Journey to Surrender

National Marriage Week - Free E-Book

2012-02-08T13:33:00.000-05:00

Click on the cover art above to download your free copy.

In honor of National Marriage Week, our friends at MarriageWorks have put together a FREE ebook of marriage encouragement and inspiration entitled, "Stay Connected." I'm proud to be among the 18 contributing authors for this great resource. I hope you'll read my page 4 article entitled "What If" and let me know what you think!

Also be sure to check out my Facebook Page, where I'm posting lots of cool stuff all week long in honor of National Marriage Week that speaks to the importance of marriage in our society today.

Lastly, click on over to the National Marriage Week website and see what the global celebration of marriage is all about and how you can help.

From February 7th to 14th every year— is a collaborative effort to encourage many diverse groups to strengthen individual marriages, reduce the divorce rate, and build a stronger marriage culture, which in turn helps curtail poverty and benefits children. Together we can make more impact than working alone. Please join with others to host special events, launch a marriage class or home group, or place local advertising or news stories during National Marriage Week USA.

It’s Time! V-Day Anxiety Cure #4

2012-02-07T04:00:00.025-05:00

Yes, it’s now seriously time to get your romance on!

Valentine’s Day is a week away, and some of you are still thinking, “I’m still not sure what I’m going to do.” You’ve got plenty of time to plan something special. This post will help!

Some of you are thinking, “We don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day, anyway.” Let me suggest that this year be the year you start!

And some of you are thinking (talking mostly to husbands here), “I’m not really the romantic type.” That’s a lousy excuse for not giving your lovely wife the romance she so craves and deserves!

Read on for some great resources for the romantically impaired!

But First, Our Winner(s)

We had a great response to our Romantic Dinner Giveaway Contest! In total there were 483 entries! Thanks to all of you who “liked” my new Facebook page, followed me on Twitter, joined our mailing list, tweeted the contest, or wrote about their romantic experiences on the contest post or on my FB page.

The winner of the random number drawing is number 199.

Number 199 turned out to be:

Lindsay, whose Twitter follow entry was selected, has been contacted to claim her prize of a $75 Amex gift card. Congratulations! Enjoy dinner on me this Valentine's Day.

Now, I am happy to also announce, as a special bonus, an unadvertised consolation prize. I have decided to present an award for most diligent contestant to Eunice B, who entered the contest every way possible, including tweeting about it every single day of the contest (my apologies to her Twitter followers!). Eunice and her husband will receive a $25 gift card as my way of saying thanks for trying so hard.

Time to Get Naked!

2012-02-03T14:39:00.002-05:00

I know what you are thinking about that title, but that is not what this post is about, at least not for the most part.

Today I’m talking about the second of three navigational tools for marriage: Transparency.

If you missed it, you may want to go back and read about the first tool: Watchfulness.

The Naked Truth

Did you know that “nakedness” is actually the ideal condition in marriage? It’s true.

If you go back to the Garden of Eden, back to Adam and Eve, before sin entered the picture, here is how the Bible describes the situation:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed

Genesis 2:24-25

That’s right. They were totally naked with and totally without shame. That’s the ideal state.

Lest you think I’m promoting some form of nudism, let me say that I strongly believe this verse is about way more than physical nakedness. It’s not even just about sex with the lights on. It’s about a state of existence, a way of living with your spouse that includes your spiritual life and your soul – your thoughts, desires and emotions – in addition to the physical.

Transparency is about nakedness in everything.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

I received a Tweet from the @ThePureBed this morning that said,

To resist transparency and vulnerability with our mate is a sign of weakness, not strength. Opening a heart takes strength.

Very timely and so true! Transparency is not the easiest road to travel. It’s especially difficult to share the stuff we consider bad or ugly about ourselves. That’s the stuff we tend to want to hide behind the proverbial fig leaves of shame and pretense.

But the truth is that the level of intimacy in your marriage will be capped by the level of transparency, and therefore, vulnerability, that you have with your spouse. That’s because intimacy, in my definition, is being completely known and yet totally loved.

The Trust Factor

Trust is often the deal-breaker when it comes to transparency. If you don’t feel safe to divulge your real self, you are a lot less likely to do it, plain and simple.

Trust develops in your marriage when unconditional love and respect are freely given on both sides. If the atmosphere is full of judgment, criticality and disrespect, trust cannot grow, and transparency will be greatly inhibited.

The thing is, when it comes to fostering trust in your marriage, you can only control you. But even though you only directly control half the trust equation, when you respond with love and respect (not necessarily acceptance or agreement) to whatever your spouse reveals to you, and when you push your own comfort level of transparency, it automatically shifts the atmosphere in the right direction.

It’s very helpful if BOTH of you expect unconditional love to given by the other. Shame and fear fight against transparency, but believing and accepting the love of your spouse is a strong weapon in battle for intimacy.

Divulge Your Dreams

Transparency is a vast topic that I’ve really only been able to give a surface level treatment here, but before I conclude I want to point to one other important aspect.

Transparency is only partly about opening up with your weaknesses and failings, but it’s equally important to nakedly share your dreams and desires with each other too. Don’t be afraid to share your big, bold dreams with your spouse. You are a team, and any dreams can only be reached together.

The same dynamic actually applies even to smaller, daily wants and wishes. If you really believe your husband or wife wants to love you well, you can help them by expressing your desires in a non-demanding, yet forthright manner. A comfort level with sharing small needs and requests opens the door to sharing the deeper things.

If you are on the listening end, don’t pour cold water on your spouse’s dreams and desires. It doesn’t mean you have to be 100% on board with everything immediately, but strive to be a good receiver. Be an encourager rather than a discourager.

I’ll leave you with an assignment: think of one thing, large or small, either a desire or a difficulty, that you’ve not been willing to share with your spouse before, and share it with them this weekend. Encourage him or her to do the same.

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V-Day Anxiety Cure #3 – Homemade Luxury Spa

2012-01-30T20:20:00.002-05:00

What wife wouldn’t love a day of pampering at a luxury spa this Valentine’s Day? But for many, such a gift just does not fit the family budget.

With a little creativity and boldness, plus a few dollars, you can create your own in-home luxury spa experience for your sweetheart. This one, guys, is a guaranteed hit! And truthfully, even if you have the funds, there are definite fringe benefits to making your own homemade spa, if you know what I mean.

The Presentation

The presentation is important, because it tells her right off that you went to some degree of effort on her behalf. It also tells her that something special is about to happen. I’ll give you a few options in how you present your spa gift to your wife.

First, create your own spa gift certificate on the computer. If you aren’t the creative type, just use a Google images search for “Spa Certificate Template.” You will only have 1.8 million search results to choose from. Of course, you’ll want to personalize it as much as possible.

Print it on the nicest paper you have or on blank greeting card stock, if you have that. You can put your certificate in an envelope, printed with a mysterious image or phrase, or just her name in a nice script. You could also create your own oversized spa-type envelope using some colored file folders and a fancy corded closure, similar to what is pictured here. If all that sounds like too much work, you can always just gift wrap the certificate in a thin box.

However you decide to present the gift, you want the connotation of luxury and indulgence.

Setting the Environment

I’ve never been to an actual spa, but I assume they have a nice, relaxing ambiance. And that’s the environment you want to set.

Start off with a taste treat for her. Take her somewhere that she likes to relax. In any event it should be somewhere besides the kitchen table. Make some tea or coffee and serve it to her along with a small tray of her favorite goodies. Candles and music are a nice touch, or you can save those for later.

Tell her just to relax and enjoy the goodies while you go make the final preparations for the rest of her “spa visit.”

Spoil Her All Over

Exactly what you include in her spa experience is up to you, but be sure to consider her preferences in planning what you do. Here’s a list of possible ideas:

A warm bath – Use her favorite bath oil. Offer to wash her back or even all over. Dry her yourself with a towel warmed in the dryer. Bring her a nice robe.
Foot massage – options include an exfoliating foot scrub or using some pre-warmed massage oil. Take your time. Include her ankles and calves.
Facial Cleansing Mask – These kits are available in most drug stores. You can incorporate this as part of the bath or put in on before you do the foot massage.
Fully body massage – use some pre-warmed massage oil or her favorite scented lotion (oil provides longer-lasting lubrication for a thorough massage). Check out Paul Byerly’s (The Generous Husband) great post on non-sexual massage.
Face brushing – have her lay on her back and close her eyes. Then use a collection of different sized make-up brushes all over her face and neck and wherever else she might like the sensation of hundreds of tiny, silky-soft bristles.
Manicure and/or Pedicure – if you are feeling brave, try to paint her fingernails and/or toenails with the color of her choosing. If it doesn’t turn out (and mine never do) it’s still fun and usually good for a laugh.
Sensual massage – The big benefit of doing the spa at home, in addition to saving a ton of money, is that at any time during this spa the experience things can turn into something more intimate and sexually explicit. Paul has a couple of other useful posts on Sexual Massage and Orgasmic Massage that you should check out.

Remember, you'll want to carry the atmosphere of luxury and relaxation throughout the entire spa experience. Candles, music and soft lighting all add a nice touch.

Saying "I Love You" Loud and Clear

As much as your wife will love the spa experience itself, what she’ll enjoy even more is the way this gift is a living example of your servant-hearted love for her. In a loud and clear way, this gift will make her feel cared for, pampered, cherished and very intimate with you.

Check out more Romantic Ideas for more inspiration!

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It’s Not Too Late!

There are only six more days left to for entries in our free romantic dinner giveaway! Click on over and see how you can increase your chances of winning by helping to spread the word about Journey to Surrender and by sharing your own romantic Valentine’s Day stories.

