimes we want love so much, we're not choosy about who we love. We allow ourselves to be over powered and imprisoned by our own hearts and emotions. Other times we make love such a pure and honest thing, no one could ever live up to our expectations. But for the most part, Love is a choice you can live with, a recognition, an opportunity to say, 'There's something about you I cherish'.

I once believed that love would heal all my old wounds. That was true and a lie. Love is real and false, even true love. Because love alone cannot keep you safe if there's still a trembling fear inside you. Still a knowledge of what it was like to love and believe in people only to have it all slip away.

There have only been a few people that I have really loved. My parents and sister, and that was a love of a different kind. What I feel for you goes far beyond anything manageable. When I first saw you, you were striking and with the arresting qualities of self-confidence and self-reliance, you were stunning. Your beautiful in a way that transcends anything I have ever known. But my attraction to you is a response to so much more. To the playfulness in your smile and blush in your cheeks. To your way of speaking and the way you carry yourself. To the way you look at me.

In all ways, I am captivated.

Waiting 09

2011-02-21T06:00:00.000-08:00

There is no good story that doesn't touch upon the truth. Actually, all stories are true more or less, but you have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way. Too much truth confuses the facts. Too much honesty makes you sound insincere. It falls on the reader to separate the truth from the lies. And remember, even in the lies, there are truths revealed.

I have a face that never shows anything - fear, elation, happiness, or anger. I have been hardened by the pain and suffering I've witnessed and by the sense of loneliness I constantly felt. I have a face that could watch a man die as coolly as another might watch a man eat dinner. And yet, if you look carefully, there are traces almost like scars of emotion that have cut deep into my appearance. This is because I'm a fraud. I can pretend to be cold as ice and hard as rock, but underneath I've the same emotions as everyone else.

When we are children we seldom think of the future. That innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we worry about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind. What follow is the day I walked away from mine.

I was waiting for my punishment. It was a moment that almost broke me. Tears of fear, frustration, and anger welled up in my eyes. I waited with a patience that had been beat into me. As I was waiting this thought came to me: that not only was I not happy, but for most of my life, save only a few moments, I had never been happy. Other people were happy. Why wasn't I?

I realised, kneeling in that corner, waiting for a punishment that would never come, that I had to take control of my life. My fear and nervousness in which I'd lived with dried up and blew away. I locked up my emotions. I would become numb to my emotions and feelings. I would not love, never pity, or show compassion. I'll admit that compassion may have reflected in my eyes, but it was a luxury in which I could not afford to indulge.

Even at a young age I had the knowledge necessary to manipulate people and situations. I understood that in order to manipulate a person, I must understand them first. If I could see and understand a person for what they truly were - in every aspect - I'd have control over them.

Life consists of many life changing events. Kneeling in a corner, waiting for a punishment that would never come, was just one of mine.

Family 09

2011-02-20T05:25:00.000-08:00

I've been asked to write something about 'Family' and I'm not sure how to go about this. I'm at a loss. I should start by saying, I left my family. I know I walked out on them. They didn't walk out on me. I walked out on them. To fully appreciate where I'm coming from you need to know that I'm sitting in a men's prison. I have been using my time to reflect and grow strong again - mentally, emotionally, and physically. It makes my heartache when I think of all the opportunities lost, all the things that could have been and never will be.

I've thought about all the times I told my wife and children to leave me alone, to go away, or just ignored them. All they wanted was to spend time with me. To be close to me. To be shown some sort of love and affection. I wonder how I could of been so blind. I was ignorant to what was right in front of my eyes. I was taking care of business, but not the business that mattered. I was too busy running from myself to do that.

Being part of a family means you've assumed responsibility for each other, making sure that your looking out for one another. I though by living under the same roof, providing food and clothing, I was doing my part. I was wrong. A house is a home if the people who live in it have memories and love and a place in the world. Otherwise, it is just a house, a shelter and it will never be anything more.

A family is a group of people that live together, growing, and sharing their lives and experiences. I believe the purpose is to make each generation a little bit better than the one before: Stronger, perhaps, or wiser; richer, or more capable. The task of a parent is managing one of these. The best and most fortunate manage more than one.

