Hiking with Da Boot!

I write this not to garner pity or to complain (as much as it sounds like it), but to just tell you where I’ve been, and it hasn’t been a place where I felt like writing. In July, right before my “dream” running vacation, I broke my foot (stress fracture, right 2^nd metatarsal). What the @$%!!! was God thinking?!?!

Just as I was about to come out of the aircast boot and start running again, I broke my back: ruptured and herniated lumbar discs! I was in so much pain I didn’t even THINK about running, let alone get out of bed. When I think about how this happened, I tend to throw myself into a pit where I tear myself to pieces before any lions ever will. Not that anyone really knows what happened, which is part of the problem. Again, the whole questioning God, angry, etc… I’m so glad God can take it! So, I haven’t been able to run since July and I don’t know when I’ll be able to start. The hard part is now that I’m not longer in pain (but I still have symptoms), and I feel like running, I still can’t. I must WAIT. ugh.

You may be able to imagine just what this has done to/in/for me and I’m still dealing with it. No great wisdom or insight or lessons to share with you – at least not yet – only the mundane struggle of my mortality and not being able to do whatever I want to do! I guess I can say that I’m learning more about who I really am, but there is much more to it than that. If I ever get around to writing the book, I’m sure I’ll have something to share with you by then.

Crewing at the Chiang Mai marathon (22 Dec) where I met a running buddy!

In the meantime, I sought solace from other ultrarunners who have been injured lately. Ellie Greenwood discusses her injury and being “outta control”, a sentiment with which I identify, and she wrote a post about pool running that just about sums it up for me. This video about Anna Frost, her healing and comeback is beautiful and inspiring. I like the part where she says she is also discovering herself – her real self.

I still have to wait. And wait. And get back into the pool day after day…

On the upside, Relentless is going very well and I’ve been very busy! If you have been following (and I sincerely hope that you are, as that is where the action has been) that blog and Facebook page you’ll already know that. I suppose that is another excuse for not posting here more – it is difficult to maintain two blogs and several Facebook pages without some help on that!

Books of 2013 Just because I’ve not been running as much, doesn’t necessarily mean I have more time to read, write, or other stuff. Even so, I’ve managed to eek out a few books this year – this is pretty much all I’ve read this year, so I try to make it quality.

Novel – The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. This is the only novel I read this year, and I didn’t even “read” it – I listened to the audio CD whilst driving around during my Stateside trip.

Non-fiction – The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan and Addiction and Grace by Gerald May. Both are transformative.

Biography – Amazing Grace (William Wilberforce) by Eric Metaxas

Poetry – although not a specific book, I spent a lot of time with Gerard Manley Hopkins this year.

I’m currently in the middle of Centering Prayer by Cynthia Bourgeault and the book gets better the further I delve into it so I can give a not-too-premature recommendation for it.

Let me leave you with this quotation I recently saw on a friend’s wall. I have no idea to whom to give credit, but it is brilliant, and something to ponder well after Christmas has past.

If as Herod we fill our lives with things and again with things.

If we consider ourselves so unimportant that we must fill every moment of our lives with action when will we have time to make the long slow journey across the desert as did the Magi?

Or sit and watch the stars as did the shepherds or brood over the coming of the child as did Mary?

For each one of us there is a desert to travel, a star to discover, and a being within ourselves to bring to life.

Riding my bike home

like when I was ten.

Summer’s eve seeps,

saturates my skin.

Summer’s breeze slips,

whips through my hair.

The air stirs

a playful longing.

I grin.

I’m riding my bike home

like when I was ten.

He was about 5 months old and only 8 lbs when I managed to place him in emergency foster care back in July 2009 (here is my original post and here is another post about him). He has been cared for by the same family these four years. Of course JB’s adoption is bittersweet for them as they have considered him one of their own for so long.

It has been so encouraging to witness his growth and development over the years I lived in China and to continue to follow his amazing progress after I left has been a blessing.  The photo at left is at his going away celebration.

Please do continue to lift up JB as he makes the transition to a new family and a new place as well as for his ongoing health care needs. As you think of JB, however, please remember to lift up all the other abandoned children, many with profound physical and mental disabilities who continue to languish in institutions in China and around the world.

