Journey to THERE

Who will speak?

2011-02-07T15:06:00.004-05:00

As you all know I am working in LGBT activism. This means that I have to live my life in a manner that is transparent. A recent event lead me to step more into my role as a leader. Gay men typically have a really close female friend, some have multiple. During my freshman year of school i had two friends that I was very close to, on that I met there and one that i had known for 6 plus years. One day in my dorm we were watching at an episode of MTV's Made where they featured a gay male wanting to get into sports. While watching the show one of my friends felt comfortable enough to put out an anti-gay sentiment, I remember having this sinking feeling in the middle of my chest. At this point I hadn't "come out" to either of them (though they later told me they knew already). Well even though I wasn't "out" to either of them I found myself yelling at my friend out of pure anger, she of course later figured out why I was so bothered by the things she was saying. Last week I was faced with a similar event as an acquaintance feeling comfortable around me decided that she was going to refer to a more flamboyant male as a "queen." I corrected her and it all at once hit me, I have to do a better job of setting boundaries of what is acceptable behavior around me. Pass that point it showed me the internalized hate that both women and gay men posses. This young lady clearly learned this behavior from another one of her gay associates, gay men referring to more feminine men as a word referring to roles historically allotted to women is nothing new. The problem comes in using them in a derogatory manner, we have adopted the notion that feminine behavior is somehow beneath the behavior of a "man," and in our marginalized community we seek to push each other further away by discriminating against those that display behaviors that are less acceptable by those in mainstream society. I look at it like a pool of water, doesn't matter if you're deep in the end or shallow end, you're still in the water.No matter how well you can dress yourself up to seem more acceptable in mainstream society, the reality is you still dont share in their privileges. Gay men we must stop viewing men who are more feminine than we are a less than us. That is a direct insult to the women in our lives. To the ladies, don't adopt this behavior and find it okay. Adopting the beliefs of our oppressors only solidifies your seat in the margins. The issue I had most with the young lady is that she as a woman through her hateful language was saying out loud that she is less than a man. This behavior was again noted as celebrity Life & Relationship Coach Tony Gaskins tweeted about relationships stating "Ladies, if you feel it's OK for you to ask a man out first..Good luck with that! Not a classy look at all..IMO." Now this is misogyny, true, but what was really bothersome was the number of ladies replying to him, letting him know that their husbands pursued them first and then including the number of years that they have been married. Leading followers to believe that if a man pursues the woman first it leads to a longer relationship. In a more shocking tweet he states, "What many don't understand is that LOVE, & the Principles of Love DON'T change. It's the same in 2011 as 1950. Principles NEVER change.Some peoples Values change, but Principles remain the same." Principles don't change? We need to be very careful who we celebrate and look up to (celebrities), while I have great respect for Mr. Gaskins, this is incident has tainted that respect just a little. After these tweets a lot of my fellow progressive thinkers began to tweet Mr. Gaskins asking him about his tweets, he of course didn't respond to them, he compared himself to Jesus in one of his tweets and as one of my twitter friends(@iamMEchelle) stated, "I guess Tony Gaskins is too 'god like' to reply people who disagree with his opinion of reality." I thank any and everyone that is bold enough to stand up and speak out against language and behavior that is hateful and hurtful to others.

Special love to my girl Ruby Aliyy who sent this to me this morning:

"omg! I had a dream abt u last ngt. I was sitting around w/ a few ppl & having a convo abt y some gay men live straight lives (having a wife & kids & all that) b4 coming out. & some of us sounded real ignorant & u overheard us & started correcting EVERYTHING. & we all felt stupid but u had us captivated. & a crowd formed & it turned n2 a speech & u got a standing ovation afterwards. No lie."

People remember, don't stand by and watch your friends put out hateful and hurtful language. When you stand next to them you're covered in the same bad lighting.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
- Martin Luther King Jr.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

Speak No Evil

2011-01-09T19:43:00.008-05:00

Today I saw the above picture in my timeline on twitter, and most people were disturbed and out right disgusted by it. I did however receive a response that annoyed me a bit. This is the convo with "@Joski_LOVE" ......

them "see, thats wrong. 1st off thats butter & pecan... not light vs dark. but yeah, I feel your angst. LOL!!"

Me "not laughable at all but yea"

Them "[giggles] "

Me "still dont get the joke"

Them "I was being funny..cuz them heauxs are not models for light/dark they both light.

Me "still not funny, the topic is disgusting and making light out of it (no pun intended) adds to the sad situation of race here"

Them "whatever. things in life are never that damn serious. color will & always be an issue with the black community. period."

Me "I love that people will use the thought that a problem will always be around to support their ignorance.Race issues are ALWAYS serious, and will only remain if people neglect to take them serious instead of laughing at them."

Them "you look real stupid, if you can't laugh or find humor at even the most ignorant of things..."

Sadly its when you're finding entertainment in ignorance that you look completely stupid. Finding humor in this battle of superiority of complexion is ridiculous. This is a hurtful topic that has hindered lives of many, not just in the African American community but around the world. This conversation leads me to believe that people would rather poke fun at something they don't like to make it more tolerable than put in work to make a real change. As a person with a darker skin tone i find nothing amusing at all about this. Lend your voice to something greater than you, even if it doesn't cause change in your life personally remember like Dr. King Jr. said "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." So get in a place where you can be a voice for "liberty and justice for all"... in my heart i see no evil, speak no evil and will hear no evil that i will not speak out against.

