Journey to Surrender

A True Love Story

2013-06-18T19:12:00.000-04:00

I started off my True Love series with a challenge, in which I asked the question:

"What is Love?"

I have five posts so far in my "True Love" series, but honestly, the video below does more to show what true love is than a hundred and five posts.

Please take three minutes to watch this video and find out what true love looks like in real life.

True Love Redeems

2013-06-10T19:55:00.000-04:00

Redemption, when rooted in love, brings about deep intimacy.

I’m picking up again on my “True Love” series, looking at some of the many marvelous ways Jesus displays love to us and seeing what we can learn for our marriages by His example.

If you are a Christ-follower reading this, then you have experienced Jesus' redemption for yourself:

I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death…
Hosea 13:14 (NKJV)

and

[Jesus] gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself His own special people...
Titus 2:14 (NKJV)

What was the reason for God to send Jesus to redeem us? Love. He did it for love. He did it so He could have intimacy with us forever. Yes, Jesus died to take care of our sin and shame once and for all, but His goal was intimacy.

Redemption born of love brings intimacy.

Beyond Christian circles the concept of redemption doesn't get much play in our society. So let me bring in a few choice selections from dictionary.com:

to recover (something pledged or mortgaged) by payment or other satisfaction: to redeem a pawned watch.
to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.): His bravery redeemed his youthful idleness.
to obtain the release or restoration of , as from captivity, by paying a ransom.

Most of the modern uses of "redeem," and many of the dictionary definitions I didn't include here, have to do with financial transactions. But the redemption I'm writing about today is actually a true love expression. God is by nature a lover and a redeemer. He wants to redeem your marriage.

Redemption in Your Marriage

Where do you need a little redemption in your marriage?

Have you lost something that you need to recover: your sex life, trust, faith, emotional closeness?
What circumstances do you need turned around: financial hardship, wayward child, infidelity, in-laws?
Where do you need a divine exchange: healing for pain, prosperity for poverty, wholeness for brokenness?
What bondage are you in that you need freedom from: food addictions? alcohol? porn? spending?

God is more than able and more than willing to take our messes and redeem them into a work of beauty. Do you believe it?

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Not some things. Not most things. All things. This is not just a trite saying. It is powerful truth. Believe it, and look to God in faith for the redemption he promises - for the redemption that was accomplish already for us by Jesus.

Your Love Can Redeem Too

Yes, God is a redeemer, and I love that about Him. But guess what! You can also be a redeemer in your marriage. You too have the power to make something good from something not so good.

How might you redeem things in your marriage?

Ever hear of make-up sex? That's redemptive love in action!
Is there a part of you that you've been withholding from your husband or wife because you don't feel you are getting what you want from him or her? You can redeem your pattern of withholding by freely giving whatever it was, without the expectation of getting something in return.
Forgiveness is a form of redemption. Are there past hurts that you say you've forgiven, but that you secretly hold onto? Do you keep them as a weapon to use during future disagreements? Let them go fully and forget them completely.
If you find yourself on the other end of stick, being the one with the hurtful behavior, redeem yourself by owning up to your mistakes. Take personal responsibility and ask for forgiveness. Let go of defensiveness and excuse making. Seek a change of heart.
Are there areas where your spouse is falling short of your expectations? You can redeem their shortcomings by releasing them from your expectations and responding to him or her as if they are already fully meeting your needs and desires. Look for, emphasize and celebrate the good you see in your spouse.
Where have you allowed fear or shame to get a foothold, keeping you from the kind of intimacy you desire in your marriage? Redeem the time you have lost to the forces to fear and shame. Ask God to help you break free of these strongholds, to push past them and the leave them permanently behind you for the sake of intimacy.

The Way of Redemption

I love the story of redemption in the book of Hosea. At God's direction, Hosea marries a prostitute. Eventually she seeks out the arms of other men, but these men ultimately reject her. Incredibly, instead of abandoning Gomer, Hosea takes her back again. His love is unrelenting, even in the face of her disgraceful and hurtful behavior. It's a picture of the relentless way God loves us, even in our wandering ways. Baker's Theological Dictionary sums it up this way:

The love of God for his people is more graphically portrayed by Hosea than any other Old Testament prophet. Refusing to give up on Israel, God continued to seek their return even in their apostate condition.

In the same way, Jesus gave his life to redeem ours while we were a total mess. He told us that there is no greater love than to give your life for another. Give your life for and to your spouse - give yourself completely, holding nothing back. There is no greater love than this.

And don't forget, the true purpose of redemption is intimacy!

Do you have a story of where God has redeemed something in your marriage? Has he taken a mess and turned it around into something good? Have you seen redemption by your spouse at work in your marriage? Share your stories of redemption in the comments.

Links To More on True Love:

True Love Puts Relationship Ahead of Rules
True Love Pursues Relentlessly
True Love Doesn't Expect Something in Return
True Love Serves

photo credit: nyul / 123rf.com

Reclaiming the Marriage Culture

2013-05-30T19:57:00.000-04:00

It's Time For the Church To Do More To Create a Marriage-Positive Culture - And the Church is US!

I recently learned a statistic that amazes me: there are an estimated 3.9 million “mommy blogs” in North America. Does that rather large number blow your mind like it does mine?

It's a good indicator of the substantial network of help and support that is available to moms, which is actually a great thing. It seems that moms (and dads) everywhere are concerned about parenting their children well, and many are turning to the web for help.

Picking Priorities

Churches also tend to place a high priority on parental support and children's ministry. I would venture to say there are few churches that do not have some type of “Mother’s Group” or "Mom's Day Out." Virtually every church has a children’s ministry, often including staff paid to oversee the ministry to children. (Full disclosure: my wife is on staff in children's ministry in our church).

Our society's effort to parent well is wonderful. However, the truth is that the very best thing you can do for children is to have them in a home environment with a strong, loving and passionate marriage. Period.

I often speak to couples about the importance of making their marriage a priority, even above their children. Unfortunately, society in general (and the church in particular) doesn't typically operate under these priorities.

A Post-Marriage Society?

In many ways we are becoming a post-marriage society. The marriage rate has dropped more than 20 percentage points from 1960 to 2010 (from 72% to 51%), according to a 2011 Pew Research Study.

These numbers are even more startling if you look at young people. In the same time period, in the 18-24 age range, marriage dropped from 45% to 9%. In the 25-34 age range the decrease was from 82% to 44%. Stunning. Stunning and sad.

As bad as these numbers are for marriage, the implications for children make it worse: The decline in marriage may also affect conditions for the younger generation, because of the growing number of children born to unmarried parents. In 2008, nonmarital births accounted for 41 percent of all births in the United States. Although roughly half of these nonmarital births are to cohabiting couples, these unions tend to be less stable and have fewer economic resources compared with married couples.Therefore, declining marriage rates put more children at risk of growing up poor, which can have lasting consequences for their health and future economic prospects.
~Population Resource Bureau

I believe these are more than statistics. I believe this breaks God's heart.

Too Little, Too Late

Of course there are a lot of marriage resources on the web as well.

However, in the few years I’ve been blogging I’ve made an observation about the people perusing the pages of marriage blogs. Not including friends and family, there are basically two reasons people find themselves reading a blog like mine. First, there are those having marriage difficulties and are seeking answers for their problems. Second, there are marriage bloggers and others involved in helping marriages who are trying to equip themselves for the task and network with like-minded people.

There's an interesting and important difference in the blogosphere between the parenting blogs and those focused on marriage. My perception is that parents (mostly moms) seem to know that they face a challenging road in raising their children, and they are proactive about seeking help and support in their journey. In contrast, it seems married folks often wait for the trouble to start, maybe even for the trouble to reach a crisis point, before seeking out help and support.

We seem to know that raising kids is a big and important challenge, but we don't seem to understand that having a great marriage takes similar dedication and effort.

We expect great marriages to "just happen." We make the mistake of thinking that if two people love each other, that's enough to make a great and enduring marriage. It's not!!

Reflecting Culture vs. Impacting It

Many churches, though certainly not all, reflect these same two common societal maladies by:

Misguided priorities - Placing a higher priority on children (i.e. children's ministry) than on marriage (and marriage ministry)
Waiting Until Too Late - Focusing our efforts on marriages already in crisis (or even on divorce recovery and pre-marital counseling) rather than on making "average marriages" great

In one sense I can't blame the church. We are obviously trying to minister to the felt needs of society in the ministries we offer. But I strongly believe that if we are to make strides in overcoming our prevailing post-marriage society, we are going to have to go beyond reflecting the culture.

Instead reflecting the culture, the church needs to set about influencing it. And guess what? The church is US!

What Can We Do?

Reclaiming a culture of marriage is not going to come from society at large. It has to come from the church. I have said many times before that the church should have the most amazing marriages because we have the inside track: a personal relationship with the creator of marriage. Sadly, it isn't really so, at least not to the extent that it could and should be.

We need to move beyond whining and hand-wringing over the state of marriage in the US. We need to take action - bold action.

1) Speak Up For Marriage - When you hear others denigrate marriage, speak up for the institution. Arm yourself with the relevant statistics on what our country's retreat from marriage has cost us economically, spiritually and societally. Understand how a post-marriage society puts kids at risk. Be able to intellegently defend the fact that traditional marriage is the essential support system for our society.

