Journey to Supermomdom

The Funny Thing About Pain

2012-01-26T00:22:00.002-05:00

I know, my titles are usually weird, but maybe you think this one is weirder than usual. I mean, there are good things about pain -- it tells you you're alive and lets you know when to stop/when you're doing something hazardous to your health and well being. But what can be funny about pain? Well, in my opinion the funny thing about pain is that you can become accustomed to it.

Our bodies are so adaptable. You can become so accustomed to being in pain that it no longer feels painful. It feels normal. You can become so accustomed to being in pain that you don't even realize you were in pain until the pain is gone and then you wonder how long its been gone. Sometimes the absence of pain can almost feel painful. Its like taking a hot shower and gradually turning up the heat until it damages your skin without you even noticing it or boiling a frog. Did you know if you start off with warm water and gradually heat it up, the frog will stay in the pot and be boiled alive?

A while ago, a dear friend commented that in all the time he's known me (about 18 years), I was the most miserable while I was married to Joey. I totally disregarded it as just something people say when you get divorced. Just one of "those" comments that means nothing, but is somehow meant to make you feel better. And then, as I have found myself more, I realized that he was right. As I learn more about the me I am in the aftermath, I can clearly see that I was in pain and now I can feel the pain has receded some and I have no idea when it receded. Or why. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened. I haven't had any magical healing experience. I have only started to get to know myself and started to realize how much I like myself without him here. It is so much easier to like me without being yoked to someone who was supposed to love me, but didn't. Its so much easier to like me when there's no one here to tell me I'm a frog, no one here to turn up the heat. Its like finally exhaling after holding your breath for longer than you ever thought possible or like finally breathing in clean air. Its freeing, liberating, beautiful. Its hard not to inhale too much at once. And its about time.

Maybe I'm just too picky?

2012-01-14T16:19:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'm just too picky or maybe I just know what I want. And I'm fully aware that what I want might not even exist. But I've compromised before and look where that got me. . . not somewhere I would like to be again.

I have no idea what I want or need, but I'm looking for a Christian man who doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs, and is ok with waiting until marriage to have sex. You would think that the Christian part seems to imply the ok with waiting until marriage to have sex part, but I've already chatted with 1 guy online who claimed to be a Christian and the first and only day I spoke to him, he expressed an expectation to have sex -- and soon. Apparently the number 13 following the word mama on a dating site indicates that you have 13 children, which implies that you will indiscriminately have sex with anyone anytime. Oops.

After about a month on the online dating scene, I'm not holding my breath. I'm not even sure if I would want to meet anyone at this point. I want to be ready, but I don't know if I am. I'm just so sick of being lonely.

If you are interested in finding out more about this subject, feel free to check out this blog. Its a very articulately written, humorous blog on this topic and bonus -- I actually know the author in real life.

An Emotional look at Online Dating

2012-01-13T16:02:00.000-05:00

You're probably wondering why I would decide to try online dating. I just got divorced in September. It might seem like this is too soon, but for all practical purposes, I've been alone raising my kids for almost 2 years. For a bit there, I thought my husband was still in it with me, but for all practical purposes I have been alone since May 2010. And for all emotional purposes, I've been alone since October 2010. So that little piece of paper might say the divorce happened in September 2011, but in my heart we have been divorced since he left and never looked back.

But why online dating? Well, I am a single mom of 4 girls who doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs and I don't want to be around people who do these things. I haven't dated since high school. My youngest is 1 year old and it is really hard to leave her and I just can't justify doing so just to go trolling bars in search of men I wouldn't date anyways because I don't want to date anyone who drinks. I don't want to introduce my kids to anyone I'm dating until its serious, so I certainly don't want my kids to be there when we meet. And I have no idea of where to go to meet people besides a bar and I have never been in a bar and don't want to change that. I guess I could meet someone at church, but I go to church every week and so far I have yet to meet anyone.

Its a crappy situation to be in and I have no idea how to fix it. The only thing I could think of to do to try to fix it was to try online dating, so that's what I'm doing. I'm not at the point where I'm willing to pay to try online dating, so I've found a couple free sites and I'm not really that active on them, but it makes me feel better to think that I've done what I can to try to fix it. The rest is up to God.

A Practical look at Online Dating

2012-01-12T15:01:00.003-05:00

I never in my life thought I would dive into the world of online dating, but lately I have been dealing with a lot of stuff that I never thought would happen. I guess that's life. I'll probably do a follow up post on this later regarding why I chose to pursue online dating along with some personal anecdotes regarding experiences I've had so far in this journey, but for now, this is just going to be a factual post about the different online dating sites I've checked out and which I chose to use and why.

Well, first, there are the personal ads on Craigslist. I know, it seems like a weird place to look for companionship. I typically just check craigslist for toys and fridges and then there's that whole Cragslist Killer thing, but I will admit that in a moment of weakness and loneliness I did check out the personals there and let me just say wow. That is all. I did meet a great friend through craigslist, so its not all bad, but I probably got emailed by upwards of 50 people, 49 of which turned out to be skeevy, pervy, creepy, or in some other manner not someone I would choose to continue to speak to via email, much less meet in person. So I guess this venue gets a 2% success rating so far? By the way, the skeeve factor was bad enough that I am no longer posting or looking on here.

Then there's POF. That acronym stands for Plenty of Fish. As in the saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea". Ha ha, very clever, not such a great place to meet people, but it is free and unlike other sites where you can "join for free", you can actually send and receive messages. I don't have a clue how many people have messaged me there, but so far there's been a 0% success rating of finding anyone I would like to continue to speak to via email, much less meet in person. Not sure why I joined it. People do crazy things when they are lonely, so I guess if joining online dating sites is the craziest I've gotten (and it is) then I'm ok with that.

And then there is Single Parent Meet, which advertises a free membership, which turns out to be a membership where you can post your info, but can't contact anyone else or read messages others send you without paying for a membership, which at this point I am not willing to do. I did have a profile on there, but I deleted it when I realized that it was totally pointless.

