My Blog

Coping with Losing Our Children

2013-05-22T16:41:36Z

I thought I knew pain and heartache. I was orphaned young, miscarried two babies, spent 9 years in infertility hell, was physically attacked and saw my share of various tragedies. As I looked at my 20 month old daughter sleeping peacefully in my arms last night with the newscaster’s voice in my head describing the devastating death of small children in Oklahoma, I knew I have barely scratched the depth of despair one can feel in this world. I gently stroked her cheek and wished I could freeze the moment for forever.

We have lost so many children in the past year. Some to the actions of mad people like Sandy Hook, Boston and the tragedy which unfolded in Kansas while I was visiting this month. Then there are the ones lost to acts of nature like Oklahoma. All I see are these grieving moms and dads going home to find empty rooms, unslept in beds, motionless toys and silence. The silence must be the worst.

I have heard people say having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside your body. I think it is true. My daughter is my heart and soul and my light. I want to wrap her up on my body and put a turtle shell over us. This way I will know if something happens to her I did everything I could to save her because I was there until the bitter end. It is unrealistic. It is irrational. It is how I imagine most moms feel today.

The most appalling realization a mother can have is there are circumstances out of her control. Unless I bubble wrap my daughter up, never leave the house and most likely find myself the subject of a social services investigation about my anti-social behavior, I can’t prevent the bulk of most injuries or tragedies. Would we have fun at home alone? Duh! Who doesn’t like to pop bubble wrap? However, I’m sure eventually even the thrill of popping bubble wrap, reading, TV, shadow puppets and craft projects will wan. As much as I would love for me to be able to protect her from all harm, would it truly be in her best interest?

One of the greatest parts of motherhood is seeing our children experience life. Their joy of flying through the air in a swing at the park. The giggle of chasing friends in the yard. The sense of accomplishment on completing a move at gymnastics. I marvel at her new discovers. She loves exploring the world around her except the world of handstands at gymnastics which she still despises. I can protect her from falling off the playground gym equipment but she will miss the opportunity to climb, swing, and slide. I can protect her from bad people in public but she would miss out on gymnastics, friendships and music class. How can I take all that way from her?

Now, I’m not one to give up hope or live in fear. I decided to sit down and make a list of things I can do.

1. I can smile. The first night I left the hospital with her I was sitting in a hotel room with her screaming for hours and we were both crying. I made a crucial decision. Every time she would look at me I would smile. Every time. I wanted the main thing she saw as an infant was a happy friendly face. There were times I smiled through tears or pain but I smiled. Now, she is older I do adjust my expression for the situation such as understanding face and the “you better not” face but most of the time during the day she will look up from her playing to find me. I will smile at her. She smiles back and go on with her playing. It amazes me how often she still does it daily. It gives me the chance throughout the day to see her gorgeous smiling face. I want that image etched in my brain for life.

2. I can teach. It starts with teaching the dangers of the stove, baby proofing walls sockets and evolves into no crossing the street without holding my hand. Then it gets more complicated. It is crucial they learn to be aware of their surroundings, how to react to strangers, learn our phone number, etc. There is an enormous amount we can teach them to protect themselves. I am going to start looking for resources to improve my knowledge as her world begins to expand.

3. I can give her a happy place. Some people are religious and some people aren’t. Both are fine. I happen to be one who enjoys a close relationship with God. It has helped me get through life during many a hard times. I know people can find the same comfort with nature or yoga or running. I don’t think the method you choose is right or wrong. I think the important aspect is to teach your child there is a place to go for comfort in the hard times. For them to have a happy place is something I think many of us overlook. Sure we want them to come to us but what if we aren’t there? How can they deal with tragedy, conflict, raw emotions if they aren’t given the tools or even shown where the tool shed is located.

4. I can give her my attention. Currently she wants me to pretend to talk on her fake phone all the time. She doesn’t want to talk on it. She wants to watch me talk on it over and over and over again. It was cute the first few days. Now, I want to take the phone outside and drive over it while screaming “Towanda!” (Fried Green Tomatoes reference) I sigh a little but every time I take that bloody phone and have a silly conversation. Children don’t always remember how their room looked, what they wore or what they ate: all things moms have to spend tons of time doing. But they do remember how things felt emotionally. She is going to have negative emotions. It is a simple fact of life. I can do my best not to add to the negative pile, to instill confidence and grant her the knowledge she has worth. Her words have worth to me. Her actions have worth to me. She is worthy of my attention.

