Juicebox Confession

I have moved!!!!

2014-06-20T09:12:00.002-04:00

Hi Dear Readers!!!

I have moved my site. Your email subscriptions may not work anymore. Head over to http://juiceboxconfession.com/ and resubscribe. You will find it in the shiny new sidebar.

Thank you for reading!!

XOXO
-Michelle

Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Mint

2014-06-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

When I received my email for this month’s challenge I was excited by the words assigned to me. I felt motivated to do something really special with them. Then I saw who submitted them. Karen of Baking In A Tornado, the mastermind and ringleader behind these fantastic challenges. I knew I had to try something new.

Summer has settled in here in the Northeastern US. The warm days outnumber the cool ones for the most part. The unending and bitter cold days of winter have faded and my yard has sprouted all sorts of goodies.

One of those goodies is chocolate mint. My best friend had gifted me a single plant a couple years ago and I planted it outside my kitchen door and, if we are being honest, showered it with an amazing amount of neglect. It did not seem disturbed in the least bit as a matter of fact it has flourished. I was determined to actually do something with it besides stopping to inhale it’s chocolaty minty goodness.

I have always preferred to cook with fresh ingredients, cooking from scratch over anything processed from a box. My husband’s multiple food allergies and Celiac’s shifted our eating years ago. I found that my four-month battle with morning sickness had left me lacking in motivation to create delicious foods for my family. This mint that perfumed my yard from my door all the way to my maple trees was a constant reminder that I should look as close to home as possible for inspiration.

As I picked the hundredth leaf of the season and rubbed it between my fingers, releasing the tummy soothing scent, it hit me. Gluten free brownies. Chocolate mint gluten free brownies. I had everything I needed so I got to work.

The biggest trick with gluten free (gf) baking is moisture/tenderness. GF goodies can quickly become dry and crumbly. I scoured the internet and no one had the recipe I wanted. I decided that I needed to create these brownies completely. I took guidance from a handful of recipes, my own experience with gf ingredients, and that amazing green mint growing feet away from me.

As I mixed and measured I felt my mind settle into the rhythm of baking. I no longer thought about my nausea or our impossibly tight budget. Instead, I thought about each ingredient and how they would work together to make a (hopefully) delicious treat for my family. I realized how much I love being in my kitchen and how much I had missed it. I was able to appreciate my family’s rejection of living a faster-is-better lifestyle and instead focusing on slower, simpler approach. As I stirred the batter and scrapped it into the pan I felt a sense of calm, a sense of deep gratitude for the little things.

Once the brownies had baked and cooled I called my family to come have a seat. It was the moment of truth. When someone you love takes a bite of something you made just for them and silence takes over, you know you succeeded. The reviews came pouring in after a quick chug of milk.

“These are some of the best brownies I have ever had!” My husband declared.

My daughter smiled at me when I asked her what she thought. “They are so good!” Her smile grew wider, “can I have more, Momma?”

Can’t argue with those reviews.

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Chocolate-Chocolate-Chocolate Mint Gluten Free Brownies

Ingredients:

- ½ cup gluten free all purpose flour blend

- ½ cup unsweetened coca powder

- ¼ teaspoon gluten free baking powder

- ¼ teaspoon salt

- ¾ cup PLUS 2 tablespoons granulated cane sugar

- ½ cup softened unsalted butter (1 stick)

- 2 large eggs

- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

- 1 cup chocolate chips (I used dark)

- ¼ cup chopped fresh chocolate mint

Prep:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F/ 176 degrees C for metal pan or 325 degrees F/ 163 degrees C for glass pan

Grease 8x8-inch pan with butter or coconut oil

Batter:

Sift together gf flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, salt and sugar. Set aside.

In large mixing bowl combine butter, eggs, vanilla and chocolate chips. Mix until well combined.

Slowly stir in dry mixture. Batter will be thick and fudgey. Gently mix in chopped mint leaves.

Scrap batter into greased pan.

Bake for 22 minutes, making sure you do not over cook as brownies will become hard. Cool in pan for 15-20 minutes before cutting and serving.

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My words were: wider ~ faster ~ disturbed ~ unending ~ motivated ~ trees

They were submitted by: http://Bakinginatornado.com

This post is part of the Use Your Words Challenge. Participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words are to be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knew who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

Check out the other fabulous participants here:

http://bakinginatornado.com Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/ The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com Battered Hope

http://www.healingtomato.com Healing Tomato

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com Evil Joy Speaks

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com The Sadder But Wiser Girl

No More What-Ifs

2014-06-06T10:00:00.000-04:00

Imagine you have to undergo eye surgery. Unfortunately there is a chance it won't be successful, and you'll go blind. To make up for the risk, the insurance company is paying for a whole month of soaking up memories. What do you want to see and do?

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This prompt left me asking so many questions. First was, why would I be having eye surgery? Is it elective? In that case, this whole hypothetical situation is a moot point. I do not do elective surgery. But, what if it was medically necessary? What would it be treating? What could it possibly be correcting with such a high risk? If I opted out of surgery, what would be the worst case scenario? (Blindness seems like pretty much the worse thing to happen as far as your eyes go.....)

If I take this prompt at face value, not asking any further questions, I end up with a pretty quick answer.

I do nothing. I continue on with my life as usual. Trying to cram in memories leads to disappointments and more heartbreak. Instead, I would continue on living the way I do now. For every moment.

Simple, easy.

But, if I was to elaborate, I would say that I refuse to give this scenario much thought. Life is full of what ifs. Moments that could go wrong and alter your future forever. Worrying and pondering will not change the outcome but it will interfere with the moments you still have.

This prompt was a challenge in many ways. I wanted to write more, post something I really loved. But the reality, the truth is, I don't love this prompt. I don't like "what ifs." I have no time for them, I allowed them to rule my life for way too long, years ago. I am done worrying about what may be, what could be, and am focused on what is.

I have way too much to be thankful for to waste time worrying about the things I cannot change.

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This post is part of a Secret Subject Swap. This week, 15 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.My topic was submitted by, Confessions of a part-time working mom

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools

http://dinoheromommy.com/ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://morethancheeseandbeer.blogspot.com More Than Cheese and Beer

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius

http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/ Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com Crumpets and Bullocks

http://fbxadventures.blogspot.com FBX Adventures (In Parenting)

http://elleroywashere.com elleroy was here

http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com Climaxed

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com Evil Joy Speaks

Love Of Four

2014-06-05T21:11:00.001-04:00

This is a piece I had previously posted. I love it so much I thought, in honor of our twelve year anniversary, I would rework it and re-post.

__________________________________________________

I grabbed his hand as though his weight alone would anchor me to the ground we stood on. “It is beautiful” he said, eyes fixed on the millions of stars that illuminated the sky above us.

It was, indeed, beautiful. All those tiny pinpoints twinkling against an endless velvety dark blue void. My pulse quickened. My head felt weightless. I held onto his hand tighter. Between feeling so incredibly small, falling in love, and my extreme fear of all things huge and unknown, I wasn’t sure if I was going to lose consciousness or vomit. Maybe both.

