Journey to Surrender

A Grace-Full Marriage - Introduction

2012-06-01T13:19:00.000-04:00

Today I’m kicking off a new series on grace in marriage.

I’m taking this deep dive into grace for several reasons. First of all, though grace is simple in concept, the implications of grace for marriage are enormous. Second, even though I’ve touched on this topic in previous posts, I have never given grace the attention it deserves. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, grace is just as critical as love is to strengthening and sustaining your marriage. Grace and love are like the bookends that keep your marriage together.

What is Grace?

Grace is simply unmerited favor, mercy and kindness. Grace is at the core of the Gospel.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.

Rom 5:1-2

We know that God’s unbounded grace comes to us through faith in Jesus, and we know that He is “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14).

Grace is our way to forgiveness for all the wrongs we have done or that we will ever do against God, and thus our way to eternal life. Grace also brings us God’s favor and blessing, even when we don’t deserve it.

An Invitation to Intimacy

As true as all this is, I believe that grace actually has its deepest roots in intimacy.

God didn’t crush his Son simply to gain our forgiveness and eternal life or just to bless us. He did it because he desires intimacy with us, both now and for all eternity. Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross gives us unprecedented face-to-face access to the Father.

Grace is God’s invitation to intimacy with him, because most of all, God is a zealous lover. He desires to have all of you and all of me for himself, for all time.

As we reflect on grace and marriage in this series, keep in mind that a grace-full marriage is really about a path to deeper intimacy between you and your husband or wife.

Are You Missing Your Marriage?

2012-05-28T14:22:00.000-04:00

I have a guest post over at the Hope at Home Blog as part of their Marriage Monday feature. Read it and find out the recent discovery my wife and I made about how much our phones and other "screens" can hinder intimacy in our marriage. It might be true for you too!

Here's a short sample of the post:

My wife and I were amazed to discover how often we immediately and instinctively grab for our phones during every free minute, seeking out that latest Instragram photo, Facebook post, tweet or next game move. So we made a decision to be much more deliberate about being “hands-free” in our marriage. We’ve realized that instead of holding, gazing on and engaging with our phones during our time together, we can actually do the same with each other. We are now much more aware of how many opportunities we have missed to connect with each other.

Read the full post here

Hope at Home 2012!

2012-05-26T11:05:00.000-04:00

If you have adopted children or are planning to adopt some day, I want to encourage you to attend Hope at Home 2012, being held in Atlanta October 5-6. This is a very different kind of adoption conference focused on equipping and refreshing parents in their calling to adopt or provide foster care.

Importantly, the conference includes encouragement for marriages as well, a somewhat unique emphasis among adoption conferences. We know that adopting and foster care can create some tremendous strain on marriages, and our belief is that a keeping your marriage strong is the best thing you can do for your children, adopted or not. My wife and I, as well as Brad and Kate Aldrich from One Flesh Marriage will be speaking into marriages during the conference.

You can get more information on the many excellent breakout sessions here, and you can register or get more details about the conference here.

Please pass the information along to any adoptive families in your life!!

Now is the Time to Invest

2012-05-24T17:05:00.001-04:00

My wife and I had the pleasure of leading a marriage small group in our church for the past 13 weeks. As small groups were forming in January I recruited purposefully among some of the many newly married couples in our church. I was a little surprised but very thankful that several of them decided to sign on.

As we prayed over each couple during our wrap up session this past Sunday night, I was struck by a genuine sense of the Lord’s delight in these couples, newly married or not, for choosing to invest time and effort in their marriages. For each of them, being part of our group meant giving up every Sunday evening for almost four months, reading through 10-15 pages of written materials and doing some exercises, either jointly or separately. It was a significant commitment – a significant investment.

Compound Interest

I am no expert on stocks and finance, but I do know about compound interest. The basic principle is that if you invest early and invest consistently there is a tremendous multiplication effect over time. For example, if you were to invest a single dollar every day for 20 years at a modest 3% interest rate, at the end of that time you would have over $10,000.

The principle of a compounded return holds true for marriage as well. Invest early! invest often! Reap the rewards!

It’s never too early (or too late) to invest in your marriage. Whether you are newly married or approaching 30 years, as me and my wife are, giving time and attention to your marriage always pays off in rich rewards over time. Consistent time and attention to your marriage is the best way to reap the long-term reward of a strong, healthy, satisfying and enduring relationship.

Dividends

Another financial concept that relates to investing in your marriage is “dividends.” Simplistically, dividends are simply a payout to investors as a way of short-term rewards.

In addition to the long-term, compounding benefits of consistently investing in your marriage, there are definite short-term “payoffs” as well. Investing in things like date nights, frequent sexual encounters, romantic gestures and selfless giving will pay back with such dividends as intimacy, passion and a sense of well-being.

So how are you investing in your marriage? Do you have some other suggestions for our readers? Let us know with a comment below!

Intimacy with God: The Ultimate Power Source

2012-05-17T14:31:00.000-04:00

Sometimes my writing seems to create an open invitation for me to be tested concerning what I’ve written. I really try not to write about stuff I don’t practice in my own marriage, but sometimes that’s easier said than done.

Since completing my last series on “the power of being positive” I have to admit I’m being seriously challenged in this area.

As you can probably tell from the fact that I have just set my own record for the longest time span without a post since starting this blog, life has been rather insane lately. Between intense stress and travel for work, family commitments and a plethora of activities not related to my marriage ministry, I’m running at 150% of capacity. It has forced me to almost entirely neglect Journey to Surrender and my other marriage ministry endeavors. No writing or posting, very limited Facebook and Twitter activity, and my RSS reader backlog now stands above 500 posts!

All this combines to leave me extremely frustrated, and to the point, not very positive! I’m somewhat of a perfectionist, and the thing that most sinks my positivity meter is feeling forced into mediocrity by my circumstances. That’s happening in spades right now, and it makes me nuts! It also makes me pretty negative. It’s how I’m wired.

Choking on My Own Words

As much as I hate to admit it, I am realizing that I’m not doing so great at the whole positive thing recently. I thought it would be a good idea to remind myself by going back and re-reading my last few posts. Ouch!!

Here are but a few of the choice quotes from recent posts that stung the most:

“The first thing to realize about being positive is that it is a choice. We all have lots of stuff that could drag us down into being negative; that’s just real life.” (full post )
“I have to place the burden of my happiness squarely on my own shoulders and own up to the fact that if I’m unhappy, I’m the one that has to do something about it.” (full post)
“I often hear it said that right thinking leads to right doing. That's why it is so important to get your thinking screwed on straight” and “practice thankfulness daily.” (full post)
“One negative statement carries the same emotional weight as seven positive ones. Whether the number is true or not, you can shift the atmosphere in your marriage with your words.” (full post)
“Little, frequent acts of kindness and love are the best way to ensure that passion and intimacy thrive.” (full post)

Honesty moment: I’m pretty much 0 for 5 on the above lately. That whole “practice what you preach” thing? Well, not so much. And the fruit of it has been exactly what I predicted in my posts: a definite strain on the level of intimacy my wife and I usually enjoy.

Needing Power

I come at last to the real point of this post: I can’t do this on my own.

When I try to live my life in my own strength, I often find that I fall short. Short on time, short on patience, short on love and kindness, and yes, short on positivity.

Yet I know that God has an infinite supply of all of these things. He is the ultimate source for all I need. As the apostle Paul wrote:

"My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

Do you sometimes struggle, like I do, to find the strength you need to do what you want to do and what you know you should do? Let me do for you what my darling wife does often for me in such a circumstance and point you to the power source: God’s presence.

Power in the Presence

The truth is that in all situations and circumstances the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit can carry us through. When we learn to walk continuously in the presence of God, which Jesus died to give us access to, we can not only survive difficulties, we can actually thrive through them.

I’m not always able to keep this truth in focus. I’m not always able to remember to “practice the presence” of God, as Brother Lawrence so famously termed it. But I’m thankful that I have a wife who speaks truth into my life and points me to Jesus, even when I’m teaming with stress and negativity.