5. I can be a positive force in my community. Why does the death of someone else’s child cut me so deep? Because we are a part of something bigger. Why do so many people reach out to help? Because they know we all have a responsibility to our neighbor to help. If I was in distress, I would want someone to help me. I would be selfish if I didn’t return the favor. It may not be popular in this dog eat dog independent world we have developed but I can’t help thinking a village working together would be able to save more lives. If we recognized the signs of distress in an acquaintance and reached out to comfort. If we spent time with an elderly neighbor and noticed when there was a problem like fraud or illness. I read the story of a teacher in the tornado laying across three kids to protect them. Those weren’t her kids but they were someone’s kids and they are fine now. Last I heard she might not make it. She was a positive force for her village. It is uncomfortable nowadays to reach out to strangers. I’m going to do it anyway. Who knows if I will stop a future tragedy with my kindness today.

Love, faith and compassion are the only real tools I have in my mommy tool belt. I will use them to continue to find ways I can protect my daughter while not limiting her potential opportunities.

Smile at your loved ones today. Spend some time in your happy place. Give your attention to your family. Start looking at your world through the eyes of a participant. Your village needs you. Our children need you.

Eavesdropping on Myself

2013-05-16T13:38:26Z

Yesterday we returned from vacation. I turned on Pocoyo for the toddler while we unloaded the car. When I returned I found two pieces of dog food on the TV stand and my daughter chewing. Apparently she had helped herself to the dog bowl and brought her snacks to watch TV. I threw away the dog food, moved the dish with more dog food in it out of reach and filled her sippy cup with water.

Junebug: “OK, Boo, here is some water to wash down your dog food snack.”

She runs into the kitchen and the place where the bowl was sitting.

Junebug: ”Ummm…yea…no more dog food for you! All gone.”

Baby Bug: She flapped her arms up and down and sighed. ”Alright.”

Too many adverbs and clichés in your writing? I’ve got just the fix for you.

2013-05-06T17:39:17Z

Today you are being treated to a guest post by Jessica Bell. I met Jessica a couple of A to Z campaigns ago. She is an exceptional writer. People can be great writers but exceptional writers help other writers to grow in their shared craft. I’m not saying this to butter her up so she will invite me to be her assistant or the official pencil sharpener at the Homeric Writers’ Retreat and Workshop she hosts on the Greek Isle of Ithaca. One day I will make it there. I will admit she can’t have me be the interpreter since the only Greek phrase I know is “F… You.” I apologize for the weird spacing in spots. I attempted to fix it before I left on vacation but ran out of time.

Writers constantly have rules thrown at them left, right, and center. Show, don’t tell! Stop using so many dialogue tags! More sensory detail! More tension! Speed up the pace! Yada yada yada … it can become overwhelming, yes? I used to feel overwhelmed by it all too. In fact, I still do sometimes. It’s hard enough to get the words on the page, let alone consider how to put them there.

In Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird, she says that in order not to be overwhelmed, a writer needs to focus on short assignments. She refers to the one-inch picture frame on her desk and how that little picture frame reminds her to focus on bite-sized pieces of the whole story. Basically, if you focus on one small thing at a time, the story will eventually come together to create a whole. I believe the same applies to learning the craft of writing. If writers focus on one aspect of the craft at a time, the process will seem less daunting and piece by piece it will come together.

My name’s Jessica Bell, and my own struggles with feeling overwhelmed inspired me to write the Writing in a Nutshell Series of pocket-sized writing guides. So you can learn to hone your craft in bite-sized, manageable pieces. In the first book of the series, I focused on demonstrating how to transition “telling” into “showing.” In Adverbs & Clichés in a Nutshell: Demonstrated Subversions of Adverbs & Clichés into Gourmet Imagery, I deal with another of the most common criticisms aspiring writers face: to absolutely avoid adverbs and clichés like the plague. But see, right now, I just used one of each. I also used a couple in the first two paragraphs of this post because they come naturally, and we utilize them frequently in everyday speech. But in fiction, too many adverbs and clichés weaken your prose. It’s considered “lazy writing,” because it means we don’t have to show what’s happening.