2) Promote your own marriage - How do you talk to others about your own marriage? Do put down and complain about your spouse publicly? Stop it! Instead, go out of your way to show your honor, respect and love for your spouse to those around you. Nothing promotes marriage like great marriages.

3) Advocate for marriage ministry in your own church - Church leaders will tend to offer ministries that church members ask for the most. So ask! Make it clear that you are looking for more than just crisis marriage support, but something to promote healthy marriages throughout the church: marriage-focused small groups, marriage-oriented Sunday school classes, marriage retreats, etc. Be willing to volunteer to help with such a ministry.

4) Mentor other couples - If you feel your marriage is above average, be deliberate about engaging with other couples whose marriage appear a bit rocky. If your marriage is visibly great, you will find that couples will actually seek you out. Don't ever stop working to make your own marriage great!

Let's hear it. I'm sure you've got some other ideas of what else we can do to reclaim the marriage culture in our country. Are you ready and willing to do what it takes? Let's join together to make it happen!

If you are from a country other than the USA, I would love to hear what is happening with marriage in your culture!

Being Salt and Light With Your Marriage - from Journey to Surrender
Are you Promoting (Your) Marriage - from Journey to Surrender
Are We Becoming a Post-Marriage Society? - from Journey to Surrender
The Church and Marriage: Are We Doing Enough - from Mission Husband

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The "One Thing" Your Marriage Needs

2013-05-28T23:10:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. It's been over three weeks since I've posted here. Believe me, it hurts me more than it does you! I have a few posts in the works and hope to be back to a more regular writing schedule soon.

In the mean time, I have a guest post over at the Hope at Home blog this week. Here's a teaser and a link to the rest...

You have probably heard the story of Mary and Martha dozens of times. (If you want to reread the account in Luke 10 click here.) As familiar as this story is, have you ever tried to apply this scripture to your marriage?

On my blog, I often explore ways in which spiritual truths translate into marital truths. After all, our relationship to Jesus as our bridegroom is a picture of what marriage is designed to be. How excellent is it that we get to be “married” to the one who designed marriage in the first place?

So back to our story of Mary and Martha. There are two phrases in these verses that strike me as important in applying them to your marriage.

Keep Reading Over at Hope at Home...

Five Big Marriage Mistakes

2013-05-06T14:54:00.001-04:00

Big Marriage Mistakes You May Not Even Know You Are Making

I don't usually like to write from the negative. In general I think it is more helpful to speak to the positive things you can do to build up and strengthen your marriage.

But what if there are things you are doing to hurt your marriage that you aren't even aware of doing? That's the reason for today's post - to make you aware of some subtle but potentially marriage-destroying actions and outlooks that could be affecting your marriage relationship without you even knowing it.

As you read through the list below, take the time to do some serious introspection. Ask yourself if you have slipped into any of these behaviors, even partially.

1) Missing the Purpose

"The purpose of my marriage is mostly to get what I want and need in order to make me happy."

I put this one first, because I think this kind of thinking is much more prevalent that many people even realize.

We have a very "me-centered" culture, and that culture almost can't help but seep into marriages. Thinking that your marriage is mostly about getting what you want, however, will set you up for a life of marital discord and struggle.

I have an interesting dichotomy for you to ponder. You need to own your own happiness and not put the responsibility for it on your spouse. But you also need to live as if you own your spouse's happiness too. Do all in your power to bless him or her, to give yourself fully to your marriage and to live a life of selfless love.

2) Focusing on Changing the Wrong Person

"My marriage would be so much better if only my husband/wife would..."

Go ahead, fill in the blank. I know you've said or thought things like this before. We all have.

This one kind of goes hand in hand with #1. It's so much easier to put the onus of change on our spouse than it is to own up to our own shortcomings and areas of weakness. It's especially easy to slip into this mindset if you have bought into the lie that marriage is all about your own personal degree of happiness.

The truth is that you only have the power to change you. If you want a better marriage, start with your self.

I recently heard someone say of marriage: the best way to work on your marriage is to draw a circle around yourself and work on everything inside the circle.

3) Settling For Less Than Total Intimacy

"We don't have sex very often, but other than that I would say we have a good marriage." ~says the low-drive wife.

"I leave the spiritual stuff to my wife. That's really more her cup of tea." ~says the spiritually disinterested husband

"There is just no way to make room in our schedule or budget for regular date nights." ~says the busy couple

God designed marriage to be a place of complete intimacy. His design and desire is that in every marriage "two become one" in every dimension of their beings: spiritually, emotionally, sexually, financially and relationally. Too often couples settle for a lack of intimacy in one or more of these dimensions.

The thing about intimacy is that there is always more of it to be had, regardless of how great your marriage is. Never stop going for more. You can have as much intimacy as you want or as little as you are willing to settle for.

4) Waiting for Later

"I'll work on my marriage some day when..."

The problem with this kind of thinking is that someday usually never comes.

You might be tempted to think that there will be time to work on your marriages after the kids get older, after the craziness at work settles down, or after you are financially more secure. So you wait. But when that some day comes, you just might find your marriage in total crisis.

Don't wait. Today, and every day, is the day to invest in your marriage.

5) Going for Equal

"The best marriages are when everything is 50-50."

If you've read here for very long, you already know how I feel about the whole 50/50 idea. It's just dead wrong.

When equality becomes your goal, it automatically sets up a competitive, scorekeeping environment in your marriage. Everything gets graded and measured to see who comes out ahead. The truth is that most who want a 50/50 split, aren't actually interesting in equality; they are interested in "winning" (or at least not "losing"). It comes back to issue #1 again. It's all about me.

According to the Bible, our model for marriage is Christ and the church. There is nothing in that relationship that is 50-50. Christ gave himself completely, 100% for the sake of having us as his bride. He wants 100% of us too. He desires a relationship with us that is 100/100. That's how marriages are designed to work best.

Our goal should be to out-love, out-give, out-surrender and out-bless each other.

- - - - - - - - - -

So there you have my top five. I could add more, but I'd like to invite you to chime in with your own set of "marriage mistakes that couples may not even know they are making."

Let's hear it! Leave a comment.

Related Reading:

This post today from The Generous Husband, Paul Byerly, was very timely. How Do You Focus on the Positive and Still Deal with Problems?"
This post was prompted by this article from Prevention Magazine. "7 Mistakes Even Smart Couples Make."

image credit: bbbar / 123rf.com

Just out: the May issue of "Pathways," my monthly newsletter completely focused on building the intimacy in your marriage.

To preview the latest issue, "Intimacy in the Tough Times"
To subscribe to Pathways (and get my free Intimacy Challenge ebook), click HERE

Ten Confessions of a Marriage Blogger

2013-04-22T13:19:00.000-04:00

Useless Tidbits About My Life and Blogging

Since Kate at One Flesh Marriage offered her post “10 Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Wife,” I’ve been itching to offer up my own true confessions.

So here they are in no particular order:

1 – I’m an Engineer

This one might surprise you, or it might make you say, “Oh, now it makes sense.” I have no formal training as a writer or marriage counselor or any other educational experience that applies to this marriage blogging thing I do (except the school of life!). So please forgive my poor sentence structure, mis-use of words and notoriously poor proofing skills. Next time you catch me dangling a participle, just say to yourself. “It’s okay, he’s an engineer.”

2 – I’m a Perfectionist

This one makes #1 hard for me. I don’t like doing anything half way. The fact that I don’t have the time I would like to research, optimize and edit each post causes me no end of frustration. I almost always eventually catch my mistakes, but it is almost always after the post has been seen by 1,000+ people. And I cringe every time.

3 – Blogging Is Harder Than It Looks

Truth be told, I had no idea what I was getting into when I started this blog a little over three years ago. I thought to myself, “I like to write. I have a passion for marriage. How hard can this be?” It didn’t take me long to find out that doing this well takes much more time and energy than a full-time employed person can possibly give it. Still, I write on. It’s been especially difficult lately now that my “day job” has significantly encroached into my blogging schedule, which is why my last post was more than two weeks ago. See also #2.

4 – I Enjoy the Marriage Blogging Community

Jenni and I have formed some wonderful friendships with fellow marriage bloggers. These relationships with others in the marriage blogging community came as a total surprise to me, and it is a wonderful bonus to be able to “lock shields” with others with a similar passion to see marriages become all they can be. There are so many doing great stuff that I can only keep up with a fraction of the many great blogs that I have come across.

5 – I’m a Worship Leader and Song Writer

It doesn’t come up much here, but my other calling from God is as a volunteer worship leader at my church. I’ve been doing that since high school - a lot longer than I’ve been involved in marriage ministry. I’m blessed to be in a church (Northlands Church near Atlanta) full of wonderfully talented musicians and full of people who love to pour out their hearts in worship. I also write music – mostly worship songs for our local church.

6 – I Love to Learn

I have an insatiable curiosity. I am fascinated by history. I love to delve into science and technology. I am plugged into news and political commentary pretty much every day, either online, on TV or on the radio. My family gets annoyed with me for reading every informational plaque in the museum. Oh, and I can’t resist a “cool map.” Of course I also love to learn about marriage. At any given time I have at least ten unread marriage books on my Kindle (and even a few in paper).

