Yet Another Home Cook Writes Food Essays

An Old Stand-By

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 23:08:00 +0000

I was reminiscing with Lincoln the other day about how we are not strangers to financial pressure and scary unemployment figures. It just seems so long ago...the turn of the century, when cell phones were a bit thicker, a twitter was the sound of a bird outside your window and on-line communities were still posting text to Usenet. He reminded me that our experience with hard times goes way back - as children, we witnessed the recession of the 80s and were job seekers during the sink hole of the early 90s. I reminded him that despite the hefty weight of student loans, we managed to have a lot of fun on no money. We both remembered the proud moment we paid off Lincoln's J.D. in three years (faster than Barack and Michelle Obama, by the way) and our financial adviser asked us, "How did you do it? Did you live on macaroni and cheese?" No, but we did eat a lot of meals like this one:

Pasta Al Tonno (Tuna Pasta)

I originally learned this recipe from Cucina Ebraica by Joyce Goldstein, but over time, have adapted it to my own taste. You can play around with it. Leave the tomato paste out or use garlic instead of onion. Omit the red wine and use canned tomato instead to make it more sauce-like than solid. This is a recipe that will let you find your own way.

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
1 cup of parsely, chopped
1 can of tuna - I use solid white in water, but you can use Italian tuna in oil.
About 6 anchovies or to your taste
1 teaspoon capers
2 teaspoons of tomato paste
1/4 cup of red wine

2 cups rigatoni, penne or linguine noodles

Follow directions for cooking pasta, drain and place in large bowl. While pasta is on the stove, heat a frying pan and add olive oil. Sautee the chopped onion and parsely until soft. Add tuna, anchovies and capers and mix together. Add tomato paste and wine and stir mixture. Add to pasta and blend thoroughly. Garnish with parsely. Serve with crusty bread and salad.

Facebook Chiken

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 22:02:00 +0000

It's official. Blogger readers who are my "friends" can now follow this blog through the Notes section on my facebook page. That satisfies the needs of two electronic communities. Did you know that facebook only allows you to publish one feed to your page? What am I supposed to do for all my other personalities?

Test

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 21:38:00 +0000

This is a test. This is only a test of the facebook/blogger relationship.

Test

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 21:36:00 +0000

This is a post to test the facebook/blogger relationship. This is only a test.

A Promise

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 03:17:00 +0000

I promise, promise, promise to write you about how I made the Shabbat dinner to end all Shabbat dinners. It was stellar. It was 5 stars. It was worthy of note. I just don't have time because I have to go to three exercise classes to work it off this week.

Miscellaneous/Privacy Is Dead?

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 03:11:00 +0000

If you haven't noticed, lately, Facebook seems to be taking over the world. I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that Generation X is 20 years out of high school and getting ready for its class reunions. At least, that's how most people I know got sucked into the thing. Lincoln followed, and I haven't seen him since (ladies, he's taken!).

If you are on facebook, you can import JuicyChiken and read my posts from there. If you do that, why not go viral and share the articles with your friends?

If you know my secret identity, you can also get some recipes that I've posted in my notes page as an experiment to see which gets me more posts -- this blogosphere thing or the facebook. So far, facebook is winning.

For those of you cringing and crying that I'm even bringing this up, I assure you that in ten years, this too will pass. I also want to say that no one will judge you harshly for not friending or unfriending your ex-boyfriends after the morbid curiosity phase has passed.

Some Foods Are Better With Friends And Without Smoked Meat

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 02:34:00 +0000

Recovering from a severe stomach illness that rendered me unable to eat anything except broth for a week, I've had time to reflect on my last great cooking adventure with my friend Anna. When she came down for a visit last month, we took on The New Spanish Table and made three courses for friends. Our meal was Potato Soup with Fried Almonds, Salad with Hazelnut, Apricot and Sherry Vinegar Dressing, Lamb Meatballs With Mint and an Orange Tart for dessert. All three dishes were great, although the tart was problematic.

What struck me most was the quality of our cooking time together. These days, with Lincoln busier than ever and me holding down the house on the hill, I mostly cook alone, although with Bartleby capering about in the background. I didn't even know when Anna proposed cooking together if I was capable of it. Would I have to explain things to her? Find things in the kitchen? Be a big crank? I am so used to talking myself through trouble spots, finding solutions in mere seconds, coming up with the big ideas for meals, burning my thumbs when no one can hear me scream...I just didn't know if there was room for someone else in my kitchen. To my great relief, the recipes naturally divided themselves into a fair division of labor based on skills. Anna took the soup and dessert, I did the meatballs and the salad. We frequently consulted the book and each other. We also accomplished all of our cooking in a mere four hours. It was harmonious and so pleasing to show off these dishes to friends. It felt like we had stepped out of a Gourmet Magazine photo spread.

Foodwise, I would change little. The soup, on a second trial, tastes better without smoked meat and with an all vegetable stock. The tart really needed the oranges peeled - unless you really like bitter.