It is so important for husbands and wives not to withdraw when things get tough, but instead to encourage each other in the Lord. When circumstances start decreasing the intimacy in your marriage and draining your passion, that’s the very time to move toward each other, speaking the truth in love.

Do you sometimes need to remind your spouse of verses like this: “I can do everything through him who gives me strength?” (Phil 4:13) Or this: “Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.” (Ps 105:4).

I will close with one of my favorite apostolic prayers. It’s a great prayer to pray for a spouse who is struggling:

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know…his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which raised Christ from the dead.

Ephesians 1:17-20

When circumstances start to hurt the intimacy in your marriage, it might just be time to find the strength and power you need through intimacy with God.

A Positivity Challenge

2012-05-07T21:10:00.000-04:00

Today I discovered a great challenge for wives who are interested in transforming their marriages with a little positivity.

I found out about it when Cheri Gregory, the author and speaker behind "The PURSE-onality Challenge," put my post "The Power of Positive: Speaking" on her Facebook page. (Welcome to those who are here from that link!)

I'm a bit late with this, because the challenge is already at day 7 - it runs all of May - but I'm sure you can still benefit greatly from what will be going on the rest of the month!

She describes the challenge as "31 days of replacing "baditude" with God's word and gratitude."

It goes hand in glove with the series I just concluded on positivity, so I encourage you to hurry and go check it out!

FYI Here are the links to the prior posts in the series:

The Power of Positive: Doing

2012-05-07T08:00:00.000-04:00

This is the last of a four part series on the transforming power of positivity. The series starts here.

Today we're talking about the actions that help create a positive atmosphere in your marriage.

Once you get the thinking and speaking parts of positivity down, your actions will tend to follow along without as much effort as it might otherwise be.

Still, I want to encourage you to be purposeful in the way you treat one another. Little, frequent acts of kindness and love are the best way to ensure that passion and intimacy thrive. Watch and learn the things that bless your spouse the most:

Periodically send a positive, loving or encouraging text or Facebook message, especially if you know your spouse is facing some stress during their day.
Pray together and/or let your spouse know you are praying for them and what you are praying.
Buy him or her their favorite treat the next time you are at the store “just because.”
Give your husband or wife a back rub or a foot massage (without expecting one in return).

Remember, it’s better to do lots of little things consistently than to only do “big” things occasionally.

I’ll conclude my thoughts on positive actions with this, also from my post on The Culture of Your Marriage:

A surrendered marriage is all about serving one another. When we have a culture of gladly serving and meeting our spouse’s needs, it makes the atmosphere satisfying, safe and enjoyable. The key here is “with gladness.” No one wants to be served reluctantly. Think about the last time you had a waiter that clearly did not enjoy waiting tables. Compare that experience to the last time you had one of those waiters that obviously loves what they do. It makes for an altogether different dining experience. Mediocre food with fantastic services is better than great food and an unpleasant waiter.

It's action time! I've offered a lot of suggestions on how you can infuse your marriage with positivity. Here are the links to the prior posts in the series:

There is a lot here, I know. So don’t try to tackle everything at once. You'll likely just flounder in frustration.

As you reflect on this series, pick one thing to do differently to be more positive in your marriage. For the next week, focus on being more consistent at that one thing, and watch how the atmosphere begins to shift.

Take the challenge. Let us know what one positive thing you are going to focus on this week. And come back in a week and tell us if you noticed any changes in the atmosphere of your marriage.

The Power of Positive: Speaking

2012-05-06T08:00:00.000-04:00

This is part three of a four part series on the transforming power of positivity. The series starts here.

Today we're talking about the transforming power of positive words.

You’ve probably heard it said that one negative statement carries the same emotional weight as seven positive ones. Whether the number is true or not, you can shift the atmosphere in your marriage with your words. Your words have the power to bring life and light into dark circumstances. Even when things are fine, what you say can create forward momentum in your marriage.

So make it a habit to speak ten positive, affirming and kind statements for every negative one. Better yet, go for 50-to-1! As we discussed in our marriage small group recently, watch the passion level in your marriage grow as a result. Remember that thinking it isn’t enough. You need to say it out loud.

Here are some tips for speaking positively from my post “The Power of Your Words.”

Be Consistent – Do your best not to give mixed messages. Remember that it takes a whole bunch of positive statements to every negative one just to stay even.The point is to get and stay WAY ahead.
Be Constant –. Develop life-word habits. Commit to complimenting your spouse every day, but be genuine. And never get beyond confessing your love out loud to one another.
Be Deliberate – You have to be purposeful about speaking truth and life. It’s easy to let your conversations drift only to the functional and mundane.
Be An Eavesdropper – Pray for wisdom and revelation of what heaven is saying about your spouse, about your circumstances and about your marriage. Agree with that. Out loud.
Be A Treasure Hunter – We generally don’t have to work very hard to find negative stuff, but that isn’t what we want to agree with. Look for the good stuff, and amplify that with your words.

When it comes to affecting the Culture of Your Marriage what you say matters greatly!

So be watchful over your words, your tone, and your body language when you communicate. The words matter, but so does how you express them.

Make it a habit to speak into the things you want to see rather than the things you see that you don’t like. Having a culture of honor means speaking respectfully at all times. It means freely expressing admiration for each other. It means each valuing the other for who God sees them to be.

Do you have some other tips on how you use words to create a positive atmosphere in your own marriage?

Next up: The Power of Positive: Doing

The Power of Positive: Thinking

2012-05-05T08:00:00.000-04:00

This is part two of a four part series on the transforming power of positivity. The series starts here.

Today we're talking about the power your thoughts have in creating a positive atmosphere in your marriage.

What you think and believe about your marriage and your spouse is so important, because what you actually believe (as opposed to what you think you believe) has a way of working itself out into your words and actions.

Start With The Mind

There's a reason I chose to start with the impact of positive thinking.

The battle for your marriage starts in the mind!

From my post, “What Do You Think,” here a few tips on practicing positivity in your thinking.

Practice thankfulness daily. Every day consider at least one thing you are thankful for about your spouse or your marriage. Bonus points if you tell your spouse! Philippians 4:6-7 exhorts us to not be anxious, but to pray with thanksgiving as a means to having the peace of Christ rule our minds and hearts.
Guard your thoughts. What are you feeding your mind with? Do you let TV, movies and gossip news form the basis of what you believe about marriage? Or are you purposeful in gaining a solid understanding of God’s design for marriage? There’s lots of stuff about that in this blog – explore!
Pray for your spouse and your marriage. Commit to pray daily for your spouse and your marriage. And I don’t mean the “Lord, please make him/her do ______.” I mean pray that they will be strengthened, for their spiritual life, for them to walk in their destiny in Christ and for blessing. If you don’t know what or how to pray, the prayers found in Ephesians 1:17-23, Ephesians 3:16-21 and in Colossians 1:9-12 are fantastic for praying for your spouse.
Watch what you say to your spouse and about your spouse and your marriage. I won't say much here, because that's our next topic: The Power of Positive: Speaking. I'll just say that truth, positive and encouraging truth, when spoken out loud has a way of being reinforced in your mind. When you say it, it becomes more true for you.

I often hear it said that right thinking leads to right doing. That's why it is so important to get your thinking screwed on straight. That's why I talk so much about seeing your marriage through the right lens. For me that lens is the Bridal Paradigm; the understanding that marriage is designed to reflect the love relationship between Christ and the church. The more I begin to comprehend it, the more it transforms my own marriage.

Are there an other ways you've found that help you practice positive thinking?

Next up: The Power of Positive Speaking

The Power of Positive

2012-05-04T15:33:00.001-04:00

During our marriage small group lesson on “Passion” last week, we had a great discussion about how important it is to be positive if you want to keep passion alive in your marriage.

Positivity can have a huge impact on the atmosphere of your marriage! It’s almost impossible for passion and intimacy to coexist with negativity. Think about it. Negative words, thoughts and actions are like pouring cold water on the flames of passion in your marriage. A barrage of negativity will also make intimacy difficult, whether you are talking about physical, emotional or spiritual intimacy.