7 – I Still Have a Lot to Learn

I have a wonderful marriage and a wonderful wife, but we are far from perfect. I actually don’t think the perfect marriage exists, because there is always more: more intimacy, more passion, more selfless love, more trust and transparency – more of all the stuff that makes a marriage great. I make my share of marriage mistakes, but I’m thankful that I have a wife who is full of unconditional love for me. Sometimes I need Jenni to gently remind me of my own advice!

8 – I Have Too Many Ideas for Posts

I keep multiple lists of post ideas, which I add to weekly. These lists now run into many dozens of potential posts. If I had the time, which I don’t, I could write a post every day of the week - maybe twice a day.

9 – I Have “Finished” Writing a Book On Marriage

Actually, I finished the draft one year ago this month. Unfortunately it took me so long to write it that I now need to do a major amount of editing and revision. I don’t actually agree with some of what I wrote back when I began writing the book, which goes back about four years or more. (I can’t even remember exactly when I started working on it!) I have also written a marriage small group curriculum that goes along with the book. We have used it a few times in our own church. Some day there will be time to finish these projects.

10 – I Love Jesus

Hopefully this one doesn’t come as a surprise to any of you: I think Jesus is awesome and amazing. He is the reason I do this whole marriage thing in the first place. It is in learning to first be His bride that I have learned how to be a husband (think about that one).

So there you have my true marriage blogger confessions. There are others I could offer, but these are the ones that came to me first. If there’s a question you’d like me to answer, please leave a comment.

Others from the marriage blogging community are chiming in with their confessions. If you are a marriage blogger, jump on in. If I missed your confession post, please add your link in the comments.

Kate from One Flesh Marriage – 10 Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Wife

Brad from One Flesh Marriage – 10 Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Husband

Lori - The Generous Wife – Confession Time

J from Hot, Holy and Humorous – 10 Confessions of a Marriage & Sex Blogger

Julie from Intimacy in Marriage – 10 Confessions of a Sex-Blogger

Debi at Romantic Vineyard - Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Wife

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True Love Serves

2013-04-04T13:49:00.000-04:00

Do you want to be a GREAT husband or wife?!?

I love the way Jesus turned the idea of greatness completely upside down:

Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave-- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
Matthew 20:25-28

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.
Philippians 2:5-7

If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you.
John 13:14-15

Do I really need to say anything more? Is there any better place than your marriage to act on Jesus’ compelling call for us to serve one another?

It's your turn: what do you think it means to serve your husband or wife? How have you served or been served by your spouse this week?

Photo credit: ginosphotos / 123rf.com

Just out: the April issue of "Pathways," my monthly newsletter dedicated completely to building the intimacy in your marriage.

To preview the latest issue, "When Two Become One." What does it mean to live as one flesh?

To subscribe to Pathways (and get my free Intimacy Challenge ebook), click HERE

True Love Gives Without Condition

2013-03-25T07:00:00.000-04:00

Selfless giving. It may be the aspect of “True Love” that is one of the hardest of all for us to consistently attain in marriage. Yet without a doubt, it is one of the biggest keys to building a strong, lasting and delightful marriage.

With the “True Love” series we are examining the many dimension of love expressed to us in the person of Jesus Christ. There are countless verses that describe the selfless nature of Christ's love, but here is one of my favorites:

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions… For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.
Ephesians 2:4-5, 9

Even though we were hopelessly lost, totally messed up, and mired in our sin, God’s great love came to us as a free gift in the form of His Son Jesus, to save us.

He doesn’t wait until we get our act together or until we start behaving ourselves. No His love reaches out to us right where we are. He pursues us relentlessly (see my last post), even though we were dead in our sins, in order to redeem us unto Himself and have us for his very own. Forever.

Give Gifts not Favors

There is a subtle difference between a gift and a favor. A gift is freely given, without the expectation of something in return. A favor, on the other hand, is given with strings attached. I’ll do for you if you do for me.

In marriage favors come with agendas and expectations. It might be the hope of getting something we want. It might be the goal of changing our spouse to be how we want them to be. It might be to control or manipulate.

Marriage is the place for gifts, freely given, out of love, without precondition or the expectation of something in return. That’s Jesus’ example to us.

Yes, it’s true that when we serve and bless and meet the needs of our spouses, they will tend to respond in kind. But beware going in with a “give-to-get” mentality in your giving. Such a self-serving approach is not sustainable and it sets you and your spouse up for disappointment and failure.

Discover the Joy of Selfless Giving

There is great joy to be found when we learn to genuinely embrace giving simply out of love. The Bible tells us that “for the joy set before him, Jesus endured the cross.” I believe that joy was found in the intimacy he would gain with us through his unconditional, sacrificial gift.

When we can empty ourselves of our agendas and expectations and show love in ways that we know will bless our husband or wife, we discover the pure, deep joy found in delighting each other – and we discover a wide path to intimacy.

Put Away the Scorecards

I know it’s really tempting to keep score on who is giving more. Of course we will always tend to score things in our favor, don’t we? But regardless, I’m not just asking you to score fairly or even in your spouse’s favor. I’m asking you to throw out the scorecard altogether!

Yeah, it’s radical. Yeah, it’s hard. But truthfully, that is the way we are called to live and love – without scorecards.

Are you ready to toss out the scorecards and to begin to live a life of lavish love – love without conditions? Can you think of one thing you can do this week for your husband or wife that you can give without expecting something in return?

Think of it. Then take joy in doing it!

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True Love Pursues Relentlessly

2013-03-07T06:07:00.000-05:00

The longer you are married, the more important it is to keep pursuing each other.

I didn’t make much headway in February with my “True Love” series, so I’m starting afresh in March with another attribute of Christ’s love for us: His relentless pursuit.

What does Jesus’ relentless pursuit look like?

It looks like him leaving the perfection of heaven and coming to earth, humbling himself to take on our human form. As if that weren’t pursuit enough, he went on to be cruelly killed on our behalf in order to make a way for us to dwell with him in intimacy forever.

Now that’s what I call pursuit!

And He did all this “while we were yet sinners,” even knowing that some would reject Him completely.

Pursuit that Never Ends

As if that still weren’t enough, we have this promise from Scripture:

For He, God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let you down (relax My hold on you)!
Hebrews 13:5b (AMP)

I love how emphatic the Amplified version is about God’s relentless pursuit, His absolute determination to stay connected with us and to be faithful to us – no matter what.

God is a lover – it’s who He is. His love is relentless, eternal, and unstoppable.

That’s how he wants love to be in marriage.

Relentless Pursuit in Marriage

I know it may sound a little odd to say that you have to still pursue your spouse regardless of how long you’ve been married. But the truth is, the longer you’ve been married, the more important it is to keep pursuing each other.

It’s so easy for us to slip into a kind of comfortable familiarity over time, and we begin to take the wonderful gift of our marriage for granted. That’s a death sentence for marriages!

Why is pursuit important in marriage? As I shared before, pursuit communicates four very important messages to your husband or wife:

Desire - Pursuit says “I want you.”
Commitment – Pursuit says “I would choose you all over again.”
Passion – Pursuit says “I want you bad enough to keep coming after you until I get you.”
Pleasure – pursuit says “I find delight in you.”

Funny, don’t these things sound like God's pursuit of us too?

If you want to read some specific suggestion on how you can continually pursue your spouse, read the post “Endless Pursuit” mentioned above.

Or you could always ask your partner, “What things can I do to make you feel pursued?” They may or may not know how to put it into words. Pursuit is not a concept most of us give a lot of thought to, but we know it when we see it.

What have you done in the past few weeks to make your partner feel pursued? What does your spouse do that makes you feel pursued? Share your stories and experiences with a comment!

Photo credit: william87 / 123rf.com

PS In case you missed it, I started this series with “True Love Puts Relationship Ahead of Rules.”

I'm Still Here. Really!

2013-03-05T16:35:00.000-05:00

A Peek Into the Life of a Marriage Blogger

It’s been close to a month since I posted here. Did you think I’d never post again? Well, for a while there it came really close to becoming reality.

I’m going to share the story of my journey with God over the past month. I share it in the hopes that it will speak to some of you who find yourself discouraged and overwhelmed by your circumstances.

Here are the facts: My day job has had me traveling more than I’ve been home for the last six weeks. And when I am home, I’ve been scrambling to meet some hugely challenging deadlines. In addition to work, all I had left has gone to giving my marriage and family the support and attention they deserve. To top it off, during February I had my three week stint leading worship at our church

Long story short: the stresses all added up and brought me to a breaking point. I decided I just couldn’t do it all. Something had to give and I decided it was my marriage ministry. I was ready to quit this blog and marriage ministry in total.

But God wouldn’t let me quit. Something with it just didn’t sit right in my spirit. Yes, I did feel some relief (okay a lot of relief) from not having to spend every waking minute trying to figure out how to squeeze in blogging, writing, emailing and social networking time.

But when I actually imagined walking away from it all, there was a crushing sadness in my soul that I knew it was not of God. That’s not how he works. So I decided to seek him, and I told him I would do whatever he wanted, but he had to make the way clear.

I prayed a lot as I traveled about the US and the globe. I got nothing for weeks on end. Then just this week the Lord started to lead me across a few simple yet very important truths.

Truth #1: I Am Enough

I was really struggling with a sense of failure and inadequacy over not being able to do it all. Ever been there?

