Just a day in the life...

Brandon

2011-04-14T03:39:00.001-04:00

So in a couple of weeks the month of May will roll around again. Man, do I wish we could skip that month every year. It has been almost 5 years since he died. Or 1,788 long days without him. I miss him everyday. I can't help thinking about how things might have been different if he didn't go.

For those of you who don't know the story this is what happened. The school year of 2005-2006 I had just moved back into my mom's house from living with my dad for a year and starting going to a new school. Well it started with a crush on a boy named Thomas. Thomas, a girl named Brittany, Brandon and I had our own little group with some other people. I had the biggest thing for Thomas and Brandon had the biggest thing for Brittany. Brandon and I rode the bus together and would sit together a lot of times, well one day I came up with the greatest idea. I would try and hook Brandon up with Brittany since her and I were really good friends and he would try to hook me up with Thomas. Some how over the next couple of month we fell hard for none other than each other. One day, not long before Christmas he was staying late after school with me while I decorated my biology teacher's door for the holidays and while i was working we were talking and he told me he was writing me a note and I told him just to tell me what he wanted to say and of course he told me that he was not ready to say anything out loud yet. So once i got home i read his note and it basically said the same thing that i was feeling that continuing to try and hook each other up with our friends would be such a horrible decision because in the time we had spent together he was falling for me harder and harder each day. So we were together for a little under 6 months but it was the best 6 months of our lives. We were going to be that couple that got married right after high school, had kids, and died in each others arms. But one miserably horrible day in May he had a fight with his mom's girlfriend and i guess was to stressed over everything and he committed suicide. He crashed his car into a wall that was right next to our high school. So now every May is a little rough for me. I love Matthew to death but sometimes I can't help but wish that it was Brandon I was going to marry in a couple of month, or wish that we were already married. Sometimes I wish I could just ask him why...I have so many unanswered question. Well since telling that story made me cry (which I guess i needed) I am gonna curl up and go to bed. Goodnight everyone. Thank you for reading this if you did and got all the way through it.

Baby Birds and Bridal Breakdowns

2011-04-12T01:50:00.000-04:00

YAY!!!!!!!!!!

My Little Quigley!

So I found out today that I will be able to bring home my baby bird in about 3 weeks. I could technically bring him home in 2 weeks and just keep bringing him in for them to watch his weight but I would rather leave him there and let the experts handle it. His name is Quigley and he is a green cheek conure. It is my first "real" bird. I mean I have had finches before but what can you do with a finch other than look at them...I really want a Macaw but I want to start small. I am so excited to bring him home. I can't wait to get him in his cage and see him play with the toys that i bought for him. I wanna cuddle him and watch him run around our room. I can't wait to let him sit on my shoulder while i update this blog or check my facebook.

On another hand...I picked out my cake topper, the shoes for Matthew and I both, the knife and cake server. A lot of stuff for the wedding is already done. Lets see what do i still have to do...get the outfits for the guys, maybe get a DJ, and a few other things...but here are the major things i have already got done...

I have someone to do my hair and makeup
I have a florist
I have someone to make my cake and my food
I have a place to get married
I have parking for the wedding
An i have great friends who are planning kick ass bachelorette party.

But I can't help think back on all the things I did as a child and miss it a little, I can not wait to marry Matthew. I love him with all my heart and would do everything in my power to keep him healthy and happy forever. But i am scared...well i guess that is not the right word...nervous, maybe even a little bit worried. People at work tell me all the time that getting married was the worst decision they ever made but i mean at one point they thought it was a good idea. I know I would never leave Matthew. I never want to get a divorce, I wanna work at this and have the love that grows stronger every year. I wanna be 60 years old and tell our grandchildren that real love does happen and there lives are not doomed to divorce and unhappiness. So, yea I am nervous. But I am ok with that. This is a new experience for him and I both and there will be problems but I know we can't get through them together. Well it's 1:45 am and I have to get up in a couple of hours to help my grandmother with her computers. So i guess goodbye and sweet dream for now everyone!

Sleep or the lack there of...

2011-04-11T08:19:00.000-04:00

Hello Everyone,

Well I know this is my first post at 8:10 am on Monday, April 11, 2001 and it should be about well anything of importance but instead its gonna be about SLEEP.

No one really realizes how important sleep is until they are not getting any. Now most of you who know me, know that I have really weird sleeping habits. I stay up REAL late, go to bed in the wee hours of morning and then sleep all day. Which for most people is a problem but for me its just another part of my day. I am a creature of the night i suppose you could say. It's not just because I have become used to the night eiter, I love the quite that night brings (when Matthew is not snoring) I love hearing the wind blow outside. I love being able to walk around the house and no one ask me where I am going or what I am doing. I love the fact that other than the cats no one is around to make any noise but me. How everything seems to stop around me. So like I said the sleeping or unusual sleeping habits is not a problem for me. Sleeping during the day, I love that too. OK, so Matt hates it and my mom hates it. But I mean other than going to stores I can get just as much done at night that they can during the day. Plus you figure during the day I feel like I should be doing something or talking to someone. At night I love being alone, but for some strange reason come daytime I hate it. So the longer I sleep during the day the more likely it is that someone will be home when I wake up or that I won't have so long until Matthew gets off work.

On another note, I am fine with just a few hours of sleep and that is a few hours over several hours. I mean falling asleep and waking up every 15 minutes and being up for another 15-30 minutes till I fall back asleep. But I do get down right mean when I can not get some sleep. Matthew for some reason kept tossing and turning last night. Kicking his legs and throwing his arms around, so what do i get...bruises on my legs and a sore arm, a hurt nose in the middle of the night and come 5:45 am Me trying to kick him and push him outta bed. I love him to death but I was just ready for him to be gone so I could try and get some sleep before work today. But here it is 8:21 am and I have still not gotten any sleep. Plus I have to leave for work earlier so I can run to Allstate and pay my car insurance, plus I have to be awake earlier than that so I can get ready for work, plus I have to pack a bag since I am staying at my grandmother's house tonight. Should I even try and get maybe an hours worth of sleep or just be really bitchy the last hour or so of work....a tough decision.

LESSON LEARNED: Invest in a California King size bed