Alter-Native Lifestyle

2010-12-12T09:46:00.003-05:00

"Words - a speech sound, or series of such sounds, having meaning as a unit of language, the written or printed representation of this" Simply put words are the things we use to describe thoughts, feelings and the intentions behind sharing those thoughts.

The boy has a dark complexion. That boy's complexion is so dark.

Words frame our thoughts.

This in mind the term alternative lifestyle rested in my SUPERconscious this morning. As i lay there my mind repeated the word alternative over and over again in my head until it naturally broke it down into:

Alter and Native.

Alternative Lifestyle, this is the politically correct way to refer to the LGBT community and the way we lead our lives right? Or at least that is what we're taught.

Native

Seems harmless, I mean to honor the first dwellers of America we call them Native Americans instead of the offensive term indians.

But take the term native, meaning natural, unchanged... and alter meaning to change...hmmm

Embracing the term alternative lifestyle would be embracing that who I am is not natural, that I wasn't born this way, that I somehow am corrupt or have made a decision to live my life in a way that goes against the person I was created to be.

We have to be aware to the titles that we take one, more importantly our word choices. Who determines what is natural? How have we the LGBTQA community become so comfortable with the demeaning term Alternative Lifestyle?

The only way i would embrace the term alternative lifestyle is if I one day decided to date women....just saying thats the only alternate to my natural state of being.

Disease not symptoms

2010-10-20T17:46:00.003-04:00

Recently Oprah has again taken on the issues of DL men and the reckless behavior that SOMETIMES come along with their lifestyle. Unfortunately while Ms. Winfrey's intentions MAY have been good she failed to report on the entire issue.

Its easy to believe that DL men, in particular DL black men, are insensitive thoughtless men who can't be "men" enough to admit who they really are. But that would be looking at the surface of the issue. You have to question what would make a man be DL, what would make them choose to take a wife and a male lover. A DL man in my opinion is one that knows of his attraction to males but can't embrace it openly or quietly, he feels he must live a heterosexual lifestyle to keep their image acceptable by those around them.

I know you might be thinking well why can't they just embrace who they are the way you have Chadd...

WELL....

I haven't always been comfortable with who I am, being raised in the black community where being gay isnt embraced I drilled with the concept that being gay was disgusting, that it made you less than worthy of love and that the family I loved would have nothing to do with a homosexual family member.

I specifically remember being told things like

"Go play with the boys, you don't want to be a punk."

"I won't have no faggots sitting on my couch."

"Faggots are a disgrace to family."

Just to list a few. So the concept of telling my family that I was gay was a no go, I'd much rather get a girl pregnant while in middle school than tell them that I was gay. As I addressed my orientation I chose to do so in secret. But that secret wouldn't last long, I was pulled out of the closet by an aunt and drug right into the church.

Now anyone that knows anything about the black baptist church you know that anywhere outside of the choir, any sign of you being gay is not the thing to be displayed. Once I was pulled out of the closet my youth pastor began a series of lessons on how to pray the gay out of me, and my parents decided to start weekly bible readings, all of the lessons spoke on the abomination that homosexuality is or being obedient to your parent. To top this my senior pastor had just published a book on dl men (of course I won't advertise such a book) and how to point out their behavior and why they are such a disgrace to our society.

Now here I was in high school, attempting pray my gay away, after all, I didn't want to lose my family and be sent to hell to burn for all eternity. So I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more. Made every attempt to be straight, meanwhile I'm being drilled with questions from my parents "Well did someone touch you?" or "Why don't you just get a girlfriend?"

A HA!

Was this going to be the thing that gave me peace? It was worth a shot, so I got a girlfriend (yea I just laughed a little) needless to say that was short lived and so was the peace at home. Mom tried to be encouraging buying me every book she could find on being delivered from this "demon" and giving me cards with all sorts of of scripture and quotes written in them. She was serious y'all! All the while no one asked me how I felt about what I was going through, all they knew was that it was wrong and had to be changed.

Growing impatient with the would be miracle of my deliverance my mother and step father resulted to anger and name calling, which made me go into further hiding with my identity. I guess for the second time i was "dl" again. So I played straight on the surface and was gay in secret. Hey I was in survival mode, I had to make the best with what I had until I at least got to college. OH! COLLEGE! LOL! There was no way that my parents were paying for a gay child to go to college, believe me I know, they told me several times.

I went into grind mode, I had to find every scholarship that I could find so that I could go to college free of my parents' wallets. As college neared it seemed that going to college without my parents' support was a pipe dream. I spiraled into a darker place than I was in before. After failed suicide attempts, teachers who refused to let me fail, and a military recruiter who told me the military wasn't for me, I finally got a scholarship that would supplement the money I received from the state to go to school.

FREEDOM!

But wait how do I end this relationship with my parents? That was the only way that I could be who I am with no grief with them. Well needless to say me coming out again in undergrad didn't fly over well, but what was different now was I had no dependency on them and I had surrounded myself with those that love me for who I was.

