This class was a great time of reflection. Each woman shared something about how the “definitions” from last week gave them some fun stuff to share with their husband. They each explained, in different ways, how they liked being able to shed new light on Song of Solomon to their mate. And what was fun for me was listening to how the discussions progressed after the wives shared the meanings with their husbands!

We had a good discussion on bedroom attire and I noticed every woman writing something down during this part of the class. I believe I may hear a couple of stories next week of how they went out and purchased something pretty to wear to bed.

After a time of reflection and teaching, I showed a DVD clip from Tommy Nelson’s Song of Solomon series. I play the session from Disc #2, Part 5, entitled, “The Art of Intimacy, Part 1.” This is the section of his seminar where he interprets and explains the words and meaning of Chapter 4 from Song of Solomon.

This chapter is all about the wedding night of Solomon and Shulamith–the foreplay and the inevitable consummation of their marriage. As I sit in a chair at the back of the room, behind the ladies during this clip, it’s fun for me to watch them as they begin to understand just how erotic, and fun, this time was for the royal couple. Nelson does such a fabulous job of helping a Christian see how God intended for marriage to be passionate, and pure–all at the same time. He is great at explaining what God really desires for a married couple in their sexual relationship.

While money may be an issue for you concerning Nelson’s seminar on DVD, I would encourage you to try and borrow this resource for sharing with your class. Maybe your church already owns this series, or would be willing to purchase it for a time of teaching in the future. Your class would greatly benefit from viewing it.

I encouraged my students to share what they learned with their husband at home, along with reading the commentary of Chapter 4 from the Appendix. This always proves to be an important part of this study because it helps them as a couple to understand that God desires them to enjoy the passion He created and that He blesses their sexual union.

I had one lady share how she had conversation with her husband last week about God being in the bedroom. She asked her husband if he was “there” yet, meaning was he able to openly invite God into their lovemaking. While he shared with her that he was not, they both were able to share with each other that they both desired to get to this point of being able to do this. I could tell that it was a very vital and important time of sharing in their marriage.

Once again, so much of what I love about this study is how it helps couples open up and begin communicating about a critical part of their marriage.

Having a smaller class this time has been very enjoyable for me. We have time to take a few “rabbit trails” during the course of the study; yet I find that we run out of time much too quickly. Ninety minutes should be enough, but I find I always wish for more.

Once again I encouraged them not to miss next week when I play Lorraine Pintus’ message on past sexual sin. I believe that no matter what the state of a woman’s marriage is, she can benefit from hearing this talk. For some women it has been life-changing by helping them to break the ties from past sexual relationships; for others, it has helped them to see that they have some wrong attitudes concerning sex in their marriage.

When I’m busy preparing for this class, I pray extra hard for the ladies that will hear the message and for God to make their hearts receptive to what He will say to them that night and in the weeks ahead. I pray that nothing will be a distraction to them and that they will be able to totally focus on the message.

More details to follow next week!

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Nancy DeMoss writes, “Whenever I speak on the subject of forgiveness, invariably someone will tell me, ‘I’ve never been able to forgive myself for what I’ve done.’ Interestingly, the Bible never speaks of the need to forgive ourselves. But I think what many of these women are really saying is they have never been able to feel forgiven for what they have done. They are still carrying a sense of guilt and shame over their failure.”[1]

There are several reasons why this persistent guilt is so common among Christians today. Many of us are “preaching Grace, but living by Law.” As a doctrine, we believe in grace, and we know intellectually God’s grace has “set us free from the law of sin and death.” However, as a practical matter, we act as though our sins are forgiven by acts of penance, as if our sacrifice, rather than Christ’s sacrifice could free us. If we live on this level, we will be prone to despair because we can never be sure we have done enough to “pay” for our sins.

Even more depressing is the subjective feeling we are “OK” and have done enough. This feeling will come and go, leaving us one day feeling forgiven, the next day wondering if there isn’t something else that needs to be done. We fear God has some ‘whammy’ waiting to strike us so that we will suffer some more.

