Experts that study marriage say our home is often the worst place to find romance because of all the distractions.[1] Does your home feel like this sometimes? Ideally, you want to create a place in your home where you and your spouse and enjoy a place of refuge with peace and quiet–a sanctuary of sorts.

In a book entitled, Intimacy Ignited, the authors describe a place in the Bible where David would run to for refuge and safety in the middle of the desert when ever he was trying to escape the wrath of King Saul. This sanctuary was known as Engedi.

Engedi was an oasis in the midst of a very dry land. Beautiful plants, various wild life, and fresh, clean water were plentiful. Even today, Engedi is an amazing  contrast to the desert that surrounds it.

I really like what this image brings to mind and the atmosphere we would want to achieve in our homes, so for the remainder of this article, let’s refer to our bedrooms as “Engedi.”

Start by imaging what an oasis and sanctuary would be like in your home. What comes to your mind? What does this special place look like? Did you picture a secluded cabin in the woods? Was it a deserted beach?

Now ask yourself these questions:

• Why do these places “feel” so special?
• Why do they seem so “perfect” for lovemaking?

When we speak of making our bedrooms an Engedi, we are talking about trying to make them feel like a place we seek out–like a sanctuary. When we speak of a sanctuary, words like “retreat, oasis, a hideout,” and “safe shelter” come to mind.

Your Engedi should create a setting where you and your spouse feel relaxed and peaceful. It should actually be the most beautiful room in your home which will often become your favorite room as well.

In a book entitled, Intimate Issues, authors Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus say, “Walk into your bedroom and take a long look. Is it a place set for passionate love? If not, set the stage.”[2]

One of the activities I enjoy sharing with my students in my class on sex and intimacy in marriage is to as them several questions about the state of their “Engedi”:

• Is your bedroom a space that welcomes you?
• Is it clean and organized?
• Is it attractive and pleasing to look at?
• Is it a creative setting for your lovemaking?
• Is it a private, secure, and romantic hideaway?
• Is it a sanctuary for the king and queen of your home?

It always gets them thinking about this important space in their home–often for the first time from the point of view of taking the time and effort to make their bedrooms beautiful.

If you are reading this article with your spouse, or plan to discuss this idea with them, consider discussing this question: If you could snap your fingers and change anything about your bedroom, what would it be, and why? This usually begins a conversation between the two of you that can be enlightening, as well as productive with positive changes.

Maybe your Engedi needs a little work. Whatever you do, don’t let your Engedi frustrate you–simply decide to make some changes a little bit at a time and it can become what the two of you want and even enjoy doing together. Even if you both love the way your bedroom looks right now, you might read something here that inspires you to make some subtle changes–you know, those little things that can make Engedi even more special, now or in the future.

To begin, make sure Engedi ministers to your senses. God created us with the wonderful sense of seeing, tasting, hearing, touching, and smelling. Try to keep these in mind as you evaluate the following aspects of  your bedroom.

1. Privacy. Make sure there’s a lock on your bedroom door and use it! Feeling secure during your lovemaking is critical for any woman. Safety from intruders (even small, friendly one) is at the top of a wife’s list in feeling relaxed!

2. Eliminate noises outside the bedroom. If you are easily distracted by noises outside your bedroom during lovemaking, you can try these tips:

• Run a floor fan or sound machine in your room to block out noises
• Play or turn up some music so you don’t hear noises outside your door

3. Have different types of lighting. Different forms of lighting will not only enhance your lovemaking, but can create a relaxing atmosphere.

• Consider plugging your lamps into dimmer switches, and replacing regular wall switches with these as well.
• Purchase small table lamps and use low-wattage bulbs
• Place strands of white Christmas-tree lights in artificial plants or trees if you use these as decorations in your bedroom
• Candlelight is very romantic; however, if you are sensitive to smells, purchase unscented ones or those with gentle fragrances like vanilla or almond

4. Make this space beautiful. Your mood can be greatly enhanced by what you see.

• Purchase a beautiful bed covering for your bed. Your bed takes up a large percentage of the space in your room, so make sure it is something you both enjoy looking at. (And be sure to make your bed every morning as well. “Make your bed–make your day” really pays off here.)
• Buy attractive curtains or shades for your windows
• Pillows can add a great deal of visual interest to a room. They also offer comfort and uniqueness to your times of lovemaking as props

5. Focus on your sense of hearing. Sounds like:

• Your favorite relaxing and romantic CDs playing can make your stress level from the day’s activities come down tremendously
• A small bubbling fountain trickling in the background can bring soothing and relaxing results

6. Enhance your sexual desire through smell. Try some of these ideas:

• Scented linen sprays you both enjoy
• Scented candles
• Ask your husband to wear your favorite after-shave lotion
• Buy your wife a favorite cologne that reminds you of her

I distinctly remember how this whole concept about Engedi first impacted me. Through my studies on sex and intimacy in marriage, I began to understand just how important Engedi is in my relationship with Jim. I tend to be a very practical person and I’m not very extravagant. However, I had underestimated how important it was to make our bedroom a place that was both beautiful and inviting to both of us.