When I was a little girl I would proudly announce that I was going to be a ballerina and an astronaut when I grew up. I wanted to dance on the moon. I absorbed every book I could find about the solar system. I would recite the planets (in order from the sun, of course), to anyone willing to listen. The idea of something so big that we hadn’t found the end to yet, fascinated me.

My curiosity-filled innocence slowly faded and in its place stood anxiety, fear, and panic. These things, at times, consumed me. I no longer looked at the sky in awe and amazement. I avoided looking up at all out of fear of what may be, of what I didn’t know. I would glance at a harvest moon and momentarily forget that I was fearful. Then a wave of panic would awaken me from my daydream and anxiety would settle in once again.

Then I met him. We spent our first summer under dark and moody skies. Thunderstorm after thunderstorm rolled through. We would watch from my truck as the sky changed from clear blue to steely grey to black. Together we watched lightning rip through the clouds. Claps of thunder echoed in my ears along with the pounding of my completely smitten heart.

Warm nights filled with star gazing and storytelling. I started to forget my fears. As long as he was beside me, I could do anything. The unknown was a beautiful place to be.

Four years later, we married on a beautiful October day. The sun warmed my bare shoulders and made his blue eyes sparkle brighter than the sky. Later that night, we surrounded ourselves with friends and celebrated our union. I found myself looking up at the stars. The infinite unknown didn’t seem so scary. It seemed hopeful, promising. Maybe not knowing was better after all.

Another four years and we were holding our first child in our arms. She was born on a summer day, one just like when we fell in love eight years earlier. This time, we were falling in love with a brand new little person, one we created. I held him, afraid that if I let go, I would float away and awake, finding that all this was just a dream.

Our daughter is nearly four and we have a baby on the way now. She asks about the sky and the stars. I gaze up, feeling the new life we created gently roll and kick while a small hand grasps mine. Together we look at the night sky. I hold my family, to keep me firmly on the ground. I still feel those rushes but I know that I have them to hold me. I have him.

I have moments where I find myself looking at the sky, in awe of all that I have. I am overwhelmed with gratitude, for us, for our life, for him. It is in those moments that I still reach out and grab his hand, hoping that his weight alone will anchor me to the ground.

He looks over at me, his eyes still sparkling like that clear October sky, his voice the same as it was on those warm summer nights so many years ago, “It is beautiful”, he says.

Yes, my love, it is beautiful.

I grabbed his hand as though his weight alone would anchor me to the ground we stood on. “It is beautiful” he said, eyes fixed on the millions of stars that illuminated the sky above us.

Warm nights filled with star gazing and storytelling. I started to forget my fears. As long as he was beside me, I could do anything. The unknown was a beautiful place to be.

Four and a half years later, we married on a beautiful October day. The sun warmed my bare shoulders and made his blue eyes sparkle brighter than the sky. Later that night, we surrounded ourselves with friends and celebrated our union. I found myself looking up at the stars. The infinite unknown didn’t seem so scary. It seemed hopeful, promising. Maybe not knowing was better after all.

It has been nearly 12 years since our first summer. We have a daughter now. She asks about the stars and the moon. Together we look at the night sky. I hold them both, to keep me firmly on the ground. I still feel those rushes but I know that I have them to hold me. I have him.

He looks over at me, his eyes still sparkling like that clear October sky, “It is beautiful”, he says.

Yes, my love, it is beautiful.

- See more at: http://www.juiceboxconfession.com/2014/01/love-in-sky.html#sthash.t62HjVZb.dpuf

I grabbed his hand as though his weight alone would anchor me to the ground we stood on. “It is beautiful” he said, eyes fixed on the millions of stars that illuminated the sky above us.

Warm nights filled with star gazing and storytelling. I started to forget my fears. As long as he was beside me, I could do anything. The unknown was a beautiful place to be.

He looks over at me, his eyes still sparkling like that clear October sky, “It is beautiful”, he says.

Yes, my love, it is beautiful.

- See more at: http://www.juiceboxconfession.com/2014/01/love-in-sky.html#sthash.t62HjVZb.dpuf

Bowl

2014-06-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

We have a bowl made by some pretty amazing local artists called a Home Bowl. It was given to us before the birth of first child. After her birth my husband photographed her in the bowl. What better representation of our home than our daughter.

Image copyright Zachary Stephens 2010

These days our Home Bowl holds treasures lovingly gathered by the hands of our now nearly four year old. As I sit here looking at it while I feel our newest child roll and kick in my belly, I am overwhelmed with memories and love.

Something that others may perceive as a simple, beautiful bowl is so much more to us. To us, it holds more treasures that anyone can see.

Words and Image copyright v noelle 2013

Perfectly Imperfect

2014-05-25T09:36:00.004-04:00

I have been seeing a lot of posts and memes swirling around the internet stating things like, “No mom is perfect,” or “No one's life is as perfect as it is on Facebook,” or “Perfection is impossible.”

It is making me a little sad. Has “perfect” become a four letter word? Do we truly believe that perfect is unachievable? That our lives will never be perfect? Have we collectively given up?

Except, I don’t agree with any of this. I believe that people need to redefine perfection. All of us. I see perfection everywhere. Perfect isn’t a straight line, like we have been led to believe. Perfection is that squiggly line our toddlers draw across a piece of paper for the first time. It is in their smile, their pride in their creation. It is in our darkest moments, in our frustration, in our weaknesses. It is in the hope for the future, in the kindness of strangers. It is in simplicity and complications. It is the details, the moments in between the milestones.

My life is chaotic and messy. We have ups and downs, dark hours and hours of joy. The noise is deafening, the mess is maddening but, you know what? It is perfect. Even when my daughter is ignoring my words and I am trying my best not to vomit with morning sickness, it is perfect. It is perfectly imperfect and just the way I want my life to be. Every choice, every mistake, every moment has brought me to this place in time. To my family and my life. To me, that is perfection.

I don’t want a house out of a magazine, the ones all white and shiny and untouched. I want my 50-year-old house, with peeling paint and messy kitchen table. I want a sink full of dishes and a hallway that works as a megaphone for laughter. I want the mess because it shows that we are living our lives. We are having fun. We are not so focused on this crooked ideal of the “perfect home” that we loose touch with our dreams. We know that sometimes the perfect day is saying no to chores and yes to outside. Sometimes, it is saying no to outside and yes to chores. Either way, life fills these walls and no interior decorator could replicate that kind of perfection.

I don’t want the children with perfect hair and clothes. I don’t want pressed dresses and a scrubbed clean sheen. I love my dirty, happy, smiling child. I love her grass stained knees and her elaborate stories. The smell of dirt and fresh air in her wild hair is tangible proof of her adventuring spirit. A spirit we nurture in the name of our own version of perfection. Not one we quash to achieve the ideal kid. To us, she is perfect.

