Christ Is Living

Grounding And Faith

2026-02-09T00:08:00.060+08:00

The survival wiring in the nervous system does not automatically switch off in a place of safety. Life experiences can heighten protective responses, making the system constantly scan for danger even though there is none, blur the lines between past and present, making triggers feel like they are happening right now, and hijack rational thinking.

Grounding is often suggested as a practice to reduce emotional dysregulation and bring the person back to the here and now. Exercises like placing one's feet on the floor, deep breathing, holding oneself, and noticing the environment are easily accessible for one to work with.

Having practised grounding for some time on my own and facilitated by someone else, I found the efficacy to be a hit or miss. As I reflected, I realised that grounding often rests on self-reliance as it depends on my own capacity to receive and integrate safety, and when capacity is limited, grounding becomes difficult to access.

I am aware of how much I need a presence greater than my own to meet the deeper needs of my mind, body, and heart, and am keenly interested to integrate my faith. Grounding in the traditional sense does not have this integration present since it misses out inviting God into the process.

At times when I am emotional, I find myself questioning if God can bring me to safety since, in the past, He seemed to do nothing when I desperately needed and/or cried out for Him to save. From a therapeutic perspective, it will caution that engaging God too directly can feel unsafe, thus it is advisable to first pace and cue safety to the body with grounding exercises, independently or supported by a regulated person, before approaching God. I do not dismiss their value. Yet, in my own journey, I have come to recognise that making felt safety a prerequisite before turning toward God can unintentionally reinforce self-reliance or delay the very relational encounter through which safety is formed.

Rather than bypassing or overwhelming the body, I am learning to let God meet me in my unsettled self. Knowing God enough through His word and other past experiences enables me to trust His character and heart in spite of my emotional questioning. This leads me to ask Him to ground me by holding me in His presence. Over time and as often as needed, my nervous system is being brought into the knowing of the truth of who God is, and learn to trust God as a safe Person.

I find my concept of grounding to shift. Instead of grounding within myself, it comes from the steady presence of God. Instead of grounding being internal, it becomes relational. Instead of grounding being self-reliant, it becomes God-reliant.

This shift would not be complete without anchoring it on what scripture says. Reflecting on Romans 12:1-2, I have heard the emphasis of being transformed in the renewing of my mind many times. Yet, this process is not complete without first dedicating the whole self, which is my body, mind and actions, as a living sacrifice to God in worship.

In application, what this means for me is, I am not required to bring myself to felt safety through grounding in the traditional sense, before presenting my whole self and allowing God to transform my mind. But, while I still have activated protective mechanisms that come from survival patterns, I will present this whole self fully to the Lord in worship. His presence meets my whole being and gently reorders me to experience safety in the here and now. He will bring back rational thinking and transform me in the renewing of my mind so that I can see Him rightly and conform to His good, pleasing and perfect will.

I conclude with this, that if God is truly safe, grounding with Him can actually be the pathway through which the nervous system learns that He is safe, rather than not involving Him until felt safety is pursued through one's own capacity to regulate, before turning toward God. While a regulated human can support the process, coming to God without the pressure to feel safe allows one to be present with the Lord. It is His presence that creates the conditions for grounding, and safety becomes a natural outcome. God is the secure base, and capacity grows through relationship and worship.

Wrestling With Justice And Silence

2025-10-24T17:35:00.003+08:00

I have been reading the book of Samuel for some time and found certain accounts to be troubling. The book is framed to highlight political reigns and key figures. Within includes some stories of victims with their suffering, emotions, and perspectives unexplored. God's response is not included as well. This makes me wonder about His thoughts in the midst of their pain.

One of these troubling stories involves ten concubines whom David left behind to care for the palace while he and his men fled from Absalom, his son, during the revolt. Before this happened, David had sinned by using his power as king to take Bathsheba, an innocent woman who was already married. Later, he orchestrated the death of her husband to conceal his wrongdoing.

In the prophet Nathan’s rebuke, God declared the consequences of David’s sin:

2 Samuel 12:11–12

"This is what the LORD says: 'Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes, I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.'"

As the story unfolds in 2 Samuel 20, it becomes evident that the “wives” referred to were the ten concubines, and the “one close to you” was Absalom.

The ten women likely had no say in becoming concubines in the first place. They had no say in being left behind to tend the palace. No say to be subjected to violation and used by Absalom for his political display. No say to change their fate when David returned to reclaim his throne (2 Samuel 20:3).

Though David ensured their basic needs were provided for when he eventually came back, he no longer had any intimacy with them. Instead, they were confined to live out their days as widows. They were cut off from normal life and relationships. They became bound to a state of perpetual mourning till the day they died.

In every stage of their lives, these women were acted upon, not heard from. I can read their stories, but I cannot hear their voices.

As I pondered, I began to recognize that the plight of these women traces back to the inevitable consequence of Israel’s demand for a king. When the people first insisted on having a king “like all the other nations” (1 Samuel 8:20), God, through the prophet Samuel, warned them of what such a system of power would bring:

1 Samuel 8:11-18

“This is what the king who will reign over you will claim as his rights: He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers. He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive groves... He will take a tenth of your flocks, and you yourselves will become his slaves. When that day comes, you will cry out for relief from the king you have chosen, but the Lord will not answer you in that day.”

Samuel's warning foreshadowed how kings would claim power, possessions, and even women for their own service and pleasure. The suffering of David’s ten concubines thus becomes a tragic manifestation. This is a consequence woven into Israel’s history since they chose to place human over God as their king. These women became casualties of a system “like the nations,” which led to exploitation, loss, and deep moral decay.

Yet even with this understanding, the questions remain. Since God declared, “I will give your wives to the one close to you,” and “I will do this thing in broad daylight,” what does that mean for His responsibility in their suffering? Was He merely allowing the natural consequences of sin to unfold, or was He actively participating in judgment? How can the justice of God unfold through unjust acts? How is it just for the tragic consequence of one man's sin to cause innocent women to be raped and shamed before the country as part of the judgment? I find it deeply disturbing and difficult to reconcile.

Though the Hebraic worldview of justice encompasses both judgment and restoration, the latter seems painfully absent for the innocent. The story ends with no closure, no word of comfort, no evident sign of redemption. Their pain lingers, unresolved, in the silence of the text.

I struggle with the absence of a response from God, with a justice that feels righteous in principle yet devastating in practice. I wrestle with God who allows justice to unfold through human evil, and how some wounds in scripture are left open, not healed within the narrative itself.

As I take some breaths and consider further scripture, I begin to see a parallel between the injustice faced by the ten concubines, and of Jesus Himself. Like them, Jesus was sinned against, stripped of dignity, and left in the hands of those who used power to harm. He entered into the silence of the voiceless, bearing not only the guilt of the oppressor, but the wounds of the oppressed. He endured being used, silenced, and shamed.

Justice is served as He paid the wages of sin in His body. Restoration becomes possible when Israel and humanity choose to take His invitation to be reconciled under His kingship and find healing and life again.

Seen through the Cross, I hold the plight of the innocent who suffered before Jesus, who has taken their pain into Himself. I believe justice without restoration is not the end of their story. The discomfort I feel becomes the space where I learn to trust and hope within unresolved pain.

Perhaps, the questions I hold are not meant to be resolved within the text itself, but within the larger story of redemption. I believe Jesus enters the silence and carries their pain towards final restoration.

Until the day Jesus comes back, I live in the tension, lament with those whose cries went unheard, long for full restoration, and hope in Him who promises to wipe every tear, make all things new, and establish His rule and reign in the new heaven and earth.

Mercy Witholds The Sword

2025-10-15T18:07:00.000+08:00

Reference: 1 Samuel 24

David's situation was more than a political conflict or personal betrayal. This was deeply relational. He once served Saul faithfully and closely. He still related to Saul as his father. Coversely, Saul treated David like an enemy and was so determined to kill him. It must have been incredibly painful and difficult for David.

David had the opportunity to end Saul’s pursuit and eliminate the threat he posed, especially since Saul showed no signs of repentance. Humanly speaking, it would be justified for David to strike and protect himself.

Yet, David’s conscience was bothered as he cut a mere size of Saul's robe. He recognized Saul as the one anointed by the Lord. Out of reverence for God and respect for His divine choice, David restrained himself and refused to take matters into his own hands.

David's response reveals the heart of God within Him. He held a heart that chose not to repay evil with evil, waited patiently, chose mercy over vengeance, and trusted the justice of heaven rather than forcing justice on earth. Aptly, God declared him as a man after His own heart.

