Journey to the Darkside

My brother has passed away...

2014-07-23T01:46:00.002-07:00

I am absolutely heartbroken and devastated. One of the worst days of my life today. I honestly didn't think this year could get any worse. I was wrong...very, very wrong. My little brother (age 38) has passed away very suddenly and unexpected. A very tragic and sad end to my brother's life. My sister phoned to tell me the news. I had to go tell my mom this news in person.

I feel sick to my stomach right now and dizzy. I feel like I might pass out. I can't even imagine what this world is like without my sibling. He's gone??????? He is really gone??? I just can't even seem to wrap my head around this. I've had a lot of loss through the years but this is one of the most heartbreaking. I just don't even know how to deal with this??!!! How does one deal with losing a sibling so young and suddenly?????? So many memories with my brother. I just wish I had spent more time with him and kept in touch more.

Life is short. Life really fucking sucks too sometimes. I honestly don't even know how to deal with this loss....

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Summer adventures

2014-07-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we did something very fun with our son. We went on a camping trip. It felt so nice to get away from it all for a while. The campground is really nice. Had a restaurant and pool/steam room and hot tub. My best friend also was there so we got to visit with her and her family. We went for a hike up to Bridal Falls which was really beautiful. We got to sit around the campfire making smores. It was a lot of fun. We didn't get much sleep though. And then I got sick the next day when we were at Harrison Hot Springs. I was glad that we went camping though. We had a lot of fun up until that point I got sick.

I am doing ok. The depression has been a bit better lately. I am taking Gabapentin which seems to be helping with anxiety and depression. I was given this med in the detox and it seems effective. I am still taking sleeping pills but weaning down on those. I really want to be able to sleep naturally again. That is a big goal for me. I have done yoga a few times and walk daily. I also journal every day too. Writing in my journal helps me a lot. I am able to share my most private thoughts in it. Anakin is the only one who is able to read them. Anakin and I also like to meditate at night before bed to relax us both.

We have had some really great sex lately this summer. Also some great big orgasms. Some spanks on the ass but not really any heavy play yet. I do miss kink a lot but am hopeful that will come back in time. I do love all the cuddles that I do with Anakin though. We are always very close and have a lot of intimacy in our relationship.

I got my hair cut short yesterday. I have been trying to work on myself more. I am trying to eat a better diet and feel good about myself. My self esteem really went downhill over the last few months. I have tried to work on it by taking better care of myself. I am trying to take it one day at a time. Not be so focused on the past or even the future. Just take it day by day. I am very grateful for Anakin and my friends and support system. I hope there will be more summer adventures coming up. I have a few goals that I'd like to reach. I am slowly trying to crawl out of the deep dark black hole that I was in for several months. It's been a slow and long process but I do see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Struggling with addiction

2014-07-08T12:16:00.002-07:00

Today is my 13th day clean and sober. I am very early in my recovery and taking it very slowly. I have been feeling fragile lately. The depression seems a tiny bit better but still having my moments that it's hard. The anxiety seems a bit worse lately. It's hard when I don't take any meds for it. I used to take adivan but trying to stay off that. The anxiety gets so bad that it's hard to leave my house sometimes. Struggling with addictions is hard. You have to take it slow and one day a time.

Something I read in the AA book was that you need to let go of the past. Not be anxious about the future. But to live for today in the moment. I have been trying to do that lately. I needed to let go of the past. I've struggled too much about that. I've made some really big mistakes. I have been anxious about the future too. I decided to try to just live for today. To take it slower. I need to be gentle with myself. It's not easy at all.

I am still taking sleeping pills to help me sleep. I'd like to let go of this habit. This is one addiction that is hard for me to kick. They gave me the sleeping pills at the hospital and detox. I hate having sleep anxiety. I tend to really panic if I don't get to sleep at night. I am going to need to learn to deal with some bad sleepless nights to get my natural sleep back. This is a really big challenge for me.

I want to try to get to an AA meeting. I wish that I drove or had someone to go with me to it. I am nervous to go alone. I wish I a bigger support system while dealing with my addictions. I would really like to get a sponsor too and not sure how to do that.

