On the other hand, people often assume that preacher and his family have many *close* friends.  More often than not, such is not the case.  In fact, the complete opposite is more likely to be true.  Many preachers’ wives actually feel very lonely and have few true, close friends, particularly in the congregation at which they are members. Why is that so? There are various reasons.

• Developing close friendships in the local congregation can create jealousy in some of the other women who are not included in that close relationship. It is natural to feel closer to some people than others, due to common interests, age, etc., but showing partiality or favoritism is asking for trouble.  Immature Christian women have been known to try draw the preacher’s wife into their click, or will attempt to manipulate her so that she will take “their” side in a controversy.

• The preacher’s wife is sometimes looked at through a magnifying glass, also known as the glass house syndrome.  Whether it be how she dresses, how she keeps her house, how she trains her children, it seems there is always some one who is not satisfied.  One can hardly let down their guard if she feels she is constantly being scrutinized.

• Sometimes people are intimidated by the preacher and his wife.  They place the preacher and his wife on a tall pedestal, as if they have perfected life and how to live it.  They fail to realize that we are normal (okay, maybe not) regular, ol’ human beings, who have the same struggles as other folks.  We don’t have it figured out all of the time!  Could it be possible, though, that we are to blame for that, in part, anyway?  Do we present ourselves as “always having it all together” instead of allowing people a glimpse into our hearts, allowing them to see some of our own struggles and  challenges in life?  Perhaps it is a subconscious defense mechanism, so that we don’t get hurt, but nevertheless, it’s something to think about.

These are just a few reasons why it may be difficult for a preacher’s wife to have close friends. I’m sure there are others.

If you, as a preacher’s wife, struggle with loneliness, then look outside of your immediate circle and look for a fellow preacher’s wife who can understand some of  your struggles.  I would caution you, however – if you and another preacher’s wife develop a close friendship, don’t use your time together to vent about the *issues* in your  respective congregations. Searching for a biblical solution to a problem is one thing, but venting for the mere sake of “getting something off your chest” is neither a godly approach to dealing with frustrations, nor is it mentally healthy. That is true for everyone, preachers’ wives or not.

If you are an older preacher’s wife, perhaps you know of a younger preacher’s wife who could use some encouragement. Oh, she may not tell you that she does, but everyone needs some encouragement now and then. Send her a note, buy her a little gift just to say “I know what it’s like.”  If you are not a preacher’s wife, give some thought about what it might be like to walk in *her* shoes, and show your appreciation for all the work that she does behind the scenes.

Preachers’ wives do have some unique struggles because they are married to Mr. Preacher. But I think we need to remind ourselves frequently of the BLESSINGS that come from being the wife of a preacher. We DO have friends all around the world.  As husband and wife, I believe we share life in a deeper, more meaningful way than do many couples. We work together as a team, he as the leader and me, as his helpmeet. Together, we share both the joys and the sorrows of our fellow Christians. Together, we live for heaven. In my opinion, these blessings far outweigh any burdens.

Part of the lyrics go like this:

The serving pieces go on to sing:

While we hardly need Disney to teach us about hospitality, we can learn something from this song.  The servicing pieces were overjoyed at the opportunity to put themselves to use.  Not only was their purpose to serve others, but it’s what they wanted to do; it was natural. Serving others also brought them happiness.

As preachers’ wives, we will have many opportunities to practice the art of hospitality. The sooner we appreciate the joy and the blessings that come with hospitality, the better we will be for it. What exactly is “hospitality”?  Although the exact word is only used a few times, the concept permeates the Scriptures.  To sum it up, hospitality is receiving guests, both strangers and those whom we know.  It may include a meal, but not necessarily.  It means being willing to providing lodging, if such is needed. Sometimes it might be elaborate; often it can be simple.  It means investing yourself -  your time, your possessions, your energy, and your care in other people.  Sometimes it means getting out of your comfort zone.

We can learn a few things about hospitality by studying an incident in the life of Abraham.  In Genesis 18:1-16 we read of the account of 3 men who traveled, not so incidentally, near the vicinity of Abraham’s dwelling place.

When Abraham saw the strangers, he ran to meet them.  He didn’t sit back and wait for them to show up at his tent, but he went to them. Not only that, Abraham begged them to stop and stay for a while. He was eager for them to visit.  (Remember – at this point Abraham did not know who these men were; he thought they were simply travelers passing his way. It wasn’t until later that Abraham realized that these were more than mere men.) Abraham sincerely acted as if it would do him a great honor for these guests to come home with him. What is our attitude towards receiving guests into our homes? Do we look for opportunities?  When we do invite someone over, how do we come across? Do we offer a half-hearted invitation, or are we persuasive and genuine?