The sad fact is the more realistic we are about our sins, the more hopeless we will feel as long as we try to atone for our own sins. In the words of the old hymn, “What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” Accepting what Christ has done for us, and not trying to “reclaim” our sins from Him so we can carry them a bit more, is the first step in getting past the shame and guilt.

When you sin, you sin against God. He is the One you need to turn to and ask for forgiveness. You aren’t sinning against yourself, but only against God. Scripture teaches God forgives you when you humble yourself and ask Him to forgive you. Then your sin is forgiven and He remembers it no more!

Forgetting

What usually happens to us when we sin is we have trouble forgetting about them in our mind. This is not entirely our own doing, since our Adversary’s chief tactic  (meaning Satan’s tactic) is to accuse us. Even sins God has already forgiven can still work as accusations if we are willing to listen to his lies. “You’re no good.” “You’ll never learn, never change, never win.” Satan brings these charges to our mind. If we allow ourselves to get bogged down reliving our failures, he will defeat us every time.

Something that is very helpful in the healing process is to learn to praise and thank God for forgiving your sin whenever one is recalled in your mind. Satan uses your past sins to keep you in bondage, so a victorious way to break free from this is to “turn the tables” on him.

The next time you recall a sin in your life, such as a past sexual sin, repent of that sin and ask God to forgive you. Once you do, He has! Then if you ever recall the memory of that sin again, turn the recollection into a praise and thank Him that you have already been forgiven!

As you do this over and over, you will find yourself thinking less and less about that sin. Satan hates your praises, so the more you praise God, the less Satan is going to enjoy tempting you with painful memories.

This is one of the promises God gives us in Scripture when He talks about how ALL things work together for good for those that love the Lord. In this case, the “good” that comes from God begins to help make the painful memories fade as you thank Him for His forgiveness, mercy, and love.

Set Free

If you find you continue to have trouble getting over your sins from the past and you keep beating yourself up over them, here’s some encouraging words. Shannon Ethridge shares the words her best friend said to her one day when she was “beating herself up over some past sin. This quote is from her book, Every Woman’s Battle:

“Do you know what you are saying about the blood that Jesus shed for you when you refuse to forgive yourself for your past? You are saying that His blood wasn’t good enough for you. It didn’t have enough power to cleanse you.” She was right. Underlying all of my self-pity was the belief that what Jesus did for me couldn’t possibly be enough to rid me of my stain. I needed some special miracle to set me free, and until I got that miracle, I had to beat myself up as an act of penance. If this rings true for you as well, then guess what? The Holy Spirit is telling you the same thing He told me back then: Jesus opened your prison door. It’s up to you to walk out![2]

It is a sad fact that sin begets more sin. Sins hardly ever come just one at a time. In Scripture, we read how David gazed upon Bathsheba, lusted after her, called her to his palace, slept with her, and conspired to murder her husband. When David gave into the sin of lust, the “domino effect” was set into motion. In the same way, brooding over past sin, even lamenting past sins over and over, makes you more likely to fall again.

In Ethridge’s book, she makes it clear that her failure to accept God’s forgiveness made her more vulnerable to further temptation. If you see yourself of little worth, and refuse to believe God desires to have a relationship with you, you’ll find yourself trying to seek His acceptance and intimacy elsewhere. However, it is not a love that can be found with other people; it is a love that can only be found in Him!

To break the cycle of never feeling forgiven, you must hold on to Christ, and to the promise that He has freed you. Then the sequence can turn around the other way, and one forgiveness can lead to another–one act of grace to the next. As God forgives you, and you live in that truth, you can gain the power to forgive those who’ve hurt you and begin to forget about the sins you’ve committed yourself.

Seek God through prayer and ask Him to help you begin the healing process for overcoming past sexual sins in your life. As He helps you each step of the way, you will begin to experience newly found freedom in your relationship with your husband and come closer to being “naked and unashamed” in your sexuality.

(This article is an excerpt from A Wife’s Invitation to Intimacy.)

Footnotes:

[1] Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free (Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 2001), 100.

[2] Shannon Ethridge, Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 2003), 134.

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If you decide to use door prizes for your class, I find using name cards very helpful. If you do, you will use these beginning in week 2.