If your manuscript has too many adverbs and clichés, it most likely means that the emotion you felt while writing it is not going to translate to the reader in the same way. So how exactly can we approach the subversion of adverbs and clichés? For starters, play around with simile and metaphor when you’re trying to convey emotion, and for action, use strong verbs to show it happening in real time.

The key? Think smaller details rather than the bigger picture.

Need some help and inspiration?

In Adverbs & Clichés in a Nutshell: Demonstrated Subversions of Adverbs & Clichés into Gourmet Imagery, you will find thirty-four examples of prose which clearly demonstrate how to turn those pesky adverbs and clichés into vivid and unique imagery. Dispersed throughout are blank pages to craft your own unique examples. Extra writing prompts are also provided at the back of the book.

“Jessica Bell’s latest pocket guide, Adverbs & Clichés in a Nutshell, will inspire you to leave bland behind and pursue your creative best. With force and clarity, she demonstrates how adverbs and clichés hobble vibrant writing. She then marks a course toward unique expression and provides workouts that will help writers at every level develop a distinctive voice.” ~Laurel Garver, freelance editor, author of Never Gone and Muddy-Fingered Midnights

Purchase links:
Amazon US | Amazon UK | Amazon Ca | Kobo

Bio: The Australian-native contemporary fiction author and poet, Jessica Bell, also makes a living as an editor and writer for global ELT publishers (English Language Teaching), such as Pearson Education, HarperCollins, Macmillan Education, Education First and Cengage Learning.

She is the co-publishing editor of Vine Leaves Literary Journal, and the director of the Homeric Writers’ Retreat & Workshop on the Greek island of Ithaca.

For more information about Jessica please visit:
Website | Blog | Twitter | Facebook

Traveling with a Toddler

2013-05-06T17:39:49Z

Today I am taking my 19 month old daughter on her first flight. She has no idea. I have no idea how she is going to react, behave, nap, eat, meltdown, etc. I’m preparing for the worst and praying for the best. Here are a few of the items we have bought in preparation.

Full disclosure: Most the pictures are linked to Amazon. I do have an Amazon affiliate link and if you buy anything after linking to Amazon through me I do receive a percentage of what you buy. I don’t know who bought what so I can’t link it to you specifically. All funds raised with my Amazon affiliate link go into the fund for our second adoption. So far we have raised almost $500 through this link alone! Thank you!

1. My friend suggested this cart to attach our carseat to and be able to roll it. We are being picked up by my husband’s sister and will be getting our rental later otherwise we wouldn’t take our carseat.

2. I got these coloring markers which only mark on the special paper. No chance she will mark up the airplane with these babies.

3. We loaded up the iPad with episodes of Pocoyo, Blue’s Clues and Big Block Sing Song. This is my favorite Big Block Sing Song.

4. Snacks. Snacks. Snacks. She loves these Grammy Sammys. You can find them in Target.

5. My Mei Tai. I am a babywearing momma. I couldn’t decide between my Mei Tai, Ergo or Ring Sling so I’m taking all three. The Etsy lady I bought my Mei Tai must be taking a break because her shop is empty. This is what my Ergo sport looks like except in black.

6. Her blankies! She is in a big time blanky phase.

7. Her binkys! We typically only allow these in her crib but if it is the only way I can quiet her I will do it! I don’t have this one but how funny!

8. Hyland Teething tablets. These happy pills same my sanity! She has had five bottom come in this last week and one more is about to pop through. You know it will happen as soon as we board the plane.

9. You can’t have the sound on your iPad so we got her these adorable headphones. Fingers crossed she will wear them.

10. For mom: I was given this Vera Bradley travel wallet from a friend when I went to Europe. I love it! Traveling with a toddler you are required to bring their birth certificate. This wallet hold cards, money, and a slot for paperwork and Passports. I will not travel without it.

Soon all these items will be enjoying the prairies of Kansas. What are your must haves when traveling with a toddler?