I am trying to focus on my health a lot more. I have been walking daily. I've done yoga a few times. I am trying to eat better. I have to take it day by day. Otherwise it all becomes a bit overwhelming for me. Struggling with addictions is a lifelong process. It's hard and challenging for most people who have addictions. I've got to learn to let go. Let go of the past. Let go of my fears. Let go of all the guilt and shame I felt with having my addictions. It's not easy...

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Vancouver Detox

2014-07-03T10:48:00.002-07:00

I have not been online very much lately. It's been a very hard month for me. I was in the hospital for 9 days. Then recently I was in a detox place in Vancouver for 5 1/2 days. I decided to go to Vancouver Detox after having a problem with prescription drugs (hospital put me back on adivan after struggling with an addiction to this earlier this year) as well as alcohol. It was a very hard decision. I was very scared to walk through the doors of Vancouver Detox. It was a life changing experience for me though.

I met some people who were struggling with similar issues as I am. I went to my first AA meeting. I joined Vancouver Daytox and went to several classes including Smart Recovery, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and free acupuncture. One day I spent 5 hours in Daytox classes while going through withdrawal from adivan and alcohol. It was hard but I learned a lot. It gave me a lot to think about. I have struggled with alcohol since I was 16. I have always turned to alcohol to help me during difficult times or help me lose my inhibitions. A lot of my wild sex adventures through the years were fueled by alcohol. It was hard to admit that I have had a problem with it.

I was glad to have the time to do some soul searching. They don't allow electronics and no visitors for 48 hours. I read the AA book (alcoholics anonymous) as well as a good Drew Barrymore book about her recovery from addiction. The staff was really good there. I had a lot of support and encouragement. I have to admit that I was scared to leave Detox. I considered going to a recovery house afterwords but was too hard to leave my family/Anakin.

I am 8 days clean and sober today. I struggle with my addictions every single day. I have to learn to deal with my panic/anxiety naturally and that has been hard. I have had to learn to take it day by day. The past is the past. The future is unknown. But at least for today I will stay clean and sober and try to get through my day.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Our strong force

2014-06-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have had a pretty good weekend so far. Yesterday was a good day. I really hold onto that feeling when I have a good day. It seems like this year there were more bad days than good. We went out with my mom for the afternoon. We went to Crescent beach. There is something very calming about the beach. I love the ocean air. Eating fish n chips and just enjoying the atmosphere of the beach. We had a date night. Anakin took me out to the movies. We saw Edge of Tomorrow on IMAX 3D. Very good movie!!

We had some sex and orgasms this weekend too. We did lots and lots of cuddling. It's one of the best parts of my day is when we can cuddle up together. I am still feeling a bit fragile after leaving the hospital. Some days are harder than others. I'm just glad to have Anakin there. Our force is very strong. We have been through so much and we stay together and get stronger. I am so glad to have Him in my life.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Happy Father's Day!

2014-06-15T10:55:00.003-07:00

Happy Father's day to Anakin and all the other Dads out there today. Today is always a bit sad for me. Anakin and I both lost our Dads and we both think of them today. It's hard to celebrate Father's day when you don't have a Dad. :(

I have been away from blogging and a lot of social media for the last two weeks. It's been a *really* rough time. It's also been life changing for me. I went into the hospital about 2 weeks ago for some physical pain that I was feeling. The Doctor got me to see a psychiatric nurse there. I had a pretty big breakdown. I agreed to check myself into the ward there. That was probably one of the hardest and biggest decisions I have ever made in my life. I was terrified. I had no idea what was going to happen. I was in the ER for two days until transferred over to the mental ward and got a bed. I don't think I left the room for hours because of freaking out so badly.

I got lots of group therapy in the ward. I got put on some meds. I was also diagnosed. I have bipolar 1. They have told me that having bipolar can be hereditary. I have always known something was a bit "off" but thought it was mostly just depression and stress from all that I have been through. I was also diagnosed with major depression. I made friends with a few people in the ward. Some people had some pretty sad stories about their lives. I did a lot of reading and had quiet time in the chapel where I prayed and tried to find some strength. I had a few visitors and appreciated those a lot. It can feel lonely and isolated when you are on the ward.