The light bulb went off for me several years ago after I finished reading Intimate Issues. Literally, the next weekend I went shopping so I could beautify, and “sexify” our bedroom to make it more inviting and relaxing. It has proven to be some of the best money, and time, I’ve ever spent!

7. Train your children to respect your privacy. Teach your children to knock on your bedroom door before entering. Even a toddler can learn to do this. This reminds them that this is a special place for mom and dad. After all, it’s not their playroom.

Jim and I both want to encourage the two of you to brainstorm some ideas on how you, too, can improve your Engedi as you share ideas for giving it a well-deserved makeover and/or facelift!

(This article is an excerpt from the Couple’s Workbook for a Bible study on Song of Solomon entitled, Passionate Partnership: A Couple’s Invitation to Intimacy.

Footnotes:

[1] Lorilee Craker, We Should Do This More Often: A Parents’ Guide to Romance, Passion, and Other Pre-Child Activities You Vaguely Recall (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 2005), 43.

[2] Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 1999), 223.

When it is time for the Celebration Class, which I conduct for Week #13, I present any of the students who have not missed a class with a special certificate. (A copy of one can be seen in the Appendix of the Leader’s Guide.) I also like to include a small gift like a scented candle along with this.

There is a copy of a Perfect Attendance Certificate in the Appendix of your guide. You can xerox it onto heavy cardstock, or you may purchase a colored copy to print from your computer in the Colored Graphics from the Leader’s Guide. This is just one of several other colored graphics included in this purchase.

So many women that participate in An Invitation to Intimacy have never heard about the love story between Solomon and his bride, often because they’ve never read it or found it difficult to understand the meaning behind the poetry of  this book.

In an effort to make Solomon and Shulamith’s love story understood, I’ve written my own interpretation of what I believe may have occurred between this husband and wife. While much of my story comes from my imagination, there is definitely scriptural evidence for the events that take place and some of the conversations that occur during their courtship and marriage.

Just before I begin to read their love story, I wait for the lady who wins the door prize to open her gift while the rest of the students enjoy watching her and sharing their thoughts about what she got. As they settle down, I simply begin reading–no introduction to what I’m reading or what the story is about.

I always make sure to use a lot of expression as I pull the students into the story.

Finally, after I’m finished reading (and it takes me about 17 minutes to read “A Vineyard and the Palace“), I pause for a few moments and wait for their responses. Then we participate in a time of  sharing various thoughts they were thinking while I was reading.

If you would like a copy of this love story which can be separate from what is in the Leader’s Guide, it is available for purchase, along with other resources in the Colored Graphics and Special Documents for An Invitation to Intimacy, you may purchase it by going to the Online Store.

There are several reasons why this persistent guilt is so common among Christians today. Many of us are “preaching Grace, but living by Law.” As a doctrine, we believe in grace, and we know intellectually God’s grace has “set us free from the law of sin and death.” However, as a practical matter, we act as though our sins are forgiven by acts of penance, as if our sacrifice, rather than Christ’s sacrifice could free us. If we live on this level, we will be prone to despair because we can never be sure we have done enough to “pay” for our sins.

Even more depressing is the subjective feeling we are “OK” and have done enough. This feeling will come and go, leaving us one day feeling forgiven, the next day wondering if there isn’t something else that needs to be done. We fear God has some ‘whammy’ waiting to strike us so that we will suffer some more.

The sad fact is the more realistic we are about our sins, the more hopeless we will feel as long as we try to atone for our own sins. In the words of the old hymn, “What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” Accepting what Christ has done for us, and not trying to “reclaim” our sins from Him so we can carry them a bit more, is the first step in getting past the shame and guilt.

When you sin, you sin against God. He is the One you need to turn to and ask for forgiveness. You aren’t sinning against yourself, but only against God. Scripture teaches God forgives you when you humble yourself and ask Him to forgive you. Then your sin is forgiven and He remembers it no more!

