journey on dark waters

Unsent Letter

2016-10-24T12:35:00.000+08:00

My Dearest,

Words are not enough for me to tell you how blessed I am to have you in my life. I wasn't suppose to let you in. I've been hurt so many times that I didn't want another pain to come in. Before I met you, someone tried to hurt me physically for the second time. Leaving me damaged in so many ways. I didn't want to come out of my house, I was traumatized enough to leave the house wearing a mask to hide myself from the world. Night after night I would cry myself to sleep, losing hope that no one would accept the scarred self that I am. I would lock myself inside the library until it closes and then I would go home unnoticed. But then you came. An answer to a prayer. I wasn't expecting on meeting you at all. I just randomly saw your photo on my brother's wall, and I totally forgot the next day who you were not until they reminded me constantly and until we became friends. When you were introduced to me and we got the chance to talk, I didn't want to entertain. I thought you would be another scar. But as the days went by, you helped me heal. I am not usually talkative but you reminded me how to smile again and made me regain hope that I lost. You made the effort in getting to know me. You could've left like the others, but you didn't. I asked you if you were scared or anxious about meeting the people in my life, my parents, the Church administration whom I also see my as my second family, you had the option not to continue this with me, and yet you answered me with: "anxious/scared, yes, but I am not hesitant. It's a blessing". And that's when I realized that this was something that God-willed. I am not perfect in many ways, I am still scarred from the last, and even I myself thought that God will not bless me with a good man, but He did. And it was God's way of telling the both of us, He wanted us both to be safe, away from the outside world.

I'm the type of person that can't stay mad at a friend or anyone for that matter longer than 2 days, the type that forgives and forgets very fast. I don't like holding grudges or hating on people. When everything comes falling down on my shoulders, I try to keep my head held high, smile whenever I can and think about the positive side of things. I tend to laugh about everything, even the smallest, stupidest things because in my world, laughter is the only way to escape from all my problems.

I am sorry if at times I may sound like I am being too annoying, but do know that when I call you time to time, it is because I care. I wonder how you are, since we are 4-5 hours away from each other and I don't see you. I message every now and then, because that's the only way I know how to show you how much I care. I pray for you and your family, because that's the only way I can let you feel how blessed I am to have you in my life. I cry, not for tears of sadness, but for happiness, knowing that I am blessed.

Do you still remember the day you asked me if I can eat the foods from where you grew up? Or that same day you started teaching me the language of my roots? It was like coming home. Meeting you and knowing you meant that I was home. And it made me feel safe. There are times I still question God if I deserve you, and I got answered with countless blessings, to me it meant that I did deserve you. From being called back to the choir to being asked to teach again. My parents would usually ignore or not give chances to those who were being introduced to me, but when they started asking for you and looking for you without me opening it up, to me it was a blessing as well. And them seeing you as a son-in-law made me feel blessed. I remember hearing them talk about you as I passed by their room. My parents laughing and putting our last names together, the happiness in their voice. And when people would start asking about me and if I'm seeing someone, they would start talking about you of how you had the courage to see them.

I know the future might be scary. We both still have obligations to face, and that doesn't really stand in the way, for I believe that blessings will pour forth. And knowing that I will be journeying life with you, makes it less scary. I am proud of you all the time. I know you're not perfect, but so am I. I would continue to be patient with you, even though we both have a lot of things to do and won't have time for each other. I won't count on you to always answer my messages or calls, nor would I count on you to message me back as often. We have come to an understanding that even though we don't get to talk to each other often, we are just there, supporting each other despite the many obligations we have. Caring for each other as how we know best. I don't expect you to be perfect. And if you regret even for a moment that you loved me, or cared for me... remember that I will regret it with you. Even if there are million reasons to leave, I choose to stay, for the very reason you stayed.

I'm sorry if I can't always be the perfect girl for you. I'm sorry if I can't be the prettiest or the smartest or even the best. I will try though. To me, you will always be the perfect man that God has blessed me with, the perfect man who could be anywhere in the world, but he chooses to be with me because, life is better with me by his side. I will make you smile, be your number one cheerleader. And if the world forgets you, ignores you or even hate you, I will be here. I won't forget you, nor ignore you or even hate. I will love you when the world doesn't. I'm sorry if I can't be there for you all the time, but, know this, I will be here, be your best friend when the world decides to turn its back on you. I will be there with hands reaching out. Like what Pablo Neruda quoted on his poem, Sonnet 17:

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other way"

I would rather be like Frank O'Hara, and have a coke with you no matter where we are in the world. Even if in the summer New York sun, the impressionists never gave justice to the paintings. Which is why I am telling you all about it, because I know it would never be wasted.

The words ay ayaten ka begins to have meaning to me... and I continue to pray that what God gave to us won't be lost and be wasted.

With love...

Live with the King: What's NOT to love about the New Nexus 6P?

2016-04-07T23:26:00.000+08:00

I've been to the tech stores lately and guess what?!

The new Nexus 6P just outsmarted most of the phones out on the market...

Here are a few great (did I just say great?!) reasons why you should love the New Nexus 6P:

1) It's a low-light loving, powerful camera! Need I say more? Other mobile phones, just like a DSLR would look for light just so that they can capture THAT special moment, but not the Nexus 6P.

2) It has a cool iconic hardware design, sexy, and chic. If you're conscious about the look, the Nexus 6P boasts a really nice body to boot :) And having the aluminum body gives it a more better grip when you touch the phone.

3) It has an ergonomic fingerprint ID that boasts a unique security feature for the Nexus 6P and a way to actually wake up your phone, pretty neat! The fingerprint ID will only respond to your fingerprint and it's easier to access too.

4) For an eargasmic experience, the front face speakers are the bomb!!! The Nexus 6P is really proud of its speaker-feature, since the sounds are so clear.

5) It's faster-than-ever! Graphics, gaming and all the other things that you probably complain about with the other phones for lag-much experience, well, the Nexus 6P has pretty much solved that. It's a nice change from the phones you must have used previously.

So pretty much, you might want to check out the Nexus 6P... I would get one myself, and I should say, you should too :)

Chicken Nuggets with Spinach Cream Cheese Sauce

2016-04-07T21:51:00.002+08:00

For those who want something masarap, masustansya at kayang-kaya, here's a healthy recipe for those who are watching their calories.