I think that sometimes we fail to see how significantly our negativity (or positivity) affects our spouse and the atmosphere of our marriage.

Over the course of the next three posts I’m going to cover ways in which you can infuse your marriage with a positive vibe that is completely infectious. Why not see if you can infect your spouse!?!

It’s Up To You!

The first thing to realize about being positive is that it is a choice. Before I talk specifically about thinking, speaking and doing positive things to affirm and strengthen your marriage, let's talk about the importance of being intentional and purposeful.

We all have lots of stuff that could drag us down into being negative; that’s just real life. But we also have a choice how we react to our circumstances. Maybe you’ve even fallen into the habit of blaming your spouse for the unhappiness in your life that is the cause of your negativity. If you missed my post “Own Your Own Happiness,” go read it. And be sure to also watch the TED Talk at the end on the power of positivity.

Don’t make the mistake of waiting for “things” to get better before working on being positive. Make the choice to think, speak and act in a positive manner and see how much better these “things” seem.

The power of positive is positively transformational! Shiela Gregoire said the following in a a recent post, “What’s Your Attitude,” and it really resonated with me:

Gratitude can transform a marriage. When we focus on what we’re angry with our husbands about, and all the things that they aren’t doing, then our marriage will be lousy. When we focus instead on what we love about our husbands, that is what we will tend to think about, and our attitudes will change.

Choosing to be positive is not about faking it. It’s about being deliberate to focus on and amplify the good stuff and mute the bad. There is truth in the adage “you become what you behold.” Whatever you focus on becomes a more significant part of you. So why not focus on the good stuff?

What about you? Can you think of a time in your own marriage where a deliberate choice to be positive turned things around?

Next up: Think Positive!

Foundations, Framework and Fixtures

2012-04-25T20:46:00.000-04:00

What do you notice first when you come into someone’s home?

Chances are you’ll mostly notice the décor: furnishings, color schemes, curtains, pictures, etc. But what makes that home endure through the years has much more to do with the foundation underneath the home and the framework behind the walls. In the end, the stuff we don’t see and tend not to pay attention to is much more important than the things we notice most.

It’s the same for your marriage.

Foundations

Without a doubt, the foundation of your marriage is what will make it last. And that foundation needs to be Jesus. To quote an old hymn, “On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.”

So, what’s the foundation of your marriage?

It’s really easy to build your marriage on other stuff. It could be your kids, your financial success and material possessions, or even your religious activities. But kids grow up and move out, financial success ebbs and flows, material possessions ultimately ring hollow, and religious activities keep you busy but don’t equate to a genuine relationship with God.

A lasting marriage should be built on the foundation of a husband’s and a wife’s intimate and passionate relationship with Jesus – and nothing else. God, the very inventor of marriage itself, is the key to a strong and enduring marriage. There is no substitute!

Your relationship with, knowledge of and intimacy with God must be your foundation.

Framework

Once a firm foundation is established, the framework of your marriage is next in importance. Just like the walls of a house determine its strength, so does the framework of your marriage.

The framework of your marriage is composed of the things you believe and how you think about your marriage and your spouse. It’s the lens through which you see.

My personal lens is that God created marriage to be a reflection of the love relationship between Jesus, our Bridegroom, and us, the church, His bride. This is what I call the Bridal Paradigm , it’s this framework helps me see that my marriage should be full of things like unselfish love, unconditional giving, faithfulness, passion, trust and freedom This is what Paul call “the great mystery” of marriage in Ephesians 5:32.

Here’s a truth: it’s almost impossible to have a Bridal Paradigm framework without a foundation built on intimacy with the Bridegroom. Did you ever notice how cracks in the wall usually point to problems with the foundation?

We substitute any number of belief systems for God’s intended design for marriage. Some believe that marriage is about their personal happiness and fulfillment. Some see marriage simply as a social construct instead of a covenant relationship. Still others acknowledge marriage is the important backbone of our civil society, but fall short of seeing it as the Divine creation that it is.

Closely coupled to your belief system is the way you think about your marriage. How you think about your marriage and spouse can either add to the strength of the framework or take away from it. Check out my post “What Do You Think” for more thought on the importance of right thinking and some practical tips.

Fixtures

At last we are down to the things that people spend most of their time and attention on: the fixtures.

The fixtures in your marriage are many: friends, family, children, finances, your home, careers, vacations, religious activities, possessions and more. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying these things are bad or unimportant. It’s just that giving most of our attention to them will do little to build a strong, stable and lasting marriage.

The fixtures and furnishings in your marriage are what help to make it comfortable, enjoyable and inviting for you and for others. Do your best to make it so! Absolutely!

Fixtures are fine, but realize that when it comes to making your marriage strong and lasting, the foundation and framework should get the bulk of your attention and effort!

Own Your Own Happiness

2012-04-17T23:26:00.001-04:00

I’ve pondered before whether or not happiness is really the right goal for marriage.

Lately I’ve been rethinking the whole question of happiness. I’d like to share my thoughts and get yours.

The following three statements, which may seem at first blush to conflict with each other, are the three happiness axioms I’ve landed on:

The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you

Happiness Defined

What does it mean to be happy? Truthfully, for some reason I’ve never much liked that word; it has always seemed a bit shallow to me. I’ve typically thought of happiness as being controlled by external circumstances and therefore fickle and fleeting. I know, I’m weird like that.

But the dictionary says that to be happy is to be “delighted, pleased, or glad” over something or someone. Happiness is “characterized by pleasure, contentment, or joy” in response to the things going on around you. These actually all sound like pretty good things.

Goal vs. By-product

So after some consideration, I’ve resolved in my mind that happiness isn’t a bad thing at all, but I still don’t believe that we should look at marriage as primarily about our personal degree of happiness.

To me happiness is still best viewed as a by-product rather than a goal. A relationship that has personal happiness as its main goal is going to miss some deeper things that underlie a long-lasting marriage. Selflessness, surrender, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness all come to mind as worthy goals, but are things that also tend produce happiness as a result.

I Am Responsible For Me

I’ve often heard folks blame their spouse for their unhappiness. I’ve heard it used as a reason for divorce. I’ve heard it used to defend some pretty cruel behavior. “I deserve to be happy” is the common mantra.

That doesn’t cut it with me.

I have learned over time that I can’t hold my wife accountable for my happiness. I have to place the burden of my happiness squarely on my own shoulders and own up to the fact that if I’m unhappy, I’m the one that has to do something about it. It’s my choice. My happiness is my responsibility.

I Act Responsible for You

By extension, then, my wife is also responsible for her own happiness.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I should act that way. Instead I should purposefully try to make her happy, as best as I know how. I should love her, serve her, lead her and cherish her in ways I know delight her.

Her happiness should be important to me, because we are one, and I get to share in any happiness I bring to her life. How cool is that? Why wouldn’t I want to make her happy?

Our Ultimate Source of Happiness

Both my wife and I know that ultimately God is our only reliable source of happiness.

We find in Jesus all the things that make marriages truly happy and enduring: selflessness, surrender, strength, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness. All these he makes available to us and to our marriages.

So next time you are feeling unhappy with your spouse or with your marriage, realize that you have the power to choose happiness, regardless of what your spouse does or doesn’t do. Realize that love, joy and peace can all be yours by the Holy Spirit. Then turn things around and choose to do something purposefully just to make your spouse happy. I think you’ll be amazed at the good fruit it produces.

Happiness in Reverse

I shared this TEDtalk with our small group a few weeks ago (thanks to The Generous Husband). It’s a compelling and humorous case for the fact that we often look to outcomes in order to gain happiness. We say things like “If I work at it then my marriage will get better. And when my marriage gets better, then I’ll be happy.” But that is actually backwards.

Direct TEDTalk Link

Shawn Achor makes the case that by choosing to be happy now, we actually stand a better change of having a better marriage. Fascinating concept. I like it.

