Julia Scotti-Inside and OUT

Junior says "Hey!"

2026-09-22T07:59:08.082-04:00

September 22, 2026

There is a very industrious young squirrel who darts all over my yard and I have named him Junior. I don’t know if that is his name or if he is even a male, but I never was one for gender markers anyway. But since I am about to anthropomorphize him I can call him whatever I like.

I keep an eye on him from my office window. When I need to take a break from writing, which happens frequently, I like to watch him go about his business.

He doesn’t bother anyone. Like me, he’s a bit reclusive. And like me, he has devoted himself to surviving. He puts food in his belly, has a tree somewhere to sleep at night and literally lives hand-to-mouth, or in his case, paw-to-mouth.

I’m pretty sure he lives alone. Who knows? Maybe he’s just difficult to get along with. Or perhaps he thinks too much and doesn’t like to be distracted. Personally, I think Junior is female and single, but she started out as male in this story and I guess I’ll just have to live with it.

Yesterday, Junior was outside my office window again, when I noticed him looking at me. I thought I was imagining it until he offered me some of what he was eating.

“Whatcha got there, Junior?”

He jumped up on the window ledge, and I swear to God, he smiled at me. “Some really nice grass with a little bit of leaf mixed in. Very healthy, Jules. Want some?”

“No, thank you. But I appreciate the offer.”

He continued to eat while chatting with me. “No problem. What are you doing?”

I took a sip of coffee from the cup on my desk. “Writing. I’m working on a book. After that, I plan to work on some comedy material. But I’m really avoiding that.”

Junior stood up on his hind legs. “Why’s that?”

I explained that I was feeling like I’d lost my “funny” lately. That material was getting harder and harder to develop.

“Junior, I just feel like with all the bad stuff going on, anything I write just seems so trivial.”

Have you ever seen a squirrel do a spit take? Well, that’s exactly what Junior did. And then he gave me such a look…

“Oh man, Jules. Are you insane? Nothing is trivial that make others feel good. Why back where I grew up…”

“Where was that? Where you grew up?”

Junior smiled in a melancholy way. “In a little maple tree across the street. Best four weeks of my life…so like I was saying…back where I grew up, there was a crow who used to drop acorns on the heads of the baby deer in the neighborhood…”

“Why?”

“Why?...because it was funny as hell! They would look all over the place to see where the acorns came from. And we all laughed our asses off. But that crow taught them and us to be alert, to watch their surroundings and beware of things that might hurt them, like those stupid cars that come barreling down the street.”

“And the moral of this story is what, Junior?”

“People need to laugh. It makes them feel good. It reminds them that life isn’t all gloomy, all the time. So shut up and get back to work.”

“Okay. But will you visit me again? I enjoyed this.”

Junior blinked and stared at me. “Are you insane? I’m a squirrel. Who talks to a squirrel? Gotta jet….”

And just like that he was gone.

Remembering the Original Improv

2022-11-13T09:46:00.004-05:00

It was a late summer, sweltering, early 1980 Sunday morning in Hell’s Kitchen. I had found street parking somewhere near 44^th Street (all things were possible then) and stopped at the Smiler’s Deli on 9th Avenue and picked up a coffee, buttered roll and the Sunday Daily News.

I was 28 years old, pretty late to be a baby comedian, but this was the last best dream I had to be in show business. I couldn’t give it up, you see, it just meant everything. If I was wrong about being a comic, then I was wrong about all my life choices up till that point because they all had been made to realize that dream. Auditioning at the Original Improvisation and passing auditions meant that I had run out of excuses for failure. I was either going to make it in show business or not, but I resolved not to live the rest of my life wondering ‘what if’? Being a regular at the Improv was not a guarantee of success, but it was a huge door to walk through in finding my way to it.

Hot and humid, that’s how I remember it. At 7:30 in the morning, the smells of cooking garbage put out the night before from the restaurants in the area, coupled with various other scents from the people living in the doorways created a uniquely New York state of mind.

There were no other auditioners outside the Improv when I parked myself on the sidewalk. Soon however, they would trickle in, and sit, and sit, and wait throughout the day for someone to give out the numbers for a three minute audition later that night on the famed stage.

By three o’clock, the line of hopefuls had grown to at least 25-30 people. We line ‘veterans’ were already sneering at the latecomers because we had heard that at most, only ten numbers would be given out. Of course, the number ten had been made up by the first ten people on line. We had no idea how many auditions were to be allowed. Already we were learning about the hierarchy of comedy.

At around three-thirty, a Checker cab pulled up and Budd Friedman stepped out of it, monocle and all. He explained to the gathered horde, that whoever got a number had to be back at the club by 7:30 pm or they would lose their spot. He then began to hand out cards randomly to whoever got to him first. I got number 3. Second comedy lesson leaned? Don’t expect to get noticed unless you make yourself noticed.

As mysteriously as he had appeared, Budd re-entered the Checker and off it went. It was to be my one and only encounter with him.The line dispersed and we who had numbers were elated.

I arrived at the Improv at the appointed time and we wide-eyed auditioners were herded toward the far corner of the bar, next to the pay phone (look them up) and away from the veteran comics, who looked at us with disdain. We were, to them, life forms not worthy of their malicious glances, talentless hacks and wannabes who had no business invading their sanctum sanctorum. We were also a future threat to them. Talent coordinators and Casting people were forever coming into the Improv looking for new talent and we posed a threat to some of the older comics who had not yet gotten their big break.

A young man with curly hair came our way and introduced himself as Joe Piscopo, our emcee for the evening. On the cards that Budd had given us earlier, Joe told us to write down something about ourselves so that he could bring us up.

That’s all I remember about the actual audition. I must have done well because I was told that I could begin ‘hanging out’ and by doing so earn my way onto the stage.

Back then, I stood outside the other clubs in NY to get numbers. Freezing cold outside the Comic Strip, driving rain outside Catch a Rising Star over and over again in those early years. But it was the Improv, and my one and only encounter with Budd Friedman which set the course on which I’ve sailed for 42 years.

It turned out pretty well I think. Silver Saunders Friedman, Budd’s ex, took over the club and I spent my formative years there. I saw the world of comedy at the very beginning of the boom and rode that wave and beyond it to a career which I love.

Budd passed away yesterday. But we comics owe him and Silver a huge debt. Without them, none of this comedy business would have existed and the world would never had the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of their labor. Thanks.

Why I hate Halloween- a short story of horror

2022-10-30T16:08:00.000-04:00

I’ll make this short and sweet. I hate Halloween and here’s why. In 1962, I was a 10 year old who had already outgrown the idea that Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Holy Ghost were peacefully coexisting somewhere in the ether, the netherworld or Fairview, NJ, which was where I was.

This particular Halloween, I was bound and determined to practice my holdup skills, by knocking on doors and demanding candy… or else. I would smudge my face with dirt, and when my victims would answer the door, I’d scowl at them, menacingly tossing a raw egg up and down like George Raft’s coin flipping in the original “Scarface” (1932), while holding my pillowcase open with the other.

Continuing my night of mayhem, I’d roam the streets, tripping the smaller kids and take my favorite treats from their cute little Trick or Treat bags-- the Hershey Chocolate Bars (without friggin nuts thank you) and the Three Musketeers bars. Yeah, I was a punk kid destined for the hoosegow, the State Penitentiary, and probably the CHAIR by the time I was 12, and I was proud of it. Halloween was for mooks and dweebs, not tough guys like me.

Okay, the truth is, none of that really happened. And there was a time when I was actually pretty cool with Halloween. But 1961 changed everything.

My mother really didn’t give a rat’s ass what I did for Halloween. There were no store bought costumes because there was no money for them. I clearly remember Halloween 1958. I cried—no sobbed uncontrollably because I didn’t have a costume. My stupid bawling must have tugged at her heartstrings, because she borrowed one of our neighbor’s (Mr. Swanson in Apartment 4) dry cleaning bags, threw it over my head, and I went as a 1 Hour Martinized suit.

