Most of us have a judging mental voice that I call the inner critic. It comes out of nowhere to let us know, loudly, when we (1) have screwed up, (2) are screwing up, or (3) might be about to screw up.

I’ve gotten to know this voice pretty well. However, I’ve also spent a lot of time studying and learning how to tame it. What follows are a collection of tools I’ve used with myself and my clients over the years. I hope that you find something useful if you’re struggling with your own critical voices.

Top 5 Things to Know About the Inner Critic

1. Almost everyone has one. Some are louder than others, and some people have gotten better at making peace with theirs.
2. It was formed at a young age. As a little kid, you probably noticed that you got rewarded when you were “good” and got punished when you were “bad.” In the beginning, adults did the judging for you, but eventually you created your own internal judge to keep you in line even when no one else was around.
3. Its fundamental purpose is to keep you safe. The implicit promise is that if you’re always “good,” you’ll be worthy of love and never have to experience pain or rejection. Therefore, if you ever experience those things, you just aren’t trying hard enough. The pain it causes is justifiable because it keeps you safe, like an adult jerking a kid out of a busy street. It might hurt in the moment, but it’s better than being run over. Except the inner critic sees cars everywhere, even where they don’t exist.
4. It can’t follow through on this promise. The whole “Just be perfect and you’ll be safe and loved” line is a scam at worst and wishful thinking at best. Painful things happen, and the inner critic will take those things and use them as retroactive evidence that you fell short. You will never be able to meet its standards.
5. You can’t get rid of it or shut it up permanently. However, you can lessen its impact in your life by using one or more of the following strategies.

1) Stop buying into its implicit promise.

Now that you know it can’t promise success, acceptance, and security, stop feeding it!

I understand that self-criticism can be a hard habit to break, but seeing it as an unhelpful pattern rather than a virtue interrupts the cycle.

The inner critic will always be around in some form, but when you stop actively buying into what it says, it loses a lot of momentum and power. Sometimes it really is that easy.

Still skeptical about whether it’s worth giving up? Maybe you really do need it to to stay motivated. I respectfully disagree – read why in my article on self-kindness as an effective job-searching strategy.

2) Accept and defuse it.

When you’ve stopped buying into its dubious “wisdom” and accepted that it will always be a part of your life, you can stop fighting it.

Think about how much mental and emotional energy has gone into trying to shut it down or live up to its impossible standards. What would it feel like to opt out of the whole mess and just move on with your life?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy gives us lots of tools for “defusing” the inner critic. When we stop taking it so seriously and start seeing it as something separate from us, we can spend our energy doing things we actually care about.

Here are a few defusing techniques to try:

• Imagine its monologue as a crappy mix tape. What are the top 10 tunes? Then when it starts playing, you can say, “Oh, there’s my ‘I’m a failure and doomed to die alone’ tape!”

• Play the thoughts in your head but imagine them in silly voices. How does the “You’re totally inadequate” thought feel different when Donald Duck is saying it?

• Picture a stream with leaves floating by on the surface. Put each thought you notice on a leaf and let it drift away.

• Imagine your negative feelings as a beach ball that you’re trying to keep submerged under water. Notice how hard it is to concentrate on anything else. What would it be like to let go of the beach ball and allow it to float in a corner of the pool? It’s still there, but it’s a lot easier to swim and relax than before.

• Give your inner critic a face and a name. Who or what do they remind you of? When they start talking, ask yourself, “Is this really someone I want to take advice from?”

Note: A major tenet of ACT is that feeling better isn’t the point, although that often happens when you defuse from your painful thoughts. Ideally, you’d notice the critic was active, do what you need to do to create some space between yourself and it, and then go on with your life. You don’t want to devote too much time and energy to arguing with a mixtape, after all!

3) Open a dialogue.

This takes a slightly different attitude towards the inner critic than the ACT tools. While Accepting and Defusing treats the inner critic like a fundamentally mindless voice that runs on autopilot, Dialoguing comes from the point of view that the critic has good cause for what it’s doing and can be reasoned with.