Maybe our perfect is different than yours. I actually hope it is. That is the beauty in it all. There is no one-size-fits-all ideal for perfection. YOU make it what YOU want it to be. Maybe you want the magazine home and children. Maybe, to you, that seems impossible. But to me, perfection is achieved the moment your life takes your breath away and is renewed with every breathless moment thereafter. Every tear that is shed is an opportunity to relish the joys in life. How perfect is that?

Please, do not stop talking about how happy your life is. I will not stop sharing photos of the chaotic love we share, of the moments that make me melt into a pile of sobbing gratitude. Please do not look at a smiling mom or dad and think, “There is no way their life is THAT perfect,” because, to them, it may just be. I promise to also share in my challenges and my frustrations. I will give them the attention they need so that when the storm passes, I can see the rainbow with that much more relief.

With so much sad in the world, so much anger and hate, I choose to redefine perfection. I choose to see the opportunity for lightness on the other side of the dark. I choose to balance the good with the bad. I choose to live a life filled to the brim with gratitude and if it comes across as unbelievable perfection, I hope you choose to believe it. Believe it because I fought for my perfection. It is built on years of struggle and tears, disappointment and fear.

Believe it because it is mine, I made it. I believe in yours. This is our perfect, it is perfectly imperfect and messy as hell, let’s not change it for anything.

Adventuring

2014-05-21T15:23:00.001-04:00

Adventuring is what we do. It is how we spend our time. The past few months have limited my ability to adventure much further than my own back yard. Now that the days are sunnier, the air is warmer, and I am having a few nausea free days, the adventures have resumed.

Here is to a Summer of many adventures.

Extraordinary Ordinary Day

2014-05-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

I have been shying away from doing many writing challenges. I have not had the focus or energy to put into them but I couldn't say no to Karen over at Baking In A Tornado. So, I threw caution to the wind and signed up for just one. Use Your Words.

I made sure to put a reminder in my calendar for two days before it was due to be posted. That way, I would have plenty of time to concoct the perfect post.

Then it was a full moon. I was careless or maybe just pregnant and mushy brained. Whatever the excuse, it is currently 13 hours before this post is to go live and I am frantically typing away.

In my defense, I had concrete plans to write today. Then the sun came out and the playground beckoned. We spent three hours at the park. By the time we got home my daughter was covered, head to toe, in dirt. A sure sign that it was time well spent. Time I could have spent writing but I can write later.

We came home long enough to set up the indoor tent and spend some time "camping". I got to hear insightful campfire stories about stars and tress as told through the eyes and words of a three year old. Nothing is better than hearing her stories. Plus, I can write later.

After our camping trip came to a much to early end, we left to meet my husband for dinner. We had a great conversation while our adorable daughter sang at the top of her lungs and wooed the waitstaff. It was one of those everyday moments that was truly spectacular. A moment I wouldn't have traded for anything. I can just write later.

I also learned a rather predictable lesson: eating far too much delicious food and then walking up hill to the car will leave even a three month pregnant lady breathless. I also learned that it was entirely worth it. While trying to catch my breath I remembered this challenge. It is fine, I thought, I can write it later.

We wrapped up the evening by meeting friends and having great conversations while our kiddos rode their bikes and scooters until the sun started to slip behind the mountains. Hearing the laughter of five kids with bikes a puppy was the perfect ending to a typical but amazing day. All I had left to do was write.

It is finally later. My daughter is asleep, my husband curled up on the couch. The dogs have been fed and let out and are on their beds, breathing slowly. As my fingers glide over this keyboard, telling the story of this day, I am reminded just how blessed I am. Sure, this post would have been a different piece if I had written it earlier. Maybe it would have been better. But one thing is for certain, I would have missed out on some pretty amazing moments if I hadn't decided to write later.

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Today’s post was a writing challenge. This is how it worked: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique, as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

Check out all the participating bloggers, see what words they got, and how they used them.

I used: Breathless ~ Careless ~ Insightful ~ Predictable ~ Throw caution to the wind ~ Full Moon

They were submitted by: http://www.healingtomato.com

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

http://bakinginatornado.com Baking In A Tornado

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com Battered Hope

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius

http://fbxadventures.blogspot.com FBX Adventures (In Parenting)

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.outmannedmommy.com Outmanned

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com Evil Joy Speaks

http://www.healingtomato.com Healing Tomato

http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes

Life

2014-05-14T18:54:00.000-04:00

I have not been posting/writing much these days. The sun has made it's yearly debut and we have been venturing outside as much as possible. Hours are spent in the yard or at the park or on an adventure to find treasures in the forest.

Meanwhile, I am still feeling the familiar queasiness that comes with early pregnancy. I am in the second trimester so it is starting to wane but it still throws me off my game some days. In addition to physically feeling slightly drained, I have been emotionally distracted. I am at a constant battle with myself to simply enjoy this immense amount of gratitude and squash the anxiety that tragedy could be around the next bend. There is nothing that has triggered any worry, other than my past. It is hard to shake.

I am working on faith. Trusting in the Universe. Believing that sometimes too-good-to-be-true is actually reality being amazing. It is tough. The bad stuff is easier to believe in sometimes.

I do love that while the world around me is starting to bloom and grow new life, so am I. It is an amazing connection I have right now with nature and it is helping to ground me and focus my thoughts. I am forever grateful for reminders that no matter how harsh the Winter, the world blooms and grows every Spring.

With this new life and growth I feel a shift in my writing. I am feeling more reflective and the need to keep a journal of our ever changing lives. My sweet husband and I are finding that we kind of lost a lot of what we found important. We pushed aside some of our values for the sake of acceptance and convenience. But, as we are realizing, it has taken it's toll on our happiness and that just will not do. It is back to basics for us. Back to the fiber of our beings. Back to living a life that is so incredibly beautiful and full of gratitude.

Feels good to be free from a self-imposed oppression of sorts. So, here we are. We made it through a bitter cold Winter. My own psyche may have suffered but all will be forgotten soon. Spring has a way of washing away Winter's torments.

Here is what we have been up to in the past week or so. Thanks, as always for sticking around and reading. Stay tuned for a Spring celebration giveaway coming soon!!

Ice cream dates are the best.

Even a simple dandelion becomes exquisite when given with as much love as this one was.

A rainbow cookie to match her rainbow dress on a grey day.

Sun worship.

This. Her. Love, big big love.

Gluten free cake for my father-in-law's birthday. Gratitude for family and cake. Always.

Mother's Day treasures from a woodland adventure.

Orchids for Mother's Day. So beautiful.

Life's Work

2014-05-10T09:02:00.002-04:00

Some people are born knowing their direction in life, what they are to be. Others receive a calling

later. A clear sign of what direction they should head in.

I am part of the latter.

I spent many, many years pursuing various interests only to realize that they were not what I was meant to do. I watched as people around me worked and sacrificed to realize their dreams. They moved across the country, they worked numerous jobs to pay for school; they stayed awake longer than humanly possible, all in the name of their life’s work.