Christian Mingle is pretty much the same boat as Single Parent meet, the only difference being you can read the messages others send to you, but you can't reply without paying for a membership. I had a profile here, too, but I deleted it for the same reason I deleted the profile on Single Parent Meet.

And then there's OK Cupid. Its another free site where you can send and receive messages without paying for a membership and the best part about this site is there's an app for that.

These are just the sites I've seen, so if you know of any other sites or want to share your personal experiences, feel free to comment. If you are involved in online dating, remember to stay safe. Don't give out any personal information right away, meet the person at a public place, make sure that someone else knows where you are going and when you are going to be there and stick to the plan. Safety first :) That's the most important.

Purposeful Parenting

2012-01-09T11:38:00.005-05:00

I'm all about living propose fully these days and to me, living purposefully is all about putting thought into everything you do. That sounds like a no brainer. I mean, we only have one life and none of us know how long we have, so who would want to waste their time, coasting through life thoughtlessly? You might be surprised by the answer. Coasting through life thoughtlessly is a habit and once started, can be a hard one to break away from. I, personally, spent at least 6 years of my life in this manner and to this day catch myself in the act of acting thoughtlessly. Now that doesn't mean I catch myself doing anything immoral or illegal, just that I catch myself doing without knowing why I am doing what I am doing and I think knowing the why is just as important as the what. If you don't take the time to know why you do what you do then it's much easier to fall down that slippery slope of doing what "everyone else" is doing, which is sometimes ok and sometimes not. But how do you know if you are on the ok path or the not ok path if you don't put any thought into what you are doing?

The same concept transcends into the parenting arena. It seems to me that the more calm, cool and collected parents are those that put a great deal of forethought into their parenting. It also seems to me that parents in general used to put a lot more forethought into their lives prior to having children. First if all, it seems to me that more people married prior to conception and spent time getting to know each other and their own views and their spouse's views on children and child rearing prior to conception. Then when they conceived, they read all the books about what to expect when you're expecting and what to expect the first 4 years and how to shepherd your child's heart. People cared enough to plan what their children would eat, where they would play, what schools they would go to. Everything typical was planned for ahead of time, that way when the child rearing began, they had the time and patience to think about the situation and decide the best course of action to take when something out of the ordinary came up. This might explain why parents had less problems with 12 kids 100 years ago than parents today have with 2. And this is something that is much easier to do before you have kids because, let's face it, kids have a way of making it hard to think clearly.

I, on the other hand, was never going to have kids. So I never thought about how to raise the kids I was never going to have. Then I had my oldest daughter and I was hooked. And 7 years and 3 kids later, I still want more. And 7 years and 3 kids later, I really wish I had done the research and figured out my opinions and stances on parenting. I'm doing it now, but I can really see how it would have been a lot easier to read and comprehend without having to stop every other word or sentence to mother.

To me, the key to purposeful living is knowing yourself, your policies, your authority and then taking all that knowledge and turning it into action. I would be doing a lot better at living purposefully if I didn't find myself falling into old habits of doing without thinking, but I am getting there slowly but surely. Another key is knowing the purpose of your tools and resources. The purpose of parenting books is to provide you with information to help you decide how you want to handle parenting. To help you make up your own mind. To enable you to parent purposefully, not mindlessly.

The Importance of Being 2

2012-01-06T18:31:00.002-05:00

Last night, I was 2 again. It was a crazy day and I made the executive decision not to cook dinner and instead to order pizza. We ordered Dominoes because my mom likes Dominoes and there's an App for that that I wanted to try. Seriously, there's a Domino's Pizza App that has a pizza tracker on it that tells you what stage the pizza is at. When I ordered, it said the pizza would take less than 30 minutes to receive so I promptly forgot about the pizza and played with my 2 year old. About 30 minutes later, it felt like pizza time and I remembered the pizza tracker, so I went to my phone and it said the pizza was out he door and on its way to us. I got the money together and my daughter asked to hold some, so I gave her a quarter to hold and then I decided to be 2 again. I decided we would wait outside for the pizza to be delivered. We did the pizza dance and summoned the pizza's arrival with cat calls of "here, pizza, pizza, pizza". We asked the moon where our pizza was and stomped like elephants and pretended to be hungry pizza monsters. I asked her where the pizza was and she said it was coming and continued to reassure me despite me pointing out that we could not see it. This went on for about 15 minutes. When the pizza dude finally arrived, we learned that they put the garlic on the crust of the first batch of pizzas and had to remake them. I am assuming this occurred after they marked the pizzas out for delivery and I am glad it did because I had such a great time being 2 with Izzy.

And what is the importance of being 2? Freedom. To be excited. To express every thought and bodily function that we experience. To move any way we want to move. To be positive and hopeful despite our circumstances.

I think we should all be 2 on a regular basis, pizza or no pizza. Next time, I'll do it without pizza and let you know which way is better.

The truth about gifts and other things

2012-01-03T19:11:00.005-05:00

What can we say about gifts? Plenty. Especially following the biggest giving season of the year. Whether you got what you wanted, got what you hated or got nothing at all, chances are you have something to say about gifts. Well, here's my say. . .

First, let's discuss the purpose of gifts. In my opinion, there are several purposes, but any gift given without ulterior motives attached should be given for the purpose of bringing someone else joy. Keeping this in mind, gifts should be given to help make the receiver's life easier, provide them with something they need that they otherwise would not have, make them feel special.

Somewhere along the way, people started predetemining gifts, prescribing what gifts should be given when and which gifts were taboo, but I think the best gifts are those that show you that the other person knows you, knows your life, appreciates you and cares about you. The best gifts are gifts that will be used or cherished or both. This seems like a tall order to fill, but really, it isn't. People will tell you what they want or need if you care enough to listen and pay attention.

For example, I told my ex repeatedly that I did not particularly like or use jewelry and that if he was determined to get it for me, I really preferred silver and yet at nearly every gift giving occasion, I received jewelry and it was typically gold. It was nice that he remembered the occasion, but it always hurt that he never seemed to take my preferences into consideration when choosing gifts for me. And with small children who had broken jewelry in the past, it really only got used after he left when I sold it to support my kids. On the other hand, I received the gift of a mug last Christmas that I used daily until its mysterious disappearance which I noticed and mourned. This year, I received a mug from my daughter which I love twice as much because it was from her and because it filled that need that she had listened to me talk about and cared enough to remember.