I like to print off name cards onto heavy cardstock and print their names on the line provided. Here is an photo of what one looks like.(A master sheet with 6 blank name cards is included in the Colored Graphics package from the Leader’s Guide available for purchase on this site.)

I also laminate them using a 9 x 12 sheet of clear laminate as a way of prolonging the life of the cardstock, although this certainly is not necessary.

I keep the cards in a small container. I use a small, rectangular-shaped plastic container with a divider down the middle, which also has a lid. I use this for storing the cards from week to week.

Once class is underway, I pass the container around. If a student has completed her homework, she takes her name card from the side of the container with all the student name cards in it and places hers in the other side that says “completed homework.” If she hasn’t done the homework, her card remains where it is.

When everyone has finished passing around the container, I take the cards from the completed-homework side, turn the cards upside down in my hands, and have a student draw for the winner. The winner is then awarded the door prize and we all take a few moments to enjoy watching her unwrap her “treasure.”

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Sex before marriage is like giving your future mate the scraps.

If you gave yourself to someone sexually, especially someone other than your mate before you married, you became tied to that person(s) in a way God intended for us to only be tied sexually to our mate. It causes you to feel “less than whole” with your spouse. It can be like giving your mate the “scraps.” That’s because a part of you is missing from your sexual relationship.

If you gave yourself away before marriage, know that God will always forgive. All you have to do is ask Him to. Asking is easy and forgiveness is immediate, but sometimes it takes us time to feel whole again.

Read “How to Be Victorious Over Past Sexual Sin,” which is an excerpt from An Invitation to Intimacy and A Wife’s Invitation to Intimacy. While we all can learn from our past, it doesn’t have to dictate our future.

Get the help you need through reading and talking with close friends. And don’t forget to share God’s truths about sex and intimacy with your children when you believe they are ready. Use your experiences to help reclaim sex from the enemy and teach your children how God intended sex for marriage. They want to know, just like you did when you were growing up.

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(This is the second part of a four-part series entitled, “Hopes, Dreams, and Expectation”)

Here’s another way expectations can play out in a marriage: If neither spouse leaves, often one will conquer. The stronger of the two (physically or psychologically) gets their way. Their expectations get met, and the weaker partner gives way. If you are the winner, it can feel pretty good, but it’s very stressful to be on the losing side; and eventually the stress may lead to a breakdown or an eventual break-up in the marriage.

Then there’s a third scenario and it is called “compromise”—you do your part, I’ll do mine. I’ve got my friends, you have yours; you win some, I win some. This is probably the most common model of marriage, even in “successful” ones that are seen today. The problem is that it’s still managing expectations, and expectations have a way of ending up being stated as “You owe me.”  See if you’ve ever found yourself thinking like this:

• “When we got married, you promised to do_____, but you don’t.”
• “You said you’d love me, but…”
• “Yeah, well you said you’d submit, too, but…”

Expectations cause us to believe our spouse owes us something, and here is why expectations are so dangerous in marriage. If we owe things to each other, our marriage evolves into a debt-debtor relationship. In this type of relationship, there is no room for love. You see, nobody loves you simply for fulfilling a debt. All you’ve done is simply what’s expected of you. Here’s an example of what I mean.

If you pay your cell phone bill on time every month, the company doesn’t send you flowers! You don’t get any credit for simply meeting an expectation they have for you. In fact, the only way you get any attention in a debt-debtor relationship is to fail to meet the expectations placed upon you. In this situation, if you miss a few payments, you’ll get plenty of attention! They’ll send you cards in the mail! Why, they will even call you, and you won’t get a voice mail either! You will get personal attention all right, but it’s not the kind of attention you desire.

This is the way many marriages operate, too—you only get “personal attention” when you mess up. If we fulfill our spouse’s desires or dreams, we have done a wonderful thing and are praised. However, if we just meet their expectations, we don’t get any credit. We just make it up to “zero.” We simply “break even.” If “you owe me” is the driving force in my marriage, then I can’t really show my husband that I love him. There’s no room for sacrificial giving. All I can do is to try and jump high enough to clear the bar, and who knows where the bar will be today, tomorrow, or next year.