You will need the following:

Purefoods Crisp 'n Juicy Chicken Breast Nuggets Nuggets

Stalk of spinach

Tomato

Onion (white)

Garlic

Cream cheese (any brand)

All-purpose cream

Piknik

Here's how you do it:

1) Mince the garlic, dice the onion and tomato, then set aside

2) Chop the spinach into thin strips, set aside

3) Saute the onion first, and then the garlic, tomato in 1 tsp of butter, until onion becomes transparent

4) Add salt or flavor, then the spinach.

5) Add the all purpose cream, and bring to a simmer for 10 minutes

6) Melt the cream cheese in with the cream, and simmer for another 10 minutes, set the sauce aside

7) Fry the nuggets for about 8 minutes until golden brown

8) Serve and enjoy with the sauce!

Enjoy the dish either with bread, or rice :)

an open letter

2015-12-03T00:59:00.000+08:00

To my Stalker,

Yes you who are reading this post of mine. I still know you read my blog and you still take time to follow my posts on all the social media sites I have. You still take time to look in your phone and compose a message which I know you think twice before sending to me. Do us all a favor and just stop. Delete my number. Delete our numbers. Don't bother us anymore. You know who I'm talking about. Unfriend Alex Kang, unfriend all the Koreans you have on your friends list and all those you stalk. You are not doing anything good by continuing to do what you're not supposed to do. Don't you know that you're violating a law? Do us all a favor and delete us from your phonebook, stop stalking us and unfriend all the Koreans you added especially Alex. This is not a request this is an order. Do us all a favor and have yourself committed to a mental institution. You're doing more harm than good and it's not helping. Did you know you destroyed all of our lives? Yes you who are reading this right now. You know who you are. You destroyed our life. You made Dee commit herself to a mental hospital and was on medication for months. You almost destroyed Tin-tin. You ruined Nell's reputation and even Alex's. You destroyed my life and my relationship with my family and God. You call yourself a positivity advocate but you don't deserve that title. You destroy people and enjoy living in their pain. How could you? You can sleep at night knowing you have destroyed me and the life of others. Stop it just stop it. Turn yourself in to the police. You committed a crime of identity theft yet you pretend to be an innocent victim in front of your co-workers. You're a liar. A huge one. Unfriend Alex on Facebook and all those Koreans. You've ruined his life you know. We have reported you to the Korean embassy and police yet you continue to break the rules and stalk us and added Alex again. Stop it. Stop ruining our lives. Don't text us or message us anymore. I know you're reading this blog of mine and still check me out. Delete our numbers. I cannot imagine being friends with you anymore. You lied to me and deceived me for a year. Do you know how hurt I was and still am? You hurt me a lot. And I'm still picking up the pieces of the damage you caused. You got me and my family to fight. You got me to question God. You did not anticipate however the visions I had. It was Divine Intervention for me and I'm thankful God showed me who you really are. A monster. An animal. You're not a human being. You don't have a soul, or a conscience or a heart because you can stomach hurting me and the others. If you don't stop stalking me and the others and if you don't unfriend Alex and the rest of the Koreans you added, my lawyers and I will be forced to file a suit against you for harassment and moral damages. And trust me when I say that I will make sure you pay for everything you have done to all of us. Unfriend Alex Kang and all the Koreans you added, stop texting me and stop stalking us. Turn yourself in to the police and have yourself incarcerated. You have been ordered. If you have a conscience still do it please. and for your information I was never your love and I never loved you back. Because back then I thought I fell in love with a guy. I never fell in love with you, period. So stop having sickening illusions of you and me for it will never ever happen. I am awaiting God's will and blessings upon me and it never will include you so stop it. Get out of my life and our lives.

It's been a year...

2015-11-22T20:33:00.000+08:00

If I were to sum up what has happened to me in a year's time, I would say it had been an emotional roller coaster ride. Not only was it a test of faith on my part, but also of how I would deal with it psychologically. You can even say I was stupid enough to have made the mistake I made, to which I didn't have a choice at all. I'm known by most of my colleagues and friends not only as a law student but also as a professor in a university teaching Psychology and Constitution with Political Science. Both are subjects that deals with logic, science and has to be given a serious note as well. But that was questioned last year. I was having dreams I for one cannot explain myself. It was around April to May of 2014, the year of Centennial celebration to the congregation where I belong and my dad is a minister. It was a little boy, around two to three years old. He was sitting beside me in a worship service my dad was officiating. At first he was fidgeting and then he saw dad stood on the pulpit, he almost shouted, but just giggled: "Lolo!" He exclaimed with glee almost above a whisper. Then my mom turned to him and said with a firm but gentle tone: "Yes that's Lolo, now you behave now okay?" The little boy shushed and sat properly eagerly listening to my dad, his lolo. Right next to me was a lady, very familiar. And I could feel the warmth when she squeezed my hand.