I was envious. There wasn’t anything I was willing to move mountains for, nothing that I would up-heave my life in order to obtain. I wondered if somehow I had missed my sign. That maybe I had been sent the calling but never realized it enough to answer.

I drifted along, trying to avoid eye contact with my future. When conversation turned to “someday” I stayed as vague as possible. My “someday” consisted of a family; a career, a calling, never entered my daydreams.

I wanted to be a mom. But after so many years of fighting for women’s liberation, for equality, was I doing my gender, myself, a disservice by wanting to be “only” a mother? I didn’t know, so I kept my goals to myself.

I was told my life would change the moment my first child was born. I was told it would never be the same. The tones of these warnings were always cautionary. “Enjoy your life while you can,” style warnings. I appreciated the concern for my impending loss of freedom but approached motherhood the way I approached most things in my life, I would have to figure it out on my own, making my own opinions and conclusions along the way.

The moment my eyes met my daughter’s for the first time everything changed. My life, for the first time in 30 years, had meaning, direction. I had found my calling. My life would never be the same and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I wasn’t raised in a strong religious family. My grandparents attended church and I would occasionally tag along. I envied the people who worshipped with such faith and conviction. I hoped that I would find that some day.

Then I became a mother. I finally knew what it was like to have complete and utter faith in something. To believe so strongly that you would lay your life on the line for it. I understood what it was like to believe, unwaveringly, in something I could not see, smell, or touch. I had found my faith in my child and in love. Pure, absolute, love.

I finally found something that I would move mountains for. Something I would lose sleep to make happy. I had found the thing I would walk across the Earth to keep. I found my calling in motherhood, in love.

Some days are hard. I wonder if this really is what I was meant to do. I struggle to keep my head above water meanwhile the bathroom is flooding. But then, just as I am about to take a giant breath before my head submerges, she says it. “I love you mommy.”

I gasp for air. I can hear those words every day for a million years and they will always take my breath away while somehow making it easier to breath.

She gives me faith in myself. She makes me believe that I can, in fact, do this. She makes me want to be a better person, so she will have someone worth looking up to. She, and her unborn sibling, are my calling.

During my darkest days, when I feel like I am failing, I sit quietly and look at the life I created with my husband. I think about how big she loves. I think about all she is to do. I think about how blessed I am to know her, then I allow myself to realize, this was my doing. I am raising one hell of a kid; clearly I am doing something right.

There will always be days full of tears and fits. There will be fights and struggles. But, through it all I know that I chose this life. I chose to have a family, to become a mother and in doing so, I found myself. I found my potential, I found my dreams, I found my voice.

This Mother’s Day, I celebrate my children. I celebrate the life that will never be the same. I celebrate the sleepless nights and the spread too thin days. I celebrate the good and the bad. I celebrate love. I celebrate it all because it is all that I have, and I couldn’t be happier.

A Rainbow Of Hope

2014-04-27T19:07:00.002-04:00

A “rainbow baby” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of

the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of light, color, energy and hope.

We have endured multiple storms in our quest for a family. Our daughter was born after a devastating loss. She softened the damage that storm had caused. It was easier to heal with her presence. She gave us hope. She was our dreams and love personified.

Becoming parents was one of the best things to ever happen to my husband and I. (Tied with meeting and subsequently marrying.) The moment I locked eyes with this tiny person that I had helped in creating, my purpose in life became clear. I was born to be her mom.

The long nights of the newborn months were laced with sweet moments all making the exhaustion worth it. Involuntary smiles became intentional grins. Coos became words. Belly flops soon turned into steps. Before we knew it, our baby was a toddler.

Adding to our family became our next great project. We would create yet another masterpiece. Unfortunately, it didn’t go as planned. We struggled to conceive. And when we finally did, I miscarried. Three times. After the last loss we were unable to conceive again. We tried for two years with no results.

My heart was in a million pieces and I needed to heal. I couldn’t look at my husband’s worried face without wanting to cry. I needed to stop. We needed to stop.

After a discussion that spanned weeks and miles, we decided that our family was everything we ever wanted. We were all happy, healthy, and there was an abundance of love. If this is what was in the cards for us, we would consider ourselves blessed. We didn’t want to spend another minute worrying about what may or may not be and instead wanted to focus on what was.

We had endured some turbulent storms. But we endured. We never lost hope we just shifted our dreams. We spent weeks and months cleaning up the wreckage from our storms. Healing and practicing gratitude for all that we have, all that we love. Our focus was on the here and now, no longer living in a cloud of unknowns and uncertainties.

At some point during our healing something happened, a miracle of sorts. A tiny little change, an unperceivable shift. We may never fully know what happened, it may forever stay a mystery. All we know is that something major was about to happen. A dream, revisited.

Hope is a funny thing. You may give up on it. You may even change what it is you are hoping for. But hope never gives up on you. It stays there, in the way back of your mind, just waiting to be fired back up. Same theory goes for dreams. Especially the ones you shelved, thinking it was what you wanted, the right thing to do.

Slowly, but surely, a rainbow is forming. Our storms are gone, but will never be forgotten. We will bare the scars forever but those scars will be softened by this counterbalance of hope. The clouds are slowly giving way to sunshine but the darkness they cast will be felt forever.

After holding our breaths for two months and realizing that a dream we thought we had moved on from was still very much in our hearts, we are, still cautiously but optimistically, expecting our second child later this year. This is one of those dreams that you do not seek out. It finds you, on it’s own terms, in it’s own time.

My heart will always ache for the babies that should have, could have been. It was an honor to be their mom, even for the briefest of moments. I am beyond grateful for this chance to have another child. There are so many families that never get this moment. I know that we have been blessed with miracles twice. I will never take a moment with them for granted. We weathered too many storms.

This week we got to hear our baby’s heartbeat. Listening to the beautiful thumping reduced me to tears. Of happiness, of relief, of hope. Hope that refused to give up on us.

A Thankful Announcement

2014-04-24T11:56:00.001-04:00

You guys. YOU GUYS!! I barely have words.

And I am a writer.

I apologize for my recent absence, I have been distracted. I have been floating about 12 feet above the ground, trying to make sense of some amazing news, all while battling debilitating sickness.

Morning sickness.

WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!

Let me catch my breath and I will share the story.

Ok, here it goes. As you know, we have had our share of struggles and losses. After years of trying, we decided it was in the best interest of our family and our collective sanity, to stop trying to have another child. We mourned the baby that would never be and eventually found ourselves coming to terms with what our family was to look like.

One child had it's advantages and we were happy. Isn't that ultimately the goal? Happiness. For us it was and the thought of anymore losses and heartbreaks was unbearable. We had been blessed with a happy, healthy, amazing little girl. We were happy.

By the end of February, I started feeling different. Slightly nauseous and extremely tired. Could it be? Could I be? The test took no time in confirming what I both hoped for and feared. I was pregnant.