So you can imagine my surprise when, on October 30, I returned home exhausted from a hard day of thanking Jesus for saving me from the eternal fires of Hell at St. John the Baptist Catholic School to find on my bed, the COSTUME THAT FOREVER RUINED HALLOWEEN FOR ME.

It was primarily a large plastic head about 3 feet in length. Attached to the head, was some cloth with cutouts for my arms and legs.

“It’s Huckleberry Hound,” best friend Frankie Lamonico said, stifling a laugh. “Holy shit. You’re not going to wear that, are you?”

I shrugged. “Hell no! I hate Huckleberry Hound. If she knew anything about cartoons, she’d have known that Huckleberry Hound is a douche. What are you going to be?”

“My mother’s making me an Ed Norton costume!”

I snickered. That’s not a costume. It’s a tee shirt, a vest and that goomba hat your father’s always wearing.”

“I’d rather wear that than that stupid dog head your mother got. Jesus, Fuckleberry Hound…you’re gonna get crap from everybody. I can’t wait to see it.”

“Fuck you, Frank.”

“I’m going home. We’re having fish sticks and spaghetti with butter for dinner and I don’t want to miss it.”

As I closed the apartment door behind him, I could hear him laughing all the way down the stairs and out onto Walker Street. He was right. This one idiotic moment, if I wore the costume, would cost me all the street cred I had built up in the neighborhood as a rising star in the world of juvenile delinquency. It must not take place.

My mother had different ideas.

“That costume cost me $2 at W.T. Grant. You’re going to wear it or you aren’t going anywhere tomorrow!”

We screamed back and forth for about an hour. I finally relented only after she had broken two wooden spoons on me and then threatened to take away all my other clothes and force me to wear the mask of THE HOUND for a week everywhere, including to school.

Back in my room, that big, dumb dog face stared up at me from the bed. I threw it into my closet and slammed the door, but the seeds were already planted in my head. That night, nightmare after screaming nightmare paraded through my kid brain, all in the guise of some Hanna-Barbera cartoon character.

At one point Huckleberry Hound, Deputy Dawg and that annoying robot from the Jetsons stood at the foot of the bed and dragged me out on to the floor. They were forcing me to wear the costume and had plans to make me go door to door in the neighborhood. Only instead of getting candy, I had to give a card with my name, a picture of me in full Hound costume, and the phrase, “This is what an ungrateful child looks like!” written in big, bold letters. It was a long night of terrors and night sweats, but I finally fell asleep around 1 a.m.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1961—HALLOWEEN MORNING

We lived at 359 Walker Street. Though it looks a little different now, in 1961 the street level apartment housed a candy store owned by Mary and Tony Famigliaro. Located directly across the street from St. John’s Church and School, it was an essential part of the neighborhood, especially for the local kids. Whenever we had a nickel or a dime, we could get a soda or an egg cream. When stickball season rolled around, Mary’s was the source for ten cent ‘pinkies’ or if we chipped in, the high-end 29 cent ‘Spaldeen’ whose high bounce and hard rubber body was guaranteed to add several points to our stickball batting average.

Every morning, my mother sent me down there for the same thing; the NY Daily News, the Mirror and a pack of Camel cigarettes. Tony always reserved the papers for us and kept them on the radiator with ‘Nina’ written across the top. I would scoop them up, go get the cigarettes from Mary, and head back upstairs. This day was no different.

Tony was emerging through the sidewalk cellar doors with a wooden case of Pepsi Cola and placed it gently atop the case of Cokes and Seven-up bottles already on the sidewalk.

“Need help with those, Tony?” I offered, standing on the stoop.

Tony smiled. “I’m good, kid. Thanks. I’ll get the rest tonight before we close.”

“Okay. I’m getting the papers from Mary. See you later!”

Back upstairs, my mother was pouring herself a cup of instant Maxwell House coffee from the saucepan she used each morning. She would fill it up, pour several teaspoons in the pot of water, and it would last the entire day, so that by evening, it bore little resemblance to coffee. She would bring it to a boil and the apartment smelled like the roasting fires we smelled from the Savarin coffee plant down in Edgewater. My mother had singlehandedly, completely destroyed the concept of it being ‘instant’ coffee.

I laid the papers and cigarettes on the Formica kitchen table, and poured myself a bowl of Rice Krispies.

“Don’t go Trick or Treating until I get home from work. I want to see you in that costume I bought. Do you hear me?”

“yes,” I mumbled.

“WHAT?”

“YESSSSSS!” Jesus, how could I NOT hear her?

At school that day, some of my classmates wore their costumes. Judy Mattioli came as actress Yvonne De Carlo, and got pissed off at us because no one knew who Ms. DeCarlo was. Thalia Gonzalez came as the Blessed Mother’s sister, Lupe. Thalia got pissed at us because no one had ever heard of the Virgin Mary having a sister, much less one from Mexico.

Among the boys, there was the usual assortment of lame-o ghosts, goblins and Frankenstein monsters. No one had a Huckleberry Hound head.

True to his word, Frankie showed up as the Italian Ed Norton, lunch box and all.

During lunch we sat on the school steps. “Where’s your costume, big shot?” he said, grinning stupidly, as he unwrapped the greasy waxed paper from the peppers and egg sandwich his mother had packed.

I gave him a ‘noogie’ with extra knuckle. “What time are you coming over? I don’t want to go out until dark out and nobody can see me. Then I’ll take the costume off, stuff it somewhere and we can go trick or treating. Then when I get home, I’ll put it back on, we’ll have candy as proof we went and I can show my face in public tomorrow. Hai capito?

Frankie rubbed his shoulder. “Yeah, I understand. And don’t do that again. I hate noogies.”

“Okay, don’t a weenie. Listen. Be at my house around 6. It’s dark enough by then and all the big kids won’t be hanging out in front of Mary’s. We can make a clean getaway.”

The afternoon dragged on. Outside, in front of Mary’s I could hear Joey Dwyer making fun of some poor kid’s costume just before he took a handful of the kid’s candy for himself. Kids were knocking on our door right and left and by 5 o’clock we were out of candy.

“Give them pennies from the jar,” my mother ordered. “And don’t take any for yourself.” I didn’t have to. All I had to do when I needed money was open her pocketbook and scoop up the loose change that hung out down there.

Frankie showed up right on time. My mother started mooning over his costume the minute he walked in.

“Look at you!” she screamed. “A little ginzo Norton! You’re adorable!” That was the happiest I had seen her in like…EVER. She turned to me. “Jesus, I should made you a Ralph Kramden suit. How funny would that have been?”

“There’s still time,” I mumbled.

“Go put your costume on. I wanna take a picture. I got film for the Kodak today.”

“No.” I said adamantly. “No pictures.”

“Put your goddamn costume on and come out here so I can take a goddamn picture of you two. If you don’t, you aren’t going anywhere.”

Frankie chimed in. “Just do it. C’mon. We’re missing all the good candy!”

“Alright, stop whining. I’m going.”

I shuffled down the hall to my room and donned the dreaded dog suit. The mask went from my head to my chest. It was gigantic, as if Huckleberry had somehow been exposed to radiation that cause his head to grow to twice his size. Frankie and I walked back to the kitchen for the picture.

‘It’s tight,” I muttered.

“That’s because you eat too much.” So Frankie was adorable, and I was a giant tub of lard like Ralph Kramden. I wanted to die.

She handed me a pillowcase. “Go have fun. But be home by 9 o’clock.”

We started down the stairs. Frankie wouldn’t shut up. You’d think he’d never seen candy before.

“Okay Frankie. You’re gonna be my lookout once we get out there. This stupid mask…I can only see directly in front of me, not on the sides.”