Almost a month after, someone added me. I didn't know who it was. All I know was that we had a common friend whom I've met recently. This common friend of ours was a Road Manager for a local boy band who visited the TV station where I work as a web designer and web liaison officer. It started with an ice cream post on her wall and I commented on it and "liked" the post. After that this person added me. A few weeks after that I became friends with this person and we "clicked". It was like "fate" or what we call in Korean as 운명 (unmyeong). I thought at first it was too good to be true, this person was like an answered prayer. We clicked and our personalities were like almost the same, ideals and principles. Until he courted me online. I played along and "answered yes" to this person. But I felt something was off. Like something didn't match and didn't make sense. So I went along with it. He started by telling me he was a Medical Technology student at one of the prestigious universities in the country, and that he belonged to well-off Filipino-Chinese family. That he was doing his internship at a well-known hospital in one of the busiest cities in the country. I asked a friend of mine, if such person exists, so he kindly asked his friend who works at that hospital and told me that no one worked under that name. Which I found strange. Then he told me he was going to study abroad, as he was granted a scholarship to study in a known university in Germany. Again, I asked a friend of mine (who happens to treat me like a niece of hers), who works for the European Commission here in the Philippines. She emailed me saying that the name did not appear in the list of outgoing students for Erasmus Mundus, a scholarship program sponsored by the European Union. And she even told me that if this person is enrolled at that German university, the list would also be known to her, which also shows that he wasn't on the list. Now I was getting more infuriated by this. He was lying to me, I didn't let him know I had firsthand knowledge of these things. Until he kept on telling me that his auntie died and his mom was in despair and that he would meet me when he arrived. He even told me he was going to propose marriage to me after a year! Lies after lies after lies! I asked several friends of mine to check up on his parents' business, and records, and even his records. And there was no existing records at all! I even manage to befriend one of his "co-student" on campus and visited him at the hospital where he was doing his internship. Imagine to my surprise, when he told me they've never met at all and that it was impossible to leave the university in the middle of the semester to take up Masters as it is never allowed! Imagine my anger at everything! But I was able to find out that it was a girl who pretended to be this guy. Her reason? She wanted to find out if she's of the third sex or not (I have nothing against people who are lesbian, gay or bisexual as I have friends who are). But the process in which for her to find her identity had been painful as she had to hurt me to gain this. And she's still stalking me to this day. She feel she's still attached to me, but never really. To be honest, her hurting me still brings me tears to this day. A fear at some point I have to get rid of, including her. For I know she will never stop. She may read this post and I want her to know, that I hope it sinks into her brains and her veins that she has caused a lot of damage. Including a fight with my parents which still hurts me to this day. I never wanted to fight with them, but because of her, because of what she did, it still hurts. I had a fight with my siblings and I never wanted that to happen. I fought with God and questioned Him uncontrollably. For her, everything was a joke. A sick joke and sick game she concocted for her personal happiness and needs. She thinks that by being happy, everything is going to be okay, but it's not. She only wants her own personal happiness. She has left a scar. Every time I become friends with someone new, my family would question, because it might be her again playing a prank. I even almost lost my job and my credibility as a professor. The Dean of my college telling me: "You didn't use your being a law student and faculty! It was irresponsible of you!" She's not stopping until now, and she's still continuing to use the identity she stole from a Korean national, and even still adding people uncontrollably. I have tried my best by approaching the local authorities regarding her, but I believe, the ultimate justice system (which is Heaven and God) will do justice for me. I am hoping for the pain to end. And that justice will eventually be served. I can hope for her being imprisoned or what not, but there will be a better justice for her.

However, that is not really the focus of my post, although that happened to me for the past year. What really got to me was that despite all the lies and pretend from this person, I had several dreams which I can never explain at all, only God alone knows why. It started with that little boy, then during the time this person was lying to me I dreamed of a couple. A husband and wife, very warm who came to my house. It was around August of 2014. It was my first time seeing them in my dream, or in my life at all. The dream started with them talking with my parents, I can remember what they were wearing and where they were sitting, on the couch in our living room. And I can still remember the exact words the husband said: “We’re here for Awi, you’re daughter. We’re here to ask her hands in marriage on behalf of our son” (Andito kami para kay Awi, sa anak nyo. Andito kami para mamanhikan at hingin ang kamay nya para sa aming anak). To which my dad, sweetly replied: “Really? That’s the happiest news, sure, we’ll call her, Awi, come out, they’re here” (Ah talaga, yan ang pinakamasayang balita, tawagin namin siya, Awi, labas ka muna sa kwarto, andito na sila). I remember the smiles on their faces. On the months to follow, I continue dreaming about a little boy and a little girl who calls me mommy. Sometimes, there would be someone holding my hand and calling me “Mahal”, a sweet yet cool voice assuring me of a great future. The warmth of the hands, I can still feel in my hands until today. Then there was this dream I had inside the church where my dad always preach. It was after worship service and we were all gathered at the lobby. The little boy was running to and fro, and I was warning him by his name: “Elix, Jon Felix, stop running inside the Templo, look, your Amah is looking at you…” He continued to giggle and ran towards me and someone scooped him up and with a stern yet soft voice: “Oh no you’re not asking your mom to carry you Elix, you’re heavy,” and he carries him up and hold my hand. I was pregnant. I had dreams twice, where I was pregnant and I could feel the baby kicking in my tummy. And the same voice which calls me “Mahal” is there, holding my tummy and hugs me. Sometime around December, I dreamed of the husband from the couple, he gave me a father-daughter dance. The date was December 14,2014. It was a dream of my wedding. I can remember every single detail. From the moment my dad walked me down the aisle, until I exchanged vows with him. I can remember the hands, they were big, warm yet soft at the same time. I remember the feeling of the ring being inserted on my finger. Wedding reception came, and I saw a lot of faces, warm feeling and the feeling of being loved. Moment came, when the father-daughter dance came up. My father-in-law in my dream told me this: “Thank you for loving our son, and I thank God for bringing you into our lives. Welcome to the family our daughter, and I look forward to having you as a daughter-in-law”. The next day, on my mom’s birthday December 15, 2014, I dreamed that they visited me, the couple, and they congratulated us on our promotions, our blessings in life. My father-in-law even played with our kids and read them a story. The little boy was playful as always, he was playing with this pet dog we had and we were telling him to put it down to which he replied: “But it’s soft and cuddly…” with added giggles. My parents arrived with my mother-in-law and we enjoyed the night. Days after, I started asking God, who were they? And why? And if possible, can He bless me with someone else. I rushed to the Templo (the church nearest to me) to pray and beg. God, please let it be someone else. And His answer to me was, the taking of life of that person I asked for, on the 1^st day of January, 2 days after I asked (December 30, 2014). I fervently prayed on that same day, after the worship service. If He wills it, that the people I have been dreaming of, be my family to be, my parents-in-law to be, their son, be my husband-to-be, kindly show me who they are. I got my answer the next day, on my birthday, 2^nd of January 2015. First it was a photo which the impostor uploaded on his Facebook. I can recall their faces from my dream. It was them!!! And then seeing them actual in person where I celebrated my birthday. It was just a coincidence on that day when my mom decided that we go to this mall we have never gone to. They were still a mystery to me, because I don’t know who they were back then, no names, only the truth to my dream and answer from God, that they’re real people. Whom I can recall, as I haven’t met in my entire life at all. I thought, that by seeing them in person, I would stop dreaming about them. I was wrong. Over the next months, I would either dream of my “future mom” or “future dad”. She would be teaching me how to cook or she would be giving me advices. And my future dad, where we would have father-daughter talks and he would share some fatherly advice on life. I remember, one specific dream, where he gave a bath to the little boy, Elix. He wouldn’t want to take a bath after playing outside. Interestingly enough, that little boy along with his siblings, my kids, can speak different languages, including Korean, Spanish, Italian, English, Filipino and a dialect I wasn’t familiar at first. He was answering to us, refusing to take a bath: “Para que pa for me to ligo? Ayaw ko ti maligo mommy, daddy”. And then his Lolo came. He screamed: “Lolo dad esto aqui!” “Sino ayaw magtake ng bath niya? Sige ka, we won’t go to mall!” and they played in the bathroom. I also remember, my parents writing us a letter:

