How could this happen?  Are Americans really this angry that they bite each others body parts off?   Americans  are warm-hearted, generous, and believe in rigid yet polite political discussion.  This type of anger just isn’t possible. That leaves me with two options:  This chomper was either trying to prove a point or if he was just hungry.

Let’s explore this further with hard evidence:

1) Universal Health Care Reformers are Zombies - Zombies are mindless formerly-human creatures who have an insatiable craving to infringe on others’ “right to life” and well being.  They don’t think, they simply follow and appear somewhat “human”.  Slaves to their own status quo, their sole craving is to to take from others what does not belong to them.  Zombies can come from highly infectious diseases, magical spells, playing Michael Jackson’s Thriller in graveyards, and more.   They also seem to like like insurance.  A LOT.

Everyone knows zombies have a habit of eat people.  You must steer clear of them, and if they get into your space you NEVER throw a punch.  A fair fight is not in the zombie’s mind - only to feed their craving for human flesh.  Never approach or pass through a zombie zone without proper arms:  a baseball bat (metal, not wood), a shotgun, or a shovel.  You aim for the head and give it your best shot.  If your first shot does not stop the personal space intruder, then fire again.  If you’re overwhelmed by Zombies, retreat to a safe house or to common human brethren who are well equipped to take out the approaching flesh eating hoards.

I suggest every Universal health care opponent learn about this veritable foe and read the Zombie Survival Guide.

2) Biting off the limbs of your opponents will prove a point - In any government-run health care debate, nobody should know the true reality of the system like our senior citizens.  But clearly, this 65 year old man has never visited one of our American hospitals or is high on Medicare / Medicaid.  American hospitals are decrepit dumps with no regard to human health and will only replace your finger if you pay them a Trillion dollars.  (Yes, “trillion” is the new “million” in 2009.  See:  Obama Monopoly 2009)  So it only makes sense that a supporter of Universal health care “teaches” this foolish old man a lesson by sending him to a hospital to get his decapitated finger instantly sewn back on by an evil, money-mongering doctor.  That’ll teach him.  He’ll realize that waiting a few days for the cheerful, rationing US Government insurance system makes way more sense.

What’s the real story?  Zombie or proving a point?  You decide.

So yeah, on Venice Beach you can sign this billboard with your scribbles if you agree that Jesus Loves Homosexuals as much as a God-fearing, fertile, and reproducing straight peoples:

Since Jesus shares his love with drug addicts, alcoholics, and gays as if they were all normal people like the rest of us, we should see if he really loves them equally.  Now I understand that this is mostly Public Relations for religion, but I hypothesize that this love is NOT equal - in fact I propose an experiment to see what he loves the most:

First, we create three new “Jesus Loves” boards, one for drug addicts, one for alcoholics, and one for homosexuals.  Then we line them up all next to each other and give someone the option of signing one (1) board.  Then, we count the signatures between the drug addicts, alcoholics, and homosexuals.  Keep in mind if you’re a gay alcoholic drug addict, you’ve got a 100% shot of getting some of that fine, fine Jesus Lovin’.

Then, we should take it a step further and spread the Jesus love to some of those who don’t get muh Jesus Love.  And mostly because I’m curious to know who would win in a “Jesus Loves” board signing rally between:

Jesus Loves Illegal Immigration
Jesus Loves Nazis
Jesus Loves Smoking Pot (I imagine this one would be much higher in Cali, no pun intended)
Jesus Loves Communist China
Jesus Loves Satan Worshippers
Jesus Loves S&M
Jesus Loves Consumerism
Jesus Loves Obama
Jesus Loves Terrorism
Jesus Loves George W. Bush

“A country that doesn’t love culture is a country that doesn’t love those who make culture either,” said veteran director Mario Monicelli.

Yes!   Italy hates you artistic culture-loving freaks of nature.   Italian directors have produced such gems as Troll 2 (after the amazing success of Troll 1, of course) and Cattive ragazze - both representing Italy’s superior film artistry by filling Italy’s spot in the Films Considered the Worst Ever Made.

Former Rome mayor Walter Veltroni, a leader of the center-left opposition, said the arts industry employed some 200,000 people in Italy. “If it shuts down, it is as if Fiat shut down,” he said.