Now the answer to this dilemma is not to abandon all our desires. That might be the Buddhist answer—a position that states all sufferings are born of unfulfilled desires, so get rid of desire and you will never suffer. However, it is not the Christian answer. God created us to have desires and dreams, to be cherished and respected, to be appreciated and honored. Yet, we need to understand the critical difference between fulfilling a desire and meeting an expectation.

If I can satisfy one of my husband’s dreams or desires, then this is how I show my love for him. It leads to intimacy and romance. However, if I simply fulfill one of his expectations, then this attitude erodes intimacy and romance. The first situation is a covenant. It means, “I will, even if you won’t.” The second is a contract. It says, “I will, only if you do.” One way to tell where you are in all of this is simple. Start by looking at your life and see if you are (1) expressing gratitude and (2) performing acts of service. Ask yourself:

1. When was the last time I thanked my spouse?

2. When was the last time I did something to serve them—some simple task they are usually stuck with but I chose to do instead?

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Each week of teaching you will find quotes from different authors that I used to help illustrate different areas of study. Below, I have included links to most of the books I quote so you can see what they actually look like. I have listed the titles under the weekly heading when each book is first introduced.

Throughout this study, you may wish to purchase a copy of a particular book cited to add to your own personal library. You may even discover that you already own some of them.

When you click on the titles, you will be taken to Amazon for further explanations about each book. This will also give you an opportunity to purchase any that interest you.

I will continue to update this page as new and interesting titles become available that I enjoy using in my teaching. Feel free to send me your recommendations as well.

Week 1

Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus

Intimacy Ignited: Conversations Couple to Couple by Joseph and Linda Dillow, Peter and Lorraine Pintus

Pillow Talk: The Intimate Marriage from A to Z by Karen Scalf Linamen

Making Sense of the Men in Your Life: What Makes Them Tick, What Ticks You Off, and How to Live in Harmony by Kevin Leman

Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships: God’s Prescription for Enhancing Your Love Life by Chip Ingram

Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands by Gary L. Thomas

The Most Important Year in a Woman’s Life: What Every Bride Needs to Know by Bobbie Wolgemuth and Susan DeVries

God on Sex: The Creator’s Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage by Daniel L. Akin

Week 2

Fresh-Brewed Life: A Stirring Invitation to Wake Up Your Soul by Nicole Johnson

What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Sex: A Guide for Christian Men by Ryan Howes, Richard Rupp, and Steven W. Simpson

When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Christopher and Rachel McCluskey

The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy by Tommy Nelson

Intimate & Unashamed: What Every Man and Woman Needs to Know by Scott Farhart

Week 3

Solomon’s Song of Love: Let a Song of Songs Inspire Your Own Romantic Story by Craig Glickman

A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy by Douglas E. Rosenau

Week 4

No new books introduced this week

Week 5

His Brain, Her Brain: How Divinely Designed Differences Can Strengthen Your Marriage by Walt and Barb Larimore

Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men and Women by Anne Moir and David Jessel

Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Our Differences by Bill and Pam Farrel

Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs

Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Discovering One Word That Energizes Your Husband by Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs

Woman Power: Transform Your Man, Your Marriage, Your Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Week 6

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Is There Really Sex After Kids?: A Mom-to-Mom Chat on Keeping Intimacy Alive by Jill Savage

The Sexual Man: Masculinity Without Guilt by Archibald D. Hart

Making Love Meaningfully: The Purpose of Marital Intimacy by Charles M. and Virginia Sell

For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn

The 5 Love Needs of Men & Women by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg

Week 7

For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman

Week 8

Loving Your Body: Embracing Your True Beauty in Christ by Deborah Newman

Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage by Tim Alan Gardner and Scott M. Stanley

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge

Do You Think I’m Beautiful? The Question Every Woman Asks by Angela Thomas

Week 9

Mars and Venus in the Bedroom: A Guide to Lasting Romance and Passion by John Gray

Super Marital Sex: Loving for Life by Paul Pearsall

No Time for Sex: Finding the Time You Need for Getting the Sex You Want by David and Claudia Arp