What’s do you think of my three axioms of happiness in marriage?

The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you

A Haven in Your Home

2012-04-06T09:53:00.002-04:00

My lovely wife summoned her courage and created another post. I hope you enjoy it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Well blog writing wasn’t as painful as I thought it might be and your comments were so encouraging that I thought I would try again! This time I am writing about another incredibly thoughtful gift my husband Scott gave me several Christmases ago. It was one of the best surprises I ever received and helped get me through the toughest season of my life so far.

Here’s the background: In 1997 Scott’s mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and moved in with us. This was a decision Scott and I made together, along with his siblings and lots of guidance from God. Becoming Mom’s caregiver meant not only dealing with the gradual loss of this incredible woman but the loss of my independence and any sense of control over my household.

As the illness progressed, I became the “bad guy”, the “other woman” to my mother-in-law. In addition I never knew what would greet me as I came through the door. For example, once I found the refrigerator disassembled with all the food defrosting on the floor. Another time I couldn’t find my frying pans and pots only to discover she had put one on each of the dining room chairs. Clothing and linen weren’t safe because our dear Mom would spray them with bleach thinking it was stain remover.

We developed a saying in those years, "We don't ask why!"

The Surprise!!

One Christmas, right in the middle of those crazy years, my daughters and I decided, with my husband’s encouragement, to actually go shopping on the day after Christmas, taking advantage of the sales . I have trained my girls to shop til we drop, and we had a grand time shopping all day long.

When we arrived home all was fairly quiet, so I made my way up the back stairs to our bedroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of blue and then suddenly I realized our bedroom had been completely transformed. Scott had pulled a “WHILE YOU WERE OUT” and set up my own sitting room space in our bedroom. A love seat, a desk, coffee table, a wall mounted TV, bookshelves and lamps, a new bedspread and wall hangings. Incredible!

I cried then and I still cry just thinking about how blessed I was. I had “lost” my home to my mother-in -law but Scott created a sanctuary for me. This was one place in the house that was my own, my refuge. I can remember just walking through our room and feeling peace and relief just knowing it was there for me whenever I needed it. I shed many tears in that room and prayed many prayers.

I don’t know how he did it but during those years Scott took care of both his mom and me. I never doubted that I came first but we both knew that for a season we needed to take care of the dear woman who gave me the man who I love most.

Taking Care of Each Other

My purpose in writing is to say that if your spouse is under great stress due to care giving or some other life circumstance, think of a way to create a haven for them.

You can create a separate space in your home, as Scott did for me that Christmas. It doesn’t have to be a whole room; it can be a corner of a room or any other area set aside for them, decorated in their favorite way.
If that’s not feasible, consider specifically granting him or her designated “escape time.” Thirty minutes after dinner or after they get home from work where no demands are placed on them, where they can do whatever relaxes and reinvigorates them.
Arrange for a weekend getaway. Even if your circumstances prevent you from both being gone at once, you can take turns!

Can you think of other ways to create a haven for your weary, stressed-out spouse? Leave your ideas in the comments.

Being a long term care giver can place great demands and stress on your marriage. Even though there are tremendous physical and emotional demands on you both, make sure you make it a priority to also take care of each other.

Easy? No! Worth It? YES!

2012-04-02T23:38:00.003-04:00

A Facebook ad recently caught my eye. Next to a picture of a broken heart were these words: “Divorced? Get your wife back. It’s easy, just follow the video instructions.” Of course the link was to one of the many sites/products promising instant and easy “marriage miracles.”

You have probably heard or seen other similar ads: lose weight without changing your eating habits, get out of debt without reducing your lifestyle, get a sculpted body in five minutes a day, win the lottery, get rich quick.

Everybody is offering easy, pain-free fixes for the worst of life’s problems.

Something for Nothing

Something-for-nothing promises are everywhere. Some would say they play on our hopes and optimism. Others would say they play on our laziness and sense of entitlement. It’s probably some of both.

Don’t be fooled by the hype! Building an intimate, passionate, enduring marriage takes effort. It will cost you, and it will require you to make sacrifices. Sometimes you‘ll have to lay down your rights for the sake of your relationship. A great marriage requires you to be diligent and attentive to your spouse, to be purposeful in how you do your marriage.

When it comes to marriage, as for so many other important things in your life, you get out of it what you put into it. It's a little like the spiritual principle of "you reap what you sow."

No it’s not easy, but it is so very worth it!

The Payoff

What are the long-term benefits of investing consistently in your marriage?

In a 2009 study published by the American Psychological Association, author Bianca Acevedo explains that long-term marriages that are able to maintain intensity, engagement and sexual interest are associated with overall well-being and high self-esteem, in addition to marital satisfaction.

In short, a good marriage is good for you!

According to the APA study, the key to keeping that romance alive is simple: hard work. No, simple is not the same as easy. “Research has suggested these couples spend time and really care about the relationship; they seem to be able to resolve conflicts relatively smoothly,” said Acevedo.

The Lie of Inevitable Decline

There’s a popular misconception that long-term marriage is a path to inevitable decline in passion and intimacy. There’s a belief that the fiery love of early marriage fades eventually into a safer, more comfortable kind of relationship. I call it the “roommate syndrome.” Don’t believe it.

The same APA study quoted above challenges the roommate syndrome. By examining a number of prior marriage studies, they found significant evidence that what they referred to as romantic love (consisting of intensity, engagement and sexual interest) can be maintained for the long haul. They challenge the assumption that romantic love cannot endure, and point to this prevalent notion as being to blame for so many “status quo” relationships. "It's to be expected."

Some couples are satisfied with barely avoiding divorce “for the sake of the kids.” But how much better would it be for the kids to see their parents passionately, demonstrably in love? We are seeing what happens to married roommates once the kids are gone by way of the recent significant increase in divorce rates among empty nesters.

Could a culture chock-full of vibrant marriages reverse the widespread societal discouragement over marriage, with its accompanying decline in the marriage rate and dramatic increase in cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births?

I think so. Do you?

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Did you know that Journey to Surrender has a Facebook page! It’s got lots of extra marriage-related stuff like videos, links, news stories, and conversations not found on my blog. Come on over and let’s meet up!

Lots of Writing - Just Not Here

2012-03-29T23:17:00.001-04:00

Though it may not look like it here, I've been doing a whole lot of writing lately.

For starters, as of today I am a contributing writer for the Traditional Love Channel at YourTango.com, a site dedicated to all things "love." The truth is that most of what appears on that website is completely secular in nature. Some of it is benign, some of it is helpful, and some of it I don't agree with. That's OK with me. The "Traditional Love" section of the website is where writers share from a more biblical world view.

My reason for accepting the invitation to write on a website that has content which I don't necessarily support is that I see this as a fantastic opportunity to proclaim God's truth about marriage in a venue that will reach people who aren't necessarily there looking for it.

Go check out my first article: "3 Powerful Marriage Lessons From Easter."

My wife and I had the privilege of having Brad and Kate Aldrich visit us yesterday and today. It was a totally divine appointment and a blessing to share for hours on such a deep level with people we'd never met before (at least not in person).

Totally amazing people with huge hearts for marriages.

Kate blessed us by sharing her gift of photography, taking a bunch of pictures of Jenni and I as we walked around a local park! It was a beautiful day for that. I'm sure her photos will be much better than the one here that I snapped of them on my phone.

Ironically, my guest post on Brad and Kate's One Flesh Marriage blog went up while they were staying with us. You can check out my post there, "Lady's First?" In that post I write my answer to the question, "If you could share only one thing from your marriage, what would it be?"

Finally, I'm working on the second edition of a marriage small group curriculum entitled "12 Principles of a Surrendered Marriage." This is the second time we've led a marriage group with these materials, and I'm doing some major editing as we work through it with seven couples from our church. My goal is to have a "finished" edition by this summer. Watch this space for more on that!

So it's a busy season, but I'm excited about all that God is doing. Go God!