2012-01-02T13:43:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it really sucks to be a single parent. There's a learning process you have to go through to change from married parenting style to single parenting style and I don't think I've completed that yet. I still find myself trying to play good cop, bad cop and when you're the only cop, you just end up looking like a wishy washy idiot that can't make up your mind and boy do kids know how to capitalize on people who can't make up their minds. They figure if you can't make it up on your own, then maybe they can make it up for you. And if they succeed even once, they will keep it up until you grow a pair and learn how to make up your own mind before you talk to them or until they get their way every time.

It can be an uncomfortable process for all involved and it takes a lot longer to establish your authority once you've shown an inability to make up your own mind and stick with it, but it's worth it. Households ruled by children with usurped authority function much less happily and harmoniously than households ruled by parents using their God given authority. It's had work to weed out the undesirable behaviors and teach your children right from wrong and it's never ending work, just like washing clothes and doing dishes, but just like with chores, if you teach your children to do it the right way, you can the trust them to take over and do it themselves.

But how do we teach our children right from wrong? How do we "make" them obey? The truth is, we can't. We can teach them right from wrong, but we can't make them learn it and we certainly can't force them to do it. Children are not marionettes. They do not have strings that, when pulled, produce results that can be predicted. Sometimes it seems like whenever I figure out something that works with my kids, I changes. They are like kaleidscopes only without the predictable patterns. It's confusing and frustrating and sometimes completely unfathomable to try to parent them because sometimes they make no sense whatsoever. It's easy to get frustrated and forget that sometimes we don't make sense to ourselves and we are adults and we can see inside our own heads. If we can't understand ourselves 100% of the time, then how on God's green earth can we ever expect to understand anyone else 100% of the time, especially someone else that is less developed and has had less time to figure out what they think and want and need.

It's a confusing and frustrating endeavor, being a parent. Not one that should be taken lightly or without thought and consideration and time spent in prayer. Not for the faint of heart or the impatient. Nor the faint of will.

I bet you think this is the part of the blog where I tell you the magic cure to save you time and effort and keep you from getting frustrated, but honestly I am still figuring it out myself and from what I've determined so far, there is no universal rule or shortcut. The most important thing is to love your child(ren) and act accordingly. Teach and lead them out of love. If you are angry or frustrated, take a step back, take a break and wait until you are no longer feeling angry or frustrated and then correct them out of love. Unless they are under 3. If they are under 3, scream into a pillow and correct them right away because if you wait they will have forgotten what they are being corrected for, which makes the correction pointless.

Take the time to get to know your kids, your self and thoughtfully and prayerfully consider every circumstance in consideration of the end goal, which in my case is raising children who will love God and desire to obey Him out of love.

In case you haven't guessed, this is another of my goals for this new year. To parent purposefully.

2011-12-31T13:02:00.003-05:00

Why is it that watching someone else do something makes me want to do it? It is pathetic how suggestible people can be. And sometimes laughable. For example, while watching Julie and Julia, I was inspired to blog. Which I already do. See? Laughable.

Envy is such a silly thing. It starts off benignly and then takes over. It starts with the idea that someone else has it better than you. You see greener grass and assume that the entirety of their existence is better. The grass is greener because their everything is better, not because horses are constantly fertilizing it. We make such assumptions on such a regular basis that they become snap judgements that are automatically credible. Such is the pattern of life for many of us.

Once the thought has taken root, it is like a weed. If not pulled up and destroyed, it takes root, digs down and makes itself at home in your mind, popping up whenever it can. And then it takes over.

Well, that's all good and well. We all know how envy works. Now how do we get rid of it? Well, we can start by voicing our assumptions. It might go something like this:

You: "My what beautiful grass you have."
Neighbor: "Why thank you. Your yard smells wonderful."
You: "Doesn't your yard smell wonderful?"
Neighbor: "Heavens no. It smells like the horse manure that made it so green."

And then suddenly you no longer desire the greener grass because you learned about all the crap you would have to deal with to get grass that green.

Or we could skip a couple steps and fight the compulsion to assume that just because someone else's life has one aspect that appears better than ours, that their entire life is better and work with what we have been given rather than waste our time wishing we could work with what others have been given. Because we really have no idea what someone else is really working with unless we ask. And listen to the answer.

I thereby declare envy a ginormous waste of time and vow to do my best to stop letting it invade my thoughts, heart and life. There is one of my New Year's resolutions. Happy New Year!

The truth about boobs and other things

2011-12-29T18:28:00.002-05:00

In case I haven't done it before, I am about to reveal myself to be a universallist. Now, I am not entirely sure that is a real word because my lovely iPhone wishes to change it into "universal list" so I should probably explain that term. I believe right is right and wrong is wrong, lovely is lovely and ugly is ugly, black is black and white is white and shades of grey are just our attempts to justify doing what we know we really shouldn't be doing anyways.

But what does this have to do with boobs, you might ask. Well, it strikes me as quite hypocritical that boobs are considered lovely when shoved in a way too small bikini, but stick a nipple in a baby's mouth and boobs can make you not only lose your appetite -- those nasty knockers are apparently gross enough to make you lose your desire to continue grocery shopping. So I guess seeing a baby eat is powerfully gross enough to make you never want to eat again. That sounds pretty weird to me, so if you are as confused as I am, you'll have to ask eligible race car driving bachelor Kasey Kayne to explain the logic behind it.

I wonder if anyone bothered to ask Mr. Kayne his opinion on boobs in bikinis or topless beaches. Or topless bars for that matter. I bet it doesn't jive with his opinion of them while breastfeeding.

The funny thing is, while God does intend a woman's body to be pleasing to the eye, I'm fairly certain that their practical purpose was to nourish babies. I guess that shows us how backwards this world is -- that boobs are prized for their aesthetical properties while being vilified for fulfilling their intended function.

Muffins

2011-12-18T21:42:00.003-05:00

Why is it that when you're looking for a recipe, that's the one that is stuck to another page in your cook book? Probably because you spilled something on that page the last time. . .