God Is in the Bedroom, Too: The Pleasures of True Intimacy by P. B. Wilson

Week 10

Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment by Shannon Ethridge

The Purpose-Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? by Rick Warren

Becoming a Couple of Promise by Kevin Leman

What To Do When He Has a Headache: Renewing Desire and Intimacy in Your Relationship by Janet L. Wolfe

Week 11

Sex…According to God: How to Walk with Purity in a World of Temptation by Kay Arthur

Solomon on Sex: The Biblical Guide to Married Love by Joseph C. Dillow

Song of Songs: New International Commentary on the Old Testament by Tremper Longman III

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: Revised and Updated by William Cutrer and Sandra Glahn

Week 12

The Love List: Eight Little Things that Make a Big Difference in Your Marriage by Les and Leslie Parrott

When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages: How to Stay Together When Life Pulls You Apart by Leslie Parrott III

Staying Close: Stopping the Natural Drift Toward Isolation in Marriage by Dennis Rainey

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With so many demands throughout the day, many husbands and wives are pretty tired by the time the little ones are tucked in bed. And if your kids have grown to be teenagers, you’ve probably had times when they stay up even later than you do. What can a couple do to find time to be alone, and energy enough to do more than stare at each other when the alone time finally arrives?

How about having some sexual encounters in the morning? I know, many of you just aren’t in the habit of thinking about morning lovemaking. We’re rushed and we’ve got things to do before we head out the door. Many of us tend to think of lovemaking as something we do at the end of the day. But if you are continually running out of steam before you have the chance to be intimate, try exchanging date nights for date mornings for at least some of the time.

In many marriages, the husband’s sexual drive is greater than his wife’s, and he desires more frequent sex. Some of these morning encounters may end up being “quickies,” but not all have to be. A relaxed time of intimacy on a Saturday morning can be a great start to the weekend. Having the children watch cartoons can put a smile on their faces as well as yours.

In the Sloderbeck household, mornings usually begin with a cup of coffee. The coffee pot is on a timer, and we allow about 45 minutes at the beginning of our morning to enjoy this ritual. One of us will go to the kitchen, pour two cups of coffee, and then enjoy conversation while we drink it while we recline in each of our chairs. It’s a great way for us to connect in the mornings before Jim leaves for work.

Over the years, however, we’ve found that making a date for morning intimacy is worth it, even if we have to cut short our coffee time some mornings. Having awakened from a restful night’s sleep, we find our energy levels are at their peak.

Jeff Foxworthy, of “You might be a redneck” fame, once said, “When you’re young, and you have a choice between sex and sleep, you skip the sleep and go for sex. When you’re older, you go for sleep and hope you dream of sex!”

Sex before coffee can give you the best of both worlds.

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Experts that study marriage say our home is often the worst place to find romance because of all the distractions.[1] Does your home feel like this sometimes? Ideally, you want to create a place in your home where you and your spouse and enjoy a place of refuge with peace and quiet–a sanctuary of sorts.

In a book entitled, Intimacy Ignited, the authors describe a place in the Bible where David would run to for refuge and safety in the middle of the desert when ever he was trying to escape the wrath of King Saul. This sanctuary was known as Engedi.

Engedi was an oasis in the midst of a very dry land. Beautiful plants, various wild life, and fresh, clean water were plentiful. Even today, Engedi is an amazing contrast to the desert that surrounds it.

I really like what this image brings to mind and the atmosphere we would want to achieve in our homes, so for the remainder of this article, let’s refer to our bedrooms as “Engedi.”

Start by imaging what an oasis and sanctuary would be like in your home. What comes to your mind? What does this special place look like? Did you picture a secluded cabin in the woods? Was it a deserted beach?

Now ask yourself these questions:

• Why do these places “feel” so special?
• Why do they seem so “perfect” for lovemaking?

When we speak of making our bedrooms an Engedi, we are talking about trying to make them feel like a place we seek out–like a sanctuary. When we speak of a sanctuary, words like “retreat, oasis, a hideout,” and “safe shelter” come to mind.

Your Engedi should create a setting where you and your spouse feel relaxed and peaceful. It should actually be the most beautiful room in your home which will often become your favorite room as well.