DO NOT Put Your Spouse on Your To Do List

2012-03-23T20:34:00.000-04:00

You’ve probably heard marriage advice like this: “Be sure to put your husband on your to-do list,” or “Make sure you plan time in your schedule for your wife.” I’ve probably given that exact advice myself.

While I’m all for making your marriage and your spouse a priority, something my wife said to me convinced me that we should rethink the put-your-spouse-on-your-list thing.

Let me explain.

You see, your marriage is unlike any other relationship in your life. And it’s not just because you get to enjoy sex with your spouse and no one else. God designed the marriage relationship so that you and your spouse are one: physically, emotionally and spiritually. That is ONLY true of your marriage, and the implications are HUGE!

A New Outlook

It’s easy to treat your spouse as just another “to do” item. How many times do you see your husband or wife as one more demand on your oh-so-limited time and energy? How often do you see the things you do for your spouse in the same light as the things you do for your kids, your job, or your home? It is actually NOTHING like any of those things.

We need to renew our thinking about it. When we look at it through the lens of being “one flesh,” we can begin to see that giving our time and attention to our spouse is actually something for us not taking something from us. Yes, it’s actually upside down from how we normally look at it.

That’s how things often are in the Kingdom of God: upside down.

When you feed your marriage, you are also giving life to yourself. When you give lavishly to your spouse, you actually accrue the benefit. When you act unselfishly, you still get to receive from it.

How cool is that?

Re-Thinking the To Do List

Here are some examples of how to renew your perspective away from the “to do list” mentality.

Say your wife asks you to pick something up at the grocery store on your way home so that she doesn’t have to go there for the fifth time in a week. Instead of being annoyed by the inconvenience at the end of your long work day, consider also buying her a little treat or some flowers when you stop, just to bless her. Do it without grumbling or complaining and let yourself really enjoy doing this small act of willing kindness.
Say you know your husband is “in the mood” or “it’s been too long.” Rather than resisting his advances, putting him off for a future time, or complaining about how tired you are or how much the kids demanded of you all day, throw yourself into his arms willingly. Enjoy the connection and intimacy, even if you are too tired to get all worked up. Let yourself be blessed by his desire for you and by giving him pleasure. You can also get pleasure whether or not your get the “ultimate pleasure.”
Say your wife has to run the kids to soccer practice after dinner and says on her way out the door that she’ll take care of the dishes when she gets back. Or maybe she even asks you to load the dishwasher while she is gone. Remind yourself that when you help her out, you are helping yourself out too. (Many women actually consider their husband doing dishes a form of foreplay.)
Say your husband has to work late for the fifth night in a row. Rather than feeling neglected and annoyed and reminding him with guilt-laden overtones that he really needs to get the grass cut and the hedges trimmed, hire a local boy to do the work for him. Or go out and trim the hedged yourself. Greet him cheerily when he finally does get home and thank him for working so hard and being such a good provider. Watch what kind of welcome home kiss you’ll get for that!

The fact is that when you are taking care of your husband or your wife, you are taking care of your marriage. And when you take care of your marriage, you are taking care of you, because you are one.

Now that I’ve said all that, let me make something clear: You need to put your husband or wife on your to-do list.

Huh?

OK, I’m kind of kidding around. What I actually mean is that you do need to be intentional about taking care of your spouse and your marriage, and that usually takes some planning and forethought. But when you do that, try thinking about it in a different light. When you do something deliberately to bless your spouse or to take care of your marriage, allow some of that blessing to flow back to you too - because it does!

What is the Culture of Your Marriage?

2012-03-19T21:32:00.001-04:00

Yikes! I can’t believe it’s been ten days since my last post.

Today I get the privilege of combining my two passions: marriage and worship. In addition to following marriage blogs, I also follow a bunch of worship blogs.

A while back I came across this message on the Brit blog called Worship Central. In addition to its application for me as a worship leader, I also thought immediately how the truth contained in this little blurb applies directly to marriage.

Watch the clip, but when you hear the term worship leader think of your role as a spouse, and when you hear worship team, substitute your marriage, and lastly, when you hear worship, think the way you love your spouse.

Direct YouTube link:

Culture vs. Strategy

I’m a planner and strategist by nature. My job as a product manager involves a lot of planning and strategy. I’m good at it. But what Nikki says about culture being more important than strategy is SO true. And sometimes I lose track of that fact.

There’s nothing wrong with planning or having deliberate strategies in your marriage. We need to have budgets. We need to plan vacations. We need to have strategies for dealing with conflict and stress.

But the truth is that one pound of culture is worth ten pounds of strategy. When the atmosphere of your marriage is right, planning and strategy become much easier, they become less critical, and they are certainly more effective.

So let’s look at the four cultural worship team principles from the video and apply them to marriage.

Serve with Gladness

A surrendered marriage is all about serving one another. When we have a culture of gladly serving and meeting our spouse’s needs, it makes the atmosphere satisfying, safe and enjoyable. The key here is “with gladness.” No one wants to be served reluctantly. Think about the last time you had a waiter that clearly did not enjoy waiting tables. Compare that experience to the last time you had one of those waiters that obviously loves what they do. It makes for an altogether different dining experience. Mediocre food with fantastic services is better than great food and an unpleasant waiter. It’s culture over strategy.

Give Sacrificially

Give generously to your spouse, even to the point of discomfort. Two things happen when you give in a way that costs you something. First, it blesses the receiver even more. And second, it blesses you to know that you put your husband or wife ahead of your self. With the right attitude, sacrificial giving feels really good. It creates a culture of generosity and blessing instead of stinginess and self-centeredness. That's an enjoyable culture.

Encourage and Esteem

How you speak to one another greatly affects the atmosphere in your home and marriage. There’s a rule of thumb I’ve heard that says seven positive statements have the same emotional impact as one negative one. Be watchful over your words, your tone, and your body language when you communicate. Make it a habit to speak into the things you want to see rather than the things you see that you don’t like. Having a culture of honor means speaking respectfully at all times, freely expressing admiration, and each valuing the other for who God sees them to be.

Seek First the Kingdom

A marriage built on the principles of the Kingdom of God has an unshakable foundation. Keep God at the center of all you do. Pray together. Talk about what God is doing in your marriage. Remind your spouse of who God says they are. Speak the truth in love. Keep in mind that often times Kingdom principles are the opposite of what the world says, so it isn’t necessarily easy or natural. Having a Kingdom culture takes a conscious effort.

Take some time this week to give some conscious attention to the culture of your marriage. Talk together about the four areas mentioned here and identify ways you would like to improve the atmosphere in your relationship. And to do that you might need to develop some strategies and make some plans.

Raise the White Flag and Win!

2012-03-08T20:59:00.001-05:00

This past weekend I attended the LIFT worship leader conference, held here in Atlanta and sponsored by Passion City Church, which is headed by Louie Giglio and Chris Tomlin of Passion fame. During the weekend I had my first chance to hear the Chris Tomlin song called “White Flag.” I immediately thought to myself, there’s definitely a post in this song!

The chorus of the song goes like this:

We raise our white flags
We surrender all to you
All for you
We raise our white flag
The war is over Love has come
Your love has won

What Battle?

“But I’m not at war with my wife!” you say. “My husband and I aren’t doing battle!” Well, I’m glad for that, but that’s not really the kind of battle I mean.

The battle I’m referring to is a much more subtle one. In fact, the subtlety is the biggest problem with this particular conflict. It is a war we often wage without even being aware of it.

I’m talking about the battle for your self.

In marriage, as in other areas, we all have a natural tendency to push for what we see as our rights. Without thinking about it overtly, we promote our personal agendas, question whether or not things are “fair” to us, and push to have our expectations met.

It’s as natural and easy as breathing. It happens by default.

Raise the White Flag of Surrender

When I talk about a couple to living a Surrendered Marriage, I’m mainly talking about the surrender in this battle for self.

Here’s a strange truth: if you win this battle you actually lose, but if you give up this battle you win.