This time was different though. My symptoms were intense. Much more so than with any of the pregnancies I had lost. The day of my 7 week ultrasound came. All we need was a heartbeat. There was so much hope in that tiny flicker. I could hear my husband exhale when our smiling doctor said, "There you go! See that? That is a healthy heart."

We were to come back in a month for another scan, to make sure our itty bitty baby was growing.

I held my breath for the next 4 weeks.

And grow s/he did. We have a wriggly baby with arms, legs, spine, and that glorious heartbeat. Hearing that thumping was indescribable.

So here we are. I am finishing up the first trimester. Still nauseous but I find comfort in knowing that it will lead me to our baby. A baby we never expected to happen. A baby we ached for. A baby our daughter has begged us for. A baby that is loved so much already.

*You may only see a grey blob but I see a future that we had given up on. (Baby is looking down, spine along the top, head to the right, chin to chest, star over face to protect their fetal identity, of course.)*

Less Words Wednesday: Adventure

2014-04-23T20:57:00.000-04:00

We celebrate Easter in a wonderful mix of traditional baskets and egg hunts swirled together with our own eccentric beliefs and leanings.

It was a beautiful day so we did what we do best, we adventured. What better way to celebrate Spring and the return of green and lush landscapes?

It was magnificent.

Hope Over Fear

2014-04-21T01:00:00.000-04:00

*NOTE: This piece was originally written on April 19, 2013, days after the Boston Marathon bombings. Later that day, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was found hiding in a boat in Watertown and arrested. This was published in the Brattleboro Reformer a week later on April 27. 2013.*
_____

I had woken before my daughter. A rarity, but to be expected after a fitful night’s sleep filled with anxiety. Shootings at a Boston area college, officer down, suspect fatally wounded, the other on the run. Morning had seemed unattainable.

A swirl of emotions and exhaustion clouded my brain as I checked my sleeping daughter one last time before heading into the living room. I clicked the power button on the radio. NPR had a special broadcast. “People across Boston and surrounding suburbs have been told to stay indoors amid a massive police manhunt for one of two brothers suspected of carrying out the Boston Marathon bombings.....”

I set about my morning routine, listening, thinking. An entire city on lockdown. A 19 year old child, who may have committed crimes beyond my comprehension was seriously wounded and on the run. Somewhere a mother had lost both her sons. One to death and one to today’s events. A manhunt and ultimately, I predict, a long prison sentence. Both gone to her as soon as they made the decision to attack a city. Meanwhile, my child was safe and asleep in our bed, just like every night since her birth 32 months earlier.

I folded laundry and organized my thoughts. Washed the dishes and tried to soothe my swirling mind. Behind me I heard the distinct and light steps of an awake and smiling girl.

“Hi Momma!”

“Good morning, sweetheart! Hungry?”

NPR droned on while I made my daughter pancakes. Speculation flowed from the speakers while I poured maple syrup onto her plate. She thanked me and smiled. Had the grieving mother had these moments, too? My thoughts must have shown on my face or maybe her perception is stronger than I could have imagined. Either way, my daughter looked at me through the steam rising from her breakfast, her big blue eyes sparkling.

“You ok, Momma? What’s happening?”

How was I to explain to her, in words she could understand, if I couldn’t comprehend a bit of it? What do you say to an innocent child? Her world is so happy, so full of goodness, so full of love. Maybe that was the answer. Maybe her question wasn’t so she could have an answer but so I could shift my perspective.

Her world is my world. It is so happy, so full of goodness, so full of love. She is the center of that world and is the shining bright beacon of hope for the future. I sat back for a moment and just watched as she devoured her pancakes. I smiled at her sweetness.

“I am ok, baby. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Momma!! I go play now.”

And just like that, her question was answered, her world was happy and she was off on another adventure. I picked up her plate and tiny cup and brought them to the sink. Out the kitchen window I could see the many signs of Spring in our yard. Robin’s hopped around in search of worms, the giant maple tree was pregnant with tiny new leaf buds. Our grass was making the shift from brown to green and the air was filled with the sounds of children laughing from the nearby schoolyard.

In the background NPR was still reporting. I chose to fill my heart with love and hope. I saw all the signs that we will be ok. We will grow and even thrive. The world is not a bad place it’s just that people do bad things, sometimes. But, in order for them to truly be a force of evil, we must let them win. We must succumb to their fear. I chose to not let them win. I will not live in fear. I will not live in great sadness. I will live in the knowledge that there is hope and love in every corner of this great big world. I see it in my tiny corner every day.

I put the dish towel down and walk into my studio where my daughter is playing. She sees me and smiles.

“Me and Clover [her doll] are making snow angels on the floor for you, Momma!”

And just like that, I am reassured that yes, there is hope and love and goodness even in these difficult and trying times.

“They are beautiful angels, baby.”

“You happy, Momma?”

“Yes, baby, I am happy. I love you.”

“To the moon and back, right?”

“Right. To the moon and back.”

A Fly On HER Wall

2014-04-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

Every time I sign up for a Fly On The Wall challenge I think to myself, "This time I am going to take
notes throughout the whole month. I will write down all the funny stuff I don't write about and it will be great!!"

This challenge is great. A group of amazing bloggers all write posts made up of snippets of our lives. The end result reads as if you were a fly on our walls. It gives us a chance to share those moments that are worth writing about but may not be long enough to stand on their own. As I said, I go into it excited and motivated to remember every detail.

Then, I find myself sitting here, a day before this post is to go live and I am note-less. Every. Single. Time.

Then I remembered how successful my last writing challenge was when I asked my 3.5 year old daughter to define the words I was supposed to use. I turned to her and asked her what I should write about.

"Me!"

I should have seen that one coming. Hope you all enjoy being a Fly On The Wall of a pretty amazing little girl!!

__________

"Mommy, can we go outside now and play with my new swing?" She was giddy with excitement. GIDDY.

"Yes, as soon as we finish lunch." I was famished and needed at least 2 minutes to eat.

She quickly took a bite and asked through peanut butter coated teeth, "Can we go out now?"

She had been asking since my husband hung the thing at 9am. We had errands to run and a play date to attend. At no point during our morning had she gone more than 20 minutes without asking about her new swing. My left eye was starting to twitch and I knew that I was developing some sort of aversion to the words "new swing."

"We can go outside right after you eat your lunch. Preferably more than one bite," I answered as calmly as possible. I totally understood her excitement and remember how much I used to love running outside to play on my swing set.

My mind wandered back 30 or so years earlier. This same house, the same back yard. My grandparents lived here along with my most favorite and best friend, George. George was a molded plastic horse that swung from my metal framed swing set. I spent hours swinging on him, feeding him, and generally taking the very best care of him. I loved that horse and couldn't imagine how many days I spent begging to go out and play.

I totally understood my daughters excitement.