My Dearest Anak,

Welcome to the family! Thank you for loving Awi and understanding her when no one tried. Your mama and I believe that God will always be with you always. Treat each other with respect. I know life can be difficult anak, but your mama and I pray that God will bless you with a great and blessed married life. We love you both and again, welcome to the family!

Love Papa and Mama

I’ve met the owner of the photo and I know the names of the parents now. I am just continually praying that God continues to be kind to me and show me what I needed to see. His hands (the owner of the photo) are the same hands I felt that held my hand in my dreams. The voices of his parents are the same voices I have been hearing in my dreams, same tone and timber. I am just waiting for God’s love on us, this blessing. We have talked about it, and I have told him about this, and he finds it interesting. We both believe God made us meet for a reason… and we’re both thankful and waiting for God’s love on us.

There's a Place for Us

2015-04-02T21:14:00.002+08:00

This song touched my heart and keeps me hopeful for great things ahead... I keep in heart that faith and love indeed will keep us strong. I love the part which sang:

There's a place out there for us
More than just a prayer or anything you've ever dreamed of.
So when you feel like giving up
Cause you don't fit in down here
Fear is crashing in, close your eyes and take my hand yeah.

We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.
It's written in the stars that shine above
A world where you and I belong
Where faith and love will keep us strong
Exactly who we are is just enough
There's a place for us, there's a place for us.

Happy listening :) hope it inspires you the way it inspired me

Morning Wake Up Calls

2015-04-02T10:53:00.001+08:00

"Morning mommy!" Nicola kissed me on the right cheek.
I was still in bed, lounging for a couple of more minutes since I slept late last night ironing and cleaning up last minute stuffs.
"Mommy, daddy and I made you breakfast," added Nicola with this huge grin on her face.
"Good morning Mahal... Breakfast is served," it was my husband, holding out the tray full of goodies.
"A very morning to you too!" and I kissed them both. It's been our morning tradition to greet each other 'A Very Good morning', our way of greeting each other Good morning. As I slowly ate the toast and eggs, Nicola chimed, "Mommy, grandma and grandpa are coming today. With lolo dad and lola mom. Are we going somewhere special po?"
"I believe so sweet munchkin. Mahal, what time is it?" I asked.
"It's close to 8 am Mahal. We're going to attend a special worship service, a wedding later. We're included in the invite. Papa's officiating."
"That's right! Jamie Nicola, sweetie, go change and prepare. We have to hurry and leave," I smiled at her.
"Yes po mommy... Going!" and she ran all the way to her room giggling.
"I love our mornings..." my husband kisses me.

This was my dream yesterday and continued today. Looking forward to this mornings soon :) I know God has a plan why I have been seeing it.

A Walk Down God's Promise

2015-03-25T22:31:00.001+08:00

I am uploading a video of one of the weddings that I have attended. It continues to inspire me that God indeed has a promise for me and it also inspires me that things will turn out well for me and whom God has sent in my life... Hope this video inspires those who will come upon it the way it has inspired me. My dad told me to continue to pray and patiently await God's love and blessings... and so I do. :)

Justice: Fallen on Deaf Ears? Or Served?

2014-09-05T00:58:00.000+08:00

Like the millions of people around the globe, I too, watch countless courtroom dramas and TV shows that were inspired by many battles inside the courthouse. We even watch it on television, a woman begging for justice in front of the police officer, or even a lawyer defending a client who have forgotten his own identity and can make out fragments of his memory. But television has not prepared me for what really happens inside the four walls of a courtroom.

Part of my obligations as a student studying the laws of the land, one of the requisites I have to fulfill in partial requirement to the subject is to attend court hearings. Sessions that usually start as early as 8 in the morning and end around lunch time. Resuming again at two or even resetting for another time. When I walked into the halls of the Courts of Justice, I thought that today might be the same as all the hearings I have sat into before. But today was different. Even the prosecutor and the judge presiding was but happy to accommodate me in the room and have me observe the trial. It was my first full-length trial.

At first, it was just presentation of evidences, asking of questions, re-confirmation of testimonies last given, dates I cannot even fathom when given. But then came the hard part, asking the witness on the stand to painstakingly tell the court, how his brother died in front of his very eyes, and he cannot even do a thing about it. He recalled each detail. Each sound of the gun shot. The running of people, screaming. And the painful recollection of seeing his brother drop in front of his eyes after being hit with a bullet on the back of his head, his knees being shot in the front, buckling, then falling down dead. If that wasn't painful enough, the shooters and masterminds kicked him, spitted on him and cursed him, telling the victim that he deserved to die. Things that I thought I can only watch on Law and Order or CSI, I am actually hearing and seeing with my own eyes inside the four walls of the courtroom. The final, painful question I heard from the lawyer was: "If given the chance, to be given compensation for the loss of your brother, how much would you like to be compensated for Mr. Witness?" With tears in the witness' eyes, and a heart-wrenching answer: " I don't care about the money anymore sir, all I want is justice for the death of my brother.

Court session ends. Everyone is asked to rise. The judge leaves. My knees almost buckle as I walk out of the room. A lot of questions racing in my head. Would I be as confident as the lawyer, asking one painful question after another seeing as how the witness might break down and cry? No emotions can be seen from his eyes as he asked one question after another. And most importantly, will the courts have hearts, enough for justice to fall on deaf ears? Or will justice be eventually served?

