Carson writes, “I met this woman in Asia online in a chat room and over a period of few years we communicated through daily emails, chatting, telephone calls and texting. She was married but did not want to get a divorce from her abusive husband and moved to Bahrain to find work. She did not get a good job there and the manager was literally abusing her. I was not happy about the decision and I became angry. Later she told me that she came to Bahrain so that she could get a divorce and be with me. Most of the time she was reluctant to show her face on web-cam. She was very conscious about her mature age and beauty. She was also hiding our relationship from everyone, since other people will think this relationship as ‘wrong’. In 2008 we planned a rendezvous in Bahrain. But because of problems coordinating our schedules I could not go there. Then she stopped communicating with me. She even told me to leave her alone because she did not think that our marriage was possible, that I was too young for her, and that I would be better off with a younger woman. I think she was playing games with me. In September 2009 I told her I don’t want anything, I just wanted to meet her. She told yes. In the meantime her husband and others found out about our online relationship and started harassing her for cheating. This month I am going to Bahrain without knowing her contact details other than her email address that I have used all this time. I hope we will have a lovely meeting and my love will succeed.”

It is just a crush

While I admire your devotion to her and the commitment to meet with her to convince her to marry you, based on all the background you provided, it appears to be a futile exercise. Going to a country that you will be a tourist with no understanding of local language, I am not sure how successful you will be in able to track her down. Plus, as you have already found out, she is a compulsive liar, is unlikely to get a divorce, may not like the idea of having to leave Bahrain, and has never really shown any desire to marry you. On the contrary, she wants you to leave her alone.

This woman has a lot of problems and even if you were able to meet her, I very much doubt it will be a pleasant experience for you or that she will happily embrace your ideas and marry you. She might even consider you a stalker.

Find a drama-free woman

Therefore, if you want to take my advice, I strongly suggest that you abandon the idea of trying to find her in Bahrain and simply forget about her. It maybe hard for you initially but eventually you will be able to move on and find love with another woman who is drama-free. At this point it might seem impossible to you that you will be able to love another woman again, but trust me, almost everyone does. There are a lot of wonderful women on the planet and I am sure one of them will find you as a loving man who is committed and will take care of her like a princess.

The time, money, and emotions that you have invested in this woman has been a waste and if you invest it in another woman, you may find everlasting happiness.

Andrew writes, “I’ve got a female friend at university whom I really like – she’s attractive, down-to-earth, considerate and funny (perfect, huh?) I myself am also attractive, humble and do whatever I can to be a kind, honest, nice guy and she really likes that about me. However, she also admits to always falling for guys that are jerks or losers. She also says that I am too good a person for her, and that for some reason she doesn’t find guys being nice to her as attractive as men being abusive to her, even though she regrets it afterward, because guys ‘objectify’ her. I was wondering how I could be more desirable to her, whilst possibly at the same time, remaining an honorable guy?”

We all have our likes and dislikes and sometimes there is no reasonable explanation for it. For instance, I love full-cream yogurt which I know is not the healthiest food to eat, but I do. Thankfully, I am in perfect health and eat it only once a week or so as a side dish, but am convinced that it should not even enter my house.

I have known very successful and otherwise wonderful women date losers simply because they were cuter or funnier or had long hair or great body or whatever they fantasize about. These men abused them, treated them like garbage, but when it came to men, they were happy to ignore good men with great education, high values, and money/job to pick awful men. Some of them even regret their choices and feel awful but one of those dream men comes along they forget everything. Some of these friends of mine who absolutely refused to date me (because like you, I am just a regular guy with job/money/values/respect for women) would come to me for support when their hearts were broken and I would be the one to wipe their tears.

Chances are that this woman will never like you because you are simply not her type. Maybe if you know her type, you can become more like them. I remember one girl who was crazy about guys with long hair and if it is something like this that is small and that you don’t mind, you can do it to attract her (I am the forever short hair type and could not imagine having longer hair just to charm a girl). As you said, I wouldn’t suggest changing anything substantive so that you too become a useless man.

Sally writes, “I am 18 years old, 5′ 2″, and weigh 66 kg (145 lbs). I suffer from the problem that I have very big breasts and wear a 36D size bra. It seems like whatever I eat all the fat accumulates in my breasts rather than other parts of the body. I have thyroid problem too due to which my menstruation is irregular and I am taking medicine for it. Can you please give me a diet plan of what to have for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Please recommend any exercise that will help to reduce my breast size.

My wife is same height as you and she is just 50 kg (110 lbs). In other words, you are simply overweight and must lose at least 15 kg to have a normal BMI.

It would have been easier for you to lose weight if you did not have thyroid problems. Generally speaking, daily exercise like running a few kilometers or swimming are helpful. At the same time, you should bring down your calorie consumption to just about 1,500. In other words, no meats, sugar, carbonated beverages, white carbs, processed foods, and other fried foods. I suggest lots of salads, protein rich dishes like fish and beans, oatmeal, and plenty of water. When you lower your calorie intake, you should lose weight. I am not a big fans of diets but rather recommend lifestyle changes so that you burn more calories and eat healthier, nutritious, low calorie foods.