Love

Thats the point of it all. We must love our youth and let them know that they are worthy of love and respect just because they breathe. SO OPRAH and others, when you see a DL man, don't just think of who he is today, keep in mind that just like there are experiences that have molded you to be the person you are today, that there are issues within that man that have cause him to be who he is. Not excusing him though, he should deal with his past and heal from it in a healthy manner, but just thought that the full issues should be addressed. Double life style is a symptom of the disease of hate that has been poured into them....JUST MY THOUGHTS!

Get

2010-10-08T18:08:00.003-04:00

Get knowledge or get lost
No im not telling you to leave
Im simply telling you to fill ya brain
Fill it or it be barren as if its been diseased

Dont be considered zombie
no not the ones from the movies cause they know they've met their demise
Im speaking of the truly scary type
The ones floating through life thinking they're alive

Get knowledge or get lost my friend
the world's secrets all dwell in books
leaders have you confused and bewildered
knowing you will feel weird cause the buddies told you not to take a look

But see somewhere over the rainbow lies a land of greatness
The road map to this to this oasis is available for all to see
but get knowledge or get lost my friend
This map requires you to read.

Greatness is yours if you choose it
Are you willing to put out what it cost
There are no shortcuts to greatness
So get knowledge or get lost

GET IT?

Natural Selection

2010-09-29T20:10:00.004-04:00

This month we have lost 4 (scratch that, its actually 9) young men as a result of gay bashing. When reading their stories I cried and cried and my heart screamed out to these young men. You see most don't know but when I was pulled out the my senior year of high school my life was thrown into a whirlwind. My parents became physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally and even spiritually abusive. My college career, family structure, self worth and stability were threatened. I clearly recall washing dishes hand and arms in the sink of hot water full of knives thinking that surely I deserve to be free from this place and I could end it all with a slit of my wrist. Luckily I failed at suicide and I had two teachers (Dr.Kathy Garland and Dr. Susan Archer) that refuse to see me be fed to the wolves and became permanent fixtures in my progress and stayed on me to ensure I graduated and entered college. Unfortunately not everyone is afforded the benefit of having teachers like I had. Today someone posted to my FB that this is some type of "natural selection" weeding out the weak people. When asked about creating a safe zone in the class room recently a teacher told me that we didn't speak on those type issue here in the south. WELL, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T SPEAK ON IT?
Billy Lucas (15) September 9, 2010. Indiana

Cody J. Barker (17) September 13, 2010. Wisconsin

Seth Walsh (13) September 19, 2010. California

Tyler Clementi (18) September 22, 2010. New Jersey

Asher Brown (13) September 23, 2010. Texas

Harrison Chase Brown (15) September, 25 2010. Colorado

Raymond Chase (19) September 29, 2010. Rhode Island

Felix Sacco (17) September 29, 2010. Massachusetts

Caleb Nolt (14) September 30, 2010. Indiana

Lives gone! Stop the bullying!

REST IN LOVE GUYS! I'M FIGHTING HARD TO ENSURE YOUR STRUGGLES WON'T BE IN VAIN

I'm Ready

2010-09-25T17:38:00.008-04:00

Just thought I would take the time to share with you all an experience that has given me great joy. Those that follow my writings know that I have an amazing life coach (@MyLifeKeys) by the name of Stephanie Alva (@Stephanie_Alva), well Step never hesitates to tell me that I am destined to do great things and that my story will help the masses. It took me a while to subscribe to the notion that I, the smart, aggressive, critical thinker would be able to nurture the growth of others. Well as I work with Stephanie she makes me take good long hard looks in the mirror, and no not in the "beat em over the head, fix yourself manner" she has helped me develop a love for self that is unshakable.

What does that have to do with nurturing others you might ask?

Well what I've learned is that before you can love anyone else you must love yourself, know yourself and embrace yourself. Once you love yourself it allows you to explore your gifts and talents and allows you to develop those talents and become confident in them.

Stephanie...... #PAUSE

I was greatly privileged to befriend a wonderful guy and author named Travis Scott (@Trav_WORDSMITH) who gave my life a bit of normalcy. You see being a thinking guy I have at times felt different, set aside and misunderstood, but now, now I have Travis. Travis gets "it," understands that life is meant to be explored and enjoyed. Because of this we've developed quite the bond, he calls me his Sweet Pea, I call him my FOY (Fountain of Youth) I won't spill his age but understand that age is why he's been given that name. Any who, during one of our day long convo's FOY me to the Artist Miguel Jontel, love when I tell you I fell in for his music!!!! WHEW! Well two weeks later when FOY tells me to check out Avery Sunshine (@AverySunshine) I don't hesitate to find her music and I fall in again and immediately find her on twitter.

Now let me show you how awesome God is...

As I look over Ms. Sunshine's timeline (oh don't act like you don't do it) I see her tweet about a performance here in town the next day...I of course go crazy and I tweet her, she tweets back asking me if I'm coming to the performance, and you know I was going. So FOY and I make our plans and the next day comes and we're headed downtown, now check this, one site said doors open at 8 and another said her set was due to start around 10. Well FOY and I decide to go and get some food before the show, during FOY and I enjoy amazing convo about everything from religion to politics and during the convo FOY says that he could see me working in a career where im nurturing people's growth (OK so two people that I love and that don't know each other are telling me the same thing) and I of course agreed. We leave the restaurant ready to vibe to this velvet smooth voice! Little did we know that we would lost driving in circles for a good 15-20 minutes and I won't even mention parking downtown on a Friday night.