Next, Abraham took care of the immediate need for refreshment by washing their feet and having them rest in the shade.  He made sure they were comfortable. Like Abraham, we need to be observant and try to ascertain the needs of our guests without them having to ask.  One of the most important skills of a host/hostess is the ability to help our guests feel comfortable in our home.  There is nothing so awkward as being invited to someone’s house and feeling uptight and tense the whole time you are there and you can’t wait until time to leave. You don’t have to have fine china and you don’t have to have a seven-course meal, but you do need to be able to make your guests feel at ease in your home.

Abraham and Sarah provided a nourishment for their guests.  There was no such thing as a quick stop through a drive-through.  When one traveled long distances it was very necessary to rely on the hospitality of strangers to provide nourishment and a place to rest.  This concept has hit home to me more than ever since living in Africa.  It is the same way, in many respects, as it was in Bible times, especially when one travels away from the bigger towns and into the bush country.

Abraham and Sarah did not have the benefit of knowing ahead of time that they would have guests that day, but when the guests came, Abraham and Sarah got to work and put together a fine meal.  With the conveniences we have at our disposal today, there is really no excuse for not being able to pull together a quick meal at a moment’s notice.  If it is not around meal time,  it is still always a polite gesture to offer some sort of refreshment to folks that come your way.  Keeping a loaf of banana bread, some cookie dough, or some other goodies in the freezer will make it possible to show hospitality at a moment’s notice, day or night.  Even the poorest of people here in Tanzania make great effort to show hospitality, even if they were not expecting visitors.  They may simply offer a soda, or perhaps  a cup of tea and a mandazi (a fried pastry), or whatever  else they may have on hand, but most of the time, they are insistent that you stay and partake of something.

When it was time for his guests to be on their way, Abraham did not simple say a goodbye at the door, but he walked with them for a ways. Here in Tanzania, it is a customary and polite gesture to walk with your guests at least out to the gate, or if they are on foot, to accompany them down the road a ways. This is particularly true if you wish to let them know that you welcome them to come back again.  Yes, I know there are some guests that do wear out their welcome.  Even so, instead of rushing our guests out the door and closing it as soon as they step over the threshold, how about walking them out to the car and expressing your gratitude to them for coming?

The ways that we demonstrate hospitality can be quite varied, depending upon the need and the circumstance.  Do we always have to serve a full meal in order to be hospitable?  Of course not!  But the bottom line is… we must be willing to open our homes to others.  If you aren’t very comfortable at it, then work on it.  Ask someone for help.  With the help of your local library or a few clicks on the internet, you can discover all sorts of resources that offer tips and tricks that will build your hospitality skills.

Sometimes congregations expect the preacher’s wife or elders’ wives to orchestrate or even do most of the hospitality *for* the congregation. While we should be very willing to do our part, we cannot do it *for* or *in place of* other people, any more than we can obey any of the other commands of God.  We need to encourage others to show hospitality so that they, too, can enjoy the blessings that come from it.

Here is a challenge: 

This coming Sunday, plan to have guests come to your home for a meal – either for the noon meal or for an evening meal.  When you go to worship Sunday, look for a stranger – not your best friends, but people who are either visiting or that you do not know well. Compel them to come home with you.  They need to know that you mean it! If they turn you down, keep on trying until you find someone who will come (best friends not included).  If Sunday just won’t work for you, then pick an evening during the week. And please, let me know how it goes!

The Rules:

Now for my picks:

Pardon me, though, because my little circle of blog friends is…well….little.  So for some of these it will probably be a repeat.

Julia at Pressing toward the Goal

Debbie at Maries Simple Life

Lydia at A Glad Heart

Amy at Why Amy Smiles

Linz at Life With Linz

There you go!  Have fun with it.

One of the qualifications of an elder, who must have a wife, is to be hospitable (1 Timothy 3:2). I think it goes without saying that his wife is expected to be hospitable, as well.  It’s interesting to me that there are no biblical qualifications set forth specifically for the preacher’s wife.  God desires all Christian women be hospitable.  In 1 Timothy 5, Paul gives some instructions to Timothy regarding widows.  A widow, in order to be supported by the church, should have a track record, so to speak, of service to others.  Paul told Timothy “Let a widow be enrolled if she is not less than sixty years of age, having been the wife of one husband, and having a reputation for good works: if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, and has devoted herself to every good work” (1 Timothy 5:9,10).  In other words, if she is a widow over age 60 and she has no other family to care for her, support from the church is still dependent upon whether or not she has demonstrated a life of service to others, including hospitality.  That includes elders’ wives, deacons’ wives, preachers’ wives, and every other woman in the church.