“I will be there for you Huckleberry. Ed Norton never lets a friend down, even if that friend is a fat dog.”

We stood in the vestibule for several minutes while I tried to screw up the courage to go outside. Frankie was growing more and more impatient. Finally, I couldn’t take his whining anymore.

“Alright. On the count of three, I’ll say MAKE A RUN FOR IT! We jump out the door, onto the sidewalk and head to 4^th Street before anyone can recognize me. Are you ready?”

Frankie nodded.

“Okay here we go. ONE…TWO…THREE!!! MAKE A RUN FOR IT!!!!!!”

I have to pause here to emphasize the importance of peripheral vision. Had the mask not taken mine, I might have been able to see that the sidewalk cellar doors were open. I might have also seen that Tony was bringing up candy from the basement. I might not have tripped over the door and gone ass over teakettle into the basement. I also might not have survived the fall if Tony hadn’t broken my fall and by doing so caused me to break two of his ribs when we both fell to the floor.

People, and by people I mean primarily the police, firemen and Tony’s screaming spouse Mary along with curious passersby began to crowd around the opening of the sidewalk cellar entrance. What they saw was an obese 10 year old with a giant Huckleberry Hound mask splayed out on top of a 60 year old man screaming in agony in Italian.

Life was never the same after that night. Tony and Mary closed up their little store and opened another one in Gutenberg, a town that was a safe distance away from Fairview. Frankie grew up to be a priest and is still a huge fan of the Honeymooners.

And me? Well…it’s funny how the universe works its magic. Instead of wanting to grow up to be a gangster, I found that the sound of laughter made me feel really good, even if I did almost kill poor Tony.

As the years went on, that story got bigger and more embellished, and the laughs got bigger each time I told it.

And that’s why I hate Halloween folks. I haven’t worn a costume since. I still hate Hanna Barbera cartoons, but I love to make people laugh.

Chappelle: What I think.

2021-10-18T11:16:00.002-04:00

In the past week, I’ve been asked by no less than ten people what I thought of Chappelle’s “special”. Here’s what I think. Do with it what you will. It’s my opinion ONLY.

He has a right to say what he wants. That is freedom of speech.

Netflix has a right to put whatever it wants to on its airwaves, regardless of whether I or anyone else thinks it smacks of ignorance and intolerance.

You have a right to watch whatever you want. If you think he’s a genius, so be it.

As for me, I didn’t much care for his comedy before, so I’d be lying if I used his vehement disgust of trans women (no mention of how he feels about trans men, I guess) as the focal point of my opinion of him.

Based on the clips I’ve seen of his recent program, his definition of a woman is whether or not she can bear children. He leaves out any mention of women who for medical reasons cannot conceive or bear children. Are they not women either? Just asking.

He goes into a protracted discussion of Trans women’s “Pussies” and how they gross him out. I presume that he’s seen many of them and would ask, what is his fascination with Trans women and what is between their legs? Does his definition of womanhood ignore all the beauty, intelligence, talent, and nurturing that makes a woman a woman get ignored or does he just admire them for the beauty of their genitalia and whether or not they are worthy to bear his children?

He needs to know that the violence perpetuated against Trans women is disproportionately aimed at women of color and his alignment with “Team TERF” supports the hatred of a marginalized group of people who want only to live an authentic life in peace and happiness, with the same rights as everyone else. EVERYONE else.

So let Dave be Dave. Let him say what he wants. That’s what America is, after all. There will always be those who buy into what he says. But all I ask is that you watch and listen. If you find what he says disturbing, don’t support him. You have the power to click that remote. It doesn’t require a lot of strength. Cancelling people is not the way. If we keep cancelling ideas and trying to eliminate people like him from the culture, we are committing the worst kind of cancelling--- free thought. I don’t want to live in a world like that. Do YOU?

Down To Earth, Guess who got a Job? August 28, 2021

2021-08-30T11:55:00.001-04:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Holy Cow!!! It’s been months since I’ve seen you. You’re working here now?

JESUS: Just for the record, I’ve always worked. I just was doing the Lord’s work previously. But yes indeedy! I’m a gas junkie now!

ME: …that’s JOCKEY. Not junkie.

JESUS: You say Jockey, I say Junkie. Don’t be an anti-Semantic, kiddo.

ME: So how long have you been working here? And how come I haven’t seen you before?

JESUS: I started last year when the plague hit. Rhonda the Armenian and I both got jobs because the manager figured since we hung out here so much, we might as well make some dough. But we work overnights mostly because, well…we don’t have a place to live and it’s so quiet here at night, we can catch some ZZZZZS in the little house on the gas island. They have a heater.

ME: Wait. They hired RHONDA?

JESUS: She’s on pump #6. See?

RHONDA (to a customer): You said cash, not credit, so I pumped the cash price. And now you want to hose me for the difference, ya freakin dog-faced, chicken legged, spineless twerp? Pay up or you’re going home with two black eyes and four flat tires!

ME: Ahhh…she was born to be in customer service. So are you out of the Savior business now?

JESUS: Of course not. But I’m not getting any younger, so I’ve cut back my hours a bit. Dad wants me to break in my brother Buddy for the job. He’s out in the field now, actually, or I’d introduce you.

ME: You’re telling me that your father has more kids than you? But he’s not married or anything.

JESUS: Duh, of course He does. We don’t call him the FATHER for nothing, you know. There’s Buddy, Max, Antonio, Larry and of course the girls, Patty, Maxine, Laverne…

ME: You’re related to the Andrews Sisters?

JESUS: We ALLLLL related, Chickie babe. Hey my break is almost over. Could you get me some stuff inside?

ME: You have money now, right? Get it yourself.

JESUS: C’mon. For old time sake? I’ll look at it as a corporal work of mercy, okay?

ME: (Sigh) What do you want?

JESUS: Okay, a pack of butts, a cinnamon bun, with lots of icing, a hot dog, just mustard, and a jalapeno stuffed pretzel. And as an added bonus, I’ll throw you a free miracle and you don’t even have to touch the hem of my garment. That’s how much I dig you.

ME: You’re something else, you know that?

JESUS: That’s what they tell me. I’ll be at Pump #2. Love you, Babycakes!

Down to Earth! January 15, 2021. The Inauguration!

2021-01-15T08:06:00.001-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Look at you! All fancied up in your morning coat and top hat. Where are you off to?

JESUS: Rhonda the Armenian, Peter the Accountant and I are headed to Washington D.C. for the inauguration. Joe invited us. Rhonda is singing the national anthem and Peter is backing her up on harmonica.

ME: I thought Lady GaGa was doing that?

JESUS: Well she is. We set up a little step ladder for Rhonda a couple of blocks away. She’s going to sing it to him as he drives by on the way to the Capitol. She’s over there, rehearsing. By the way, do you know the difference between the words ‘Capitol’ and ‘Capital’?

ME: I believe a Capital can be a noun or an adjective. Capital can refer to uppercase letters, accumulated wealth, or the city that serves as the seat of a country’s or state’s government. And a capitol is a building in which the legislative body of government meets.

JESUS: You could have let me explain it. I see that Dad gave you the gift of knowledge, but not humility. Expect a mild smiting in the near future.

ME: Sorry. On a different note, I’m sure you know about all the horrible stuff that went on in the CAPITOL last week. Aren’t you nervous?

JESUS: Well duh? Of course we are. But it’s not like we haven’t been afraid before. My brother James once said, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” We're going because it's the right thing.

ME: Well there it is. Makes sense.

JESUS: Yeah he was the writer in the family. I was the on-air talent.

ME: Well, I haven’t seen you in a while. Happy New Year. Any words of wisdom for us? Things are pretty bad right now.

JESUS: Same as it ever was. Love is better than hate. Listen to other people. Have discussions and not fights.

RHONDA: AND GET YOUR FRIGGIN MASKS ON, YA BUNCH FLACCID PIMENTOS! I’m done rehearsing, boss. The cops showed up again and thought I was being beaten. I said, “No stupid, that’s called SINGING where I come from.”

PETER: We should be hitting the road, boss.

JESUS: Okay. Hey chickpea, let me ask you something. Do you think these sandals clash with the outfit?

ME: YOU cut a dashing figure. Knock em dead!

JESUS: Bless you my child.

RHONDA: Why? She didn’t sneeze. HAHAHAHAH! I LOVE THAT FRIGGIN JOKE. YA GET IT, YA MELON-HEADED, SEERSUCKER?

JESUS: Rhonda, remember your New Year’s resolution? A kinder, gentler, probationary resident of Paradise. Now let’s go. Love you chickpea!

ME: Should I say, God Bless America?

JESUS: It couldn’t hurt. Just say “Please?” at the end, okay?

Down to Earth! "THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS" -- August 27, 2018

2020-11-28T16:21:00.000-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Whoa! What’s with the boxes? There must be dozens of them?

JESUS: Oh these? They’re thoughts and prayers from Florida. Did you bring me anything to eat?

ME: What? Oh yeah. Here’s a Sausage and Egg Sizzli and your coffee. Wow. Those people pray a lot. What are they asking for?

JESUS: They want me to stop all these killings. They’re driving me nutzo.

ME: You know, I didn’t want to bring it up before. But honestly, if you are who you say you are, why don’t you stop them?

JESUS: What? Just wave a finger and stop it? The world doesn’t work like that lady. Besides, I have answered every single one of them. I always do.

ME: What’d you say?

JESUS: Render unto Caesar baby. Ban the semi-automatics and stop making it so easy for crazy people to get guns. THAT’S MY ANSWER! What else do they want me to do?

ME: Maybe they don’t know that it’s you talking to them. You need better Public Relations. Why don’t you go on Fox & Friends?

JESUS: Oh like that’s gonna happen. I’m a poor brown man with no visible means of support. What do I look like, a miracle worker?

ME: Well….???

JESUS: Can you take these boxes to the recycling place? I'm sure there will be new ones coming in soon. There always is.

ME: Sure.

JESUS: Bless you.

ME: Thoughts and prayers to you.

JESUS: Smartass.

Down to Earth! "SIX SEASONS" -- June 27, 2019

2020-11-28T16:19:00.003-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Good morning! Hot enough for you?

JESUS: Really? What a hacky thing to say. It’s not so bad. I’ve been to hotter places, if you know what I mean.

ME: You know, I’ve often wondered why there are only four seasons. How did your father happen to pick that number?

JESUS: Good question. What a lot of people don’t know is that there were originally 6 seasons. But they weren’t really popular, so Dad got rid of them.

ME: Really? What were they?

JESUS: Well, there was Sonofa, that one season where it rained fireballs for 40 days and nights. You can understand why that didn’t catch on.

ME: Yeah.

JESUS: And then there was Indecisio, the one where it would be 95 degrees one day and 20 degrees the next. Dad thought that folks would like the variety, but it just pissed everybody off because they didn’t know how to dress. So he settled on 4.

ME: Makes sense. Hey, I hate to bother you, but this situation at the border is getting tragic. Can’t you fix it? I mean wave your hand for a miracle or something?

JESUS: I already told you how to fix it and no one listened.

ME: Refresh my memory.

JESUS: Love each other. Duh…

ME: Oh. Right. Can I get you something from inside?

JESUS: Glad you asked. How about a nice Iced Coffee and one of those Choco-Taco ice cream bars?

ME: You got it buddy.

JESUS: Bless you.

ME: That means a lot.

JESUS: Now go get my ice cream, please? It’s hot as hell out here.

Down to Earth! "THE MUELLER REPORT" -- March 23, 2019

2020-11-28T16:17:00.002-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Hey, Whatcha reading?

JESUS: It’s the Muelller Report.

ME: What?!!!! No way!

JESUS: Shhhh….I got an advance copy from Bobby.

ME: Bobby?

JESUS: Duh…Bobby Mueller.

ME: Anything juicy in it?

JESUS: It’s very thorough. He gives a full explanation of the Sopranos finale. And did you know that Ed Sullivan was the person on the grassy knoll?

ME: But what about the Russians? Is Trump compromised? I’m thinking that may not be the Mueller Report you’re reading.

JESUS: Want to know where Jimmy Hoffa is?

ME: Sigh. You want anything from the store?

JESUS: Yes! One of those jalapeno stuffed pretzels, a delicious Yoo-Hoo chocolate drink and a bottle of Clorox bleach.

ME: Clorox?

JESUS: I told Bobby I’d destroy this after I read it.

ME: Ahh. Okay.

JESUS: It says here that Roseanne is planning another comeback…

ME: I’ll be right back.

JESUS: I ain’t going anywhere chickie.

Down to Earth! "RHONDA GIVES SOME ADVICE" -- February 16, 2020

2020-11-28T16:14:00.001-05:00

So I bumped into Rhonda the Armenian at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Rhonda! Hey how are you? Where’s the big guy?

RHONDA: What’s with the questions? What are you, a private dick? Some kind of undercover gumshoe? Huh? Huh? Listen Spunky, not that it’s any of your beeswax, but he’s on a mission and can’t be reached.

ME: Mission? Oh wow. Let me guess…he’s in China curing the corona virus, right?

RHONDA: Are you kidding me? That stuff’ll give you a dirt nap. Naw, he’s picking up a pizza for lunch. You wanna leave a message?

ME: Yes. I have a question for him. Do you have a pen and some paper?

RHONDA: What do I look like, a Staples store? Here. And make sure you don’t scram-ay-voo with my pen, or I’ll hunt you down and give you a pox like you wouldn’t believe.

ME: Thanks. Here ya go. Maybe I’ll stop back later and…

RHONDA: (staring at the note)

“Dear J. Lately I’ve been getting more and more born again Christians telling me that I’m a horrible sinner and that I’m going to hell for being transgender. I’d really like a ruling on this so I might refute their claim? Can you help? Signed, Confused as Hell.”

RHONDA: (cont’d) Are you kidding me? This is what you want to bother the boss for? I am not going to bump this up to him no way no how. Plant your keister on the curb and Rhonda will straighten you out.

First of all, Hell was closed down about ten thousand years ago. Too many complaints. It’s an amusement park now. Second of all, you tell those big mouth bags of hot air that not only are you loved, but if anyone should feel bad about who they are it’s them.

ME: How so?

RHONDA: Remind them that it was two heterosexuals what got bumped outta the Garden of Eden for doing the dance of the in and out. And we’ve been paying for it ever since. Yeah, thanks straight people!

ME: Ooooh that’s good. You’re pretty smart.

RHONDA: Yeah, that and a $1.36 will get me a 16 oz. coffee. Hey seein’ as how I helped you and all, hows about buyin’ a girl a 16 oz. coffee?

ME: Sure. And I’m going to give you a good review to the boss.

RHONDA: This ain’t my first rodeo, Toots!

Down to Earth! "SEND HIM BACK!" --July 20, 2019

2020-11-28T16:10:00.006-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Oh you’re just the one I wanted to see.

JESUS: Ta da! And here I am as if by magic. What’s on your mind, toots?

ME: Why aren’t you doing something about all this hate going around? It’s tearing us apart.

JESUS: What would you like me to do? Smite a few people? I could start a plague. Nothing horrible. I haven’t done locusts for a while. How about that?

ME: Naw. Isn’t that just more hate and anger?

JESUS: It sure is, tootsie-bell. Nobody listens to me anymore anyway. They all think they know what I’m thinking but they don’t. If I came out to the public, they’d just want to send me back to where I came from. Mobs don’t take kindly to me, remember?

ME: So what do we do?

JESUS: Well now that’s a good question. When all else fails, just love each other.

ME: But they hate people who are different. My love is meaningless.

JESUS: Was mine?

ME: Point taken. Okay, I’ll try.

JESUS: Good. Just remember, when you take your final breath, everybody gets sent ‘back’. Now can you get me a bottle of Yoo-Hoo and a hoagie? I’m starving.”

ME: Sure.

JESUS: Oh and one other thing…

ME: Yes?

JESUS: Love ya.

ME: Back atcha.

Down to Earth! "THANKSGIVING 2020"

2020-11-28T16:07:00.004-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

JESUS: Chickpea!!!! Buongiorno de Ringraziamento!!!

ME: And a Happy Thanksgiving to you too! Say…Rhonda the Armenian isn’t here, is she?

JESUS: Noooo…she’s on a time out. She cold-cocked Eleanor Roosevelt last night at the company holiday party. Broke one of Eleanor’s wings, the poor thing.

ME: Why do you let her still be an angel? It’s obvious she’s crazy.

JESUS: Because I have faith in her. Do you know how she wound up with me in the first place?

ME: No.

JESUS: In 1935, she ran out in the middle of a busy road to rescue a toddler who had wandered away from her mother. She got the baby to safety just before an oncoming car came speeding at them both. Rhonda didn’t make it and now she’s with me. So, yes, she’s a little rough around the edges, but I have faith in someone who would do that.

ME: Oh wow. Who would have guessed?

JESUS: It’s like I always said, judge not lest ye be judged.

ME: You said ‘ye’?

JESUS: What did I just say? Don’t judge me either!

ME: Listen, I got you a coffee, some Hostess Sno-Balls and something really special. But it isn’t from WaWa.

JESUS: What? What? C’mon, I’m dyin of curiosity!!!!

ME: Okay, okay!!! Let me just get it out of my car and…

JESUS: Oh my God! I smell it! Is it...please say it is a…???

ME: A pastrami sandwich from Harold’s NY Deli in Edison!!!

JESUS: HOLY SHIT!... sorry… I mean HOLY MOLY! I can’t believe you did this!

ME: And…there’s a big tub of the coleslaw that you like, an order of latkes with applesauce…Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

JESUS: Oh wow. I can’t believe this! Thank you! I’ll never be able to eat it all.

ME: Well, you can have meals for a couple of days then.

JESUS: No. I think I’ll make a little plate for myself for later. And I’m going down to the railroad tracks to feed the gang down there. They will love this stuff!

ME: Wait. You’re going to give it all away? Do you know how much this set me back?

JESUS: Yes, I’m sure it cost a small fortune. Do you want it back?

ME: No, but…

JESUS: But you feel like I should be more grateful? Well I truly am. But it was a gift, wasn’t it?

ME: Yes. But…

JESUS: But I want to share the joy of my gift with others that need a little joy in their lives. These people have never tasted anything so delicious as this. Do you understand?

ME: I guess so. You know? You really try my patience sometimes.

JESUS: Judge not lest ye be judged. Now go home to your nice warm house and enjoy it. Ti amo and Buongiorno de Ringraziamento.

ME: Love you too. And please wish Rhonda a Happy Thanksgiving?

JESUS: Will do. Ciao.

ME: Ciao.

Down To Earth! "THANGIVING 2019"

2020-11-28T16:05:00.005-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

JESUS: Thanks! Merci Beaucoup, Hey, thank you! Muchas Gracias, Thanks a lot! Grazie Mille, Thank you very much, Arigatou…

ME: What are you doing, you crazy person?

JESUS: It’s Thanksgiving. I’m giving out free thanks. That last one was in Japanese. Pretty cool, huh? That Rosetta Stone is great!

ME: That’s not the way it works.

JESUS: No? Enlighten me then, sistah. I am just a mere Savior. I sit at your feet and thirst for your knowledge.

ME: Don’t be a smartass. I just meant that Thanksgiving is a day when we all get together with our family, eat a lot of food, get drunk and watch a lot of sports.

JESUS: So when does the ‘giving thanks’ part happen?

ME: Oh, most people go around the table and tell one thing that they are thankful for. It’s kind of annoying, but people do it because they kind of feel obligated. I mean, they’re thankful, but don’t overdo it. Then, around midnight, they go and camp out at the mall for Black Friday. Then they are REALLY thankful because they get big savings on their Christmas shopping. By the way, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Do you have somewhere to go?

JESUS: I am going down to railroad tracks where the homeless people live. There’s a family there that is in a pretty bad way. I’m going to bring them dinner. Wanna come?

ME: Oh gee, I’d love to, but you know the family is coming and I have to cook and it’s going to be crazy. But you are welcome to stop by when you are done.

JESUS: Thanks. But tomorrow is a busy day for me… always is. But you have a good time. Hey, by the way I got you this card.

ME: Aww…thank you so much! You shouldn’t have.

JESUS: Well you’re always getting me stuff. It’s the least I can do. Go ahead open it.

ME: Okay let’s see here…oh it’s beautiful…and inside it says…. 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' Sigh…why do you do these things to me?

JESUS: Because I love you.

ME: Okay, okay. What time do you want me at the tracks?

JESUS: About 10 in the morning? And could you pick up a cooked turkey while you’re at it? And some blankets? And mashed potatoes? And maybe a couple of pies with some nice ice cream for dessert? Oh and Bob, he’s the father, really likes Brussel sprouts though I have no idea why. Dad always says that he doesn’t know what he was thinking when he made Brussel sprouts… says it every year.

ME: You are really pushing it, aren’t you?

JESUS: Maybe. But I only have one thing to say.

ME: Oh? What’s that?

JESUS: Buongiorno de Ringraziamento. Happy Thanksgiving in Italian! Now could you pick up a coffee and one of those hot turkey sandwiches? Oh…and a package of Hostess Twinkies. I love those… and I love you.

ME: And a Buongiorno de Ringraziamento to you. Sure. I’ll be right back.

JESUS: Namaste sistah!

Down to Earth! "HOLIDAY DINNER" -- November 15, 2019

2020-11-28T16:03:00.003-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus this morning at the WaWa…

ME: Mornin’ Big Guy. I got you a Sausage and Egg Sizzli and a coffee. Thought you might be hungry.

JESUS: Oh wow, thanks! I’ve been so busy this morning I forgot to eat! I was going to do some loaves and fishes later, but this is great, thanks!

ME: Not a problem. Whatcha doin? You’re writing up a storm there.

JESUS: I’m really excited. I’m putting together my guest list for my annual holiday bash. You know my birthday is coming up and so I do this big deal every year to cover all the holidays; Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Ramadan, all of them. You’re invited of course.

ME: Thanks. Where is it?

JESUS: At my place in the Hamptons.

ME: Wait…you have a place in the Hamptons? On Long Island?

JESUS: Yessiree Bob. And I have plenty of room. You can stay over.

ME: Ooookay. So who else is on the guest list?

JESUS: Well, there’s Mom and Dad of course.

ME: Of course.

JESUS: My brother James, his wife and their rotten kids. Every year they break something after I tell them not to touch it…. Passive aggressive little buggers.

ME: I see.

JESUS: Oh, I almost forgot. I’m hoping for a reunion of the original 13 apostles. I hope Peter brings his guitar. He’s pretty good actually… sounds a lot like Glenn Frey from the Eagles.

ME: Wait. Did you say…13 apostles? I thought there were only 12?

JESUS: Yeah, everyone thinks that. We started with 13, but we impeached one just before we hit it big. Turned out he was taking kickbacks. His name is Lou.

ME: Lou? You actually had an apostle named Lou?

JESUS: Short for Lucifer. He’s a big deal now. Owns a plumbing supply store in Tenafly, New Jersey.

ME: Wait. You’re actually invited the Prince of Darkness to your party? Isn’t that going to be uncomfortable?

JESUS: Look. It’s been two thousand years. Time to let bygones be bygones. Besides, I’m hoping to get a good price on a Jacuzzi for the back yard. Besides, I’m the Prince of Peace. That trumps the Prince of Darkness every time.

ME: You’re a better person than I am.

JESUS: Many people say that I’m a better person than everyone. So are you coming?

ME: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Down to Earth! "SPECIAL CORONA EDITION" -- March 29, 2020

2020-11-28T16:01:00.000-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the FAR END of the WaWa parking lot today…

ME: So judging by the Hazmat suit and the ring of orange cones surrounding you, this is your version of social isolation?

JESUS: Can’t be too careful, chickie poo. Did you bring me anything?

ME: Coffee, a couple of hot dogs, some Hostess Sno-balls, the pink ones, and 4 Slim Jims.

JESUS: Thanks, kiddo. Just put them inside the perimeter ring and I’ll come get them.

ME: You’re taking this pretty seriously, huh? Being who you are and all, aren’t you immune to all this stuff

JESUS: Who do you think I am, Superman? Naw. I shut the whole operation down. Sent my staff home. Everybody was pretty cool about it except for Thomas. He doesn’t believe anything I say.

ME: Then why are you out here?

JESUS: Pfft! Are you kidding me? What kind of savior only hangs around when things are good? I gotta be here rain or shine, virus or pox. And man, I hate poxes. Although this isn’t as bad as the great leprosy outbreak back in 32.

ME: 1932?

JESUS: No…just 32. Duh! I know, I look good for my age. Oh it was awful. A leper would come into town for milk or bread, and everybody just picked up a rock and started chucking them at the leper’s head.

ME: Well leprosy is contagious, you know.

JESUS: I know that! What do I look like, an idiot? I’m just saying, panic is not a good thing. A rock to the head can do some damage. Pontius Pilate should have jumped on the Meals on Ox Carts Program a lot sooner. But of course he didn’t believe leprosy was contagious. He said the warm weather would clear the whole thing up. What a doofus, am I right?

ME: You got that right. Hey, do you need anything else before I go?

JESUS: Naw. I’m good. Listen, you take care of yourself, and stay in touch with your friends. Now would also be a good time to clean up your house. Are you still hoarding stuff?

ME: I can’t help it. I’m so afraid of being without things.

JESUS: Look. I know it’s been a rough life. But have I ever let you go without?

ME: no.

JESUS: OF COURSE I HAVEN’T, DOPEY! I’ll never let you down. Now go home and call your family and friends and tell them you love them.

ME: You’re right.

JESUS: Of course I’m right. How could I NOT be right?

ME: Love you

JESUS: I know. Love you too.

Down to Earth! "CORONA VIRUS" -- March 11, 2020

2020-11-28T15:58:00.005-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: So I see you got your masks on. Good idea.

RHONDA THE ARMENIAN: Yeah you people all got the creepin’ crud and I don’t want any part of it. So back off, or you can eat 10 lbs. o’ knuckles in a 5 lb. bag!!

ME: What does that even mean?

RHONDA: Get over here and I’ll show you what it means, Snowhead!!!! I’ll mop the floor with ya….”

JESUS: Rhonda! Be nice.

RHONDA: Eh, she bugs me big time.

JESUS: Don’t mind her. Yeah we got our masks. We’re in the high risk category, being seniors and all. I’m in pretty good shape for 2,020 years old, but why take chances, capisce? There’s a dance at the Elks on Saturday and I really want to go. The last thing I need is to get sick.

RHONDA: Dancin’. That’s all you think about. Mr. Party like it’s 33 A.D Man. Meanwhile the whole world stinks like a fish what’s been left in the sun too long.

ME: Oy. She’s a pip. Can’t you fix her personality?

JESUS: Some miracles are above my pay grade. What’s on your mind, Lambie?

ME: This corona virus thing. Some people are saying that this is a new plague sent to us from certain members of your family. That’s not true, is it?

JESUS: You’re kidding me, right? Do you honestly think Dad does stuff like that?

ME: Well the book says…

JESUS: The book, the book the book! I’m sick of the book. You might as well believe in the Farmer’s Almanac. Listen, you don’t want the plague? Don’t let rats tap dance on your cheese plate. Clean up! You don’t want locusts? Too bad. They come around every 17 years, whether you like it or not. If Dad wanted to mess with you that way he’d of had them come every year on the 4^th of July weekend, just to screw up your barbecue.

ME: What about boils?

JESUS: Boils? Ick. Boils, schmoils. What kind of family do you think I belong to? Take a bath! Don’t eat dairy! What do we know from boils?

RHONDA: Yer right boss. I think ole ice cream top needs a good smiting. You want I should take care of her?

JESUS: Rhonda go get us some coffee. Can you spare a couple of bucks?

ME: Sure.

JESUS: Look. I don’t know how many times I need to tell you this, but my Father doesn’t know how to do mean stuff. He’s cool. He’s loving. He’d give you the robe off his back. This virus just happened spontaneously, although personally I think the Russians had something to do with it. Anyway, it’s here, and we’ll deal with it. And you can bet your hiney that if you croak from it, one of Dad’s people will be right there to escort you home. He’s good that way.

RHONDA: Here ya go boss. And silver fox, I need another five bucks for lottery tickets. So cough it up.

ME: I will not!

JESUS: Rhonda, go drink your coffee. I’m sorry about her.

ME: So am I.

RHONDA: Why I oughta….!

JESUS: Run!

ME: Love you!

JESUS: Back atcha!

Down to Earth! "KAVANAUGH THOUGHTS" -- October 8, 2018

2020-11-28T15:55:00.005-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Here ya go. One large coffee, one pack of Marlboro Lights and sticky bun….hey what’s wrong? You seemed bummed.

JESUS: Eh, it’s this whole Supreme Court thing. It’s got me down. I don’t know what or who to believe anymore. I even asked King Solomon’s advice about it.

ME: Oooh…good choice. What’d he say?

JESUS: Totally useless. His answer for everything is to cut the baby in half. He worries me sometimes with all that baby cutting. What do you think?

ME: Most of me believes her. Some of me believes him. And none of me is sure of what the truth is.

JESUS: I hear ya, sis. Judging people is hard. I wish they had more facts. I guess we’ll never know for sure. Perhaps Solomon was right.

ME: Ya think?

JESUS: Well not about the babies. But if you go get a knife, I’d be happy to cut this sticky bun in half and share it with you.

ME: Thanks. Sticky buns are a good way to get over depression.

JESUS: So is knowing the truth.

ME: You had to throw that in, didn’t you?

JESUS: It’s what I do.

Down to Earth! "JESUS TRIES OUT NEW MATERIAL" -- July 25, 2019

2020-11-28T15:53:00.001-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

JESUS (shouting to passersby): Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

PASSERBY: Shut up and get out of my way.

JESUS: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

PASSERBY: Get a job dude.

JESUS: Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

PASSERBY: I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t leave me alone!

ME: What’s going on?

JESUS: Just trying out new material.

ME: How’s it going?

JESUS: Tough crowd.

ME: You need to be flashier, I think.

JESUS: I’ve got a dove that drops fire over people’s heads and give them super powers. How about that?

ME: I don’t know. It’s always risky when you bring fire into the act. Someone could get hurt and sue you. Any lepers around? You could heal them.

JESUS: I did the last one a month ago, remember?

ME: Oh yeah. Well, we’ll come up with something.

JESUS: Are you representing me now?

ME: I’m not an agent or a personal manager.

JESUS: I could make you one just like that (snaps fingers)

ME: I’d rather just be your friend. You know, get you coffee and smokes and stuff. Okay?

JESUS: Sure. Could you get me a coffee and a package of Hostess Sno-balls? The pink ones?

ME: You got it.

JESUS: Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.

ME: Don’t overdo it. They’re just cupcakes with marshmallow and coconut.

JESUS: I know. But I really really really want them. It’s the little things, you know?

ME: You are such a knucklehead sometimes, you know it?

JESUS: Love you too my sistah.

Down to Earth! "SURPRISE PARTY!" -- Christmas, 2019

2020-11-28T15:50:00.001-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Why are you making those crazy faces? St. Vitus dance acting up again?

JESUS: Naw. I just found out that Peter and the guys are planning a surprise birthday party for me and I’m trying to look surprised. How am I doing?

ME: Oh wow, cool! When’s your birthday?

JESUS: Duhhhh…

ME: Oh yeah, right.

JESUS: Peter really knows how to throw a bash. Not like Andrew who put together my last supper, and that was a big bust as you know. Of course Peter denied knowing anything about the whole thing. I asked him three times and he just played dumb.

JESUS: Hey, did you know that my real birthday is in the spring and not December?

ME: Really?

JESUS: Yup. We tried going with a March Christmas for about 100 years and then Caesar got stabbed on the 15^th and that’s all anyone could talk about. It screwed up everything, and my birthday never caught on. Besides, it also conflicted with King Nebuchadnezzar’s birthday. And once I hit the big time, his birthday celebration and mine being in the same month pissed off all the merchants because they didn’t want to have two giant sales in one month.

ME: And March Christmas would have really messed up the Black Friday sales.

JESUS: Here’s a fun fact about that. Did you know that out that originally Good Friday was the Friday after Thanksgiving and Black Friday was the Friday before Easter?

ME: No way!

JESUS: Yup. It was Pope Evaristus, aka Pope ‘Buddy’ who flipped them due to his dyslexia.

ME: Well that makes sense.

JESUS: You bet your booty it does. There wasn’t anything good about that Friday! So are you coming to the party? I’m turning two thousand and twenty. That only happens once you know.

ME: I don’t know…

JESUS: Awww, come on. It’ll be fun. We play some cool games. I hope Pete remember to do the Secret Savior this year. I love that!

ME: You mean Secret Santa, right?

JESUS: Duhhh, again. C’mon sis, get with the program.

ME: Sorry. I will try to make it though. Where is he having it?

JESUS: Word on the street is that he’s booked the Holiday Inn on Route 37.

ME: Got it. In the meantime, do you want anything from the store?

JESUS: I would die for one of those Tasty Kake Kandy Kakes and a coffee.

ME: You got it buddy.

JESUS: No, Buddy was the Pope. I’m the Savior. See what I did there?

ME: Duhhhh.

JESUS: Duh yourself. Felice Navidad kiddo!

Down to Earth! "JESUS QUITS!" -- July 26 2018

2020-11-28T15:47:00.001-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning. He was sitting on the curb with a yellow legal pad and writing furiously.

ME: Hey, I got you a coffee and one of those stuffed jalapeno pepper pretzels you like so much. Whatcha writing?

JESUS: My resignation letter. Thanks for the grub.

ME: Your what?

JESUS: My resignation letter. I quit. Two weeks’ notice, then Adios. Finito, bye Felicia.

ME: But why?

JESUS: Too many posers around. All these evangelicals with their $3,000 suits, Lear Jets, and mega-churches. Look at me. Who’s going to listen to a guy who depends on others for jalapeno pretzels and cigarettes?

ME: Does your Dad know?

JESEUS: Told him last night. He doesn’t blame me. He’s getting a little fed up too. I think we’re going to invest in a cannabis farm in Colorado.

ME: I hope you reconsider. A lot of people are going to miss having you around. We kind of need you right now. Are you planning a big goodbye like the last time?

JESUS: You mean the Ascension into Heaven bit? Naw. Too flashy. My friend Lenny is an Uber driver. He’s going to pick me up and we’re driving to Colorado together. Want to come?

ME: You mean come with you, like the Rapture?

JESUS: No. I mean come with me, like you pay for half the gas. You in?

ME: Can you just think about this for a couple of weeks? I think you’re making a mistake.

JESUS: Will you buy me a chocolate donut?

ME: Of course.

JESUS: Okay. But only for two weeks. You people better get your ass in gear or I’m outta here!

Down to Earth! "JESUS ON THE BIG SCREEN (Corona Edition) -- May 24, 2020

2020-11-28T15:42:00.003-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: WOW! LOOK AT YOU!

JESUS: Look at me! I’m Zoomin here!

ME: I see! Wow. You’re out in the parking lot on a giant screen TV. It’s like a giant drive-in movie. You’re at least 9 feet tall!

JESUS: You should see me in real life!

ME: I have. You aren’t 9 feet tall. So where are you broadcasting from?

JESUS: Can’t tell you. Then I’d have to kill you. Then I’d have to raise you from the dead. Hahahaha…see what I did?

ME: You’re a laugh riot. So how are you killing time during this quarantine?

JESUS: Dad, Gabriel, Peter and I went fishing last week. We socially distanced, but Peter wouldn’t wear a mask. He’s such a stubborn ass sometimes. And I’m working on an 18 million piece jigsaw puzzle. It’s a picture of the history of the earth. I’m up to my time, but I cannot for the life of me find this missing piece. It’s crucial.

ME: What is it?

JESUS: Ironically, John the Baptist’s head.

ME: You doing any work?

JESUS: Of course I am, chickpea. There’s a lot of sick people out there. Also a lot of people out there risking their lives to help you all. I’m watching over them all the time. Loving them like I do. And if they need me to take them home, I’m there baby!

ME: That makes me happy.

JESUS: Sure it does. Hey! There’s someone here who wants to say hello!

ME: Who?

RHONDA THE ARMENIAN: Me, ya big dumb silver-headed mask face!

ME: Oh. Hi Rhonda. I see the quarantine hasn’t affected your sparkling personality.

RHONDA: What? I gotta be nice to you all of a sudden? Listen up, nipple clamp, I don’t need to be nice to nobody as long as I do my job. I’m outta here. Here’s the boss.

JESUS: She’s something else, isn’t she?

ME: Oh yes….something…else. Listen. Strange as it might seem, I actually miss you. Can’t wait for this to be over.

JESUS: I miss you too. I miss all my children. Listen stay in touch, okay. And as long as you’re at the WaWa, pick up a nice Sizzli with Bacon, a sticky bun and a coffee. Do this in memory of me.

ME: Kind of like the Last Breakfast. Hahaha…see what I did there?

JESUS: Don’t do schtick okay?

ME: Okay. Love you.

JESUS: Back atcha.

RHONDA: IS THAT CLOWN WITH TINKER TOYS FOR BRAINS GONE YET?

JESUS: SHE’S LEAVING NOW!!!! Oy what a nudge. See ya.

ME: Better you than me. Later.

Down to Earth! "JESUS GOES ICE FISHING" -- August 15, 2019

2020-11-28T15:40:00.003-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Hey where you been? I haven’t seen you in like three weeks at least!

JESUS: I was in Mississippi on vacation. I went down there to do some deep sea fishing in the Gulf with my pal Luis. He works in the poultry plant that got raided by ICE. I was there to meet him for lunch. They took one look at me and scooped me up too. I’ve been in a detention center for the last 2 weeks.

ME: They didn’t believe you were Irish and that your last name was O’Malley?

JESUS: Funny, Dudette. I should have asked Dad to make you a comedian.

ME: So did you catch anything while you were there? Tuna? Marlin? Head Lice? Oh come on, don’t look at me like that. It was a joke.

JESUS: Not funny, Dudette. That place was a shithole. I wouldn’t put Satan in there and trust me, there’s plenty of places I’d have liked to send him.

ME: Wait…Satan is real?

JESUS: What’s the matter with your brain? Of course he’s real! He’s semi-retired and living in Boca! He only works a few days a year now, like Christmas, Easter and most of the parades on St. Patrick’s Day.

ME: Who runs the business the rest of the year?

JESUS: The son of a bitch is franchising! He’s got people all over the world now preaching hate, killing babies and just painting the world black. He’s really getting on my nerves. I told Dad we really need to stop him.

ME: What did he say?

JESUS: Oh he keeps throwing the “free will” thing at me. I swear, things would be different if I were in charge.

ME: Well I’m just glad you’re okay. Do me a favor. Stay out of the South.

JESUS: Soon it’s not going to matter, trust me. They’re coming for anybody that doesn’t look or act like them.

ME: Can’t you do something?

JESUS: I’m working on it. Hey, would you mind getting me a liverwurst and onion sandwich on a roll, some coffee and maybe a nice sticky bun?

ME: Sure, but I don’t think WaWa has liverwurst.

JESUS: Go forth and ask for liverwurst. Seek liverwurst and you will find it.

ME: You crack me up sometimes, you know that? I love you man.

JESUS: Love you too. Now come on. I’m hungry!

Down to Earth! "CHRISTMAS EVE" -- December 24, 2019

2020-11-28T15:36:00.004-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa tonight…

ME: Hey man, Happy Birthday! What’s with the crowd?

JESUS: Oh wow, I’m glad you’re here! I’m showing home movies from the night I was born! We’re just about to roll tape.

ME: Home movies? They had video equipment 2000 years ago?

JESUS: Go-Pro babe. We were very progressive. Shhhhh…we’re starting…

ME: This is crazy…whoa…who are those people?

JESUS: That’s Mama and Step Daddy. They’re trying to check into the inn and the clerk is telling them they don’t have a room. That’s Step Daddy yelling at the clerk, telling him that Mama’s in labor, and that’s Mama yelling at Step Daddy in between contractions for not making reservations.

ME: I don’t believe this.

JESUS: Oh ye of little faith. Ya gotta believe, woman! Oh here’s a good part. Mama and Step Daddy and me are trying to find a place in the stable. Mama is screaming in pain. Did you know that she was in labor for 22 hours with me? I was a big baby.

ME: You know, all those animals, ox, the lamb, the cow…that couldn’t be sanitary. And that constant drumming from that kid.

JESUS: Oh man, Mom HATED that kid. Step Daddy had to threaten him with a shovel to the head if he didn’t stop playing. The kid got really pissed and just started saying “par rumpa bump bump” for like 6 hours after that.

Okay, the next part is kind of messy. It’s where I actually get born. Do you want me to fast forward?

ME: Yes please do. The WaWa folks are trying to sell food here and don’t need to see that.

JESUS: Got it. So here I am, all wrapped in swaddling clothes and Mama is all sweaty and happy and Step Daddy is throwing up in the corner. He’d never seen a baby born before and it kind of caught him by surprise.

ME: What’s next? Who are those three guys?

JESUS: Oh wow…I forgot about them. These guys just showed up out of nowhere. Mama was yelling at Step Daddy because she thought they were his friends from the bowling league. But they weren’t. They were three wise guys from the Caputo family on the East Side. But they brought some cool stuff. Frankincense, Myrrh, and Step Daddy’s favorite…gold! Step Daddy wanted to buy a boat with the gold, but Mama said that if he did, she’d circumcise him all over again! Anyway, they were on their way to Rome and just stopped in. That was nice of them, no?

ME: Very.

JESUS: So that’s pretty much it. I hope you hang around. Rhonda the Armenian brought cake. Please stay and have a piece?

ME: I’d love some. You want coffee with that cake?

JESUS: You know I do, chickie. Hurry back. We’ll have a piece of cake and maybe we can also have peace on earth. Love you.

ME: Love you too. Happy Birthday my friend.

Down to Earth! "JESUS AT THE OPEN MIC" -- September 5, 2019

2020-11-28T15:31:00.005-05:00

Jesus at the open mic. September 5, 2019

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

Me: Hey, what’s with the flyers?

Jesus: I’m starting an open mic and I’m trying to get people to come.

Me: Wow. I didn’t know you did standup!

Jesus: Stand up, sit down, float around…I do it all! The only thing is, it’s a bringer show.

Me: I hate those. How many are you bringing?

Jesus: So far? Twelve. You feel like coming? I can give you ten minutes.

Me: Any restrictions on content?

Jesus: Well, nothing on race, sexual identity, religion, mental illness, and certainly no politics. You know how people are.

Me: Well that narrows down the topics quite a bit. Funny, I never thought of you as the censoring kind.

Jesus: Personally I don’t have a problem with it. It’s the club owner. He’s already blocked my Sermon on the Mount. I don’t want to piss him off again and lose the room.

Me: Sigh…I guess some things are even bigger than you my friend.

Jesus: Tell me about it. Hey… can you get me a Yoo Hoo and a hot dog while you’re in there?

Me: Of course.

Jesus: Bless you my child.

Me: Back Atcha.

Down to Earth! "JESUS AT THE 7-11" -- September 12, 2020

2020-11-28T15:29:00.000-05:00

So I bumped into Jesus at the 7-11 this morning!

ME: What the….? What are you doing here?

JESUS: I‘m doing the Lord’s work.

ME: But you ARE the Lord!

JESUS: Duh….so I’m working. I have a route.

ME: Like one of those bread trucks?

JESUS: Kind of. I’m doing loaves and fishes this week at some of the homeless camps. You know all these poor folks lost their homes because they can’t work. Pandemic, you know.

ME: Listen. A lot of people I know have been asking where you’ve been. It’s getting really ugly around here lately. People killing each other because of their color, people ignoring doctors’ warnings and spreading this disease everywhere, and politicians who see evil and do nothing to stop it. We’re really starting to freak out. So if you have any ideas about how we can get out of this, I wish you’d go on TV or something and let people know.

JESUS: Oy vey. Chickpea, we’ve been over this a gazillion times. You know the answers to all of your questions. First of all, and most important…DON’T BE A DOUCHE TO ONE ANOTHER!!!! You don’t have to like everybody, although that would be nice. But only a major league douche hates someone because of how they look or who they love. So right there…eliminate douchiness and replace it with love and half your problems will disappear.

ME: Easier said than done.

JESUS: Now see? You’re being a negative Nellie again. You people need learn how to think for yourselves. Dad and I really spent a lot of time working on making the human brain and we did a pretty good job. You just need to use it. Stop being a sheep.

ME: And what are the other things?

JESUS: Try to come up for a word that denotes a single sheep. One sheep is a sheep, two or more sheep are still sheep? What the hell? Come on! You people went into space. Work on your language!

Oh, and WEAR A MASK fer crying out loud! It’s a mask not a political statement. You’re going to kill your nonni if you don’t. Jeez…again…stop listening to fools and buttheads. Man…listen to me today. I’m really cranky and so tired, my little pineapple. Just do what you know is right.

ME: Ok. But hey, I get that you travel a lot for your job. But there are WaWa(s) all over the place. It still doesn’t explain why you’re at a 7-11. And don’t think I’m buying that malarkey about being on your ‘route’.

JESUS: Okay, my little cheddar ball, you caught me. The truth is, I’m addicted to root beer Slurpees.

ME: NO!!!

JESUS: Satan works in his own evil way. So, listen. As long as you’re here…

ME: Yeah yeah. Some things never change. You want a 32 oz?

JESUS: Of course. And one of those hot dogs on the merry-go-round if you don’t mind.

ME: Seriously? Those things will kill you.

JESUS: Are you not familiar with my personal history?

ME: Oh right. Ok. I’ll be back in a minute. I don’t suppose you’re going to pony up some dough to pay for this stuff.

JESUS: I’m a little strapped for cash.

ME: Yeah, yeah. Jesus. He’s not just a savior. He’s also a schnorrer.

JESUS: One other thing, chickpea…

ME: Yes?

JESUS: You never saw me here, okay?

ME: You’re weird, you know that?

JESUS: Now is that any way to talk to a Savior?