In a book entitled, Intimate Issues, authors Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus say, “Walk into your bedroom and take a long look. Is it a place set for passionate love? If not, set the stage.”[2]

One of the activities I enjoy sharing with my students in my class on sex and intimacy in marriage is to as them several questions about the state of their “Engedi”:

• Is your bedroom a space that welcomes you?
• Is it clean and organized?
• Is it attractive and pleasing to look at?
• Is it a creative setting for your lovemaking?
• Is it a private, secure, and romantic hideaway?
• Is it a sanctuary for the king and queen of your home?

It always gets them thinking about this important space in their home–often for the first time from the point of view of taking the time and effort to make their bedrooms beautiful.

If you are reading this article with your spouse, or plan to discuss this idea with them, consider discussing this question: If you could snap your fingers and change anything about your bedroom, what would it be, and why? This usually begins a conversation between the two of you that can be enlightening, as well as productive with positive changes.

Maybe your Engedi needs a little work. Whatever you do, don’t let your Engedi frustrate you–simply decide to make some changes a little bit at a time and it can become what the two of you want and even enjoy doing together. Even if you both love the way your bedroom looks right now, you might read something here that inspires you to make some subtle changes–you know, those little things that can make Engedi even more special, now or in the future.

To begin, make sure Engedi ministers to your senses. God created us with the wonderful sense of seeing, tasting, hearing, touching, and smelling. Try to keep these in mind as you evaluate the following aspects of your bedroom.

1. Privacy. Make sure there’s a lock on your bedroom door and use it! Feeling secure during your lovemaking is critical for any woman. Safety from intruders (even small, friendly one) is at the top of a wife’s list in feeling relaxed!

2. Eliminate noises outside the bedroom. If you are easily distracted by noises outside your bedroom during lovemaking, you can try these tips:

• Run a floor fan or sound machine in your room to block out noises
• Play or turn up some music so you don’t hear noises outside your door

3. Have different types of lighting. Different forms of lighting will not only enhance your lovemaking, but can create a relaxing atmosphere.

• Consider plugging your lamps into dimmer switches, and replacing regular wall switches with these as well.
• Purchase small table lamps and use low-wattage bulbs
• Place strands of white Christmas-tree lights in artificial plants or trees if you use these as decorations in your bedroom
• Candlelight is very romantic; however, if you are sensitive to smells, purchase unscented ones or those with gentle fragrances like vanilla or almond

4. Make this space beautiful. Your mood can be greatly enhanced by what you see.

• Purchase a beautiful bed covering for your bed. Your bed takes up a large percentage of the space in your room, so make sure it is something you both enjoy looking at. (And be sure to make your bed every morning as well. “Make your bed–make your day” really pays off here.)
• Buy attractive curtains or shades for your windows
• Pillows can add a great deal of visual interest to a room. They also offer comfort and uniqueness to your times of lovemaking as props

5. Focus on your sense of hearing. Sounds like:

• Your favorite relaxing and romantic CDs playing can make your stress level from the day’s activities come down tremendously
• A small bubbling fountain trickling in the background can bring soothing and relaxing results

6. Enhance your sexual desire through smell. Try some of these ideas:

• Scented linen sprays you both enjoy
• Scented candles
• Ask your husband to wear your favorite after-shave lotion
• Buy your wife a favorite cologne that reminds you of her

I distinctly remember how this whole concept about Engedi first impacted me. Through my studies on sex and intimacy in marriage, I began to understand just how important Engedi is in my relationship with Jim. I tend to be a very practical person and I’m not very extravagant. However, I had underestimated how important it was to make our bedroom a place that was both beautiful and inviting to both of us.

The light bulb went off for me several years ago after I finished reading Intimate Issues. Literally, the next weekend I went shopping so I could beautify, and “sexify” our bedroom to make it more inviting and relaxing. It has proven to be some of the best money, and time, I’ve ever spent!

7. Train your children to respect your privacy. Teach your children to knock on your bedroom door before entering. Even a toddler can learn to do this. This reminds them that this is a special place for mom and dad. After all, it’s not their playroom.