To be honest, it is really hard to respond like David. Without consideration for God, I would choose to retaliate. I want those who have hurt, to know how it feels like to be hurt. Also, from a self-protection perspective, removing the possibility for further or future hurt makes logical sense.

It is difficult to do the opposite of what my sinful nature wants, but not impossible. It takes the Spirit to replace the heart of stone with a heart of flesh. It takes yielded ears to hear what Jesus had, and is still praying for those who hurt, and pray likewise. It takes trust in the Father whose heart is to continually protect and not allow His beloved to rot senselessly to the grave.

As I pray likewise for some time, I come to realize God has been doing the very same for me all along. He could haven chosen to repay the evil I have done with evil, and I would very well say this is justified. Instead, He repays my sins with the death of His innocent Son.

When it gets hard, help me remember to draw upon the grace of what He has done for me, and be likewise.

No Robot; Yes Relationship

2025-08-02T19:18:00.042+08:00

I miss solitude time in London parks :(

I have been very used to suppressing my feelings, not just towards others but to God. I tell myself, "It does not matter if I feel reluctant, doubt, or difficulty. Just rebuke and shove all these down to obey God since He matters more than my feelings."

I remember fact -> faith -> feelings being taught in my early years as a Christian. I believe faith requires me to act on the truth about what God has said, not feelings. I memorise scriptures like "walk by faith, not by sight," and "the heart is deceitful above all else." It remains true that feelings can be undependable, and I need to act in faith spite of how I feel.

Because of my habits, I interpret these teachings to mean "it does not matter if I have feelings; I just need to faith this out." Essentially, my habits become more ingrained, and I automatically think "it does not matter." Unfortunately, this becomes a relief when difficult emotions surface. I just need to say, "it does not matter" and move on with life.

Recently, God has been quite clear that, "every time you say "it does not matter," you are actually saying "I do not matter." But you matter, and I want you to be honest about how you think and feel so I can speak to you and help you to be willing." Instead of loving God with my mind and strength like always, He wants to insert my heart and soul into the equation. He does not want me to suppress, but to submit these aspects. This requires bringing them to Him, not burying them.

This conflicts with how I have always functioned and how I have perceived church teachings. I find myself becoming slower in timing to take action, which I was not used to. I become aware of the state of my brokenness, and the beliefs and feelings that come along with it. It is extremely uncomfortable, which leads me to think if I am even walking right. I do not ignore the possibility that my heart can be deceitful above all else, and I can very well be wrong.

Adding to the difficulty, I consider a lot about how Jesus is coming back soon. Why should I feel, think, and heal? It is taking up more time. I want to rush to do, or ignore to do more important things, just in case Jesus comes back tomorrow. My heart no longer matters then, right? Why should I care then? It comes back to my original belief - "it does not matter," because in the grander scheme of things, He does matter more.

Despite my earlier thoughts, I have sensed God bringing to my attention the need to change and do certain things. Yet, He was not rushing. This made me question why He would bring things up and not demand speed.

My mind was brought to awareness of my concept of who I think God is. I have subconsciously conceptualised a Singaporean and Nike God who is efficient, fast-paced, and driven by immediate results. "I want it fast and now. Just do it," sounded like His voice. But I sensed God was moving at a different pace, and wanted to address something else first.

Rather than issuing a command, and expecting me to surpress my inner world, He offers an invitation. He invites me to first bring the parts I have neglected into the process. I find it a bit hard to take in that He is really this patient and kind. He will want to wait, walk, and grace me with time to grow.

The invitation and processing looks something like this. He wants me to check if I will say yes. My spirit and mind say yes; my heart says not yet, wrestles, aches and I don't really know why. I bring this state before God. He proceeds to point where the wrestle is rooted in. Often, it comes from past wounds, which leads me to stay and be held by Him, come to terms with what had happened, and process the pain through lament. I have found God to be gentle and firm in reparenting / discipling my beliefs and feelings such that they can become more aligned to His Word, character, and original design.

This takes time. Maybe, just maybe, this explains why He revealed things earlier than usual. He wanted to change me internally before I do things externally so that when I do externally, my actions flow out of a heart that is in the process of healing and being authentic, rather than a mind that keeps psyching, almost borderline hypnotizing, to do what is right just because it is right, all while dragging a heart that remains in denial and unhealed.

Not to forget, there is often a parallel process going on - the poopy activity of the enemy. The enemy often exploits wounds through exaggeration, lies and worser feelings. Hence, I recognise the importance to both sit with God to process the pain, and rebuke and cast out the enemy's poop.

Eventually, my actions will start to follow in small, to full units of change. My sincere hope is that, with less denial, deeper and fuller healing will occur, leading to a reduced need for processing, which in turn will prompt faster action. Alternatively, when God commands to act even though the broken beliefs and feelings has not been dealt with, or to take action while He heals, I want to be willing to do so.

I am starting to internalise that God gives commands not for command’s sake, but because He cares about me. He is not after blind obedience. He desires a relationship where my heart grows into alignment with His. This means His commands come with an invitation into process, not force to perform. His desire is not that I bypass my heart to obey, but that He brings my entire being into obedience, and restored to original design. The healing, honest conversations and willingness I get along the way matters just as much to Him as the action itself.

I do less faster, but I walk with Him closer. I find myself becoming less of a robot child, more of a relational child. And relationship is what He has always been after.

Hang By The Thread

2025-07-29T20:56:00.005+08:00

References: Numbers 15:37-41, Mark 5:25-34; Romans 13:14

God commanded Israel to “make threads on the corners of their garments” so they “may look upon it and remember all the commandments of the Lord and do them.” In the context of their time, the corner of a person's garment represented his identity. It is a visual and physical symbol of who he is and what he stands for. By wearing threads, Israel was identifying themselves to belong as the people of God who would honour the covenant, keep His laws, and be holy to Him.

When the woman with the issue of blood reached out to Jesus, she touched the hem (the very threads commanded in the Torah) on the corner of His garment. Previously, I always thought she reached for the hem because it was the most accessible, as if she could not get close enough to touch anything else, let alone talk to Him in her condition. But, as I thought about the context more, I began to wonder if what she did was far more intentional.

For twelve years, she had been ceremonially unclean, cut off from Temple worship and isolated from community. Instead of following the “harlotry” of her own heart and eyes, she turned her heart and eyes toward Jesus. In reaching for the threads, she was reaching out to the living embodiment of everything they represented, now made flesh before her: God's covenant, the perfect Law, and holiness. She was not only seeking physical healing; she was longing for restoration and to belong again to what Jesus embodied.

When she admitted to being the one who touched his threads, he called her “daughter” - a term of inclusion and belonging. She is no longer an outcast but someone who belongs to God and now part of the covenant community through faith, not the law.

While there are no outward garments I am commanded to wear presently as a reminder, He has called me to “clothe myself with the Lord Jesus Christ” by identifying and embodying His character. Once a visible reminder, the threads are now written on my heart by the Holy Spirit. He reminds me of who I am and what I stand for. In the cares and distractions of life, when my own heart and eyes are tempted to waywardness, I can intentionally turn them to trust in Jesus, who is not only healing, but restoration of my true identity.

If you are hanging by a thread

Hang by the thread of His robe

One day, you will hear Your Savior say

Daughter, your faith has made you well

His Arm Is Not Short

2025-05-21T14:14:00.000+08:00

Reference: Numbers 11

Moses reached a point where he was so drained and tired of Israel’s constant complaints over mere food that he asked God to kill him on the spot. The burden of leading a people who constantly grumbled had become too heavy for him to carry. But God, in His deep understanding, did not shame and rebuke Moses for being honest, nor did He criticise his fatigue. Instead, He responded with compassion. He took the Spirit that had been upon Moses and placed it on seventy trusted elders so they could share the weight of leadership with him.

Reading Moses's conversation with God gave me great comfort as I have found myself feeling the same. If someone like Moses, who spoke with God face to face, could feel exhaustion and say this kind of thing, then maybe I am not as alone or as weak as I thought.

The next part of Moses’s story really hits home. God met with Moses's doubt after promising to provide meat for the people for an entire month. Still weary, Moses questioned how God could possibly fulfill such a request. In his eyes, it would take slaughtering countless flocks and herds or gathering all the fish in the sea just to feed over 600 thousand men. It sounded impossible.

I have done the same thing in my tiredness, when I considered God's ways in human terms and found my vision of Him weakened. I forget who He is and start thinking in terms of what I can see and understand. I fail to consider how equally impossible it had been for manna to fall from the sky every single day, yet God had been providing it without fail. If He could do that, why not meat? If He has already worked miracles in my past, He can do the same even now.