Forgetting

What usually happens to us when we sin is we have trouble forgetting about them in our mind. This is not entirely our own doing, since our Adversary’s chief tactic  (meaning Satan’s tactic) is to accuse us. Even sins God has already forgiven can still work as accusations if we are willing to listen to his lies. “You’re no good.” “You’ll never learn, never change, never win.” Satan brings these charges to our mind. If we allow ourselves to get bogged down reliving our failures, he will defeat us every time.

Something that is very helpful in the healing process is to learn to praise and thank God for forgiving your sin whenever one is recalled in your mind. Satan uses your past sins to keep you in bondage, so a victorious way to break free from this is to “turn the tables” on him.

The next time you recall a sin in your life, such as a past sexual sin, repent of that sin and ask God to forgive you. Once you do, He has! Then if you ever recall the memory of that sin again, turn the recollection into a praise and thank Him that you have already been forgiven!

As you do this over and over, you will find yourself thinking less and less about that sin. Satan hates your praises, so the more you praise God, the less Satan is going to enjoy tempting you with painful memories.

This is one of the promises God gives us in Scripture when He talks about how ALL things work together for good for those that love the Lord. In this case, the “good” that comes from God begins to help make the painful memories fade as you thank Him for His forgiveness, mercy, and love.

Set Free

If you find you continue to have trouble getting over your sins from the past and you keep beating yourself up over them, here’s some encouraging words. Shannon Ethridge shares the words her best friend said to her one day when she was “beating herself up over some past sin. This quote is from her book, Every Woman’s Battle:

“Do you know what you are saying about the blood that Jesus shed for you when you refuse to forgive yourself for your past? You are saying that His blood wasn’t good enough for you. It didn’t have enough power to cleanse you.” She was right. Underlying all of my self-pity was the belief that what Jesus did for me couldn’t possibly be enough to rid me of my stain. I needed some special miracle to set me free, and until I got that miracle, I had to beat myself up as an act of penance. If this rings true for you as well, then guess what? The Holy Spirit is telling you the same thing He told me back then: Jesus opened your prison door. It’s up to you to walk out![2]

It is a sad fact that sin begets more sin. Sins hardly ever come just one at a time. In Scripture, we read how David gazed upon Bathsheba, lusted after her, called her to his palace, slept with her, and conspired to murder her husband. When David gave into the sin of lust, the “domino effect” was set into motion. In the same way, brooding over past sin, even lamenting past sins over and over, makes you more likely to fall again.

In Ethridge’s book, she makes it clear that her failure to accept God’s forgiveness made her more vulnerable to further temptation. If you see yourself of little worth, and refuse to believe God desires to have a relationship with you, you’ll find yourself trying to seek His acceptance and intimacy elsewhere. However, it is not a love that can be found with other people; it is a love that can only be found in Him!

To break the cycle of never feeling forgiven, you must hold on to Christ, and to the promise that He has freed you. Then the sequence can turn around the other way, and one forgiveness can lead to another–one act of grace to the next. As God forgives you, and you live in that truth, you can gain the power to forgive those who’ve hurt you and begin to forget about the sins you’ve committed yourself.

Seek God through prayer and ask Him to help you begin the healing process for overcoming past sexual sins in your life. As He helps you each step of the way, you will begin to experience newly found freedom in your relationship with your husband and come closer to being “naked and unashamed” in your sexuality.

(This article is an excerpt from A Wife’s Invitation to Intimacy.)

Footnotes:

[1] Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free (Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 2001), 100.

[2] Shannon Ethridge, Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 2003), 134.

If you would like a copy of a waffle, click on the image below.

If you would like a copy of a plate of spaghetti, click on the image below.

I hope you find these images helpful and that you students enjoy the visual associations as they study this material.

It seems that researchers are discovering that sex and orgasms have positive effects on most of the major bodily processes. Moreover, these are proving helpful in soothing our stressed-out minds.[1] Research reveals that orgasms are good for you, meaning sexual repression can result in you not being as fit as you could be.

Below are some of the areas of health that are influenced by our sexual activity–specifically the results from experiencing an orgasm on a regular basis.