We arrive...

Walk in and just as if God himself ushered us in we arrive just before Ms. Sunshine takes the mic.

She ministers...
Ms. Sunshine is sanging! No not singing, but making sweet love to the notes and words making sure she caressed each one and wrapped it in love and sent it to each of us personally. She vibes, invited the audience to join her in this vibe and we are swaying, bouncing, shouting heck out right dancing and this AMAZING voice and heart. FOY and I can barely contain ourselves slapping each other on the shoulders and knees... COME ON AVERY SANG! WHHHEEEEW! YES MA'AM! AND THEN... she speaks and God occupies her heart and her mind and she lets us know that we should be living our dreams, operating within our gifts and not just surviving.

Now wait...

I have two friends telling me I need to be helping folk, now this heavenly being is telling me to walk in my gifts... this is becoming surreal I mean someone please play the "Twilight Zone" theme song... this ain't natural. So I thought.

Ms. Avery gets up and I turn to FOY and i say "I just want to hug her."

So we approach...

She smiles thanks us for coming and I say in her ear, I told you I was coming.

She pauses...

"CB-cal? "

YES!!!! Fireworks, not only did this great spirit just minister to my soul she remember our twitter conversation, then she and FOY converse...

"JUSTTAV?"

OMG THIS WOMAN IS AMAZING! I learned in that moment that she doesn't want to just know about her fans she want her spirit and mind to commune with her fans!

My spirit was full! FOY and I could barely make convo on the way home..stuck in awe we rode home.

When I got in last night I called Stephanie and told her what happened and I could here the "I TOLD YOU SO" in her voice lol but I wasn't mad at it, I embraced it. God was speaking and I had to listen. I went into meditation and when I came back to earth I jumped on twitter and twittascope was filling my timeline, I jokingly click the Capricorn link and this is what I read:

"You may be driven to succeed now, but this isn't just about today's transit. Powerful Pluto is a long-term visitor to your sign, yet a square from the illuminating Sun can stir up fears about possibly failing. Instead of falling victim to self-doubt and worry, apply your energy toward being successful while remembering that this isn't an isolated event, but part of a much greater transition."

NOW THAT WAS ENOUGH MAKE ME WELL UP! Now as i sit and I take this in, I have no choice but to say I'M READY! Are you?

Oh and cause I love y'all imma link y'all to Ms. Sunshine, please check her out and support this great woman!

Au revoir mon amour

2010-09-20T17:10:00.007-04:00

One should never apologize or feel bad for releasing someone to their better good. The truth is in this love game you will only win once and that is till death do you part. What does that mean? That means there is only one person who has been created for you, and you will have to date a while until you come across them. No your dating will not be in vain, each relationship teaches you lessons about yourself and shows you what things you will and will not tolerate. Basically life is fine tuning your frequency so that you and the one you're meant to be with can be on the same note and flow into each other's life.

Let life do it's job.

In my dating past I've found myself dating a rainbow of guys, some highly educated, some not, some with power careers and others working in retail. I dated those with beautiful personalities and some of the most physically appealing guys you would want to see. In each failed relationship there was one common denominator.....

ME!

I determined that with each guy even in their differences they were overall the same, just in a different suit, that suit was one of lacking, lacking in common value. Value is extremely important, you see certain issues are inevitable in relationships, to mitigate damage sharing common values is extremely important. Sharing values will make approaching life's issues a lot easier because you live life on one accord.

Values....

When thinking on values one has to get past the physical things like looks, job, education, money... you know lifestyle entities... are those things important? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't even think I would lead you to believe anything otherwise, but for a moment come with me if you will... You have your man or woman and they have all of the lifestyle items you say you like and you're head over heels, ready to put on a ring, well what happens when they cheat? When they lie about where they where and what they were doing and doing it with? Oh now you're saying "(S)He's not the man/woman I married!" But sweets I'm here to tell you, (s)he is exactly the man/woman you married you just never took the time to learn his/her mind. You were so focused on dating his/her resume that you lost touch with who the man/woman was. Take time to figure out what it is that you value and and when you start dating be sure that if you decide to go further with this person that they share your values. More importantly before you start dating be sure the YOU live up to those values, stop wanting a lover who will give you the world when you wouldn't share even your thoughts with them.

Take time to get to know you...

If a relationship doesn't work out the absolute worse thing you can do is let you ex rob you of the desire to love again. Once you have gone on in life, release your past, learn from it and let it go. Thank the heavens for the experiences and ask that they not be in vain and move forward in life. Would you buy damaged good from the store? No? Well why would you expect your next mate to want a bitter, scarred heart?

GAME PLAN:

Know what you want, be what you want, learn from and release your past, and get back in the game!

Oh and always remember... Communicate in all things and in all things communicate, after all, it is the language of adults!

Be ready to tell your lover, as Corinne Bailey Rae says it, "The blackest lily, the blackest pony, won't protect my heart from you."

Question

2010-09-20T13:31:00.003-04:00

who dictates what's acceptable amongst Christians when speaking on things that go against the teachings of the bible?