Sopa De Patatas Y Almendras
Source: The New Spanish Table, Anya Von Bremzen, published by Workman

Meat eaters note: You can substitute whole smoked turkey leg (sliced) for the ham or...
Vegetarians and vegans note: You can an all veggie version with a vegetable stock, like I am today.

Sticklers note: From the original, I edited out the cumbersome cutting method for the potatoes. It works if you cube them.

Food Obsessives note: I suspect if you use marcona almonds from Spain, this recipe will be even better. Turmeric may substitute for saffron.

Ingredients:
1 1/2 Lbs Yukon Gold potatoes
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 cup blanced almonds
6 large garlic cloves, peeled
1/3 cup (about 2 ounces) finely diced serrano ham or prosciutto
4 cups chicken stock or broth, or more if needed
Coarse salt (kosher or sea) and freshly ground black pepper
1 medium-sized pinch of saffron, pulverized in a mortar
2 teaspoons sherry vinegar, preferably aged, or more to taste
2 tablespoons minced fresh flat-leaf parsley (to garnish)
Dense country bread, for serving

1) Cut the potatoes into cubes

2) Heat the olive oil in a heavy 3-quart saucepan over medium heat. Add the almonds and garlic and cook, stirring, until golden, 4 to 5 minutes, adjusting the heat so the oil doesn't burn. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the almonds and garlic to a bowl. Add the ham or turkey to the pan and stir for 1 minute. Add the potatoes and cook, stirring, for another minute. A dd the chicken stock and bring to a boil, skimming. Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer the soup.

3) Meanwhile, place the almond and garlic mixture in a mini food processor and grind it. If you like almond bits in your soup, grind the mixture somewhat coarsely; otherwise, grind it fine. Add all but about 2 tablespoons of the ground nut mixture to the saucepan with the potatoes, Season with salt and pepper to taste.

4) Steep the saffron in a few tablespoons of the simmering soup for 2 minutes, then add it to the pan. Simmer the soup, partially covered, until about half of the potatoes have disintegrated, about 35 minutes. Skim the soup a couple of times as it cooks and add a little more chicken stock if the soup seems too thick.

5) When ready to serve, check the texture of the soup. If you'd like it creamier, break up some of the potatoes with a sturdy spoon; if you'd like it thinner, add a little more chicken stock. Add 2 teaspoons almond mixture and stir it into the soup. Add the parsley and cook for another minute. Taste for seasoning, adding a little more vinegar if necessary. Serve the soup with bread.
SERVES 4

Cowboy Beef and Black Bean Chili

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 18:45:00 +0000

It's the time of year when nothing beats a bowl of chili. In my town, here at the crossroads of the Midwest and the South, chili means a sweet, runny mash of ground beef, tomato (with or without red chili beans) served over spaghetti and topped with a mountain of cheddar cheese. The last time I tried to order it with half a mountain of cheese, the waitress told me I was skinny enough and could "afford" to eat the whole mountain. I still asked for half because eating the whole mountain is just...gross. Bartleby likes the lame little hot dogs with cheddar cheese at our local chili outfit. Ugh.

Here's a great recipe for anyone longing for something warm and spicy with a stew-like consistency. The source is The Healthy Beef Cookbook published by the National Cattlemen's Beef Association with the Americn Dietetic Association.

Cowboy Beef and Black Bean Chili
Makes 8 Servings. Total preparation and cooking time: 2 hours

2 lbs. ground beef (95% lean)
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups chopped onions
2 tablespoons minced garlic
2 medium yellow bell peppers, chopped
1 large jalapeno pepper, seeded, finely chopped
1/4 cup chili powder
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon dried oregano leaves, crushed
1 teaspoon dried thyme leaves, crushed
1/8 teaspoon ground red pepper
1 can (28 ounces) crushed tomatoes, undrained
1 can (141/2 ounces) chili-seasoned or zesty-style diced tomatoes, undrained
1 can (14 to 14!/2 ounces) ready-to-serve beef broth
12 ounces dark beer
1/3 cup tomato paste
1 tablespoon honey
2 cans (15 ounces each) black beans, rinsed, drained
Salt and black pepper, as desired
Chopped fresh cilantro (optiona)

1) Brown ground beef in stockpot over medium heat 8 to 10 minutes or until beef is no longer pink, breaking up into 3/4-inch crumbles. Remove fromstockpot with slotted spoon. Set aside. Pour off drippings.

2) Heat oil in same stockpot over medium heat until hot. Add onions and garlic; cook and stir 3 to 5 minutes or until onions are tender. Add bell peppers and jalapeno; cook and stir 4 to 5 minutes or until peppers are tender.

3) Return beef crumbles to stockpot. Add chili powder, cumin, oregano, thyme, and red pepper; cook and stir for 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in crushed tomatoes, diced tomatoes, broth, beer, tomato paste, and honey; bring to a boil. Reduce heat; covera nd simmer 45 minutes. Uncover stockpot; continue simmering 30 minutes or until thickened to desired consistency, stirring occasionally. Stir in beans; cook 5 to 10 minutes or until beans are heated through. Season with salt and black pepper, as desired. Garnish with cilatro, if desired.

