Journey to Beloved

Where are you?

2013-02-16T11:09:00.000-06:00

It's been over a year since I put my words and heart on this page.

It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to.

The emotion, the excruciating pain--this journey of mine, as of late, has been beyond what I could possibly express.

Today--it will be raw. Uncut. Vulnerable.

Me.

Walk away now if you want a perfectly packaged post.

Walk away if you want poignant words and breathtaking prose.

Walk away if you want answers to your heart's questions.

Stay if you want to feel not so alone in your struggle.

Stay if you want to know that there are others who don't have it all together and don't have the answers even if they tried.

Stay if you know broken. If you know pain. If you wonder where God is.

What has happened in the past year?

In August, the pastor of the cult I came out of, the man who who was inappropriate with me in marriage counseling, the man who preached that God's love was conditional, was caught abusing a 16 year old year girl and transporting her over state lines. He will be sentenced to a minimum of 10 years in a federal penitentiary.

I shared my story publicly HERE.

(I am Julie Busby)

Then my 15 year crumbling marriage that has been struggling since the beginning, fell apart.

I filed for divorce in December- it will be final in September 2013.

Throughout these two major changes my faith has been shaken to the very core.
A crisis of faith.

And this is where I will begin...

This past Wednesday, I made a date with God. I told Him that I needed Him to show up in a powerful, real and very tangible way.

I told him what a hypocrite I am.

What a disobedient sinner, a messed up, broken prodigal I am.

I told Him how I have nothing. Nothing.

Not one speck of anything to offer. I'm in the dirt, in the mud and in the filth of the world- in a pit and I have no idea how to get out.

I told Him how my heart is broken beyond repair and I am desperate for Him--

Jesus. Please help.

Nothing.

I heard nothing. Like talking to the wind. My heart aching. The loneliness beyond what I could handle. I could barely breathe.

While walking I reminded God of my desire--my greatest heart's desire.

Not money, fame, status, not any of it. Since the beginning of Julie its only been one thing..

Love.

A love that sees a heart, broken and battered and imperfect--lifts it up out of the mud, carefully, delicately and says--there is something beautiful there. I am willing to invest in that heart, cherish that heart, carefully protect and nurture that heart.

Love that heart.

Not just... love that body, love that mind, love that humor but love that heart.

Know that heart.

See that heart.

Want that heart.

And reciprocate it in a passionate and tender way.

I heard the many sermons and read the many Bible verses--"only God can be your all in all."

"He is the lover of your soul."

"He knows and wants to fill the void that is God shaped."

"You are His beloved."

I know.

I KNOW.

But in the knowing- He is silent.

In the knowing- I do not feel His touch and I crave to be held in strong arms.

In the knowing- I am weak and reach out to those things that only destroy my soul in hopes that it will soothe the desperate loneliness and pain.

And so here I sit--in the middle of the hardest part of the journey.

And I say--where are you God?

Where are you?

I need you.

The Fragrance of Forgiveness

2012-04-21T10:16:00.001-05:00

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it."

-- Mark Twain

No other gift has such a high price tag. To offer it freely you have to pay the price of being hurt, cheated, treated unjustly, rejected, taken advantage of, abused, destroyed or maligned. Forgiveness is priceless. With trembling hands I realize there are a thousand ways to bleed and to experience the pain of a broken heart- to ask the hurt to offer forgiveness seems an offense of epic proportions.

And yet-

to be set free completely from the chains of our abuser, we must stare the demon within our own hearts that bubbles up within us- that place of searing heat that seeks to inflame our insides and offer up to Christ a chance to douse the flames of bitterness within the cooling waters of His peace.

To see the Truth and confront the voices that hiss condemnation, fear, desperation and death.

Be reminded of who you are Beloved.

Forgiveness is not an act of weakness but a show of strength- a place to look at the pain caused to you and speak the Truth of Christ into it. Where you can stand tall and know who you are and claim His love over you.

When I was 13 years old, three teenage girls would bully me, taunt me and strike fear into my heart as I walked home from school. I hated them, I hated how they made me feel- worthless, fearful, weak and ugly. I would run home and plot my revenge. They haunted my dreams at night and consumed my days as I tried to figure out how to flee from their presence. One day my older male cousins found out I was being bullied and drove down to confront my attackers. My cousins were imposing and they told those bully girls who I was- I was their cousin and they would not stand for anyone attacking me. Those girls never bothered me again. When my cousins stood next to them they suddenly looked small and frightened. I saw them for who they truly were- with little power to truly destroy me. It was at the moment I saw who I was and who they were that I was able to forgive. Jesus hanging on the cross and about to die prayed, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." It sounds as if Jesus was not grasping their evil yet Jesus knew there was a bigger story- Jesus's accusers meant it for evil but God used it for good. Those who tried to destroy our Savior, God used to ignite the plan of redemption He laid out for us from before the foundation of the world. Our God is sovereign! He overcame death and rose again so that we might have life.

Out of the ashes comes beauty.

Beloved ones- one day your abuser or attacker will stand and answer for the pain they caused God's most cherished child. The Truth is your Protector sees the injustice and weeps over your pain. Forgiveness comes when you see yourself as God sees you- Beautiful, strong, empowered, whole, priceless in His eyes. Those who would, with their actions, speak to you anything contrary to this is lying to you. Can you see how small they are compared to WHO stands next to you? Can you see the picture of beauty that God is making from the ashes of your pain?

Forgiveness does not mean placing yourself in harms way- it is standing strong in the Truth of who you are in Christ. When you forgive, you release yourself from the power that those who have hurt you have over you. It is a beautiful thing when the violet that is crushed releases the very essence of who it is- fragrant and beloved.

How hard it is to write to beautiful you. I know your pain, the hurt you've experienced and I grieve for and with you. I am not advocating placing yourself in harms way at all- I am asking you to give your hurt to Christ so He can show you His Truth. Will you share with us all here your journey to offering forgiveness a midst all the devastation and pain?

Everything sad is coming untrue

2012-04-07T22:05:00.000-05:00

All will be healed and all might-have-beens will be.

In the story "The Lord of the Rings" Samwise believing that Gandalf is dead exclaimed,

“Gandalf! I thought you were dead! But then I thought I was dead myself. Is everything sad going to come untrue? What’s happened to the world?”

Two thousand years ago the sinless Son of God was nailed to a cross and put in a tomb and all hope seemed lost- but then the impossible happened, three days later Jesus arose.

It seems as if before the dawn comes the most profound and utter darkness. Before the spring there is the death march of winter, before life there is death.
When our prayers seem to hit the ceiling and all hope seems lost, it is at that moment that our miraculous Savior defeats the grave and causes life to bloom from death.

And there you stand, eyes raised , heart broken, hopes dashed- you see no light in your darkness, no spring on the horizon of your frigid, lifeless winter- no life from this death in your soul.

But everything sad is coming untrue.

Sometimes God allows some things to die so He can bring forth the miracle of life. What you don't see is His infinitely good and loving Hand working something profoundly beautiful in your life. Yes, He is making beauty from the ashes. With His gentle breath He breathes life and hope into broken souls and

heals all wounds.

Have faith sweet child- do not lose hope-

His light is piercing into the hopeless darkness.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.And he who was seated on the throne said, Behold, I am making all things new.

Beloved one- What season are you in, in your journey with Christ?

It's time to fly...

2012-03-25T16:56:00.000-05:00

A life of bondage can play strange tricks on the mind and heart, just ask an elephant who knows.

Recently while visiting the zoo with my family I was curious to why an elephant tied to a small stake in the ground did not yank it up and be on its way. The animal's handler explained that baby elephants tied to similar stakes learn they can't break free. As elephants grow older and stronger, they don't test the stake again--thereby remaining trapped by what should be an obsolete restraint.

There are many of us who have escaped in some dramatic ways the bondage of legalism, abuse and addiction yet still stay trapped and chained to our captors when God has set us marvelously free.

Jesus has given us wings to fly- our wings names?

Mercy and Grace.

These beautiful gifts are meant to make us fly but to begin the process of flight we must recognize that the chains that once held us, no longer have any power over us.

What Jesus has made free is free indeed.