After a session with the great Stephanie Alva this question came to mind. Society and religion have created homosexuality into a mega sin it seems, which I find very amusing. People tend to not want to embrace homosexuals because it goes against their teachings, some don't even want them in their homes as if somehow their home will catch the gay. Think for a moment though, would you not allow a Buddhist or a Muslim in your home? Do they not lead lives that go against the teachings of the Bible? Would you think twice before going to lunch with them? Would you end your friendship if you found out they practice a religion that they felt was the true religion? Why is it okay then for them to be in your company comfortably? Would you try to pray Islam out of them? Is it okay because they worship a god even though it isn't yours? Might want to check your ten commandments. Just thoughts, thoughts is all!

iStand

2010-08-31T00:18:00.002-04:00

I tend to find it pleasing
That you love to count me out
That you can't get
The greatness that life is bringing about
That you don't comprehend how i push forward
With no worry or doubt
iStand

You see i no longer take for granted
That i was given legs to rise
Wings to fly
A heart that beats so strong I met you face to face
Though you would love to see my demise
iStand

Since I don't look outward for validation
Don't need no comfort from civilization
I am love I give love I breath love
Cause Im made from love the father of all creation
iStand

Choosing purpose over pain
greatness over mundane
Understand that if I don't make the first step
Things will always be the same
iStand

is it is or is it ain't

2010-08-30T18:52:00.004-04:00

I love you
I hate you
I hate that I love you
I would love nothing more than to be able to hate you
I LOVE YOU
Does one ever stop loving someone?
Is love infinite with a definite direction?
Can one that hurts your heart beyond measure still be deserving of your love?
Is there any type of love that isn't pure?
If not aren't terms like true love or pure love redundant?
I LOVE YOU
Can love heal anything?
Is love like an emotional super fruit for the soul?
Can someone love you and still absentmindedly cause you pain?
Can one be logical with love?
Does love make sense?
What is love?
I LOVE YOU
Can one love you without first loving themselves?
If one stays in a "bad" situation with love being an excuse actually love themselves?
Can you truly love the next without taking a break after loving the ex?
If you have pure hate in your heart can you truly love anyone or anything?
I LOVE YOU, or do I?
Wait is it okay to question love?
Hmm not sure but I do know that loving you is giving you the complete ability to destroy me and trusting you not to do it. I hate that i can't see the future and know whether or not this investment is a good one. But then this would no longer require trust then huh? Its a gamble, a card game...lets hope we have hands full of hearts, no spades.
LOVE

Super Hero

2010-08-21T20:27:00.000-04:00

Recently I was afforded the opportunity to get an honest point of view from two people who I have a high level of respect for. If you have ever experienced this from someone who truly loves and respects you unconditionally then you understand the wonderful experience it can be. Well one of the people my younger bro explained to me that he had a great deal of respect for me and my strength, the other my mentor and life coach brought to my attention my disconnect between myself and the concept of deserving love.

Self…………………………………………Strength……………………………………………………deserving love

The thought that one can be disconnected from feeling worthy of love seems so unnatural yet is so common place in our society. You think of all the times someone tells someone they aren’t worthy, that they will never do anything or be anything in life, think of anytime you’ve seen someone’s accomplishments brushed off or laughed off. Each time this happens and message is sent to the soul that you aren’t worthy, that you aren’t good enough, essentially that you aren’t deserving of love.

After a period of listening to this one becomes conditioned to believe that they and love are not meant to occupy the same space. Look at it like this, take a child raised by vegetarian parents, while it might not seem to most kids to be presented a meal where no meat was involved, but to the child who has been conditioned to not consume meat it seems perfectly natural.

....it seems perfectly natural

Natural, a thought that seems universal but... I subscribe to the concept of it being relative to experience. I for one find it natural to push love away, after a childhood of hatred being thrown like daggers and not wanting to feel that pain again I tend to push people away so that they don't have the opportunity to to cause that type of pain. You see I didn't trust people and their "love" as a real because the love that was supposed to be "natural" wasn't a love that i wanted to experience.

Push...

To protect myself i would push people and things away. When issues came up I would dive head first into myself and work, not really giving time or opportunity to process any emotions that came attached to the issue,no, my mindset was to fix it and move on. So to the outside world it appeared to be strength, but all the while it was actually denial, denial that I was supposed to be human and feel things, I pretended to be super human and attempted to move forward not noting that each unresolved issues carried with them a ball and chain holding me back.

Ironically true strength didn't show it's face until I decided to detach the ball and chain and deal with what was at hand. Stay tuned as I train and develop my Super Hero strength.

Too be continued...

Why are you apologizing?

2010-08-20T20:35:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed that we (the gays) are apologizing for simply being? Don't understand? Let me explain, you meet someone that is heterosexual and you somehow or another find yourself letting that person know that you're gay. Why do we do this? Personally I believe we do this to give the person the opportunity to either embrace us or let us know that they aren't pleased in out lifestyle. Of course we do this because we have been conditioned to believe that society, especially males, are not too comfortable with accepting our community. We typically feel more comfortable around females in that they more times than not cling to us, thrilled at the chance of gaining a personal stylist, beautician, make-up artist, interior decorator or overall hang out buddy that isn't trying push up on them in a sexual manner.

Now why do I write any of this?

Well today while speaking with my life coaches from My Life Keys,Stephanie Alva and Tavaghn Monts I was speaking on a lot of the issues that I face as a homosexual and after the conversation my thought process went along the lines of "I wonder how comfortable Tavaghn was while I was speaking..." then it hit me, as I'm learning about energies and what you put out is what you receive I noted that we assume that the person we met is judging us and all the while we're judging not letting them show us that they don't subscribe to the ignorant small minded notions of society. Basically we have to believe that we are worthy enough to be ourselves around all people without being judged.