Then Lori Byerly (aka The Generous Wife ) shared a post that showed up in My Facebook feed. It was a post by Holley Gerth, whom I had never heard of and who I’m convinced God had write a post just for me called “You Can Embrace the Ordinary.

What if our life doesn’t matter? What if what we do doesn’t really count? What if no one recognized our efforts? We panic and strive and end up exhausted.

She (and God) had nailed me. I had promised myself when I began writing that I would not drink the “celebrity” Kool-Aid. I wouldn’t let my strong desire for impacting marriages drive me into platform-building mode.

But slowly, over three years of blogging, I got sucked in. I began paying too much attention to the many ways in which bloggers measure success (pageloads, followers, comments, likes, etc). The numbers started mattering too much. I slowly slipped into platform-building mode. I began to gauge my success by numbers.

The thing is, that’s not how the Kingdom of God measures success. As Holley’s article concludes, “But here’s the freedom: you don’t have to strive. You can embrace where you are right here, right now and know that it is enough. You are enough.”

Then, through my wife God also led me to a teaching by Eric Johnson called “The Box.”

The Box

Among the many striking things Eric had to say about how we view ministry, the one that hit me between the eyes was this:

Ministry is Not What You Do, It’s Who You Are

I couldn’t NOT be in marriage ministry, because it’s who I am. It is something the Lord put inside of me.

God did not call me to be a “successful blogger” or published author or to build a platform. He called me to minister his truth to marriages, to speak what I find is on his heart for Christian couples everywhere I come across them. It might be in a small group in our church; it might be across a table at Starbucks; it might be to someone in The Philippines looking for an answer on my blog.

The where and how are God’s to figure out. My part is just to do the next thing, resting in the assurance that I already have his approval and blessing and that I do not need to strive for it in my own strength.

Now, that isn’t exactly easy for someone as driven as I am, but I am convinced it is the right way – the only way - forward.

When Something Has to Give

The other thing that struck me from listening to “The Box” teaching, is that I need to be careful about my preconceived notions of what marriage ministry has to look like.

When we try to put a box around our ministry and define it too narrowly, we limit how we let God move.

So when I came to the realization that I had to give up something in order to survive the current madness, I realized that what had to go were my assumptions and expectations.

So here is my grand plan for marriage ministry: let go, let God and stop striving.

I appreciate your patience in the near term while I try to figure out just how this new blogging paradigm will unfold. Stick around and enjoy the journey with me.

What about you? Have you ever felt at the breaking point and unable to do all you felt you were “supposed” to be doing? How did God break through to you? Share your story in the comments.

photo credit: jayfish / 123rf.com

No Time or Energy for Romance?

2013-02-11T14:44:00.000-05:00

Today I have a guest post over at the Hope at Home Blog, where my good friend Beth inspires and encourages adpotive families, with a heart to transform orphans into sons and daughters.

Here is the first part of that post:

Do you scoff or cringe at the thought of Valentine’s Day?

“Who has time and energy for romance? Certainly not me!”

I get it that life is crazy sometimes (okay, honestly, most times). There are always so many things bidding for our time, attention and energy.

Still, I implore you not to write off this season of your life as a romance free era. I know it’s tempting to think that there will be more time to focus on the intimacy in your marriage later on. But the truth is that later never comes. Trust me, I know.

My wife, Jenni, and I have been married more than 30 years, and still our crazy-busy life has a tendency to infringe on the time and effort we give to romancing each other. That is just the day and age we live in.

Romance on a Time and Energy Budget

The thing is, you can romance your spouse without a huge effort. In fact, I often say that little love expressions, done consistently, will have a bigger impact on your relationship than grandiose expressions done only once in a while...

Read the rest of my post over at Hope at Home. It has lots of ideas for keeping romance alive even when romance seems impossible.

photo credit: evdoha / 123rf.com

Make an Intimate Connection

2013-02-06T05:00:00.000-05:00

Free Intimate Connections Download! Details Below.

Face it, a lot of husbands aren’t that great at conversation, much less deep and meaningful conversation.

That’s a problem for building intimacy in a marriage, because as I define it, intimacy comes from being fully known, yet completely loved.

It’s the being known part that is hardest for most couples. It’s so hard to be “naked” without shame, isn’t? (If you haven’t seen what I’ve written on this topic see this post.) We tend to hide our innermost feelings because we fear being judged for them.

Men are especially guilty of this (I know because I am one). And in truth, a lot of the emotional disconnect with couples is because a lot of husbands just aren’t comfortable baring their souls.

So What’s a Couple To Do?

How can you build emotional intimacy when the husband isn’t that great at sharing his feelings or engaging in intimate conversations?

I’ve got a free download called 20 Questions for Romantic Connections. The idea for this came about from something I did for our 20 year anniversary (more than ten years ago now!).

It’s a printable pdf file full of great fill-in-the-blank conversation starters like “20 Places We’d Like to See,” “20 Ways Our Marriage is Great,” “20 Ways to Explore Each Other’s Bodies.” and “20 Dream Dates We Want to Have.” Some of them you fill out together, others you fill out separately and compare notes.

Get 20 Questions for Romantic Connections by clicking here now:

Maybe you could incorporate a few of these questions into your Valentine’s Day plans. Or you could make the whole thing into a booklet that you pull out and use on your regular date nights.

Do you have some other questions that could be asked of the two of you to spark some intimate conversation? I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments!

photo credit: auremar / 123rf.com

I offered this download and many other romantic ideas in the February issue of my Pathways monthly e-newsletter, dedicated to all things intimacy-related. Feel free to check out this month's special Romance Editions. Click now to see the separate online versions for husbands and wives.

If you like what you see, you should sign up now for my Pathways newsletter. When you do, you will get my 14-Day Intimacy Challenge e-book for free.

Sign up at this link.

True Love Puts Relationship Ahead of Rules

2013-02-04T05:00:00.000-05:00

What is true love?

As I said in the kick-off post for this True Love series, I plan to look closely at the way love is expressed to us by God in the person of His Son, Jesus Christ. To me that is the best way to learn about True Love.

The story of the Gospel is really a love story. It’s the story of a God who would go to any lengths to have us for himself; who would do whatever it took to live in intimacy with us forever. Even if that meant the death of His own Son.

That is True Love.

It was clear that we would never keep the rules well enough to earn our way back to him. We were stuck in our own imperfection. Mired in our own weakness and sin.

So grace stepped in and found us. Jesus gave his all so that we could be restored to intimacy with the Father. Jesus came to make us his bride for all eternity. Undeserving as we were, He made us the righteousness of Christ.

Jesus overcame our inability to keep the rules so that we could have relationship with him.

He didn’t merely overlook our failures. He overcame them by his own sacrifice of love, even giving up his own life.

All for the sake of intimacy.

So, my brothers, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit to God.
Rom 7:4

How does Jesus’ display of extravagant love help us understand True Love in marriage?

The next time your husband or wife falls short, offends you, makes a mistake or acts in a way that would otherwise drive you apart, stop and think of how Jesus responded to these very things in us.

So look to Jesus’ example. The next time offense wants to come between you and your beloved, ask yourself, “What must I do to maintain intimacy in this situation? How can sacrificial love win the day and keep our connection?”

I’m not saying it’s easy to do. It's not. But I do believe that is the example of True Love we are to emulate in our marriages.

Do you have a story of when True Love triumphed in your own marriage? Is there a time when your husband or wife put the intimacy in your relationship ahead of his or her right to be offended or hurt? Share your stories in the comments.

photo credit: iofoto / 123rf.com

Wives Only Wednesday - Turn This Valentine's Day Around

2013-01-30T05:00:00.000-05:00

Your husband is not nearly as romantically challenged as you think!

Have you long since given up on your husband in the romance department? Have you repeatedly suffered disappointing Valentine’s Days over the years? Have such things caused you to turn your attention on this holiday toward your kids instead of your husband? Or maybe you have altogether given up celebrating this day, passing if off as crassly commercialized.

I get it. Really, I do.

But it’s time to a take back Valentine’s Day.

Hallmark and FTD commercials notwithstanding, this day is really not about cards and flowers and chocolates (though for many of you that would probably be a step up).

No, this holiday is really about love, romantic love.

A Chance to Rekindle Romance

“But my husband is romantically inept,” I hear you saying.

It is probably true that many, if not most, husbands appear to their wives as somewhat challenged in the romance department. But I believe the problem isn’t romance per se. The problem is in the vast difference between what feels romantic to men as opposed to what feels romantic to women.

Yeah, it’s that ages-old differences thing again.

We men will try to give love and romance in the way we define it, as opposed to the way our wives do. When that doesn’t work (repeatedly, over years) we eventually conclude that we are romantically incapable, and we stop trying. Our wives sometimes contribute to this by either overtly stating it, or by their cool reactions to our ill-advised attempts at romance.

Rather than giving up on your man this Valentine’s Day, try to see it as is your chance to move things forward, romantically speaking, in your marriage.

Turn Around Your Expectations

Chances are if your husband has historically low marks in romance, he is not all of a sudden going to come up with a stunning Valentine’s Day plan. (That is, unless he happened to read my Man-Up Monday post this week.)

As hard as it is, I’m encouraging to re-focus your expectations from what you might get from your husband this year to what you can give him.

Switch your attention from trying to teach your husband how to romance you to instead trying to learn how to best romance him.