JB with his foster mom of four years

Here is the write up about the 24-Hour run I put on for FUN, as well as a fund-raiser for Relentless. However, no photos are found on THIS page because I’d have to go back through and re-load all the photos again here, which I won’t do in the interest of time and saving consternation. I encourage you to click on over  to the page on Relentless where I’ve posted the full deal. The event was truly special for everyone and we all did have fun! It was a lot of work but so worth it in the end! I’m so grateful for all your thoughts and prayers and for all the help by volunteers here! I’m also very grateful for all the donations that came in for Relentless!

Again, I’d like to encourage all of you who follow this blog to also follow the blog on Relentless, as well as the Facebook page to keep  up with what I’m doing.

Blessed to be a blessing!

On 25 May at 2pm, the first wave of runners started off the line for the Second Annual Relentless Chiang Mai 24 Hour Endurance Run. It was quite an international group, with twelve different nationalities represented among the 42 participants. Even so, ultramarathon culture transcends all others as the main aid station along the looped course became a home away from home – even as the many expatriates already call Thailand a home away from home.

Located near Chiang Mai in Northern Thailand, Huay Tung Tao Lake is encircled by a 3.7 km, nicely paved asphalt loop. The gently rolling road provides just enough diversity to keep the muscles interested, and there is enough shade to keep runners cool for much of the way.

After the swimmers, picnickers and fishermen packed up for the night, the full moon came out so that nobody needed to wear a headlamp. Crickets and frogs joined the chorus. Magical.

Runners had the option of running 6 or 12 hours, and four teens participated in the 3-hour kids’ division! A relay option for teams of up to eight people was offered for the 24-hour time, but nobody took advantage of that – everyone wanted to go hard-core solo!

Another unique feature was that the 3-, 6-, and 12-hour runners had the option of starting at either 2pm, 6pm, or 10pm. Some of the participants wanted to start earlier and get their run in, while others cherished running through the night. This timing also helped to spread out the runners and give the 24-hour people more company through the night.

This event pulled the absolute best from everyone. It was never about “winning” to beat another person – as there were no prizes for 1^st, 2^nd, or 3^rd. It was all about challenging oneself – an opportunity to push further than previously attempted. The top 12-hour finisher had never run further than 55 km before his remarkable 85 km distance! Nearly all of the runners set a personal record, either in the most distance ever covered or the fastest time it took to cover a certain distance. Most set personal records of over 20-30 km.

A timed event, unlike a distance-oriented event, gives participants the opportunity, when they are tired, to take a break. They eat something, drink some coffee, stretch, and re-evaluate. Then they are ready to head back out for more. It was a safe environment in which to push themselves further than they thought possible. It was exciting to be a part of an event in which so many people came away having bettered themselves and achieved something great.

The aid station crew was no less exceptional. Many friends and relatives of runners volunteered their services and helped crew everyone – not just “their guy.” The kids who ran the 3 hours also stayed up most of the night and were the most cheerful and helpful crew ever! Several volunteers (including the kids) took laps with runners they had met only a few hours prior to keep them company and encourage them along the way. This was most helpful during the hot, middle part of the second day when we were all flagging a bit.

Finally, another remarkable note about this event is that it was a fundraiser for Relentless, a project that fights human trafficking through health care. Although this was a small event, approximately $8000 was raised, over $3000 of that by a single participant!

I look forward to hosting this event again next year and I hope that those of you who may be traveling through Southeast Asia looking for an ultramarathon will consider joining us next year!

Have you ever heard the saying, “love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life”? I think it is true. I love what I do, but sometimes I love it too much. Jesus said that his food is to do God’s will (John 4:34). However, I was not feasting on the proper things. My diet had become unwholesome and unsatisfying and I so was prone to overeating – workaholism. I was seeking satisfaction from my work and not from the Father.

Classic addiction. Classic slavery.