God’s response to Moses reminded him of who God is: “Is the Lord’s arm too short? Now you will see whether or not what I say will come true.” That line pierces through my own doubts and calls me back to trust in a God who is not weak and limited by the seemingly increased difficulty of the request. Whether the need is manna from heaven or meat in the wilderness, or hope in my tired soul, He is still the same faithful God. What He has said, He will do.

So in my tiredness, I breathe. I remember that even my ability to still take a breath every second is His way of providing and sustaining me with His life. The burden may not have disappeared, but I am not carrying it alone. God is still proving Himself faithful. Though I may feel too weak to carry on, I will continually choose to lean in His arms.

Exodus Within

2025-04-22T22:09:00.003+08:00

Referencing Exodus

When the Lord promised Israel He would bring them out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, Israel had to trust God as the One who would rescue them (6:6-8). But, they did not heed Moses then because of the anguish of spirit and cruel bondage (6:9). Still, the Lord began to perform signs and wonders, gradually distinguishing them and the Egyptian perpetrators (7-12). Israel did as the Lord commanded Moses and Aaron (12:50), indicating their progress in heeding God's words.

As the Egyptians pursued them, they became fearful and cried out (14:1-10). To them, being back in bondage was better than dying in the wilderness (14:12-13). Moses encouraged them to not be afraid, and the Lord would fight for them (14:13-14). The Lord's response to Moses was interesting: “Why do you cry to me? Tell Israel to go forward... lift your rod, stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it.” (14:15-16). Previously, when they cried out, they were called to heed and trust. Now, the Lord pointed them to walk forward, and for Moses to use what he had in his hand.

Sometime later, Israel had their first battle with Amalek (17:8-10). As Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed (17:11). But it became too heavy, and others needed to support him such that his hands remained steady till Amalek was defeated (17:11-13). Moses had a pattern of taking on many matters solo which may have stemmed from his early life experiences - feeling displaced as Hebrew child raised in an Egyptian household (2:1-10), being rejected by his own people when he acted in their defense (2:11-15), and spending forty years in a self-imposed exile, holding a deeply solitary job as a shepherd in Midian (3:1; Acts 7:29-32). Even at the burning bush, when called by God, Moses hesitated as he felt deeply insecure about his ability to speak and be accepted (4:1-13). Those moments may have shaped his internal narrative that the world was not safe, he was not accepted, it was safer to rely on himself, and this reliance was laced with a persistent sense of inadequacy: “When I try to help, I get it wrong. I am rejected and all alone. If I am going to do this, I have to do it on my own strength, and even so, I am not enough.” It was only after his father-in-law spoke up that Moses allowed others to bear the burden with him (18:22).

I read these as chapters of one story - the story of how God brought Israel out of bondage into freedom. With their anguish of spirit and cruel bondage, it was understandable that they could not heed Moses's words. God did not need anything from them at that time but to simply watch Him do His work to rescue them. Gradually, as they saw the Lord's work and grew some confidence in Him, even with the fear they faced from their old enemy, the Lord invited them to partner and use what He had already given for them to move towards freedom. When Moses felt weak and tired, others needed to come in to support him so that he could continue fulfilling his responsibility. God will not replace someone else to do what he was meant to do, but He will allow others to support. Allowing their support freed him to focus his efforts on matters only he could do. The past patterns of isolation and uncertainty broke and transformed him to be one that could hold others as he was held.

I have been holding these stories to heart because they closely reflect my recent journey. There are moments when the anguish of spirit and cruel bondage fogged my vision of God. I felt so worn and unable to move forward, overwhelmed by the weight of pain that made hope feel so out of reach. Sometimes, the unknowns of change and healing feel terrifying because I am walking through this dark valley without light in sight. Though the road is full of promise because of what it is leading to, it feels like death: death of control, death of what feels “safe.” I may not necessarily want to be back in bondage like Israel, but the anguish desperately cries for an end to this walk.

I have experienced how God does not demand immediate strength or perfection. He meets me where I am, with my honest cries, and starts to show Himself faithful. As I begin to see His hand at work, I realise He is also inviting me to participate and lift what is already in my hand. This looks like holding the lamp of His word when I recall the verses that live rent-free in my head that point to who He is, or simply choosing to stay and make space for Him to speak. He does not invite me because I feel more ready, but because He has always been.

I have also been brought to a point where I have to admit how worn I am. I know the need to let others come alongside and bear burdens with me. But, even now, I still find this very hard because I, like Moses, have been used to doing things solo which stems from similar internal narratives. I recognise this kind of solo strength has limits. Like what one of my friends said, “allowing support does not mean weakness but maturity.” It does not mean I lose responsibility for what I am meant to carry, but others can come alongside in ways I cannot for myself, so I have the space and strength to take other small essential steps. I hope to allow God and others who are safe to hold me up so I can experience true safety, relational healing and become restored to the worshipper He has created me to be.

I do not see trusting God, using what He has already placed in my hands, and allowing others in as separate steps. They are all part of the same battle and story towards freedom. One does not cancel out the other. Trust does not mean I stop moving. Moving does not mean I stop trusting. Community does not mean I am weak. I learn to walk out freedom the way God intended: in trust, with what I have, and shared strength.

Hong Kong Exchange Reflections

2024-12-16T16:55:00.017+08:00

There have been many things that took place during my Hong Kong exchange from end August to early December 2024. It would be too much to cover in just one post, so I have selected 3 things to reflect about:

1. Last-minute academic plan • Trusting God

My PIA4142 Global Public Health class. PS: this module is hard, and God is faithful to see me through T-T

In the middle of Jan 24, when I received the outcome that I was going to CityU Hong Kong for exchange, I wasn’t feeling very stoked. I was oblivious about what to do in Hong Kong and worried about my academic plan. It reduced me to a dilemma as to whether I should even accept this exchange because I did not want to waste money or 4 months of my time. Most of all, I was unsure if going for exchange was God’s will or my own will just to have fun.

On 29 Jan 24, my bible plan took me to Exodus 33. For context, Moses was following God’s call to lead Israel out of Sinai, to fresh new land. He met with the Lord constantly and it came to one day where he asked God to show him His ways. Verses 13-14 stood out and I felt God telling me, “Like Moses, you have been trying to understand what My way for you is for quite some time. I will personally go with you, and I will give you rest - everything will be fine for you.” I was still not that convinced it was God. I told Him, “if I read it this way, it is out of context,” then He said, “Didn’t you want me to speak from the word?”

I laughed and felt rebuked by God. Still, I felt anxious because my academic plan was not settled.

1 week before flying, it suddenly dawned upon me that I could try to map modules from another department back to my home university. 9 Sept 24, the last day of the add-drop period of CityU, the school confirmed my classes. I managed to map back 2 3K modules to social work, and double count to my communications minor, and 1 level 4K module that maps back to social work. Also, I only needed to attend 2 days of school, freeing up other days for me to do other things.

This whole episode revealed my need for control. I dislike last-minute things and tend to plan early so I can feel a sense of ease knowing what to look forward ahead. Trusting God’s voice and control requires boldness and knowing His character. God is a faithful Father, a promise keeper, and a gentle and firm refiner.

If you struggle with feeling anxious, ask who you think God is. Go back to His word and see if it aligns. You may not feel in control because it requires surrender, but He is safe to trust.

2. What to do in my free time • God's plans are good and timely

My Hong Kong YWAM Shanti family <3 Miss them so much T-T

From 15 May 24 to 27 Jul 24, I was in different settings where Acts 1:8 was being read. At the 7th time, I finally became curious if God was trying to get my attention, and I asked Him, to which He replied, “For Hong Kong.” I began to expect being in some Hong Kong ministry where I heard about how the power of God was actively touching and changing lives. On the 3rd day I landed in Hong Kong, on 28 Aug 24, I sensed God saying, “Go to where the need is.”

Through a connection, on 31 Aug 24, I gave a day to volunteer at YWAM Shanti, a missions organization serving refugee and asylum-seeking families. As I spoke with one of the staff later, the sentence, “We need people” kept coming up. I was offered an internship on the spot, which I was just shocked by since it was just my 6th day here. I felt peace to accept the offer, but could not reconcile my expectations that I was supposed to be in another ministry.

A week later, I got the chance to visit the ministry I thought I would be immersed in. Conversations revealed that there wasn’t much of a need for me to be there, but they were open for me to participate in what they were doing. I was so torn but I decided that I would go back to what I felt God first spoke, to “go to where the need is.” On 11 Sep 24, I finally asked God to help me settle my expectations, and interpretation of Acts 1:8 since I was doubting my hearing of Him. He spoke to me about the people I will be working with in my career, which aligns with the internship offer I have accepted. Also, He wanted to teach me “how love is mundane and long-suffering. It may feel unobvious in power, but never devoided of power.”