Well, to make sure that doesn't happen again, here is my muffin recipe. . .

Ingredients:
3/4 cup milk
1/4 cup vegetable oil (I prefer safflower oil with vitamin E in it)
1 large egg
1 tbsp vanilla
1 cup blueberries

2 cups all purpose flour (I prefer King Arthur's brand)
1/2 cup plus 2 heaping tbsp sugar
2 tsp baking powder (I prefer aluminum free)
1/2 tsp salt
cinnamon if desired

Preheat oven to 400 and spray bottom of muffin cups or line with muffin papers.
mix first 4 ingredients with a whisk, add blueberries
sift last 5 ingredients together
add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, stir just until moist (will be lumpy)
fill muffin cups about 2/3 full
bake 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. if in muffin papers, remove immediately. If not, let stand for 5 minutes then remove from pan.

2011-10-22T21:18:00.004-04:00

I don't post pictures of my kids on this blog because I don't want to. I love my kids. I'm very proud of my kids. I think they are adorable and fantastic and wonderful. I sometimes post pictures of my kids on FB, but I don't do it very often for several reasons:
1. I'm pretty sure I don't have any pedophiles on my friend list, but you never know and the idea of anyone getting aroused while looking at pics of my kids is really gross.
2. I'm selfish and I like to keep the cuteness to myself. I know I should share my kids more, but I tend to think if anyone *really* wants to see them, they can see them in real life and take their own pictures to remember the occasion by. And that includes their father. Yes its a bit petty, but I am not going to provide anyone who has not seen my kids in over a year by their own choice with photos to brag about them with. If you want to play daddy of the year, start off by visiting your kids at least 1 time in that year.
3. I'm not really that great of a photographer and don't want to post examples of my shoddy work.
4. There is usually stuff cluttering up my pictures. I do my best to keep our house clean, but with 7 kids and 3 adults running around, stuff gets on the floor, on the couch, on the table. . . everywhere. Rapidly. Without ceasing. Until everyone is asleep. At which time, pictures are no longer being taken. I do my best, but if I were to post pictures online for the world to see, I would want to screen out the pictures that show clutter/messes, which wouldn't leave that many pictures to post. And that would add stress to my life that I just don't want to deal with. It would be a small amount of stress, but stress has a tendency to accumulate quickly in my experience.

I am probably not going to post pictures of my kids in this blog. Ever. Because it is a public blog and anyone can see pictures of them in it and I don't feel comfortable posting pics of my kids that anyone can see. I want my blog to be open and genuine and engaging and I feel like I can accomplish this in my posts through my words. I am not willing to post pictures of every aspect of my life because that's just not me.

Inspiring?

2011-10-21T22:44:00.003-04:00

I read a great new blog the other day and thought "Wow, I wish I could write like that." And be open and engaging and genuine. And then, I realized I can be. . .

Well, I can try, at least.

I always wanted this blog to be a place where I could be me and share parenting tips and be genuine. And then my husband left and I felt like I had to censor every word that I typed, just in case he happened upon this blog and wanted to use it against me in court. Then I got out of the habit of posting because the idea of filtering what I posted was distasteful to me. Well, I'm divorced now and my ex has no desire to have anything to do with our kids, so I think I'm safe to be me, uncensored. Especially since me, uncensored would mostly be G or PG-13 rated anyways. . . Not sure what I thought I was censoring, anyways. Sigh.

I am trying to be a better mom. Which isn't to say I'm a bad mom, just that I think I could do better and I'm trying. And while I'm in the midst of thinking I can do better, people who admire me annoy me, mostly because I'm annoyed with myself because I think I can do better. Its a vicious cycle of annoyance that I wish I could get away from. And getting away from that vicious cycle is one of the ways I think I can do better. Which, I think, is annoying. And the start of another vicious cycle.

I am human. Limited. Finite. At the same time, I have unlimited possibilities and infinite potential. So do I do what I can and leave the rest to God (or whomever he appoints to do the leftover tasks) or do I over-extend myself and reach for the possibilities? I'm leaning towards the former due to my current sleep deficit. But I don't want to get in the habit of just doing what I can and never trying to stretch and do more because I know how hard habits can be to break. And it annoys me.

Today, my girls and I got our hair cut during Love Loud at our church. We went to the same salon our pastor gets his hair cut at and they were incredibly sweet and gracious and they did a fantastic job. And somewhere during that time, I spoke to the hair stylist about the past year of my life and she told me I was an inspiration and that just made me sad. From my perspective, all I have done this past year is take care of my kids while their father chose not to. I don't see that as being inspiring. I see that as a parent doing what a parent should do. And it saddens me to think that I live in a world where a parent acting like a parent is inspiring. It was nice of her to say. I'm sure she was trying to be encouraging, but it was a little depressing. Which is probably, at least in part, the sleep deficit talking. Which is why I am going to stop blogging right now and go to bed and hopefully reduce that deficit a bit. Goodnight :)

Wait, there's life after divorce? Weird. . .

2011-09-30T11:30:00.005-04:00

This has been a very confusing time in my life, a time where I feel as if I am being sifted and measured. . . and typically found lacking. I've spent the past year worrying and stressing and strategizing and trying to figure out how to get here and now that I'm here, I'm not really sure what to do with myself or where to go from here.

Its a relief to no longer worry about and dread the divorce, but at the same time there is a feeling that all that time I spent worrying was a total waste. Why did I worry instead of spending that time figuring out what to do next? Did I think time would stop once I got here, that I'd be given time to think it over before time would continue? Well, it didn't. Now that I'm here, I have to figure out where to go from here and I'm not really sure how to start that process because -- well, I never really thought that I would ever be here. I guess you could say I am totally out of my element.