It's time to test the restraints- walk out onto the water- dare to claim by faith the victory that is yours and purchased by Christ.

Your freedom was purchased on Calvary- the fear that tyrants and devils instill in you are not true- God has promised us a sound mind, He casts out fear.

Those voices that tell you there is no hope, lie. They lie!

Beloved one- It's time to fly.

The wings of grace and mercy will take you above all fear, all condemnation and all judgement.

Claim Truth.

-Walk in Love-

Fly in Grace and Mercy

Soar in the freedom of Christ

Beloved one- it seems we have so much in common. It seems as if just when we begin the journey to freedom we realize how much this journey has truly just begun. There are so many lies to shed, so much Truth to learn. Where are you on your journey?

I'd love to hear your voice.

He Loves Me Anyway

2012-01-28T10:20:00.002-06:00

"There are no words to to express the abyss between isolation and having one ally. It may be conceded to the mathematician that four is twice two. But two is not twice one; two is two thousand times one." -G.K. Chesterton

I began to spiral and my heart felt like knives had been ripped through it. The tears would not stop flowing and sleep brought no respite.
Yet again the words of a friend tore into me.
A friend who knew my heart and whom I trusted past my guarded walls of safety into the sacred places where only few see. I suppose if it had happened only once, twice, even three times, I could have cast it aside and not allowed it to hurt me so deeply but this was not the first friend who walked away from my friendship, whose words cast judgement on my person hood. As judgement was cast and labels applied I looked into the mirror and tried to affirm myself. "Julie, you are not those words, you are not that label." Somehow the words seemed hollow and insincere- like I was trying to convince a thief that they had not stolen. The weight on my shoulders to prove to those who hated me, to those who turned their back on me that I was good enough and not worthy of such judgement was so heavy I could barely breathe.
God shook me from my fitful sleep and whispered such a profound Truth into my ear that I was shaken from the very foundation of my being.

"Julie, you are those things your friends have accused you of, you don't need to carry the burden of trying to prove you are innocent because you are not. Beloved, I know you are a broken vessel, sinful, imperfect. I know that you fall and that you fail loved ones, friends and those who look up to you. I know and I love you anyway. I've taken the burden of your sin and guilt and bore it on the cross. I have stood in your place and have been your strength. You are complete, perfect and enough in ME."

Friends, the truth is I fail, I fall, I am not perfect and I hurt people. It grieves me. I beg of you to forgive me if I have hurt you. I wish I could eliminate and eradicate sin and pain. I wish I could offer those I love the perfect friend, wife and mother,
but I can't.
I do know this- when we walk in the Spirit and rest in His unfailing love we can find strength and hope to get up after we fall and keep serving Christ. Yesterday I wanted to put up a mile high wall and never trust or love another friend. I wanted to isolate and live in darkness and defeat. This morning Jesus reminded me that there is no one perfect, not a one of us but Him and yet- He loves us anyway.

Man will fail us but Jesus's love never fails. We must keep our eyes up not out.

When I know that Jesus loves me when I mess up, fail and hurt him it gives me the courage to love others even when they fail and hurt me too. It gives me the courage to face the Truth that we are all broken pots loved by a perfect God.
No longer will I strive to prove to those who hurt or rejected me that I am not what they say, that I am innocent and good- I am not- I am guilty as charged, I am imperfect- The Truth is- Jesus is my Righteousness, my Defense, my Redemption. He knows I am dust and He loves me anyway. I can look at those who I have allowed close to my heart and realize that they will fail or hurt me but I can love them anyway. There are no perfect marriages, no perfect friendships, no perfect parents- just broken people with a perfect God. Isn't that what enduring friendships and marriages are? Loving each other when we fail or fall? Standing in front of each other as two imperfect people and saying to each other- no matter what- even if you let me down, despite the warts and imperfections- I love you anyway and always will.

Unconditional love, amazing grace, awe inspiring mercy.

He loves us anyway.

Will you love others who hurt you or disagree with you anyway?

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Streams in the desert

2012-01-07T14:01:00.001-06:00

The beginning of a new thing.

Breaking out of bondage into a life of grace and hope.
It begins with promise-a promise to set at liberty those who are oppressed.
A burning bush moment when the Holy Spirit whispers in our ear- I am leading you to the heart of My heart- I want to reveal My unconditional love for you and make you free.
To get there sometimes there is enormous pain, evil pursuing those who would leave enslavement, Red Sea partings, wilderness wanderings and moments of fear that would whisper in our ears- it's easier if you just go back, back to the comfort of bondage instead of the discomfort of walking out into this unknown world you've never been before.

Dear beloved one- don't go back. He is making for you, streams in the desert.

The path may seem dark, lonely, endless and frightening yet He has never left or forsaken you. His gentle Hand of love has been making beauty for ashes- all the ugly- He redeems.

He makes all things new. Behold, I am doing a new thing: now it springs forth, do you perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19

It has been almost 3 years since my journey began with a dramatic Red Sea parting and wilderness wandering. I wondered where and what my Father was doing. Thirsty for His presence, broken and desperate I began to write. Acknowledging my sin, my wounds, my fears, my hopes. Meeting others who have walked the very paths I've been.

Those who have been enslaved by legalism.

Those who have been abused, shunned and wounded.

Those who have made horrific choices to feed the emptiness in their hearts with wrong choices.

Those who have felt utterly alone.

And we met here, grew together as a family of brothers and sisters and learned about the beautiful and amazing word- Grace.

Something happened only a few short months ago- something that brought hope beyond measure and altered the course of my life. Jesus took my wounds and make them into scars. Scars that still can be seen, scars that are covered by His grace, healed by His loving touch.

Jesus made streams in the desert for me.

It didn't happen overnight.

It didn't happen by pulling my boot straps up

or following a checklist of do's and don'ts.

It happened by immersing myself in the Truth and the knowledge of His unfathomable love for me, by walking ahead in hope when things seemed hopeless and tearing off the masks that held me hostage with the lie that I should "fake it until I made it".

There is no special method but I do want to share something that is burning in my heart.

It takes time.

Beloved One- if God is doing a new thing in your life and leading you out of bondage, don't go back. You are not who you were- when God sends a Red Sea parting in your life you must cross over not remain in the middle of the sea with one foot ahead and your heart and mind looking back. Acknowledge the wounds, seek help and healing for the pain, face and work through the past lies and fill them with Truth but at some point there must be a time when you put the old behind you and make the choice to walk in newness of mind and heart. You are a new creation, old things have passed away and all things are new. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Be reminded of the Truth that He is for you, He loves you and He will never forsake you.

There is hope and healing! If you are walking through the desert, walk ahead confidently knowing that God has prepared a refreshing stream of hope just for you.

(Note from Julie-To those who have lovingly emailed, twittered and sent notes of love and care over this past month or so, I thank you. I've had to take a break from any online presence because of the demands of my new job at a Christian Radio Station I work for. I look forward to sharing some exciting news of what God is doing in my life, when what is in the works is more official. I've missed many of you terribly and I am so grateful to call you friend. You are loved!)

He was there all along.

2011-10-31T20:28:00.001-05:00

Her name is Lilly.
A six year old Great Dane who lost her eyes due to an incurable disease. With her sight gone Lilly was disheartened and lost hope- that is until she met Maddison another Great Dane.

"The trust (The shelter where they are staying) said the pair had been inseparable for the last five years. Maddison leads Lily around when they are out, walking close to her and touching her to let the blind dog know where to go. They curl up together to go to sleep and they are very vocal with each other."

My heart cried out as I saw the picture of these two dogs. I thought, "Lilly, the blind dog is me." Somewhere along this journey I have come to see that I am blind, diseased and not able to walk this path without a Guide. What little I know I've seen through the veil of this world is but mere shadows.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

I thought I knew what it meant to be a Christian.

I thought I had the answers, the perfect methods, the words, the lists, the actions. I've come to see that walking this journey to discovering God's love is messy.
There are no perfect answers or solutions to what life throws out at you.
I thought when I walked away from my life as Stepford Wife and Perfect Plastic Fundamentalist that the path would be clear but it hasn't.
My heart cries out for healing, to see with eyes of clarity, of hope- but honestly I've discovered that Christianity is not about the path I forge but the Guide that leads me. The Guide that was there all along, that never left my side.
He takes my darkened eyes that has been diseased by sin, by pride, by abuse, by lies and humanism- lies that consume my sight and He gently leads me.
By His side.
Never forsakening me.
Speaking, listening, comforting, binding every wound.