Riding the MRT at rush hour. Worth it?

2014-07-01T13:14:00.000+08:00

For commuters who are always on the go, may it be on their way to work or just someplace else, you will always be stuck during the MRT rush hours. Admit it, you have been stuck in the middle or almost near the doors trying to squeeze in the little space as much as you can. For most, riding the MRT during rush hours can be tiresome, painful, even agonizing the least. But may I ask you this, is it worth riding through it?

Admittedly, (modesty aside), it's worth riding the rush hour. Sometimes, I don't mind squeezing in and trying to beat the traffic, or trying to get where I am suppose to be. Riding the MRT during rush hours has its perks actually. One, you can take advantage of the moment and offer a bit of kindness to those who will be joining you in the MRT coach, either by offering them a smile or giving them the space they need to squeeze in to. You never know, that smile and kindness can even change someone's day. More often, I always think that riding the MRT is worth it, may it be rush hour or not. It usually gives me a perspective on things. Plus, when you take the MRT during rush hours, it shows a kind of persistence to be at a place better late than never.

Maybe you can ask me, why this thought? It's like this, I have friends who work at a call center, and they take the MRT. Both during the rush hours and not. Just like them, I would agree that taking it during the rush hour is always worth it. Because, there's always a chance you will always catch the next one to get to your destination. Keep this thing in thought, taking the MRT during rush hours is like taking a chance. You wouldn't know if your chance is worth it if you didn't take it. So, just take it, no matter what the end results might be :)

So I salute those who takes the chance and be a part of the call center family. Why not take your chance in E-Sykes' giveaway? Click here on how you can get that chance, you never know you might even have your chance :)

X-Men: Days of Future Past

2014-05-19T14:06:00.001+08:00

If I were to correct something in my past to save the future, it would be to take a different path where I am now. It would be to go directly to medicine school and save my bleak legal career now. True, not all pasts are worth correcting, but this is one past I would go back for and try to change.

Now, who's with me for a better change?

LMFAO (Learning More From Another One)

2011-11-03T23:58:00.001+08:00

Everyday, to me, is a learning experience. The people I meet, the things I see, feel, hear or even experience. In my heart, I am happy to say, that I have been privileged to coach a team. Not just any team, but a football team.

Football is teamwork. One cannot make a goal withoout the help of another player. Each kick, chest catch, head-butt or ball control is a well-calculated team effort.

Although I am a seasoned player, I still learn from the team I helped coach this semester. They continuously remind me to remain grounded. They also continue to teach me to respect each and everyone. That each player is unique and different. No player should be ignored. Everyone should be remembered. Even if they are not the best player on the team, they're still entitled to respect. Even if they can't kick well, or can't catch the ball well, they have to be respected. Without them, a team is nothing.

As an assistant coach, I got to know the players more. What they like, what they don't like, what they're into, what course are they taking, if they're far away from their loved-ones or not, if they have a problem (financially, emotionally, etc.). In short, I learned to respect them and in the long run, I also learned to love them and treat them like my own siblings. We would bond, eat together, leave the field together, spend long-talks over the phone, or just simple heart to heart talks.

Now that I am no longer going to be with the kids I bonded with for the entire semester, I learned an imporant lesson. Well, lessons.

Lesson Number 1:

"I learned to respect and agree with what my players think and suggest."

- Like a game of chess, as a player, I am oblivious to the blind moves I make on the field (may it be decision-making ones or in relation to the team in general). The players, like spectators in a chess game, sees these moves. And they will tell you what's on their mind. If it's no longer good for the team, they will tell you wholeheartedly and honestly that what you're doing is not correct. And the best thing to do is: LISTEN.

Lesson Number 2:

"I believe in the team knows better than the coach."

- The players have ideas on how to play the game better, BECAUSE, they're the ones who are ACTUALLY playing the game. As a coach, this rings true. You may have past experiences in the football field, but what might've worked for you, won't be applicable to your players now.

So, you might be Laughing My F***ing Ass Off, from reading this. But I say, I am Learning More From Another One, and that is from a simple team player,with a great mind of his/her own.

I am busy... Therefore I procrastinate.

2011-07-19T10:24:00.002+08:00

Who says I am lazy?

Being lazy isn't an excuse for things not to be done by yours truly. I have one reason and one reason only: I am busy.

Everyday all of us rush to do things or get somewhere fast. And if someone stops you on your tracks and tell you you're lazy or not doing what you're being asked to do, simply put: YOU'RE BUSY, therefore, YOU PROCRASTINATE.

What exactly is PROCRASTINATION?

According to Wikipedia, procrastination refers to the act of replacing high priority actions with tasks of low priority, thus, putting off important tasks to a later time.

BUT... is it HEALTHY?

I think procrastinating is healthy in terms of being done once, but not always.

So again, am I PROCRASTINATING?

Technically no. I am just BUSY.

Tech Wars: Revenge of the Tablets

2011-05-03T02:09:00.000+08:00

I have delayed this post for 2 reasons:

1) I have recently bought the gadget (iPad); and

2) I waited for the release of the reviews about said gadgets.

A lot of people have talked about the iPad and reviews came out about it being the hip and in gadget that's a must-have for gadget enthusiasts out there. Even Apple has promised that after the 1st gen of the iPad, the iPad 2 will come in the market right away. I am currently a proud owner of one of the last batches from the 1st generation of the iPad. Like all iPad users, I am also satisfied with my gadget. It has helped me with my coursework and my homework. I have loaded it with my favorite mp3s to which the iPad has never failed to give me (or the other users) crystal clear quality of sound. Even the movies and clips I download via YouTube: fantastic! Though the file is of mp4 format, it's like watching it in HD. Apps are very useful and it has never failed to entertain me (even my family is using it). In short, iPad has surpassed the gadget dreams of everyone.

Then there's the release of the Tablets. There's the Samsung Galaxy Tab which boasted a camera both at the front and back. On the plus side, it's a bit smaller compared to the iPad and it also boasts of call functionality (which is only available to 3G users of iPad). I have used the Samsung Galaxy Tab myself and I could say that it's quite handy especially if you don't want to carry a bigger model around you all the time.