Happy Anniversary

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 02:45:00 +0000

We're celebrating the one-year anniversary of this blog by...what? I don't know. I'm still not really sure what I am doing out here exactly. Anyway, thank you posters and lurkers for keeping tabs on us. Have happy holidays all of you!

Un-Alinea'd

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 02:41:00 +0000

My sister Maris gave me the most amaaaaazing Chanukkah present - the Alinea Cookbook. I have hardly begun to really read the thing up close or log in to the special, cookbook-owners only website, but I have surveyed it and have formulated some thoughts. See below.

For those of you who don't know about Alinea, it's a cutting edge so-called "molecular" cooking restaurant in Chicago that is so stratospherically expensive and so hard to get a reservation at that most of us will never eat there. But we can, through the cookbook, get a glimpse of what goes on in a restaurant that produces cuisine that is part French Laundry, part Willy Wonka and run by a man who outdistances even cancer survivors like Lance Armstrong - see this article in the New Yorker . It's pretty mind blowing how someone can be an executive chef while taste-blind. Most people would just give up.

The book has received many reviews, in fact both the Times and the WSJ reviewed the cookbook this past week - but I haven't read either and I'm going to throw my two cents in anyway.

It's inspiring and creative and definitley makes one want to go out and buy immersion blenders and other gadgets, but after awhile, one begins to think that the presentation of the food is just...creepy. It looks like is something characters in a Hieronymus Bosch painting would eat. The base-line recipes sound simple and elegant, but the accompaniements look like things one could purchase at the Chicago-Chinatown branch of exotic candy store Aji Ichiiban, home of munchies delight (it finally has a website! See the Octopus special).

After reading through the recipes, I had to ask myself "Is it really that exciting to eat at a restaurant that spends a lot of time making its own fruit leather and geeking on presentation like a food stylist on speed?" Maybe...if you really like fruit leather and gel candies and vaguely sexual Robert Mapplethorp-like food. As a Cincinnatian, somehow I should be opposed to all of that. Especially the Mapplethorp part.

Still, Bartleby and I were inspired enough to spend our afternoon pretending we were in the kitchen of Alinea. He might not have been aware of the subtext. I bought a bunch of fruit leather (organic, from Trader Joe's) and a really weird looking dried tropical fruit mix. We cut the leather pieces and started to experiement. Bartleby wanted to know what it would taste like warm, so we tried microwaving it and discovered it tastes really good heated for eight seconds. As far as presentation, you can see from the pictures that now festoon this blog (shot by Bartleby) that we just might be contenders in the world of molecular cooking or food photography. Look out Chicago. Here we come.

Thanksgiving Cheese

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 02:16:00 +0000

We had a very successful Thanksgiving, thanks to two recipes from The Wall Street Journal, which is working hard to improve its arts and leisure coverage (we can still hear its starchy editors straining their pinstripes as they try to be Times imitators, but we've been enjoying its enthusiastic food articles).

We used the turkey recipe and, even without the right kind of pot, we managed to make a moist, flavorful bird (with a short stop for giblet eating along the way that was not clear from the recipe if we were supposed to do or not). We also made the Thai-style sweet potato, which was delish, although not quite coconutty or cinammon-flavored enough for me. There's always next year. I also murdered an adorable Halloween pumpkin (see picture) to make pies.

That's Bartleby you see up there and he is really the one with the best Thanksgiving story. What am I thankful for about Bartleby? Everything, but this Thanksgiving he really keyed in to what the holiday is all about: buying very special, expensive cheese.

I bought some Humboldt Fog and some Pleasant Ridge Reserve from the new, extremely upscale Kroger, with a Murray's Cheese Shop, that just opened in our ever more upscale mall. Don't talk to me about recession! The entire mall has been packed for the last two months and that Kroger is going day and night. Anyway, the special, expensive cheese was wrapped in paper.

Bartleby has never seen cheese that is wrapped in paper or bought it from a cheese counter. He was crazy to try the cheese. For an entire day he asked about the cheese and I told him he had to wait until Thanksgiving. While I was getting dressed to take him somewhere (probably to distract him from the cheese), I heard some rummaging in the fridge, but didn't care to go look. A few minutes later, he came to my room and said,
"Mommy, I almost did something unacceptable."
"What's that?" I asked, thinking the worst, obviously.
"I almost opened the Thanksgiving cheese," he said, to my surprise.
"The really special expensive cheese?" I asked, just to be sure.
"Yes."
"But you didn't."
"I almost opened it, but I didn't."
"I guess you really want to try that cheese?"
"Yes."
"Well," I said, "If we're going to do this, let's do it right. Let's go taste cheese."