This approach asks you to accept that you have different parts within yourself that want different things (like when one part of you wants to exercise and another wants to watch TV).

When you accept that the inner critic has its own needs and desires, it’s easy to see that its main motivation is fear. If you let yourself be satisfied with who you are, who knows whether it would be good enough? The inner critic isn’t going to take that chance.

A basic approach to reaching an agreement with your inner critic:

1. Listen to what it’s afraid of and all the things it’s been doing to try to keep you safe.
2. Respond to the fears with compassion and the efforts with appreciation.
3. Come up with some alternate ways of dealing with the fears that don’t make you feel like crap.
4. Ask the inner critic what it thinks and listen to any objections that come up.
5. Continue to negotiate until you come up with a plan that satisfies the inner critic and makes it feel safe enough to take a break.

This approach is really well-suited to working with a coach or therapist. If you’re doing it by yourself, I recommend journalling. One surprisingly effective technique is to use your non-dominant hand for the critic and dominant hand for the interviewer.

Coach Havi Brooks has a unique and playful way of talking to her “monsters,” as she calls them. Check out her blog posts Not All Monsters Like Cookies; The Negotiator, the Monster, and the Scribe; and Monster-Watching: Some Notes.

An important thing to keep in mind here is that you want to be talking to your inner critic from the kindest, wisest, most patient part of yourself. Think of a nurturing parent, a wise friend, or a supportive teacher. If you’re having trouble accessing those qualities, check out the next approach.

4) Develop compassionate inner resources.

In addition to your inner critic, you have a positive counterpart. I call it the healthy adult; some people call it your inner wisdom or your inner mentor. This is the part of you that always acts with compassion and wisdom. It knows the truth: that there is nothing wrong with you.

One way to tap into this resource is to recall times when this part of you was present to make good decisions. Let yourself relive those memories.

What qualities did you exhibit? Love, kindness, patience, good boundaries, courage, perspective, and groundedness are all qualities I’ve heard from clients over the years. How does it feel in your body when this part of you is really present?

Hypnosis is a fantastic way to get in touch with this part of yourself – check out my stress-relief and self-confidence session if you’d like to experience this in a really concrete, empowering way.

Another way is to imagine yourself 20 years in the future, all grown up into the person you always hoped you’d be. What would that person say or do? How would they act? What suggestions would they make?

Author Tara Sophia Mohr has a beautiful guided meditation to take you through this process, available here (free in exchange for your e-mail).

A third way is to take the love and kindness you feel towards someone dear in your life and direct it inwards. How would you treat them in this situation? How would they treat you? Sometimes it’s much easier to access compassion and understanding for others than it is for ourselves.

Finally, a quick and dirty way: fake it till you make it. Ask yourself, “How would I act if I loved myself completely and unconditionally?” Do whatever the answer is.

5) Finally: be a scientist.

The opposite of judgment is curiosity. When you notice the inner critic coming up, get curious. Start gathering data. When do you notice its voice being particularly loud? Is it a constant presence, or are there certain situations that trigger it? The inner critic isn’t especially complicated – the thoughts that come up tend to follow certain patterns.

I’ve found a journal especially useful for staying in scientist-mind.

Here are some prompts to get you started if you’d like to begin taking your own field notes:

• I’m noticing that…
• My inner critic is especially loud when:
• Underneath the criticism, I’m really afraid of:
• If I stopped being so hard on myself, I’m afraid that:
• What’s helpful in dealing with my inner critic:
• What’s not helpful in dealing with my inner critic:
• Internal and external resources I can count on:
• What would be helpful to remind myself of?
• Healthy ways to distract myself from my inner critic monologue:
• I envision my inner critic as…
• What do I need right now?
• What am I believing that it’s not okay for me to need, want, be, have, or do?
• What would it be like to accept myself exactly the way I am right now?