You know the cliche’:  ABILITY + OPPORTUNITY = RESPONSIBILITY.  The reality is that each of us has the responsibility to show hospitality.  It’s up to us to improve our ability and take advantage of the opportunities, and there are opportunities all around us.  That being said, it is also true that as the preacher’s wife, we often have more opportunities to show hospitality to others.  Sometimes this is due to the fact that we are made aware of opportunities earlier than others. Additionally, we may find ourselves in a congregation where very few people are actively involved.  The reasons may be quite varied – some may be elderly and it takes what little energy they have just to get to services. Others may not know any better.  If they’ve not grown up in a home that practices hospitality, then it can be very intimidating and uncomfortable.  It’s amazing to me how many people have not had the benefit of growing up in a home in which guests were invited in.  This even includes preachers’ wives!

One thing that preachers’ wives must guard against is  thinking we have to do everything ourselves.  If we are not careful, we can rob other people of the joy of hospitality.  Instead of taking on all of the work ourselves, think of ways you can include other women of the congregation.  Sometimes people are willing, but they just don’t know what to do or how to do it.  Help other women, especially young women who may not have had good role models in their mothers.  Teach them some practical tips that will make it less stressful to show hospitality to others.

What people often don’t realize is that the ones showing the hospitality are often the ones who come away feeling blessed. If my mother had not been hospitable, our family would not have had the opportunity to get to know many wonderful people.  Those personal times with people serve to create bonds with one another that simply could not be created otherwise. Just think of what Mary and Martha would have missed had they not shown hospitality to our Lord. What if Prisca and Aquila failed to show hospitality to Paul?

Next week I’d like to discuss some practical aspects of hospitality.  What is it, exactly, and how can we go about it without getting stressed. Do you have any tips to share?

When people come to the preacher and/or his wife, they often need to discuss matters of a confidential nature.  I cannot stress strongly enough the importance of being able to retain confidences. To say this adds an extra weight of responsibility is a huge understatement.  A preacher and his wife can certainly identify with the apostle Paul when he said “Besides those things that are without, there is that which presseth upon me daily, anxiety for all the churches” 2 Corinthians 11:28. What church members often don’t realize is that they are not the only ones who have come to share their burdens.  Sister so-and-so might have asked to talk the day before, and tomorrow Brother so-and-so has an appointment to share his woes.  How many times have we laid awake at night, praying, pondering and sometimes agonizing over the pain of others and not knowing just how best to help?

When it comes to giving advice and keeping confidences, I have a few tidbits to share:

• Listen.  Be careful not to jump the gun and prematurely decide that you know what the solution to the problem is.  Often times people aren’t necessarily looking for a solution, perhaps because there is none; they simply need someone to listen and perhaps a shoulder to cry on. When decisions do need to be made, try to help in such a way that the person is not simply being told what to do, but with wisdom and guidance from the Scriptures, they come to their own realization about the best course of action.

• Avoid gossip.  Not only do we need to refrain from gossip, we should not allow others to gossip to us. Sometimes there is a fine line between helping someone through a situation vs. merely being used as a sounding board to gripe.  One way to differentiate between the two is to determine whether or not the person is looking for a plan of action. Do they intend to work on resolution, or do they merely want to vent?  If their problem involves a grievance with another person, ask if they’ve already  gone to the person in order to work through it.  If not, kindly point out their biblical obligation to go to the person first.  “And if thy brother sin against thee, go, show him his fault between thee and him alone: if he hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother” Matthew 18:15.  Unfortunately, there are some who have less than sincere motives when they want to discuss an issue with you, wanting to draw you into the fray, and will attempt to get you to take their side.  Be discerning and be on guard.

• Establish Boundaries.  It is very important that we, as Christians, do not allow ourselves to be put into a situation which could compromise our reputation or one in which we would be tempted to behave inappropriately.  As a woman, it would not be appropriate to meet alone and privately with another man under the guise of counseling.  For that matter, a preacher should never meet with another woman alone.  If he needs to provide counsel, then he should make sure that someone is nearby, with his study door open, or better yet, he is accompanied by his wife.  There is a good book available entitled Hedges, by Jerry B. Jenkins (not a member of the Lord’s church) which deals with safeguards that ought to be taken to protect your marriage.