I got released from the ward on Thursday but coming home was very overwhelming for me. All the meds I'm on are also making things difficult to cope. I am trying to wean myself off some meds and also taking new ones for my bipolar. Yesterday was a really bad day. I felt suicidal and really bad. My mom and Anakin got me to check myself into the hospital. I was sent home without too much help and more meds. :( It's very frustrating to need the help but not get it. I am also trying to process and struggle with my diagnosis. I've been told that this will be something I will always have to learn to deal with and manage. I just hope that I will get better and this darkness (severe depression) will eventually get better one day.

I wasn't sure about blogging about my diagnosis or experience but maybe someone reading this can understand or know what I am going through. It really helps to know that I am not alone with what I am dealing with.

Thank you to all those who supported me and helped me through the last two weeks while I was going through hell. It really meant a lot to me.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Play time on the darkside

2014-05-26T10:26:00.002-07:00

We had a date night on Friday night. We finally had the chance to play. It's been so long since I got spanked. We got home and had dinner and watched some TV and then Anakin wanted to spank me. I went over His knee and got a hand spanking as a warm up. My bum is not used to being spanked. I wiggled around and He said "stay still" a lot to me. lol. :P

We went up to the bedroom and He took His belt off. I got a hard belt strapping. My ass was very red and welted. The sex we had afterwords was amazing! Then He made me cum with the Hitachi. It didn't take me very long to have a big orgasm. Then He spanked me more. It was a nice night. I miss playing with Him.

Saturday was a nice day but started to get abdominal pain late in the day. It got worse yesterday. I spent most of the day in bed and almost went to the hospital. Anakin took good care of me. I was very depressed. I am tired of having health problems. I am feeling a little bit better today although still not 100%. Not sure if I will ever feel 100% as there is always something going on with my health. I did sleep naturally last night for 3 hours. My sleep is very slowly coming back. It's been almost 2 months off sleeping pills. I have to give up the alcohol/aids and get back to natural sleep again. That has been a big challenge for me.

It's Monday. Blah. Already looking forward to the weekend.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

TGIF! Date night

2014-05-23T10:51:00.002-07:00

TGIF. It's Friday and date night tonight. I haven't had a date night in a long time. Looking forward to spending some time with Anakin. Hoping we can maybe even play a little bit. Been way too long since we did that. I've missed it a lot. I need a spanking! :P

Hope you all have a good weekend!

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Life changes

2014-05-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

There have been a lot of life changes happening this past year. Over the weekend there was a pretty big life change that affected our whole family. My teen daughter moved out of our house. She has moved in with her Dad. This last year has been difficult with dealing with her. She graduated last year and has no direction in her life. She has lived with us rent free and seems to have little ambition for finding a job or figuring out what she wants to do with her life. The fighting with her has gotten quite bad at times. It was a hard decision to make. I miss her a lot but am hoping that this will encourage her to make some changes in her life.

It is really hard to adjust to change. I just want things to be the way they used to be a long time ago but that's not realistic. My kids are growing up. I am getting older. Life moves on. I know that a lot of my depression lately has been because of all the changes in my life. The Hysterectomy I had was one of the biggest changes in my life. I am trying to come to terms with the new chapter in my life with menopause and a different body. I feel like it's changed me mentally as well as physically. Every day is a struggle and I just try to hold on during the storm. It's not easy.

My force has not felt very strong lately...

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

TGIF! Victoria day long weekend!

2014-05-16T21:26:00.003-07:00

TGIF! It's the Victoria day long weekend starting. I've had some really bad days lately. Today has been a pretty good day so far! It's a good feeling. I am not feeling too bad today. Depression seems a bit better...at least for today. Anakin stayed home from work. We got a lot done today and had a very productive day. We went out for sushi for dinner tonight. It was AWESOME!! We took our daughter with us. It was my mother's day celebration with her as she was not here on Sunday. It was the best sushi I have ever had in my life!! VERY yummy!!