Even if you aren’t interested in the giveaway, be sure to stop by and read the all comments where our readers share their many romantic Valentine’s Day experiences.

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From Mundane to Marvelous

2012-01-28T22:29:00.000-05:00

Maybe you’ve come to realize that your marriage isn’t where it should be. There are signs of strain and things aren’t quite what they used to be. That’s actually good, because awareness of what is going on is the first step toward turning things around.

Maybe you’ve settled it in your heart to grow your marriage, to make it stronger, more intimate, more passionate and full of life. As I encouraged in my last post, you’ve realized that there is so much more in store for your marriage. Good for you!

Maybe you’ve even take some steps and made some changes that are producing fruit in your marriage. Terrific! I’m excited for you!

Regardless of which scenario fits your situation, I’m going to offer you some important tools to help you navigate the marital road ahead. These are like a compass (or more aptly a GPS) for your marriage, to help you get from where you are to where you want to go.

Watchfulness

The first, and in some ways most important, of these three marital navigation instruments is watchfulness.

Watchfulness is really about getting off autopilot. It’s about living your life fully alive and awake instead of dazed, dull and half asleep. It’s about keeping yourself focused and alert.

You can apply watchfulness to many areas of your life, including your spiritual life. But our focus today is on being watchful in your marriage.

Watchfulness is the key to transforming the mundane into the marvelous. When you begin to master the skill of watchfulness, you get in tuned into your spiritual, mental, emotional and physical senses and become fully aware of how all that you are thinking, doing and speaking affects your marriage and your spouse.

To gauge your current degree of watchfulness, consider how often are you really aware of how you are impacting your marriage and your spouse?

How and What to Watch

Watchfulness is mostly an internal discipline, yet watchfulness can strongly guide your actions in a way the hugely benefits the entire atmosphere of your marriage. Let’s look at a few key areas to watch.

Mental – How well do you control your thought life, particularly with respect to your spouse and your marriage? Do you purposefully think thoughts of thankfulness and blessing or do you tend to focus on what’s missing or what you aren’t getting?
Emotional – do you tend to be emotionally reactive or are you able to step back and keep negative emotions in check? Do you watch how you express your emotions to your spouse? Intentionally foster positive emotions of love and intimacy. Stir yourself to be emotionally present.
Sexual – Did you know you can also be sexually watchful? Staying attuned to your sexual desires and fueling passion for your spouse can pay significant dividends in sexual intimacy.
Spiritual – stay tuned into what God is doing and saying about your marriage. “Discern the seasons” and direction of things in your own spiritual life and that of your wife or husband.

The Habit of Watchfulness

I realize that there is so much competing for your attention these days that it can be a challenge to remain watchful over your marriage. The constant bombardment of our senses from every direction can actually drive us to want to disengage from them rather than pay closer attention to them.

But truthfully, learning to keep attuned in your spirit, soul and body in ways that benefit your marriage, as challenging as it might be, is a habit that can be cultivated and strengthened through regular exercise. The more you do it, the better you get at it.

I’ll conclude the topic of watchfulness with a caution: use it only to focus on the good stuff. Watchfulness is not about nitpicking or finding fault. Rather, its’ about keeping your heart alive in a way that enhances intimacy, passion and desire for your spouse.

What are the areas where you’ve tuned out and need to be more watchful in your own marriage? What have you done to cultivate a habit of watchfulness and to keep your own marriage off of autopilot?

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Some more related thoughts on watchfulness:

Why OK is Not Really OK

2012-01-23T21:20:00.006-05:00

Whether you view your marriage as a sacred covenant or a simply legal status, your marriage is a living organism.

That means it is either growing or dying.

There is no healthy dormant state in marriage; no acceptable status-quo. If you think you are just coasting and that everything is good enough, you are deceiving yourself. If you think it’s all OK, it’s probably not.

That may sound harsh, but I believe it’s the truth.

I think settling for OK is one of the most dangerous threats to marriages across the board – more than affairs, financial arguments or porn. That’s a pretty bold claim, I know. I believe it is so because it is that kind of complacent attitude that puts marriages on a path to so many of the other things that ultimately end up getting blamed for divorce.

Choose Your Path

You see, you and your spouse are either on the path of intimacy or on the path of separation. There is no middle ground, at least not for long.

Why do so many couples seem to wake up one day suddenly asking themselves questions like: “where has the passion gone?” or “why does he always treat me like that?” or “why doesn’t she trust me?” or “why does he leave everything to me?” or “does she always have to be such a nag?” or “isn’t she attracted to me any more?” Maybe these are similar to questions that you’ve been asking.

For many the path that ends in these questions is a subtle one. You can be on the path of separation for months or even years, all the while thinking that everything is OK enough, before you suddenly realize where you are: in a marriage that lacks the passion, intimacy and trust you want; maybe even the kind you once had.

The path of separation is an easy road. In some ways it’s nature’s course. That’s why it’s so easy to end up there if you simply settle for an OK marriage. This path is both divergent and accelerating – the longer you are on it the further apart you grow and the faster you grow apart.

By contrast, the path of intimacy is one that requires a daily choice; actually lots of daily choices.

The Path of Intimacy

The first choice is to believe that there is more in store for your marriage than what you enjoy today and that marital degeneration is not inevitable. You have to believe that OK is not good enough, that having a great marriage is not only possible, but within your reach.

Then you need to do something about it. To keep your marriage on the path of intimacy there are also a few helpful navigational instruments: watchfulness, transparency and accountability. These three interrelated tools are like a GPS for your marriage.

I’m going to do a post on each in the coming days, but for now here is a quick look at them:

Watchfulness fights against our natural human tendency to put ourselves on autopilot, devoid of passion and purpose. It means keeping your spirit, soul and body wide awake to all that is going on in and around you.
Transparency is learning to be “naked without shame.” It’s the compliment of watchfulness in that it means purposefully allowing yourself to be seen for who you really are, to open yourself up to your spouse to be “watched.”
Accountability includes being accountable to God, to yourself and to each other, but also means including other strong couples in your circle of friends.

So today I’m encouraging you to shake yourself awake and set your sights on growing your marriage this year.

I’m asking you not to settle for OK and to do whatever it takes to get or keep your marriage on the path of intimacy.

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V-Day Anxiety Cure #2 – Romantic Balloon Pop

2012-01-20T15:09:00.001-05:00

Many thanks to all of you who have helping promote my romantic dinner giveaway by liking my new Facebook page and following me on Twitter.

Also thanks to those who have been sharing their romantic Valentine’s Day stories on my giveaway post and on Facebook. Really great stuff! Go check them all out.

So I suppose it’s my turn again to share about another of our Valentine’s Day celebrations. If you missed Anxiety Cure #1, The Numbers Game, you may want to go back and check that one out too.

Romantic Balloon Pop

Installment number two of romantic ideas to delight your wife this Valentine’s Day is little less involved than the 100 things, but it’s still a very fun way to spend the day focused on building intimacy between you and your wife.

What you’ll need for this romantic idea: a sheet of cardboard or piece of foam core board (part of a cut-open box works fine for this), a dozen balloons (red, white and red, in keeping with the colors of the occasion), and a dozen of something that can fit inside a balloon.

The “something” is up to you. It can be a dozen fun/romantic activities, a dozen love-coupons, or even a dozen little gifts. Of course the gift doesn’t have to actually fit inside the balloon, so instead, put something small representing the gift, a clue to where the gift is hidden or even just a piece of paper with a picture of it – use your imagination.

I found it fun to mix it up and include some fun activities (like going to a romantic movie or a walk), some little gifts (like a box of chocolate covered cherries – her favorite), a poem I wrote, and some romantic activities (like a massage for her).

Whatever dozen things you decide to use as part of this little game, you’ll need to figure out what can go inside the balloons. Stretch the mouth of the balloon open and push the item into the un-inflated balloon, then blow it up and tie off the balloon. Mount the balloons by cutting small x’s in the board and pushing the stem of the balloon through. You can use a heart-shaped pattern similar to that shown in the picture at right, or whatever pattern you want.

You can also add your own flare to this by decorating the cardboard in some meaningful way: pictures, sayings, Vday decorations, or whatever.

Playing the Game

Present the board to your love along with a pin or something else sharp enough to pop the balloons. There are several fun ways of playing the game. The great part is that you get to make up the rules!

If you want the balloons to be popped in a certain sequence, number them with a permanent marker. If you want it to be a total surprise have her approach the board blindfolded and see if she can pop one. You can raise the suspense level and say she’s only allowed to pop one balloon per hour, stretching the game out all day long..

As with V-Day Anxiety Cure #1, the whole point of this game is to make your wife feel loved, cherish and adored. Relax and have fun with it, but make sure she knows how much you care for her.

If you end up giving this one a try, I’d love to hear back from you how it goes!

Win a Romantic Dinner for Two!!

2012-01-18T13:02:00.010-05:00

Journey to Surrender is excited to announce a contest in honor of the upcoming holiday of love.

The winner of the random drawing will be able to celebrate with a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner for two, compliments of Journey to Surrender, using a $75.00 American Express Dining Gift Card.

If you are looking for some other ideas for your Valentine's Day celebration, check all our Romantic Ideas. More ideas coming soon!

Also be sure to check the stories in the comments below for some more great romantic ideas from our readers!!

There are a bunch of ways to enter the drawing, each of which increases your chances of being chosen in the random drawing, and each of which helps get the word out about Journey to Surrender. Use them all!

1) Did you know that Journey to Surrender now has a Facebook page! There you'll find extra content like marriage-related videos, news stories, and conversations not found on my blog. So head over and like Journey to Surrender on Facebook for one contest entry. (Click on the "Like" button at the top of the page next to the header.)