So we went into the kitchen, I poured myself some wine and Bartleby some juice, let Bartleby unwrap the cheeses and cut him small pieces. He asked what the black stuff was on the Humboldt Fog. "Chocolate," I lied. How do you explain mold to a three year old? He tasted the Pleasant Ridge Reserve.
I asked, "Do you like them."
"Not so much," he said, then "Can I have a cookie?" without missing a beat.

When I finally served the cheese, he was excited to see it out on the table, but all he said was, "I want a cheese stick."

"From My Backyard I See...Russia And Such"

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 02:27:00 +0000

The historic election is over, but I have to make one last jab about my favorite VP candidate - Sarah Palin. Besides missing Tina Fey's impression, I am going to miss all the research on caribou recipes. I suppose I'll have to shelve my plan for an upcoming cook book of caribou recipes, in English and Russian. So, here's my last shot.

Ms. Palin did a post-electoral interview with Fox News, you know, the non-elite media, that was supposed to portray her as up-beat and busy as ever. The ladies on The View, the elite media (except for the blonde), had way too much fun deconstructing the clip of Palin in her kitchen. "Who cooks in a business suit?" they asked. And then one of them said, "She was making hot dogs with cheese or something. I wanted the recipe!"

Because it's The View and it moves at a fast pace, no one could connect the dots (and I don't mean figuring out how to make a cheese dog - Velveeta. Hot dog. Bun. C'mon!). Cooking in a business suit. Cheese dogs. There's no doubt about it, Palin is planning a political-interview cooking show. Something like This Week combined with Rachel Ray. Look out View ladies, she could be taking away some of your ratings!

High Holiday Ball Busting

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 02:10:00 +0000

Cooking for the Jewish High Holidays (New Year's and its conclusion on the Day of Atonement), is something of a competitive sport in Cincinnati. It may be in Chicago, too, or other cities, but I never kickboxed there with a bunch of Jewish girls, so I wouldn't know.

Since kickboxing and brisket don't seem like a natural fit, let me explain further. For the past year, I've been taking kickboxing at the Jewish Community Center. Our instructor, former military, who we will call Bob Weaver, is a generous guy who puts up with a lot, including trading of brisket recipes during class. The sessions during the week leading up to Rosh Ha'Shanna sounded something like this:

Gal One (hitting bag): "I've got twenty people coming!" "HRRAA!" "THUD"
Gal Two: "What are you making?"
Gal One: "THUNK" "Brisket! Of course!" "KEYUP!"
Gal Two (hitting bag): "HAAA" "How?" (pant pant)
Gal One: "WHAOP KA THUD" "Cooks eight hours"
Gal Two: "What?" (Here, the punching stops.)
Gal One: "Yeah. Four at 250 degrees and then it rests overnight. Then another four at 250 the next day."
Bob Weaver: "COME ONE NOW STOP PLAYIN' PATTY CAKE OVER THERE AND POP IT!"
Gal One And Two Hit Bag: "HRRAAA!" "THUD"
Gal Three (kicking bag): "My mother in-law makes it in advance and freezes it."
Gal One: "WHOMP" "Well, that's efficient."
Gal Three: "No, it's disgusting!" "HRRUMPH! THWACK!"
"It's all...GUHGH! Mushy!"
Bob Weaver: "COME ON LADIES, FOCUS!"
Gal Four (leaning over the top of the bag): "The best brisket I've ever had has 7-Up in it. My mother swears by it."
Gal Two (pausing mid-ab crunch): "Really? I've heard of using Coca Cola, but not 7-Up."
Bob Weaver: "SLACKERS! COME ON!!!!"

And so forth...

Inspired by my girls, I made a brisket with fig confit, a carrot souffle, spinach, a homemade challah and a plum tart. Isabelle, my mother, called me a "ballabusta", an archaic Yiddish word meaning something like Supermom, but not so nice. But I don't speak Yiddish, so I said, "Yeah, I've been taking this kickboxing class. I guess I am a ball buster."

Why We Cook

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 01:53:00 +0000

The other night at a friend's house, someone asked the woman who brought the delish lentil soup, "Why did you learn to cook?" And the woman said, "I was poor! I needed to eat!" Indeed, but some of us in that very situation choose to scavenge, more or less, rather than cook. Before I learned to cook full meals well, the food I ate fit into four categories: attempts at cooking (many a strange vegetarian meal composed of recipes from the Moosewood Cooks At Home), abject failures (plum reduction for dinner, anyone?), eating out (cheap eats only!) and leftovers. Some people have even more scant categories on their resume: microwaving, cheap eats, delivery and leftovers. It's got to be more than "poverty" that impells us to cook. Fresh ingredients are still costly, though less so than prepared food. Time is money and cooking takes time. It also takes thought and planning. I think it has something to do with the simple satisfaction of making something. Most days, making dinner is the only task of the day that has a clear beginning and an end. It has boundaries. Sometimes I think the best decisions I make are the ones about what to buy and then how to cook it. The more I think about it, the more I know that I learned to cook to keep my self in balance, not just my checkbook.