I consider myself pretty well disciplined, but that discipline can get derailed and unbalanced. It takes energy to work on your inner life, but I was too tired to listen, or obey. “Drivenness erodes purposefulness.” (Buchanan)

Last month I had an unexpected opportunity to jump start the process of getting well over a long weekend on the beach. To hell with the budget – I needed to do this. God was giving me more space to get well and I recognized it. I played and read and wrote in my journal… and spent a lot of time just staring at the sea – just what the Great Physician ordered.

I have been “religiously” taking a Sabbath since residency. It felt good to be given permission to take time off – I loved and I rested in this command. But over the years I’ve been living it rather one-sided. Regarding my Sabbath, I try to ask, “what will nourish me today?” What do I need to be whole?

What I’ve recently discovered is that there are two parts to Sabbath: one part spent for re-creation/leisure, and the other part for growing deeper. I barely had energy for the former, and was largely neglecting the latter.

There is nothing wrong with brain candy movies or softball, or whatever other kinds of play you fancy on the Sabbath. Play is definitely part of “delighting in the Lord”. But that was all I had energy for. I wasn’t fed well enough through the week, and by the time my day off came around, I had no energy for deeper reading or reflection or for growing. My inner life had grown stagnant – stunted growth on poor nutrition of an unwholesome diet.

I’m learning a new rhythm of Sabbath now. Buchanan says that “Sabbath helps reorient us to our work.” And so I’m learning to re-orient my week towards letting God establish the work of my hands and getting more out of the “Lord’s Day” rather than orienting my week around my work and the Sabbath around “my day”.

How have you been been challenged to get well? How have you responded? Has it been difficult?

Mark Buchanan. The Rest of God – Restoring Your Soul by Restoring Sabbath.  Thomas Nelson Publishers. 2006. ISBN: 978-0-8499-1870-4

I meet young men and women who are prostituted – some of whom are paying off debt, some are paying for school, some are drowning in self-worthlessness and living a lie that they’ve been told their entire lives. As I encounter them offering health, it’s also an opportunity for freedom.

It is well known that some who have been rescued, run away back to their abuser, their pimp, their trafficker. Why do some who have tasted freedom return to bondage?

The Israelites, an entire nation of people, after having been rescued from slavery, wanted to go back to Egypt!

It’s as if some people don’t even realize they are in bondage.

Well, what about you? To what things or ideas are you in bondage and don’t even realize it?

Mark Buchanan in his book The Rest of God discusses the guy who has been sitting by the pool of Bethesda (John 5) for 38 years if he wants to get well? I’ve always thought that was a strange question to ask a guy like that. But I understand it better now after walking with people (including myself) that clearly sometimes do not want to be well.

Do you want to be well? Do you want to be made whole?

I do, but then sometimes I don’t. Haven’t you ever wondered sometimes if your life would actually be easier if you weren’t trying to follow Jesus? I have! I mean, c’mon! I should have taken the RED pill! It’s hard! God never lets up! Of course life with Jesus does have its sweet parts, but then it’s still a lot of work, and I’m good at giving myself guilt-trips, which just sink me deeper.

Buchanan writes, “Setting free isn’t work.” We all know that Jesus wasn’t really breaking the Sabbath when he healed people on the holy day. “But being set free can be.”

It’s a vicious cycle, even hard-wired to some extent as an addiction, as Gerald May in his book Addiction and Grace would say. It is confounding, that some people would not want to be well and whole, but I have to look no further than myself. I have an addiction to feed – an addiction to work. I’ve got do it, make it, know it, write it… It’s up to me. I don’t know another way… rather, I don’t trust another way. I don’t trust another. I don’t trust God. I lean too much on my own understanding and what is known to me seems to be safer, even if it really is not. I play with the dark side. I’m enslaved in my own mind, in my heart. Damn Pride!

Breaking free of slavery, whether it is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual is a long process. You’ve experienced it. You’ve walked people through it. We may not be caught up in debt bondage or pimped out by my trafficker or trapped in a foreign country as a domestic service worker, but I’m still prone to enslavement.