It was finally time to go outside. She made a beeline for the trapeze style swing while I tied the dogs out. When I turned to watch her, see her little face light up with pure swinging bliss, she was gone. The T-bar was swinging lazily and alone. My excited daughter had swung on it once and abandoned it for her sandbox. The sandbox she had played in all last year.

"Aren't you going to swing on your new swing?"

"I did, mommy. Now I done and playing in my sandbox. Thanks for bringing me out here!"

Four hours of asking to play on her swing for four seconds of swinging. Seemed exactly right.

__________

Earlier this week the temperatures here in NH reached into the mid 70s. It felt luxurious to have ample sunshine and warmth. The kiddo and I took full advantage and headed to a local farm to play on their playground.

Running in front of the play area is a brook, just begging to be waded in. Eventually all the kids migrated to the water.

My daughter only went in up to her ankles but decided to squat down a few times and quickly ended up with a soaking wet backside. The water was cold and we only had one dry pair of pants. I told her I would go get them for her but she needed to stay out of the water. She agreed and I left her in the care of our friends we were with.

Sometime between me walking away and returning, my little girl took advantage of our friends not hearing me ask her to stay out of the water and got back in. She tried to climb a rock and fell. By the time I got back she was screaming and my friends were sprinting to her.

I dropped everything I held and ran to her. She had fallen in up to her neck. Shaking and upset I brought her back to our car and striped her down to nothing. I took full advantage of the greenhouse effect of my car and dried her off in the sweltering heat, trying to warm her up.

While doing so I made sure she was ok. I checked her head to toe. One small bruise. I also took the opportunity to talk to her about listening to me. Explaining that I had asked her to stay out of the water while I was gone for safety reasons, not to be mean.

She apologized for falling. She apologized for scaring me. She apologized for not listening. I apologized for not being there. We both felt awful and so grateful that in the end, we only had apologies and a small bruise.

She learned a valuable lesson and I was reminded, once again, to be grateful for every moment.

__________

For the first time in her memory, our electricity went out and our daughter had questions. Lots of them.

We tried our best to explain everything to her and she seemed pretty content with our answers. Luckily, it all happened 30 minutes before she headed to bed. We figured by morning the power would have been restored and she would have moved on.

We were half right.

She got up to electricity and didn't mention it. We went about our morning routines and said our good-byes to my hubby.

I settled onto the couch to do some work on my computer and she stood next to me, staring at the on but muted television. I was a little curious as to what she was doing but decided to wait it out.

After a few moments she dreamily commented, "I hope the electricity comes back on soon...."

Blinking, I replied that it was on. Had been since right after she went to sleep the night before. Plus, if it were not on, the television wouldn't be working.

"Oh. Right. I am so happy. I missed the electricity." She turned around and smiled at me. Right before she skipped off she pointed to right behind my head at the fabric that covers our couch. "See that? Right there? There is a kid standing with one eye and one leg. Bye mommy!!"

I glanced at the markings on the fabric and could maybe, if I squinted one eye and closed the other, see what she saw. I chuckled and opened my laptop.

I would do anything to live a day in the head of a 3.5 year old.

__________

Please do check out the other participants in this month's Fly On The Wall challenge. And a huge thank you to Karen at Baking In A Tornado for being the host/organizer/brains behind this (and many other) great challenges.

http://www.BakingInATornado.com Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/ Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://followmehome.shellybean.com Follow me home . . .

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius

http://www.impoverishedvegan.com Impoverished Vegan

http://www.gomamao.com Go Mama O

Use HER Words

2014-04-11T10:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome one and all to another Use Your Words writing challenge presented by the always amazing Baking In A Tornado.This month 12 bloggers swapped a set of words and challenged each other to write a post
using each and every one of their words.

My words were thoughtfully gifted to me by Confessions Of A Part-Time Working Mom. (Make sure you go check out her contribution as well.)

I love these writing challenges. They make me stretch my grey matter beyond it's comfort zone. Every now and then, though, one will trip me up. Sometimes it is the topic, sometimes the words, sometimes it has nothing to do with the challenge and everything to do with a whole lot going on, consuming my brain, making it hard to write.

Guess which one it was this time?

I couldn't back out of this, that wouldn't be fair to the other11 very talented writers. So, I called in the troops. In this case, the troops is my 3.5 year old daughter. I decided to ask her what these words meant, write down her answers and hopefully end up with something adorable.

I think it worked out just perfectly. But, admittedly, I am extremely biased.

Anyway, here are my kiddo's definitions of my Use Your Words challenge words.

Sugar pie is for eating!!

Rain is what you go around, from the river when it drains. It goes around and makes something else. Rain. Drain rain.

I don't know. What does Curb mean?

YOU'RE MAKING A LINE!!! It's when you trace a line all the way, like a sidewalk as you go, like this (pointing at my desk) is a line. Rhymes with whine. You know, "whaaa whaa whaaa!!" Like that, that is whining. Rhymes with line.

Music is when a radio plays music. *Sings at top of lungs*

A Black Cloud is when it rains. You know, it's, well, black.

Is there no more writings stuff? Mommy? Will you read them to me?

She may be my only kid but I am pretty sure, she is a genius. Seriously.

Thanks for reading and sticking by me. Fingers crossed for black clouds that will bring the rain and curb this writing drought. The sound of the keyboard clicking, letting out my thoughts in s a semi-coherent manner once again will be music to my ears. When that happens, there will be sugar pie for everyone!!!

See what I just did there? Yup, I used my words, twice. Did I go to far? Cross a line?

You are welcome.

Please do check out my fellow wordsmiths:

Baking In A Tornado

Follow Me Home...

Stacy Sews And Schools

Outmanned

Someone Else's Genius

Confessions Of A Part-Time Working Mom

The Momisodes

Impoverished Vegan

Spatulas On Parade

Battered Hope

Evil Joy Speaks

My Life In Music

2014-04-04T10:00:00.000-04:00

If a movie were going to be made about your life, what are 7 songs that would be on the soundtrack to that movie and why would you choose those songs?

Music has always played an enormously important role in my life. There have been songs that have gotten me through some dark times and others that have helped me celebrate the good.

Choosing only seven songs to represent my life in a soundtrack is close to impossible. Maybe 70, 700 would be better. Every memory I have has a musical counterpart. Every moment a note worthy tune. So, here are seven of those memory inducing pieces. Sometimes it is the lyrics, sometimes the melody. Whatever it is, these songs never fail to induce memories.

1. I have to start with the song my husband and I first danced to as husband and wife. Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine as sung by a good friend of ours. You can read the entire story HERE.

2. Over The Rainbow by Israel "Iz" Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole always brings me back to my pregnancy with our daughter. She was conceived after a heart breaking loss and a whole lot of time. A successful birth after a loss is referred to as a “rainbow baby.” She is ours and this song summed it all up perfectly for us.

3. Brave by Sara Bareilles. This song speaks to me loudly and clearly. I stopped writing for a while. When I slowly started to open myself up to it again this song became popular. I found comfort in those words.