We came home to some video games. We have the XBox One and have been playing Fortza5. I am getting really good at it. Anakin is horny so we plan to have sex/orgasms tonight. I am even feeling horny too which is a really great feeling. I am going to ask for permission to use the Hitachi! :P It's been a good start to the long weekend.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

More sad news

2014-05-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

I got some sad news this morning from my ex husband. His mom passed away. My ex MIL (mother in law) was in the hospital for a while and struggled hard but passed away early this morning. I feel very sad for my ex husband and his family and also for my daughter. She has lost a lot of grandparents the last few years. I feel my own emotions over this too.

My mom had said that I am not involved in the situation. I may not be married to my ex husband anymore but there were a lot of memories during that time I was with him. I also care about his family and what happens to them. My ex MIL and I had a bit of a complicated relationship. We didn't always get along but we did share a few good memories. She got me into watching cooking shows. I used to really enjoy her cooking too. We also had a few nights that we would stay up late playing cards.

I feel very bad for my ex husband. I know what it's like to lose a parent. The anniversary of my Dad's death is around the corner. This time of the year is always quite brutal for me with depression and bad memories. Today is a *very* bad day for my depression. Life feels overwhelming right now.

I was able to get a glimpse at natural sleep the other night. I slept naturally for the first time in months. I'm still really struggling with it though. :/ I absolutely HATE having sleeping issues. Most people take it for granted being able to lay their head down and go to sleep. It is a daily struggle for me. I took some benedryl the other night to help me sleep but it came with bad side effects. I have severe sleep anxiety. I think about it all day and get very anxious as nighttime approaches and wondering if I will sleep or not. I hate having insomnia so I will often take an aid to help me sleep. One of the worst feelings is when dawn approaches and I am still in my bed tossing and turning with no sleep.

I was a pretty good sleeper until my Hysterectomy. That is probably the #1 reason I wish I had never done the surgery. I miss the days when I could sleep 12-14 hours a day and then nap during the day. Naps are distant memories for me. I feel deeply depressed over my sleeping issues. Also the many health issues that I seem to have daily. Not sure why I seem to have dizzy spells and weakness and also anxiety too. Maybe all related to menopause? Got blood work done and it was all fine.

How do you deal with severe depression and anxiety? How do you deal with your daily life when it's such a struggle? I will admit to having suicidal thoughts many times but try to hold on for Anakin and our kids. I just really want some hope or something positive to hang onto. Will things get better? Will I ever feel better? Will I sleep normally again? I really miss my old life. I miss so many people who have passed away. I miss feeling normal.

My force is not strong.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Visit from a dragonfly

2014-05-06T16:48:00.005-07:00

I was having a peaceful moment outside on my deck today. I was enjoying some sunshine outside with my kitty. I turned around and saw something amazing and beautiful. I saw a blue dragonfly on our window. I love living in the country. You never know what you will see. :) It is nice to enjoy those little moments in life. It made me smile today and I have not smiled a lot lately.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

May the 4th be with you!

2014-05-04T10:29:00.001-07:00

Happy Star Wars day! May the 4th be with you all!!

~padme amidala and Master Anakin

Struggling with depression

2014-05-02T10:57:00.002-07:00

The last week has been one of the worst with my depression. Really struggling to get through it. I would give anything to feel "normal" again. The last few months have been such a challenge in regards to health issues and even being able to sleep normally. I had surgery in January (for a cyst on ovary and adhesions) and was put on several different meds which I had to withdraw from. I was put on pain medication, adivan and sleeping pills. This was to help me with post-op pain, anxiety and insomnia. I went off pain pills first. Then I went off adivan.

Going through benzo (from going off adivan cold turkey) withdrawal is horrible!!!! That was a true nightmare. It even put my life in danger from going off cold turkey. I had seizures and very bad experiences with that. That was a really, really BAD experience. I will never take another benzo drug ever again!!! I am off all the meds now though. I am proud of myself for going off the meds. It really affected my sleep and health though. It's been hard to recover from it all.

I went off sleeping pills 4 weeks ago. I can't seem to be able to sleep naturally on my own without some kind of aids. I need OTC meds or a few drinks to be able to fall asleep. I am finding it very frustrating. I didn't want to stay on the sleeping pills though. I was starting to build up a tolerance to them and didn't want to be on them forever.