Please, PLEASE do not take this as a belittlement of people’s absolutely unimaginable horrific situations. I’m not comparing situations here. However, as I meet people who do seem to have some sort of choice to make steps towards freedom and wholeness, yet still turn away, I’m confronted by these questions of human nature. I want to continue to break down the barriers between US and THEM. We are all broken images of our creator – it is not a matter of grading of circumstance.

There is much much more to discuss regarding Sabbath rest, addiction, grace, and slavery. Books and books, in fact. Here, I just want to present some questions and ideas to you and I hope you find them as challenging has I have.

I’m not yet finished with Buchanan’s book but I highly recommend it! Although I’ve practiced taking a weekly Sabbath for at least 15 years, I’m discovering more about the attitude of Sabbath rest is something that I’ve not fully understood. Perhaps more about Sabbath in another post…

Addiction and Grace is another excellent book. Book club material.

It’s hard to believe that we’re well into March already! February was a very full but fabulous month as it was the every-two-year Continuing Medical Education (CME) meeting for health professionals working in cross-cultural health settings across Asia.

The conference is designed for North American (because we tend to have stricter requirements) health professionals who need valuable CME to maintain their practice license. It is of course a full schedule of medical lectures (all optional), but it is much more than straight medical lectures. Workshops in reading ECGs, “ultrasound for dummies”, and use of other techniques and modalities to help those of us working in areas where there is no other specialty consult service (such as when I was working at Kwai River Christian Hospital). The faculty who come take their own time and spend their own money to come and teach us. THANK YOU!

However, it is even MORE than a medical conference! Every two years I get to spend a couple of weeks with friends from all over the world learning, worshiping, crying, laughing, and enjoying each other. These people are truly my peers and it is so refreshing to come together again. Many of us will drag ourselves in haggard and weary – barely hanging on until we can get to Chiang Mai (location of the meeting since 2001). The week is tiring enough, but it is a break from our normal schedules and routines. Although I left quite exhausted – having maxed out my capacity for people interaction several times over – I was also thoroughly refreshed.

Therefore, I want to encourage all of you who support cross-cultural medical workers to support them financially to attend meetings such as this one. It is important professionally, of course. But I know it is also a lifeline for many of us and it is a component of “member care” that enables us to go back and keep going in our work abroad. It is a break for health care professionals AND their families (many are 2-profession families). Another thing to consider in support of your worker is to come and serve as a child care worker at similar conferences. Not a “glamorous” short term mission, but an absolutely essential one! If you are a member of CMDA (Christian Medical Dental Association), consider contributing towards this very valuable medical missions endeavor – your sponsorship helps keep the costs down for us.

BIRTHDAY!

My birthday was last week and of course I had to celebrate with a special run! The marathon distance is basically 42km (26.2 miles) and so I had a birthday marathon to celebrate 42 years! Three running buddies showed up for coffee before heading out at the 6am start time. Two ran the first 10km loop, but then had to get off to work. The third gutted it out to the last. He is fit, but I had the special birthday adrenaline and just could not slow down… until he asked if we could walk. <WALK!?!> To his credit, we actually went 44.6km because I found a new trail and didn’t want to turn back so soon. The only thing pulling me back was that I had another (non-running) friend coming to my house to make pancakes for my post-run treat! Besides, I had to be back, cleaned up and fed before my scheduled massage! That evening I spent with another couple of friends at my favorite live music hangout place.

LENT

It is just a few weeks until Easter. I don’t know what traditions you follow for the Lenten season – I actually never really heard of Lent, or thought it was something for me until I was older – but I like to read one of two books to be mindful of the season. This year it is Henri Nouwen’s “Show Me The Way” that takes one through every day of Lent. Nouwen has always been a sort of pastor to me. I know that you will also be enriched from his writing as well. What kinds of practices do you follow for the season, if any?

POWER UP!

I didn’t go into this race with the goal to win, although defending my title would be cool. I simply had a goal to finish in 10 hours, and if that was good enough for a podium finish, then even better! The field of female 100k participants increased four-fold this year, with quite a few more foreigners signed up, so I had no idea how good my competition may be.