You see, as I said, what feels romantic to you probably will not to him. You want his time and attention, a sense that you and your feelings matter, and to feel cared for. For him, those things probably will not do the trick.

Romance to him probably comes in completely different forms. Here are what I call the three A’s to romancing your husband:

Admiration (of who he is) – Take a break from focusing on his inadequacies and shortcoming, and focus instead on his best qualities. Tell him WHY you love him. Believe with him in his dreams. Let him know that you see what’s inside of him, but also admire his physical appearance. He wants to know you are attracted to him.

Appreciation (for what he’s done) – If your husband is like me, he thinks a lot about the balls that are dropping all around in his crazy life. Take a break from nagging him about what more he needs to be doing and instead thank him for what he is doing and has done. Genuine words of thanks do a lot more to spur him on than anything else.

Affirmation (of his sexual nature) – You knew I’d get here eventually, didn’t you? Your husband wants you to affirm rather than shame or disregard him in this important area of your marriage. Understand that his desire for sex is actually a desire for intimacy with you. Don’t just tolerate his desires, but try to respond in kind. He wants to be wanted by you.

By asking you to focus on his romantic needs, I’m not telling you to settle for a husband who doesn’t know how to romance you the way you like. You should never give up on your desires for that. But I am saying that a man who is admired, appreciated and affirmed is much more likely to send a little romance back in your direction than a man who is starved for those things.

This Valentine’s Day think about how can incorporate the three A’s of husband-romance into it.

Do you have some specific suggestions for my readers on how they might show these things to their husbands? Leave a comment!

photo credit: auremar / 13rf.com

If you need some more ideas on how to romance your husband HIS way, check out my 14-day Intimacy Challenge for Wives. You can follow the daily links to do the Intimacy Challenge online on this page. Or you can get a convenient pdf of the challenge for free via email when you sign up for my Pathways monthly intimacy newsletter. (Hurry, though, the February edition is coming out in just a few days with lots more romantic ideas!) Sign up on my blog or right here:

Man Up Monday - Make a Valentine's Day Plan

2013-01-28T05:00:00.000-05:00

A little more than two weeks to go. Do you have a plan?

You know what I'm talking about.

Are you one of those husbands who gets a mild panic attack when he thinks about Valentine’s Day? Or maybe you have decided V-Day is nothing more than a creation of crass commercialism, which you are not going to buy into. Perhaps you leave the romance department to your wife.

Whatever your stance, I’m going to challenge you to do something different this year.

I’m challenging you to man up and make a plan for Valentine’s Day.

A Plan Says I Care About You and Us

You want to hear a secret when it comes to romancing your wife? Lean in, let me whisper it to you, so your wife won’t overhear. It almost doesn’t matter what you do. That’s right, as long as it is clear to her that you put a lot into it and that you are excited about it, she will love it. No kidding.

Here’s why. When you put forth effort to romance your wife she will receive it as you pursuing her. And your wife loves to be pursued.

Also, she will see it as you leading in your relationship’s emotional intimacy department. And your wife loves it when you lead.

Finally, taking the time and effort to plan something special tells her you care about her and her needs and that you care about your marriage. And your wife loves to feel cared for.

No More Excuses

So if I’m right about the fact that you almost cannot fail, you have no more excuse not to step up and make a plan. You’ve got time.

Still not sure where to begin? Here are four basic steps to point you in the right direction:

Keep it secret - The element of surprise adds to the romantic effect
Make it multi-faceted – your plan should involve more than simply presenting her with a gift. Make it something you can spread out over at least several hours or even all day. It could even be something to be played out over weeks or months in steps.
Focus on her – one problem men have in planning romantic encounters is that they don’t separate sex and romance the way women do. What I’m saying is that your whole purpose should be to bring HER pleasure in the way SHE desires. Depending on your wife, that may or may not include overtly sexual expressions.
Show your heart – this can be hard one for many men, who don’t typically major on feelings and expressing them. If you want to really bless your wife, get past your discomfort and pour out your feelings about her.

If you include these four basic elements to your plan, it will be a tremendous hit. I promise.

A Little Inspiration

Still needing a little guidance? Here are some examples of some successful romantic encounters that I have planned out and performed for my wife. I have shared these here in the past, but here are the links for easy reference.

Romantic Balloon Pop – A dozen surprises hidden inside a dozen balloons - great fun!
100 Things I Love About You – This is a great one, and you don’t need to make it 100 if that is too daunting!
Homemade Spa – A personally designed day of spoiling relaxation. Sure to be a hit!
Surprise Getaway – Kidnap your wife for a romantic getaway. My wife's description of one of the many times I've done this for her.
14-Day Intimacy Challenge - Give your wife two weeks of intimacy – HER way. Do the challenge in the two weeks leading up to February 14th or the 14 days following.See the end of this post for details on how to get the challenge.

Alright guys! I've given you the reasons. I've given you key tips. I've given you examples.

Now get out there and PLAN something!

photo credit: dvest / 123rf.com

You can follow the daily links to do the Intimacy Challenge online on this page. Or you can get a convenient pdf of the challenge for free via email when you sign up for my Pathways monthly intimacy newsletter. (Hurry, though, the February edition is coming out in just a few days with lots more romantic ideas!) Sign up on my blog or right here:

Do You Love Love?

2013-01-24T07:16:00.000-05:00

Are you a love skeptic or do you love love?

As we approach that most sacred of love observances, Valentine’s Day, I want to challenge you to discover (or re-discover) love. Regardless of where you come down on the worth of celebrating February 14th, I want to push you to grow in your understanding of love.

Between now and Valentine's Day I plan on posting a number of romantic ideas you can use to make this a special day for you and your spouse. As I start sharing ideas, I figure it is also a great time to talk about love.

After all, Valentine’s Day is often described as the “Day of Love.”

What is Love?

Ask ten people what love is and you will get at least ten different answers that vary all over the place.

Is it an emotion? A giddy, head-over-heels feeling? Is it a commitment? Is it romance? Is it a decision of will, a choice? Is love more about the soul, the body or the spirit? What is the relationship between sex and love?

Who knows? Who decides?

The Bible tells us that God is love. The engineer in me knows that if A=B, then B=A. So can we say that love is also God? The Bible also says we should love like Jesus. What does that mean?

A Love Challenge

What do you think love is? The truth is that what you believe about love greatly affects your marriage. You must decide what love is to you and your marriage relationship. What your spouse thinks about love is also hugely important, especially in how it differs from your own views.

In the next few weeks, as I share my romantic ideas for Valentine’s Day, I’m also going to be doing a number of posts exploring love. I’m orienting these around love as expressed by Jesus, because He is the best picture of love there is. It only makes sense to dig deeply into Jesus if we want to know what true love really is.

And so I'm calling this series “True Love.”

In Ephesians 3 Paul tells us we can never fully know the love of Christ, yet he compels us to make that our lifelong ambition. He compels us to try to intimately know this unknowable love, because it is the key to fullness in God. I believe it is also the key to fullness in marriage.

Though I cannot hope to fully explore every dimension of the love of Christ in a few posts scattered through a few weeks, I want to challenge you to really dig deeply into love as we approach the day of love. Determine to go beyond what you think you know about love during these few weeks.

I’m encouraging you to go after a radical love of love. Press into love like never before. Get excited about becoming more Christ-like in your love expressions. Embrace love in the broadest possible way. Don’t settle for your current level of understanding. Challenge your beliefs. Stretch your long-held perceptions.

There is always more to know about love, because there is always more to know about God. We are going to go for it!

Stand by for my first romantic Valentine's Day idea.

But before I launch this series, I’ll leave it open for you to answer.

What is love?

Leave a comment with your definition, thoughts and ideas. Let’s get this love party started.

Photo credit: sergwsq / 123rf.com

Don't miss my guest post on J's Hot, Holy and Humorous blog:

Ten Lies Wives Believe about Sex (And Ten Truths Your Husband Would Have you Believe Instead)

Dress for Success - Put on Grace

2013-01-21T05:00:00.000-05:00

Grace is an invitation to intimacy!

Today I’m concluding my “Dress for Success” series. We’ve been looking at the “new clothes” we have in our wardrobe that we can choose to “put on” for the benefit of our marriages.

These new clothes are described in Colossians 3. (You can click the links to see the other posts in this series):

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience … And above all these, put on love.
Colossians 3:12,14

Between these two verses we find this instruction in verse 13:

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13

For the sake of the series, I am calling this putting on grace.

The Power of Grace

Did you know that grace is actually an invitation to intimacy?

God extended grace to us through the death of his Son, Jesus, so that we could have intimacy with him forever. Forgiveness was not the goal. Forgiveness was the path to intimacy with God.

It’s the same in marriage.

When faced with the choice to forgive your spouse or not, remember that unforgiveness means separation and forgiveness means intimacy. It’s really that simple.

Don’t let your desire to be right outweigh your desire to be close to your husband or wife!

Let me remind you of the scripture from the Put on Love post in this series.We are called to love like Jesus. His love was not cautious, but extravagant.

Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.
Ephesians 5:2 (MSG)

Bearing with One Another

I believe this verse goes beyond our need to put on grace in the form of forgiveness when we are wronged. I believe it extends to loving our spouses beyond their weaknesses.

The New Living Translation of Col 3:13 says we are to “make allowance for each other's faults.”

Putting on grace means seeing your spouse through God’s eyes. That’s not easy. We aren’t God. But the truth is that we have been given a new nature in Christ, and that means we can choose to put on grace whenever we want to.

You have faults and weaknesses. Your spouse has faults and weaknesses. How much better would your marriage be if you both chose to focus on each others strengths and assets and disregarded each other’s weaknesses. I’m not talking about tolerating them. I’m talking about looking beyond them, into the very soul of the person you are married to, and seeing them for who they really are.

I’m telling you, the difference would be amazing.

Are you ready to put on grace for the sake of your marriage and to lay aside offense and unforgiveness? Do you have a story of grace in your own marriage? Share it in the comments!

Want to learn more about how to have a grace-full marriage? Check out this series:

Dress for Success - Put on Patience

2013-01-17T05:00:00.000-05:00

“Lord, please teach me patience, and RIGHT NOW!”

Yeah, we laugh at this funny prayer for patience, but it’s actually pretty close to how we often seek patience, isn’t it?

So often we think of patience as something to fight through, as if it’s trial by fire. Patience is often viewed negatively, but I have another view of patience that is altogether different.

This is part six in my series, “Dress for Success.” (It started back here if you need to catch up.) We are looking at the kinds of things you can choose to “put on” that will bless your marriage. These are the new clothes of the new you – as a new creation in Christ.

You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with…patience
(Col 3:9-12NIV)

A whole new take on patience

In our modern, rush-about, instant-everything world, patience is not very highly valued and little pursued. Sure, we try to have patience for things that get in our way or slow our pace. We strive not to be impatient with a spouse who isn’t pulling their weight or giving us what we think we deserve. We wait in queues, straining to see what in the world the hold up in front of us is.

But what if we were to turn our view of patience on its head? What if patience were to be more than passive acquiescence to our circumstances? What if we got a whole new way to look at it? Try this:

Patience: waiting with the hopeful anticipation of and joyful longing for the future.

I realize putting hope and joy together with patience is a little radical. But stick with me.

Patience in Your Marriage

Keep in mind that patience is a fruit of the Spirit and an important Kingdom principle. Patience is available to every believer who would choose to consciously put it on.

In your marriage, when you go through the normal ups and downs of life, you can put on patience with yourself and your spouse. If you eagerly anticipate more of whatever it is you lack in your marriage instead of grumbling to yourself and just waiting it out, you’ll find that times of waiting can actually be joyful.

No kidding.

Enjoy the Preparation Time

My wife is a tea person, so in her honor I’ll go with the tea analogy. (I’m strictly a coffee drinker myself, but I've made enough tea in my life to know the ins and outs.) In order to enjoy an excellent, delicious cup of tea, you have to prepare it properly. Consider two scenarios:

Scenario 1: Boring, Impatient Tea – Dump some tap water into the closest available mug, slap it into the microwave to get it hot, all the while drumming your fingers on the counter top as you watch the timer tick down. At the beep, dunk in a teabag enough to darken the water. Then drink.

Scenario 2: Tea with Joyful Anticipation – Get some good filtered water and fill the tea kettle. Turn on the heat while you look over your selection of fine teas, imagining the taste of each, and select just the right one for your mood or food. Pick a fine china tea cup from your collection, open the tea pouch and take a delicious whiff before setting the bag into the cup. You hear the water begin rolling, but you know a full boil is required for proper tea, so you wait the extra ten seconds for the pot to whistle loudly. Now you are close. You can almost taste it already as you gently pour the boiling water into the cup with the bag. But it’s still not quite time. You have to let it steep until a full rich color emerges in the cup. Almost there. Now add a dash of sugar and a bit of milk, all to your precise liking, and give it a gentle stir. The aroma is rising from the cup now, and you are eager, but you need one more minute to let it cool just a bit (but not too much) to the perfect drinking temperature.

Honestly, whether your drink tea or not, which tea do you think tastes better? Which will be enjoyed more?

It’s not all that different in the seasons of waiting and wanting in your marriage. Think if these as preparation times – times to enjoy the process of growing your marriage into all it can be and zealously anticipating the day of fulfillment.

5 Ways to Let Your Marriage Steep

There are a few things you can do to help turn your seasons of patience from a necessary evil into a hopeful longing and joyful anticipation. Here are a few I came up with:

Realize that God is FOR your marriage. Not just marriage in general, but your particular marriage. His desire it to see it be all it can be in the realms of intimacy, passion and fulfillment. He is more than able to do it.
Be thankful for all you do have. Whatever you focus on will grow. Concentrate on the good, downplay the bad. Deliberately shift your focus.
Be open to change. It might be that even though you are waiting on your husband or wife to change, God may want to work a change in you too (or maybe instead).
Give yourself generously. Our tendency during times of lack from our spouse is to withdraw and withhold until we get what we want. This tact never works. In fact, it puts your marriage in a downward spiral that I call the Path of Separation. Instead, give yourself unselfishly in the way your spouse desires, without expectation of getting in return.
Pray and worship. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus instead of the problem at hand. It’s amazing how small difficulties can become in the light of who God is. Enjoy him, enjoy his presence, and hear his heart for you and your marriage. Ask him what he wants of you in this season of waiting. Hearing his voice changes everything.

My list is just a starting point. I’d love to hear your ideas. How do you deal with the seasons in your marriage that require patience? What tips can you give my readers on fostering joyful anticipation?Leave a comment.

Photo credit: lubastock / 123rf.com

Next in the series: Put on Grace

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Dress for Success - Put on Compassion

2013-01-14T05:00:00.001-05:00

A heart of compassion says "We can do this together."

We’re kicking off the new year talking about your new wardrobe for 2013. It’s the new set of actions and attitudes that God calls us to put on in Colossians 3 in light of our new nature, which we received when we believed in Christ.

These new "clothes" can give a fantastic boost to your marriage if you will only choose to wear them.

Today we are talking about putting on compassion.

What is Compassion?

The word used in Col 3:11 is variably translated into compassion (NKJ, NIV) tenderhearted mercy (NLT), mercies (KJV), and tenderhearted pity and mercy (AMP).

In the Greek, the word is Oiktirmos, which to me is best translated as “a heart of compassion.” I think Webster’s cuts to the chase when it defines compassion as “sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” That’s exactly what it means to have a heart of compassion for your spouse:

Stress Response

I don’t know about you, but when I’m distressed I get kind of “prickly,” as my wife calls it. I give curt answers, I get impatient and easily frustrated, and I'm sometime even angry. Different people react differently to stress. Maybe yours is typically fear, sadness, withdrawal, anger or some other negative emotion.

What about your spouse? How does he or she normally act when under stress? And when that happens, how do you typically respond?

Because people’s distress reactions are not very attractive, our response is often either to pull away (in self protection) or to strike back if we feel (often wrongly) that our spouse’s negative emotions are directed toward us.

But we are called to something greater. Rather than wearing reactivity when your spouse is in distress, we are called to put on compassion.

Compassion in Marriage

It’s not always easy to put on compassion. Why is it sometimes harder to be compassionate toward those that are closest to us? It’s often easier to have compassion for friends, acquaintance, or even a total stranger.

I think one reason it is so hard is that we react by wanting to change our spouse’s stress reaction rather than help alleviate their distress. “He shouldn’t be so short with me; I haven’t done anything.” “She shouldn’t be so cold toward me when I’m not the one who spoke harshly her.” “Why does he always shut down when work gets hard?” “There’s no reason for her to cry over something so small.”

Rather than trying to help them deal with the cause of their distress, we want to change them. Clue: it doesn’t work.

Here are some things to do that work much better:

Learn to recognize your spouse’s natural stress reaction. Chances are it’s often the same kind of behavior in response to a variety of stresses.
Remember that when they express negative emotions at you, there is usually something else going on. It’s not really about you.
Put on a “sympathetic consciousness” of your spouse’s distress. The kind of things that distress them may not be distressful to you, but you don’t get to decide on the validity of their distress. To them it is real.
Draw closer. Yeah, that’s a hard one, especially if their negative emotions are unattractive and even hurtful. Remember that you are still one, and drawing away ultimately hurts you too.
Express kindness (see my last post for more on that). Kindness changes the atmosphere in your home and marriage.
Ask what you can do to alleviate their distress. You may not be able to fix it or solve their dilemma, but let them know they are in it with them, that you are on their side and that you want to face it together.
Most importantly, speak truth. It’s sometimes hard to recall the truths of God when we are under stress. One of God’s great purpose for the marriage partnership is for us to remind each other of God’s promises, his power, his faithfulness in all things, and his unconditional love.

So are you ready to put on compassion next time your spouse is under stress?

We had some great stories of kindness on my last post. Let’s hear your compassion stories! When has your spouse shown you compassion? How did it change things for you? Leave a comment!

Did you miss any of the previous posts in this series? Here are the links to get you caught up:

photo credit: masta4650 / 123rf.com

Next in the series: Put on Patience

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Dress for Success - Put on Kindness

2013-01-10T05:00:00.000-05:00

What is the best kind of kindness?

We’ve been talking about your new wardrobe for 2013. New clothes for the new you!

No, not pants, shirts and skirts. We are talking about the actions and attitudes that God calls us to “put on” in Colossians 3 in light of our new nature in Christ.