So there you have it.

There are lots of ways of dealing with this voice in our head. Whether you see it as an enemy, a misguided coping mechanism, a scared little kid, or just a tape loop, this part of you is here to stay – so you might as well make peace with it.

Obviously, this is an incredibly broad overview about a complex topic. Nevertheless, I hope it gives you a place to start and some ideas for things to try. Whatever you do, don’t let your inner critic turn your self-compassion practice into another stick to beat yourself with!

Unlearning the patterns of self-criticism and replacing them with self-kindness isn’t easy for all of us. I remember thinking, “What would I do with myself if I’m okay the way I am?” I was invested in looking for problems to fix beause I thought that was the only way to make progress.

But when I remember to approach my life with curiosity, compassion and humor, it’s amazing how much gets done – no stick needed. Go ahead, try it out and see what happens. As Cheri Huber says, “If it doesn’t work, you can always beat yourself up twice as hard tomorrow!”

Inner critic making it difficult for you to make progress on your career goals? Schedule a complimentary strategy call with me to discover how coaching can help you move forward. 

Recommended Reading on the Inner Critic:

• Cheri Huber, There Is Nothing Wrong With You
• Kristen Neff, Self-Compassion
• Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
• Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
• Tara Sophia Mohr, Playing Big
• Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap

image credit: freeimages.com/Marcelo Gerpe

The post 5 Ways of Coping With Your Inner Critic appeared first on Julia Bushue Career Coaching.

While I was healing from a foot injury this spring, I spent a lot of time thinking about the similarities between injury and unemployment.

You’re moving along, living your life, getting things done, and then all of a sudden everything screeches to a halt. Your life feels smaller and more constrained, defined by the things you can’t do. Your only option is to be patient and do things that support getting better.

It was a frustrating month, but the experience surprised me with some hidden gifts that I want to share with you today.

8 lessons learned from a month on the couch

1. Not everything happens for a reason, but you can create meaning to reduce suffering.
2. Don’t force gratitude, but notice it when it arises.
3. Let yourself rest. 
4. Detach from any roles you’re currently over-identified with.
5. What opportunities does this situation present?
6. Things may be happening behind the scenes.
7. Learn to be okay with asking for help.
8. Notice and appreciate your abilities when they return.

1. Not everything happens for a reason, but you can create meaning to reduce suffering.

I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. However, how you choose to interpret what happens can have a big effect on your outlook. Reframing an unfortunate event (like unemployment or injury) as a challenge and a potential source of growth is an incredibly powerful practice.

This doesn’t happen quickly for everyone. Depending on your circumstances, you might have to move through your grief, anger, and disappointment before you can start looking for the gold.

I would never compare my experiences to that of concentration camp survivor Viktor Frankl, but I often find comfort in his words: “We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation…we are challenged to change ourselves.”

2. Don’t force gratitude, but notice it when it arises.

When someone tells me to “look on the bright side,” I usually feel like throat-punching them. That being said, I’m surprised by how much gratitude I felt once the worst of the pain was over. I had access to help and resources that made my situation much more bearable than it could have been.

You might not be ready to look for the positive in your situation, but I suspect that it’s there. Check out my blog post on gratitude journal alternatives for ungrateful people if you’d like a little help reframing your situation.

3. Let yourself rest.

I spent the first few days after my accident sleeping on the couch. I told myself that I was putting all my available resources towards healing. Even though I’d given myself permission to rest as much as I wanted, I started feeling restless and wanting something to do after only a few days.

If you’ve just become unemployed, whether or not it was voluntary, you might have some detoxing to do. Give yourself permission to slow down.

I think it’s likely that if you let yourself truly rest without guilt, you won’t need nearly as much downtime as you might think before you’re ready to start taking action again. Check out this article if you have trouble with guilt-free rest.

4. Detach from any roles you’re currently over-identified with.

After my accident, I temporarily lost my identity as an avid walker and hiker. I had to reconcile myself to becoming more dependent and sedentary than I was comfortable with. That didn’t feel good!