My health issues are ongoing. I am still having dizzy spells and weakness. I feel shaky every day. My anxiety has been really bad. I live with chronic pain. Every day I wake up with aches and pains and something going on with my health. It's been a really long year with health issues. I have many regrets over my Hysterectomy (which I had last September) as it's changed so much in my life. I know that I needed it done but it really screwed up my hormones and health and have not been able to really recover from it. I really believed the Hysterectomy would make things better. I know many women who have had the surgery who are really glad they had it done. I really hate how it's changed me. I am going into menopause now and dealing with all kinds of symptoms from that.

I have a sensitive GI system. Am on a gluten-free diet now. Deal with tummy issues a lot. I have lost a significant amount of weight the last few months.

I really miss having a libido. I used to have a very high sex drive but that has gone away. I still have sex but it feels different since the Hysterectomy. I don't miss having periods but menopause brings on so many other challenges. I feel that this affected my sleep too. I never had too many issues with sleep before the Hysterectomy. I am wondering if I will ever be able to sleep without some kind of aids. It's frustrating. I am trying to find a way out of the depression but it's hard. How do you get through depression when it's at the worst? I went to counseling but not sure that really worked. Would prefer not to take antidepressants. Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with depression/anxiety naturally?

I think a lot of depression has come from so much loss. I miss my FIL deeply. We have lost so many people through the last few years. There are some friends that I have drifted apart from. I am not talking to my sister anymore. I have a few people left and cherish them a lot. I know that I have not been easy to be friends with or even in a relationship with. I am lucky to have a great Master who is there for me and been so incredibly supportive.

I miss playing and getting spanked and all those kinds of fun things. I find it depressing that we don't do that anymore. It's been hard enough to find time for sex most of the time though.

The one thing that keeps me going is Anakin and our kids. I just keep hoping that things will get better. It has been one thing after another. 2014 has been one of the hardest years of my life so far. The depression has been so bad and overwhelming lately. Some days I just try to hang on and get through it. My force has not felt very strong.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A quick update

2014-04-24T16:48:00.000-07:00

I wanted to update our blog and let people know that I am still around. I just haven't had much desire to blog. There hasn't been much kink, spankings or play time on the darkside. Anakin and I still have quickies. I still love my Hitachi and orgasms. But we haven't had much time to play. I have also had various health issues in the last few months. Right now I am trying to deal with a sinus/ear infection from a nasty cold. I would really like a break from it all. It's been a tough year so far.

Master Anakin and I are still doing great. We are a very strong couple. We celebrated our 10 year wedding/TPE anniversary recently. We are happy together and more in love than ever. I am very lucky to have such a great husband/Master. Our force is strong.

I hope to get back to blogging again. I have missed it. Our journey continues...

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

10 year wedding anniversary

2014-04-10T09:56:00.001-07:00

Today is my 10 year wedding anniversary to Master Anakin. It seems like yesterday we were exchanging our vows surrounded by our family and friends. We have been through a lot in our marriage and relationship. This last year has been really rough for us. We recently had our daughter in the hospital. She had to have emergency surgery to get her appendix removed. She is home safe now but needing a lot of care. So our date night for our anniversary will have to be pushed back to another time.

I love Anakin so much. The day of our wedding was very special for many reasons. I also became His TPE slave that night. We entered another phase of our relationship. It's been challenging to have that type of relationship but we have made it work. We are a very strong couple. He is my soul mate and the love of my life. I can't imagine my life without Him in it.

Our force is strong.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Our strong force

2014-04-01T10:00:00.003-07:00

It's hard to believe that on April 10th that it will be my ten year wedding anniversary to Master Anakin. Time flies! It feels like we have been through so much together. We have also been in our TPE (Total power exchange) relationship since we got married too. So it's a very special anniversary coming up for us. We are hoping to go out on a date and celebrate it.

A lot can happen in ten years. We have been challenged in so many different ways. We have lost a lot of our loved ones and faced some really tough times. This last year has been especially hard for us. The one year anniversary of my FIL's death is coming up. It breaks my heart to think about. Losing him has been very difficult. Then I faced several health issues this last year. I had to have a Hysterectomy and then a second surgery. I have been in and out of the hospital. I've had some serious medical issues to deal with. I've also had a lot of hormone changes which has lead up to a lot of depression. Some days are a struggle for me just to get through them.