Irregardless of the size, usability and mobility of both the iPad and the Samsung Galaxy Tab, I am thumbs up for both the makers of these wonderful gadgets. They have made it possible for everyone on the go to be connected with their loved ones and families with these helpful gizmos. They have made the world a better place to live in...

Quarter-Life Crisis? Right...

2011-02-21T22:44:00.002+08:00

There is no doubt that at the start of this year, my life (though marked as the year known as the QLS or more commonly known as the Quarter-Life Crisis stage) began with a lot of blessings.

I am beginning to understand why everyone has been calling it the Quarter-Life Crisis stage. This is the time where you begin to see the picture a bit clearer than before. Somehow, things that I thought was right, suddenly seemed wrong. Things that I used to believe in, where false.

To begin with, I left my job of seven years to be a full-time student. Someone once told me that instead of going forward I moved backward. That I should've stayed with my work and continued on with my studies. For one, I missed the last three years of my college life. The time where I should be enjoying the challenges in class, the academic life that most of the student spent their college years bumming around while waiting for the next class to start, I spent running to and fro work. I had to run to get to my next class so as not to be late, I had to try and keep myself awake because I had been up all night writing scripts and watching tape reels. I was promised a comfortable spot in the College of Law (where I am today) after I graduate by no other than the Dean Emeritus himself (had I only grabbed it after I graduated, I would've been done by now). I was offered various positions in other media agencies and other prestigious companies, yet I chose to work where I worked for seven years (inclusive of my undergraduate years). I also chose to work first before entering Law school.

As fate would have it, I had a tumultuous three years before I went to Law school. Three painful years that I dared not share even with my family as I don't want them to endure the pain I suffered. After keeping my silence for three long painful years, I broke my silence by believing that I was well and good and deciding to go to Law school. To which my father believed was great timing. It was time for me to break out from the pain that encased me for so long. I also believed then that following orders and listening to what others has to say is important and would be a good advice for me to follow. So after three years of being tied to work, tied to the pain, I decided to enroll. The dream that began five years ago is still in my heart. I prayed day and night that I be given the chance to enroll, where not everyone is lucky enough to get in for various reasons. After two years of Law school, and after seven years of working, I decided to call it quits from work, take a breather and start loading myself with the ammo I needed for the future. I am thankful for being part of the company I called home for seven years. They groomed me, treated me well, and made me distracted from the pain that haunted me. I enjoyed my stay, and I am thankful. But when I left, I was asked several questions as to why I left? Did I really leave because of the stress? Did I just use my education as an excuse? Or simply put, I can't take it anymore?

On top of these questions, I was also haunted by a romantic pain that everyone goes through. A scar that I thought had already healed, had opened once again. We undergo pain... Sorrow... Suffering. Yet it comes in different degrees. But we have no right to make the next person we begin and learn to love to suffer for our past pains. We have no right to hurt the ones who would love us when the world refuses to, just because we got hurt before. In short, we may have been hurt several times, but we cannot treat the next person unfairly because time, fate and the world has been unkind and unfair. There is no such thing as fair in this world. We have to feel unfairness, before things become fair. We have to feel pain before we feel love.

So tell me, I have learned to speak six languages, yet there is no exact translation or meaning or exact words for the things I am feeling now.

But I will say this, I have never regretted the decision of going back to school and leaving work after seven years. Time has been kind to me all these years, and I believe that it's just good timing. Maybe there is a bigger assignment for me in the future. A bigger test maybe that I have to prepare for. In the end, it's me and the world. The way I converse with it, the way I move with it. There are no late timing. There are no wrong decisions. They are only wrong if we regret about later on.

Do I still considered myself blessed? Yes. Do I still considered myself to be lucky despite the many trials I had to face at the beginning of the year? Yes. I have been brought down so many times, that these depressions have become my inspiration to rise above it all.

Haunted

2010-12-01T16:36:00.003+08:00

I thought it was over. That the memories from my past won't give me nightmares anymore. It made me calm for the past four years. Four quiet years that helped me heal. I've dealt with almost killing myself, to overdosing myself with alcohol. To trying to kill my lungs with nicotine till I could barely breathe. But who was I kidding? I was only giving myself a slow and painful death. But what was I to do? I tried all sorts of remedies. But to no avail. I am tired. Tired of how things are going. Then suddenly, after four quiet years, I receive an email about this person who used to haunt my dreams till I could force myself to close my eyes at night. And now, this dream haunts me yet again. And now, I could barely keep myself awake. For I am afraid it might haunt me in my sleep. Why can't it be over? Right now its being replaced by someone new. Yet, again, the same waltz is playing. Dragging on and on. When will it end?

I am plagued by the nightmares that barely reaches my inner soul. Now, I try to close my eyes and try to relieve myself from the pain. Yet the tears are falling freely from my eyes, betraying me yet again.

Mistakes, Mess, Errors and Whatever Else It's Called

2010-11-06T21:25:00.003+08:00

We make them. Great, small, huge, tiny, damaging, and whatever else you might call it. Sometimes, we do it intentionally, and most of the times unintentional. This year, I have made quite a few mistakes in my life that cannot be rectified nor erased. But I do not regret making them or having them in my life. I had the biggest epic fail in my entire educational life. And it was all because of a few errors.