Identity shifts are a part of life, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t jarring. If you really identified with your former profession, or as an employed person, you might be looking around and trying to figure out who you are without those labels.

It can feel vulnerable and awkward, but it’s helpful to remember that you never were those external markers – you just carried them around for a while. What are the parts of you that are impervious to loss or the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?

5. What opportunities does this situation present?

This is the big question, the one that’s hard to ask when all you can see is lack and limitation. For the first few days after my accident, all I could think about were the things I couldn’t do.

But then: I rekindled my love affair with crochet. I spent more time learning tarot, something I’d picked up right before my accident. I hobbled to the library to check out books on neuroscience, work habits, and contemporary spirituality (also Squirrel Girl, because sometimes a lady needs a break).

What opportunities are you being given here? Unemployment often comes with the gift of time. You can’t spend 100% of the day researching, applying to, and interviewing for jobs. What are you going to do with the rest of the day? Volunteer, cook, build something, take a free class?

I understand that you have to be at a certain place mentally and emotionally before you can even start contemplating this stuff, but know that these options exist for you when you’re ready.

6. Things may be happening behind the scenes, even if you can’t see them.

The first week of wound healing is dedicated to the “inflammation period,” when it looks like nothing is happening. My toe looked just as terrible on day 5 as it did right after the accident. But by day 7, it didn’t just look a little better – it looked a lot better.

So little of the job searching process is in your control. Sometimes it feels like you’re constantly waiting for people to get back to you. When you get frustrated, it can be helpful to remind yourself that you’re planting seeds to see what will sprout.

One of my clients got invited to an interview for her dream two months after she applied. Another didn’t hear back at all and it turned out to be because they were rewriting the description to something that actually suited her better.

This is a good time to let go of what you can’t control and focus on areas where you can make a difference. Brush up on your skills, take a class or a training, or throw yourself into a personal project. Satisfy your need for progress in another area of your life while you’re waiting for this one to bear fruit.

7. Learn to be okay with receiving help, because sometimes you don’t have a choice.

I’m an independent person. “No problem, I can do it” is a personal motto. There was a lesson for me here, too. My husband cleaned and dressed my wound twice a day. He also brought me things, helped me shower, and listened to me complain.

Receiving without giving back brought up a lot of emotions: humility and frustration with my limitations, guilt that I wasn’t able to reciprocate, fear of being too much of a bother – and then finally gratitude and appreciation.

The bootstrapping myth is strong in our culture and it can be difficult to overcome that conditioning. But I’ve seen over and over again that the fastest way forward is by getting help. Practice asking for support, information, advice, an introduction. It feels vulnerable, but the worst you’ll get is a “no” and the potential payoff is enormous.

8. Notice and appreciate your abilities when they return.

I’m newly appreciative of things I’d taken for granted before: wearing normal shoes, walking to the end of the block, showering without standing in a plastic bucket.

Humans are quite adaptive and I’m sure I’ll be back to showering bucket-free without a second thought in no time, but for now I’m reveling in the novelty of ease.

When you do return to work, take the time to notice what becomes easier in your life. It may be financial breathing room or a sense of stability, security, and personal value. It might be the pleasure of meeting new people and learning new skills.

What did you miss about having a job? Let yourself enjoy having those things again.

Who knew limitation could be such a profound teacher?

If you’re feeling discouraged, I hope there’s a useful takeaway or two here for you! And if you liked this and could use some extra support with your career exploration, I’ve got you covered.

The post Unemployment & Living with Limitation appeared first on Julia Bushue Career Coaching.

Whatever they are, maybe you should be paying a little more attention to them.

Back when I was desperately trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I spent all my free time reading self-help books and blogs. I thought if I just did enough journalling exercises, I’d stumble across the right path. Maybe you’ve been there, too.