Know that you are good enough, as you are, today! I am an amazing spirit that all walks of life enjoy being around. Be sure to check out My Life Keys at www.mylifekeys.com

Random thoughts on Vision! Expect a Miracle!

2009-11-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

Hello world,
Today I was encouraged to write! This time of year is always a special one, laughter, love giving, what more can you ask for? Well this year is a little different, having lost a loving aunt, relationship not going the way I would have wanted and out growing friends it would be easy for me to slip into the holiday blues, BUT, even still I recognize fully how blessed I am!

It’s amazing how we go through things and we can’t for the life of us figure out what God is doing in our lives until one day you sit and you think, if God would have allowed me to stay in the same position that I was in before where would I be now. SCARY THOUGHT! I love how the Lord will open your eyes to things that have been sitting in front of you the entire time, and that vision is more powerful than you could ever imagine.

**side note** This is something I’m working on more and more each day! People don’t do things out of anger! Nothing you do to cause arm or anguish intentionally or not will ever grow! If it’s not to encourage growth and development in a person why are you wasting your life? There are no refunds on time! Forgive me if I've done this to you.

Ok so yea where was I? Oh yea vision, have you ever noticed that the sun seems a lil bit brighter after it’s been cloudy for a while? I thank the Lord that he's allowed me to see my future and where He's taking me a lil more clearer, and even more I love that he won’t let anyone even ME get in the way for His plan for my life!

I too am grateful for the people I have in my network, like minded people with the common goal to love hard, do right by people and better their future by bettering themselves! A lot of the people that have been escorted out of my life were made to leave because there was no fire in the system! What makes you happy, what gets you up out of bed every day to stay on your grind? How are you being a blessing to someone? Each of my friends is living their lives in a way that encourages me to do better! Not saying they're perfect but they are walking perfectly to an imperfect beat! Love that we can go from talking about what song we like to talking about what going on in the world! Broaden your scope people. Also, chose happiness! Life is for the living, if you don’t find joy in something in ur life u need to go back to the drawing board!

**side note** Joy, joy isn't living in a perfect situation but knowing that despite your situation we know and understand we serve a perfect God who will guide us through the dark and stormy nights! Not the absence of trouble, the recognition that there are better things to think on and be consumed with than your troubles!

Any who, yesterday in church I was reminded to always be expecting your miracle, I think we sometimes will pray for something and we halfway rest on faith! It’s like we have one foot standing on the water and the other still on the boat afraid to step out! We must remember that we serve a God who works in miracles, signs and wonders! This is what He does! How insulted would you be if you were at work and someone didn't trust your ability to do the job you've been hired to do?

Ok I think my tangent is done for the moment lol

Oh one last thing! SPEAK IT! The power over life and death lies in your tongue! Encourage yourself! Don’t depend on man to do it, man will always fail you! And yes God knows your innermost thoughts but sometimes you should speak you thanks!

Peace Prosperity & Passion

Embarking on lonely

2009-11-08T17:28:00.000-05:00

The state of being lonely is a strange concept. Mainly in that in most situations its an oxymoron of sorts. Most people are never truly alone physically in life but mentally the loneliness can at times be overwhelming. I woke up this morning with a heavy mind and heart. It seems that i have become a stranger amongst those who are so familiar. I have distanced myself from people with whom i have spent an unimaginable amount of time with. It struck me when my "friend" wrote me a text message asking why i didn't call him on his birthday, no that's not the bad part, the bad part is that once i read the text i did a Kanye West shrug and kept on with my day. Lately I have been growing mentally, spiritually, and withing my career. UGH! i think some my friends are like an old t-shirt, its really is faded and doesn't fit but u just cant throw it away! #packrat! SAD I KNOW! Bitter sweet, im growing and I'm gaining life experience and associates that are motivating to say the least, but unfortunately i now have to cut off those who aren't preparing themselves for any type of future. OH! and to the ones who are trying to block my grind i really suggest you move before you meet the bulldozer that is me!

Music vs Noise

2009-10-13T12:08:00.000-04:00

What do we consider true music in this day where music every you could imagine, tv, computer, phone, heck you can even get tunes on you tooth brush lol. In a discussion with a high school classmate we tackled this issue.

I asked him what made him identify with a certain "artist" and he mentioned Gucci Mane and how he raps about his childhood and being raised poor. Now in my mind I see nothing wrong with a person rapping about their past, but, I would rather listen to an artist who makes it their goal to make music to reach an audience with a message or is it to make money or popularity?

Give me a rapper who will rap about how he made it out of the hood over one who raps about how hard he is cause he lived in the hood even though he now lives in the suburbs.

It seems that mainstream music will always be about getting a hit that will make people shake their assess in the club or make lil suburban kids feel like thugs when they ride down the street banging their rap music. Don't get me wrong i enjoy dancing to hot music just like the next but as far as what i will be playing on my ipod, that will be music that makes me think and inspires me to get through the day.

Music isn't music to me unless it serves a purpose and has a message! Kinda like convo, if there is no point to it then Why?