1. Relieves Tension. After experiencing an orgasm, the moments that follow appear to be one of the few times when people actually allow themselves to completely relax and let go of the day’s stresses. This results in most distractions being put away and left for later as the afterglow of an orgasm is enjoyed.[2]

2. Helps you sleep better. Orgasms have the ability to act as your own personal tranquilizer. Most men tend to have a quick drop in their blood pressure after orgasm, whereas a woman’s drop is presure is more gradual. Experiencing an orgasm causes the release of endorphins in the brain, which results in calmness throughout the body. This is why most men are ready for a nap following orgasm, and women wish to enjoy times of cuddling and resting with their husband.[3]

3. Boosts your immune system. With orgasm, DHEA is released and as Dr. Theresa Crenshaw says, “DHEA may be the most powerful chemical in our personal world. It helps balance the immune system, improves cognition, promotes bone growth, and maintains and repairs tissues, keeping your skin healthy and supple. It can mean less frequent colds and flu.”[4]

In addition, Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says that those who have sex once or twice a week show 30% higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, which is known to boost the immune system.[5]

4. Can cure headaches. The next time your wife says, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache,” gently share with her that sex has an added health benefit to act as a pain reliever. Because the hormone oxytocin is secreted during sexual activity, endorphins are released. The rise in the level of endorphins has been shown to relieve headaches, cramps and overall body aches.[6]

5. Can boost hormone levels. During sexual activity, both testosterone and estrogen levels experience a boost. Testosterone helps fortify bones and muscles, while keeping your heart in good working condition. In women, estrogen levels increase which help protect against heart disease.

“Ever wonder why women love the touchy, feely stuff so much? It’s because of their rise in estrogen levels. This hormone also plays a huge role in a woman’s body scent. While estrogen makes women sentimental, a rise in their testosterone levels is what makes them desire penetration.”[7]

6. Strengthens your body: It seems that the contractions that are experienced during orgasm can help to improve erection problems and incontinence. When 178 Belgian men with minor erection problems participated in a four month daily rehabilitation program which primarily focused on Kegel exercises, 74% showed improvement and 43% reported they were cured. For women, Kegels strengthen the entire uro-genital tract, aid in easing childbirth, and prevents the onset of incontinence.[8]

7. Alleviates Pain: Oxytocin is secreted in the body and it helps to release endorphins. These two hormones are natural opiates. When an orgasm is achieved, it then becomes a powerful analgesic because it elevates the pain threshold. Orgasms can even help to relieve the pain of arthritis, whiplash and headaches.[9]

8. Reduces your risk of heart disease: It’s simple — by having sex three or more times a week, individuals reduce their risk of heart attack or stroke by half.[10]

9. Increases blood flow: As arousal leads to orgasm, all parts of our body become saturated with fresh oxygen and hormones, while used blood is removed. This also helps to remove waste products that can cause fatigue and illnesses. This is caused in part by the deep breathing and muscle contractions that take place during arousal and orgasm.

10. Helps you lose weight: For every 3500 calories you burn you will lose one pound of fat. Sexual intercourse burns approximately 150 calories per half hour. In comparison, yoga uses 114 calories per half hour, dancing 129, walking – 3mph 153, weight training 153, volleyball 174. The pulse rate in an aroused person rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150–the same as that of an athlete putting forth maximum effort. British researchers have determined that the equivalent of six Big Macs can be worked off by having sex three times a week for a year.[11]

11. Creates healthier relationships: Oxytocin is also considered the bonding hormone–another reason to love it. It spikes three to five times higher than usual just before orgasm, actually triggering it. It can also be elevated through touch. Maybe that’s why so many of us feel compelled to blurt out how much we love our partner at climax.

12. Helps you to live longer: A British study of 1,000 people found that those who had at least two orgasms a week had half the death rate of the rest of the country, which admitted to indulging in sex less than once a month.

13. Sex causes you to crave more sex: When lovemaking takes place, it elevates the chemicals in your brain that are associated with desire. This means that when you have sex and enjoy your times of lovemaking, your libidos increase. This often increases your desire to have sex more often.[12] Maybe the converse is true. If we don’t do it, we’ll lose the desire? Or said another way, “Use it or lose it!

Footnotes:

[1] Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk, “Orgasms: Good for Body, Mind and Soul.” Found at http://www.sexualhealth.com/article.php?Action=read&article_id=401. Published 6.28.05. Viewed on 8.26.07.

[2] Ibid.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid.

[6] “The Secret Health Benefits of Orgasms,” by AskMen.com. Viewed at http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/0,,askmen_bgswkm45-p,00.html on 7.31.07.

[7] Ibid.

[8] Ibid.

[9] Ibid.

[10] Ibid.

[11] Ibid.

[12] Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, “Keep Sex Fun,” by Marriage Partnership. Article viewed at http://www.christianitytoday.com/global/printer.html?/mp/2006/004/3.38.html on 3.29.07.