• Team Work. There are times when you or your husband will counsel someone without being together. It is a good policy to ask the person if they mind you sharing the situation with your husband or your husband asking if he can share the information with you. This can serve a couple of purposes.  First, especially when dealing with more serious issues, it is always good to be able to bounce ideas off one another.  Sometimes a different perspective from the opposite sex can provide further insight. Second, this presents a unified marriage to those with whom you counsel.

• Respect the law.  From time to time there are circumstances that are, to put it plainly, horrid.  As a preacher’s family, sometimes we are privy to sordid sins that are also against the law.  If someone wants to take you into their confidence and you detect that they are going to reveal some sordid details, be clear that if someone else has been violated, or a crime committed, you will tell appropriate authorities. (That does not mean that you will discuss it freely with other church members.) It is not fair to you to be put in the position of keeping an unlawful, sinful secret. Furthermore, it is not in their soul’s best interest.

• Take a break.  Sometimes the weight of other people’s problems becomes quite heavy.  If we are not careful, we can allow the problems of others to drain us.  We have to be very careful not to get so involved and distraught that we are not able to care for our own families or our own mental health is compromised.  It’s easy to get sucked into other people’s drama, but we need to keep our heads.  Don’t let the crises of others consume you.  You and your husband need to set boundaries so that at certain times you agree that the “problem” will not be discussed.

Although these suggestions were written with the preacher’s wife in mind, in reality they are principles that are applicable to all Christians. Paul instructed Titus that aged women “may train the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sober-minded, chaste, workers at home, kind, being in subjection to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed:” Many times we expect a young inexperienced preacher’s wife to provide counsel when, through no fault of her own, she is simply not equipped to advise.  Let’s not overlook an often untapped resource -  older women in the congregation, who have weathered a few storms of life and have proved to be “seasoned Christians.”

Fast forward a few years, when I married my best friend, George Jensen. I wanted this verse read during our wedding ceremony “…whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge…” (Ruth 1:16).  I knew I would follow him, but where, I knew not. Before we were married, George attended an evening Bible school for a couple of years and he preached occasionally, filling in when needed at different congregations in the area.  He worked full time as an electrician, but he began to struggle with the time required for his secular job versus the time he needed and wanted to devote to the increasing number of sermons he was preparing. About seven months after we married, George decided to attend the East Tennessee School of Preaching and Missions. We raised the needed support, moved to Tennessee, and began school in February of 1986.  No longer was I a “preacher’s kid”, but I had become a preacher’s wife.

Preacher’s wives come to the role in various ways.  Perhaps your husband was already a preacher when you met him, and so you knew you were marrying a preacher.  Maybe you were married already and somewhere down the road your husband made the decision that he wanted to turn his sights towards preaching full-time. Regardless of the circumstances, it is very important that you be at peace with it.  If not, life will be miserable for both you and your husband.

When each of us made the decision to marry, hopefully we understood that we were agreeing to be a help-meet.  That is a Bible truth that applies to each wife, regardless of the husband’s occupation.  If our husband’s passion is to preach the gospel,  then we ought to want to help him be the most effective worker for the Lord. The life of a preacher’s family is not always easy.  Sometimes it’s difficult – very difficult. But as a preacher’s wife, we must determine that we are going to be an asset to him, rather than a liability.  Hopefully our husbands will be better because of us, and not in spite of us.  In reality, this is true of any marriage, is it not?  Being a help-meet to my husband is what I do, because I want to serve Him, and him. I can’t think of any place that I’d rather be.

How did you become a preacher’s wife?  I’d love to hear your story!

___________________________________________________________________

 I’d love for us to work together on being better preacher’s wives.  If you are not a preacher’s wife, of course you are welcome here too!  Perhaps this will provide some insight as to what it’s like being a preacher’s wife.

Grab my button for “Friday’s Reflections for the Preacher’s Wife” and help pass the word.

This is the code you will need:

<div align=”center”><a href=”http://journey-with-joy.com/?cat=152″ title=”Reflections for the Preacher’s Wife”><img src=”http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u175/gjjensen6/Fridaysblogbutton2.jpg” alt=”Reflections for the Preacher’s Wife” style=”border:none;” /></a></div>