I stopped writing as of late because I've had no words. What do I have to offer? Nothing of me. I can barely breathe these days and so I quietly disengage. Hide. Jesus has taken my words and quieted me with His love.
I am still and I know He is God.
It is so easy to walk away from Him when your heart is broken. When pain sears hot and religion has left you scarred and burnt. To look at the disease that has taken your sight and become bitter and silently and secretly hope for a God that is good. That is kind. That is gentle. That loves you.
He does.
He will guide. He has been there all along.
Religion isn't your guide Jesus is- look up- He adores you.
He wants good for you beloved- He is for you.

He Does Not Humiliate-He Gives You Dignity

2011-09-26T10:16:00.004-05:00

I've pondered over this powerful word all weekend- Dignity.
What is it?
Dignity is walking confidently in the truth of your position of worth and nobility in Christ.

I found an excellent example of dignity recently when I heard Tim Goeglein gave his testimony of brokenness A longtime aide to President Bush and an occasional guest columnist for his hometown newspaper, Tim resigned his esteemed position at the White House after admitting that he had repeatedly plagiarized his work.At the height of his shame and admission, Tim was summoned to meet with the President in what he thought would be a wood shed moment.

As he stepped into the Oval office he looked the President in the eye and said, " I owe you an apology..." before he could get the words out of his mouth, the President said, "Tim, I forgive you. Not only is what you did forgiven, it is forgotten."

As the story continues the President offers him a seat in one of the chairs resigned to the Vice President, Heads of State and distinguished guests. This aide who had admitted to plagiarism and who had owned his sin and mistake was leaving the White House with dignity. He was not shamed or humiliated but was offered a seat of honor, forgiveness and hope. I thought it was a powerful example of how Jesus treats us.

When we deserve it least, when we have shattered our lives and have what seems like nothing left, when we least expect it Jesus gathers us up, He forgives our sins, He blots them out of His memory never to be remembered again or used against us. He does not humiliate us when we come to Him, He gives us hope and dignity by reminding of us of our worth and nobility in Him.

Jesus offered dignity to the woman at the well. He offered dignity to the tax collector and to the thief at the cross. If dignity is what Jesus gives us, then the antithesis of dignity is shame or humiliation. Shame or humiliation is not the heart of our Savior.

As I've studied this beautiful word called dignity this weekend God has placed three very powerful examples of the destruction that shame leaves and the beauty of building up that dignity leaves.

The first example is a painful moment I've been wrestling with for days now. A person I considered a "friend" had decided that she didn't agree with me or my journey and went out of her way to ask a mutual friend of ours to shun me and no longer have any connection with me . When I went to her to resolve this hurt and find out why she would do such a thing I heard words like, "You are bitter." "You are the worst person to be near my friend." As many more words tumbled out of her mouth, her words began to sink into my heart and I suddenly felt enormous shame for just being me. As I brought her words to Jesus I placed them at His feet and asked Him- "Jesus, am I those words?" "Who am I Jesus?" "Is what she is saying Truth?"
"My beloved, you are seated in high places, cherished, beautiful in My sight. I love you beyond measure and grieve at the lies that you would hold close to your heart. Hold my Truth close sweet one. When those who would try to define you with words of shame and condemnation come your way, throw down those toxic labels and wear the label I have given you- beloved. "

The second example is of a sweet girl who wrote to me about her infidelity. She recently confessed to an affair she had and was making steps to own her sin, face the consequences of her actions and turn repentant back to Jesus and seek His face and walk in His wisdom. She was fighting for her marriage and wanted restoration yet she was covered in shame and hopelessness. It seeped into every panicked word she spoke. She kept identifying herself as a woman who was worthless and unworthy of love. "How could he ever love someone like me?" she cried.
"Oh but precious child, don't you see? "Someone like you" is beloved of God! You are my delight! I run to you and with a heart of forgiveness remove that sin as far as the east is from the west. I come to bind your wounds and restore your life so that your story can be a sweet savor to those who do not believe. Have hope - who you are is valuable beyond measure- you are priceless to me!"

The third example was a wonderful young girl who I bumped into while out shopping. She ran to me and with joy stated, " I am having a baby!" I hugged her and congratulated her on this new precious life. She explained to me that she was unwed and that this wasn't planned but that she was going to keep this precious life and make something beautiful from a situation that was not ideal. She looked at me and said, " Julie I walked in shame for weeks when I found out I was pregnant but I've come to the place where I realize who I am and whom I belong to. God can restore and redeem any situation and I can hold my head high knowing that He can take my sin, my mistakes and take me ashes and make something beautiful." Tears gathered in both of our eyes. I looked at her and said, "Your child is not a mistake sweet girl and yes, hold your head high- you are a daughter of the King. I am so proud of you for taking responsibility for this life and for standing tall and with dignity. There is no shame."

But the Lord GOD helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. Isaiah 50:7

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 1 Peter 2:9

Dignity- a powerful word. Everyone in this world deserves dignity. As Christians we can not only hold our head high through the most painful of situations and walk in dignity because of who we are in Christ but we can also offer the world the same beautiful and priceless gift by showing the world their worth. No matter what your earthly position is, your heavenly position in Christ supersedes it.

Adulterer, drug addict, Pharisee, thief, liar, nobody, abused, forgotten, lost, hopeless, cheated on, poor, working a job where you receive no respect? You can hold your head high and walk in dignity because in Christ you have dignity-God's label supersedes the world's labels.
You are beloved.

Cardboard Testimony- Was Exhausted Now Learning to Rest.

2011-09-23T19:07:00.001-05:00

I was raised in an “adjective-church.”

What’s that? Well, there might be one in your community. They are easily identified by the sheer number of adjectives used to describe their doctrinal position. “Independent, Fundamental, Separated, Pre-millennial, Dispensational, Bible-believing Baptist Church.” Can you say it all in one breath? I couldn’t. And I couldn’t figure out how it all fit on one sign, either.

A huge part of living within an adjective –church-system is an endless assortment of rules. Working hard to please the rule-enforcers was required, because, by extension, you were pleasing an even more stringent authority: God Himself.

Some of these rules are written, like:

Women may never wear pants. (Dt 22:5)
Men must have short hair. (I Cor 11:14)
Children must be well-behaved at all times. (I Tim 3:4)

Some of the rules are unwritten, and have more general verses attached.

Men who speak from the pulpit may not have facial hair (I Thess. 5:22)
Children must either attend an adjective-based Christian school or be homeschooled using an adjective-based curriculum. (I Thess. 5:22)

So, on a typical Sunday, I would follow all the rules, paste on a plastic smile and:

arrive 30 minutes early to prepare for class, armed with a wheeled luggage case filled with teaching materials;
bring musical instruments for ‘special music’;
interpret in sign language for at least one service;
bring food for the church dinner;
go home and wonder WHY I felt more drained on the ‘Day of Rest’ than on any other day of the week!

Eventually, I couldn’t keep up the pace. I also couldn’t apologize enough for failing to live up to others’ perfectionistic expectations when things started to slip.

Condemning sermons followed me home.

‘The problem, no doubt, is with you!’

‘If you wouldn’t prefer to burn out than to rust out, you aren’t spiritual enough!’

Praying it would work, I rose an hour earlier to read my Bible, fasted three times a week, was at church every time the doors were open, and unlocked them myself if they weren’t open….

Did it help? Nope.

But then one day Matthew 11:28 took on a new significance.

“Come unto me…”

Who is He kidding? I don’t measure up.

“…all you who labor and are heavy laden…”

Sunday School is coming up, and so is AWANA. Then Revival Meetings… I have NO ideas for a VBS theme this summer and…

“…and I will give you rest.”

What??

“Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Could it be that simple? Could it be that all of this “ministry” really wasn’t about the church, the church administration, winning the lost, or even (gulp) about me, but instead, it was really supposed to be about Him? Could it be that I was struggling to be acceptable to the false god, when all I really needed to do is ‘rest’ in the True God?