Time marches on, that's for sure. One thing that I have come to know (even if I haven't learned to utilize it) is that time is the one thing you must pay for everything you do. Everything takes time. And you can't undo or reverse it. You can't get a refund or a do over. Does that mean I have learned time management skills? Heck no. But it does mean that I would like to. Like yesterday ;) Sadly, though, I have also found that if you don't know what you want to do with yourself and your life, you have no destination to aim for and no measuring standard to use to determine what progress you have made toward your goal. Because you have no goal. And "getting through this" is not a goal. Its a coping mechanism. A way to encourage yourself, to tell yourself you will make it past here one day because you're "getting through this" one step at a time. As coping mechanisms go, its great, but as long-distance planning goes, it kinda sucks.

In 4 days, it will be the 1 year anniversary of the day when my life officially changed courses. When I went from a "happily married", stay at home mom, on track and expecting to spend the rest of my life with the man I loved, watching our kids and grandkids grow to being a derailed single mom of 4 -- a displaced homemaker, constantly wondering. Wondering if I'm doing enough to compensate for the fact that their dad left. Wondering if I'm being a good mom and a good dad all at the same time. Wondering how I'm ever going to support my kids when I can't even get a job that would cover the cost of daycare, much less have anything left over to use to support my kids. Wondering what I'm going to do with my life. Obviously I'll always be a mom, but now I have to be more and I have no idea what that more needs to be. Or where to find the time to be it. Or the time to become it. Or how to transform into it.

I'm floundering a little, but I'm still treading water and we'll make it. God is for me, so who can ever stop me? God is with me so what can stand against me?

I'm not really worried about the future anymore. I've seen how God has led me through this divorce to a place where I never intended to be. I've seen how He has taken care of me and walked with me. I've felt His support and love and protection all around me every step of the way. And I am excited to see where we will go next and how we will get there. At this point, I only wished I hadn't spent so much time worrying about what I've already gone through and had spent more time thinking about where to go from here. Or figuring out who I am and what I'm interested in. Its pretty sad (and a little scary) to wake up and realize that you're a 27 year old mother of 4 who doesn't know what she wants to do when she grows up. . . its sad, but I'll get over it and get through it. And I hope that happens sooner rather than later.

Last Meal

2011-09-16T00:06:00.003-04:00

Well, in honor of breast cancer awareness month, I decided to get an adenoma on my nipple. Excellent. And tomorrow, I'm going to the hospital to have it removed then biopsied to see if it is malignant or benign. So tonight I had to stop eating and drinking 7 minutes ago. My "last meal" was a favorite of mine -- a 2 egg omelet (made from eggs my sister got from a friend who has her own chickens and yes, that does make a difference) with my own salsa in it (2 habanero peppers, 1 onion, 1 tomato and as much spinach as the liquid in the other 3 ingredients would contain) and cheese with sour cream and avocado on top with blueberries and kiwi and a cup of tea. . . I have surgery tomorrow at 4:30 pm so I'm going to be one hungry bear tomorrow. I sure hope I don't growl at the girls. . .

Scraping off the paint

2011-08-20T23:48:00.004-04:00

There is a poem I read as a teenager that I've always loved. Its called Paintbrush, author unknown, and I read it in a Chicken Soup for The Teenage Soul book:

I keep my paintbrush with me,
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up,
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show me to you,
Afraid of what you'll do,
That you might laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all of my paint coats,
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You're my friend pure as gold.
I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
And hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy,
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true.
But I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
Until I love me too.

I loved this poem. It was my mantra. It reinforced the idea that it was ok to act like someone I wasn't to protect myself. And I guess that was ok for then.

But I think I've finally gotten to the point where I love me, too. So now I am trying to strip off all my paint coats and show everyone the real, true me. Because I've seen the damage that comes when you marry someone while you've got your paintbrush handy. . . and it ain't pretty. I never want to make that mistake again.

Part of the problem, though, is I don't really know who I am. I'm still trying to figure that out. And maybe I won't ever figure that out completely. Right now, I know that I am a child of God, a single mother to 4 beautiful girls, a daughter, a sister, a friend. . . I try to do my best in everything I do. I'm not perfect. I'm opinionated, bossy, and intollerant of stupid people. I love children and cats and dogs (as long as they belong to someone else), good times, good friends and good food. I love life, fiber arts, and I want to learn how to dance. I'm sure I'll change and learn more about me along the way, but that's who I am now and I love me. :)

What the Bible has to say about divorce

2011-08-05T15:30:00.004-04:00

Well, first of all the Bible says that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), but allows for divorce for "just cause" which specifically includes adultery (Matthew 5:32) and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15) and God's mercy allows for the innocent party (the party that did NOT commit adultery or abandon their spouse) to remarry; however, they are not permitted to remarry their spouse (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). God takes relationships seriously. They are not revolving doors. Marriage is intended to be permanent and so is divorce.

I admit, I have said aloud a couple times that I am going to divorce Joey no matter what at this point, but we could always get back together and get remarried later if he were to get saved and repent of his adultery and abandoment, along with many, many other "ifs". I said this, never expecting that any of my "requirements" for a restored relationship will ever be met and to date they have not, but I will not be saying that any longer. Now that I know remarriage is against the Bible, it is no longer discussable even in theoretical terms. I am not in any way having 2nd thoughts regarding going through with this divorce; however, I wonder if he is keeping me in the back of his mind as a "backup plan" in case his life does not go as he hopes it will. I am NOT a backup plan.

God compares infidelity in marriage to idolatry (infidelity in your relationship with God) and describes marriage as 2 fleshes becoming 1, which means divorce is when 1 flesh is ripped in 2. No wonder it causes so much pain.

I know I am spending a lot of time blogging about divorce lately, but I suppose that is only natural. I blog what I know and what I'm learning about and right now, I am getting a crash course in divorce. Its not something I ever wanted to learn about or was ever curious about before, but I hope my going through this and learning more about divorce will help someone else. And that is why I blog it.

Me and my "D"

2011-08-04T23:11:00.002-04:00

Divorce.

Its a bad word. A bad thought. And a necessary evil in a time when people, for whatever reason, think they are entitled to have and do whatever they want whenever they want, regardless of how it affects others.

Want a new watch, but don't have the money for it? Charge it on a credit card. Who cares about your credit. . . After all, the economy's shot anyways. What's the point in having good credit in a country that has bad credit? Think that girl in the bar is hot, but you're married? Go after her anyways. Who cares if your marriage ends in divorce. . . After all 50% of the population's doing it.