Listen, artists of Italy - it’s a well known fact artists produce innovative art when they are poor and/or starving.  Your best artwork has not been produced for hundreds of years.  These budget cuts aren’t for your movie-making supplies.  These cuts are strictly for your food budget.  And by the way, just because Fiat is teaching Chrysler how to make tiny cars leaves you NO room to boast about Fiat  for your tricky little comparison that will no longer be mentioned.

Some in the industry have threatened to boycott the Venice film festival, which this year runs from September 2-12, though there is no consensus on taking such a drastic step.

Protesting the Venice Film Festival is the best thing you can do.  You should represent the Italian film industry at its finest, demonstrating how your well-fed diet is creating the most moving pieces of cinematic history.  Instead of playing the feature films for the Film Festival, repeatedly play Troll 2 while the entire cast of the film performs a live reenactment - with one catch.  The lines of the film should be altered to show the importance for a well-balanced diet and quite literaly why the Italian film-making machine must be fed.   Personally, I hate when artists whine for food.  But this is your best shot.

Pike Place is a popular fish market in Seattle and also the subject of the book “Go Fish!” which outlines some of the basic principles of the company (a nice, quick read by the way). Pike Place fish market is known for its success and highly energetic ambiance, which includes shouts and throwing fish around the room.

Well, that doesn’t sit well with PETA, tossing around of fish and probably going to be eaten by a hungry meat eater who enjoys the taste of the Sea’s finest culinary delights.  Sort of a “putting yourself in fish shoes” kind of thinking, I suppose.  By the way, speaking of kittens and throwing, ever toss a cat?  I mean high, like at least 20 ft in the air?  They will always land on their feet.  Awesome.

Even better is that this event they’re protesting is filled with the most educated people who actually care about animals - they’re protesting the American Veterinary Medical Association by rolling around on the asphalt topless dressed as fish and holding signs “AVMA Supports Pain”.

Photo and Article.  Does anyone really take this crap seriously?

It’s a good opportunity to antagonize the grieving!

As far as I understand it, Westboro Baptist has a healthy  obsession with death, and every last one of us that dies has been smite by a vengeful, seemingly immature and evil God.  So my assumption is the driving force is this sound logic:  Since God is vengeful and kills everyone, it’s necessary to spend your life shitting on everyone who is possibly emotionally vulnerable.

I don’t think Fred Phelps will go to Hell.  I think there’s a place in Heaven for him, and if God has a sense of humor, and I believe that he does, Phelps’ll be forced to write and carry protest signs inscripted “God Loves Fags” through the streets wearing ass-less chaps and a purple leather vest.

For your “LOL”, here’s their Michael Jackson protest posted on their schedule page:

Staples Center - Michael Wacko Jacko Jackson is in hell! 1111 S. Figueroa St WBC will be there to remind you to stop worshiping the dead. We will be there to tell you to Thank God for the death of this filthy, adulterous, idolatrous, gender-confused, nationality-confused, unthankful brute beast. We will be there to remind you that God Killed Wacko Jacko. There is a God, and a Day of Judgment. For you to wallow and murmur against God for his righteous Judgments is sin and will cause YOU to join Michael in hell. Stop that! Be thankful that God has not already killed you because like that Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar realized after 7 years of being cursed as a crazy wild man because he did not give God the glory warns - God will deal with you WHERE YOU LIVE if you do not put away your sins. Check this out: Daniel 4:34 And at the end of the days I Nebuchadnezzar lifted up mine eyes unto heaven, and mine understanding returned unto me, and I blessed the most High, and I praised and honoured him that liveth for ever, whose dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom is from generation to generation: 35 And all the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and among the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou? Praise God, and give glory until The Most Highest for ALL his works in heaven and in earth! AMEN!

Please….smite me now.