When I wasn’t reading books with titles like Finding Your Own North Star (an A+ read, by the way), I was checking out books on neuroscience and psychology. I was also weirdly drawn to marketing blogs, even though I didn’t have a “thing” I was trying to market at the time.

In retrospect, it’s kind of surprising that it took me as long as it did to figure it out.

I’m sure you’ve guessed the big reveal already:

Eventually, I realized that nothing made me happier than thinking and talking about…what makes people happy. Where they get stuck. Why they do the things they do.

From there, I just had to connect the dots to find a way to do that as a living.

So, let me ask you:

• What interests could you spend all day doing or talking/thinking about?

• Where are you already spending your free time, attention, and energy?

• If you woke up tomorrow with no responsibilities, how would you spend your day? (Let’s assume you’re already well-rested and don’t need to catch up on sleep.)

• If you could become an expert on anything, what would it be?

I’m not saying that your answers to these questions are The Answers to what you should be doing with your life. But they might have some valuable clues you’re overlooking. Maybe your love of legos will reveal something deep and profound about yourself!

Hint: watch out for thoughts like, “But isn’t everybody interested in [X]?” or “[Y] is just a dumb thing I’m into, there’s no way I can make a career out of it.” Give your inner critic a rest and let yourself be curious about what comes up. Let me know how it goes!

If you’d like some help sifting through the data, sign up for a chat. As you already know, talking about this kind of stuff is my happy place. Who knows what we might discover together?

The post Your interests are clues to your right life. Pay attention! appeared first on Julia Bushue Career Coaching.

Me? I walk. I like taking pictures, too.

I wear a lot of hats in the course of my day. I’m a coach, a cat-mom, a spouse, and a friend (not to mention a housekeeper/cook/financial manager/general adulting person).

The post What are you doing to feed your soul? appeared first on Julia Bushue Career Coaching.

Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans came into being when two Stanford School of Design professors asked, “What if we take the tools we use to solve design problems and use them to create a roadmap for life satisfaction?”

I honestly can’t say enough about this book. I recently listened to it as I was driving across the state and I kept wanting to pause and take notes. Over and over again, I felt that spark of mingled admiration and envy that happens when someone puts your ideas into words and does it more elegantly than you could.

Your Powers, Combined

One of my main annoyances with the world of career planning is the dichotomy between what I’ll call the Dreamers and the Doers. You’ve probably encountered both: one person tells you to follow your passion, the other tells you how to hone your networking skills. You’re either floating in fantasyland or bored by 101 interview tips.

In my never-so-humble opinion, the best sources embody the Talking Heads lyric of “feet on the ground, head in the sky.” They emphasize the importance of a dream and a plan, teaching you how to effectively combine emotion, intellect, and action. Designing Your Life does this better than almost anything else I’ve come across.

Start On the Inside, Work Your Way Out

The book starts out by introducing some basic concepts and mindset tips. You’ll learn the value of staying curious, trying things (instead of getting stuck in endless analysis), and asking for help. It encourages you to start where you are and gather data about your current situation to see what’s working and what’s not. Then, it takes you through the process of generating possible directions to explore.

The second half of the book encourages you to take what you’ve learned and put it into action. It walks you through road-testing your ideas through a combination of information-gathering and test experiences. Finally, it concludes with some last words about effective decision-making (because they know that even after all this work, it’s still possible to get stuck in second-guessing).

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…

If you’ve participated in a program with me before, this process will sound familiar. It’s very similar to what I do with my people and if you had enough focus and motivation, you would get just as much from this book as you would from one of my 1:1 coaching programs. That’s right – this book is good enough to potentially put me out of a job, and I’m still recommending it.

If you’ve read Designing Your LIfe, I’d love to hear what you thought! Leave me a comment below.

The post Book Review: Designing Your Life appeared first on Julia Bushue Career Coaching.

Use your past to plan your future.

It’s easy to look back at an experience and say, “that was pretty fun,” or “oh man, I hated that.” But what actually goes into that assessment?