As your weight lowers, your breasts will shrink.

Ladies, you can now relax and stop looking at French or Japanese women and feel miserable. It turns out that both French and Japanese women do get fat, despite books (like the one by Mireille Guiliano) that claimed that was not the case.

While I did not have the statistics but during my Paris vacation and trips to Japan, I saw many overweight (though not as many obese) French and Japanese girls. The big difference is that you see fewer fat people than here at home. But it could also be that you see fewer fat people in rich towns of metropolitan cities like New York, San Francisco, or Boston, where people tend to walk a lot more and are also more conscious about their looks.

In France, two out of five women are either overweight or obese. To put it in perspective, the case in US is three out of four.

Marilyn writes, “I have been married for 7 years but been together for a total of 13. I love my husband but I don’t think I am in love with him anymore. I have had two miscarriages and today marks the one-year anniversary of the first miscarriage. My husband has two kids from two previous relationships and really has no desire to have any more kids. Although he says that I would be the only person he would consider having another child with. He was upset about the miscarriages but of course it does not affect him like it does me. My husband is a good, honest man and can be a lot of fun. But on a daily basis he criticizes every little thing I do and don’t. He often talks to me like I am a child. If he is in a bad mood then he takes it out on everything and everyone around him. I suffer from chronic daily headaches and TMJ. For years I have been trying to find relief but to him that is wasted money since I have not been able to find permanent relief. There really is no passion in our sex life although we do have sex 3 to 4 times a week. I used to adore him and when I even thought about him I would crave him. Now when I look at him I am just annoyed and aggravated. We have talked about all our issues over and over. We both agreed to work on what the other has a problem with but he has never made any changes. I just don’t know if I can live the rest of my life always waiting for the next criticism. I’m always thinking, I hope he is in a good mood, I hope I don’t do anything to piss him off, I wonder what will happen tonight that will cause yet another fight. For the past two months I have turned to several other men to fulfill the passion and approval that I crave. I know I need to stop or just leave but I just can’t do either. These other guys make me happy and let me escape reality; I think that’s why I can’t stop. But I am afraid of leaving my husband. What if it is a mistake? What if I can’t ever go back? But what if we can’t ever get that passion back that we used to have? Can I ever really get back there again to adoring him and feeling completely happy with just him? Or is it just time to move on? I’m only 31. But is what I am looking for really out there? I want respect, passion, not everything I say, do, and even wear to be critiqued all the time.”

What went wrong?

Let me talk about fatherhood and miscarriages to see if it has something to do with it. There is a strong possibility that he may feel as if another child is being imposed on him. And when he unwillingly agreed to join the process, unfortunately, there were two miscarriages. In other words, even if that may be the outcome he secretly wanted all along, it may have made him feel angry, frustrated, sad, and probably impotent for not being able to father another child. Such negative emotions can often come out in form of personal attacks on you because right now he is blaming you for all the ills in life and that is why he criticizes you.

Strain on relationship due to miscarriage and fatherhood

I am not condoning his behavior, but providing you context to look at him. Was he like this before you had miscarriages? Was trying to become pregnant a source of friction in your marriage? What triggered this change in behavior? It is very important for you to nail this down because maybe you can do something about it. For instance, if that change of behavior (I am assuming that you had a beautiful relationship when you got married because you have been together 13 years or for almost all your adult life) occurred after you wanted to be pregnant, then, you may have some decisions to make. Maybe it is not a good idea to push the pregnancy thing and move on. We all realize that we cannot have so many things in our lives and we must put parenthood in that same category. I mean not everyone goes to Harvard or become a movie star or become millionaires and they are was fine with those failures (if I may call them so but in reality they are just things that not everyone can have) and so one should be fine with the fact that they wouldn’t have kids. Unless the two partners seriously want a child, they should not have one, because that is a crime against the poor child that will be born.

Now, if the change in his behavior was at some other point or was always there and you did not notice it when you decided to marry him, then, you have no reason to suffer this abuse daily and live in pain with him. It is time to divorce him and start a new life. It is, of course, a good idea to think through before contemplating a divorce, but as you know, you wouldn’t be the first woman on the planet to get one. Maybe it will be a mistake, but it won’t be the first mistake in life that you will commit. You deserve a second chance, particularly because you are just 31 and have a long life ahead of you.

With regards to your question about what is out there, well, a lot of good stuff. I know it is hard to find a good partner, but trust me, there are a lot of good men out there. Good men who want nothing more than a woman who loves them so that they can enjoy simple things in life together. For all we know, you might even have a better chance of delivering a healthy baby with another man.

Life is about taking risks, and leaving this abusive man is just that. Yep, things could be tough for a while and you may never find that dream man, but it is better to be single than to live in fear and suffer everyday. You can do a lot with your life if you are free.