A Chicken In A Pot

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 16:59:00 +0000

In response to Hildy's post on cooking for the great, big, fat recession we're in, my good friend, who we will call Kentucky Mimi, just shattered the myth that you can't cook a whole chicken in a slow cooker. Some background: Kentucky Mimi is a native Cincinnatian who settled in Kentucky, just across the river. She is a fabulous cook, an authority on Jewish food, as well as what here is called "country" food (which in my ignorance I once referred to as Southern and have lived to rue the day) and a genius baker. Although a warning, if you go to a cooking demo with her, be prepared to wear padding or you will be bruised from the number of times she elbows you in the ribs to inform you, "That's not the way I would do it."

Here's what you do: Take a whole chicken, rub it in paprika, ground black pepper and kosher salt. Put it in the cooker 3 hours on high or 6 on low. If you're Kentucky Mimi, you use the time to cook sides and bake several desserts involving chocolate. If you're me, in the last 30 minutes, boil some potatoes and microwave vegetables. The chicken will come out very soft, but not mushy and spicy.

Left Wing Media "Gotcha" Stew

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 16:30:00 +0000

It's been a busy week at the Juicy Chiken ranch. We've been cooking and watching a lot of YouTube because who watches TV in real-time any more?

Because the weather is cooling, we've been thinking more about stew and it seems so has our favorite person of the month, Sarah Palin. At least, she's been stewing in the juices of the "media elite", you know, those people who actually got their degrees in journalism and spent years crafting their interview abilities, those people who really do read all of those publications "everyone that's put in front of them (sic.)".

In honor of Palin's bumbling week of media relations, here's a recipe from Family Circle, a publication that perhaps Palin can digest, for Chicken Posole. Although, posole, a traditional New Mexican holiday food with its roots in Mexico (a country Palin has visited), might be a little exotic for the less-than-well-travelled candidate.

A few brief words about this recipe from your own Clever Gretel - this great-tasting stew is not only cost appropriate, $1.40 per serving, for dire economic times ("The brink of the abyss," according to France's President Sarkozy), it's also a good grain choice, with 4 grams of dietary fiber per cup of white hominy (15 percent of the daily value for fiber). That should give you the fortification you need to get through the rest of the election season:

Ingredients

2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1-1/4 pounds boneless, skinless chicken thighs, cut into 1-inch pieces
2 cans (15 ounces) white hominy, drained and rinsed
1 medium-size onion, chopped
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon dried red pepper flakes
2 large chicken bouillon cubes
4 cups water
1 can (14.5 ounces) petite cut diced tomatoes with jalapenos (such as Del Monte), drained
1 tablespoon lime juice
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper

Directions

1. Combine, garlic, chicken, hominy, onion, oregano, cumin, red pepper flakes, bouillon cubes and water in slow cooker. Cover and cook on HIGH for 3 hours or LOW for 5 hours.

2. Remove cover and stir in tomatoes, lime juice, salt and pepper until warmed through. Serve imediately.

Note: If you do not have a slow cooker, bring ingredients to a boil, reduce heat and simmer on stove top until consistency is stew-like, about an hour.

Economic Crisis Hash

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 01:28:00 +0000

Although the market value of hash has yet to be exactly determined (could be $700 billion, could be a week's worth of food stamps, Paulson hasn't said), its stock is going up at the Juicy Chiken Ranch where we have no idea how much our 401K just lost and have decided that stretch foods are going to be in vogue.

Of course, making a stretch food presumes you have something to stretch and something to stretch it with, so really, we should always look for the positive side when cooking during an economic crisis. Sort of like the government bailout. The positive side is that we have a government capable of printing money to bail Wall Street out - right? Right? Sorry, I didn't hear you. The hash is frying very loudly.

Anyway, to make Economic Crisis Hash you had to have lamb with potatoes on Friday when the crisis was just wrapping up for the week. You made it with really expensive lamb shoulder from Trader Joe's which ran you about $18. The cute little yellow potatoes were an insane $3.99 per bag. But, you fed your friends and yourselves two meals and then you had the potatoes left. You made the lamb in your crock-pot, which makes you feel very middle-America and entitled to some righteous anger about the Wall Street bailout. You also feel paranoid, which, according to this week's Journal, only proves you were born in New Jersey.

The paranoia causes you, around mid-week, with no bailout passed by Congress, to crave comfort food. You heat a skillet, put in olive oil because you don't have butter (have you checked the commodities listings in the Journal for butter prices?), add the old potatoes from Friday, smoosh them down, add some of Bartleby's leftover meatballs, fry until brown and crack four eggs on top. You plan to put the cost savings from the grocery bill back into your 401K.

Your husband thinks you are a kitchen goddess. "How brilliant!" he cries when you serve him the hash. "Sunday brunch for dinner!" You tell him you are happy he still has the capacity to enjoy the little things in life and that, by the way, you are going on a shopping spree for gold bullion. His mouth is too full of hash to say no.