I was telling Anakin the other night that I am not sure I could have made it this far without Him. His support and love has gotten me through some of the darkest moments. He has believed in me and given me reason to hope that things will get better. I am so grateful for Him and His love. I am so lucky to have someone in my life who is always there for me whether it's good times or bad.

Our force feels strong. I know that we will always be together no matter what happens in our lives. We are a strong couple that can make it through anything. As long as we have each other...

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Hanging in there

2014-03-21T11:24:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to post a quick update. I have missed blogging and a lot of the online world. I've been in survival mode most of the time just trying to get through the day. I've had a serious medical issue going on as well as some deep depression. I'm trying to deal with it all. I went to a therapist yesterday. Am trying to get help and to feel better. It's been an extremely rough few weeks.

I just realized that it's been six months since my Hysterectomy. Time sure flies. There has been so much that has happened since that surgery. I am still healing up from my second surgery and everything that has happened. I am really hoping that things start to get better soon.

I've been struggling with a lot of insomnia lately. Was happy to get a few hours of sleep last night. Also starting to have some menopausal symptoms. There has been a lot of changes happening in my life.

My force hasn't been very strong but hanging in there. Taking baby steps to move forward on my journey.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A very difficult time

2014-03-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

I have been going through an extremely difficult time the last few days. I am reluctant to get into what is going on in my blog or online though. Everything feels a bit too public. I apologize to those friends who I have not been keeping in touch with. I am trying to get some help with my issues and to deal with what is happening. I am going through a very serious health crisis. It has not been easy. I do hope to get back to the online world a lot more when things get sorted out.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

I enjoy a good spanking!

2014-02-26T08:53:00.001-08:00

It's been six weeks since my surgery that removed a cyst on my ovary and some scar tissues and repairs from my Hysterectomy. I was on a restriction with regards to sex/orgasms. I was able to have some naughty fun on Saturday night. We were able to have sex. It had been a long time since we were able to do that. It felt so good to be close to Anakin like that. He also gave me an orgasm with the Hitachi. I was a little bit sore but it was worth it. I was really glad to have some private time with Him.

He used the Hitachi on me and talked about spanking me. I really miss that aspect of our play. I can't remember the last time that He spanked me. It started to really turn me on as He rubbed the Hitachi on my clit and talked about how much He missed spanking my bottom. I came really hard thinking about it. I really hope that I will be feeling better soon that we can get back to playing again. I enjoy a good spanking!

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A rough journey

2014-02-22T15:39:00.001-08:00

This last week was a really rough one for me. I was in the hospital from Sat-Tues. My Doctor admitted me to the hospital when I arrived to my appointment in really rough shape. I was really, really sick. I hated being in the hospital but needed a bunch of tests run. I had a stomach scope, ultrasound, tons of blood work and a colonoscopy and other tests too.

I will find out the results of all the tests next week. The bowel specialist in the hospital suspects that I have celiac disease. I am not sure if I do but I decided to switch to a gluten free diet since leaving the hospital. I have lost a lot of weight and really struggled with my health this year. It has not been easy at all.

It was really tough being apart from Anakin and my kids for a few days. It was *really* rough being in the hospital in a tiny room and being sick. My mom came out to stay with us for the week. She helped out a lot and kept me company after I got out on the hospital. She just went home today. I was a bit afraid that we might start fighting but we got along pretty good. I was even a bit sad to see her go home today.

It's been hard to get back into real life again after being sick for so long. I was able to run some errands today and it wore me out. It's been almost 6 weeks since my surgery so I am able to have sex again if I want. I am hoping that might happen tonight. I am also hoping to have an orgasm. I honestly can't even remember the last time that I had one. It's been so long! I am not able to play yet but hoping in time that may happen again too. I'd really like to try to get back to normal again. It's been a really rough journey.

I hope to get back into blogging again too! I have missed the online world and my friends a lot too! Thank you for those who sent messages and support during my hospital stay. It really meant a lot to me!

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Happy Valentine's Day!