Sin is a tempting, slippery slope that drags you down and while you fall, everyone connected to you is either drug down with you or muddied in the process of fighting to break free from you so as not to be drug down with you. But those who are bound and determined to do and have what they want when they want without any regard to how their actions and the repercussions of their actions affect others probably don't care if you get a little muddy in the process.

How do we get in this position? Well, its very simple and very complex, all at the same time.

First of all, good people do bad things. There is a 50% rate of divorce among Americans these days and there is a 50% rate of divorce among Americans who consider themselves to be Christians as well. Sin is tempting. It happens. Especially if you don't guard yourself and your marriage against it.

Secondly, people don't take as long to get to know the the person they are marrying these days. "Way back when" people would date a bunch of different people to figure out what they wanted in a mate, then date one person exclusively for years then get engaged and stay engaged for years and then get married. They also stayed celibate in the process. So they had lots of time to examine their potential partner for inconsistencies, incompatibilities, and fatal flaws with none of the sex induced emotions clouding their judgement. And its no surprise if someone can wait years to have sex with you that they can later abstain from having sex with anyone BUT you.

Third, we have the unequally yoked issue. Yes, I know, I just said that Christians are just as likely as non-Christians to get divorced. I'm not sure about the statistics of cheating, but I would like to think that if you believe it to be against your religion [Exodus 20:14 (the 7th of the 10 commandments) "You shall not commit adultery."], you're probably less likely to do it than someone who does not think its against their religion. Also, I would like to think that 2 people who have the same beliefs are going to be more compatible than 2 people that have completely different beliefs. I could be completely wrong, but that's what I'd like to think.

And fourth, we all need to grow up and if we are grown up, we need to make sure we marry a grown up. We can't always have what we want when we want it. Some of our parents didn't teach us that and as a result, we don't discipline ourselves or delay our own gratification. We just give in to temptation because we want it and if we don't get it, we'll have to throw a fit and we don't look cool going floppy fish in our 20s, so we might as well just have what we want. Because we can. I know, if you've never been told "no" in your life, its hard to tell yourself "no", but remember 1 Corinthians 10:23 -- "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Do what is good for you, what is beneficial and constructive FOR YOU. And in this case, it will be beneficial for everyone around you. No one benefits from adultery, broken homes, or broken marriages. Just ask the guy who cheated on me and will be paying child support for his 4 kids for the next 18+ years. I think he'd agree at this point that it wasn't beneficial to him. And if he doesn't now, give him a few years to grow up and I'm sure he'll agree then.

Divorce is ever on my mind these days. I don't want to be divorced. I don't "believe in" divorce. But I'm going to be divorced and right now, I feel like I have a big D on my chest, like I'm trying a D shirt on for size and I hate it. I feel like my every thought is clouded by divorce colored glasses. And I hate it. I know its what's right in my current situation. I know you can't fix a marriage by yourself. I know that adultery is an acceptable reason according to my Bible for divorce as is abandonment. I know God has a plan for my life and me going through this is part of His plan. I will walk through this valley if He wants me to and I will come out of this valley one day. And I know He will be with me every step of the way. And I am so thankful for that.

I know I'm usually much more positive than this, but man I just had to get that D off my chest for a minute and express my thoughts and feelings on divorce. Here's to hoping someone out there is helped by this.

This might be. . . take your freedom ;)

2011-07-29T21:49:00.004-04:00

The other day, it seemed like everywhere I looked, there were people in love and kids with their fathers and all I could think about was how we're missing out on that and how unfair this is and how wrong this is. You shouldn't promise to love and be faithful 'til death do us part and keep your end of the deal only to later find out your spouse did not. It sucks and would not happen in a perfect world.

And then I heard this song on the way home and it totally changed my perspective. Yes, this still sucks and its still wrong and it still should have never happened. But maybe I get to have my cake and eat it, too. I mean, I have my wonderful kids and I get to keep them and they are the BEST part of our relationship. And now I get a do over on the rest. That wasn't my last first kiss (I hope). And that crappy proposal over the bathroom sink while brushing my teeth might not always be the proposal I think of when I see a proposal scene in a movie. I'll always have my kids and now I get a chance to find someone who loves me the way I need to be loved. If that person exists. And if not, I'm no longer stuck with someone who doesn't want to be stuck with me. I'm free.

And then I heard this song and it didn't hurt and I didn't immediately change the channel on the radio and I realized how far I've come. Sure I still have mornings when I wake up and think "maybe it was all a nightmare." because it is. But at the same time, whatever part of me was hoping he would come back and say he made a mistake is totally gone. I don't think of him most days. And when I do, there is no longing for him to return. I'm healing. I'm on my way. To where? Who knows. I'm just glad I'm not where I was. . .

2011-07-27T14:39:00.003-04:00

I don't know who I am. There it is. The root of all my insecurity. When I got married, I was a baby. A bad-assed little 19 year old baby who was carrying a baby of her own, but a baby nonetheless when you consider how little I knew of myself and what I wanted out of life. 7 years later, I am still a baby. I guess that means my growth as an individual has been retarded.

To be honest, its mostly my fault because I chose to look to others for guidance on EVERYTHING. And when I made decisions, half the time I allowed my decisions to be changed by others. Research is time consuming and making up your mind is just too taxing with a million different options to choose from and its hard to stand up for your decisions when they aren't firmly made and others you respect and care for oppose them. Its far too easy to fall into the trap of "what if I make the wrong decision" and instead make no decision at all, or allow others to make your decisions so if something goes wrong you always have someone else to blame them on.

Well, that works fine when your married (minus the fact that you're setting your spouse up to be the one who always made the wrong decision), but it doesn't work nearly as well when you're a single parent. Doing 2 people's jobs and not getting paid for either, but being responsible for all. Its hard. Its time consuming. Its daunting. AND ITS WORTH IT.