Cupcakes Shmupcakes

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 02:52:00 +0000

My sister, Maris, the diehard foodie disguised as a lawyer (who is still a size two, well, they don't call it Figure Skating for nothin') sent me this link to an article about More, a cupcake bakery in the Chicago Gold Coast.

Now, I know Clever Gretel here has been spending the better part of the last 49 entries BITCHING about moving away from one of the food capitals of the WORLD to live in a mid-sized city in the southeastern part of the mid-west (OK, it's CINCINNATI and I don't care who knows), but More is something that is making me glad I live someplace where there is less.

I'm A Maverick, Too

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 22:47:00 +0000

I've decided that I meet and possibly exceed all the qualifications to run for Vice President of this country. All I need is the six degrees of separation theory to work for me and I will come to the attention of my party. Then, the Democrats will do the right thing by ditching the respectable, but dull, Joe Biden, and put me on the ticket. I can take on Sarah Palin. Especially if it comes to a cook-off.

Now I will, for you my wonderful public, vet myself. My credentials are as follows:

Education - an even match with Palin. I graduated from a Big Ten school (Indiana) where I helped manage a dorm about the size of Wasilla, Alaska. I went back to graduate school to actually earn a degree in Journalism, as opposed to go into the field totally green. Ooops, I might be overqualified.

Work experience - I worked for two WHOLE years in state government in Indiana. I dealt with difficult people. It was exactly like being a community organizer and a state legislator rolled into one. I traveled the state preaching the gospel of Free Trade, which I guess makes me kind of a righty, but at the time it was hip to be a Clinton centrist. I ate a lot of fried smelt and cobbler in small Indiana towns. Fried smelt is right up there with caribou for eating native cuisine.

Family life - I am married to a man who ran a stop light on his way to a booty call with me when we were dating, but has never driven drunk and does not like to be referred to as "dude". I suppose I get points off for planning the pregnancy of my one child, having genetic testing prior to pregnancy and the triple screen of my FETUS at eleven weeks followed by regular ultrasounds. 'Nuff said.

Fitness - I have a twice-weekly kickboxing workout routine, which means I can fend off my enemies with a surprise uppercut to the ribs and a crescent kick to the head. Jogging, even if you look cute doing it, does not prepare you for an average day on the streets of D.C. It also makes my butt very, very tight. Uh oh, another potential over qualification.

Style - At 38, I look damn good in heels and a skirt, thanks to the kickboxing. I do not have a librarian 'do. I wear my hair in a modified pixie, like the now more stylish and even more beautiful Governess of Michigan. I wear contacts instead of nerd-tech glasses designed hide my crow's feet and me look smarter than I already am, which inches me closer to overqualified.

Life experience - When it comes to facing challenges, I am your woman. For example, Lincoln bought some four pounds of hamburger meat this weekend (you remember hamburger meat? It comes from cows. We raise them, slaughter them in a kind of gross industrial way and eat them here in the Lower 48, but they taste good). Perhaps it was in anticipation of a Labor Day party we never got around to throwing. Perhaps he forgot he is living in household comprised of himself and two quasi-vegetarians. Anyway, I turned it into three meals, including a very delicious Cottage Pie (the beef version of Shepherd's Pie) without breaking a sweat, wearing an apron or pandering to any constituencies. When the leftover potatoes were too few to make the covering, I used hamburger buns soaked in milk because, dammit, didn't you know there is a RECESSION going on? I do. Ingenious and frugal, that's me, the stuff legends (and indigestion) are made of. So, definitely overqualified.

Now go ahead Mr. Obama, keep on saying you will raise my taxes, pull energy out of a magic hat and by all means, keep your elitist distaste for the likes of Sarah Palin. With me, a real American woman, by your side, you will not lose. I am behind you all the way. Because I have to be.

Caribou Don't Win Beauty Contests

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 07:55:00 +0000

I am sure that the blog-o-sphere is crawling with commentary about the Republican choice for the Veep slot and I am just as sure that I am not reading any of it because my mind is made up. Oh no, you say, our Dear Clever Gretel is going all political on this blog. No, I am not. I am, as usual, disgusted with everyone, but in a non-partisan, foodie, way.

I cannot vote for Obama because, as many fine members of the mainstream media have already mentioned, he doesn't eat. Yet, I cannot vote for McCain/Palin because she can't cook. I quote from the WSJ, Sept. 2, Palin's Family Life Moves To Center Stage: "In her two years as governor of Alaska, and especially in the four months since her son was born with Down syndrome, Sarah Palin has been portrayed as the very model of a working mother: She answers her BlackBerry while pumping breast milk for her infant; keeps a playpen by her desk; and manages a state while cooking caribou hot dogs for her family."

I mean, all those delicious, four-legged, wild herbivores in Alaska and the best she can do is make caribou hot dogs for the kids? A quick google search yields an endless trove of caribou recipes including braised caribou, pan-fried caribou steaks, caribou curry, caribou empanadas, caribou roast in gin and maple barbecued caribou ribs.