I could say that I want my family back, but in my heart I know I never lost it. They're waiting to see what I do. Even your family can be alienated by discoveries they were not prepared for. I don't know what the future holds, but I will not walk out on my family again. I'll be there for them, whether I'm just down the hall, on the other end of a phone, or across town.

Men do things they later regret. Only a few are given the opportunity to make amends. I hope to be one of those few.

A Rant on Reality / Early 2009

2011-02-19T12:34:00.000-08:00

We are a world full of angry, depressed people. Parents beating and torturing their children. Young boys and girls killing each other. Teachers and Priests taking advantage of their position to do awful things. It is the little failures of behaviour that lead to bigger ones. We are not content to ignore the discourtesies of others; discourtesies must be repaid in kind. If one man proclaims that God has spoken to him, another quickly proclaims that his God is false, or he's crazy. If the homeless cannot find shelter, then surely they are to blame for their condition. If the poor do not have jobs, then surely it is because they are lazy.

We are intolerant and judgemental. We abandon our old and shun the sick. We commit acts of unfaithfulness, betrayal, and depravity everyday. We drive our cars as if they were weapons. We us our family and our friends as if their love and trust were expendable and meaningless. We think of ourselves first and others second. We lie, cheat, and steal in little ways justifying it by telling ourselves that others do it, so it doesn't matter if we do it too. We know how to hurt each other and embrace the excuses necessary to justify it. We're victim and executioners both.

Each small incident of anger, bitterness, pettiness, and greed breeds others. This madness is of our own making, and yet, we are powerless against it. We refuse to acknowledge it's source. We remain bent on destroying ourselves. We have much to celebrate, but we live in fear and doubt. We are pessimistic about our own lives and the lives of our children. We trust almost no one. We are at war with ourselves and do not understand the nature of the battle being fought.

We have managed to find ways of ignoring what is troubling us.

As the old saying goes, "Out of sight, Out of mind."

Anger 3/16/08

2011-02-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

I've seen the effects sexual abuse has on a person; witnesses physical, emotional, and drug abuse. Am I angry? I am a victim of physical and emotional abuse. Am I angry? I've lost my marriage, my job, and all of my possessions. It is impossible to be the father my children so desperately need. Am I angry? Yeah I'm Angry!!

I'm angry because at the age of nine I has hauling pig guts across a field with my bare hands. I remember the feel of intestines sliding through my fingers and if I close my eyes, I swear, I can smell that metallic smell of blood mixed with shit.

I'm angry because I had to shoot a man in the chest and then watch his blood drip onto the ground like the slow leak of a water balloon. What makes it worse, isn't the fact I did it, but I did it and don't feel anything. Emotionally, I feel nothing. Death means nothing. Last year the counselor called me down and told me my Grandmother had died. You know what I said? I said "OK" and then went back to my block

I'm angry because I think about wrapping my hands around someones throat and squeezing until they piss and shit themselves. I'm angry because no matter how hard I've tried, I don't respect people and see them only as a tool for me to use.

I've been asked what I see when I look in the mirror. I've always given the, Oh I don't know, this or that answer. What I should be saying is, I see a monster. I look into my eyes and see a monster looking back. He's in there and he's pissed.

I know about control, patience, and tolerance. I fight with these everyday. Everyday could be the day I stop fighting and it scares the shit out of me.

Violence 2/09

2011-02-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

Anger is a destructive emotion, more so than any other. Anger dulls the consciousness. It destroys the capacity for rational thought and judgement. Anger sets you upon a path that cannot easily be broken free of, even if common sense dictates another course. We must let go of our anger. Notice I did not say forget. Never forget. We, each of us, are a composite of our experiences, good and bad, and to release any experience from our thoughts would diminish who we are. Do not forget. Do not dull the images. And do not let those images inspire self-destruction.

I grew up around angry people and witnesses many violent acts. Violence was the way they dealt with their anger. There was my childhood neighbor that would throw his cat from the third story balcony over and over again. Later that week, he'd fall out of the tree we were climbing. Only he and I knew that he was pushed. I pushed him. At the time I was thinking he should of been the cat.

I am now in prison and see violence everyday. Not long ago, I was the intended target. Those who could had crowded into my cell, intent on violence, found me sitting at my desk with only one shoe on. My reaction wasn't what was expected and they seemed very foolish having to look among themselves for a leader, someone to re-kindle their flame of rage.