On 24 Oct 24, a pastor pointed out, “When people are filled with the power of the Holy Spirit for the 1st time, they always tend to report encountering God’s love.” This helped me to reconcile why I received Acts 1:8 before coming to Hong Kong. Initially, I thought power meant the supernatural power of God and was naturally geared towards being in some obvious power ministry where the gifts of the Spirit were evident. But, my lens of understanding was zoomed out by what the pastor said, and later reading both Acts and 1 Corinthians in continuity.

I realized how love can be seen as power. Without love, flowing in the power of God becomes worthless, and the person accomplishes nothing.

The power of God flowing out of a heart of God's love helps the believer become an effective witness to reveal that God is not merely a God of power but of love. Instead of accepting the gospel message because of what He can do supernaturally and miraculously, the person believes because they know God loves them, and they want to enter into a relationship with Him.

3. Being surprised by God • God can work simultaneously

My Hong Kong residence family <3 Miss them so much too T-T

From 31 Aug 24 till 15 Nov 24, I had been put in conversations where the topic of God's redemption of one's past was talked about. Coupled with the training school held by the missions organization, where they went through topics like the Holy Spirit, inner healing, and the father heart of God, He began to bring back a specific layer I had been dealing with before coming for exchange. I was surprised God would bring it back because I carried an expectation that I was going to Hong Kong for work, which meant being laser-focused on school and ministry, not self-work.

Receiving healing for weeks helped me to realize that I have cleanly compartmentalized what I thought God could do in a given period. I was reminded of a friend's message sent on 13 Sept 24: “May you not only do the work of God but be the workmanship of God.” I felt Him breaking the mindset, saying, “I am more concerned about you than the work I have called you to do because you are My workmanship. Do not think I cannot use you while you are healing. As long as you stay yielded to Me, I can still work in and through you.”

God does work simultaneously in and through a person, and the key is to remain yielded to Him such that we do not become too inward-looking till we become too self-absorbed, nor too work-focused till we use those results as validation of God's approval. Both the inner and external workings of God are works of His grace.

In all, God has been so good and faithful. It is true that God really works all things together for the good of those He loves and calls according to His purposes. I did not expect my exchange to be so heart-opening and fruitful, and I am thankful to God for allowing me to meet brothers and sisters in Hong Kong who are living their lives for Him, involved in such good work, and cared for me like family when I was away from home. <3

The Baptism Of Fire

2024-08-28T23:00:00.007+08:00

Your fire

Painful refining

All whom You love

You discipline

Count all as gain

To be Your beloved

Call You Father

I will seek Your will

I will receive Your fire

Burn up all in me

Till I become the image of You

Your kindness

Faithful restoring

All whom you wash

Are white as snow

Count all as loss

To know You as I’m known

Call You Father

In the past, I understood the baptism of the Holy Spirit and fire to be a simultaneous experience, much like the events of Acts 2, where tongues of fire rested on the believers in the upper room, empowering them to speak in tongues. Although I experienced something similar, I recently realized that my understanding of the baptism of fire was limited. There is more that God wants to reveal to me.

Over the past few months, when people who did not know me well prayed for me, they spoke similarly along the lines of, “The experiences you have gone through in life is like the refining fire God put you through to make you like the pure diamond He has made you to be.” It was in the past tense — “gone through” — that led me to rejoice in relief that my life's long and challenging seasons were finally over, allowing me the space to breathe and relax. However, when someone recently prayed these same words on the last occasion, I sensed God saying, “No, the fire is not done with you. I want to baptize you with fire.” My first reaction was, “Huh no way…”

Truth be told, God has since revealed aspects of myself that were inclined toward selfishness, self-protection, and sin. This revelation led me to 1 Peter 4, where Peter addressed a struggling church facing the challenges of a licentious culture filled with sensuality, passions, lawless idolatry, etc. He reminded the believers of the impending judgment against the Gentiles and continued talking about how believers would face fiery trials as judgment began in the house of God. This fire invites believers into co-suffering with Christ, purifying them so that only His glory remains. Additionally, I was directed to Matthew 3, where John the Baptist emphasised repentance and described the baptism of fire as judgment for those who do not repent and purely place confidence in their heritage as Abraham’s children.

Through these scriptures, I sensed God saying, “You would rather judgment begins within you now. You would rather My fire than hellfire. Lest you think you are safe holding on to your identity as a Christian, I want to burn all in you till all you have been created to be - the real you bearing the image of God - remains.” I have come to understand that the baptism of fire is not merely a power-filled experience for ministry, but also a judgment that purifies, enabling me to live fully as His co-sufferer and image bearer. On a practical level, this baptism of fire has unfolded as persistent prompts to reconcile with God and men. This involved releasing forgiveness, not holding others hostage for the wrongs others have done, asking for forgiveness and making restitutions towards those I have done wrong in the past, and cutting off sinful patterns of thoughts and behaviors. I thought the above practicals done some time back were sufficient, but I did those when I was in my nice, safe little bubble without those people in my life. It is a very different story when people are now gradually coming back into my life through physical or virtual interactions, and past memories and emotions surface again.

Obeying these prompts has often felt unnatural and painful. I felt really reluctant and wished His hand was not so heavy. Yet I recognise that He treats me this way because He regards me as His beloved child. He does not desire to make my life burdensome or miserable. He is a Father who provides not only comforting experiences but also challenging ones that lower me to honestly face the wretched parts, and cry out for His help to bring refining and delight in the desires and wills of His heart.

As I continue on this journey, I am embracing the revelation that the baptism of fire leads to purification and transforms me to become fully alive in Christ, reflecting His glory to the world around me. I am learning to hold tightly to the promise that He is with me, guiding me to become the person He has created me to be — one who bears His image. With every “yes” I easily or painfully give to Him, I trust that His fire will lead me to walk in the fullness of His calling.

Cavite Mission Trip

2024-05-13T22:57:00.002+08:00

This reflection is based on my experiences in the most recent mission trip I was a part of. Though I have many highlights and learnings I can share from this experience, I am choosing to focus on intercession because it has been a journey since last year when I first saw intercession with disdain, thinking it was a very impractical gift and a waste of time. Over a few months, I finally came to acceptance, delight, and intercede as led and with limited understanding. I have been wanting to better understand what intercession is, and the experiences from this trip feel like a beginning of revelation deposited to continue stewarding beyond this trip.

I was resting by the side where the children were playing. One boy caught my attention as he kept wheeling over his train in my direction. Later, he progressed to show me an interesting flag he had. There were four rows of various country flags - two at the top; and two at the bottom. At the center was the blue star of Israel.

He kept naming countries I had not seen before. In my curiosity to find out if he was just naming randomly, I pointed to one flag I knew and he gave me the correct name for it. I wanted to point to more flags I knew. But, he kept pointing to other flags I could not recognise and proceeded to name them again. He continued like this for two days and I treated it like a normal playtime. Upon conversing with the father, he confirmed that his son had been memorising country flags since the age of two and is not randomly inventing country names to me.

On the third day, while worship was going on, I was in the hall shooting photos as usual, when I felt God stopping me in my tracks and saying, “My affections are for the nations...” Being oblivious that He was getting my attention, I was going to continue being task-oriented. He continued the sentence with “…but I am not having them.”

I was taken aback and found it confusing because I was immersed in an environment the locals were worshipping, so I asked, “What about this nation? Don’t You have them?” He reminded me about the entrenched practices of the locals and the playtime when I could not recognise most flags. He replied, “Not fully. I long for this nation to fully return to Me. I long for all nations, even those that you have no recognition of their existence - the unreached and unknown to you - to return to Me. I long for every nation to respond to the question “Is He worthy?” with a resounding “yes.” My affections are for all nations, but I am not having them.” For the first time, I felt my heart breaking like His.

Through this experience, I gained a deeper understanding of the heart of intercession. It became clear to me that intercession does involve creating a space to hear the very intercessions of Jesus Himself and then aligning mine with His. As I reflected on John 17 and Hebrews 7:25, which reveal that Jesus is continually interceding for us, I realised that the practice of intercession requires me to attune my heart to the longings of Christ. I have to be willing to listen for His specific burdens and intercessions, and then pray them back to the Father in accordance with what is on the heart of the Son. It begets the question, “Jesus, what are you interceding for today?”