Yeah, that sounds a little crazy. It sounds backwards. But the truth is that a lot of Kingdom principles work completely in reverse: the last shall be first, lose your life to find it, the greatest will be the servant of all, etc.

If you are mostly fighting for your “self” (your rights, agenda, fair share and expectations), then you are hurting your marriage and doing damage to your spouse. And because you are one flesh, even if you win, you really lose. You lose intimacy in your relationship. You lose the joy of giving freely to another. You lose the delight found in delighting your spouse. You lose the atmosphere of respect and honor in your marriage.

So maybe it’s time to raise the white flag on this battle for self. I’m not saying you should lose the battle; I’m saying you should give it up. I'm asking you to surrender. Chose instead to wage an altogether different battle; one for your spouse and your marriage. That means laying aside your rights and expectations and choosing instead to focus on what you might give to your spouse in order to bless him or her.

Surrender your self, and let your marriage win!

Let Love Win

As the chorus above concludes, choose to let love win.

Love wins when you surrender into one another. Love wins when you let go of expectations and rights. Love wins when you give love to one another unconditionally and abundantly. Love wins when grace and mercy abound.

Love can really only win when you raise the white flag on the battle for self.

Leadership Disaster - Withholding & Demanding

2012-03-05T16:43:00.000-05:00

This is a follow up to last week’s Man-up Monday post to husbands about what I sense is the perhaps the most pressing problem for marriages in the church today: husbands afraid to stand up and lead. Today’s post is intended to help you avoid a few disasters as you step forward to lead your wife.

This post was inspired by something Sheila Gregiore wrote as part of her 29 Days to Great Sex series. (Concluding post of this great series is here, and has a complete list of all the posts). In the post in question, she describes how withholding sex from your partner or demanding certain things does great damage to a couple’s sex life.

I want to extrapolate that idea and apply it more generally to a husband’s leadership role. From my observations, withholding and demanding are two of the biggest leadership mistakes a husband can make.

Withholding

Intentionally or not, we’ve all done it. We’ve all held back something we know our wife needs or wants in retribution for not getting what we want or feel we deserve.

Have you ever withheld affection when she’s refused or rebuffed your sexual advances? Have you ever backed off on communication with her when you feel she has acted disrespectfully toward you? Have you ever intentionally broadly withheld your input or guidance in response to feeling challenged about a decision you made? Have you ever backed off leading because you don’t like how she pushes you to lead more?

Here’s the deal when it comes to withholding: it doesn’t work. In fact it actually works against you. Sure it’s natural and easy to respond against our wives when we feel neglected, offended or challenged, but holding back from meeting her needs is only going to make the “problem” worse.

This may sound harsh, but withholding is basically an act of selfishness. It is, in effect, saying to your wife, “You aren’t giving me what I want, so I’m not going to give you what you want either.” What that does is perpetuate a cycle of selfishness in both of you. As each of you become reactive to not getting your needs met, you withdraw and withhold from each other further. It's a death spiral. When you refuse to love her, cherish her, connect with her, or lead her, she will tend to respond by becoming less interested in sex, less respectful, more confrontational and pushy.

You end up getting more of what you don’t want.

Demanding

The other common leadership error husbands make in response to not getting what they want is to demand it. You probably already know what I’m going to say. Demanding doesn’t work any better than withholding.

Now it may be possible for you to initially get more of what you want by demanding it. Your wife may bow to your anger and frustration for a season, especially if she is afraid of you or fearful that your marriage is threatened. But it’s NEVER sustainable. It will damage your relationship and eventually things will crash and burn around you.

If you think to yourself, “I’m in charge, and I have a right to demand things from my wife,” you are not leading her; you are attempting to enslave her. Sorry if that seems harsh, but I’m just calling it like I see it.

Whether you are demanding her submission, her silent acquiescence to your decisions, her sexual availability, or her obedience, you are doing significant damage to your relationship. Eventually, she will flee your domination. She will eventually refuse your demands (typically in an emotional explosion), seek someone else who will treat her better, or worse yet, decide to abandon your marriage altogether.

Leading with Love

I want to remind you that you can be both strong and good in your leadership. These two things are not mutually exclusive. Jesus is your role model for leadership, and he was definitely very strong and bold, yet totally good and loving.

Don’t think I’m asking you to lead weakly by never asking for what you want. I am however, asking you to put your wife first, to be willing to lay down selfish demands and to stop withholding as way of manipulating her into giving to you. I am asking you to love her selflessly, regardless of how she responds. I am asking you to make your needs and wants know in a loving and non-demanding way. I am asking you to delight your wife with your love and to lead her in a way that adds joy to her life.

I’m asking you to love her like Jesus loves you.

You’ll be surprised that when you start loving your wife lavishly, giving to her according to her needs, without pre-condition or expectations, you will find that she will respond in kind. It may not be immediate or in the exact way you expect it, but when you pursue her unrelentingly with love, she cannot help but respond.

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Exhibiting Spiritual Leadership from Brad at One Flesh Marriage
Husbands, Lead with Love

Man-Up Monday - What Are You Afraid Of?

2012-02-27T21:33:00.000-05:00

I posted a couple times last week on the touchy topic of submission (See “A Picture of Submission” and “The S-word and the F-word”).

I’m moving from the sensitive topic of submission to the downright controversial topic of headship. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire!

That’s right, this week I’m talking to husbands about their role in marriage. Listen up, husbands, this week is going to be for you.

What’s The Real Problem?

My wife will tell you, I’m not one to hold back from saying what I think. That sometimes gets me into a little trouble, but that’s just the way I’m wired.

I’m going to make one of those bold statements right now:

The reason there aren’t more biblical marriages today is not because too few wives are willing to submit to their husbands. It’s because too many husbands are afraid to lead.

Now don’t flame me. I know there are husbands who err on the other side and abuse their authority. I believe that historically that has been a big problem and the main cause of the pendulum swinging so far the other way. But the pendulum has indeed swung.

Why So Afraid?

I think there are several contributing factors to the reticence of so many husbands to assume the mantle of authority that God has placed on them. Some or all of these may apply to you:

Manliness is not so much admired or celebrated as it is broadly maligned and denigrated in society at large
Fear of failure, of making wrong decisions or of leading poorly
Lack of good male role models
Not knowing how to deal with a strong wife in a way that preserves her strength yet acknowledges your leadership
Unable or unwilling to defend the biblical notion of a husband’s authority against peer or family pressure. What will they think of me?
Fear of taking responsibility
Lack of correct biblical teaching by the church on what constitutes genuine, Christ-like headship
Unwillingness to do the hard work of leadership. Yes, sometimes it’s hard work.
Feeling disqualified due to past mistakes.

I may have missed some others, but these are the ones that stand out most to me.

What Should You Do?

The first step in claiming or reclaiming your proper role is to realize that whether you accept it or not, God has placed you in a role in your marriage. Acknowledge the fact that you have authority, regardless of how or whether you use it.

The next step is to get educated. Thankfully I’m seeing more and more people willing to write truth on the topic of the role of husbands in marriage. Paul Byerly, aka The Generous Husband, wrote a few really good posts in just the last week.

I have written a few recommended posts as well:

If you read all that and still have questions, please feel free to email me using the Contact tab at the top of this page.

The third step involves a conversation with your wife about all this. Maybe you are afraid to broach the subject for fear of her reaction. Maybe you have been shot down before. I suggest that rather than using generic emotionally charged words like headship, submission and authority, you instead paint a picture for her of what that looks like. It looks like unconditional love. It looks like sacrifice and laying down your life for her. Tell her you want to learn to be both strong and good for the sake of your marriage. Explain that your highest desire is to love her and lead her well.