2) If you don't already, you can Subscribe to Journey to Surrender by Email for another entry in the contest (new subscribers only). This year I'll be offering some occasional bonus content just to my email subscribers. But don't worry, your email address will NEVER be shared with ANYONE. Be sure to validate your subscription via email from Feedburner.

3) Follow me on Twitter @MarriageJourney. Click the button below for one entry into the drawing. Sorry, new followers only will be entered.

Follow @MarriageJourney

4) Tweet about Journey to Surrender and this contest to your friends and followers by clicking the button below:

Tweet the contest as many times as you like, but only one entry per person per day will be registered in the drawing. (Note: if your tweets are protected, I won't see them unless I follow you on Twitter. I will make a return follow request to as many new followers as I can, but there may be a delay.)

5) Bonus #1: leave a comment below telling us about your own romantic Valentine’s Day experience and get five entries in the contest. One comment entry per person. Anonymous entries will not be entered in the contest.

6) Bonus #2: leave a comment on the wall of our Facebook page telling us about your own romantic Valentine’s Day experience and get five entries in the contest. One Facebook entry per person. This can be the same story or a different story as Bonus #1.

Contest closes at midnight, February 5th and the winner will be announced here on February 7th. The winner will also be contacted by Twitter direct message, Facebook Message, or email, depending on where the winning entry came from.

Spread the word!!

V-Day Anxiety Cure #1 – The Numbers Game

2012-01-17T12:44:00.003-05:00

You may be trying to ignore it, but doing so won’t make it go away.

I’m talking about Valentine’s Day, that annual romantic holiday that so many men often find daunting and completely intimidating. We are exactly four weeks away today, so there’s still plenty of time to plan how you are going to delight your spouse this year. And to me, that’s what Valentine’s Day is really all about – delighting my wife with my love and taking delight in hers.

In keeping with my promise to do more Romantic Idea posts this year, I’m going to try to help you take the fear factor out of this Valentine’s Day by giving you a bunch of sure-to-please romantic ways to celebrate this important day. (If you don’t happen to observe this particular holiday, then these ideas can be adapted to fit birthdays and anniversaries just as well.)

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to be offering a series of romantic Valentine’s Day ideas. These are all things that my wife and I have done ourselves, so they are test-driven, so to speak. Importantly, they can all be scaled to be more or less involved and all can be adapted to suit the particular desires of your own spouse. That's REALLY important.

Although I’m going to write these as if it is the husband doing the planning, these can also be turned around and be given by the wife.

So on with Romantic Valentine’s Day idea number one.

One Hundred Things

You’ve probably seen on various blogs the “100 Things About Me” lists. It’s intended to provide a snapshot of who you are using a simple bullet list of random facts. This romantic idea is a variation on the 100 things notion: “100 Things I Love About You.”

Now if 100 seems like too large a number, use 50 or 25 or even 10. The important thing, regardless of the number you choose, is that you convey your heart to your wife. These don’t have to be “big” things. In fact they shouldn’t be. One of the reasons I liked using a larger number is because it let me include a lot of random little things that otherwise might not ever get mentioned or noticed, things she might not even be aware that I admire about her.

Start by brainstorming. Don’t try to organize it or filter your list yet, just dump it all down in a jumble. Think of every little thing about your wife that you love: things she does for you, physical attributes, things you do together, spiritual things, her personality, her gifts and talents, cute things she says, idiosyncrasies, and habits that make you smile. You get the idea. Nothing should be off limits if it’s something you admire. If your wife is sure not to see it, keep the list in your wallet or on your phone so you can jot more things down as you think of them.

Get Creative

The fun part of this gift is coming up with ways to spread the presentation of the 100 things (or however many) out over the entire day. The idea is that everywhere she turns, all day long, she is coming face-to-face with your love. Not just love in a general sense, but specific reasons why she means so much to you.

If you have the budget, you can also include some of the items with small gifts that represent the particular thing you love. The gifts shouldn’t be the central thing, however, or distract from the main message of “I love you and here is why.”

Some Specific Ideas

Don’t worry, I’m not going to leave everything up to your imagination. To spur your creative juices, below you’ll find an excerpt from my own list of things I love about Jenni.

I started things out in the morning with a card explaining the 100 things idea. You don’t have to. In some ways it might be more fun just to let it unfold and keep her guessing what this is all about.
Messages on heart-shaped post-it notes were stuck to her bathroom mirror to greet her in the morning. “Watching you sleep.” “Your beautiful brown eyes” “How you look so great with or without make-up”
Note attached to a bottle of perfume left on her sink for her to find as she stepped out of the shower. “The way you always smell soooo good.”
Left in her car: a cheap little drug-store stuffed velvet heart that said “You still melt my heart” along with a note that said, “the way your smile still melts me.”
I burned a CD with a recording of my voice, which was left in her car. When she started her car the recording announced items 28-34, including “The way you believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself” and “Your excitement and encouragement when I play you a song I’ve just written.” You could also use your cell-phone voice-memo recorder for this.
At her work, a kindergarten classroom, I had snuck in ahead of her and filled the room with a dozen or so things from the list. This included a framed picture of Jenni with her kids that said, “your amazing gift with children,” and balloons with notes written in sharpie marker, including one saying “the way your hand feels in mine.”
Several printable magnets were stuck to our refrigerator. One contained a picture of her with her friends in England said, “That you are such a good friend.” It’s actually still on our fridge. You can buy a sheet and cut it down or use pre-cut ones.
After lunch she found a note stuck to an old Gene Kelly movie I bought that said, “Enjoying you enjoying old movies.”
Notes pinned to an outfit I bought for her to wear to dinner (or you can just pick something you particularly like her in from her wardrobe). Let’s just say the notes mentioned some of my wife’s favorite physical attributes.
A text message saying “When you fall asleep with your head on me.”
As things got closer to bedtime, I got a little more explicit with my list. The tamest of which was a note by a lit candle that said, “Making love by candlelight.”
Okay, time to stop. You get the notion. I’ve left off all of the ones that were beyond PG-13, but you’ll have to use your own imagination for those. Sorry.
Finally, as a “bonus” I left number 101 for her to find the next morning. It was a little 3x5 frame with a printed note that simply said: “I love that you are mine. I’m the luckiest man alive.”

Advertise Your Love

If your wife wouldn’t be offended by you proclaiming your love in a public way, use Facebook or Twitter to announce some or all of the items from your list – at least all those fit for public consumption. If you can sneak a few in at her place of work or school, it will let her know you are proud that she is yours. And it will make all her coworkers madly jealous! Depending on her plans for the day, you can possibly engage her friends to help too. Ditto on the jealousy thing.

Have Fun

Of course this kind of thing does take a little more planning than does a box of chocolates or a vase of flowers, but it will pay huge dividends in your relationship. Speaking your love out loud all day like this is a great way to build intimacy and for your wife to feel cherished. If she is like most women, this is something she really craves and one of her biggest needs.

Despite the extra effort, it’s important to have fun with this. If your wife sees that you are really getting a kick out of doing it and enjoying yourself, she is more likely to receive your lavish love more graciously and to have fun herself.

Finally, don’t get caught up too much in the execution, and don’t worry if some of the surprises don’t work out exactly as planned. If your list is long and things are presented in a bunch of different and creative ways, some of them aren’t going to come off as you hoped. No big deal.

Remember to keep the main thing the main thing. You want your wife to feel overwhelmed with your love.

Check out these other Vday Anxiety Cure Posts:

- - - - - - - - ANNOUNCEMENT - - - - - - - - -

Big announcement coming tomorrow about our

Romantic Valentine's Day Contest!

Win a romantic dinner, courtesy of

Journey to Surrender

The Mega Mystery

2012-01-12T14:03:00.001-05:00

Through a comment she left on one of my posts, I recently discovered Robyn Gibson’s marriage blog, Up With Marriage. I always love discovering like-minded marriage bloggers and seeing what they have to say, because I always seem to learn something new.

Case in point: in one of her recent posts, One In Marriage, Robyn wrote about something in Ephesians 5 that I’d always seen but never given much thought to. The verse in question is one I’ve referred to many times and is central to what I teach about a bridal paradigm marriage.

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Ephesians 5:31-32 (NKJ)

The word that Robyn pointed out in her post, the one I’ve previously read right past, is the word “great.” The NIV translates it as a “profound mystery.” AMP says it this way, “this mystery is very great.”

Beyond Knowing

The Greek word here is “mega.” Among the definitions in the Greek Lexicon are “things esteemed highly for their importance,” and “Importance of things which overstep the province of a created being.”

In other words, the mystery of marriage and its reflection of Christ and the church is something that is beyond our ability to fully grasp. It’s a mega-mystery. It’s like a mystery novel that can’t be figured out in advance. It has to unfold one clue at a time, step by step. We gain revelation a little at a time through the circumstance of our own marriages.

Personally, I’ve been trying to unpack this mystery for a quite a while now, years even before I started blogging about it, and I still feel like I only have a partial picture of it.

The pursuit of understanding this mystery strikes me as very similar to our pursuit of understanding the love of Christ. A few chapters earlier, in Ephesians 3, the Apostle Paul prays that we would “gain an intimate, experiential knowledge of the unknowable love of Christ.” Is it a silly prayer to pray? After all, if it’s unknowable, how can we know it? It’s so vast, so infinite, such an other-worldly-beyond-our-full-comprehension kind of love. Yet, as we open ourselves up to it, as we study it, ponder it and dwell in it, we continually gain a deeper and deeper understanding of it.

Non-stop Pursuit of Understanding

So what’s the point of this mysterious discussion?

I want to encourage you not to dismiss as “old hat” the important marital principle that your marriage is to be a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church, or on a more personal level, between you and Jesus. It’s much more than a nice saying or a trite metaphor.