Moreover, my perspective on intercession expanded beyond mere spoken words - something I have been very used to doing alone. As I joined in corporate worship, singing about the worthiness of Jesus, I sensed a transcendence occur. The songs became more than just music and lyrics for me to engage in worship myself. I realised how singing those words leads to an embodied response of hope and intercession welling up from within – a unified cry for all nations to one day sing praises to the Worthy One and for the fulfillment of Revelation 15:4. Intercession allows me direct access to His heart and includes engaging in songs that prophetically usher in the day when He fully has the worship of all nations for Himself. The songs are what He wills for the nations to sing, and He deserves to have all nations reconciled to Himself because He is worthy.

The Way Of The Cross

2024-02-18T22:00:00.004+08:00

The freeing truth is coming to know you have been living a lie all these years.

There are many unkind and dishonouring responses I wish I can say in some people’s faces. I wish I can hate. I wish I can sin in anger. The ugliness and depravity of the sinful nature is such a tempting fruit to yield towards.

But, because I am a Christian, and I know how toxic hatred and anger can be, I am compelled to ask God for a response. I hear the words:

The way you respond is the way of the Cross.

The way of the Cross is to be understood in light of the happenings of that fateful day. Jesus looked to the people who crucified Him and told the Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.

Do they really not know what they were doing?! Well, Jesus said what He said.

I don’t know how Jesus brought Himself to forgive. He was experiencing such excruciating pain physically, emotionally and spiritually. If it were up to me, I would seriously hurl every colourful language I know just like what I want to do now. But, He amazingly did not.

He chose to forgive. He forgave the men who hurt Him. He forgave and is still forgiving me, even though I know what I am doing wilfully at times.

So, lest I think I am deserving of forgiveness, and as emotionally difficult this is, I will muster His strength to follow the way of the Cross.

Christmas Volunteering Trip

2023-12-29T23:30:00.011+08:00

In the 2 days Christmas volunteering trip, my friends and I got to experience several unsophisticated conditions. We sat on dirty carpets, walked around wet and dirty floors, brushed our teeth by the tap at the petrol kiosk, smelt stale air and slept simply on the floor with a rug laid. If I can be honest, at some point, it was revolting and I involuntarily retched.

As I was processing this with the Lord, my mind went to the scene of His birth. He was born in dirty conditions, in a smelly manger where the animals live and do their “business” in. If I was there, I could imagine myself having the same reactions like the above, because the conditions were unideal with a revolting smell.

Yet, this is the reality of His first days. This is also the reality of the living conditions amongst the children, the special needs and the disabled, which is already way better than the past abusive and inhumane conditions they came from. Still, the saddening part is not these mere physical conditions; it is the reality of them being unwanted by their own parents and the society at large.

In the midst of the saddening narratives, I saw the hope they carry through their belief in Jesus. Aside from the fun activities and games, the most precious thing I could offer to them was not silver or gold, but comforting factual words that they have a Heavenly Father who loves, wants and will never forsake them, for “though my father and mother may forsake me, the Lord will take me up.” The reality of Emmanuel who shares similar experiences is powerful to heal hearts and trade broken narratives, and this is the definition of religion He desires – “to visit orphans and widows in their affliction.”

Also, I witnessed resilience of the local initiators, volunteers and children. They learn to stand up for what is right even if it is against the norms of what the world expects of them. They – even the youngest being 6 – cooked and take care of each other like blood-related family. The children gave us the precious gift of dance accompanied by Chinese Christian music, learned independently without anyone teaching or instructing them to do so. They gave laughter, love and taught what it means to be unashamed and express the honest need for love through the simple reaching out for a hug. Beneficiaries have capabilities and assets – if only we will see them!

In all, I am thankful for the interactions I gleaned from this trip, travelling with peers who are like-minded with shared experiences to offer empathy, and Jesus who acutely understands and works through available vessels like us to bring the message of continual hope and salvation to a needy world.

Understanding Social Complexity: Meritocracy

2023-09-26T23:04:00.003+08:00

Understanding Social Complexity: XX is a two-part series of reflections to document my learnings of a core curriculum module I am currently undertaking at university. What has been taught thus far, triggered more questions within as I have to navigate various schools of thought and think about where I stand presently in all of these. My hope is to be transformed in the renewing of my mind as I reflect on the complexities with mindfulness from the Christian standpoint.

Singapore practices meritocracy in our education system. Everyone is given a fair opportunity to receive rewards for their hard work. While there are good aspects to this system, it has bred competitiveness where everyone wants to be better than the other. It becomes a system that seems fair in principle but not in practice since inequality is still present.

Coming out of school into the workforce, the grind does not stop. Most people, especially the young, are constantly in the rat race to become superordinate and climb to the top. In a bid to show merit constantly, the fear of failing and doing something wrong becomes prevalent. We become stuck in the epidemic of perfectionism, facing real pressures to follow the herd mentality just so we don't FOMO.

I realised how entrenched I have been in this epidemic of perfectionism. Through work, I was given a sense of meaning and usefulness. I feel in control of my life as long as I do not screw up. My hard work has gotten me so far in life, so why can't I take credit for my achievements? As someone who is trying to be a little more Christian, I know that whatever I have received thus far in life - my being, opportunities, talents, etc. - comes from God.

I cannot boast about myself. I cannot fully be in control. I can only give glory for whatever I have received back to God who has given them to me first. This is very counter-worldly. Then again, if I truly attribute the rewards I have to be God-given, the most common response I will give, and also have heard from friends is the "no lah, all glory to God" statement. Therein lies the feeling where I cannot feel happy about the rewards I have received. I fear being happy because I may start to attribute glory back to myself. Why can't I feel truly happy for the rewards while attributing glory to Him?

[As a placeholder thought] One of the frameworks I have in my mind is the distinction of talent vs effort. I thank God and truly feel happy for the talents he has given to me. Without Him, I know I would not be able to gain opportunities, let alone function to work so that I can receive rewards. On the other hand, I want to truly feel happy that I have put in effort on my part to work hard. Effort translates to excellence, which ultimately brings glory back to God...

Simultaneously, I face the struggle to feel successful. In our meritocratic one-size-fits-all system, there is a focus on academic merit to indicate success. Those who don't succeed feel like failures. Everyone starts chasing for grades that are no less than a B+. Do they get there by means of true understanding or not, I cannot say the same for all. But that is not the point. It is just about getting a better honours class on paper to clinch better jobs with better-starting remuneration.

When will the chase of success ever end? Isn't it futile since there is always going to be a next bar I know I will never be able to reach?

Pondering about Jesus, I realised how He is perfect but remained unconcerned about looking successful in the eyes of this world. He had to be a baby, live a humble carpenter's life for 30 years, have a short-lived ministry for 3 years, and die a gruesome death on that damned cross. He looked like a foolish king, but He is considered successful in God's eyes because He knew who He was getting approval from.

To no longer feel the struggle is to give up societal-defined success. I do not need perfectionism to feel safe and worthy enough. Most importantly, I have to be mindful about who I am getting my approval from.

Please haalp...

Understanding Social Complexity: Individual Free Will

2023-09-13T23:16:00.000+08:00

Understanding Social Complexity: XX is two-part of a series of reflections to document my learnings of a core curriculum module I am currently undertaking in university. What has been taught thus far, triggered more questions within as I have to navigate various schools of thought and think about where I stand presently in all of these. My hope is to be transformed in the renewing of my mind as I reflect on the complexities with mindfulness about the Christian standpoint.

The freedom we value is the freedom to have executive control over our desires. However, determinism is everywhere and there isn’t a lot of freedom left after we account for deterministic factors.

Those who subscribe to genetic determinism believe human behaviour is directly controlled by an individual's genes. For instance, you will be smarter if you are born to parents who are smarter. Singapore's late minister mentor LKY subscribes to this viewpoint.

Those who subscribe to environmental determinism believe the cause of human behaviour is influenced by external factors. For instance, you tend to become more aggressive if you have grown up witnessing parents who are violently abusive to each other.

Emotionally speaking, I would love to immediately subscribe to these deterministic viewpoints. God, this is how you have made me to be. You placed me in my current environment and I have no choice... However, on a personal level, it feels like a get out of jail free card since it does not account for personal agency and reduces responsibility. It also lacks hope for a better outcome or possibility for change.

Gradually, I found myself taking a soft determinism approach. I acknowledge my natural tendencies to be and behave a certain way, with the root stemming from deterministic factors. On the other hand, albeit taking more effort than a normal individual, I can take personal responsibility, making a choice contrary to my natural tendencies.