4. Black by Pearl Jam. The memories this song brings back from my earlier years are intense. However, sometimes it is nice to throw open the flood gates and drown in the nostalgia.

5. Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional. This would play during the montage that would be the summer my husband and I fell in love.

6. Electric Youth by Debbie Gibson would play while I went to my first concert (Miss Gibson, of course) and during the subsequent coming-of-age series that would follow.

7. Anything by the Eagles or Air Supply or Abba would play in the background during my childhood. This was music I remember my mother playing and singing along to in the car.

There are so many more songs I could list. These seven seem like a drop in the musical ocean of my soundtrack.

What song(s) speak to you? Do you have a theme song?

Thank you for reading my contribution to Baking In A Tornado’s Secret Subject Swap. 14 bloggers secretly swapped subjects/writing prompts to interpret into their own style. My prompt was submitted by Climaxed. Please head over and check out their post and all the other brave bloggers!!

The Littlest Thing

2014-03-30T09:00:00.000-04:00

It is truly amazing how big an impact something so tiny can have. The worry, the anxiety, the

unknown.

I have let my big worry about this tiny thing rule my world. Every step is filled with trepidation. Every turn a “what-if.”

But today, today I am going to enjoy it for what it is. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. Today, all I can do is enjoy the moment.

Have the best day ever.

If it all ends tomorrow, so be it. What I do today is all that matters. I can’t live for the maybes of tomorrow.

So today I will allow myself to smile. Laughter will erupt spontaneously. I will fall into the arms of faith and blindly allow my own happiness.

The other option is to drive myself insane, to lose grip with reality and live in a world of perceived fears and what-ifs. I could surround myself in the darkness of the unknown and succumb to the anxiety of it all. I could allow it to become all encompassing and eventually consume me.

I won’t do that. I can’t do that.

I have come far too far. I have worked too hard. So, happiness it is. Happiness it will be.

In reality, this tiny thing will end with a very happy ending. It will turn into something big and beautiful. It has the potential to change my life for the very best and bring me more happiness than I could have ever imagined. I chose to focus on that.

And if in the end it all goes wrong, it ends in sadness, at least the journey was happy. At least the path to the outcome I feared was lined with smiles and laughter.

It is truly amazing how big an impact something so tiny can have. The worry, the anxiety, the unknown, I am letting go of. I am shifting my focus onto the happy and that is where I will stay.

Everything deserves happy. Even the tiniest, unknown things.

For more Sunday Confessions head over to More Than Cheese and Beer

A Loss For Words

2014-03-23T09:24:00.000-04:00

A person’s a person, no matter how small.
- Dr Seuss

"Well, maybe that'll teach you for posting "belly" pictures all over Facebook!"

Her words knocked the wind out of me. I felt like I had been kicked, right after being hit by a Mac truck.

I had just told her that I had lost the baby. That I was no longer pregnant. It took every ounce of energy I had to say the words. The words that were met with words that pierced.

I excused myself and headed home. Maybe she was right, I should have known. This was my fourth pregnancy and my third loss. It was all I knew.

But we were so excited, so hopeful. My belly had started to round slightly as the weeks progressed seemingly fine. I always showed early, this one was no different.

We "announced" the pregnancy with a hilarious photo of me and our then 18 month old daughter. It was supposed to be a sweet photo of her sitting above my tiny bump. Instead she arched her back, opened her mouth and let out a hell-hound howl just as my husband hit the shutter. The resulting photo was an upside down, angry baby and a laughing pregnant momma. It was perfect.

Until it wasn't.

We went in for a routine ultrasound. We would finally be able to see our baby. As the OB scanned his face contorted. The baby had stopped growing a few weeks earlier. It's little heart was barely beating enough to make a flicker. Our baby was fading and there was nothing anyone could do.

We mourned. I took the photo down and made a brief statement on my personal page. We started the process of un-telling our friends and family. All while scheduling me for surgery, my body was not letting the baby go. My heart wouldn't either.

The support and love we received kept us going. It lifted us when we were down. Sharing our good news had made going through the impossible, a fraction easier. When it all went wrong, we had people to turn to.

Except her. I thought she was my friend. I thought she would understand. I thought wrong. Her words cut into me so deeply that now, two years later, I still hear them when I see her.

Maybe, just maybe, she didn't mean them to hurt me. Maybe she didn't know what to say. Maybe, in her own way, she was trying to find levity and I wasn't ready to laugh. Regardless, it hurt.

I had another pregnancy that resulted in another loss after that. We didn't tell a soul except my doctor. I couldn't see another set of pitying eyes look at me and not now what to say, or worse yet, say the very very wrong thing. We grieved alone. Away from judgement and opinion.

Words have such a great impact. They can soothe and they can hurt. They can make what should have been a supportive moment between friends into something hurtful and awkward.

In the words of my mom, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." I have learned that this simple statement holds more knowledge than I ever gave it credit for. Words have the power to heal and they have the power to stay with someone for years, reminding them of a hurt so deep, it may never fully heal.

Choose your words carefully, you never know what they will do once released.

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."
- A.A. Milne

For more Sunday Confessions head over to More Than Cheese and Beer

Say What?

2014-03-21T10:00:00.000-04:00

**Welcome to a Fly on the Wall group post. Today 15 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around my house.**

As you would imagine, life with a three year old is never dull. Ever. Even moments that really should not be note worthy turn out to be.

Most recently the kiddo was rolling around on the floor, quietly moaning. I asked her what was wrong.

"I wish I could watch a show."

"I told you that we could watch a movie later," I replied, repeating myself for the fifth, maybe sixth time.

More rolling and moaning happened.

"MOOOOOOOMMY!! I am getting SO boring!!!!"

I had to hold my breath to stifle my giggles. When she uses the wrong word we usually will repeat her phrase back to her, only replacing the wrong word with the correct one and phrase it as a question. That way she hears it said correctly but we don't feel like we are constantly telling her how to say things. So, normally I would have said, "You are getting bored?" Or, "I am sorry that you are getting so bored."

"Are you hearing me, MOMMY?!?! I SAID, I am getting really really boring!!!"

Nope, not going to correct her this time. This one is way too cute.

***

Learning language is tough. There are slight nuances and phrases that make zero sense and you just have to accept them. Being three and having a mom that speaks primarily in cliches and metaphors has GOT to be tough.

This time though, was not my fault. Apparently little ears mishear things VERY easily.

We were getting ready to head out for the day. It was cold and snowy and socks and boots were an absolute must have. I was trying to do 87 1/2 things all at once, as usual. The dogs needed water and the kiddo, help with her footwear.

"Go sit by the door and I will come help you with your boots in a minute."

I got a slightly funny look that quickly turned into a smile and a bright, "Ok Mommy!!"

I grabbed the water dish and filled that up. I made sure the doors to all the bedrooms and bath were closed. Phone, bag, scarf, hat..... What was that? I stopped and listened. I could hear a tiny voice coming from the kitchen.