Second Chance

2013-05-06T14:46:37Z

I was supposed to run my first 10K this past Saturday. Friday I decided I wasn’t ready. I really struggled with my decision. I was pissed at myself for not working harder. I’ve been fighting the gloomy clouds. I’m an emotional eater and I’m emotionally eating everything I can right now. Hanging head in shame. I finally told my friends I was not going to run. It was too much for me right now. Then I cried. Then the heavens cried. Soon the streets were flooded and the race was postponed. Who has two thumbs and a second chance to complete her first 10K? This gal! We don’t have the date yet. I’m leaving on vacation today and I’m going to try to get in a few runs as I gallivant around the state of Kansas.

Mamavation Results

260.8 I lost 3 pounds!

I was feeling like a complete fitness failure but lost 3 pounds!

This week’s Goals:

1. Run at least twice while on vacation this week.

2. Take time to sit and relax with my family and friends.

3. Make a plan to reach my goals for the rest of 13in2013

“ This post is sponsored by Dr. Ken and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway ”

You!

2013-04-29T13:21:17Z

I’m participating in A to Z challenge for April. Today is Y.

Putting YOU into your workout. Often I will find myself out there on the road. Pushing to do one more mile. When I will start to dig deep inside myself. I start to talk to myself as if I’m standing on the outside. Like I am every voice I’ve ever heard talk to me. I say: You are the only one who can finish another mile. You are the only one who can make the change. You are the one who has failed yourself. You are the only one you hurt when you give up. You can do this. You are stronger than you think. Yada yada yada… Then I cry. Yep. I cry. Sometimes the tears choke me and steal my breath as I heave past the old me. There you are I think. Moving past another obstacle you have allowed to steal life from you.

People can say they exercise for many reasons. Most are afraid to say they do it for themselves. While it is true I run partly for my daughter so she can have a mother for as long as possible but I do it for me. My body. My mind. My longevity. When I look in a mirror, I have to say, “This is for you!”

Mamavation Monday Results

263.8 Up 2.2 didn’t expect a gain.

Goals for the week:

1. Continue training and finish my first 10K on Saturday. Race 6 in my #13in2013 challenge.

2. Find 3 ways to thank people in my support system

“ This post is sponsored by Pete Cohen and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention &weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway ”

NOTE: I am looking for guest posters for next month while I am on vacation. Please contact me through my Contact Me under About Junebug in my header.

Umbrellas

2013-04-24T17:39:12Z

I’m participating in A to Z challenge for April. Today is U.

We have been spending a ton of time at the beach lately and I have become obsessed with finding a good umbrella shade option. Full disclosure: All the umbrella pictures are linked to Amazon. I do have an Amazon affiliate link and if you buy anything after linking to Amazon through me I do receive a percentage of what you buy. I don’t know who bought what so I can’t link it to you specifically. All funds raised with my Amazon affiliate link go into the fund for our second adoption.

We have an umbrella like this one only it went down in the sand and wasn’t a stand but last year it blew out and almost took out 4 nearby sunbathers. Not a big fan of it for our windy area.

I have seen several of these lately but I worry about how well they stay down in the wind. My friend had one at the beach this morning and my daughter loved it!!! It is on my short list.

I briefly considered just getting this umbrella chair but so far I spend most my time chasing down my water baby and most likely would not get to use it much.

I couldn’t help but notice this unusual umbrella for your pet. LOL

Here is a great find of an autographed photo of Robin Williams with some beach umbrellas. Not sure why.

I even found umbrella straws for my drinks!

I could go with this amazing hat.

Which is your favorite option? Do you like an umbrella at the beach?

Trees!

2013-04-24T17:17:21Z

I’m participating in A to Z challenge for April. Today is T. Actually yesterday was but I’m a day late again.

My house used to be surrounded by trees but they are ready to expand my subdivision and they are taking them down. I grabbed a few shots yesterday of the process. I’m sad to see them go down.

I’m going to miss my trees. Sniff. Guess it is time to move again to a house with some trees.

Support

2013-04-22T16:33:58Z

I’m participating in A to Z challenge for April. Today is S.

A week ago the country was taken by surprise with the Boston Marathon Bombing. As a wanna-be runner, it impacted me deeper than I would have guessed. Runners are a close-knit community. I run with my friends. I run in a fantastic run club. I have connecting with other runners via social media. We all know the sacrifices and dedication needed so we support each other with encouraging words, tips and motivation.