• Was it the people?
• The environment?
• What you were doing?

The guidebook takes you through the process of looking at past experiences with new eyes so you can get clear on what worked for you and what didn’t.

Save time and energy during your career exploration.

When you’re finished with the guidebook, you’ll have a list of things to look for and things to avoid. What can you do with this list?

• Is one of your problems feeling like you have too many options to explore? You now have an easy way to rule out the ones that don’t fit.

• Do you have a hard time seeing all the possibilities out there? Your list is a great way to generate ideas for some new avenues to explore.

• Do you have a tendency to either jump into or over-think decisions? This will give you a good foundation for moving forward without getting stuck in endless reflection.

You can’t get much simpler than this.

Anatomy of a Dream Job is a great first step if you’re looking for a place to start thinking about where you’d like to take your career.

Check it out and let me know what you think!

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She was bored stiff, but she was having trouble seeing what else she was qualified to do. She also wasn’t sure about leaving a workplace so soon after her hiring date.

Kelly was so afraid of making the wrong move that she wasn’t doing anything.

The thought of job-searching filled her with anxiety, but so did staying where she was.

Because she thought she had to get everything right on the first try, she ended up trapped by her own expectations. Like many smart people, she spent a lot of time in her head and easily worked herself into a spiral of self-judgments that kept her even more paralyzed.

She needed a way to calm her fears and conquer her perfectionism.

Over time, we worked together to tease out the judgments and assumptions that made it hard to move forward. She also learned some techniques for quieting her anxious thoughts and taking them less seriously.

“I’m starting to realize my anxiety isn’t my fault,” she told me once. “It’s not because I’m doing something wrong, it’s just something that’s happening in my brain. I just have to wait for it to pass.”

With each session, she recovered more of her self-confidence.

Soon, with my encouragement, she started sending out job applications. Eventually she got an offer for an administrative position at a university in a large city.

The pay and benefits were better than she’d ever had before, and moving to the city gave her more opportunities to share her creative work and build a community of like-minded people. There were also more job opportunities for her husband, who was able to find a similar position soon after she did.

Since we worked together, Kelly’s professional and personal life has flourished. She’s gained recognition for her creative work and recently negotiated a promotion at her day job. She and her husband are enjoying more financial stability and life satisfaction than ever before.

Where is your perfectionism keeping you stuck?

Are the “shoulds” and “have tos” keeping you from taking action towards a more fulfilling career? I promise that if you wait until everything is perfect, you’ll be waiting a very long time. Learn to dance with your discomfort and know that very few actions are unfixable.

I’d love to chat with you if you’d like some help untangling your own web of confusion and self-judgment. Sometimes all you need is someone to help sort out your thoughts and point out that you’re not nearly as lost as you think. Check out my options for support or sign up for your free career strategy call.

Back to the Article Library

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Consider working with a career coach to plan your strategy.

Do you know what you want to do instead? If not, how do you plan on figuring that out? Do you know how to make the most of your precious free time so that you can make the jump as soon as possible? Where should you start?

How will you decide:

• which of your options to pursue?
• what trainings/career development to invest in?
• how to break into your chosen field?

You might be smart (and you probably are, if you’re like most of my readers), but that doesn’t mean that you automatically know all the ins and outs of a successful career transition. A career coach can make this process a lot easier, because this is what we do.

Could you figure it out on your own?

Probably. Eventually. Like I said, you’re smart. I muddled through my own transition without professional help. I relied on self-help books and assessments and luck to get me where I needed to go. It took forever and I spent a lot of time wallowing in anxiety, self-doubt, and indecision. But I did get there in the end! You probably can too, if you’re extremely self-reliant, motivated, and patient.

How can a career coach make things easier?

I’m so glad you asked. Here are just a few of the ways that working with a career coach will make your transition smoother, faster, and less stressful.