A parallel biblical text I can think of comes from Romans 7. Paul talks about the predicament we all identify with - For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. My fleshly desires may have been determined by my natural tendency as a sinner. I naturally will to sin. Only Jesus Christ can deliver me from my body of death. By His grace, I can will to do what is right.

Then again, if the only choice I can make is the choice God wants, do I really have freewill? I go back to the very first statement above - the freedom we value is the freedom to have executive control over our desires. I seriously wished I could do whatever I want edwithout constrains because I would truly feel free. Calling a spade a spade, what I am essentially saying is, I want to be the god of my own life.

True freedom may not feel free because it involves a whole lot of dying to myself and what I naturally will to do. However, the result is an abundant life and true freedom to fulfil a sense of purpose that is bigger than what I can conceive. I may not be able to recognise this as good for myself, but He sees it as good.

The real question I have to ask myself is if I really do trust God is good and has good plans for me. Am I willing to give up insisting self-autonomy over true freedom I can experience in Christ?

This is such a struggle. I think about Jesus who gave up heaven to come to this stinky earth. He did not insist on self-autonomy even though he could, but willed to obey God fully.

To no longer feel the struggle is to give up my adopted definition of freedom. I need to trust that God is good, and what He wills for me to do results in good since He has the best interest for me. Most importantly, in the struggle, grace is ever present.

Please haalp...

SW3103C Field Placement 1

2023-07-14T22:47:00.002+08:00

Given that I have just ended my first social work internship experience, I have been very impacted by several learnings, especially those "heart" ones. This is a succinct attempt at streamlining into three aspects, with my appreciation of the significance and transformative power of genuine curiosity, intertwining the sense of self and perspective-taking of others.

Curiosity

You can be curious, but who are you really curious for?

As social work students, we have been trained to be curious so we can ask questions and gain a better understanding. However, I have learned through work how important it is to be curious for the person sitting in front of me - my curiosity should be helpful for them.

Adopting this attitude would inform my frame of inquiry to be helpful since I become more sensitive to a person’s psychological boundary and won’t thread into areas unless safety and rapport have been built for them.

The use of “self”

What are your values, beliefs, and lived experiences that inform the self of the worker?

The use of “self” is about knowledge, values, and beliefs. Some parts of it are actually informed by lived experiences. Because we are recipients of these experiences, we can give the same to others. Our own journey becomes a wellspring of insight and compassion.

Something that I have been consistently receiving in my lived experiences is hope and resilience. This is what I can set to give when I meet people. Even if it is a mandated or unwilling individual who has come to see me, I would ask myself how I can give hope within that 1 session, and look for inner resources within an individual where I can affirm to be resilient points within them.

The more we discover and understand our self, the more we can manage and connect with self, and thereafter connect in a way that will be helpful for ourselves and others interacting with us. This is freeing and restful because we no longer become different when we are professionals - our personal and professional self integrates as one. We will also be able to help others connect and be comfortable with themselves.

Dropping labels

What are your thoughts and feelings about someone who has done something wrong? Do you notice any labels you place upon them?

Though a person may have committed something wrong or different from our value system, it is important to not label them as a perpetrator because this identifies them as the wrongdoing, does not believe in the potential for change, and places us as the higher and more righteous expert. Moreover, there is usually a back story as to why someone would do something which is usually either good or what I want to term as broken-and-not-healed-yet intentions. Unhelpful labeling will deny us the chance to hear the backstory.

Adopting narrative practice, externalising the issue would help both the person and us to find the root cause of the issue, and deal with the issue directly. We no longer say that the person is the problem, but the problem is the problem. We fulfill the ethics of upholding dignity and respect for the individual.

To conclude, there is a profound impact in embracing these principles, not only on the lives of those we serve but also on our own personal and professional development. May we embark on a path of understanding, compassion, and interconnectedness. The art of social work will become a transformative force in the lives of many, and this may include ourselves.

Drinking The Bitter Cup

2022-07-23T16:45:00.004+08:00

Forgive not just seven times, but seventy times seven.

Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

If you don’t forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Has Jesus wrestled with unforgiveness? When He was betrayed by those He called friends; with mockery from the very ones He was dying for, the only display of relatable emotions I could think of was from Matthew & Mark’s gospel, where He felt forsaken by God. I wish there were more details - more of a peek into his emotional struggle. That is if He did experience any.

With Him confronting me with the topic of forgiveness through verses and related stories for weeks, I wished I found my heart bursting with gladness or responding in agreement. Instead, I felt extreme frustration, partially toward the people whom I need to forgive, but even more so at myself, because I know I am not as magnanimous as I wanted to be. It felt easier to throw in the towel and stop putting myself in situations and conversations where I have to be confronted with this. But, I know full well that it would be foolish to not allow God to do His thing. Hence, as much as I dislike this confrontation internally, I make it a point to show up and engage externally.

I find it hard to reconcile mindful and emotional forgiveness. See, with His daily beckoning, I bite the bullet and forgive mindfully. Simultaneously, my heart feels a myriad of emotions such as hurt, anger and anxiousness. If forgiveness is a choice and not an emotion, why is it that I forgive mindfully, yet still feel unforgiveness? It seems so paradoxical.

Living in a sinful world brings an imbalance when right and wrong are placed on the same scale. Injustice and unfairness are guaranteed experiences. In the present day, children are still suffering from the effects of Agent Orange; corruption is still happening, letting some gain at the expense of others. Bringing it closer to home, what about the injustice that happens to us or the people close to us? When we think, Lord, this isn't fair; I've been abused, violated, betrayed, etc. Why? Do I even deserve this?

How do I marry injustice and forgiveness?

There are many examples in the bible of those who have sought for justice with an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Moses killed the Egyptian; Abraham killed his brother who raped his sister; Peter sliced off the servant's ear to defend his Lord; some Jews bound themselves under an oath to abstain from food and drink as they wanted to kill Paul. Unfortunately, Jesus yeeted out this mindset with his iconic sermon in Matthew 5.

As though being slapped once is not enough, I have to offer my other cheek to be slapped again. As though taking my cloak is not enough, I have to give up my tunic. As though carrying baggage for that oppressive Roman for 1 mile is not enough, I have to walk an extra mile for him. This leaves me hurt, naked and more tired than I should be, yet I cannot retaliate. I have to forgive, pray for the very ones who hurt me and leave justice in His hands. How counterintuitive!

I am very much unlike God and know I need saving from Him who can change what my heart sinfully inclines to do and conform to become like Him. I lay down bitterness to the One who drank that bitter cup on the Cross; the high priest who understands every weakness I have, and with the little strength I have left to muster within, I make this succinct prayer to God daily:

Please haalp.

From The Wholesome Moments

2022-06-15T18:57:00.008+08:00

My dinner meeting yesterday was filled with really wholesome revelations. Though it was just the both of us in that 1 space, it felt like God was facilitating and guiding our conversations. As it is something I have not experienced for some time, and I am scared of being forgetful, I'll section my thoughts in this one post today...

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1. Navigating Individuation With Biblical Sense

You have heard that it was said, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. (Matthew 5:38-42)

Individuation is a concept I have been obsessed with. It came from a place where I realised I was so tired of being treated like a child. I realised how insecure I was when it came to identity and making decisions. I did not trust my thought process or voice. In a bid to search for a solution to this sickening problem, I stumbled on the concept of Individuation.

I became a firm believer of this concept and desire to become my own person, grow up and be treated like an adult, even if others don't necessarily treat me this way.

This belief was shaken when the above verses were brought up. To me, the verses essentially is saying, even if you feel the legitimate need to slap the person back or take your tunic back, don't fight. Fulfil the ridiculous demands of that Roman officer and walk an extra mile. Give, even if you don't feel you have to.

So, do I fight to individuate, or no? Where is the limit? I have no concrete conclusion at this point of writing.

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2. Who Do You Think You Are? (PS: Thank you Max Lucado lol)

...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus... (Romans 3:23-24)

When I was younger, I used to place people whom I've held in high regard on a pedestal. If they had the Reverend, Pastor, Cell Group Leader, Worship Leader title, I would think that they are damn holy people. If they held a godly leadership title, they should have conquered / be actively conquering their own sins.

This mindset came from church cultures I experienced. People would draw a line in a leader-member dynamics. The member tends to think that their leader have a stronger walk with God because they seem to have it altogether. It doesn't help when leaders don't share their weaknesses if their sole fear is stumbling their sheep. So, when the leader struggles, stumble, and / or fall, we think, "wah, leader also can ar?" When a member falls into the same pit, we think "yeah, it's natural. This person is just a member..."

This mindset was later shattered when I experienced the human weaknesses of leaders. It left me shell-shocked and disappointed.