Currently im playing Kid Cuddi's "Man On The Moon: The End of Day"
Current track "Soundtrack 2 my Life"

Do You See What I See?

2009-10-13T10:37:00.000-04:00

Hidden in secret passages of life lives a young mind battered by the trial of time and life and not sure of what direction to propel the energy harnessed in the straps of fear. Traveling amongst uncharted stars, head way above the clouds mapping skies mentally unvisited, unable to escape bondage of fear thoughts flood the mind, what do you do when your dreams are in plain view, you believe in them but not sure if they believe in you?

Is it inconceivable that a mind aesthetically sound be crippled by the mystery of what could and might not be.

Funny, i started this posting on 10/13/09 and I couldn't find the words to complete it.

Here goes, nearly a year later and the journey has progressed... It's amazing what others see in us and we ourselves fail to see. What if I told you that you are capable of greatness? What if I said that the only thing in between you and your destiny is the limiting force you've placed on your life? Could you subscribe to such a notion? If I asked you to sit and have a conversation with yourself about what things are scaring you to the point of inactivity how comfortable would you be with doing it?

We're never taught to get to know ourselves, where we truly want to go and life and what it takes to get there. Yes, we're asked, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" But prior to that we should be asked, what kind of person do you want to be in life? What type of legacy do you want to leave behind?

On this continual journey I've been afforded the opportunity to meet some interesting people, some left great jewels of knowledge and other left scarring reminders, but both taught lessons that can't be priced. While learning these lessons I learned more and more about me and ended up learning that I never took the time to figure out who Chaddrian wanted to be or how he wanted to get there. As I took the time to figure out the things within me it drastically changed the manner in which I dealt with others. Getting to know myself and essentially falling in love with myself allowed me to become aware of my value.

...Value....

Value is essential, once you view yourself as valuable anything is possible! Finding true love, getting that dream job, even being yourself OUT LOUD!

I encourage everyone to take a little time to get to know themselves, stare in the mirror, get familiar with what you see, sit in a dark silent room, get familiar with your thoughts, and write out the desires of your heart as if they have already happened, get familiar with your goals.

As for now and the rest of my life, I'm no longer afraid of the unknown, I operate in positivity and perspective and as @JTwitty on twitter says "Dreams DO come True! Imagination is Everything... It's as simple as ABC #AskBelieveCreate... GO!"

Looking forward to my further growth, no going backwards! I've deactivated the reverse in this ride!

yes or no? on or off?

2009-09-30T01:38:00.000-04:00

When thinking about what thoughts I would get out of my mind and into words many things came to mind. Would i write on gay-marriage, equality, health care, possibly love being predestined or by chance? But I'll save those for another time, here goes.

I chose this topic by the picture above, i really wanted to write a piece on the black gay males desire to create an image of themselves as over the top flashy beings and came across this image and my mind went crazy. Homosexuality. A choice? Genetics? Life experiences?

Of course most wont agree with one another on this topic but my thoughts on it are quite simple, who would choose to be gay? I didn't prior to my birth go to God and ask, "Father can i please be gay?! I would love to be stereotyped, treated with open and hidden hatred from family and enemies alike. Oh and if you can add in there unequal rights I would very happy! I mean who wouldn't want to a nice fight to have basic rights?" The thought sounds a bit absurd right? I mean you don't pick out your sexuality like you pick out a shirt from your closet.

Don't get me wrong I love who I am and by no means am I ashamed of who I am, but to think that I made some kind of choice in this ordeal is crazy. Now I understand that some may not understand even still so let me put this light on it, put yourself in the position of your ancestors, Do you think that when our people were considered less than human and unworthy of equal rights(go figure)were walking around thinking, "Hmm I don't have equal rights and I'm treated like an animal, I'm so happy I chose to be black." LOL FUNNY I KNOW! There is no internal switch that I have to change my sexuality, trust me if there were I would have done some type of surgery years ago.

Now whether its came from genetics or life experiences I cant say, I personally have never been raped or touched inappropriately and also I'm not sure of any traits in my family that would have lead me to be gay but either way all that we are both by genetics and experiences was,in my beliefs, organized in a master plan to get us where we're supposed to be in life. After all genetics made u black, the experience of slavery and the civil-rights movement made our people strong, but just imagine what life would have been if our ancestors were truly given the choice of being black, yes or no?

We don't choose the things that make us up, we don't know where we're supposed to be in life and takes most of us a lifetime to figure out how to get there. When looking a person don't make assumptions about them or judge them based on things that the can't control. How easy life would be if we had simple decisions to control everything, on or off?

Bleeding Love

2009-09-30T01:14:00.000-04:00

A boy sits in the face of a familiar stranger,

Enduring verbal punches placing his mental and emotional state in danger.

Confused by the source of this hate as if the sun had somehow generated rain,

His mother spits out daggers of hate causing him great pain, she screams with great veracity,

“There will be no faggots in here,

And I knew you needed a man in your life but your sorry ass dad refused to be there.

And I told you not to play with dolls,

And I made you play football,

And I always wondered if those where really your ‘homies’ when those boys used to call.

See son I don’t think you understand,

There is no way I will ever accept my son sleeping with another man!

And if at birth I knew this is who you were adoption would have been my choice,

And now that I think about it you always did have a twang in your voice.

And you didn’t walk you pranced,

And there were no girlfriends no teenage romance.