It just so happens that it is a great list of things to wear for your marriage!

You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with…kindness
Col 3:9-12 (NIV)

How to Put on Kindness

Do me a favor. Think to yourself. What are the first five or so words that come to your mind when you think of kindness? Go ahead, take the ten seconds you need to do this.

Now, think again. (I know I’m asking a lot of you to make you think twice in a single blog post). Think of your daily interactions with your husband or wife. What are the five (or so) words that best describe how you engage with your spouse?

Now compare these two lists of words. Find any similarities?

In case you are stuck (or lazy) here are some dictionary words to consider:

sympathetic
affectionate
loving
gentle
forbearing
giving pleasure or relief

What I’m trying to get you to think about is whether kindness is part of the daily routine in your marriage. Is it?

You see, the best kind of kindness is the kind you wear daily.

My challenge to you is to deliberately do something kind every day for your husband or wife. Each day, think of at least one act of kindness (action or spoken) you can do for your spouse. Plan it and do it. If it helps, scan through my dictionary list above or write down your own list. It will help give you ideas.

Hint: I especially like that last idea. Each day, simply think of something that would give your spouse pleasure or relief/help. (PS for men: there is such a thing as pleasure that doesn’t involve sex!)

Here are a few examples of little kindnesses to get you thinking (there I go again with the thinking - strike three).

Bring them a cup of tea or coffee while they are getting ready for their day.
Offer a short neck or foot rub while you are watching TV together
Prepare their favorite meal (even if it isn’t your favorite)
Stop in and get their favorite treat or snack next time you get gas
Lend an unprompted hand with a daily chore (dishes, dinner, laundry, yard work, kid’s bath or bedtime).
Ask before you leave for work, “How can I pray for you today?” (then do it!)
Pay a specific, honest compliment to one of the physical feature you most admire about them (or their chosen outfit or perfume/cologne).

You see kindness doesn’t have to involve big things. Much better are small things done with great consistency.

You may be reluctant to give kindness to your spouse because they don’t typically give it back. To you, let me say that the more kindness you give, the more likely you are to see it in return. It’s a reaping and sewing thing. Withholding kindness will reap more unkindness. But regular acts of kindness will change the atmosphere of your marriage. It is the best way to produce more kindness.

So, are you ready to commit to daily kindness?

Let’s hear it! What is the last kind thing (big or small) that your spouse did for you? What is the last kind thing you did for your spouse? Leave a comment.

photo credit: yeko / 123rf.com

Next in the series: Put on Compassion

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Dress For Success - Put On Love (Part 2)

2013-01-06T19:06:00.001-05:00

What does it mean to put on love?

I promised last time that I would continue with a few practical suggestions for how you can "put on love." It is what we are called to do in Col 3:14. In case you missed that post, here’s a reminder:

"The most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony." (Col 3:14 NLT)

Want harmony in your marriage? Put on love!

Putting on love is not donning fake emotions or trying to wamp it up when you don’t feel it. Putting on love is a decision to give of yourself, generously and frequently, no matter what.

Ten Ways to Dress Yourself with Love

Here is the promised list of tips for putting on love. Before I give the list, though, be aware that your spouse’s love languages play into this greatly (see suggestion one!). What looks like a really nice love outfit to you is likely not the same to your spouse. To wear love well, you have to be a student not only of Jesus and how he loves, but of your husband or wife and what love means to them. This is HUGE!

Take the five love languages quiz together if you haven’t already. Do something specific this week to meet your spouse’s top need.
Pursue your husband by wearing something sexy to bed or by initiating sex. Pursue your wife by asking her on a date and making all the arrangement or paying her genuine compliments on her appearance. More pursuit tips on this post.
Choose to make a sacrifice of your own preference in order to honor your spouse’s preference, like picking a movie they would rather watch or a restaurant they would rather go to. But don't play the martyr!
Do something to serve your husband or wife. Do a chore of theirs they’ve been meaning to get to for a while. Serve him or her breakfast in bed.
Put your love down on paper. By this I mean write a love letter (not in an email, but using real paper, written by hand). Do it out of the blue, for no special reason except to convey your love. Husbands without the gift of prose can check this link from The Art of Manliness. Here is a link of suggestions for wives from The Intimate Couple.
Share the gift of non-sexual touch. Hold hands. Walk arm in arm. Hug. Give a neck or foot massage while you are watching TV. Be generous with your touch.
Ask an intimate question and be ready to really listen. Husbands, ask “Is there anything I do that makes you feel unloved?” Wives, ask “Is there anything I do that makes you feel disrespected?”
Give public praise to your spouse. Brag on him or her in front of others. Post a picture of something great they did on Facebook. Tweet your undying devotion.
Practice listening well. Make eye contact. Be empathetic. Don’t try to fix everything, but be willing to just be a compassionate shoulder.
Say it!! Regularly tell your spouse how much you love and adore him or her. Say it often. Don’t assume they know. And say specifically why!

Of course this list is only a small starting point. Hopefully it got your own creative juices flowing and you will be able to come up with many more ways to put on love for your spouse.

Help my readers! Leave a comment with your own specific ideas on how you put on love for your husband or wife!

In truth, the rest of this series is also about putting on love in various ways. Kindness, patience, forgiveness, etc. are all expressions of love. So be sure to come back for the rest of the series. Better yet, sign up to get my posts sent directly to your inbox by entering your email address below (will not be shared with anyone, ever).

photo credit: You can buy the print in the picture directly from the artist at this link

Next in the series: Put on Kindness

Dress For Success - Put on Love

2013-01-03T20:20:00.000-05:00

Love is not simply an emotion you feel. It’s something you choose to wear.

Best New Year wishes to all my readers!

I’m kicking off the year with a series challenging you to revamp your marriage wardrobe for 2013. If you read my last post, then you know I’m not talking about clothing or fashion.

No, instead I’m talking about the kind of behaviors and attitudes that the Bible challenges us to put on in Colossians 3. “You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.” (Col 3:9-10NIV)

This great scripture passage describes in detail the kind of “wardrobe” that we can put on to help build a successful marriage. Today, we will start where the passage concludes:

The most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony.
(Col 3:14 NLT)

A New View of Love

Did you ever think of love as something you choose to put on, something you wear on purpose?

I love that image, because it refutes the notion that love is just something you feel or don’t feel, a giddy emotion that might be there one day and gone the next. When you limit love to an emotion, it makes it fickle and fleeting. And if this is love, then it is easy to put the onus of “staying in love” on our partner and their behavior.

When you think of love as something you wear on a daily basis it completely changes the game. It becomes my personal choice.

Learning to Wear Love

How do you put on love? Let me point you to a fabulous piece of advice from scripture. It’s one that I quote often around here:

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.
Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG)

Love like that. Yeah, that’s it. Be like Jesus. Extravagant. Selfless. Giving everything for the sake of intimacy with us. He held nothing back. Neither should we.

I’m not kidding about how important getting to know Jesus' love is! The best way to put on love is to put on Jesus. And to do that, you have to know him and be a student of his love. Here's how the Apostle Paul sums it up a few chapters earlier.

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:17-19 (NIV)

The key to fullness in life is also the key to fullness in marriage. Paul makes it clear in this passage that we cannot fully know the dimensions of Christ’s love. It’s a lifelong pursuit. Don’t assume you get it. You don’t. I don’t. We can't. It’s impossible. There is always way more that can be revealed to our “inner being” by the Holy Spirit.

So if you make only one New Years resolution for your marriage this year, make it this: to go hard after knowing the love of Christ. Then, whatever you learn, be determined to wear it every day.

I hear the protests, “Okay, that's great, but what do I actually DO?” So, if you must have a punch list, a starting point for your love outfit, I’ll get to that next time. Until then think really hard about what you are going to do this year to pursue the knowledge the love of Christ.

Meanwhile, what do you think it means to “put on love?” Leave a comment and let us know!

Next in the series: Put on Love Part 2

PS Did you know I have a monthly email newsletter on intimacy called "Pathways?"
To preview my latest issue, which focuses on sexual intimacy, click HERE
To subscribe (and get my free Intimacy Challenge ebook), click HERE

photo credit: stock photo / 123rf.com

Dress For Success in 2013

2012-12-28T11:26:00.000-05:00

A Brand New Wardrobe is Yours! For Free!

It is that time of year when many of us will reflect on 2012 and start thinking ahead to 2013. The coming New Year gives us all time to consider a fresh start.

Whether you make resolutions for 2013 or not, chances are there are things that you want to improve or change next year. I’m hoping that among those is a desire to improve your marriage. No matter how your marriage is today, there is always room to grow.

Today I’m kicking off a series, “Dress for Success,” which will challenge you to consider a new wardrobe for the new year. The great news about this new wardrobe is that it is yours absolutely free.

Dressing for the New You

Want some more great news? You’re dead!

That’s right. The Bible tells us believers that “You died when Christ died, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Col 3:3) The old self is dead and gone, dealt with forever! What a relief!

Through the death and resurrection of Jesus, you and I are completely made new. We don’t have to struggle to renew ourselves because we have already been made into the righteousness of Christ (Phil 3:9). It’s a done deal.

I don’t need to resolve to “be a better person” in 2013. I already am! I don’t have to strive to “be a better husband” in 2013; I just need to walk fully in the new nature that has been given to me in Jesus. My new nature includes all that I need to be the husband my wife needs.