That day ended the way I wanted because I wasn't going to waste my energy on them. I've learned to shrug things off. I'm very good at it. Hitting someone in the face might make me feel better, but it wouldn't make me any better than those foolish people who entered my cell. I'm not that simple minded.

As long as I know who I am it doesn't matter what people think about me. Laughing, even privately, at the simple minded youth surrounding me, is much more satisfying in the long run than rolling around in a cell with them, trying to knock out all their teeth. If nothing else, it is easier on my knuckles.

Test 12/8/08

2011-02-16T05:25:00.000-08:00

The Christmas party is today and I've been looking forward to it. Eight months have passed since I last saw my children. My heart is set on seeing them. At 3pm I call my ex-wife to make sure everything is on schedule with the trip. She answers the phone and tells someone that she'll make this quick. I think she's talking to the kids, but I'm wrong. She goes on to tell me that their not on the way, they're not coming.

Throughout the last year, I've allowed myself to open up. I'm learning how to embrace and enjoy the experiences of my long buried emotions. But right now none of that matters. I'm angry, hurt, and disappointed. I want someone to blame. I want to unleash these feelings on her. Why have I succeeded in doing what I promised myself I wouldn't? Why have I invested myself, my emotions in someone only to be let down......again? Why? Why? Why?! I'd rather have my bones broken than to feel this way.

She explains: The ice storm knocked out the power and she's been without it for two days. Several calls were made to the prison but no one answered, and she assumed the party was cancelled. I want to yell, but only manage to say, I would of called if it had been.

I'm told they all miss me and are disappointed. I can hear the emotions riding her voice and as angry as I want to be; I know in my heart this wasn't done to hurt me. I believe what she's telling me and go on to tell her it's not her fault. I understand. These are not empty words. I do mean what I tell her. I realize she had no control over this and I cannot blame her for it.

I'm thanked for being so understanding, but the sound of this bothers me. Her voice is laced with so much relief, It sounds like a mountain was just lifted off her shoulders. I realize it is that relief in her voice that bothers me. Were my past reactions always so terrible? The amount of relief in her voice suggest they were.

Mission Statement 10/01/08

2011-02-15T07:32:00.000-08:00

We come to group to share our stories of Self-Reflection.

Self-Reflection is a tool used to clarify and find honesty within ourselves. It is a way of throwing out the lies we tell ourselves and facing the truth, however painful it may be.

The things buried within us are dark and violent. They need to be exposed. No matter how dark and violent your thoughts are, the people around you have had the same or similar thoughts. You are not alone.

We come to group to learn from and observe others in our situation. We are not here to undo our crimes. No crime can be undone. They may be survived or healed, but not denied. We all have some self-hate - a destructive side, the side we struggle to keep locked up our entire lives - that is alive within us.

We come to group to admit our errors, to embrace them, and then move along in a more positive direction.

Demons, Bordom, and Change 7/22/10

2011-02-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

Change requires an act of will. It is a process, an argument neither beginning nor ending, but something else entirely. Change is the flow from moment to moment. It is times forgotten but vital sibling because without it, time cannot be measured. It is the very essence of cause and effect. Nothing happens without a reason. Our will supplies the reason and change does the rest.

I am surrounded by men merely marking time until a holiday, a visit, or their parole date. Men forever waiting for their lives to begin. Many men would like someone, something, to force them to change. A part of them want to change because of their current situation. In the end it will be up to them.

Each of us have our own demons. If we don't face them, we run the risk of being consumed - leaving behind a person so calloused that emotion has place in their heart. I kept mine in the deepest, darkest part of my being where no one was ever allowed. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, my demons escaped and changed the lives of everyone I had contact with.

There was a time I liked to believe that I was responsible for all the good things, but when the bad things happened, my finger pointed elsewhere. I was in a jail cell when I realized that I would not be free until my demons were dealt with. I had to look deep within myself and face them. Then and only then was I able to start making changes.

It took courage to look at the truth and admit what it was; courage to strive for something that was right even when it seemed impossible. Today, I understand the importance of living with honor, integrity, and respect. I want to help others. I want to be here. It's a privilege and isn't that exactly the way I should feel? After all, if I'm going to be confined to prison, I might as well act as if I'm enjoying myself. It took a measure of defiance, but once I was able to view living here as a blessing, it made changing that much easier.