"I don't know why but here I am! Sitting here and singing!! My mommy said to so I am!!! Singing by the DOOR!!!"

My little girl was singing a song of her own creation. It was adorable. The words confused me a little though. I asked her to sit and wait by the door nearly every day. Why would she suddenly not understand my request? I grabbed the rest of my things and walked into the kitchen.

My little singer was sitting on a chair, swinging her stockinged feet, singing happily. She stopped when she saw me and asked, "Can I stop singing now? Please?"

"Of course you can!"

"Phew!!" She smiled at me, "I didn't want to make you upset."

Now, I was confused. I asked her why she thought I would be upset if she stopped singing.

"Because you said to go and SING by the door. Remember?"

I could barely get her boots on I was laughing so hard. "You misheard me, peanut, I am sorry. I said to SIT by the door!! I will try my best to better enunciate from now on."

"Did you like my song?"

"I loved it. Thanks, kiddo. You are the best."

***

"MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!!!"

I could hear her scurrying to her feet from my bed, obviously panicked. I rushed in, still wearing my towel from my shower.

"I am not leaving, I'm not even dressed!"

A look of relief washed over her face. "Oh good! I heard a rumble and thought you had started the car."

"That was the garbage truck, sweetie. Not mommy's car. Plus, I would never ever leave without you!" My real question was how did she confuse the garbage truck with my tiny Toyota?

"Thank you mommy. I am glad." She crawled back onto my bed. As she snuggled in she glanced at my bedside table where I keep my phone docked. "Oh!! I know you were not leaving! See? Your phone is still here."

Apparently leaving without her is in the realm of possibility but leaving without my phone, not a chance. Three year old logic is hilarious.

***

Don't forget to check out the other challenge participants!

Baking In A Tornado

The Rowdy Baker

JustA Little Nutty

The Momisodes

Spatulas on Parade

TheSadder But Wiser Girl

Follow me home . . .

Stacy Sews and Schools

DinosaurSuperhero Mommy

Someone Else’s Genius

Menopausal Mother

Pink HeartString

Spinster Snacks

International Happiness Day

2014-03-20T12:07:00.002-04:00

Today is International Happiness Day. WHAT A GREAT DAY!! Who doesn't want to be happy?

Right?

In honor of this I am turning my Thankful Thursday list into things that make me happy.

One in the same, really.

Here we go, in no particular order.

*Cadbury Creme eggs. Not just he deliciousness but also the fact they only come out at Easter. Easter is in Spring. Spring means Winter is over. I love sunshine.

*Flowers. Currently there are tulips residing in my house. They are little rays of sunshine and happiness. Try to be grumpy next to a bright red tulip. I dare you.

*Fresh fruit. If I sit in the ray of sunshine that streams into my living room and munch on a juicy kiwi or apple, I can pretend that it is July. THAT makes me happy.

*Speaking of sunshine. Aaaaaahhhhh!!! So much happy that the sun is brighter and warmer these days.

*SPRING!!! Today is also the Vernal Equinox, the first official day of Spring. It snowed last night but it was that late Winter/ early Spring kind of snow that is super wet and heavy and melts as it falls. My eaves are dripping and I saw my lawn all last week. I am happy.

*Canada Geese. I live in New England and the weather is all sorts of unpredictable. The calander and weathermen are not accurate ways of telling when the seasons turn. The geese though, they never fail me. They head South for the winter and return North for Spring. I can hear them passing over my house as I type this. That honking is the soundtrack to the change in the seasons. Never doubt the geese.

*My little family. My daughter and my husband. They are AWESOME. Seriously. I hope everyone who reads these words experiences a love like this. You deserve it.

*THIS:

There you have it. A list of gratitude and happiness for this International Day of Happiness - Vernal Equinox - SPRING!!!!

Have a post bursting with happiness and/or gratitude? Link up here!!!

I'm Just A Little Black Raincloud

2014-03-17T16:41:00.001-04:00

Remember when I said that I am not perfect? That I have days when I eye the window, toying with the idea of jumping out and running away?

Welcome to today.

My patience is thin, my anger is near the surface and everything seems to be rubbing me the very wrong way.

I have that little black raincloud above my head, and that is ok. I am taking it as a sign that I need to slow down, take a breath. I am using it as permission to lay on the couch and catch up on television shows. I am allowing myself an extra cupcake.

Just try to tell me otherwise.

My no-good very-grumpy day will end soon. Tomorrow will better. I'll appreciate it and feel thankful for it.

Meanwhile, I am going to grumble on the couch, feeling a little under the weather and a lot prickly.

And that, that is totally and completely ok.

Just keep a wide berth and we should get past this unscathed.

Never Again

2014-03-16T11:43:00.001-04:00

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go"

Let Her Go -Passenger

I am not going to tell you to cherish every minute of life. I am going to tell you that I do.

Why?

Because I have lived through and seen the lows. I have watched what happens when life slips away, unnoticed and under-appreciated.

People are left standing in the wake of tragedy or disappointment, with nothing to hold onto. With a short string of happy memories and a long string of complaints and wishing-it-had-been-different.

This doesn't mean that I do not complain. I do. I am human.

I have days that I eye the nearest window to escape and run away.

I am thankful for those days. Those are the days that make the good and brightness shine ever so brighter.

I lived amongst the darkness for so long. I didn't allow the light in. There was no balance. I missed out on so many moments. I was barely grateful for the breaths I took. The sun would rise every day and yet, I didn't care. I was so fixated on my own hardships, I didn't realized how incredibly blessed I was, I am.

I allowed myself to see the light. I focused on it while appreciating the darkness in which I had came. The chaos is welcomed because the calm is so much sweeter by knowing it. The warmth is so much more inviting when coming in from the cold.

So many people scoff at the idea of cherishing every moment. I see it this way, you can't have a rainbow with out the rain. There is no up without down.

"Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast"

Let Her Go -Passenger

I live my life with gratitude. Everything is a lesson. My hardships are my teachers. My darkness, my guide to the light. I will never again allow myself to loose sight of all that I have. I will live my life in balance.

I will not take shelter waiting for the storm to pass. Instead I will dance in the rain.

See more confessions over on More Than Cheese and Beer

Too tired.

2014-03-15T20:46:00.001-04:00

We were very busy today having all sorts of fun and adventures. It has left all of us exhausted. I am far too tired to write. Because of this and since it is my blog and my 31 day challenge, I declare today a day off. See you all tomorrow!!!

Day 16's Adventure.

2014-03-14T20:04:00.002-04:00

I am tired. Bone aching tired.

My patience is thin. I feel like too little butter being spread across burnt toast.

I put off writing all day, knowing that my words would deceive my deeper feelings.

My impatience and exhaustion would translate to anger.

I am not angry.

I have a lot to be happy about, grateful for.

I decided to re-read my older posts.

That is where I found this.

A slice of Spring from last year.

It made me smile. I hope you enjoy it.

Until tomorrow....

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com/2013/05/adventure.html