I tried to go against the flow and tried to prove once and for all, falling in love doesn't have to be dictated or it's free like the river. You may like whoever you want to like, go out with that person and try to defy gravity. But it has a price. An inevitable expensive price you pay later on. Like a credit card, it will accumulate and will send you a letter indicating that you have to pay as soon as possible. Painful isn't it? I wanted to prove everyone else, by talking, hanging out, or even seeing this person, that love was right, meant to be. But no. Because it was against all laws created, including that of God, then because of my defiance, I failed miserably in a few subjects that had my strongest point that is debating and written. Because I wanted to defy gravity, I stepped down the position I loved with all my life: Choir. I felt I was being unfair to God and myself by sitting in that choir loft and singing His hymns but my mind was somewhere else. Then my painful past came back. The suitor who used to beat me up has made his presence known by emailing me. I was scared out of my wits. I felt miserable, lost, empty. That I decided, though its against all my wishes and against my heart, to step down from choir. The only place where I felt near to God. I love my work, but my supervisor got the best of my existence. And I let it affect the other thing I love the most: my studies. I would opt not to go to class, or my mind would be someplace else. With all these burdens in my mind, what was I to do? I couldn't tell my mom, she was busy with a project. I told my dad, later on, but it was a bit late. I was already in a mess. My mind was already giving up on me. Wine was tempting me to drink, though I didn't touch a single drop. I knew I was slipping. Everything to me, felt like a total lie. I began to question a lot of things. I also started to detach myself from the people who love me. People who promised that they would come back, I never believed them. I would start to eat emotionally or totally not eat at all. I would come to class, empty-minded. Everything was a blur. Because of all these things, I failed.

But of course, in real life, there are no erasers. No white-outs to correct the wrongs. And even if there would be a way to correct it, it would be too late. Or rather, it would only do little to the damage done. I am not writing this as a sob story or something that would attract pity from the eyes of the readers. All I wanted to was to be listened to. Which no one has done in my entire life. Hearing and listening are two different things. Sure my sister heard me, but never listened. Same goes with my parents, they heard me yes, but never listened. They think that the remedy or solution to my behavior is by telling me off all the time of all the errors I have done. I even have tried to rectify the errors, mistakes and whatnot by being helpful around the house, cleaning, paying the bills, ironing. But its futile. Because somehow, even my acts of kindness were repaid by all my errors. But who am I to answer back? I am the daughter, so I try my really best to keep quiet. I believe that God is just and watching that I have been a good daughter.

Regardless of all the mistakes, errors and the part where none of my family understands, or listens, I still love them and understand them more. That's what makes me love them and understand them more, we all have imperfections and that what makes this family perfect. My deeper understanding and love for them, covers all tracks of their lack of paying any attention to me. Like I said, this is no sob story or I am not asking for pity. This is just me.

On Being Courageous

2010-10-04T12:59:00.002+08:00

There are a lot of ways to show courage. Some may show it when they are already in the face of danger. Some muster their courage when they are about to tell someone that they love them after all these years. But being courageous also meant, you are willing to admit you're sorry.

I have never seen my father so disappointed with me. I admit, it was my fault, when I actually said something I wasn't suppose to say in the first place. My actions were miscalculated and my words out of bounds. On the ride back to work, it took me 15 minutes. 15 MINUTES!!! To muster the courage to say sorry. Sorry that I went out of line. But my dad, like all fathers, hugged me back and said it was okay, that what I did, happened for a reason. I could only respond with tears in my eyes.

As I write this, tears are still falling. I am courageous enough to cry even though when I am already beyond my age, but I am still sorry for not being courageous enough to tell my father how deeply sorry I was. 15 minutes was too long. Hopefully next time, I wouldn't wait that long to say sorry. Of course the next time around, I won't let it happen EVER AGAIN.

At the Heart of Arts and Culture

2010-09-12T16:56:00.002+08:00

The other day, hours before the concert of the Philippine Philharmonic Orchestra began, I wandered off through the floors of the Cultural Center of the Philippines. I was in awe as I walked along the paintings lining the walls of the building. Studying each stroke, each hue, I found myself lost amongst the colors that struck a chord in my heart. I ask myself, what was the artist feeling when he painted this piece? After looking at the paintings I went one floor up where the museum was. It was a place where one could find his or her roots. Looking at the pieces from behind glass cases, I was amazed at how our country has so many riches to impart to us. But sadly, our generation has forgotten. Gone are the days when one would use the gamelan and the gongs to produce music, or the gitara or the rondalla. Now its rock music here, sentimental music there, pop music everywhere. Our traditional music, almost gone with the changing times. A few more steps and I was in a place where folk dances where shown. National treasures that boasts of a rich heritage. I gaze sadly on the fine jewelry that our Ifugao sisters wore, or the headdresses our Ifugao brothers wore proudly on their heads. The sarongs that clothed our Maranaw relatives and the dialects lost on our now foreign tongues as we embraced other cultures. As I left the museum, a muse inspired me to write this poem in Filipino.

"Bughaw, pula, puti at luntian,

Simbolo ng ating mayaman na kalinangan.

Musikang umaalingawngaw mula sa hilaga hanggang sa timog,

Wala ng init na nararamdaman kundi hamog.

Malungkot na mga matang nakatitig sa nakakalimutang kinagisnan,

Gintong mga alahas ninais ng mga dayuhan,

Makulay na kultura, unti-unting nawawaglit,

Hindi nililingon kahit isang saglit.

Masakit sa damdamin, bakit kinagisnan na kultura'y hindi muling yakapin,

Pagka't kinabukasang banyaga ang sinasalamin,

Sayang sa isang gusali na lamang ito namamahay,

Pagka't panahon ng teknolohiya ang bumawi ng kanyang buhay..."

In english:

"Blue, red, white and green,

Symbols of our rich culture,

Music that echoes from the North to the South,

Warmth is no longer felt, except the cold.

Sad eyes that looks on over a forgotten heritage,

Gold that were desired by foreign invaders,

Colorful culture that is gradually being forgotten,

It's not even given a second glance.

It's saddening to know that we cannot embrace our heritage back,

Our choice to only see the foreign future in the mirror,

Saddened that a building houses our only culture,

For technology has taken its life away..."

Pagbabago...

2010-08-26T14:23:00.001+08:00

We all have our different tastes... A different take on clothes, gadgets, books and even food. That includes desserts. Like most of the Filipinos, I grew up to be a Goldilocks kid. My birthday cakes would come from Goldilocks and even that irresistible polvoron and caramel popcorn. When there are times I would feel down and out, I will grab my bag and wallet and catch a jeep going to SM North where the Goldilocks store would greet me at the entrance.