Really, what kind of supermom is she? I expected more. Someone who can represent me in the kitchen, as well as the nation. Someone who can legislate, drive four kids to hockey practice (each at different times), not be a total crank to her hubby, hunt down the "bacon" and make it into caribou cordon bleu. Can you picture her serving up a caribou hot dog to Vladimir Putin? I didn't think so.

I am planning to throw my vote to the wolves. See you in November.

Fire Alarm Chicken

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 01:38:00 +0000

I thought the cooking muse might be back. Thought I felt her in the vicinity of the fridge, whispering, "It's a good time to cook. It's night. The house is quiet. You have a nice organic chicken in there. You have onions and fresh mushrooms." I opened the fridge. Sure enough, she was right. I cut up carrots, onions and mushrooms. I washed the chicken and I stuffed it. I salted and peppered the chicken. I put it on the rack and into the preheated oven.

Then it started to smoke. And the alarm went off. I cursed the cooking muse for bating me into the lair of the Greasy Oven Beast,who surely had got that way after a sacrificial act on her behalf. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.

Once the fire department left, I had a problem on my hands. Find a way to cook the chicken without the oven, which was still breathing fire, or loose about six bucks worth of organic chicken. Lincoln reminded me that we own a convection-oven-broiler-toaster-on-steroids that usually just takes up counter space and does waffle snawidges for Bartleby. When I said the chicken wouldn't fit in the underutilized toaster, he also reminded me I own a meat cleaver. Now I know why I got married in the first place.

I got to work. Thwack! went the cleaver through the breast bone. Underneath the now split chicken, I put the mushroom stuffing. On top, butter, of course. What came out, tasted amazingly like the Brick Chicken at the Rosebud Cafe in Chicago (on Ontario), which is sadly no longer on the menu.

It was very quiet in the house again, just the sound of me nibbling piece of crispy skin at around 10:30 p.m. I thought I heard a soft murmur, something about dessert...an abundance of apples in the fridge....and I shut off the kitchen light and went to bed.

At The Movies - Theater of The Absurd

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 13:30:00 +0000

We took Bartleby to see his first movie - Wall-E. Like all Disney movies, he was traumatized for the first thirty minutes and then got interested despite himself. This, Maris and I, have referred to amongst ourselves as the Disney Trauma Phenomenon.

Wall-E is about a future world where mankind has trashed the planet, moved to outer space and become an obese race (for both cultural and scientific reasons). At this flick, the Disney trauma phenomenon works in reverse for adults. We are amused by Wall-E's antics as a suave bachelor-robot living alone on a deserted planet and making the best of it with the help of an i-pod Nano and a video of Hello Dolly. But watching the infant-like people in the second half of the film propel themselves around a space station in hovercraft versions of motorized scooters, drink endless "Big Gulp"-type drinks and watch TV continually while robot hairdressers and makeup artists hover around them telling the bloated women how great they look was flat-out depressing. Yet, the movie's ability to make audiences not only understand the link between environment and lifestyle, but motivate to take action fell flat thanks to an all-too-chipper Disney ending aimed at relieving the audience, as a whole, of trauma and guilt induced during the story.

The rubber, digital watch we were given with our tickets as a premium for seeing the movie should have given us a clue we'd be in for a disappointment of Disney proportions, despite glowing reviews in major newspapers. Then, there was the undeniable fact that we went to see Wall-E in A MOVIE THEATER. It's been so long since Lincoln and I have been to the movies we've forgotten that a small popcorn costs $6 and a small soda was $5.75. Lincoln reports that the soda comes in a new kind of cup with a resealable screw cap that allows you to take all the excess soft drink with you, assuming you don't finish it during the movie. He bought a bottled water ($4). These prices did not deter the audience members from buying large- size pop corn and soda which they probably finished (so much for the go-cup) while watching a movie about the perils of consumption. And the watch didn't even work.

Back when Maris and I were growing up, our mother wouldn't let us buy popcorn for the movies. Instead, we popped it at home in our orange electric popper and smuggled it in oily, brown bags into the theater. Homemade popcorn made the movie-theater popcorn all the more desirable and more satisfying on those rare occasions when we had it. These days, what mother would dare defy the corporate movie chains by forcing her children to become smugglers? And, what mother would, even if she had the courage to bring her own popcorn, but forgot it, just buy the small? With mothers' own innate sense of frugality completely busted, what hope have we? The image from Wall-E of the babies in hovercraft walkers, pacifiers in mouths, being instructed by a giant television set floats up to the minds' eye and gives it a punch.