1. A career coach will guide you through the process.

It’s okay that you don’t know what to do next – I’m not an expert in whatever you do for a living, after all. I’m guessing that your situation is stressful enough without also trying to figure out and execute all the elements of a successful transition.

When you work with a career coach, you don’t have to be the expert. All you have to do is show up and be you, and I’ll guide you the rest of the way. I’m not going to tell you that changing your job is easy, but it’s a lot easier when you’re following a time-tested plan instead of trying to reinvent the wheel.

2. A career coach will help you with focus and follow-through.

Why do people have gym buddies? Because there’s more incentive to show up if you know someone else will be there. Why is it easier to learn from a class than from a textbook? Because you get accountability, homework, feedback, and the chance to ask questions.

When you’re feeling discouraged about your career, it’s easy to get lost in the conflicting thoughts and feelings about your situation. Even if you’ve created a plan/strategy/to-do list, it can be difficult to stick with it on your own. A coach can keep you on track and help you plan your next steps. Plus, I’ll help you maintain your sanity and humor along the way.

3. A career coach has seen most of it before.

When you’re in the thick of your career drama, it can feel overwhelming. You may have never had to go through something like this before. Imagine someone telling you, “It’s okay, I’ve helped people in your situation before. It’s normal to freak out right now, but you’re going to get through this.”

You are beautiful and unique, but your circumstances probably aren’t. Stay-at-home-mom returning to the workforce? New grad with no clue what to do next? Burned-out non-profit employee? Only had one job since graduation? I’ve worked with someone like you.

If you’re sick or in pain, you go to a doctor. Your discomfort may seem specific to you, but she’s seen lots of people with your symptoms. In fact, that’s one of the reasons you’re there. She knows what questions to ask to determine the best course of treatment.

If reading a career book is like browsing WebMD, working with a career coach is like consulting a top specialist. Yes, it’s more of an investment, but you also know you’re getting the best available care.

4. A career coach will support you without getting emotionally invested.

Why is this important? Well, in the course of your ponderings, you may have talked to friends or family about your situation. That’s great! It’s good to have a support system in place. However, you may have noticed a few issues cropping up:

• Your spouse/partner gets anxious about your financial future whenever you bring it up.
• You don’t want to spend all your time unloading on your friends, but it’s still on your mind.
• Your family has certain expectations of you that influences their advice.
• People are offering a lot of suggestions and you don’t want to be ungrateful, but it’s really getting on your nerves.
• You feel like you need to look like you have it all together, even if you’re flailing internally.
• Resentment builds up if any of this goes on for too long, affecting your relationships and quality of life.

A nonjudgmental, supportive sounding board can be a real lifesaver in this situation. Your coaching sessions will become a haven where you can be yourself and talk things out without worrying about anybody else’s feelings, thoughts, or reactions.

Because you have this time blocked off for dealing with all your career woes, you can enjoy your time with loved ones more fully. Trust me, your family and friends will appreciate this almost as much as you do!

5. Finally: hiring a coach tells your brain that The Game Is On.

Reading blog posts and self-help books is fine. I’ve spent many happy hours doing just that. But it also can be a sneaky way of feeling like you’re taking action without actually doing anything.

You can daydream about the 47 perfect ways your life could turn out, create a vision board or two, decide what your top five values are. These are all valid activities, but they’re not getting you closer to a more fulfilling career on their own.

Hiring someone is Serious. It sends a signal to your subconscious that This is Not a Drill. It’s a statement that your future is important and worth an investment of real time and money. When you raise the stakes, you’re more likely to do something about it.

Think about it. That’s all I’m asking.

If you’re here to get inspired and think about what you might want to do next, that’s awesome. I’ve got a whole library of articles for you to check out! But if you’re really, truly serious about finding sustainable, satisfying work – it might be time to call in the big guns. Next step? Check out my article on how to tell whether a coach is right for you.

Image credit: freeimages.com/Asif Akbar

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The post Hire a Career Coach if You’re Serious About Leaving Your Job. appeared first on Julia Bushue Career Coaching.