There’s more here than we can ever know.

I will never be able to claim a full understand the great mystery of my marriage being a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church. It’s as unknowable as the infinite love of Christ. This mystery is not something I will be able to fully get my head around on this side of heaven, yet I will not stop in my pursuit of comprehending all I can about it. It’s my lifelong pursuit.

I encourage you to do the same.

Has your attitude toward this foundational marriage truth become somewhat casual?

When someone mentions that your marriage should be a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the church, have you ever thought to yourself “I know that?”

Have you ever really considered the spiritual principles that are to carry over into your marriage in a major way?

Looking Ahead to 2012

2012-01-07T14:17:00.003-05:00

I spent the last two posts (here and here) talking about the highlights of what’s been going on here in the last year. Overall it was a great year: I learned a lot, deepened relationships in the blogging community, and grew my readership by about five fold.

I feel like I've really settled into this whole blogging thing and have discovered that I love it!

Today I want to spend looking forward. I want to talk about my plans for the coming year and ask you for some help.

Sex and Romance

If you read my Hot Topics of 2011 post, you know that my relatively few posts that dealt directly with sex and with specific romantic ideas were among the most popular posts from last year.

So you can expect to see quite a bit more on both of these topics this year.

Broadening My Reach

One of the things that really burns on my heart is reaching more church leaders with the message of the Bridal Paradigm and the power of Surrendered Marriage. But more than just getting more pastors and church leaders to read my blog, I want to equip them with helpful tools that make it easier for them to strengthen the marriages in their churches. Research is clear that those who place a high importance on faith have stronger, more enduring marriages than those who do not, but I want to see the marriages in the church so obviously amazing, strong, happy and successful that people flock to the church (and ultimately to God) to see what it’s all about.

The other group I want to reach more is the young married crowd. Somewhere around 70% of my readers have been married more than ten years. And while I greatly appreciate the longevity that represents and the wisdom that comes from experience, I have a heart to see more young couples embracing what the Bible says about marriage instead of what the culture says about marriage or what the culture says the Bible says about it.

Marriage-Building Materials

In line with both of these reach-broadening goals, I am putting the finishing touches on the second edition of a 12-week marriage curriculum that I’ll be test-driving in another small group in my own church. I used the first edition last year in a small group that had couples married between about 5 and 25 years, but I'm hoping for more young-marrieds will sign up this time. My hope is to recruit heavily among the recent influx we’ve had of younger married couples. Once the small group cycle ends, I’ll be polishing off the materials over the summer for the third edition and packaging it up to provide to others. If I can possibly find the time, there may even be a companion ebook to go along with it. All very exciting stuff!!

You can probably look for some excerpts from the curriculum and/or the ebook here later this year.

Survey Says…

In trying to get an understanding of the needs of my readers, I’ve been taking a fresh look at the results of my New Ready Survey. It’s clear that many of you are looking for some more practical, how-to advice for your marriage (82% express a strong interest). While I intend to continue my “Paradigm in Practice” feature, I plan to also start offering a few simple, practical tips at the end of many posts.

The same percentage (also 82% strong interest) are looking for how to grow in intimacy. I think more sex and romance posts, as I mentioned above, will help to answer that need, but I also plan to address this topic more specifically. I wrote so much on intimacy in 2010 that last year I kind of backed off from the topic. This important issue probably needs more attention, along with some more practical, “what do I do to build intimacy” tips.

Help Me Out Here!

What have I missed? What topics do you feel are too often neglected by the marriage blogging community, by marriage books or by the church at large? Leave a comment with your suggestions as to what you’d like to read more of here. I welcome the feedback!!

2011 Hot Topics

2012-01-04T11:37:00.003-05:00

This is the second of two posts reflecting on the past year.

Rather than simply listing my top posts by the Google Analytics page-hit stats, I decided to take a slightly different tact and group the almost 40,000 page views I had over the year into a “hot topics” list for 2011.

The five topics are arranged by total page views around a given theme, with the most popular topics listed first.

Here we go:

1. Submission and Headship

The popularity of these posts points to the contentious nature of what the Bible says about marriage, specifically the role of husband as head or leader and wife walking in submission to him, which is what I call an ordered partnership.

My top post of 2011 on this topic was my Wives Only Wednesday post “Love, Respect and Submission,” in which I try to more clearly define the words that seem to stir such strong emotions in many. (This related post from 2010 also had a lot of traffic over the past year.)

The post above is part of my “What I Believe About Marriage” series, which also included another top hitter, a Man-up-Monday post entitled “Man Up and Lead with Love,” obviously targeted at husbands.

Not surprisingly, these two posts were the two most commented on posts in 2011 as well.

My belief is that a significant majority of the problems in Christian marriage today is not that wives don’t want to submit to their husbands, but that many husbands refuse to step up and lead in a Christ-like manner. Supporting that claim is the fact that more search engine hits than any other in 2011 landed people on my post from 2010 “What if My Husband Won’t Lead.”

2. Sex in A Surrendered Marriage

I don’t write a whole lot specifically about sex, even though I believe a mutually satisfying sex life is one of the most critical dimensions of marriage and one often neglected by the church. Thankfully there are a lot of Christian marriage bloggers who focus almost exclusively on encouraging the sexual dimension of marriages.

The fact that my number one post from 2011, in terms of page views, was “Sexual Surrender or Sexual Satisfaction,” leads me to believe that maybe I should write more sex-related posts. This post is the first in a short series on sexual surrender that also includes one for wives, one for husbands and a concluding post, which Shelia Gregoire quoted in her top 50 Marriage Quotes of 2011 list, which I wrote about in my last post. "Marriage is meant to be more about your surrender than about your satisfaction."

3. Romantic Ideas

In December I started a new feature on romantic ideas that, despite its short time in the hit log, contained my second most popular post for the year, “Romantic Christmas Countdown.” My only other romantic idea post, which was not actually mine but was “My Wife’s First Post,” was also in the top ten for the year. I’m sure this is a feature which will get more attention in 2012, hopefully including another post or two from my lovely wife.

4. Body Image

I believe strongly that body image issues represent one of the biggest intimacy killers among the large spectrum of marital issues. This belief is well-founded, judging by the number of views I received on my post “The Body Image Battle Continues.” That post, directed at wives, was 4th overall in total views for the year. A related post was 5th overall, called “Pretty Amazing,” which includes a “pretty amazing” spoken word video.

If you are a husband, you should also check out my 2010 post “The Body Image Battle,” which is specifically targeted to get husbands engaged in the body image battle their wives face daily. It still gets a lot of hits.

5. Intimacy

I spent a lot of time in back in 2010 focusing on the important topic of intimacy in marriage, and many of those old posts continued to get a lot of attention in 2011. One old post in particular, which claimed you can have as much intimacy as you want in your marriage, was actually 3rd in total page views in 2011.

The topic of intimacy continues to be extremely important to many of my readers, at least according to the ongoing new reader survey. Along that line, there was a top-ten 2011 intimacy related post, “What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You,” which expounds on the importance of knowing your spouse as completely as possible, to the very deepest parts of their being. After all, I define intimacy as “being fully known and yet loved completely.”

So there you have the “hot topics” for 2011 according the what people were actually reading here over the year.

I’ll conclude by mentioning one other important old post for those of you who might be new to my blog. My “Bridal Paradigm Quick Reference on Surrendered Marriage” gives a good introduction to my blog.

Next time I’ll talk about some of my plans for 2012 here at Journey to Surrender.

In the mean time, if there are some topics you’d like to see more of this year or some features that you’ve particularly enjoyed, please leave a comment below.

2011 - The Year in Review

2012-01-03T11:56:00.000-05:00

I’m just getting back into the swing of things after a marvelous extended family vacation over the holidays. I have a few other posts in the queue, but I decided to kick the year off by looking back over 2011 and looking ahead to 2012 over the course of the next few posts.

I've been recognized recently by a couple of marriage blog lists, but by far the greatest honor I had during 2011 was in deepening friendships with several terrific marriage bloggers whom I greatly respect. This includes the chance I had to meet several of them in person.

I’m hoping for even more of the same in 2012.

Lori Byerly, who runs the cornerstone marriage blog “The Generous Wife,” recently named my blog as a 2011 Grow Your Marriage Award recipient.

The award was under the category “For Making Us All Think." Lori describes this category as follows, "These folks regular turn out challenging, thought provoking posts (and I know how much work goes into something like that), kudos."

If you don't already follow Lori's daily tips on how to be a generous wife, I really hope you'll go check out her blog and subscribe.

Sheila Gregoire, who writes at www.tolovehonorandvacuum.com, put up a list of her Top Fifty Marriage Quotes for 2011. I was honored to get two mentions in her list:

Marriage is meant to be more about your surrender than about your satisfaction.

From my post, “Concluding Thoughts on Sexual Surrender,“ the wind-up post in my sexual surrender series.

As husbands, I think one reason we have some trouble with Paul’s command to love our wives “as Christ loved the church,” is that we don’t really fully know how Christ loves the church.

From my post “What Kind of Love is This?” my recent post that retells the Christmas story as a love story from heaven's perspective.

Be sure to check out Sheila's blog, which is on my own do-not-miss list. And watch for her new book coming out soon, "Girl's Guide to Great Sex."

I greatly appreciate the recognition by Lori and Sheila. I'm honored to be counted among some terrific blogging company on both of these lists. I encourage you to go check them all out.

What Kind of Love Is This?

2011-12-23T12:59:00.002-05:00

As husbands, I think one reason we have some trouble with Paul’s command to love our wives “as Christ loved the church,” is that we don’t really fully know how Christ loves the church.