More often than not, I forget that leaders are mere people like everyone else. I think that there are different levels of holiness, and the scale is from Joy to Jesus. But, all have sinned. When God looks down from his high vantage point, He sees everyone the same - sinners in need for Him to save.

Hence, we should not be surprised if anyone in leadership struggles, stumbles and / or fall. Instead, we treat them like our brothers and sisters-in-Christ, fallible. Leaders should not fear stumbling their sheep to hold their goody Christian image, but be simply be real as the Spirit leads. I have found that the moments I had courage to be the most vulnerable with a leader came because they were open to share first.

We are simply like each other - sinners in need of Jesus. This should be the message we are sending across.

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3. On Being Real

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)

There are multiple days when I find myself in turmoil, struggling to obey and honour God in what I say and do. From my heart's perspective, I cannot see God in a lot of what I had and am presently going through. I struggle to reconcile certain verses in the bible. As much as possible, even though I hate showing this side of me, I try my best not to hide that I am struggling with this Christian walk when someone asks me about it.

When I read some stories in the Old Testament, I find it lacking emotion. Think Abraham. When God told Him to sacrifice his son, he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. The account presented the information; not the emotions.

So Abraham felt nothing? He was totally cool with slaying his son? Unless he was an emotionless father, I would imagine that he was struggling within, maybe even to the point of anguish. Crying, perhaps?

While I don't discount the fact that some may feel faith filled and unfazed when they go through tribulations, most won't feel that way. And it's the most who owe this authenticity, not paint a picture to show others that life is great regardless if they are not feeling that way. Not to merely pride in sharing the faith filled moments, but the valley / anguish / struggle that comes along with faith.

Because people will walk away thinking that life becomes bed of roses when you become a Christian, when, in fact, you will, and are struggling, but choose not to reveal just to keep your godly, inspiring impression to others.

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4. He Would Eat With Me

Now it happened, as Jesus sat at the table in the house, that behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat down with Him and His disciples. And when the Pharisees saw it, they said to His disciples, “Why does your Teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

When Jesus heard that, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice.’ For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance. (Matthew 9:10-13)

I don't understand why Jesus will want to associate Himself with me and be involved in my life. If I were Him, I won't want to have anything to do with myself because I am too broken, sinful and difficult to be around with.

The story of Jesus eating with the tax collectors came to mind. They were outcasts, shunned and hated by people because they worked for the oppressive Roman government. They were dishonest and collected more money than they should to pocket for themselves. In spite of the public's negative opinion and knowing the sins those tax collectors committed, Jesus remained present, spending time and eating with them.

The same God who ate with them is the same God who will eat with me and call me to repentance time and time again. He called me to the Great Banquet, and sees to it that I eat with Him at the wedding supper of the Lamb.

Sometimes, I wonder if His patience will run dry and He will just thank you, next me, moving on to another person who is more worthy of His time. I won't stick around for me, but He is still doing so, which attests of His gracious and kind character.

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The culture of this world is vastly different from His Kingdom's. Perhaps, we have allowed it to seep into our lives or churches. But, Jesus has called us to be in and not of the world, not to conform to the thought patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...

Don't Steal His Thunder

2022-06-09T01:47:00.003+08:00

Though there were stuff faced today that was pure crap, there were great stuff that happened as well. As someone prone to focus on negativity, I realised how important it is not to let the enemy steal God's thunder. It has been such a long time since I recognised the obvious doing of God, hence I am going to document what happened today in this post.

Source link here

Just this Monday that passed, the speaker was referencing from Luke 8, sharing about the story of the woman with the issue of blood. I quote:

Brokenness is not in a sense that you are unfixable, but it's in a sense that you are so broken in spirit that only God can heal you.

For some time now, I thought I was unfixable because there was so much mess within, but the speaker's sharing caused me to realise that, if the woman can be healed after having that issue for so many years, so can I, and it starts from forsaking the "band-aids" I thought could provide healing for my brokenness, then turn to Him.

Source link here

As I was speaking to a dear sister about what I have been going through, telling her how broken I was feeling, she felt the brokenness I am experiencing is going to be so great an extent that I feel irreparable. However, God will be like the potter, mending me whole eventually. We had this conversation in the late afternoon.

In the wee hours of this night, I chanced upon this post in my feed, and the exact words of this post related to what I have been facing. It was very uncanny that the designer of this post would use a footage of the potter shaping the clay.

This isn't just from me, but friends around who have seen me in my valley season for some time now recognise that God is obviously speaking to me. While I deem myself as beyond repair, there is nothing too broken that God cannot fix. He will hold me fast...

Connection - A Human Craving

2022-05-31T16:11:00.008+08:00

In the past, when I read news about spouses who found it hard to leave their abusive partner, I would be appalled that they would even want to remain, knowing how hurt they would be. It seemed very easy to tell the victim to just leave. It seemed very easy for that person to just leave.

That was what I thought all along till now...

There was a period of time when I tasted real family and normalcy. Fearing to be connected in the first place because of past episodes of abandonment, I was very apprehensive and held back to give my 100%. However, seeing the others put in effort to connect caused me to think that it would be unfair if I did not do so, hence I eventually reciprocated the same.

The craving for connection was satisfied healthily, all until it no longer existed because of external human decision. To fill that void, I started to think of a familiar environment that had some form of connection, but was toxic in nature. Though I knew it would not be good for my emotional system, at least I felt connection. That was what I thought I needed, and with the convenient excuse of testing the waters, I plunged myself into the environment.

I did not mind toxicity as long as I felt connected.

If I really take a step back, this feels pretty screwed up. Like, I would do literally anything just to fill that craving. A realisation hit me, that this is what the victim similarly feels in an abusive relationship. Though it is familiar, he/she would rather stick with it, because stepping into the unknown, albeit its potential good outcome, is a very lonely place to be in. The person does not fear the hurt, but isolation - that no one sees/hears him/her anymore. At least, when he/she is hurled negatives and expletives, hit physically, he/she feels a sense of existence and connection.

Today, I am learning to acknowledge that toxicity is seriously not normal even if some believe it is and project it in reality. I recognise that this is in their worldview as they are still broken, and learn to reject it emotionally as much as I have the consciousness to do so. While I have to connect afresh with much fear and trembling, I own a small sense of pride and rejoice when I attempt to take baby steps, opening up and relating with others.

In this journey, the most comforting part of it all came from a reflection about Jesus as Emmanuel. He has chosen before the foundation of the world to be reduced as a babe / a mere man, connecting with broken humanity and going through the unnecessary / risks for our sakes. He was misunderstood by his own brothers, hurt and abandoned by his disciples' betrayals, rejected by humanity as their Messiah when He was going through what they needed to suffer, etc. He even felt forsaken by His own father when He was at the Cross. Yet, He is still with them.

The Emmanuel who was with the wise men, teachers of the law, Samaritan woman, etc. is the very same Emmanuel who is still with us - with me today. Even when I treated Him like His brothers / disciples, He is still choosing to connect and love this pretty messed up, broken individual back to life. With His blood as the ink and our lives as the paper, He has never once put down the pen to stop writing our stories of redemption.

And Emmanuel remains reality, even when my heart is currently faithless to feel this way.

When Will Sorrow Be Traded

2022-05-19T02:17:00.003+08:00

I am not entirely sure what has been going on in my heart, but ever since Sunday night, I felt lingering sorrow, the kind that would not go away. It is as though I could burst into tears at any given moment. Usually, I would be able to kick the emotions out, but I found myself incapable of doing so this time.

Upon chatting with a dear brother yesterday, I realised that we were in the same boat. The conversation went on where we talked about the disappointments we faced in church community, and how it left us detached and one day just stopped praying and spending time with God altogether. To me, what is the point of continuing to walk with God when I harbour so much negatives about His people? It felt hypocritical to want God. Hence, I lived my life apart from God, not considering His ways at all.

How ironic that I am blogging about it here. Back in 2011, when I first started the blog, my heart was full of faith and hope. Now, it is the total opposite.

It is scary to give up on something I know for my whole life. I knew God through birth stories my parent would tell me when I was younger. Yet, the reality of God dims in comparison as I think of leaving the faith altogether like many of my friends. I do miss community, but am seriously afraid of being hurt and disappointed. Navigating through this is really really hard.

I know there will be more days like this, and I sincerely hope God rescues and provides a way out with whatever I am feeling on the inside. I want to trade sorrow for joy, but my heart is just not feeling this way. I just don’t know if I should even continue…

God Will Fight For You

2022-05-17T20:28:00.007+08:00

Last Sunday, I came to acknowledge that my heart has been devoided of hope, sick beyond my own repair.