If you’ve spent any time in the self-help world at all, you’ve probably heard about the benefits of keeping a gratitude journal. This practice does nothing for me. I understand why it might be useful for some people, but I don’t love it.

I’ve spent so much time telling myself “You should be grateful for [x]” that the word itself brings up feelings of irritation, resentment, and guilt. If you look up gratitude in a thesaurus, you get synonyms like indebtedness, obligation, and requital. Ugh. No thanks. I’m done with trying to force myself to feel a certain way.

However: humans are wired to give more weight to negative events. It makes sense to somehow emphasize the positive ones and balance out your worldview. And there is a lot of evidence out there that a (ugh) gratitude practice has a meaningful effect on your life.

So how can we do this without it feeling fake, forced, or obligatory?

Four Alternatives to the Gratitude Journal

1. Change the word

If you hate the g-word as much as I do, how do you feel about appreciation? While one of the definitions of appreciation is gratitude, another is recognition of worth. This feels so much more empowering to me. It’s a choice I’ve made to recognize the worth in the world around me. A gratitude journal may make me want to gag, but an appreciation journal feels a little more doable.

2. What went well?

This exercise comes from Martin Seligman, the “father of positive psychology.” According to him, three weeks of doing this had a positive emotional effect on test subjects up to six months later.

At the end of your day, simply note down three things that went well. In his version, you can also add why you think they went well.

The language of “what went well” accomplishes three things: it takes the gratitude label out of the equation, leaving you free to feel appreciation, satisfaction, relief, or a spectrum of other positive emotions.

Secondly, doing this exercise helped me realize that the majority of events in my day happen without a hitch. I got better at putting the occasional glitch in perspective.

Thirdly, it gave me a body of data to look back at and see what I thought was worthy of labeling as “going well.” I frequently mentioned time with friends, time spent creating, and time outdoors. Sometimes I’d list a memorable meal or a workout.

Something like binge-watching Steven Universe, while technically going the way it was supposed to, didn’t make the list. This gave me some great insight as to where I’d like to put more of my time and energy.

3. What do you want to remember?

This was inspired by a Seth Godin article. So many things happen to us throughout the day, most of them forgotten by the next. Unless we do something to tell our brains “This is important,” it tends to get lost in the shuffle.

We already do this automatically with painful, stressful, or embarrassing things because we’d like to be able to avoid those kinds of situations in the future. But what about the sublime, the cozy, the just-right? What happened today that you’d like to remember five years from now?

4. Noticing what you’d like to continue happening.

For one day, make a mental note of everything that happens to you that you would like to keep happening in the future. This can be anything you can perceive with one of your senses. This exercise comes from Solution-Focused Brief Therapy. When I do this, I find it easier to stay in the present and appreciate life’s small pleasures.

Don’t worry about sticking with it indefinitely.

A lot of gratitude journal proponents will tell you that you need to do this every day. I agree – up to a point. Like any routine, it’s meant to support you. When you don’t need it, you can let it go. It will always be a part of your toolbox, after all.

Start with committing to one of these exercises for 1-3 weeks. As Martin Seligman showed, even this brief amount of time can have positive repercussions far into the future.

To document or not to document?

The gratitude journallers will tell you that you need to physically document your list. In the case of the “what went well” and “what do you want to remember” exercises, I think that a written record is helpful for the reasons I mentioned above. The last is more of a mindfulness practice and doesn’t require the same level of documentation, since you’re looking for many small moments throughout the day.

If you have a smartphone, keeping a record is incredibly easy. Set an alarm for the evening and when it goes off, use your favorite note-taking app to list three things that went well or that you want to remember from the day. That’s it – the whole thing might take you five minutes. Of course, you could use a physical notebook or a voice-recording app if that’s more your style.

Let me know how it goes!

I’d love to hear about your experience with these exercises or your own favorite gratitude journal alternatives.

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