However, I do need to consider what dress is appropriate for this new me. I have to consider what I should “put on” and what I should “take off.”

You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
Col 3:9-10

How to Dress for Your Marriage

This concept of how you choose to clothe yourself relates directly to your marriage.

The third chapter of Colossians describes some of the things we should refuse to wear, such as sexual sin, greed, anger, lying, and slander. Toss out these old clothes! It then goes on to describe our new wardrobe – one befitting our new nature.

“Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with…”

tenderhearted mercy
kindness
humility
gentleness
patience.
make allowance for each other's faults
forgive the person who offends you

The passage then concludes, “The most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony.” (Col 3:12-14 NLT)

The most amazing part of this whole thing is that this new wardrobe has already been provided to us completely free of charge. All we have to do is choose to put it on! It is not a matter of striving and struggling. Simply choose to put on that which has already been provided!

So what does it look like to “dress for success” in your marriage? I find it fascinating and not a bit coincidental that these verses in Colossians 3 come right before Paul's admonitions for marriage just a few verses later (husbands loving their wives and wives living in submission to their husbands). Clearly, how we "dress" directly and profoundly affects our marriage.

In the coming posts, I’ll be unpacking (pun intended) some of these new clothes that Colossians 3 describes.

Wouldn't you love some new clothes to wear in 2013?

Next up in the series: Put on Love

photo credits:

top photo - diego_cervo / 123rf.com

bottom photo - savas40 / 123rf.com

Being Salt and Light With Your Marriage (Part 3)

2012-12-21T15:05:00.000-05:00

Do you make the mistake of assuming that just because people go to church they have great marriages that are based on God’s design?

This is the third part in my series on how your marriage can be “salt and light” to those around you, in accordance with Jesus’ command in Matthew 5:13-14. You might want to check out Part 1 and part 2 as well.

Today I’m talking about being salt and light to the other couples in your church.

Don’t Assume

Do you assume that couples in your church know what a biblical marriage looks like? Fewer than you think actually understand the depths to which marriage is meant to be passionate, intimate, selfless, exciting and enduring. Very few probably know the extent to which God is pro-marriage, pro-intimacy, and pro-sex.

Sadly, too many would probably describe biblical marriage with rules like “don’t get divorced” and “don’t have sex outside of marriage” and “pray together every day.” Sadder still, and maybe because of a lack of understanding of what marriage is really about, the divorce rate among “nominal” Christians is actually 20% higher than those with no religious affiliation.[1]

Christian World View of Marriage

Os Hillman, who I quoted in my first Salt and Light post, explains further our misplaced expectations of the media’s world view this way:

It is unrealistic for Christians to think the national media will report without their worldview eventually showing up in their reporting. The only way to change this is to impact the individual who will then adopt a Christian worldview. Sadly though, less than 19% of the Christian population has a Christian worldview. So, how can we expect the media to have a Christian worldview if we in the Body of Christ do not even have one? We are losing the culture both within the Christian community and outside the Christian community.

I don’t know where his 19% number comes from or whether it’s accurate, but my experience has been that there is certainly not a widespread understanding among Christians of what it means to have a thriving biblical marriage.

Trumpeting the good news of God’s great plan for marriage is the main reason I do what I do here.

Who Owns This Problem?

I’ve said for a long time that Christians should have the most amazing marriages. We have the secret! We know the One who designed it! Yet the contrast between the church and the world is not what it should be.

Barna Research’s Project Director Meg Flammang said of their findings on divorce statistics: "We would love to be able to report that Christians are living very distinct lives and impacting the community, but ... in the area of divorce rates they continue to be the same." Truthfully, the Barna data is misleading in that it doesn’t distinguish between those who are actively practicing their faith and those who simply report themselves as believers (more on the Christian divorce rate myth here).

However, I stand by my contention that there isn’t a big enough distinction between marriages inside and outside the church.

One reason is that most churches focus a lot more on pre-marital counseling and divorce intervention for marriages in crises than they do on strengthening “average” marriages. This is supported by a recent survey conducted by fellow marriage blogger at Mission Husband. Gerald writes:

For the most part, most of this survey turned out like I had assumed it would. Sadly, I think ministry to “normal marriages” in the church (ie ones that aren’t falling apart yet) is for the most part coming up very short in most of our churches. From: “The Church and Marriage; Are we doing enough?”

So whose job is it to get those in the church to take marriages to the next level? Pastors? Church leadership? Christian marriage counselors? No! It’s our job, yours and mine. It’s up to everyday believers like you and me, who know and want to share about God’s design for marriage.

But What Can I Do?

The 2011 State of Our Unions report by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia offers some insight into this question. They report that:

Husbands and wives with high levels of social support for their marriage are at least 23 percentage points more likely to report that they are very happy, or almost 50 percent more likely to be very happy in their marriages, when family and friends are invested in their marriages. Moreover, a high level of support from family and friends is one of the top five predictors of marital quality and stability for married mothers in this study.

Simply stated, you can make a huge impact on other marriages simply by providing marital support to your friends. Here a few ideas on how you can impact the marriages immediately around you in your own church.

Start a marriage small group in your church (or join one).
Set up a date night babysitting exchange for couples with young kids.
If your marriage is struggling, find and befriend some couples whose marriages you admire.
If you have a strong marriage, get together with some couples you think could benefit from your experience.
Ask your church to plan a marriage-building retreat into next year’s calendar and budget.
Offer to lead your church’s participation in this year’s National Marriage Week events this coming February 7-14.

What do you say? Are you ready to get engaged for the sake of the marriages around you? Do you have some more ideas on what we can do in our local churches to strengthen “normal” marriages? What have you already done or are you doing? Share your thoughts below!

Romantic Christmas - It's Not Too Late!

2012-12-17T16:14:00.000-05:00

Christmas Eve is only a week away! If you still don’t have any idea what to do to make this a romantic Christmas, I’m here to equip you for the task.

[I’m interrupting my “Salt and Light” series for this emergency “what do I do about Christmas” broadcast. Our regular programming will resume shortly.]

Not everyone sees Christmas as a time for romance. Indeed, the priority during this season should be on the spiritual and family dimensions of the holidays, but don’t neglect this opportunity to add in a little romance with your husband or wife.

Ideas, Ideas, and More Ideas

Because I’ve waited until so late to do this post, I’m able to point you to the many fellow marriage bloggers who have done the groundwork for me! Here they are in no particular order:

From Brad and Kate at One Flesh Marriage

2012 Guy’s Gift Guide to Wow your Wife – gifts based on HER Love Language

2012 Wife’s Gift Guide to Knock Your Hubby’s Socks Off – Lots of intimacy-building ideas (intimacy HIS way)

From Paul, The Generous Husband

Romantic Christmas Music

Love (letter) in a bottle

Give yourself

More Gifts for Her

From Lori, The Generous Wife

On His Pillow A daily dose of love from now until Christmas

Christmas Words of Love

More Gifts for Him

From Lori at Marriage Gems

Great Gift Ideas and What to Never Buy Your Wife - heads up men!

From Sheila at To Love Honor and Vacuum

keeping Christmas sane and at the end the three gift of Christmas suggestion: something they want, something they need, something for their soul

Get Sheila's 31 Days to Great Sex ebook and plan to start together in January! Great way to kick off the new year by investing your marriage.

From Debi and Tom at The Romantic Vineyard:

Husbands Only Romantic Christmas Ideas

Wives Only Romantic Christmas Ideas

A Few Romantic Gift Ideas of My Own

Husbands:

Skip the poinsettia this year and bring your wife a beautiful Christmas flower arrangement
Give her a Tea or Coffee gift, according to her preference, along with a note suggesting that the two of you enjoy it together during ten minutes of connection time each day (or on designated days, if daily isn’t possible).
Tickets to a concert, play, ballet or other performance that you know she would love to see. Pick it based solely on her desire, not your own, and make sure you are enthusiastic about going with her.
Sign up for my new Pathways monthly intimacy e-newsletter and get a free copy of my 14 Day Intimacy Challenge for Husbands.Take the challenge as a "secret" gift, or you can tell her that she has 14 Days of Intimacy coming her way, but tell her nothing more.

Wives:

Buy something for his desk at work (a pen set, desk organizer, a framed picture, etc.) and write a hand-written note that says “Every time you look at this/use this remember how proud I am of the way you work hard to take care of us” or something to that effect in your own words.
Lingerie – and I’m talking about the kind that is primarily for his viewing pleasure - you know what I mean. If you aren’t sure what he'd like to see you in, get a gift card and suggest you shop together. If either or both of you are too shy to go into a lingerie shop, a gift card from an online retailer would work instead.
Tickets to a sporting event, boat show, or concert that you know he really wants to see but might not ask for, in deference to your preferences. Make sure he knows how excited you are to go along with him to whatever it is.
Sign up for my new Pathways monthly intimacy e-newsletter and get a free copy of my 14 Day Intimacy Challenge for Wives. Take the challenge as a "secret" gift, or you can tell him that he has 14 Days of Intimacy coming his way, but tell him nothing more.

If you are on already on top of this Christmas, romantically speaking, share your ideas below! Caution: you might want to post your comment anonymously if your spouse also reads my blog!! Don't want any Christmas spoilers!