I know I talk about being intentional a lot. Mostly, I am talking to me because its easy for me to fall into unintentionally doing stuff and I feel that that is wrong. That is something wrong I have been doing for a long time. And I am trying to break that habit. I don't think life is meant to be easy. I don't think its really the easy way out either. I think in the long run, we will be held responsible for all our decisions, whether intentional or passive. You can totally glide through life. I have done it. But the mainstream does not take me anywhere I want myself or my children to be and I've decided going against the tide is worth the work I have to put into it.

I am slowly but surely learning more about myself and my capabilities, more about what I want out of life, and more about God and I am going to continue down that path, walking intentionally every step of the way and remembering that I have 4 little girls shadowing my every move. Its a hard job, but somebody's gotta do it and I'm really glad that God decided that somebody got to be me.

Blueberries anyone?

2011-07-21T19:13:00.002-04:00

My favorite food is blueberries. My favorite meal is breakfast, likely because most of the ways I know of to eat blueberries are for breakfast. Although, I do have to admit that I eat them for snacks, too. Also, just because they are there, because I want something sweet or "just because".

Here are some of my favorite ways to eat blueberries, which I make as often as possible.

homemade waffles using krusteaz waffle mix, with cool whip and berries on top

Our special 4th of July cake, a devil's food cake (from boxed mix) with cool whip as icing and berries to make it look like a flag. The kids had a blast helping to make it.

They also had a blast helping to eat it. This is Addy and Evie enjoying our special 4th of July cake.

Yogurt parfait with Greek God's brand greek yogurt, honey flavored, with muesili and berries on top. This one has cool whip on top, too.

Yogurt parfait without cool whip on top, same recipe as above.

One of my favorite places to be during the month of July is Berry Patch Farms. I like it in fall, too, when they have pumpkins, but throughout the month of July, blueberries are in season.

You see, I am a foodie. And blueberries are my favorite. And Berry Patch Farms is my favorite place to get them. Berry Patch Farms is a pick your own farm. They do not ever spray pesticides on their blueberries, so its perfectly safe to pick blueberries off the trees and eat them as you go. They encourage you to when you get there. They provide the buckets, bags and berries and they mark the trees that have poison ivy on them so that you don't get unwittingly exposed to that ick. You pick the berries and pay $2 a pound for the ones that manage to stay in the bucket long enough to be weighed. The girls and I spent an hour there 2 weeks ago while we were house sitting. We went at 7:30 at night so Izzy wouldn't have any issues with the sun and we had a blast. The girls stayed with me, Addy served as the foghorn to let us know if we came within 10 feet of a pink ribbon (poison ivy indicator), we ate about 3 lbs of blueberries in the process and took home 1 lb, which means our outing cost $2, 5-10 minutes for the trip there, another 5-10 for the trip back and was the perfect outing to help the kids fall into exhausted sleep as soon as we got home. Which was bliss for me :)

Ice cream and redonkulous cat-tastrophies

2011-07-19T23:31:00.002-04:00

Before you read this, please understand I am EXHAUSTED. So if I make no sense, that's why.

Today, I had a thought. Marriage is like putting ice cream in a cone, then problems come and life "heats up" and the ice cream and cone fuse together, cone gets gooey, ice cream melts and imagine trying to separate the ice cream from the cone at this point. That is called divorce.

I had another thought -- well, actually, a couple of connected thoughts -- today. We'll call it wisdom gleaned from Shrek Ever After. If you haven't watched the movie, these next 2 points will probably make you scratch your head in confusion.

1. Don't be a Rumplestinkypants. First of all, "no one wants to make a deal with you, Mr. Rumplestinkypants." Don't be a parent that "makes deals." This is not "Let's make a deal," you are responsible for your kids and you have to make decisions and be the parent. Not be the deal maker. Secondly, when your kids are talking to you, don't dismiss what they are saying immediately. Listen, process, then respond. Sometimes they have some great ideas that we just dismiss immediately and harshly, hurting their feelings in the process. Some "witches" can be un-melted with time, others can't be and anyways, whether you can unmelt the witch or not is not the point. If you can avoid having problems altogether just by listening and thinking before you respond, you should.

2. Be Redonkulous. Frequently. Laughter is wonderful for the soul and for the parent/child relationship. And for the post-baby belly. So the next time your kid does something redonkulous or cat-tastrophic or just plain annoying and stressful, just laugh for a minute. You'll laugh, they'll laugh, everyone will get a good laugh and come out less stressed. It really is worth it.

So that's all my wisdom for today and I'm too tired to figure out a cute sign off, so have a good night.

Friday Night Fever

2011-07-18T01:16:00.001-04:00

Well, maybe not fever, but a darn good time. . .

This Friday night, I went to a Single Mother's Banquet at my church. I am in a single mom's Sunday school class and once a year they have a banquet for all the single moms. We had prime rib (I don't really eat beef, but I ate it and it tasted ok, but made me feel like crud afterwards), double chocolate cake, spinach, walnut, boiled egg and cranberry salad, and some veggies.

We listened to one of the ladies who sings in our choir sing Stronger by Mandisa, which I think is going to be my new theme song, and Lori Salierno spoke. It was fantastic. Lori definitely has the gift of gab and she really helped me a lot. I know it sounds stupid, but there was a small part of me that thought "if I was really a good Christian, Joey leaving shouldn't bother me. . ." but having someone who works in ministry struggle with the pain from divorce and her husband's infidelity just kinda freed me to feel how I feel without feeling guilty. I met a couple new IRL friends and just had a fantastic time. I wish I had taken pictures, but my sister hasn't found the charger for the camera she's letting me use yet, so I'll just have to add some pics later, I guess.

Sadly, that and going to a movie at the church with my single mom's Sunday school class is the only 2 Friday night events I've been to since before my husband left, so when I say I'm a homebody, I really do mean it. . . but I'm working on it, too. Both those events were in the last 6 weeks, so I guess I'm getting better.

The pizza is good.

2011-07-03T10:44:00.002-04:00

Its funny how, when you are mourning, which often happens on unintended journeys, the stupidest things can make you sad. Like pizza. Wo gets sad about pizza? Its cheesy and its yummy. . . Its a comfort food. . . and I used to make it with my husband.