Kim Jung Il
I don’t think anyone including his own country actually like this guy.  With stuff like this in the news I think most of us are just waiting for him to die already.   What I think is most bothersome is that the citizens of North Korea are so indoctrinated to this guy’s cockfight with the rest of the world to aspire to own weapons that they’ve been brainwashed into accepting their piss-poor condition.  Unfortunate, and this picture made me vomit a little in my mouth and laugh at the same time:

If you want a laughable read, just read his biography with quotes such as:

Sharing joy and sorrow with the people at all times and through genuine popular politics, the benevolent politics, he has made the whole country  a large revolutionary family in which all people are united around the Party and the leader.  He has also shown deep concern to providing the Korean people with worthwhile and happy lives.”

And this:

The cause of the Korean revolution advancing vigorously …. will achieve ultimate victory without fail in any storms and adversity and Korea will shine brilliantly as the motherland…where its 70 million fellowmen enjoy genuine freedom and prosperity on the reunified land.”

PETA
Haha.  PETA is protesting seal clubbing by mock-clubbing seals for my enjoyment.  They took the joys of seal-culling and brought it into sunny warm downtown.  Check out this one from the article of a middle aged woman pick-axing a pile of stuffed animals in the street doused in fake blood while PETA cheers her on:

Greenpeace
These guys recently succeeded in needlessly getting themselves arrested by blocking a port.   They’ll provide a useful service of wasting time and money in the judicial system, now, I’m sure.  Way to go guys.

Obama
Not really protest news, but he’s signing a law for “no discrimination” for Transgender empolyees. I think we should also sign a law that says nuns who wear biker clothing at night and molest adults dressed as cartoon characters and work for the government get special rights as well.  Oh yeah, and those little people, what are they called, midgets?  We should give them priviledges and stilts, only referring to them as “V.C.’s” (Vertically Challenged)  I’m sure these transgender rights will keep me from discussing my coworker’s balls, those ones who talk like Rambo wearing stockings and skirts.  This is an unfortunate law for an upstanding outspoken indiviudal like myself.

That said, I think anti-transgender discriminiation is a good thing and we should extend this across the board as soon as possible, especially in the military.  There is a severe lack of style in the U.S. military, and we should be recruiting all of those fine young men that wish they were a 20 year old girl into all parts of our armed forces.  Espcially the front lines: you want to get into some Muslim Extremist’s heads?  Stop blowing them up with Robots and bombs.  Send a whole platoon of transgendered Americans after him, wearing full on bondage gear, stockings, lipstick, and crotchless panties.  Then you add in a funky house beat and some high heels, build a catwalk from Baghdad to Iran and you walk these guys [sorry, girls] back and forth for a few weeks and see what happens.  Call it a social experiment.

It’s summer, be sure to soak in some nice warm radiation this season!

Inspired by the real Dante Alighieri, but adapted for a new generation and a new medium, the hero of the game is a soldier who defies death and fights for love against impossible odds. The Italian mercenary Dante returns home from the wars to find that his beloved Beatrice has been murdered, and her soul pulled down into Hell by a dark force. He gives chase, and vows to get her back. For weapons, he wields Death’s soul-reaping scythe, and commands holy powers of the cross, given to him by Beatrice.

Thank you EA, I know deep down that you hatched this idea just for me.  You combined three of my favorite things: clever marketing, video games, and protesting all into one package.  As a marketer, I gotta respect it.  Hats off to EA for the cool idea.  I’m sure the religious right hates you, but Jesus will still love you.

There must be a million things you can draw attention to by hiring 20 or so people for a few bucks to stand around and pretend to care about something.  I mean, most people in a protest crowd don’t do much anyhow but hold protest signs to draw attention.  But that’s the point, I think.

Here are protest signs from EA’s Protest for Dante’s Inferno:

The Website in the picture is NSFW… you have been warned.

Man, I love it when people are scared to spend money, because it effects The Economy.  When economic uncertainty abounds, people get scared, it’s interesting all the creative things The Economy inspires.  Here are a few scenarios:

“Why aren’t we going to Disneyland this year, daddy?” “The Economy told me Mickey Mouse called for you.  Yeah, he said GO TO HELL, junior.”

“Are we only going to eat Ramen noodles, fish sauce, and meatless Hamburger Helper?  We want to eat tasty bacon-wrapped fillets?” “The Economy ate your ‘effing fillet.  Now eat this banana peel for dessert and shut up.”