Katulad din ng nakararami, I too, underwent a change... a pagbabago. When I was in college, I was the shy-type, not really minding my looks and how I walk. And it was in this period where I met a man whom I thought would be my mate for an entire lifetime. He was cool, good-looking and confident. He complimented my simplicity as something to his style. Little did I know, he had a dark side to his "somewhat-saintly ways". He began abusing me, both physically and emotionally. When we both separated ways after the incident, I underwent the biggest change in my life. I went out more, changed the way I look, the way I talk, the way I walk and everything. Although my spirit was bruised, I will never forget the day when my Ate brought me to Goldilocks the day after I separated from the man would leave me scarred. She told me in her exact words as I recall from 5 years ago: "Life is like a bakery, like this place Goldilocks. They might go through changes, but its still the same store. Parang ikaw, at first you might not enjoy the change, pero eventually you will find that its the best, kasi your hair might change or the way you dress, but you're still you. Parang baking lang, you're just sifted through, so that the bad elements will be sifted away and separated. And then you will be molded and baked to who you are today."

Some may call this a love story, the cynics might call this a tragedy, but for whatever ending that had happened, I was glad the ending happened the way it did. And I was glad that the pagbabago happened and still happening. Life is all about changes, all we have to do, is embrace it and let it change you the way it should even if the original you is still inside...

Choices v. Decisions

2010-08-16T15:26:00.003+08:00

This evening while walking home, kindness gave me a ride. While on my way home, walking through darkness and rows of condominiums, a tricycle stopped and the driver asked me if I would like a ride home. I said sure, why not? I was heading that way anyway. As the tricycle rolled by I started fishing for my wallet to pay the man for his kindness in giving me a lift home. When the tricycle stopped in front of the store where tricycles were posted I took out my wallet and I started to look for spare change. The driver smiled and told me that it was free, I no longer had to pay. I smiled and thanked him profusely. On my trek home, I can't help but wonder over the decision the driver had to make to give me a lift. Was it easy? Or was it hard to make?

Connecting it with my life, in the course of it, I was asked, so many times, how come I am still single?

Good question though. Was it a personal choice or a decision?

Looking back, it was a decision I had to make. Was there another choice? Of course there was a lot of choices. I could've gone and followed my heart and let my brain do the thinking later. But I decided, for the best that His will be done. Even if it has been four years, the pain is still there. Sure, there's a scar to prove that I have gone through the ordeal, a living memento of what once was. But then who would I be kidding? Myself? Everyone? There is no such thing as a bad decision. It's only bad when you regret about it later on. I never regretted making that decision.

Going over my decision was like reviewing a decision formerly made in court. Did the jury voted unanimously? Was the judge fair in giving his concurring opinion? Or did he have a back-up dissenting opinion? Did I go to far with my judgement? Was I fair enough to pass judgement?

To be honest, all decisions are fair and it's what makes who we are now.

Right now, I have four choices to make, but only one decision. Hopefully, I will not regret making that decision and it would be for the best. Its not just a flip of a coin anymore, that would either be heads or tails. Its a lot of choices versus one decision.

Am I being fair to myself?

You decide.

...walking alone a lonely road

2010-08-10T15:02:00.005+08:00

As I write this I listen to a song that I hope someday would be sung to me. I ask myself, when will it happen? I wonder when someone will really have the courage to ask my father and ask for his flower and give her a bouquet. I also wonder if someday, someone will ask for me, my father's princess and make me his queen? I don't want to sound jealous, but I do envy my older sister. She could get everything she could want when it comes to guys. People would be telling me how lucky I could be or the guy. But where is he? Why is he blinded by material things or superficial elements that make up a girl?

Every time I hear someone liking me, I ask myself when will he have the guts to just ask and tell me himself instead of someone telling me instead? Does he have any idea how painful it could be for me? To be lied and joked or played with? I am not a toy. I am also a human being. I have feelings too.

Last night, I had the most meaningful conversation with a friend. Talking about this with other people, will only lead you to disappointment. No one would understand. You may ramble and rant on, but they would only tell you what they know. They will pretend to listen, but won't really pay attention. This pushes you to the edge, without them realizing it.

Sometimes I wished that years ago, I should've died as planned. But for some Divine Intervention, I didn't. I ask myself so many times why? It would've been better that way. Instead of reliving this pain I am going through.

I've had enough.

"Is this the moment, when I look you in the eye? Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry..."- Permanent, David Cook

Who is your Super ONE and why?

2010-07-26T11:09:00.003+08:00

My Super ONE is my Grandma...

Right now, she's residing at the Land Down Under with my other uncles and aunts. This photo, which was taken around May of last year was a photo of me and my Nanay (as we fondly call her) 24 years after she migrated to Australia. She came to visit us last year and announced upon her arrival: "Apo, let's go to South Korea! I want to see where they shoot Winter Sonata!"

After that epic trip to Seoul, Nanay still calls us every now and then and writes to us. And would you believe at the age of 82 she surfs the internet? After our youngest sister taught her how, Nanay couldn't get off the net!

I just wish she's here right now... I miss spending midnights with her watching her Koreanovellas and her war time stories (she survived both the 2 World Wars). The good thing is, Globe recently launched Super One... this is a sure way for me and Nanay to still stay connected despite the distance and time difference.

Not For Sale

2010-03-16T15:12:00.002+08:00

Sunny side-up with ham and butter on toast. Baked.
Fresh raspberry lemonade, cool morning breeze.

You catch my attention, gathering dust
under heat
Behind walls.

Echoes of pebbles under the train.
Station to station.
Reminds me of the subway ride from Upper East Side to Manhattan.

I wanted to go near you. Touch you.
But sadly you're no longer up for grabs.

Destination arrival time read eight past one
and I walk away.

MTR rewind

2010-03-16T00:17:00.006+08:00

Passing cars, pedestrians...
Red light. Green light.
Thermals rising through the air
I catch a glimpse of a stranger, sea of faces swirling smoke

I close my eyes, hoping for a moment to catch a fragment of your smile.
maybe, just maybe, just for a second.

Its 30 minutes past noon.
Walkways, pathways, a few minutes of cold air.
Hurrying footsteps here and there.
Shadow of people fading.

Train arrives, 9 3/4.

Echoes over the PA system.
Next station, Buendia Station...

interchange station to the Bel-Air line, doors will open on the right.
I smile.