The following day, like many runners across the world, I gathered with my run club for a run to honor the victims of the bombing. My club is a christian club so we start every workout with a prayer. Our leader made a point which made me pause to think deep. He said many of wounded were not the runners but the crowd. The people there to support us. I knew this from the news but it hadn’t sunk in what it meant. I have done 5 races this year and every single one of them have been lined with people clapping, cheering, waving signs and supporting us. I don’t know most the people but they are cheering for me anyway. Two days before the bombing I ran a race. I remember as I came into the last quarter mile thinking “I can’t walk now. People(I don’t even know!) will see me. I will disappoint them.” I ran across the line with my traditional Jazz Hands waving to the crowd as they clapped and shouted for me. Jazz hands + pink tutu with bras hanging off of it = crowd pleaser. I felt warm and fuzzy, not just because I ran/walked 3.2 miles, but because strangers made me feel good about it.

Suddenly realizing the crowd of supporters were the largest numbers making the ultimate sacrifice of limbs and life in Boston, broke me down. Seeing the picture of the bomber right behind the family which lost their son, their daughter lost her leg and the mom is still critical tears me up. These were innocent moms, dads, daughters, sons, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors there giving up freely their time to support another person’s goal to run in the Boston Marathon. They knew a person doesn’t just wake up and say I’m going to go run 26.2 miles. They were compelled to clap and cheer for loved ones, friends and strangers because they recognized a marathon is a grand achievement. Most importantly they knew a physical challenge is often an even bigger mental challenge. I’m only up to a 5K but I have had huge World War battles in my head. Occasionally I will break through a mental block and spend my run crying. In an odd way by wearing myself down completely physically, I am able to find cracks in my interior wall built during years of pain to protect myself but which now hold me prisoner. When I am at my weakest in mile 3 people are lined up along the street clapping and shouting encouragement to me a total stranger. I see them as these extremely kind, supportive and generous members of my community.

I do not believe we can survive in this world without support. My running times would be worse if my friends and strangers weren’t cheering for me and supporting me. I couldn’t raise my daughter as well if I didn’t have the support of my friends and family. I wouldn’t be who I am today without people supporting me along the way. The bombers struck at the heart of the runner’s support system. I pray for the victims of this horrible crime. They are going to need people supporting them now. They shouldn’t grieve alone. They can’t overcome the challenge to learn to walk with artificial legs without support. They can’t beat the mental barriers this trauma has left without support. I wish we could all line up and clap for the survivors letting them know we support them and understand their sacrifice, hard work and dedication because for many of them they are at the beginning of a very different marathon – the marathon of recovery both physically and mentally.

Mamavation Monday Results

261.6 down .20 (almost a whole quarter of a pound!) LOL

At least I’m going in the right direction! This turtle will win the race.

Goals for the week:

1. Train for my 10k in two weeks. Get in a long run of 5 miles.

2. Find 3 ways to thank people in my support system.

NOTE: I am looking for guest posters for next month while I am on vacation. Please contact me through my Contact Me under About Junebug in my header.

“ This post is sponsored by Doctor G and hosted by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway ”

Quiet and Rest

2013-04-21T01:55:02Z

I’m participating in A to Z challenge for April. I’m behind so I am combining Q and R.

Quiet – Making little or no noise. Absence of noise or bustle; silence; calm. Make or become silent, calm or still.

Is it ever really quiet? I can sit on my sofa and think it is quiet because no one else is home and the TV is off but if I concentrate I can hear the hum of the fridge, the whirl of the computer modem, the ticking of the ceiling fan chain against the light, the breathing of my dog and the hum of my DVR. When our electricity goes out, it is eerily quieter without all the background white noise I am used to hearing.

Speaking of quiet…it makes me want to rest. It has been a long week. My daughter is taking 6 breathing treatments a day. The 2 in morning and night take almost an hour each time. As you can imagine suddenly losing 3 hours of time in your day is making quite an impact on my ability to be productive. Respiratory illnesses in toddlers are no fun for anyone. We should find out Tuesday what the issue is and how we can work towards wellness. I’m going to rest now. Hopefully I can get a start on next week’s posts and not fall apart again.

NOTE: I am looking for guest posters for next month while I am on vacation. Please contact me through my Contact Me under About Junebug in my header.