“Why can’t I go to college?”  “Because The Economy said there was a two-for-one sale at Kia, and if you traded one of your children in for slave labor in North Korea, you get double value on your trade in.  Now get into the crate, sweetie.”

“Why are you home at every day, staring at your bulging biceps and shaving once a week?” , “The Economy whispered to my boss during a private jerk-off session on a warm summer evening that I should be freed from serfdom the next day.”

It’s like a full moon or something.  I say to hell with that.  Grab The Economy by the balls.

Anyway, my regular news feeds are stocking 1000+ articles about Protests, so in the interest of saving time, I’m skipping to recent and for now I’m just going to throw in a few fun tidbits for you to nibble on:

Ah, GreenPeace are always up for a good protest, and it appears as though  “tourism” is going to be a victim of Climate Change. Hanging banners and all.  One of the worst things that could happen when the planet warms up is that people will not have the desire to go see ANYTHING anymore.

According to this article, the Russians are shouting for work.  To our Russian friends:  In America, people don’t beg for work.  Nobody’s trying to work hard over here.  What people in the United States want is cold hard cash!  That’s capitalism, baby.

The EU appears to be much more Right now.   So, we’ll see how things turn out, but my real theory is that big gust of retardation left the United States when Bush left office and blew right over to European soil.

Speaking of our favorite Ex-prez, I have a mental visual of George W. Bush sitting in a recliner facing the window with a bratwurst and a six pack, watching his haters and his supporters duke it out in his front lawn.

Until next time…

Follow these simple instructions for a long, fulfilling Earth day:

1) Upon waking up, spend adequate time to freshen up for Earth Day festivities.  Brush your teeth extra long, take a nice long, warm shower.  Get good and clean - take the time to reflect and relax about how you’re saving the Earth as you enjoy the peaceful and relaxing warm water.

2) Now that you’re fresh for Earth Day, appreciate the 3rd world by strapping on some Nike’s fresh from the world-class factories of Southeast Asia.  Wear synthetic clothing developed from petrol-chemicals since PETA said hurting animals is a big no-no. Especially on Earth Day.  Trust me, you will feel far less guilty.

3) Only urinate & defecate outdoors.  On plants and trees.  We must fertilize them!

4) Treat yourself to fine Earth Day-ness like fresh life-giving H20.  You should only drink bottled water anyway, but especially on Earth Day.  Buy a 24 pack.  Heck, buy 48 - it’s never too cheap to be green.  Drink as much as you possibly can.  Only the best the planet can produce - only the best that Man can bottle for $1 - $2 a pop.  The more money you spend on your water, the more important it is.

5)  Rid the Earth of the filth you’ve created all year long.  Locate all of the Styrofoam in your household… coolers, Dixie cups, and float trip beer coasters.   Find the other random plastic junk you’ve collected - junk toys from 25 cent machines, Carnival Prizes, pointless Pet accessories, and all those water bottles from earlier.  Build a bonfire and burn them all!

6) A true Earth day celebrator only eats Organic foods from Whole Foods.  Not eating luxury produce from Whole Foods on Earth Day is sort of like not having cake on your birthday, or presents on Christmas.  Be a good Earthling and slap food science right in it’s fat, ugly, selectively-bred lips with a $2 dollar Organic apple and a $10 dollar steak from a pampered cow.

7)  Pay your Global Warming indulgences to Al Gore via Carbon Credits.  He cares about the planet more than anyone else can afford to.  Thanks to carbon dioxide, the fact that you even exist  makes it worse for everyone else on Earth.  So before you go to bed tonight, either consider suicide or buy Carbon Credits.   They also give failing banks a new bullshit asset to trade. So…buy them now.  Or the guilt will plague you forever.

Globalization should be encouraged.  Be sure to buy Chinese products this Earth Day so we can further integrate the world.  Toys, cosmetics, household items, and CFL Light Bulbs should all be purchased from global leading retailers like Wal-Mart.

9) Ah, a nice long Earth Day.  It’s been enjoyable.  Your trash can may be filled from the day’s business, but don’t you dare empty it yet - it’s better to wait until the day AFTER Earth Day to empty your trash.  Your trash-conscious neighbors will think better of you.

Happy Earth Day!