If this post has made you despair, here's a healthy popcorn recipe to cheer you up. It's a variation on one by chef Jean George Vongerichten, who has been mentioned before in this blog (talk about frugal, you don't have to go to any of his stratoshperically-expensive restaurants to enjoy). Smuggle this spicy treat into the theater next time you go:

Hot Pepper Popcorn:

In a small bowl, mix hot chili pepper popcorn and kosher salt (if you are using unsalted popcorn), about a half teaspoon each, more chili if you like really spicy things. In a large popcorn bowl, add a tablespoon of olive oil. Pop a bag of Newman's Own Natural Unsalted Popcorn. Add popcorn to bowl, stir to coat with olive oil. Add spice and salt. Stir again until popcorn is nicely coated. Enjoy.

Soyriso

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 02:25:00 +0000

Consider me obsessed. I had made my peace with the fattening but satisfying potato/chorizo taco filling by substituting zucchini for sausage. After the Cooking Muse quit my kitchen and I got hit over the head with the vegetarian stick by the vengeful food fairy, I found Soyriso. Yes, you heard me, it's chorizo made out of soy. The folks at Frieda's - the specialty produce people - make it. I'd seen it at Kroger in the organic section and thought I had only imagined it. But when I went back and checked, there it was. It really was called Soyriso and it really did look like the Mexican red sausage in a tube (there is Spanish chorizo - whole other story).

I read the nutrition label and it's not even that bad for you, like some imitation soy meat things can be. I think it's aimed at people under the veggie spell who at one point knew and loved the taste of sausage and also possibly Mexicans (or Texans or New Mexicans all of whom eat chorizo) interested in watching their weight or carbohydrate intake for diabetes control, but probably more the former than the latter. So, off I went to prepare yet another version of potato/chorizo taco filling. When I took it out of the tube it had a kind of gritty texture, which was kind of icky, but the residue in the plastic, though still a meaty-red, was watery instead of oily, which was actually nice.

I followed the recipe exactly and served it up to Lincoln. "It's soy," I said. "No way!" he said. "Parkay," I said. "Butter," he said. Bartleby said, "I don't eat cho-r-ee-tso." It was served alongside Rick Bayless' Mexican Chicken salad and another zucchini taco filling recipe. Yummy. Nothing like a good taco bar lunch on a Sunday. Maybe the muse is back - from Acapulco. For heaven's sake, buy the book. I'm too lazy to re-type the recipes!

$3.50 Ice Cream

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 13:19:00 +0000

I have not dropped off the blog-o-sphere. Here's what's been up in my foodlife:

1) Bartleby has commandeered by laptop. He's proficient at using the touch pad to work games on his fave website, www.pbskids.org. I stopped helping him a week ago, thus forcing him to solve problems on his own. He's doing quite well, thank you.

2) The food muse has just about left the building. As Hildy suggested a few posts ago, I did make a fish offering to lure the muse back. She set a toe in the door, but it seems someone has cast a spell of quasi-vegetarianism on me. I just have no desire to cook or eat red meat. Barely even white meat and none of the "other" meat. Although, the spell lifted long enough for me to eat part of a delicious barbacoa taco at the new upscale Mexican place in what passes for downtown here. Maybe it's a spell of greater discretion and not totally evil. I am not pregnant. In case you were wondering.

3) I had a small serving (about 1 cup) of ice cream that cost $3.50 at Jeni's Ice Cream in Columbus, Ohio. It was the salt caramel flavor. Worth every penny. They ship via Fed Ex. My father said, "It's nice to know that in this economy people can spend $3.50 for ice cream." I didn't tell him about the shipping charges.

4) My babysitter left me to go to pastry school at Johnson and Wales.

Sausage Substitute

noreply@blogger.com (clevergretel) — Fri, 16 May 2008 03:06:00 +0000

A few months ago, I posted a taco filling from Lincoln's man-crush, Rick Bayless, that involves potatoes and chorizo sausage. I was happy to share it with you, but the mommy-fat around my hips that I can't seem to kick-box away recently informed me that maybe, just maybe, it was still hanging around me because of ingredients like chorizo... and slow-cooker corned beef ...and the occasional dim sum orgy.

"Well," I asked it, "What would you suggest?" "It's not that I really want to bid you adieu," it said, in its sweetest, fattiest voice, "But if you want me to go, you might try eating a vegetable now and then and some shredded wheat and such." Right. So here's a veggie version of the Bayless taco filling. It's still high in carbs, but lower in fat and gives you a serving of veggies to boot. I think it might make for a nice brunch dish.

Two zucchini, diced
One box of baby bella mushrooms, sliced
One small bag of Yukon Gold potatoes (about a pound)
Half an onion, diced
One shallot, diced
1/4 tsp. each of cayenne pepper, paprika and cumin
2 T olive oil
1 Avacado for garnish

Halve the potatoes and boil until soft. Drain. In the meantime, dice all veggies, onions and shallots and mix the spices in a small bowl. Heat a skillet. Add 1 T olive oil. Sautee onions and shallots. When soft, add spice mix. Add the potatoes and mash them. Cook until they brown and crisp in places. Heat a separate skillet, add 1 T olive oil and sautee zucchini and baby bellas. When soft, add to warm potato mix and stir. Serve with or without warm corn tortillas. Garnish with avacado slices.