In the Christmas story we have a wonderful portrait of this love right before our eyes. Consider for a moment a hypothetical conversation in heaven between Jesus and the Father.

A Heavenly Conversation

“Father, I think it’s time,” Jesus said.

“I know, yes, it is. My children are lost in darkness.”

“They need the light. My light. Your light.”

“It’s so hard for me to ask you to leave all this. The beauty. The perfection. The nonstop worship. I’ll miss having you here at my right hand.” The Father’s eyes looked down as the immensity of what was about to happen weighed on his heart.

“Yes, I’ll miss this very much. I’ll miss being here with you. But as painful as it is to leave, it’s more painful to stay when I know I can do something of such eternal value.”

The Father looked at Jesus with compassion. “Do you know what this means for you, my Son?”

“Yes. It means I will have an eternal, beautiful radiant bride. It means your people will have a way to you, free and clear. It means the law of love will replace the law of man, freedom will replace bondage, healing for diseases, it means our Spirit will be able reside right inside of those who look to me.”

“That’s not the part I’m talking about. I’m talking about you having to lay aside your heavenly form and take the form of a human. It means experiencing all the realities of the human condition. There will be those who hate you. They will reject you. They will beat you to the very limits of what your human frame can endure.”

The Father put his hand on the Son’s shoulder as a tear formed in his eye. “They will kill you. Brutally.”

“I know Father. I know,” Jesus said, still half smiling up at his Father. “But how else will they know the extent of my love for them. How else will it be possible to blot away all their misdeeds and wandering? You know there is only one way.”

“Of course you are right, Jesus, but that doesn’t make this easy for me.“

The Father turned to the angel standing nearby. “Gabriel, it’s time to prepare the way for my Son to come to earth. Go now and see to it.”

In an instant the angel Gabriel was gone. Everything was set in motion.

The time for Jesus’ own departure was now upon them. “I know I won’t be here,” Jesus said, “but I’ll talk to you every day. I know you’ll be with me wherever I go.”

“I will do what I can to lead you and to strengthen you for what you must do while you are there. Ultimately, this burden is yours to carry, though.”

The Father and Son embraced one last time.

“It will be worth it, Daddy. No matter what it costs me, I know it will be worth it.”

Love Like That

Of course we have no way of knowing whether such a conversation actually took place, but I’m quite sure the heart of it was something like that.

Jesus willingly set aside his authority and chose to clothe himself in humility. He gave his all for our sake. He valued intimacy with us more that his position. At the beginning of chapter 5 in the book of Ephesians, as a preface to famous instructions on marriage, Paul explained it this way:

Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:2 (MSG)

So husbands, as you enjoy extra time with your wife and family this Christmas season, I encourage you to consider the way the One Who is Love came to earth in the form of a baby all those years ago. Consider ways you might show this same kind of love to your wife. It's the best gift you can possibly give.

Be extravagant. Be humble and generous. Be selfless.

It will be worth it.

- - - - - - Check This Out - - - - - -

J at “Hot, Holy and Humorous” did a beautiful video Christmas card to her readers on her blog. It links scriptures from the Song of Solomon with Christmas. It’s perfectly fitting, because after all, Christmas is really part of the ultimate love story. Click on the picture below to see the video. Very cool!

Liberty vs License in Marriage

2011-12-21T13:17:00.002-05:00

I’m a big believer in liberty. I believe that liberty is one of our country’s founding principles. The historical degree of liberty we’ve enjoyed is one of the things that makes our country unique and that has led to our economic livelihood and success. I also see our liberties being slowly (some would say quickly) eroded away by undue government intrusions into way too many areas of our lives.

Now, don’t worry, I’m not turning my blog into a political platform. The reason I bring this topic up is that, as with my last post, liberty and license relate directly to a marriage principle I also believe in strongly.

The “Problem” with Liberty

There is a downside to liberty, which is that some confuse liberty with license. Those who do so will tend to abuse their liberty by acting without appropriate restraint, self-control or consideration of others.

Historian and philosopher Will Durant put it this way, “When liberty becomes license, dictatorship is near.”

What happens when liberty becomes license is that we over-react by introducing often severe restrictions on liberty in the name of fairness. We try to control everyone because of the stupidity of a few. (You can read my last post if you want to see what I think about the appropriateness of fairness as a yardstick for marriage.)

Liberty and License in Marriage

Marriage is to be a place of tremendous liberty but not a place of license.

By liberty I mean that we should not try to force our spouses to conform to our notion of what a husband or wife should be, even if it is biblically based. Don’t approach your marriage with the notion that you can control or change him or her to be what you want. It doesn’t work and will lead to disappointment and frustration all around.

At the same time, neither of you should view the liberty your spouse grants you to “be who you are” as license to behave in any manner you wish, to do whatever you want, or to act without regard to your spouse’s interests or desires.

If you are the husband who sees himself as having the authority to lead his wife and family, taking that kind of license is when liberty edges toward dictatorship, as Durant said. Instead, use the liberty of your authority to love and serve your wife, to ensure that she feels cared for and protected.

A wife who takes license with her liberty, who acts without regard to her husband’s needs and desires, will be seen by her husband as disrespectful, untrusting and ungrateful, and ultimately it will leave him feeling unloved. Instead, use your liberty to act with generosity toward your husband, showing him the respect he desires, the sexual attention he craves and the trust and admiration that makes him feel loved.

When you use the liberty in your marriage to love and serve one another it creates an atmosphere where freedom thrives, where trust grows and where the desire to control and constrain each other dies away.

- - - - Further Reading - - - -

Over at The Generous Husband, Paul Byerly recently wrote about a national marriage study that showed how important generosity is to sustaining a marriage for the long term. I strongly recommend you check it out here.

Marriage is Not A Zero-Sum Game

2011-12-14T12:30:00.000-05:00

As I've been listening to the raging debate here in the U.S. over what to do about our soaring national debt, out-of-control government spending, and tax policy, I can't help thinking about marriage. No, Really. More on that in a minute.

This debt/spending crisis is a train wreck waiting to happen. Everyone knows it, but few are in agreement about what should be done to avoid it. Meanwhile, the train just keeps barreling down the track, picking up speed.But I digress.

This contentious discussion is infused with words like “fairness,” “equity,” and “entitlement.” I’ll be honest and tell you that these are words that tend to grate on my nerves. Typically when these words are invoked, what they really mean is that someone, somewhere, “owes” something to someone else. Implicit in these statements is the notion that an elite set of individuals gets to decide on what fair and equitable means, who owes what to whom, ultimately determining which things certain groups are entitled to take from other groups.

The problem I have with most of the debate is that so many assume a poverty mentality. What I mean by that is that they assume going in that things like wealth, success and resources are in limited supply and capped by the present reality. To those who think this way it’s a zero sum game. So, rather than looking at how to get another pie, or maybe a whole pie factory, the only way to be fair is to say that everyone is entitled to the exactly the same size piece out of the pie that exists today.

Zero-Sum Marriage Mentality

The reason I’ve wandered into this controversial social, political and economic territory today is that there are strong parallels to the way many see their marriages.

Those who look at their marriage as a zero sum game tend not to concern themselves with how to grow themselves or grow their marriage. Instead, they look at what is and try to figure out how to divide it up fairly. Equality and fairness have too often become the criteria by which marriage success is measured. As I’ve said before (see my post The Myth of Equality) that’s just the wrong yardstick for marriage.

The zero sum mentality is what lands so many at the 50/50 marriage paradigm, which says that everything should be divided right down the middle. Husband and wife are to work, cook, clean, manage finances and raise children exactly by halves, as if running parallel lives that minimally intersect, if at all. To them, fairness can only mean sameness. They would have you measure your spouse’s 50 percent carefully and often, fight for your rights and for what you are owed, and make sure that you get back in a measure equal to whatever you give, (and if you can get a little more than that, so much the better).

But is this the way of a biblical marriage?

50-50 and the Bridal Paradigm

If our model for marriage is Jesus and the church, then the 50-50 marriage model really doesn’t apply.

Jesus gave 100 percent. He gave his own life in order to have us 100 percent. He gave all to us and wants us to give all to him. He showed us the way of perfect love: all in, one hundred percent, nothing held back.

What would your marriage be like if both of you threw out the scorecards? What if you were both one hundred percent in, putting everything you have and everything you are into your marriage? What if instead of equity and fairness as the measure of the quality of your marriage, you used the love of Jesus?

What if you used your degree of surrender as the yardstick? I’ll quote here from an earlier post where I described what a surrendered marriage looks like:

A surrendered marriage calls us to surrender self. It means living selflessly and self-sacrificing instead of living self-centered and self-satisfying. It means living against our human nature, because our natural path is the path of self. Rather than focusing on the question of “what are my rights?” and “what do I get out of this marriage?” we are instead to focus on “what can I give to benefit and bless my spouse?” and “What can I do to strengthen our marriage?”

Being One Changes the Whole Game

There is one other important biblical concept that greatly influences the mathematics of marriage: being one flesh.

When a man and woman are joined together before God and man in holy matrimony, the Bible says they become “one flesh.” They are to see themselves as one in every dimension: sexual, spiritual, emotional, financial – every dimension.

Now let me remind you that being one does NOT mean being the same! That's 50-50 thinking. Being one actually means adding strength to strength and allowing strength to cover for weakness. It means coming together in a way that makes your marriage more than either of you as individuals. You don’t lose your individuality. Rather, you bring your full, genuine self to your relationship for the benefit of your spouse and your marriage.

Here’s the deal with taking a one-flesh view of your marriage: whatever accrues to your spouse also accrues to you. If my spouse wins, then I win too. If I grow, our marriage grows. When he or she is blessed, then so am I, even if I am the one doing the blessing.