2014-02-14T09:16:00.003-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day from Master Anakin and padme amidala!!

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Hanging in there!

2014-02-11T12:12:00.002-08:00

I've been trying to hang in there. It's been a really rough few weeks since my surgery. I was in a lot of pain on Saturday night and had to take a strong pain pill. Some days are better than other ones. I'd like to eventually get off all pain meds but can't seem to do that. This surgery seemed a lot more painful to recover from than my Hysterectomy. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. My body and mind have gone through a lot of trauma.

I saw the bowel specialist last week. I am going in for a colonoscomy soon. I am also getting a tube in my stomach to see what's going on in there. I am also going to have an ultrasound of upper abdominal area. I am tired of going to Doctor's appointments. I just want to be feeling better. It really gets me frustrated and depressed having to deal with it all.

We found out some sad news too recently. Anakin's Uncle passed away from cancer.We got to visit him in the hospice before Christmas. I really liked him a lot. A truly great guy! We are going to miss him a lot! Cancer sucks!! We have had too much loss through the years.

Valentine's day is this Friday. I am truly grateful for Master Anakin. He's been taking such good care of me. I love Him so much! I hope we are able to do something nice for Valentine's day. It's been hard due to my recovery from surgery. It's been a very difficult time with my health issues. I don't know what I would do without Anakin. He's my strong Jedi. Always there for me.

I just hope that things will get better. Trying to have faith. The journey continues...

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Struggling and depressed

2014-02-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

Some days are much more difficult than other ones. Today feels like a very rough day. Struggling to get through my day. I have an appointment today with a bowel specialist. Would really prefer not to deal with it but should get some answers. I feel like I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) since my Hysterectomy. My Doctor thinks I have it too. So I will need to go to the appointment. Anakin will be home soon to take me to it.

I have been chatting with my good friend, jenpet today. Also had a chat with @Alias_Parker too on Viber. So glad to have my phone available so I can chat with friends and not feel alone. It has been a lifesaver for me. I am stuck on my couch and not able to do much of anything. Still recovering from surgery and a bladder infection. I am in pain and feeling weak and helpless. I feel needy. I feel deeply depressed.

I am starting to wonder if I am ever going to feel normal again. Will I ever have a good day again? The sun was shining today. I wanted to go outside but couldn't. It's hard for me to walk around. I know it will be hard to go to my appointment. Going out takes a lot out of me mentally and physically. I am having a hard time sleeping at night. I have nausea and don't want to eat. I am losing a lot of weight. I am struggling to stay alive.

I will admit that I have had some very dark thoughts lately. It's hard to try to get through my day. I tried talking to someone at mental health but didn't feel it helped much. They tried to get me to come into an appointment but that is hard to do. Going to appointments takes a lot out of me. I also don't drive so it's hard to get around.

I really, really, really wish that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could see something positive. I wish that I could feel joy again in my life. I feel like there is no end to the pain and suffering that I have been in lately. How does someone get through this? How do you hang on when you feel like you are barely keeping your head above the water?

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Struggling through a dark depression

2014-02-03T10:15:00.002-08:00

I have written a few blog posts about my health issues the last few weeks. It just seems to be one thing after another. I was feeling really bad on Friday and knew it was more than just recovery from surgery. Went to see a Doctor at medical clinic over the weekend. I have a bladder infection. He told me it's common to get a bladder infection after having a catheter put in during my surgery. Having a bladder infection sucks!

I'm on antibiotics. I always seem to get side effects from taking those. I am still healing up from my surgery. Some days are very difficult to get through. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this depressed. I have had some moments where I've considered checking myself into the hospital. I feel like the depression has taken over my life. I am exhausted and depressed and just trying to hang on.

Someone once described depression as being in quicksand and not being able to get out. That's how it feels right now. I want to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep hoping that one day I will feel better. It seems like I have not been able to have a good day since the end of December. I am in constant pain every day. I am not able to see much of a future. I feel like I have really lost myself. I miss having a life and having fun! I am struggling to get through a very dark depression.

2014 has been a really horrible year for me so far. I just really hope that things start to get better at some point. I am just trying to hold on and take it one day at a time.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala