Jumbled Thoughts 19

VIRtuAL disILLusionment

2021-12-17T04:11:00.001-08:00

These devices creating a depression

A lack of connection

All-consuming, a disillusion of self perception.

Yet no one really wants to see…

Selfies screaming, “me, me, me!”

Electronic likes, dopamine hits, neural pathways erode, lack of attention, depleting wit.

Empty stares and hollow eyes…

A non-reality constructed of so many little white lies.

Yet often seen, when I look around, so many detached beings unable to put their devices down…

Gate by the Road

2019-10-03T19:20:00.001-07:00

Standing at the gate by the road

Seeing the stars against the sky

Wondering what it all means

But not questioning why

My eyes are wide open,

I don’t want to blink

Still kinda scared you could disappear

Gone like water down the sink

You tell me you won’t

So I have to believe

And I know myself enough

To know that I’ll never leave

Because we are iridescent

Brilliant, bold, bright and glowing

Sunshine, this warmth

Feel our true reality growing

I didn’t know love was like this

You told me I never felt it for real

And babe, I cry tears of joy

With the beauty of what I feel

When I’m with you....

Winning

2019-09-18T02:56:00.001-07:00

Many days searching,

Seeking the great unknown.

A purpose, a mission,

turning over the heavy stones.

Half the world unconscious, busy..

The rest stuck in suffering, trapped. misery.

Not really living, lives half-dressed

A handful making changes,

Trying to do what’s best...

It makes me wonder, question why?

Is it just human nature?

Ultimately, aren’t we all going to die?

Watching days pass

While the earth continues spinning,

With cyclical trends,

in the end,

who’s really winning?

I know with my heart on my sleeve,

And each day, a warm sun.

With each breath I take,

The realization is

I’ve already won...

Peaceful February Mornings

2019-02-02T06:31:00.001-08:00

Peaceful mornings greeted by the sun.

A world painted brightly,

The darkness undone.

The energy as it comes alive

In the brisk February breeze.

Faith that pulls you closer

Warmth in winter,

Just nature’s tease.

And you know spring is coming,

Blooms will be here in a short time.

Serenity in the solitude,

Thoughts also blossom with a rested mind.

Building and growing,

A new foundation is stronger.

Open the earth, love this life,

You aren’t alone any longer...

Winter Warmth, a love unfolding

2019-01-21T07:06:00.001-08:00

Getting unstuck

When the world is influx

Frozen while my heart unthaws

A trinity surreal

That I can touch, I can feel

Broken down like the meal in my stomach

But mixed signals compounded

Essence true, I’m grounded

Dumbfounded

Is it rising or will I plummet?

Is it crazy that I just know

A softness heavy

Like I’ve lifted a levy

And let everything fall gently like snow

White and bright

In the darkness and in the light

Able to see clearly, it’s true

Able to face the fright that lingers

I am certain somehow

See the power

Live right now

That together we’ll continue to grow

✨❤️🌱

I still find myself at times wondering if you’re real. It feels like the universe just gave us to each other finally after a long period of suffering. Immersed in gratitude everyday because I just can’t believe how lucky I am, how wonderful it feels and how you make my heart sing with laughter. I’ve never known a man like you or felt a connection like this. It feels real and organic. Genuine. Pure. Loving. All I could ever ask for. When I’m sitting next to you, and you’re playing the piano for me, one of our songs “Everything” by Passenger and the tears brim from the corners of my eyes because life is so fleeting and beautiful and the feelings I feel are so profound. Never thought you’d be in my life. It’s magical. I’m thankful. I’ll watch the stars kiss the earth with you every night and feel swallowed by the sky. Listening to Alan Watts and mesmerized in those dark brown eyes... melting into them. Feeling my heart swell. You are my match. I knew when we met. I just needed to be patient, let life take its course as it would. But my feet are planted these days and I feel like I’m finally home. Thank you for your love. It changed my whole life. ❤️

new day, new world

2019-01-18T06:31:00.001-08:00

Watching the world as it falls away

Redefined over rolling hills

And fields kissed with morning frost

A fragmented existence that used to pull

In multiple directions

With chaos in a city

A mind never quiet

Now cloaked in soft mornings

Where eves painting a peaceful existence

And the sky is a sea of stars

Never thought I’d discover

Step outside, let my breath linger

Hovering and uncovering

Slowly, quickly discovering

Upside down with meaning behind all

But so many, so small

With capacity limited

And capitalist consumers devouring

Empty words dripping

Really seeing it all...

someone special

2018-10-15T10:01:00.001-07:00

I remember saying to Evan when I met Bruce, “I think I met someone really special.”

He replied to me, “Maybe you did. I hope you realize you deserve someone special... Emily, you are special.”

I was thinking about those words this past week and how I miss his wisdom. When Bruce decided it wasn’t good timing I cried to Evan. He reminded me that what’s meant to be will work it’s way out and if Bruce couldn’t really see me for all that I am, then it was his loss.

Evan was a sounding board for me. I loved him that way. He was always honest and sincere. Even when I couldn’t see clearly, his words would shine a light through the fog and I could find my way home.

When he died I felt like a piece of me died. We were close and our friendship was real. Nobody really knew except a few of his friends. His opinions mattered to me and he always had a perspective that could challenge mine. He forced me to grow in many ways. Outside of who I was and who I thought I needed to be.

I remember the day I was told he died. How my world just felt shattered. Reflecting on it it reminds me of those old movies where a captain or Sargent delivers the news to a wife waiting at home for her husband to return from war. The officer walks up the stairs and knocks on the door, when the wife sees who it is she crumbles and collapses in grief. When my friend told me that he passed the day before, I just fell to the pavement. Sobbing, crushed...Like every bit of me was breaking and it felt so unfair because I thought he was just busy and not responding to my messages, when in reality he’d been sick. When I finally spoke to his parents and I was told he called out to me before he slipped into a coma felt beyond devastating. His parents didn’t know me very well and it wasn’t until he died that they pieced it together. I would have been there had I known and I think that’s the part I still really struggle with. Evan and I were never romantic, but he was certainly a counterpoint and one of the most important people in my life. When I went through my divorce he helped pick me up off the floor... quite literally. I loved Evan, probably even more than I realized. When he was gone so suddenly, without an opportunity for me to say goodbye, it cut a big hole in my heart.

I feel like I still feel his presence sometimes, and he’s laughing at me because Bruce came back into my life and he told me how if it was really someone special they would. That sometimes time just needs to pass, perspectives need to shift.

I feel lucky that I knew Evan. He was an amazing human. Probably one of the best I’ve ever known. Missing him still hurts and I find myself reaching for my phone sometimes and wanting to message him and say, “you were right, you were right!” But then the stark reality hits and I’m reminded that is no longer possible. However, I will always carry him in my heart, and he may not be here in a way that I recognize anymore, but his energy still flows through me. Through that I can remain close to him, it’s just on a different level now and I’m working to be alright with that. Because everything that will be, will be.

—————————————————————

Monday Sunrise

2018-10-15T09:28:00.001-07:00

The light of the morning

Fresh air and the soft breeze

Thankful for the energy

That I can feel, and I can see

If one plus one plus one makes three

Darkness dissipates,

Transcending fantasy

Just a murmur moved me

The glowing essence,

The beauty...

looking from another level

2018-10-11T06:47:00.001-07:00

I found you in a field. The grass was long and waving as the winds blew across it...Glare of the sun in my eyes but I could see you motioning with your arm to come to you. I ran towards you but it never felt like I was getting closer. suddenly you seemed about 50 yards away and you took off running to the treeline...

I caught up with you, we made it to the forest. Both of us sprinting so fast it was like in those movies where it’s super speed. Straight ahead there was like this giant redwood. Massive. Like in the northern forests of California. I remember feeling the bark of the tree, the pattern seemed extraordinarily intricate and I traced with my finger, feeling the toughness of the bark. Watching small pieces of it flake away.

You told me we have to climb the tree. It will help us see... I just nodded and followed. It seemed easier than I expected it to be. Looking up I saw you above me, mixed with the sparkling light as it flickered through the tree branches. At the very top, once me made it through the canopy we could see everything. The sun felt warm. The breeze was soft, the way it was when we were in the shade on Saturday.

I talked about wolves I thought were chasing me. How they frightened me, especially when I could see their fangs. You told me I didn’t need to worry about them they were below us and couldn’t climb trees. Told me how absurd it was to feel frightened by them. I smiled when I caught your eyes. They were such a soft brown, which seemed in contrast to the intensity that I felt them piercing back into mine. Shaded under your strong brow and squinting a bit while you smiled back.

Life was elevated. I just needed to look at it from another level.

I woke at 5:49am with a smile. Peaked at my phone and saw you already sent me a good morning message. Today will be a great day. 🌾

abstract arrhythmia

2017-02-14T06:57:00.001-08:00

# abstract arrhythmia

Date: Feb 14, 2017

Pink skies unfold,

Open my eyes, I'm told

Cause the shadows sold my heart into darkness.

But I can see the light,

Feel the warmth, grasp it tight.

Still this frantic little girl-child panicked...

Third degree burns.

Head & heart don't take turns.

They say experience is how you learn,

except when you don't...

And I can't,

No I won't...

Let my world fill up with smoke.

My love's no joke,

And I won't choke on these words...

the rhythm between the steps

2017-01-31T21:39:00.001-08:00

the rhythm between the steps:

Like a steel drum,

or subtle strum,

This spark deep within my chest.

Maybe cause I wasn't expecting to be stopped by the syncopation, can't seem to catch my breath...

Find myself falling

Flickering

Feeling the rhythm between the steps.

Excitement grows,

I know it shows.

I'm ready, so what's next?

Inauguration thoughts

2017-01-20T21:44:00.001-08:00

If I were smoke from a flameless fire would I still billow up, would I smolder and expire. Or did I just never exist at all? Nearly a fragment, a thought, a concept so small?

But we're watching everyone, while they're watching us... Chests out, narrowed eyes, shoulders broad and acting tough.

And frankly, my dear, I've had enough. The world is already rough without you being so gruff.

Time to STFU and blow away with the dust....

Both feet

2017-01-05T19:04:00.001-08:00

Meditations focus - Open and Embracing the Present

2017-01-05T10:48:00.001-08:00

There is beauty everywhere.

Even in my sadness I can see it, feel it, embrace it.

It reminds me that I'm human.

That I feel the fleeting moment because I am in that fleeting moment.

I am ALIVE,

and that right there, is the most beautiful thing of all...

i like talking to you

2017-01-05T10:43:00.001-08:00

Gives me that outta gas,

gonna be stranded kind of sputter.

Find myself tripping, not falling, tongues slipping and I stutter.

But jaded as fuck, so not gonna let that heart flutter.

I'll just stand here.

Try to play it cool...

Echoes and whispers

2016-12-05T20:57:00.001-08:00

Just echoes

Subtle whispers

Memories I thought I knew

Though silently swallowed

Still a seed was planted

From dripping dew you grew

#justfollowthemovement #danceoutside #subtlesway #echoesandwhispers

Started working on a new piece today....

- Echoes and whispers -

About the lies we tell ourselves and how they manifest. This will be set on a duet.

Movement phrase i

https://instagram.com/p/BNqCe2njSzbXuje6ONQE1niJlBwGS9A6OtSBqw0/

Phrase ii https://youtu.be/WB9hL5YsnCY

#workinprogress

November 25th

2016-11-29T10:03:00.001-08:00

Even in this sadness I can see the beauty.

I'm reminded of how human I am.

It reminds me that I'm alive.

It also shows me that I'm strong enough to open my heart again.

--------------------------------------------------------

I keep flashing back to listening to him on the piano...

The way his fingers danced over the keys,

I was completely mesmerized.

I wanted to know him.

The aura that he carried felt surreal.

It was like a glittery golden essence, that I felt lucky to get a glimpse of...

everything

2016-11-24T05:27:00.002-08:00

This song has been breaking my heart.

Cause everything is nothing til you have someone to share it with..

Damn.

I’m usually pretty strong but this one definitely hurt….

"EVERYTHING" by Passenger

Youtube Video - Passenger "Everything"

[Verse 1]
When you got nothing
Freewheeling and free falling you go
When you got nothing you've got something to proveThen you get something
Something that you've always dreamed about
When you got something you've got something to lose

[Chorus 1]They'll take everything
They'll take your spark
They'll take everything
They'll break your heart
They'll take everything
Oh cause nothing's ever something
Until you lose everything

[Verse 2]
Before you got everything
You're flying high, you don't wanna come down
But something stirs down in your soul
If everything is nothing
Til you got somebody to share it with
Somebody to have somebody to hold

[Chorus 2]
Give 'em everything
Give 'em light and dark
Give 'em everything
Give 'em all your heart
Give 'em everything
Yeah, 'cause nothing's ever something
'Til you give everything

[Outro]
Cause nothing's lost forever
Yeah, but some things they never change
You know that anything is better
When you've got love
You've got everything
You've got everything
Oh oh, everything
Oh oh, everything
Oh oh, everything
Yeah, 'cause nothing's ever something
'Til you give everything

invisible illness

2016-11-22T17:51:00.002-08:00

My mother sent me this today - http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2hpUoh?ref_src=sms

Pretty accurate portrayal of living with type 1 diabetes. Just because I don't look sick doesn't mean I'm not. I just hide it pretty well.

#diabetesawarenessmonth #type1

#type1diabetes #invisibleillness #educateyourself

#alwaysthankful

2016-11-22T07:45:00.003-08:00

I spoke to Jill the other week. I miss her classes immensely, and pedagogy and all the knowledge and life lessons she instilled in us. I feel very lucky to have had such wonderful mentors in my life. Ones who taught me to get outside my comfort zone and anything that's worth it requires hard work and diligent focus. Jill was one of the great ones who taught me lessons that I still think about today. #mentors #deancollege #ballet #wonderfulteacher #thankfuleveryday

a beautiful kind of happy

2016-11-21T08:15:00.003-08:00

wow.

seriously pinching myself.
never connected with anyone on this level.

the brilliance he radiates lights up my life.
the attraction is so beyond surface level.
feeling like he sees me for everything that I am, and that my real beauty is my heart...

floating and feeling like the epitome of a cliche.
but just gonna soak it all in.

cause it's a beautiful kind of happy.

i dont like that i like you

2016-05-20T09:35:00.001-07:00

I don't like that I like you
Makes me uncomfortable
Shift around in my seat
Left feeling vulnerable
And I'm not sure if you get it
But a part of me thinks you do
I tried to fix my heart
It's still a mess of broken pieces and glue

just watch me

2016-05-12T14:23:00.001-07:00

Watch me.
I'll be moving mountains.
Parting the sea.
Wreakless.
Just let it be.
I never was your enemy.
But your heart is black as onyx,
And honest, I'm on it,
but I held on til shit was chronic.
Fuckin ironic.
Nah,
more like moronic.
That I expected different from you...

Midnight confessions

2015-02-19T06:25:00.001-08:00

Oh red harvest moon
you appeared much too soon
Signifying summer went.
Days gone,
Stolen and spent.
But I don't have a penny, not one fucking cent. Weak and crumbling,
Falling to my knees in prayer.
Trying to repent.
Cause it's been a struggle
Its certainly been real...
Trying to convince this broken heart to heal.

This crazy....

2014-12-17T15:02:00.001-08:00

This crazy anxiety
Misguiding me...
Wrapped up, restrained, it's tying me.
DOWN.
But, I'm not lying, see...
The complications challenge
I'm trying. Please.
Cigarette burns. Fingers ashy.

Let me break free!
And no, it doesn't matter if you agree
Cause I know 1+1+1 makes 3
And that it takes more than a day to grow a tree
And I won't wither
I won't decay
But rather than walk away,
I chose to stay