The final step is to make some concrete changes in the way you do your marriage. Make a specific plan that flows out of the learning you’ve done and the conversations you’ve had. Talk to your wife about your plan, or better yet, just start to lovingly lead her. Here are a few things to consider doing:

Tell her you want to get a handle on your finances and that you want to sit down together to make a budget.
Suggest that you pray together.
Instead of asking her where she wants to go to dinner, you pick the restaurant – one that you know she enjoys
Defend her against those who come against her. Make it clear that you are on her side.
Take a more active role in parenting, demonstrating your love for your kids
Write her a letter, a love letter; base it on what you have been learning about loving her like Christ loves the church
Plan a weekend getaway – plant it all: the child care, the packing, what you’ll do. Bonus points if you can pull off a surprise.
Honor her with your words – every day. Tell her how beautiful she is and how thankful you are that she is your wife.
Hold her until she makes you let go.

Are you ready to step out and lead? Why not go for it? If God has placed you in authority and given you the responsibility of leading your wife with love, why not set it in your heart to do it well?!

The "S" Word and the "F" Word

2012-02-25T12:57:00.000-05:00

Don’t worry, this post is not about what my somewhat sensational tongue-in-cheek title implies.

However, the S and F words I will be discussing might incite an even stronger reaction than their four-letter-word counterparts. I’m talking about submission and freedom. I’m following up from my last post, A Picture of Submission, where I talked about the many wrong pictures we have of what submission looks like.

Today, I want to dispel one other erroneous, yet pervasive notion about submission. That wrongful notion is that marital submission is somehow akin to enslavement. In fact, I argue that the opposite is true: submission actually brings freedom and power.

Don’t buy it? Read on!

Rick Warren, in a post on his Purpose Drive Blog, says this,

This is true worship: bringing pleasure to God as we give ourselves completely to him.

Of course a wife who lives in submission to her husband is not “worshiping” him, but we do know that her submission in marriage is to mirror her submission to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). In fact, a wife gives her husband pleasure by giving herself completely to him.

But what does she get out of the bargain?

Freedom in Surrender?

In giving ourselves fully to God, we enjoy the freedom and power that He offers us in exchange.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

The martial parallel of this verse means that when a wife gives herself fully to her husband, as to the Lord, she no longer has to strive to earn his love or fight against his leadership. She knows that she already has his love! All that he has is hers also. So, instead of striving to get his love and acceptance she finds joy from doing things for her husband out of his love and for his pleasure. This is a huge paradigm shift for many.

Submission to the Lord also makes us free to enjoy unbounded intimacy with him. God’s love and grace free us from shame and guilt, so that we have the freedom to come to him boldly and confidently:

In him and through faith in him [Jesus] we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Ephesians 3:12

So too, a wife who yields herself to her husband has the freedom to be naked and unashamed with him. I’m talking about the freedom to be who she really is: spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and physically – naked yet without any fear or shame before him.

The truth is that a wife will often feel the need to control her husband as a result of fear or shame: fear that she won’t get what she wants or feels entitled to, fear that she won’t be loved and cared for as she desires, driven by shame over her own self-hatred or perceived flaws. The truth is that trying to control other people or manipulate your circumstances makes you a slave to your fears.

Submission, on the other hand, releases you from the need to control, from the natural tendency self-protect and self-promote, and the desire to hide your weaknesses. Submission gives you freedom and peace in a way little else can. As you allow yourself to fall completely into the arms of your husband, you are free to enjoy the blissful peace that his love and protection provide.

Freedom is Not License

Now let me pause here to remind you that there is a dramatic difference between freedom and license. The freedom that comes from submission does not imply the license to do what you please, how you please, when you please. For more on this, see my post, “Liberty and License in Marriage.”

Who Has the Power?

The other distortion that goes along with the “submission = enslavement” notion is that the wife loses all her power: the power to make her own decisions, the power to be who she is and find fulfillment, the power to reach her destiny.

First of all, let me point out that because biblical submission can only come by choice, as a freely given gift, the power ultimately lays with the wife. It is hers to decide.

Second, I see the marriage relationship as one where power is exchanged rather than shared. Rather than trying to split it all down the middle, 50-50, each should give 100% of themselves to the other. When you both have the understanding that "All I have and all that I am is yours," the question of who has the power becomes moot.

Don’t confuse power and authority. I believe a husband has a God-given place of authority in marriage, but the power that comes with that authority is to be used to serve and bless his wife. Ultimately, he does all in his power to see her fulfilled and to see her reach her destiny in God.

There is also great power in submission, but it is power of a different form. Rather than the direct power that comes from authority, it’s the power of ravishing your husband’s heart. It’s the power of deep and abiding intimacy. It’s the power of propelling your marriage to new heights and of helping to propel your husband into his own destiny in God.

In truth, in submission you are exchanging perceived power for real power. You give up the power to control your husband, which you don’t really have anyway, and you gain the power to capture his heart completely.

You give up the power to live independently from your husband, which you gave up when you decided to marry him anyway, and you gain the power to that comes from joining yourself intimately to him in every way.

There are other exchanges of power to be found in submission, but hopefully you get the idea. When you cede elements of your power to your husband, you get back an altogether different and better kind of power – real power.

What is your own experience with discovering the freedom and power of submission?

A Picture of Submission (WoW)

2012-02-22T04:00:00.000-05:00

It’s been a while since I’ve done a Wives Only Wednesday (WoW) post and even longer since I’ve touched on the topic of submission. Yes that.

Still reading?

I’ve been inspired to come back to this much-debated, much-maligned and much-misunderstood topic by two things. First, we’ve been covering this foundational concept in the marriage small group my wife and I are leading at our church, where we’ve had some great discussion.

Second, I’ve been reading a most excellent series on submission by Lori Byerly, aka The Generous Wife. I’m doing a post-by-post summary of her thoughtful series over on my Facebook page along with some questions that I hope will spur some interesting dialogue. I encourage you to join the conversation there.

Challenging Some Wrong Metaphors

Today I want to challenge your thinking on submission by dispelling a few wrong-headed comparisons that people make concerning God’s design for marriage.

Boss-Employee – This is perhaps the most common misconception I’ve seen. This metaphor leads to thinking that submission is akin to being “managed” or having decisions made for you. The truth is that when the Bible says that a “husband is the head of his wife,” the Greek word there (kephale) does not have anything to do with him being the boss.

Captain-First Mate – The problem with this metaphor is that is makes the husband-wife relationship mostly about who gives and who takes the orders. It also implies the kind of blind obedience that is called for in a military operation, but that has nothing to do with marriage.

Master-Slave – Probably the most extreme interpretation, the master-slave metaphor gets invoked mostly by those attempting to make the Bible look extreme and ridiculous.

Parent-Child – This metaphor is just plain wrong in the way it subordinates and diminishes a wife’s role. It wrongly implies immaturity and inability on a wife’s part, and it lacks the proper acknowledgement of the kind of partnership marriage is meant to be. The parents’ authority over their children is not akin to a husbands authority in marriage.

Head and Body

Ephesians 5 invokes the head-body metaphor to describe the marriage relationship, so it is one we cannot easily dismiss.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24 NIV

As with any metaphor, there are limits to the analogy.

As someone in our small group pointed out, I don’t think it’s accurate to say the husband does the “thinking” and the wife does the “doing.” Again, that’s too close to the giving/following orders paradigm that just doesn’t work for me. Likewise, I don’t think it is accurate to say that, as the head, the husband is the “command and control” center of the marriage and the wife just executes the will of the husband/head. Nope, that just doesn’t ring true.

I do like what the head-body metaphor says about oneness and inseparability. A head without a body is useless (and dead); likewise a body without the head. The two are intimately and permanently joined to their mutual benefit.

I also like what the metaphor says about the head looking out for the body. For example, when the body feels pain, the head reacts by directing the body away from the pain. The head is all about the protection, nurture, development and sustenance of the body.

The Ultimate Metaphor

The truth is that the husband-wife relationship is unlike any other. God created it to be unique, and that’s why so many of our metaphors fall short.

There is one metaphor, actually more of an analogy, that I think God had in mind from the very beginning of time. It’s the one Paul spoke of in Ephesians 5. It’s is the one that strikes me as providing the greatest insight on the martial relationship. I’m talking about how the relationship between husband and wife resembles the relationship between Christ and the church.

This is the great mystery of marriage and, for me, the very key to understanding God’s design for it.