Jim and I both want to encourage the two of you to brainstorm some ideas on how you, too, can improve your Engedi as you share ideas for giving it a well-deserved makeover and/or facelift!

(This article is an excerpt from the Couple’s Workbook for a Bible study on Song of Solomon entitled, Passionate Partnership: A Couple’s Invitation to Intimacy.

Footnotes:

[1] Lorilee Craker, We Should Do This More Often: A Parents’ Guide to Romance, Passion, and Other Pre-Child Activities You Vaguely Recall (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 2005), 43.

[2] Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 1999), 223.

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We started off this class by sharing Linda Dillow’s comments with the two ladies that missed listening to her message last week. Although the other ladies who were there last week had not used their bows yet, we all had fun talking about the possibilities. I also shared with the ladies some of the stories others had shared with me personally about how they had used their bows. It was fun!

Following this discussion, we began talking about personal beauty. For a woman, this is always a big area to work through. While there was nothing “surprising” about the discussion, it was good therapy to talk about what determines our attitude about how we perceive our bodies, and then how our husband perceives our body, too.

One woman shared how it really helped her to read in the Student Workbook about looking at your family’s body makeup as a whole. Because her mother has struggled with certain body issues during her lifetime, this lady also realized there are just going to be specific things about her body she isn’t going to be able to “fix.” While this can be frustrating at times, it also helps to be realistic about what battles to fight.

Another area we touched upon briefly was that of how to help our daughters as they grow up. Trying to teach them about beauty and being content with their own personal body image can certainly be a challenge these days. As it turns out, all of us in this class homeschool our children, and although it doesn’t make us immune to outside influences, we all agreed that we have a special opportunity to help our girls on a regular basis to learn how to be thankful for the body God gave them. We then kidded about how this could help us, too!

Between talking about the area of shame and guilt, and then how Satan is beautiful and works hard to get women to be discontent with their bodies, we only had a few minutes to begin the discussion on sex with children around your knees. Plus, we didn’t even get to talk about the whole idea of our bedrooms being like Engedi.

Next week, I’d better do the mental exercise about Engedi and a quick summary or else it will cause the bedroom discussion in week 12 to be lacking. Oh well, as many teachers know–it doesn’t always turn out the way you planned.

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Maintaining a healthy sex life is the goal of most married couples, yet when either partner feels disconnected from their mate sexually, it can be frustrating trying to figure out why.

I was reading recently about ways to develop a great sex life and I realized that sometimes our sexual relationship is greatly hindered by things as common as anger or tension.

When we are angry with our mate, we may not always say anything verbally to them, but instead we will exhibit our discontent with our spouse simply by withholding our affections from them. This is often “communicated” by a lack of sexual desire or indifference to lovemaking. It can even be felt by our mate when we find ourselves “going through the motions,” but our hearts are a million miles away.

If you suspect your spouse is angry about something or with you, pray for a time to speak with them. Lovingly share that you want to know what is upsetting them and are willing to listen and try to work things out. Remember to speak using “I” sentences, rather than contemptuous ones like, “You this, and you that.”

While anger and misunderstandings will happen in a marriage, sometimes lovemaking doesn’t happen because of stress. We all know that modern life is stressful, even when the two of us are getting along. Things like financial responsibilities, family obligations, and work-related issues can wreck havoc on our sex lives, yet learning to communicate and figuring out ways to deal with stress are critical because stress is almost impossible to avoid.

If you suspect your spouse is overly stressed, try talking to them to find out what is bothering them. Even when you think you know, it is always validating to your spouse to allow them to voice their thoughts to you. Sometimes what you think is the problem may not be totally what is going on. Consider saying something like, “I sense that you are tense about… Is there any way I can help?” Be sure to listen attentively, offering support and empathy. Your willingness to provide a listening ear is a guaranteed way of building intimacy between you both.

While you are conversing, look for an opportunity to touch your mate. Something as simple as a backrub or massage during your conversation can bring calmness of spirit to your spouse because touching can be very therapeutic for relieving stress.  Consider offering a long soak in a bubble bath or some time in the hot tub can provide opportunities for relaxing and be a sexual turn-on for your mate.