Marriage is not a zero sum game. Don’t settle for a 50-50 marriage – go for 100-100!

- - - - - - - - - -

Since writing the draft of this post, I came across Sheila Gregoire’s terrific article on her To Love Honor and Vacuum blog , entitled “The 99% and the 1% With Marriage.” The article runs in a similar vein, comparing current socio-political events to marriage. Great reading!

Romantic Ideas: Christmas Countdown

2011-12-10T19:16:00.003-05:00

Are you still stuck for an idea of what to give your spouse for Christmas? Or maybe you’ve already bought a gift (or gifts) but you are looking for an extra special way to bless him or her this year.

The great response to my wife’s post from last week has prompted me to periodically post some more “Romantic Ideas.” For the most part these will be ideas that we’ve actually done. Maybe I’ll even get my wife to post a few of these as well.

The Christmas Countdown

Today’s romantic idea is something I did for her last year. It’s a “Romantic Countdown to Christmas.” Of course as with any romantic idea, you need to adapt it to your spouse’s particular favorite things. Times like this are why I say it is important to be a lifelong student of your spouse and what delights him or her most.

The idea the Christmas countdown is simple. Pick a number of days until Christmas. If you are a traditionalist, you might do the twelve days of Christmas. I did ten. Seven would work too. [edit: to be technically correct, the 12 days of Christmas actually follow after Christmas, which would work just as well.]

Then for each day give him or her a gift representing the number of days remaining until the “big day.” Here’s my list from last year:

10 – ten pretty fingers (gift card for a manicure)
9 – nine tasty treats (Cella chocolate covered cherries-her favorite)
8 – four pairs of Christmas-themed earrings (she loves these things)
7 – Christmas-themed arrangement of seven red roses
6 – Six string serenade (she picked songs I sang for her)
5 – five minute kiss
4 – four pairs of pretty panties
3 – a set of three Woodwick candles
2 – a side-by-side framed picture (us on one side and our daughters on the other)
1 – Christmas lingerie (OK this gift was more for me)

The gifts don’t have to be large or expensive. It really is the thought that counts in this particular romantic endeavor!

An Added Twist

Part of the fun is deciding a fun way to surprise them with the gift each day. I had a small wooden box with a lock on it. Each day the key would appear in an unexpected way. Jenni would unlock the box to find a note that gave a clue as to where to find the day’s present. I wrote a little poem for each. For example day eight, the four pairs of earrings, which were placed in some teacups she had on display:

What numbers eight, yet comes in twos?
Perhaps I’ll give a few more clues

It is something festive for the season
Given for the best of reasons

‘Tis love that causes me to give
Four gifts that hide where teacups live

If you have no gift for rhyme, do something else that works better for you: Send a text message or email with the clue for the day. Maybe get other family members involved. Leave a note taped to their bathroom mirror. Get creative! Have fun with it!

If you decide to try the Countdown to Christmas, stop back by and let us know how it worked out!

A counter-cultural pathway to a stronger Christian marriage

2011-12-07T12:27:00.001-05:00

You may have noticed that the title of today’s post is also the tag line of my blog. I’m excited to share with you today a guest post by Lori Lowe, a fellow marriage blogger at Marriage Gems and author of the book First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage, which comes out tomorrow.

In what follows, Lori shares about a real-life couple from her new book who wholeheartedly embraced a counter-cultural approach to their lives, and consequently to their marriage.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Guest post by Lori D. Lowe

One of the couples I interviewed for my book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss, are people I have known for ten years. In fact, they helped inspire me to write the book, because they are such a strong role model for a loving, sacrificial marriage. While the other couples featured in the book live all across the country, the Johnstons happen to live next door to me and have been married more than 30 years.

I didn’t know some of the deeper aspects of their marriage until I sat down to interview both of them. In my book I share many of the secrets to their marital success. First, they chose a counter-cultural lifestyle, which is to say they don’t let the dominant culture define their values. Their Christian faith is primary in their lives. And their values include not allowing materialism to define or control their lives.

Many of us will say we aren’t materialistic, but we love to shop every weekend. We would love to get new furniture, a nicer car, or a bigger house. Maybe we even save up so we can spend on these big-ticket items as often as we can. When we earn more, we are excited to spend more. The Johnstons, on the other hand, committed early in their marriage to be satisfied with what they had and to earmark extra earnings for charity rather than for increasing their lifestyle level.

One of the reasons they did this is they were involved in mission work in other countries. They met people who were exceedingly happy despite their extreme levels of poverty, and they understood that joy does not come from things. Instead, they find joy from being generous and sacrificial to others.

Over time, they also learned how to take this sacrificial mindset that is modeled by Jesus and be more giving and sacrificial to one another. They learned to give in more, instead of insisting on being right. They make daily efforts to please one another, and work to ensure the other is fulfilled. For example, Phil is a physician but makes time to be in a symphonic choir, and Margaret is a retired teacher who receives fulfillment in the garden and in volunteer work. They encourage others in their faith lives and marriages. They work to improve their communication.

And they have found the more they give of themselves, the more their cups are filled back up. They call this the paradox of giving, the fact that we get more by giving more. Happiness research has shown that volunteering and generosity add to our happiness, so they aren’t the only ones to discover this concept.

The lesson they teach through their personal story is that love is sacrificial, and that we need to create a cycle of giving (inside and outside of our families). Christians understand the ultimate example of sacrifice, but it can be difficult to live counter to our culture, which tells us we should give in order to get. Our culture, particularly in America, tells us that freedom and the pursuit of happiness are the highest ideals. Love is often presented in our culture as a romantic notion where we are expected to be constantly happy. How do you define your own values? How do you choose to live them out?

The good news is that living a life of sacrifice and love is not demeaning or sad. It’s ultimately the most joyful and rewarding of choices. Deep down we all want to love and to be loved. Placing your spouse’s needs above yours can be difficult sometimes, but often that act of love pays you tremendous dividends in your marital happiness.

Of course this blog, Journey to Surrender, is all about this mission, as you know if you are a regular reader. I’m sure Scott’s continued insights will help us learn more about how to keep moving in the right direction.

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Lori Lowe is a journalist, GenXer, and child of divorce. Her book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage will be released Dec. 8th on Amazon.com and in various e-book formats at LoriDLowe.com. Couples featured in the book experienced many challenges, including infertility, stranger rape, child loss, infidelity, drug addiction, unsupportive families, faith differences, military separation, life-threatening illness, raising a special-needs child, financial crises and much more. You can also connect with Lori at www.Facebook.com/LastingBliss or on Twitter @LoriLowe.

My Wife's First Post!

2011-12-01T12:39:00.003-05:00

At last I am delighted to present to you my wife’s very first post here at Journey to Surrender. I am hopeful it won't be her last!

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For years my female friends and family have said that my husband Scott should write a book of ideas on how to romance your wife. Humble man that he is, Scott feels hesitant to announce the wonderful gestures of love he has showered on me over the almost 30 years of our marriage (not to mention our dating years!) Since beginning his blog, those same friends and now some fellow bloggers have encouraged me to write about some of his special surprises and romantic ideas.

Before I share more details, I want to express my own motivation for writing this post. I have wanted for some time to respond to the many women who fear that a submissive wife is somewhat of a slave to her husband, that she loses her “rights,” and that there will be no one to put her needs first. Not everyone is married to a man who loves her unconditionally, lays down his wishes and desires for hers and makes it his goal to cherish her, but I want to share what it looks like in my marriage as I live in submission to my husband, whose love is as Christ like as I have ever seen.

The story of his latest romantic surprise.

To give some background, I had just finished a pretty intense season in ministry, speaking at a conference in August, another in September, traveling to Thailand in October for five days of ministry, ten days later leading another conference plus two weeks of wonderful company. During this time, Scott was also doing more travelling than he’s ever done before.

We put our three girls on a plane to Paris (another great story) late on the Friday night before Thanksgiving. I went to bed exhausted but ready to sleep in and take the next week to get my life (and home) back in order.

Instead, this is what happened:

Scott woke me up with a cup of tea in bed and handed me a packing list, but with no hints of where we were going.
While I showered and packed Scott made us a yummy eggs and bacon breakfast.
At one point in the morning he told me that Westly, our mutt, needed a biscuit. When I opened the cupboard I found some wonderful perfume with a card that announced that we were about to have a sensual, spoiling, refreshing weekend. He said that we had been pouring into many other things for months, and now it was time for us to pour into each other.
We hopped in the car with me still unsure of our destination, and Scott announced that we would be answering some questions together periodically throughout our day. He had compiled a list from various books, blogs, and articles. (e.g. “Describe the perfect kiss”)
We arrived at a beautiful walking park and even saw some deer! Lots of hand holding and kisses and more questions.

Next Scott dropped me off at a nail salon, handed me another card with a gift certificate for a deluxe mani/pedi – a real treat for me!
Scott picked me up after my relaxing nail spa experience and we arrived at an Embassy Suites. He asked me to wait in the lobby, handed me a card and told me he would text when I could open it.
The card was an invitation to come to our room for an afternoon tea (my favorite pastime and drink of choice) Scott had gone all out with sandwiches, scones, and treats! Delicious!

Oh, unusual dress for the tea but very romantic, new black silk robe and lingerie!
After relaxing a bit and taking care of a few “have to’s” for our church duties on Sunday morning, Scott announced that it was time to get ready for our dinner reservation. Then he showed me the pretty new dress he had purchased for me!
After a happy hour glass of wine and a delicious dinner I was handed a key to unlock a special box filled with little cards with gradually increasing passion ideas, the first of which was, “Kiss like you did when kissing was all you could do - five minutes minimum.”
I’m not giving any further details on the cards but the Jacuzzi and champagne were definitely a hit!

And that was just the first day of our three day weekend together. Get the picture? Does this submission-hearted wife feel like a slave?? Only to his love!!!

Postscript

Not only is this an example of Scott’s selfless love for me, planning all my favorites and spoiling me, but this post is also an example of what my submission looks like. I really balked badly at writing a post. Just did not want to! Scott didn’t demand it, but just hinted would I ever want to, on any subject. I did it because I hoped it would please him, not because I had to, because I want to make him as happy as he makes me.

A Marriage Full of Grace

2011-11-30T12:02:00.001-05:00

My last two posts (Marriage: Made for Glory and The Glory in Your Spouse) explained how the glory of God is available to infuse you, your marriage and your spouse with divine blessing and power.

If you came away from those posts thinking, “That sounds just too good to be true,” then you need to understand a little more about grace.

God’s grace is the mechanism by which the glory of God is made available to us. By definition, grace comes to us as a free and undeserved gift from God (free to us because of the costly sacrifice of Jesus!).

It can be difficult to get a grasp on this extravagant grace. We want to think that we have something to do with it. We want our own efforts to count for something. But the truth is that our own human striving means nothing when it comes to filling your life and your marriage with the glory of God.

So what DO we DO?

Filling your marriage with more of God (his power, his peace, his love, etc.) is a fairly simple two-part process.

First, we get to know who God is – his nature, his attributes, his emotions, and his acts. We can look to Jesus to see the Father (2 Cor 4:6-7). We can study the Word. We can talk with Him in prayer. We can ask for revelation by the Holy Spirit Ephesians 1:17-23, Ephesians 3:16-21). We can worship.

As I said before, I think getting to know God is the most important priority in our lifelong spiritual journey. And this knowing is more than just head knowledge. It is a deeply intimate and experiential understanding that goes deeply into our soul.

Then, because we have been given a new nature and are now one with Christ, we can believe that all these things that are found in God are also available to us. We can appropriate God’s glorious power to fill our marriages.

Remember, this glory comes by grace, not by human effort. Our effort is not in doing good or by trying to earn God’s favor with our behavior. Our effort is in getting to know him and in believing what he says about us and about our marriage is absolutely true.

Doing That Comes from Knowing

Now, don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. I’m not saying that you don’t do good things for your marriage or your spouse. Of course you do. If you read hear at all, you’ll see I strongly believe in doing things to strengthen and grow your marriage. What I’m talking about is the heart behind the doing.

Many who struggle with grace fear that an overemphasis of grace will encourage people to selfishly do whatever they want. To me, that is grace without glory. That’s why I prefaced this grace post with two about glory.

When you truly experience the glory of God, when you see his infinite and sacrificial love, his blessings and promises, his extravagant goodness toward you, it is life changing. It is radically transformational.

This transformation, this renewing of our minds through the knowledge of God, is our motivation for doing rightly in our marriages. It’s not to earn bonus points with your spouse or God. It’s not giving in order to get something in return. It’s not even doing things because you know they are the “right” things to do.

You do things that bless your spouse and marriage because of grace you have been given. You love your husband or wife because you are filled with God’s nature, and he IS love. You lay your life down for your wife because Jesus laid his life down for you. You honor your husband because in God’s eyes he is worthy of honor.

All of this comes to us by God's grace. Freely. Extravagantly.

It is the free gift of God that gives us whatever we need in order to love, bless and honor our spouse in the way God calls us to do it. It is by God’s grace that his glory can shine forth in your marriage.

Do you believe it?

Glory In Your Spouse

2011-11-25T13:53:00.000-05:00

Last time I focused on the amazing truth that your marriage was made to carry the glory of God. As a believer, you and your marriage have free access to the infinite resources of our infinite God!

Today I want to examine another aspect of glory: seeing the glory in your spouse.

Work In Progress

We are all a work in progress. Those of us on a spiritual journey are seeking to become who God has designed us to be, to reach our full potential, by gaining a deeper understanding of who we are in Christ. This is a journey not of human striving but a work of grace done by the Holy Spirit. Our part is but to learn to look on the face of Jesus and allow Him to transform us into a reflection of His glory (2 Cor 3:18, 1 Cor. 4:6-7). You were made for glory.

As hard as it can sometimes be to see our own life in the context of this journey into glory, it can be even harder to see your spouse in the same way. But I’m convinced that this is how God sees us.

Seeing with the Eyes of Heaven

It’s really easy to look at your spouse and see what’s “missing.”

It’s a lot harder to look at your spouse and see what’s there but has not yet been revealed in fullness. That’s what learning to see with the eyes of heaven is all about. That’s how God sees us, and that’s how we should see each other.

There are several key things we can do to shift our perspective to be more in line with heaven’s.

First, as I explained in my previous post, we have to get to know the glory of God, his nature, his attributes and his promises. Next, believe that as a Christ-follower your spouse is a glory-carrier. They have been given a new nature in Christ and are on a journey toward walking in that new nature. Thirdly, ask God to reveal to you the “real nature” of your spouse – who God created them to be. Also, pray for your spouse, that they will be able to walk in the fullness of their God-given destiny.

Finally, rather than taking the easy way out of criticizing your spouse for what you see as their shortcomings and misdeeds, speak to them of their potential. Tell them of the glorious nature and promises of Christ that we all have access to. Learn to speak to that which you want to see rise up in him or her.

A Few Examples

Let’s say your wife is deeply discouraged over some parenting issues and is acting out of her frustration. Rather than criticizing her for being emotional, remind her of her spiritual authority as a parent. Go together to God in prayer and ask for the wisdom that God promises he will provide if we ask.

Maybe your husband is full of anxiety about your financial future, maybe even with good cause due to your circumstances. Don’t join him in worry, criticize him as a lousy provider, or accuse him for his fearfulness. Instead, remind him of God’s unrelenting faithfulness and speak to him of the perfect love of God that casts out fear.

I’m not saying this kind of thinking is necessarily easy. It goes against our unredeemed human nature to see with spiritual eyes. The good news is that Jesus died to give us a new nature and gave us the Holy Spirit to renew our minds.

Speak into your spouse’s life in a way that encourages them toward glory rather than accuses them with shame. Shame is ultimately a terrible motivator. But glory truly has transformational power.

Marriage: Made for Glory

2011-11-22T11:36:00.001-05:00

Our church recently hosted a conference called “Glory and Grace.” The entire three day event was focused on exploring and extolling these two extremely important attributes of God’s nature.

I am struck by how significantly both glory and grace also affect marriages. In this post and my next one I will talk about glory. I’ll follow that up with a post about grace.

It may seem awkward to talk about glory as it relates to marriage. But once you understand what glory is, it may not be quite so much so.

You see, God’s glory is simply his very nature. It’s his essence, the “ness” of God: His awesomeness, His loveliness, His powerfulness, His brilliance, His unfailing love and grace.

We are Made for Glory

As Christ followers, we are in essence carriers of His glory. It amazes me that God chose to put this kind of treasure into the likes of you and me, but that’s how it is.

For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.

1 Cor 4:6-7

We are made for glory. We are made to reflect the Lord’s glory in ever-increasing measure (2 Cor 3:18). This is our inheritance in Jesus.

I led worship at our church last Sunday and closed with the song “We are an Ark.” It proclaims the truth that we are made to be glory-carriers.

If you have a few minutes close your eyes and give a listen. Let the truth of this reality sink deeply into your soul.

Direct YouTube Link

I love how the song ends by switching from "I am and ark" to "We are an ark." This is both a personal and corporate truth. The "we" truth also applies your marriage.

Your Marriage is Made for Glory

By extension, your marriage is also made for glory.

Two believers joined together in the covenant of marriage cannot help but be a mutual “ark” for the glory of God.

God made marriage to be a reflection of his selfless and eternal love for us. The marriage covenant is a direct parallel of the new covenant. God sent his Son, Jesus, to the earth as our Bridegroom, to win us as His bride forever. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again now.

People should get saved in response to looking at the beauty (glory) of the marriages in the church.

I believe that’s possible. I believe that’s how it was made to be. Marriages, full to overflowing with God’s glory!

Shame, the Opposite of Glory

So what’s the deal? Why aren’t people seeing the glory of God and getting saved by observing the marriages in the church?

I think it‘s at least partly because many marriages, and the people in them, aren’t walking in the glory for which they were intended. I say that not as condemnation or judgment, but to encourage you with the truth that glory is your right and the right of your marriage. Access to the glory was purchased for us by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross! It’s bought and paid for!

And for those whose marriages are walking in a measure of glory, let me assure you there is always more – much more.

I think a lot of what holds us back from experiencing glory in marriage has to do with shame. Shame is the opposite of glory. Glory brings light and freedom and peace. Shame brings darkness and bondage and strife. I think a lot of marriages are trapped in shame, and the enemy keeps us there by fooling us into thinking that’s all there is. But that’s a lie! (I have a series on shame that digs more deeply into the shame issue than I can in this context.)

Shame is not our inheritance in Jesus, glory is.

Embracing Glory

How do we get out of the trap of shame? The short answer is found in the scripture I quoted above. The knowledge of the glory of God is found in the face of Jesus. To live in the glory, we have to first know the glory. We have an open invitation to passionately and boldly pursue the intimate, experiential knowledge of God’s nature and glory.

The highest goal in our spiritual walk should be to know Him more.

Ask God to show you His glory. If you don’t know where to start, use the prayers of the Apostle Paul found in Ephesians 1:15-23, that the eyes of your heart be opened to who God is, with wisdom and revelation. Or use Ephesians 3:16-21, and ask for a deeper understanding of the immeasurable love of Christ. Worship is also a fantastic way to become more deeply infused with the glory of God.