I love pizza. Even when it makes me sad. And I'm not going to stop making or eating pizza just because it makes me sad. But I can't help but thin, while making it, about the fact that my husband isn't here and probably never will be again. And its not bcause he's dead. And its not because of anything I did. Its because one day he woke up and decided he just didn't want to be there anymore. One day, he decided being able to walk into a bar, drink as much as he wants and take home anyone who's willing to go with him was worth more than having a wife and 4 kids at home who adore him.

So here I am, making pizza by myself. Neing sad and lonely. Or as lonely as you can bewith 4 children ALWAYS there. And I know it won't last forever. And I hope someday I'll meet someone new. But for now, here I am. . . the pizza is good btw :)

We Buy Gold. . .

2011-06-30T12:45:00.002-04:00

Have you ever seen those signs that say "WE BUY GOLD" and wondered how that works? Well, I used to wonder. . . now I know.

Let me preface this by saying I don't particularly like jewelry. And I especially dislike gold. I prefer silver and always have. All of which my husband knew. And yet, somehow I wound up with a pile of jewelry -- most of which was gold. I guess that should have been a sign right there that something was wrong, but when you don't WANT something to be wrong, you don't look for signs that something is wrong. And now, I'm kind of glad that he got it for me.

Last Friday, I got sick of seeing it. I'm never going to wear it again and there is NO WAY I would jinx my kids with it, so I decided to get rid of it. Well, that's easier said than done and I couldn't afford to get cheated since I have 4 kids to raise and next to no help from their father, so I decided to visit a couple places before making my decision on who to sell it to.

The first place I went to had the "We Buy Gold" sign. It was Southeast Gold Buyers. It seemed legit. They had to buzz you in the door, paid you via check, and they even do "gold selling parties" which are like tupperware parties, only you get a bunch of your friends and their gold together and you all sell your gold. . . and that's when it started looking pyramidal. See, if you have a gold party, you get a percentage and bonuses, etc, etc, etc. . . So I sat down with a nice, pretty, friendly sales associate named "Kaley G." (at least, that's what she wrote on my card that she gave me). First, she waved a magnet over my jewelry to make sure none of it was magnetic (which would mean it was mixed metals and not pure gold/whatever). Then, she separated out the different types (10k, 12k, 14k, and sterling silver), then she weighed each (I had 6.6 of 10k, 4.8 of 14k, and 28.4 of sterling silver according to her scales) and gave me a price. Her first price was $148 which was including a 20% add on coupon from online. I said thanks, but I'm going to get another offer or two before I sell to anyone. At which point and time, she became a car salesman --er car saleswoman. She called her boss "to see if she could offer me a better price and save me gas and time driving around town to get better offers." Her boss said she could go up to $175. I said thanks again, but I was still going to get some other offers and she made a last ditch offer of $200 and told me that she could beat anyone else's offer by 10% as long as that didn't bring the price up more than $50 from where it was now (so max of $250) and she could still give me the $200 if I came back before 6 pm that day. At this point, I have a screaming baby and a very bad taste in my mouth from the whole experience because, let's face it, "selling" to me seems synonymous with "lying" and I'm not a big fan of that. Don't tell me you can only give me $148 and that's a good deal because that is including 20% more than your usual pricing and then turn around and tell me well actually you can go $175 then well, actually $200, then well, actually 10% more than anyone else up to $185. I'm not going to bite and I'm probably going to get angry with you for being full of bull. So I leave, hoping that I can find someone else that will give me more and I won't have to deal with her bull again.

Then I go to a jewelry store. Its apparently called "Gold Rush", but the sign just says "Jeweler" in big, green letters. Very creative. The man who worked there (I didn't get his name) did the same routine, checked for magnetism, verified the weights and types (Southeast Gold Buyers had actually put a 10k gold ring in the 14k gold pile), checked the stock market to see the current price of gold and gave me a price of $285. No haggling, no bull. I told him thank you very much, I am going to go a few more places, but I'm sure I'll be back because this is the best price so far. He was nice, polite, kind and he gave me a price of $35 more than Southeast Gold's "top price" -- even with Southeast Gold counting me as having more 14k than I actually had -- right off the bat without making me have to deal with a bunch of bull first. It was very refreshing and I thought it was cool that he used real time stock market info to figure out pricing.

Then I went to A&M Gold Company. They did the same routine as everyone else and offered me $300. So I told them I was going one more place and then would probably be back because they were the best price I'd gotten so far. The man was nice and polite, kind of a throwback, though. He used a calculator to figure out the offering price and he used it like my dad does (pressing enter a bunch of times when he's done LOL).

Then I went to Kaminski Jewelery. . . You know, "You wantski good priceski come in and see Kaminski." That was a really cool experience. I got to meet Carol Kaminski. She's the owner of the company and has been on billboards and in her own commercials for as long as I can remember. Meeting her was kind of like meeting a celebrity. She was so nice and down to earth, though. It was refreshing. They took my jewelry behind the scenes, but I'm sure they did the same procedure everyone else did, check for mixed metals, separate and weigh. They offered me $295.

So, all in all, it was a great experience. I probably could have haggled and got a the $300 out of Kaminski, but I didn't feel like playing games and had to drive right by A & M to get where I was going anyways, so I took the jewelry back to A & M and got my $300.

BTW, in GA you have to present a photo ID, sign your name and place your thumb print on the page with a copy of your ID and your signature on it to sell gold. Its a law apparently. I guess it makes sense as far as deterring people from selling stolen jewelry, but whether it makes sense or not, that is the process.

So if you are selling jewelry in the Woodstock area, I would recommend A&M Gold Company first, then Kaminski Jewelry, then Gold Rush. . . but don't go to Southeast Gold Company. They will low-ball you, lie to you and sweet talk you into thinking you're getting a great deal in the process. Sure, they have a A+ BBB rating. . . because their customers don't know any better. Don't be that customer and don't waste your time. A & M will give you twice what Southeast initially offers you, but really pretty much anywhere is better than Southeast Gold Company. And the sad thing is, they are all doing the exact same thing, melting down the gold and selling it to someone else. I guess that means the PSA of the day is be careful who you sell to. . .

Anyways, good luck and happy gold sales.