Even though I still do too much, a new word is starting to describe me:

Today's powerful testimony was sent in by "Belle".

Join the revolution of radical love, brave authenticity and scandalous grace- Send in your cardboard testimony today. Let's show the world that
Jesus Redeems!

Spiritual Triggers

2011-09-14T16:50:00.001-05:00

It is just a normal day, I am just a normal girl but on days that I deal with triggers things are not so normal.

The radio will come on with a favorite preacher, I'll be sitting in a church service or reading a quote on someone's Facebook wall admonishing me to surrender more, do more or show God how much I love Him and I will began to "trigger". My heart rate will increase, my stomach will begin to lurch, my palms will get sweaty and I will begin to shake. My only desire at that moment is to run far and fast. ( Some may want to fight- fight or flight are always the two reactions when experiencing a trigger.)

It is always big reaction to a little incident and it makes no sense to someone who has never experienced it.

What is a trigger?

Triggers can be anything that we see, hear, smell, taste, touch or feel that evoke an intense emotional response.

For a long time I never realized what I was experiencing and thought for sure I was losing it.

You see, we all have an emotional logic of sorts, that tells us whether we are responding appropriately to any given situation. If it is a small event, we assume and expect a small emotional reaction. And if it is a big event, we expect to experience a large emotional reaction.

However, when we experience what we deem to be a small event and have a large emotional reaction, this defies our emotional logic and can be very disturbing.

When an emotional trigger happens, it does not make sense in the context of the situation or present circumstance. However, emotional triggers do make sense when we add in the past. It is in our past that we must look to uncover the meaning of the trigger in order to take away its power over us.

The Past is the Key!

Within our past (whether recent or distant) there is an event or trauma that that is large enough to evoke such an emotional response. The trigger is only a small representation or icon of the previous trauma or some aspect of the trauma that we experienced in our past. ( Chart and quote by Russ Webb of Tumbler Ridge Counseling Services)

What does this have to do with our journey with Christ?
Many of you who read my blog have come from spiritually abusive backgrounds or cults.
Many or most from abusive backgrounds from childhood.
As you grow in grace and step out into healthy territory you may find yourself "triggering" as you "relearn" truth in the context of your relationship with Christ. I want to give you hope that the feelings you are experiencing are not only normal but your body's way of protecting you from a real or believed threat and warning you of danger. Triggers are your body and mind saying, "In the past this type of person, this situation, these words have hurt you or traumatized you- we are going to begin the process of protection from within." This is why many people who have never dealt with past traumatic experiences deal with psychosomatic illnesses.
Your body is telling you that there is a problem!

I know this post is not poetic, it isn't meant to reach the masses but it is written for those who have sat in church on Sunday and who have literally (like I have) wanted to poke their eyes out with a ice pick when the choir begins to sing "Just As I Am". It is for those who have had religion so harshly pushed on them that they have ran far and fast away from anything to do with God. Their past has taught them to relate church, Jesus and the Bible with pain, condemnation, shame, fear and abuse.

Let me share my heart dear beloved friend- you are not alone. Isolation is the devil's tool to keep you in bondage. There is power in community. There are scores of us who are working through the grief and pain of such a background and there is hope.
Weeding through the lies and resting in His unconditional love and grace are key. Know that there is grace to be poured out for you and that there is healing that Jesus promises. He comes to bind up your wounds and shelter you under the shadow of His wings. When you trigger take a deep breath and explore in a safe place what lies are buried in your past that have caused you to react. Fill it with the truth of His love and grace. Reach out to a strong grace filled and healthy support group.

Will you share some of your triggers here and how you have dealt with them as they come? Beloved, you are safe, your voice wanted and needed here.

Jumping Tandem with Christ

2011-09-08T15:24:00.000-05:00

I am what most people would call a classic People Pleaser.

Resting is not easy.

The negative tapes in my head harshly remind me, on days I am not walking in freedom, that I am loved for what I DO, not for who I am in Christ. It is why I have a hard time saying no and why I almost always unquestionably conform to the expectations around me. Unbeknownst to most, beneath the people pleasing mask is fear, exhaustion, feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.

To rest in who I am in Christ and His finished work almost unfathomable to me-

until this weekend.

My family stopped at the yearly Couch Freak Boogie , a weekend where skydivers from all over the country congregate and enjoy jumping out of planes for fun.

One of the wild opportunities at the Couch Freak Boogie was the chance for an inexperienced onlooker to jump tandem with an experienced jumper. The rule is.. rest in the knowledge and experience of your jumper and enjoy the exhilaration of a 1 minute free fall from 13,000 feet.

Sounds easy yet petrifying. To realize that you have no control while placing your life in the hands of another is a tough pill to swallow. It reminds me of the concept of Biblical Rest. Being a people pleaser I found lists a great benefit to me, lists were safe and uncomplicated, I like tangible and calculable results.

What results come from rest? True biblical rest means releasing control and stepping out in faith. It is resting in the finished work of Christ, not working at trying to earn the right to be in His good graces or pay back some debt I owe. It is resting in the finished work of the cross. The gospel releases me from running a never ending treadmill of people pleasing. It means that nothing I DO gets me to my destination safely but the choice to fully trust in the One who paid the paid the debt and took on the sacrifice on my behalf.

I no longer owe a debt to God- the debt has been paid in full. It is finished.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him. Psalm 62:5

Some would criticize this post and say, "Are you advocating not serving Christ or showing our love for Christ by giving ourselves to minister to the needs of others?" No.

I am saying that our choice to do or work should be out of an overflow of love for what Christ has done for us, NOT out of feelings of guilt, condemnation or shame. We are accepted in the beloved. Period. We do not work to pay off a debt to Christ- the debt has been paid. Our hope is in Jesus Christ and Him alone. Just like a tandem jumper- your trust is in the work of the guide, not in our ability. Grace and freedom is an exhilarating experience- will you jump tandem with Christ today and fully rest in His grace?
I hope today you hear the words that Jesus is speaking into your heart- Beloved child, you are enough, come rest in me, you are safe under the shadow of my wings. I love you dear one.

Cardboard Testimony- Was Lost Now Never Forsaken

2011-09-02T07:27:00.000-05:00

I was born premature and stayed in the hospital for a month.

Adorable and healthy but an enemy of God. I was taught by my Mom and Dad to believe in God and to believe the Bible.

Our religion also taught that I needed to work my way to heaven through sacraments, good actions, confession to a priest and penance.

~SET FREE BY THAT SAME BELIEF IN GOD AND THE BIBLE.

In 1972, when I was 10 years old, my older sister heard the good news of the gospel from the wife of a teacher at public school. Marie then read me my first verse-

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Yes, at ten years old I changed my mind!

From a LIE: confessing my sins and receiving forgiveness from a priest.

to TRUTH:

believing in God's words as it clearly told me I could have forgiveness and eternal life by believing in Jesus.

I lived a wonderful life reconciled to God, freely loving and trusting Jesus. I was completely secure forever.

Then, at 34 I was taken captive by another.

A man-made, man-worshipping cult.

There was a long list of do's and don'ts, isolation, control, confusion, bullying and abuse. It was hard, dark, fake and lonely. It stole my identity, stole my joy, stole my husband, stole my children, and stole my family. It stole my life!

~SET FREE BY THAT SAME BELIEF IN GOD AND THE BIBLE.

I escaped the bondage, abuse and confusion when I was 46. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to have my relationships restored with no more chaos.

I ran from the monster.

Once again resting in the loving, gracious arms of Jesus. Peace, joy and color came back to my life.

Through it all, I trusted and clung to my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. My Savior, Friend, Guide, Comfort and Solace.

He would whisper in my ear, "I love you. You are mine. I will never leave you or forsake you."

The first verse I memorized as a new child of God and the one that has come to mind the most through the last 39 years~

"for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Hebrews 13:5

ONCE AGAIN, SET FREE BY THAT SAME BELIEF IN GOD AND THE BIBLE.

Today's powerful testimony was sent in by Amy Whitford also known as "Never Forsaken".

Join the revolution of radical love, brave authenticity and scandalous grace-Send in your cardboard testimony today. Let's show the world that
Jesus Redeems!