As we begin to see and know the glory of God, the next step is to embrace it in your life and your marriage. Here a just a few examples of where you can apply the glory of God to your marriage:

Believe that the power that raised Christ from the dead also fills your marriage. God has the power to do exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think. That’s a lot of power!
Believe that the peace of Christ that calmed the stormy seas can calm the storms in your marriage.
Believe that the same love of Christ that fills us with the fullness of God is available for your marriage.
Believe that in Christ, we have freedom from shame and from the lies of the enemy that want to keep us trapped there.

The applications of the glory of God are truly limitless!! Because God is limitless. There is so much hope and power in this truth.

What aspects of the glory of God would you like to see applied to your own marriage? Pursue it! Get to know it! Believe it! Go for it! It’s yours!

Blogging, Popularity and Passion

2011-11-14T12:58:00.001-05:00

I noticed last week that it’s time again for Stu Gray’s 2011 version of the “Top Ten Marriage Blog” contest. It got me thinking about marketing and popularity and how it relates to my blogging life.

I’m approaching my second blogging anniversary in a few months, and I’m sometimes still trying to sort out exactly why I am doing this thing. I recall a conversation with Paul and Lori Byerly over dinner a few months back. Paul asked about what got me started blogging. I gave a somewhat long-winded answer that, in the end, came down to, “I felt like God was calling me to do it.” He nodded and said that it seems to be that way with a lot of us in this marriage blogging biz.

And I guess that’s why I continue to write. I still feel like it’s something God wants me to do. He wants me to be a voice for marriage – marriage the way he made it.

But thinking about Stu’s top-ten contest caused me to challenge the genuineness of my own statement.

Gut Check Time

Truthfully, I’ve done very little to market my blog. Yeah, I have a Twitter account, but I know I don’t use it effectively – at least according to the social media “experts.” I don’t even have a Facebook page (yet). So far at least, I only post about my blog on my personal Facebook page so the relatively few friends I have there can see what I’m writing about. I don’t get many hits from it. I comment on other blogs, but only when a topic stirs a response in me, not to drive traffic to my own blog. I enjoy meeting and exchanging ideas with fellow bloggers, but for me it comes out of the joy of engaging with those who share a similar passion, not as a networking strategy.

So, on the surface you wouldn’t think I care a whole lot about marketing and gaining readership or popularity. But reading about the top-ten contest peaked an unexpected initial response in me. It made me realize that I wanted to be “popular.” I wanted to be in the “top ten.” I wanted to be recognized as doing something of value. I wanted validation from others for what I do here.

And I didn’t like that response at all.

Now it’s not that there’s anything wrong with blog marketing, wanting to gain readership or to win a blogging contest. Really, there’s not. That’s not my point. But the thought process made me do a gut-check on my motivation, to revisit my calling, and that IS my point.

Why I Write, Really

God didn’t set me on this endeavor to stroke my ego or make me look good. He didn’t start me blogging to make me popular or to prove to the world what a great writer I am. Truthfully, I don’t think he cares a hoot about any of those things.

This really is about God’s heart for marriage. I’m passionate about it because He is. It’s not my career. It’s not my hobby. It’s my calling, or at least a big part of it.

You see, God made it clear to me some years ago that he has called me to the “bride preparation business.” Everything I do in ministry, whether it be worship leading, writing and teaching about marriage, songwriting or ministering to kids alongside my lovely wife, it all comes down to helping to build and prepare the bride of Christ, the church, for the eternal marriage to her Bridegroom, Jesus. It’s all about a wedding at the end of the age.

And that’s why I write. Really. I’m passionate about marriage because Jesus is passionate about his bride. The only validation I need is from Him.

The Contest

So here’s the deal about the top-ten marriage blog contest for 2011. At first I was going to skip the whole thing. It felt like an unnecessary distraction.

But I think it’s actually a very good thing. It promotes marriage and makes a lot of great resources more available to more couples. And I’m actually all for that! So, if you are so inclined you can nominate my blog or some other marriage blog by clicking on over to Stu’s contest page.

If not, that’s fine too.

Meanwhile, I’m going to keep doing this marriage-blogging thing until God tells me to it’s time to stop. I don’t expect that’ll be any time soon, because he cares A LOT about marriage. And so do I.

Thanks for letting me dump out my inner thought process on you. I needed that.

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming: God’s heart to see marriages lived out the way he designed it.

Are You Afraid of Intimacy?

2011-11-12T05:57:00.002-05:00

I’m traveling (again) this week and have finally gotten around to reading Dr. David Schnarch’s book “Passionate Marriage.” I have seen his theories referred too often by others and received endorsements of his work from two family members who are family therapists whose opinions I respect.

So I decided to dive into the book this week. I’ll withhold my final opinion until I have finished the book. It’s pretty heavy stuff and definitely challenges some of the most common intimacy paradigms. Suffice it to say that there are lots of things I agree with and a few things I do not. Most of what I have a problem with so far has to do with the fact that Dr. Schnarch clearly does not share my Christian world view, which brings about some understandable conflicts.

Naked Without Shame

One of the things I find most interesting about the book is that it supports one of my fundamental Surrendered Marriage principles: learning to be “naked without shame,” though he couches it in different terms. This idea comes from the way the Bible describes marriage in the Garden of Eden before sin came along, bringing shame and fear that destroy intimacy (intimacy with God and intimacy in marriage). Genesis 2:25 says of that first marriage “they were naked and they were without shame.” That’s how it’s supposed to be.

Of course Schnarch does not come at this from a biblical perspective but rather a clinical one. Still, he reaches a similar conclusion. And his insights offer some interesting perspectives on the dynamics of enduring relationships. He explains that there is a natural track for marriages that tends to lead to a kind of gridlock. Over time most marriages will naturally settle into a kind of comfort zone where neither spouse wants to face the “risks” that deeper intimacy can bring. Neither wants to “rock the boat.” It’s better to keep things safe and surface-level. The status quo settles in and the gridlock that ensues brings with it boredom, loneliness and disenchantment. Schnarch states:

As you become more dependent on (your spouse’s) validation and acceptance, you become less willing to risk disagreement and rejection… The very fact that you love your partner makes it harder and harder to maintain yourself with him or her.

I’m attempting to simplify here for the sake of clarity, but basically fear and shame (what Schnarch describes as an unwillingness to face yourself) put a cap on real intimacy. Eventually you’ll grow weary of the kind of pretense that maintaining a safe and surface-level relationship requires. Going back to our Eden analogy, the fig leaves you put on to cover over your nakedness (driven by the fear that shame produces) and just aren’t all that comfortable or lasting.

Striving to keep everything stable by shrinking back from who you really are and how you really feel (what Schnarch calls your solid self and what I call who God really made you to be) is not sustainable for the long haul. This lack of genuine intimacy will cause you and your spouse to drift apart over time. Often the growing frustration will eventually surface around some particular issue (sex, in-laws, finances, children…) and an explosion will take place.

Deepen Intimacy Through Differences?

At this point, one of four scenarios can take place over the conflict, three of which are negative. First, you may push your spouse to compromise who they are and accommodate you by backing down. Second, you may compromise who you are by accommodating your spouse. Third, you may separate emotionally and/or physically.

The fourth and final scenario, the most difficult to accomplish, is for you to both be willing to confront and present your true selves, to come together naked and unashamed as it were. This is what genuine intimacy requires.

You see, the kind of surrender that we are called to in marriage is not the same as compromise or backing down. Surrender is not giving in so that you can get something in return or even giving up in order to keep the peace.

Finding intimacy in a Surrendered Marriage requires you to maintain your personal integrity while allowing your spouse to do the same. I haven’t gotten to Dr. Schnarch’s prescriptions for gridlock, but I do agree with him that being able maintain your sense of self while staying in close proximity to your spouse is an important component. This is ability to stay close through your differences does indeed breed deeper intimacy.

Biblical Surrender

While the two of you are standing close together, naked and unashamed, without fear or pretense, is a good time to consider what biblical surrender looks like.

I keep coming back to the same definition for intimacy in surrendered marriage: bringing the fullness of yourself (spirit, soul and body) to your marriage in a way that benefits your spouse and your marriage. Rather than looking for what you can get, we are to look for what we can give. But you can’t give what you don’t have, and you can’t fake it for long, so you may need to grow and change.

Rather than selfishly asserting your rights, consider what the right thing to do is in God’s eyes. Pray together and ask for wisdom. Get God’s perspective on the problem or difference. Ask for insight into what is really going on, because in many conflicts, the real issue is something other than the thing that surfaces first. Ask God to show you where you need to grow or change, and ask Him to help you, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to accomplish that.

These probably aren’t things that Schnarch is going to suggest, though I’m looking forward to seeing what he does offer as solutions to the marital gridlock problem. I’ll come back with some additional thoughts after I’ve finished the book.

Are there issues in your marriage where you’ve made compromise the norm? Are you willing to get naked with your spouse in a way that maintains your personal integrity and theirs? Are you able to seek selfless solutions that benefit your spouse and your marriage, even if it means you have to grow and change?

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Here are a few of my past posts on being naked without shame in your marriage:

From my series on Shame and Intimacy
From my series on Becoming One Flesh
From my recent series Truths in Tension

An Amazing Story of Loss and Love

2011-11-09T16:17:00.000-05:00

I’ve been traveling lately and swamped with many other things that have prevented me from posting, but I wanted to share with you a post by my blogger friends Brad and Kate at One Flesh Marriage. The post, “One Child in Heaven,” is a touching story of grievous loss and remarkable recovery as told by their pastors.

I encourage you to click on over and read this incredible story.

Meanwhile, I hope to be back to a regular posting schedule soon.