Casually, I agreed to stay on for church service after a I attended a home church session conducted by my mentor. The minute the pastor flashed his sermon title as Fight For Your Family, I wanted to yeet straight out to go home. However, the PR Christian in me said nope, and so I stayed on.

Throughout the time he was preaching, I felt extremely frustrated, thinking that whatever he said was just pure bulls*** even though he quoted scripture. Deep down, there is this small sane Christian in me that acknowledges the facts, but it was quickly shut down by the jaded adult who is dealing with the feelings of extreme disappointment.

If it is really true that God will fight for my family, where was He when I was suffering? Where was He when I prayed non-stop for reconciliation and peace in my household? Why doesn't He just flick His finger and take away all the brokenness, or just make my family miraculously whole? And, why must I go to a group home for 3 years, experiencing the love and warmth of a family culture, only to have it taken away because of the owners' burnout and choosing of the 1 child adoption?

In the midst of all these questions, I felt that I have to move back home for financial and human reasons. Are you kidding me, God?

During prayer time, I could no longer hold back whatever I was experiencing on the inside. The mask I tried wearing tightly to show people that I was okay, and to show myself that I was in control, dropped. I realised that I was not strong as most people think of me to be; I was just avoiding my emotions so I could choose not to open those rotten cans of worms. I realised that I was not as magnanimous as I thought of myself to be. I tried so hard not to weep, but I could not stop. Thankfully, my mentor's presence and prayer content was comforting.

As June is approaching, I find my heart gripped with fear. What if (and I am saying if in the most optimistic sense), things revert back to hell normal, like the times where I tested the waters? I know fully well that I am not strong enough. I am not full of faith that God will fight for me, but I know I must trust because He is my only option.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. - Proverbs 13:12

Is God Really Good

2022-04-15T12:00:00.002+08:00

I don’t think God is good

This has been something I am feeling deeply in my heart but feel uncomfortable to express it openly when asked “how is God good in your life”. Having been taught in church and served extensively in a myriad of capacities in church previously, it felt very inappropriate for me to make this statement to anyone. Often, I will find myself PR-ing, squeezing reasons to tell people about God’s goodness when I am asked to because I do not want to look like the odd one out.

Some time ago, I was approached by this gentle and sweet lady to share my testimony to a bunch of youths. I wanted to reject this gig, but the PR Christian in me said yes. Because of Covid, I had to sit in front of a camera by myself and record. What took 1 hour became double the time because I did not press record the first time. Having to smile and act like I believe whatever I was saying for 2 hours was frustrating and exhausting. I thought I could audition for MediaCorp lol.

After the video was released, I received messages that some people felt the presence of God, were encouraged and touched by the sharing. And to be honest, I laughed in disbelief. Because here is someone not believing anything she has said, having no walk with God as it was just CMI, but people were still impacted. Naturally, I could attribute this episode to God’s glory because I know it was only Him.

Today, I still question the factuality of God’s goodness. If he is good, why does bad stuff have to happen to me? Why do I feel I am lagging behind in life, doing catchup when I am supposed to already be having a career like my peers? Why do I have to be hurt by the people who were supposed to be the closest, and especially Christians? Why do I have to be disappointed by people so much that I now second guess and fear whenever I want to be vulnerable?

There are a lot of questions I have, and I cannot find satisfactory answers to bring rest to my soul. But one thing for sure, the longer I spiral down without God, the more I think of ending it all, which is a very scary place to be in. So, even if I don’t understand and cannot reconcile the happenings in my life, I still want to choose to surrender. Because God is trustworthy, even if my heart feels the total opposite.

Fragmented

2021-07-19T23:27:00.004+08:00

First, we have the KTV cluster that emerged. A lot of people I know, including myself, were enraged. Unfortunately, I found myself feeling this way, not because of the corruption and injustice of the whole situation, but the fact that Singapore may go into a lockdown again.

Compare the SARS outbreak that took place when I was in Primary school with the current Covid outbreak. The impact of this virus has been so great, so much so that we have to term this a new normal.

Then again, I feel frustrated when it has been termed and accepted a new normal. Since when was this supposed to be normal for us?

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This news has yet to settle within when another shocking news surfaced. A 13-year-old boy from River Valley high was murdered by a 16-year-old teenager with an axe. The crazy part - this has been the 3rd murder of the week for Singapore.

Both news felt like 2 slaps to my cheeks, waking me up to the reality of evil and pain we experience in this world. It reminded me of this verse in Matthew 24:

13 Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. 14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

The state of the world has become so much more imperfect. I find my heart feeling more and more unable to bear with the world going in a downward spiral. Why doesn’t God flick His finger and take all the pain away?

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Simultaneously, I found my heart growing increasingly cold towards God. I have grown disinterested to fork out time with Him. Online church became accessible and convenient, but I felt the total opposite as I laid on my bed.

Also, I felt jaded and disappointed from the examples of people who came into my life, held Christian leadership / were well regarded by Christians, but provided hurting experiences that left my heart in pieces. It felt extremely hypocritical to spend time with God knowing that I held this bottle of negatives that He wanted me to let go, but I just would not.

It was only then that I realise this parallel. My world is spiralling downwards like this world.

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I dare not look nor accept His grace. Yet, the many years of church attendance have taught me that His grace will be there whether I liked it or not because it is a part of His character. Like Peter, even if what I can honestly offer is a phileo kind of love, I know that He will accept me in this state.

He continues to agape me, and His hope is for me to stand firm to the end. Not with my own strength and faith because I obviously have none now, but with His.

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While I yearn to pray that wickedness and sickness will be eradicated from this world, I know that it is only a promise fulfilled in eternity. So, I pray for the response of my heart to be one that rests in the God who holds the comfort and answers to my fragmented thoughts.

Why Death

2021-04-01T19:38:00.040+08:00

I wished April Fool is a reality, where what I'm experiencing is just a joke and God can reverse death as a reality in our world.

Just yesterday, my ex-cell group leader in the days of my youth succumbed to her illness. Having received the news while commuting on the train for work, I struggled to fight back a lot of tears. This was a dear leader / big sister who offered comfort and refuge when I was a youth and stayed connected with me even when I was no longer in her church. She showed me how friendship is intentional, where it goes beyond being in the same place at the same time.

Most recently, in mid last year, we applied for the same NAS Academy course, and she was elated, telling me how she prayed to God for to have a classmate who was familiar to her. I happened to be her answered prayer.

I find myself wrestling with God, unable to reconcile why He must take her away. In my head, I understand that He has His timing for everyone; I just hate that death, pain and suffering remains a reality in our world.

And God, I don't know how to think about this. It is really painful, but I know You are a man of sorrows who is acquainted with grief. You fully understand. So help me, God...

On Ravi Zacharias, An Unexpected Episode

2021-02-13T16:44:00.007+08:00

My bubble from May 2020 broke when I woke up this afternoon with the first article appearing on my newsfeed, “Ravi Zacharias Hid Hundreds of Pictures of Women...” I thought he lived a life well - that whatever he portrayed in public was whatever he was in private. What am I supposed to think now?

I thought about the times when I admired pastors and other Christians who held godly knowledge greater than I possessed; spiritual ability greater than I exercised. The charisma they held caused no one to really question. They really seemed like good, helpful people who show to others outwardly that they wholly love God and do His works. But, if you get to really know them in private, you will start to see that they are as human and fallible as you are.

It is hard to think, that they who fervently preached justice and portrayed themselves as godly to outsiders would cover up their inner intentions. They would sacrifice the innocence and dignity of others to get what they truly want. In the end, it leaves the other party hurt, confused, not knowing what to think, while they still go about living merrily with their holy masks. When one encounters such people enough times, they may eventually disassociate with the faith due to myriad of disappointment they faced in those who claimed themselves as so-called “servants of Christ.”

Having said all, I do not discredit that there is / was an impact in their ministries. In the case of Ravi, skeptics and critics were won to Christ - something that not many ministries were able to do. There are many times I had doubts and found a sensible answer through the words of this man.

As much as it hurts that our bubbles were burst in the past, today and possibly in the future, one truth stays the same. The centre of our admiration should not be men, but in the One who has given them the abilities to operate the ministry - Christ Himself.

As much as we will want to disassociate and shield ourselves from further disappointment, we can choose to remember that Christ Himself too held the disappointments we gave to Him when we walked in our own foolish ways. He drew us to Himself, and will still draw us to Himself, however wayward we become.

Pastors, religious leaders, godly people held in great esteem, you and I, are all in need of a Saviour.