This picture more than any other sheds light on God’s design for marriage:

Clearly the oneness we share in marriage resembles the oneness we have with Christ. Implicit is the spiritual union that is part of the marriage covenant, as well as the knitting together of two souls.
Husbands are directed to lavish unrelenting love upon their wives, just as Christ does on us. Further, husbands are called to lay down their lives for their wives, emulating Christs sacrificial love.
Wives are encouraged to submit to their husbands in a manner that reflects their submission to Christ. (Don’t carry the metaphor too far and make husbands out to be gods of their home).
I like how our oneness with Jesus does not diminish who we are, but rather brings us into the fullness of who were designed to be. So too in marriage.

There are a whole bunch of other implications to the Christ-church comparisons. Offer your ideas with a comment below.

Commitment Is Not Enough

2012-02-17T21:35:00.002-05:00

Don’t be misled by the title of this post. I’m am definitely BIG on commitment in marriage. It's essential!

A while back I shared my thoughts on the importance of commitment in a post entitled “Ceremony vs. Covenant.” Here is what I said then and what I still believe

It seems we’ve mixed up what marriage really is. Marriage isn’t a certificate or a ceremony. The paper and the pomp are but impermanent symbols of what should be a much deeper and more lasting covenant. Marriage is to be a holy and genuine commitment to live as a husband and wife, growing evermore toward being inseparably one in body, soul and spirit.

It is the marriage covenant that forms the basis for our commitment. There is a Dietrich Bonhoeffer quote that I really love. It comes from a letter he wrote to a newlywed couple:

It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.

The point he is making is that we need to remind ourselves that marriage is a covenant and a commitment and allow that to fuel our love for one another. We have turned it around backwards in modern times such that in seasons when giddy feelings are hard to muster, we think it must be time to bail. That is not how it is supposed to work.

So yes, I firmly believe that commitment is hugely important. But as important as I think commitment is to a lasting marriage, commitment alone is not sufficient to sustain a marriage for the long haul.

I believe it also takes two other important ingredients: faith and a willingness to change.

A Sure Faith

What is faith? The Bible puts it like this:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

Why is faith important in marriage? Because sometimes things aren’t going to look like you think they should. Sometimes what you hope for might not bear much resemblance to what you are actually seeing. That’s when you need to look at your marriage with the eyes of faith, believing that God has the power and desire to make your marriage all it can be.

God is very pro-marriage. He is very very much FOR your marriage. He wants more than for you to just hang in there because you said you would at the altar, as great as that is. No he wants you to have hope in him.

God, the author of your marriage, is our source of hope and our reason to have faith.

A “Change Me” Attitude

As important as commitment and faith are, they aren’t enough either. The third ingredient that is essential for a lasting marriage is a willingness to change.

You can have a 100% commitment to your marriage and have all the faith in the world that it will turn out like you hope, but sometimes, in order to make your marriage all it can be, you will have to be the one to change. .

I know it’s tempting to think, “If my husband would just do X, I know our marriage would be so much better,” or “If my wife would just do Y, I know our marriage would be great.” You can believe for X or Y with all your heart.

Consider, however, that maybe your spouse’s lack of X or Y might not be the actual problem. The thing between where your marriage is and where it could be might be that something in you needs to change.

Are you willing to ask God to change you however he wants to in order to strengthen your marriage? Are you willing to let him adjust your expectations to align them with his idea of what your marriage should be?

What do you think of my three-fold formula for a lasting marriage? If every marriage was founded on a firm commitment to the covenant, an enduring faith and a willingness to be changed, would that be enough to make marriage last?

Do you have some other "keys" for an enduring marriage?

PS - Call it prophetic if you want, but just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, I got the following Tweet from @JoyceMeyer :

Take some bold steps of faith and change anything the Lord leads you to change.

Thanks, Lord, for that little bit of divine confirmation.

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Suggested Further Reading on Other Blogs:

Best of Intentions from Marriage Life
Which Kind of Commitment Do You Have by Lori Lowe at Marriage Gems

Navigating the Marriage Road - Part 3

2012-02-13T16:39:00.001-05:00

It's true that keeping your marriage headed consistently in the right direction can be challenging. The good news is that you can help make sure your relationship stays on course by employing three essential tools for marital navigation.

I’ve covered two of these tools already in previous posts:

In Part 1, Watchfulness, I explained why it is hugely important to pay close attention to your marriage.
In Part 2, Transparency, I posed that the level of intimacy in your marriage will be capped by the degree of transparency you share.

The third and final component of what I am referring to as the “GPS system for your marriage” is Accountability.

Accountable in Multiple Dimensions

The first dimension of accountability is in your personal relationship with Jesus. While I’m dead set against the notion that we can “earn” God’s favor by jumping through spiritual hoops, I do believe that the level of intimacy a husband and wife personally share with Jesus individually directly influences the intimacy level in their marriage.Your spiritual walk is the foundation of your marriage - keep it strong.

The second degree of accountability is for husband and wife to be accountable to one another. This basically involves being answerable to each other for your actions and attitudes. In the partnership that is a surrendered marriage, transparency and watchfulness work together to enable accountability. As you pursue together the kind of marriage you want to have, it is good and right to speak lovingly to each other of what your marriage can be. This is absolutely NOT an invitation to nit-pick each other to death or to keep score on each other. Rather, in an open and honoring atmosphere, it's about helping each to love the other well.

The third and final area of accountability is accountability with other couples. Link up with a few other couples whose marriages you admire and spend time together. Give them permission to speak into your marriage. As your marriage matures, be willing to mentor other couples in their marriage journey.

Not a Weapon

I think accountability has gotten a bit of a bad rap. And the reason so many view it negatively is because it’s often tended toward the “someone looking over your shoulder, waiting for you to screw up so they can smack you back in line” kind of thing. That’s not at all how I view accountability. The problem with this kind of sin-focused accountability is that it focuses almost entirely on the negative. By its nature it draws us toward looking in the wrong direction – at sin.

I like to think instead in terms of grace-focused accountability. By that I mean rather than being held accountable against the negative, let’s hold each other accountable toward the positive. In a surrendered marriage, we hold Jesus up as the standard and focus on becoming more like him. It naturally keeps our focus in the right direction – on Jesus.

So rather than thinking of accountability as a weapon to be used against you (or for you to use against your spouse), think of it as a tool to help you transform your way of living to be more Christ-like: full of life and truth, full of selfless love, full of trust and joy and peace.

When you think of accountability, think relationship instead of rules.

It’s time for you to chime in. What are some positive, grace-based ways that you and your spouse have found to hold each other accountable in your marriage? Do you have a mentor couple? Are you acting as one?

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Further Reading:

Erin at Mystery32 has a great post on the importance of community in supporting and strengthening marriages entitled Don’t Do it Alone! . Check it out!

Did you know that Journey to Surrender now has a Facebook page! It’s got lots of extra marriage-related stuff like videos, links, news stories, and conversations not found on my blog. Come on over and let’s meet up!

National Marriage Week - Free E-Book

2012-02-08T13:33:00.000-05:00

Click on the cover art above to download your free copy.

In honor of National Marriage Week, our friends at MarriageWorks have put together a FREE ebook of marriage encouragement and inspiration entitled, "Stay Connected." I'm proud to be among the 18 contributing authors for this great resource. I hope you'll read my page 4 article entitled "What If" and let me know what you think!

Also be sure to check out my Facebook Page, where I'm posting lots of cool stuff all week long in honor of National Marriage Week that speaks to the importance of marriage in our society today.

Lastly, click on over to the National Marriage Week website and see what the global celebration of marriage is all about and how you can help.

From February 7th to 14th every year— is a collaborative effort to encourage many diverse groups to strengthen individual marriages, reduce the divorce rate, and build a stronger marriage culture, which in turn helps curtail poverty and benefits children. Together we can make more impact than working alone. Please join with others to host special events, launch a marriage class or home group, or place local advertising or news stories during National Marriage Week USA.