Exposed

2011-08-31T07:30:00.000-05:00

Beautiful friends...this week has been overwhelming. I did not want to leave you without some encouragement so I am reposting a blog post I wrote back in October of 2010. I hope your heart hears the truth of how Jesus sees you- you are beautiful in all your weakness and beauty. Be blessed.

Terrifying.

To stand before the one you love exposed.

Completely and totally.

To tear down the wall, take off the mask and rip your heart open where you are left

vulnerable.

This is true intimacy.

Can I be honest? It is one of my greatest fears and greatest desires. To allow myself to be exposed in all my beauty and ugliness,

my need, my hunger, with all my scars and filthiness and say like a beggar,

"This is all of me and

I trust you."

And yet, I fear that You will look away in disgust, in shock and reject that part of me I have worked so hard to keep from You. I have nothing to offer You. I am truly a beggar, a beggar relying on Your grace and mercy.

It would be so easy for You to walk away, my smell a pungent odor mixed with strong perfume to mask the smell, my sores oozing with puss that are carefully hidden from your view, so what do I do?

I get angry.

I can only keep my true identity as a beggar hidden for so long.

YOU know.

I just can't clean up my need enough to come to You, for I know in my mind You will turn me away.

So I avert my eyes when You walk by. I am full of shame.

I struggle.

How long will I hunger, hurt and rebel against exposing my heart to You?

If You knew who I truly am you would run, far and fast.

I refuse to read Your love letters to me.

I shun You and stubbornly refuse to speak to You.

I doubt you ever loved me in the first place.

but

one day, this poor, dirty beggar dragged herself to the feet of Jesus. Naked, blind and dirty I begged for mercy and grace.

What happened next would shock me.

You did not turn away instead You crowned me

with love and compassion.

Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed,he remembers that we are dust.
Psalms 103:2-14 ( Highlights in red are mine)

I received beautiful letter from a dearly beloved reader. (Oh how I love hearing from each of you!) She asked the questions I must have asked hundreds of times in my life.

This past week has been really hard because all of a sudden I've been doubting everything about God's character. I can't even explain what all is going on because I don't even really know. I've been avoiding praying, reading the Bible, and even thinking about Him too much because I'm so tired of struggling and I just feel like quitting. On the outside, I look fine, minus a few bumps and bruises; but on the inside, I think I'm losing my faith in God's character, my will to fight, my hope, and even my sanity in this never-ending war of attrition. Seriously, does this ever end? Will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship with God? I know the right answer, but there seems to be no end of my alternate brokenness and rebellion, and no end to the struggling and hurting. Have you been here, or maybe are you here right now? Do you have any hope for a broken woman who's rebellious and just about fed up with this whole brokenness thing? All I know is I can't do this alone anymore.

I certainly didn't have a perfectly packaged answer for her heart. In fact what I told her probably went against the flow of what she may have heard before.
I didn't tell her to read her bible and pray more.
I didn't tell her that she needed to just suck it up and do the "motions" until it became alive to her.
I didn't tell her to clean herself up first and foremost.

Oh how I related to her. How many times did I yell at God. Ask Him "WHY?"
"Where are YOU?"
How many times have I told God, "I am through!"
How many times have I gone days and days without opening the word of God.
Purposefully.
Building walls from Him.
Thinking that the only way I could get back to where I "should be" would be to get right with Him BEFORE I went to Him because surely He would not accept the backslidden, broken, imperfect girl I was at that moment.
Except that didn't work so well because I just shut God out.
There was no intimacy.
Intimacy is a place where we can come to the foot of the cross and bring our rebellion, our hurts, the ugliest parts of us straight to Him for we have a God who "knows how we are formed,he remembers that we are dust."
A God who can handle our anger and even our rebellion. A God that gives us free choice. A God that allows us to question, and to express our heart in all its beggarly ugliness. ( Have you ever read the Psalms?)
We are accepted not because of us but because of Him. He redeems all the ugly and crowns us with love and compassion!
To stand before a holy God exposed. This is intimacy.
This is love.
For the ugly, beautiful, naked, broken, unlovable, passionate people we TRULY are to stand before God and not have to mask or hold back our hearts with Him.
To allow His grace and love to make us whole again. What glory this brings to our Jesus for as we discover the homeless beggars we are, and the Holy gracious Father He is.
We can run into His arms forgiven,
crowned,
redeemed and
loved- just.as.we.are.

God is not angry with you.

2011-08-25T09:17:00.000-05:00

I sat at the table in our small group study,
the new guy beside me looked tough, his tattooed arms telling a story of a rough path.

His arms crossed, a slight scowl on his face- he didn't speak one word most of the night until it came to a question on God's love. Suddenly he lifted his voice and everyone stopped what they were doing and listened.

His words were heavy and stinging,

"God doesn't love me- he is angry with me-disgraced with what I've made of myself- my life has been nothing but a string of pain and hurt and well deserved. I just can't keep it all together. If I were God I would chastise me like my dad chastised me- he beat me senseless."

A tear trickled down my cheek. I looked the man in the eye and gently spoke the words- " He loves you, there is no condemnation, no shame."

The words hit the floor. This man would not accept such words, long ago he died to hope of God's love and acceptance. He learned to believe the lie that God was a harsh taskmaster, ready to beat, shame and look at him with disgrace.

But the Lord GOD helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. Isaiah 50:7

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

I am not a person who likes confrontation. I hate to stir up controversy but there is one thing I refuse to be quiet about- those who claim to bear the name of Christ and angrily spew words of condemnation, shame, legalism, disgrace, fear and control. The devastating effects of such demonic lies are horrific.

Jesus referred to those who didn't know him as "blind, naked, lost sheep, sick." He saved the words,"snakes, vipers, sons of hell" for the self-righteous, religious types who thought they had it all figured out - those who pulled others off the pathway of brokenness that would have led them to Jesus and dragged them into their own blind alleys. -Steve McVey

The truth is that your brokeness is what God will use to bring you to Him and when you run to Him in your time of need He will not shame you, he will not condemn you, He will not disgrace you. He will gather you gently to Him and love you. His love and grace will work from within to transform and change you.

If the devil tries to convince you that God is angry with you when you blow it, just say, “God does not condemn me today because He has already condemned Jesus at the cross 2,000 years ago!”
Unfortunately, we still hear people saying, “Go and sin no more first, then I won’t condemn you.” Maybe you have been saying this to yourself too. But God says, “I don’t condemn you. Go and sin no more.” He gives you the gift of no condemnation, so that you have the strength to go and sin no more!- Joseph Prince

Today walk in truth.

The Truth that will make you free.

In Christ you are accepted, loved and without condemnation.

There is no disgrace, God will not beat you senseless. He delights in you.

His love pursues you with gentleness.

Beware of those who speak any other gospel-you have not been called to bondage but your freedom was bought with a price!

Saturate your mind in the truth of how precious and loved you are to Him

Draw close into the arms of Jesus for He is as close as your skin.

You are His beloved.

Gentle

2011-08-20T09:38:00.001-05:00

"...your right hand supported me,
and your gentleness made me great." ~ Psalm 18

Broken people

We are all broken people in need of a Healer.

Cracked pieces of clay, vessels with holes that leak, desperately trying to stop the hemorrhaging.

Creating our own man-made dams to divert a flood that could sweep us away at any moment.

Very few see- see our lives as it truly is. If only they knew-Divorce, affairs, depression, grief, loneliness, addiction, abuse, hopelessness, sickness, financial struggles.

We trade ourselves in for plastic smiles and performances that fool even ourselves.

With well meaning hearts we somehow strive to measure up, clean up and create an image of confidence to the world. We become perfect, passive, people pleasers without boundaries.

We follow lists, smile through the trials, pull up boot straps and "get er done." Afraid of what would happen if we stopped.

No one knows.

So we push ...push ourselves with broken wings, limps, fragile and fearful hearts, onward we push.

Our driving fear?

What would people think? What would God think?

We imagine the "God of wrath" hunting us down with His displeasure, His eyes looking at us with shame.