I just can’t figure out where I went wrong,

But I should have assumed as much, the way you stood in the choir stand singing those songs.

But an end will be put to your disgusting disgrace,

But until we meet with the pastor tomorrow my suggestion is for you to get out my face.”

So the son sits alone in his room,

Seeming to be a dungeon holding sorrow and gloom.

Thinking to himself wondering if he’ll ever wake from this night mare,

As wild thoughts fill his mind the young man just blankly stares.

He pulls out a pad and he begins to write out the sentiments of his mind,

And once he has written out he thoughts he hopes it is peace that he finds.

He reaches in between his mattresses and he grabs the blade he had placed there long before

One of those times like this when he felt life wasn’t worth living anymore.

His hands tremble and shake because he’s scared,

But he musters the strength this time he will say goodbye he is prepared.

He slices into his flesh with each rip he feels more free,

Free from the pain and tears caused by the hated of humanity.

And just as life leaves his body,

He whispers, “Mother I’m sorry I’m not the man you would have had me be.”

The next morning the mother wakes to a strangely quiet house,

A house that is normally amplified with the sound of her son’s mouth.

She just assumes that he is upset about yesterday's talk,

Plans to apologize cook him breakfast and suggest a walk.

As she opens her son’s door she lets out a shriek,

There in blood drenched carpet lays her son’s body on the floor.

Next to his body lays a pad with a letter addressed to her,

“Dear mother,

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be a better source of pride in your life,

But asking me to be straight is as absurd as me asking you to take a wife.

I would hate for you at my expense to look at me with hatred in your eyes,

And if only to relieve you of that pain I’d rather a morgue be where my body will lie.

So with this I bid you my final goodbye.

Love your
son,
Today Tomorrow and Forever

Being single

2009-07-07T11:27:00.001-04:00

My last break up was one that was surprising and foreseeable all at the same time. What i mean by that is simply that all the red flags were there but some how i thought love would get us through! Needless to say it just wasn't enough!When my ex told me at the beginning of our relationship that he had a bad attitude i laughed it off thinking that no one could have a "tude" that out did mine, when he threw his temper tantrums with family and friends because he didn't get his way I ignored them, after all it was geared towards me, and it was in that mistake that our relationship began to end.

Our relationships like all had their issues, and when the bothered me i addressed them and we worked through them for the most part, but the issue we didn't help each other grow. See i should have still brought to my ex's attention the weakness that he displayed in his tantrum even if they weren't done to or around me, by helping him grow i would have in turn helped us grow. Now don't get me wrong i don't at all blame myself for the things that he did but rather am owning my part in the actions leading to our split. You see while i didn't throw the tantrums i did indeed make him comfortable throwing them, that is until he pointed that anger arrow my way.

What i learned through experiencing my ex is that people with extreme anger issues are victims of life, nothing is there fault and simply because something isn't going the way they want it to go the world around them must pay and due to the lack of self control they lash out in different ways ( verbally in the case of my ex, no he never put his hands on me or anyone that i know of). Until a victim understand that they are the captain of their ship and can indeed become a victor there is little to no chance of getting through to them.

Once i understood this i took it upon myself to choose happiness, no longer would i sit angry or cry or have my friends be the crutch to my pity party with my unhappiness being the theme, YES YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE HAPPINESS AND CREATE IT, IT WILL NOT JUST COME TO YOU!

I then had to formulate my exit plan, it would be a fantasy to think that this would be an easy ordeal to just walk away from, i had to learn for myself that i was and am worthy of happiness and that that happiness will be mine with or with out him. So from there i laid out my demands, we can; 1. fix our problems through better communication skills, 2. become friends where we can still grow and respect one another or 3. cut out losses and move ahead in life. He asked me if i wanted to just end this, and I in my thinking manner understood that this is just what he would want, for me to end things with no input from him so he could again spaz out because the world (well me in this case) was again out to get him. I in turn told him that i didn't get in this relationship alone so i wasn't going to end it alone. He of course accused me of leaving him for another man, not understanding that this was about no one but me!

Time went on and at this point we were barely communicating through text message, well i ended up catching him in a lie and we were discussing it and his anger of being caught caused him to spaz out again and at that point my answer was clear as to where our relationship would be in the future and that is in the imagination of anyone who wants it to exist.

Now that im I'm in a healthy relationship I understand even more now that you cant find happiness in anyone else, you create it within yourself and then you can share it with others!

LOL forgive my rant just needed to get that out of my head.

Friendship

2009-06-16T21:13:00.000-04:00

I have some of the best Friendmily(friends + family) in the world! Though recently life has saw fit to reveal to me that some people who I gave that title to were not fitting for it. I was a little confused and down about it for a while then as I lay in bed one night it was as if God Himself peeled open my eyelids to the lesson He was teaching me. So I began to prune the tree named Chadd, lover, cut, a couple new associates, cut, a few life long friends, cut! Now it seems that life moves with such fluidity! We really have to understand that having people in your life is no good if they're no good for you. Being alone does not constitute lonliness it often means you are all in one, standing complete on your own! No one can complete you they can only compliment or complicate you! I love MOST of the people that have come in and out of my life, but the thing about love is sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go.People also, since when did the quantity of conversaions dictate the quality of your friendship? Reason, Season, Lifetime....which one do you identify with?