In the midst of the storm, somewhere a calm whisper in our ear,

"No need to push the river beloved; it flows on its own.
Why do you strive my child? Are you not like a sparrow with a broken wing?
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies, and not one of them is forgotten before me? Do you think you are less valuable?
My love- I heal the broken in heart, and bind up your wounds. I proclaim liberty to the captives, and open the prison to them that are bound- my desire for you is that you would be healed and that you would fly free My love.
With gentleness I gather you up as a hen gathers her brood under her wings. You are my joy, my delight, my desire.
You are safe under the shadow of My wings."

Gentleness.

It is an attribute of God, just like He is Justice, He is Gentle.

He does not batter His sheep- He protects His sheep.

Even the sparrow that falls, He gently gathers and heals.

What would it look like if broken one you were shown safety, gentleness, tenderness, meekness?

You would fly. I know- I've seen the beauty of a scarred and broken vessel fly again.

Not only do they fly but they gather with them other broken ones and lead them to the healing Hands of Jesus

- all in gentleness.

Cardboard Testimony- Sufficient Now Shattered

2011-08-17T07:24:00.000-05:00

Once I was comfortable.

I knew where I fit.

I knew what to do.

I knew who I was-I was a pastor's wife. I was a deacon's daughter. I was a BJU graduate. I was a good girl.

But my husband heard God calling us to reach out, to step out beyond our walls to go into the community, to show God's love in tangible ways. And when we did, our world shattered.

Friends forsook us, nearly all without even saying goodbye. Long-time members withdrew from the church, leaving us facing serious financial difficulties. Our parents criticized us. My husband's seminary disapproved. A local pastor preached against what we were doing and said we were preaching "another gospel."

My reputation? My connections? My social life? My church? My self-image? Broken.

And as I wept and grieved for what I'd lost, I began to see how I'd filled my life with idols - idols of comfort, of seeking the approval of others, of self-righteousness. I'd thought I was trusting God, but when the dark times came, I was filled with fear and regret .

I wanted to be confident, admired, and respected. God wants me humble and broken. I wanted to be well-known and appreciated. God wants me to be content with being forgotten and unknown. I was shocked to realize the contrast between what I thought I was (a Godly woman) and what I was being revealed as a shallow, selfish, dissatisfied person who could talk easily of following Christ but found the reality of it difficult indeed.

Someday I want to rejoice in my freedom in Christ. Someday I want to dance and sing knowing that I am accepted and beloved as I am, that I no longer have to keep long lists of rules and expectations in order to be accepted by God.

But for now, I'm hurting and lonely and overwhelmed. I'm torn between my desire to follow my Shepherd outside the camp and into the world and my tendency to run back into the gentle, sheltered safety of the life I knew, where I could bask in the approval of other Christians and where I could keep so busy with church activities that I'd never have to come in contact with the complicated neediness of real people.

My self-sufficient image of good girl has been revealed to not be good enough. In the end, what matters is that I am found in Christ. "Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God" (2 Cor. 3:5).

Today's powerful testimony was sent in by "Shattered".

Join the revolution of radical love, brave authenticity and scandalous grace-Send in your cardboard testimony today. Let's show the world that
Jesus Redeems!

How to Bloom Hearts...

2011-08-09T16:22:00.003-05:00

Unconditional love is the seed of all hope.

It is the enticement to trust, to risk, to try, to go on.

Planted in others lives, watered with grace-

His love blooms in hearts.

For many years I planted seeds of legalism, humanism and pride.

I watered with methods, and tilled with pointed fingers of judgment.

The problem with sowing seeds of legalism is that we reap what we sow.

A life lived under rules and methods will reap a heart that conforms either out of fear or out of the desire to be accepted, not out of faith or love.

Outward conformity to a set of rules or man-made laws does not equal a heart bloomed in Christ.

It is in the planting of God's love in a person's heart that blooms devotion.

A heart planted in the unconditional love of Christ grows a fragrant testimony of faith and hope.

What if, in the precious gardens of our heart, fear of man, depression, bitterness, pride and weeds of sin start growing and overtaking our hearts?

We look at what others have planted in your heart or what you have given ground to be planted there.

If a life focused on the law and not on His grace has been planted all your life it is time to till the ground and begin the planting of a garden of His grace in your heart.

It is frightening to start over and plant grace and love but beautiful child you get grace and love and you get it in abundance.

It may take time to pull up those old stubborn weeds. Have faith, ask His Holy Spirit to be your hands and your guide. Your new garden will bloom love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Protect your heart- Jesus died for it and He adores it.

Someone trying to plant seeds of condemnation or judgement in your life? Throw them to the ground, they have no place in the garden of your heart.

Guard your freedom in Christ- it was bought with a price.

If someone comes along and tries to plant seeds of control, anger or fear in your life by telling you that you are not enough, that you need to do more to be accepted by Christ, or accepted by them, cast those seeds down. You are accepted in the beloved because of Jesus. His sacrifice on your behalf is complete and so are you-

you are complete in Him.

Water those seeds of love with the heavenly rain of grace.

Place those seeds in the brilliant "Son"shine.

Raise your face to His truth and know that today you are loved.

Plant seeds of love in another's life and watch what grows!

Look at us, said the violets blooming at her feet, all last winter we slept in the seeming death but at the right time God awakened us, and here we are to comfort you.
~Edward Payson Rod

Reminding You of Who You Are Today

2011-08-04T21:13:00.004-05:00

Sometimes you forget.

You get rejected and deeply wounded.

You stumble.

You lose your way.

You fall into trouble.

You sit in isolation- invisible-you wonder if you matter.

You feel trapped with no hope.

You get confused.

You wonder if you are enough and become a slave to the approval of others.

Have you forgotten whose you are?

No matter how far you've run.

No matter what you've done.

No matter how lost or confused your journey has become.

No matter how dark it seems right now.

No matter where you've been.

You are God's beloved.

Over and over he whispers in your ear-

"I love you, I love you, I love you!
Sweet child, you are accepted and enough.

There is no where that My love cannot reach you.
Nowhere that my grace cannot sustain you.
Turn your eyes on My love and grace- patiently My heart waits for you.
and when you remember again that You are my beloved-
I will run to you, arms outstretched, My beloved has come home!"

I pray you take the time to watch the following video. A beautiful reader sent me the link.

It was like a hug from God! I think you will agree it was like the video was specially made for this place.

I love you friends!

For Beloved beautiful you.

If God is moving on your heart to share your cardboard testimony here I would be honored to post it. Your voice and story matter.

Just Enjoy My Flowers.

2011-08-01T10:28:00.001-05:00

Crying myself to sleep, waking up desperate for Jesus.

Early morning, piping hot tea in hand, my bare feet on my deck, I was being summoned to my Love-

the sound of His creation singing in my ear.

I laced up my running shoes and as the sun rose, my feet hit the remote hiking trail not far from my home.

As I entered the path, wildflowers stood tall and friendly, glistening in the sun. Breathtaking smiles from each petal- peace flooding my soul.

Pure joy as I took the first step into the warm light.
A dove flew by reminding me of His promise of peace. Butterflies of all variety fluttered in and out of the tall grass, free and colorful.

As I began to walk deeper into the woods, something changed, looming trees darkened my view, the path more overgrown, deeper into the unknown, each corner more winding.
Suddenly feeling overwhelmed at the journey before me,

my heart began to panic.
Each step I took a wrestling match with my Maker. Do I go on or turn back?

Alone, with tears coursing down my cheek I begged God to give me answers, to shed light on my journey, to give me clear direction. The silence and isolation unbearable. Fear began to creep in, each rustle of leaves or movement in the forest ahead of me shot moments of terror.

I wasn't sure I was going to be able to finish the entire trail, I was exhausted and fearful but something stubborn in me wouldn't acknowledge that I couldn't run on, that I was weak, that I would end up triggering my blood sugar to dangerous levels if I didn't stop and rest.

Perfection and Pride.

Trying to prove that I had what it takes.

Forcing myself to suck it up and be a tough girl.

Why was I even out here on this journey? To prove to the world that I was beloved? To pretend that I am perfect so I will be accepted and loved?
When this journey began I wanted clear markers and a paved trail. I wanted answers and immediate healing. I wanted a checklist so I could say, "God, I did everything right, now pave the path before me."
I've found the deeper into my journey the more I cannot control the path ahead, the more I realize that I don't have all the answers or the perfect methods and solutions.
I stood immoveable, in the middle of the remote path, telling God there is no way I was going to not finish the path, it was my duty to RUN on, I would not admit my weakness, I had to succeed even to the detriment of my own health. It was pure pride. I had to prove my worth.

Julie, just enjoy My flowers.

His gentle voice unmistakable.
There are some days that I force myself to get up and write and upkeep this small ministry to prove in some way that I am His beloved. There are days that I do, perform, help, to prove that God still wants to use me.
There are days when I force myself on when I have nothing left and I am in danger of hurting myself just to prove to the naysayers that God still loves me and hasn't deserted me.
There are days when I pretend like I have all the answers and have it all together-
I don't.
It is His words that remind me that in all my striving that I don't need to prove my identity or worth, I just need to enjoy His flowers.
Rest in His finished work.
Be stilled by His love.
When you have nothing left to give, when your body is worn and exhausted, when you are overwhelmed and without all the answers, stop forcing yourself forward on the path without Him,
maybe God wants you, at this moment on your journey, to rest, to join Him in

just enjoying His flowers.

The Baby and the Bath Water

2011-07-28T16:46:00.002-05:00

For many years I was a "Bath Water Connoisseur"

I studied and followed the fine art of religious bathwater. I knew all about "correct" Bible versions, "proper" music convictions, my denomination's history and standards of conduct. I spent much time attending whole conferences on dissecting religious bathwater, hanging out with other bathwater connoisseurs, making sure I outwardly reflected proper bathwater, pledging 100% allegiance to religious bathwater, warding off any attempts at throwing out the religious bathwater. Making sure we protect our children from those people who may have thrown out their religious bathwater...

...Well... you get the point.

Until one day I looked at the murky bathwater I had been studying for the majority of my life and with a heave I threw out the bathwater.

Gone.

And there was the baby.

Who are you?

All this time my eyes have been on the bathwater, I had neglected the baby.

(In fact for many years I was taught that the bathwater was the baby and if I walked away from a particular religious denomination God would remove His hand of blessing from my life.)

The moment I threw out the bathwater, I made a conscious decision to begin a intimate relationship with the baby. I immersed myself in learning all about-

His love,

His grace,

His nature,

His heart

and it has been the single greatest thing I have ever done.

There are many who are healing from those who falsely represented the baby to them, others who have had religious bathwater violently pushed on them. Your eyes have been open and in your quest to find truth you have thought about (like I have) throwing out not only the bathwater but the baby too.

Religion is not the baby my friend, Jesus is.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Study the baby, know the baby's heart for you.

Will I ever be able to tell you with certainty if God is a Calvinist or Armenian? If He requires women to wear skirts that are below the knee? If fellowship with those who read other Bible versions would compromise your family? If He talked about drinking wine or unfermented grape juice in the Bible?

I don't truly know.

I do know that when my heart is breaking, when circumstances come along that are life and death. When I no longer have hope, bathwater fixation will not sustain me- only clinging to the baby will

and that baby is Jesus.

Knowing and immersing myself in His unconditional love, scandalous grace and His true heart is my only hope,

my only breath when I cannot breath.

This world's only hope is not religion it is Christ.

Not a set of rules but a relationship.

When religious triggers come along, I remember my choice to throw out the bathwater-

and focus on the baby.

Religion never sets us free, Jesus does.

He loves you dearly.

"Religion in mans answer to draw close to God; A relationship through Jesus the Christ is Gods answer to draw close to man; Which one will you choose?" -Rick Cheatham

Cardboard Testimony- Slave to Other's Expectations

2011-07-28T08:59:00.000-05:00

Growing up in a loving, Christian home is not always the perfect solution to becoming "the perfect Christian".

For some reason, the area of slavery for me was people. Everyone's opinion of me mattered.

Racing around to do for others

Clamoring for approval of others.

Seeing myself always falling short of people's expectations

And then being taking advantage of...

Finding myself labeled as "Used". "Not quite good enough".

Wanting to disappear so as not to be a burden, to not feel ashamed...

All these things left me scarred. And the scar tissue kept layering itself.

God chose to work on me through one of his human sons who was allowing Christ his begotten Son to work through him!

My husband then just a friend came into my life and slowly through his life gave me acceptance, love, and trust.

I cannot express enough how love through others,

can give the balm that is needed...

to heal a heart,

a mind,

a soul.

These gifts have slowly worked on my heart.

My husband showed me Christ in a new way, showed me what a precious Savior Christ is.

Now....

Through Christ I do for others because he gives me strength and directs my actions.

Through Christ I am approved and I need no other to affirm who I am.

Through Christ I meet the standard that God has set and only through Christ is this accomplished.

Through Christ I see me not as one taken advantage of but as one who can use what has happened in my life to help others!

Through Christ I am pure and beautiful and am completely available for God to use however he wants knowing it will be for His GLORY and my GOOD!

No longer a slave to people's opinions only a willing servant to all that God calls me to serve.

Today's testimony was sent in by Rachel.

Join the revolution of radical love, brave authenticity and scandalous grace-Send in your cardboard testimony today. Let's show the world that
Jesus Redeems!

A Divine Romance- Part Three- Betrayal and Restoration

2011-07-21T07:55:00.000-05:00

( Continued from A Divine Romance, Part Two- Hiding from God.)

I have labored over my words, desperate to portray the Divine Romance, to portray His grace in the face of our unfaithfulness, our fear, our pain, our wounds. To encourage you to know the powerful truth of His love for you. I fear this post paints just a shade of grey compared the brilliant light and color that His love is but still my heart bleeds while I write and I ask you the question...
Beloved one, have you any idea how much your Romancer loves you?

" I love you, I love you, I love you so much I died for you..."

His name was Hosea.
God told him to do the unthinkable - take a harlot as his wife. All the other men knew of her ways -- that she was unfaithful, untrue, dirty... "Why would you trust someone like that?" They snickered to each other in the circle of Pharisees.
Hosea knew that she would be unfaithful and yet he loved her, he chose her. He wooed her. He lavished her.
It was scandalous-When Hosea wed Gomer, the prostitute, he did not require her to clean up first or become more presentable to be his. He chose her, he married her, he accepted her just as she was.

Somewhere along their journey Gomer became like a bird in a cage. Her heart restless she began to seek out the love of other men to answer the ache within her. Deceived and desperate she allowed the words of men that were not her husband, to awaken her heart and give her the love, identity and acceptance she craved.
One dark, broken and hopeless day, she packs her things and runs into the arms of another.

Hosea heartbroken begins his search, driven by that indestructible divine love, love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love that never ends. And he found her, ragged, torn, sick, dirty, disheveled, destitute, chained to an auction block in a filthy slave market, a repulsive shadow of the woman she once was. We wonder how anyone could love her now. But Hosea bought her from her slavery for fifteen shekels of silver and thirteen bushels of barley (Hos. 3:2). Then he said to her, “You shall stay with me for many days. You shall not play the harlot, nor shall you have a man; so I will also be toward you” (Hos. 3:3). He actually paid for her, brought her home, and eventually restored her to her position as his wife. While we do not find anything else in Scripture about their relationship with each other, we assume that God used Hosea’s supreme act of forgiving love to melt her heart and change her life. (Quote taken from -Undying Love by Richard Strauss)

I played the part of Gomer not only in my marriage but in my walk with my Romancer. With a contrite and repentant heart I admit that seven years ago I chose to violate my marriage vows. An ugly scar that God has healed- my marriage now redeemed and thriving. Though admitting this truth leaves me open and vulnerable nothing is more vulnerable than admitting my unfaithfulness to my God.
With tears streaming down my face I admit that I have looked up to the heavens and doubted Him. Doubted His love. Questioned His existence. Grown angry with the pain He has allowed. Wondered if He even cared. Challenged His authority. Looked to man as my idol and definition of who I was.
With my chest heaving as I type each word, I wonder how He could love an unfaithful bride such as me. Ragged, torn, disheveled by the world and its sin and pain. How could He love me?
It doesn't seem possible.
But it is.
Don't you see?
We are all unfaithful brides.
When our Romancer chose us He knew that we would be unfaithful. That we would fail. That we are but dust. He knew and He loved us anyway. He chose us anyway. His love that undying. His grace that scandalous.

In this world, man cannot grasp such a love. Some men in their failure to comprehend add to the Romancer's love to make it more understandable, more logical, more explainable- this is how humanism, legalism and moralism have come into existence. Our human minds can never fathom the unfathomable love of God.

Since when does our righteousness earn the love of our Romancer? Isaiah 64:6 But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags

Since when does our Romancer turn His head from us and remove His love because of our faltering performance or our failure? Romans 8:39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Since when does God take our sins, past, present and future and replay them on a giant video screen to shame us one day? Micah 7:19b You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.
Isaiah 43:25 I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.

The truth is dear beloved one- you may hold your head high as His bride. He knows you, He chose you, He loves you and you are His.
A Divine Romance.
Bought with a price. Forgiven, restored, set free from bondage, adored, pursued, loved with an undying love. Let no one tell you anything less.
You are His.

Journey to Beloved posts may not be reposted, reprinted or distributed in its entirety without express written permission of the author. Links to the article can be freely shared and are very appreciated!

A Divine Romance- Part Two- Hiding From God

2011-07-20T07:50:00.000-05:00

( ...continued from A Divine Romance: Part One- Innocence Lost.)

At the height of the newness of the Divine Romance I stumbled and failed.
I realized that there was no way I could love perfectly or be sinless in my relationship. Even with the best of intentions, I had the power to hurt others, to choose to walk away, to stumble, to be weak and to fail no matter how hard I tried.
At first, such a drastic realization caused me to
hide from God.
I listened to the voice of the accuser that whispered in my ear- "Your precious Love, loves you no longer. You've been discovered for who you truly are. You've failed him, you've disappointed Him, you've angered Him and now His love is gone."
The old, angry voices from my past, who claimed to be representatives of His love and light scream in my ear,

Your Romancer Hates, not loves.
He condemns, He does not offer grace.
His anger hurts, His love is not gentle.

Truth is mingled with lies and our hearts begin to fear the One who loves us.
Somewhere along the way we forget not only whose we are, but who He is.
The honeymoon ends abruptly and our eyes no longer linger in our Romancer's.

Through it all, our Romancer hasn't stopped pursuing us, in fact, His love burns as bright as it did the moment we said,

"I do."

He is faithful.

We are of royal lineage, we have a grand destiny, we are fought for- He is for His beloved.
But somewhere along the journey we give an ear to the harsh voices (within or without) that tell us we are not enough, or too much, we don't measure up, that certainly our Savior, Our Romancer is not pleased with us.
We succumb to the whispers full of lies that cause us to doubt our worth and our identity.
We forget whose we are-
or maybe we never knew?

This kind of identity crisis leaves us vulnerable to seeking the approval of man, at least it did for me...

For several months I harbored a secret.

I assumed a secret Facebook identity with a fake name. I had less than a dozen friends who I allowed into my very real world without a mask- I completely trusted my heart with them while I pretended that all was well in my public world.
I am not ashamed of what I did, I needed my heart to be safe, but I also realize how deeply affected I was by any kind of rejection, condemnation or judgement of man.

When we don't know who He is, when we don't truly grasp His unconditional love for us, we also don't know who we are. We fall into the trap of man telling us who we are.
We believe our only alternative is to enter the masquerade ball and hide.
It is exhausting living two lives.

I remember the first time I posted a picture of me in pants and the time I posted a contemporary Christian song that I loved to my secret page. (The church I came out of believed that it was immodest for women to wear anything but skirts- pants were forbidden and any music with a syncopated beat was believed to be unGodly.)
My heart raced. I felt overcome with fear- what would my closest friends think when they saw me in pants? Was I disappointing God, becoming a rebel and a compromiser for listening to music with a "rock" beat? Did my Romancer still love me? Was He still for me?

I put up the store front window, the perfect reflection of conformity and safety to the world but within me raged a desperate plea for someone to walk in to the doors of my heart and see the woman behind the front and be embraced and loved in all my beautiful mess.
Oh how I forgot to look into the eyes of my Romancer, instead I hid from Him. His love was desperate to answer my greatest heart question- "Will you love me for me?"

" I love you, I love you, I love you so much I died for you..."

Instead of hearing His still small Voice, the louder voices of shame drowned out His Voice of Truth.

At that point all seemed lost. There was no hope.
The greatest of all betrayals- I decided to walk away from my Romancer and seek a new love...
Stay tuned for the finale, part three of the Divine Romance

Journey to Beloved posts may not be reposted, reprinted or distributed in its entirety without express written permission of the author. Links to the article can be freely shared and are very appreciated!

A Divine Romance- Part One- Innocence lost.

2011-07-19T08:01:00.001-05:00

A Divine Romance.
The stage is set.

From before we were born, the God of All, Our Creator, had a plan.

A plan to rescue our hearts.

We were chosen before the foundation of the world to be His bride. His desire was to capture our hearts and so He pursued us and wooed us to Him. The heavens declare His handiwork-
all creation an orchestra of His love.
A love that desires to rescue us, protect us and lavish us.
His voice of love calls out to us, we cannot help but wonder if the tug in our hearts, the void in our depths that beckons us to know Him more will finally find rest in His love.

But one majestic day, we can hold out no longer, our fragile hearts are won.
He gently asks our hand, desires our heart and we choose to say,

"Yes." and then

"I do."

We are His.

His love for us sealed and secure by the gift of His sacrifice- His blood that was shed for us.

In His eyes He sees a spotless bride- beautiful, captivating.

The desire of His heart.

We embark on a journey of love.
We enter into the Divine Romance with grand intentions, with jubilant love, with passion and innocence. Wanting to please our Savior our eyes affixed intently to His.
We set out to reach the world with the good news of His love.
Everything is coming up roses.

Passion, Zeal- we want to grab those who don't know our Love and present them to Him.

What could go wrong?

Me in the dress, my brother in the blue suit and bow tie.

I was at the most 8 years old.
I wanted my little brother to know the freedom of riding a bike. I took my plastic skip rope and tied my bike to his. My heart leaping with joy I rode off down the street, enjoying the wind in my hair, jubilant that my brother could feel the same.
I felt the pull on my bike. A shriek so loud a chill went through me.
There he stood, blood pouring off His face. The skip robe lodged under his small bicycle. My brother's face taking full impact on the pavement.
My first action was to tell my brother to hush, I was going to get in trouble.
He would not hush and so I did the next best thing, I hid behind a bush while my brother stood, blood forming a small pool by his feet.
The Divine Romance called out.
My eyes opened.
Innocence lost.
Even though I had the best of intentions, the thought that I could inflict such pain and damage on another, that I could fail those that I love shook me.
I was an imperfect bride, even in all my striving to do good, to help, I managed to fail.
What would God do if He knew my failure?
Fear whispered in my ear- " Hide! Your precious Love, loves you no longer. You've failed him, you've disappointed Him, you've angered Him and now His love is gone."

and so listened to the hiss of the accuser,

I hid...
( Part two tomorrow)

Cardboard Testimony- Slave to Sin Now Slave to Righteousness

2011-07-18T07:26:00.003-05:00

I grew up in a church that taught that salvation could be earned and lost.

I wanted desperately to love Christ with all of my heart, but I never really knew how.
I never understood that salvation wasn't about what I could do for God,
but rather, what He did for me.
I spent a few of my teen years rebelling and reeling at the thought that I would never be "good enough" for God.

As an adult, I was introduced to the doctrine of grace. I didn't grasp it at first. It didn't make sense. But God opened my eyes to His truth, His Son, and I was compelled to humble myself before God-and my life has never been the same.
All of the sins in my life that I was clinging to were the things that made me happy, comfortable, and miserable all at the same time. By the grace of God, He wiped them clean and made me a new creation in Christ.

I love my Savior and live to serve and glorify Him.
He is my righteousness.
He is my joy.
My very breath.

Today's testimony was sent in by Lori at A Life Time of Learning.

Join the revolution of radical love, brave authenticity and scandalous grace-Send in your cardboard testimony today. Let's show the world that
Jesus Redeems!