This year the race was held outside of Khao Yai national park and the course was much more interesting. with more variety of trails, fire road, and paved roads. With some several hundred meters of elevation gain, it was not rigorous by ultra standards, but still difficult by Thai standards. Even so, the conditions proved difficult enough. The day was mostly overcast with temperatures only in the mid-80’s (F), but the humidity was still around 80%. Although balmy for Thailand, this still plays a factor in performance and strategy.

final aid station – about 10k to go!

The male champion finished in 9:47. My time was a very respectable 11:07, beating the 2^nd place woman by 1:02 and good enough for 5^th overall. The win and the time are also quite good considering I got lost twice and actually ran 103km (64mi)! The first time was early on when the lead pack got turned around in the dark – the course was not marked well! The second time occurred when I was running by myself on the second loop. My head was down, concentrating on the trail and I didn’t see the sign to turn right. I only saw the race ribbons marking the trail going left, but these were for the 10km race. Since all the ribbons were the same color, I didn’t realize my mistake until I found myself on my way back to the finish line!

This, however, became a source of consternation as the marshals, who do not take bib numbers but guide racers at certain points (of course not the point of my wrong turn), thought I cut the course. Of course I did not and had proof I did not, but at the time they didn’t know that and was followed by guys on motorbikes for several miles before the race director got them off my back. A-ya.

At this point, I started sliding into the dark side. I was not only NOT going to make my time goal, but I could lose my first place standing. Combined with some nutrition issues due to drop bag malfunction; I thought I might just walk the final 25 miles. The “dark place” is something that ultra runners recognize and takes experience to be able to climb out of. It wasn’t until I took some more food, and was encouraged by a couple of guys I’d been running with through the day that I came through it and even burned brighter until the finish.

The finish line had a paparazzi feel as I was surrounded with photographers! It felt great to finish, even better to win, but had not expected to be found in the celebrity limelight! I had flashbacks to Unbreakable, and thought, this must be what it feels like to be Geoff Roes winning Western States (not that I’m even close to his ability). After I had had enough, I walked over the grass where I pressed sponge after sponge on my head and neck as I sat talking with my friends – I really wanted to hear about their own race experiences that day (they ran 50k). It is truly wonderful to finish a race and have friends greet you at the end!

Thanks to all my friends for their support in my training and racing! Whether we run together in body or in spirit, I’m often thinking of you when I’m running!

This is the first race that I have ever done twice. Will I repeat a 3^rd time? Not sure… It’s a good race, but not THAT great. So many races and places and so little time! My confidence and ability is growing and there are other projects around Asia that I’d like to explore.

Lessons learned:

• Avoid drop bag malfunction – put plenty of food in each bag. The map of the course was confusing in that checkpoints weren’t labeled. I took the lady organizing the drop bags word thatyes, I’d be passing through check point #3 four times during the race, so I packed extra food in that one.  Nope, it was actually #1. Oops.
• Aid stations at this race had only water, a Gatorade-like beverage, bananas, and watermelon (typical for Thailand). Therefore, to properly fuel for a competitive 100k race, having what you need in a drop bag is essential.
• When the race is held in rural Thailand, don’t assume the resort at which the race is to be held will have any decent food to eat the night before. Needless to say, I didn’t start off with the pre-race fueling that I prefer!  
• Don’t skimp on “time on feet”, strength exercises, or core training if you really want optimal performance.

ice cold sponges!

post-race massage: hurt so good!

For those of you interested, my prizes for winnings included: 50,000 Thai Baht in vouchers to spend at The North Face Thailand store; Petzl aluminum compact trekking poles; Sigg bottle with special Thai design; a finisher’s medal and a ridiculously large trophy.

S.T. died last month. Oof. No! He was found in a public shower. Nobody knows exactly how he died, but I suspect he had suffered a seizure and perhaps hit his head or something. There was no autopsy – not for people like him

The last time I saw him he was working at a night-time street-side noodle stand fixing pad thai and smiling. He was almost always smiling, but that night he looked better than ever.

God bless you! God loves you! He was fond of saying that and told everyone so.

Although his general condition and well-being had improved, he still struggled with breakthrough seizures. Taking two kinds of medicine thrice daily is a challenge even for us in well-fed, well-sheltered, and well-regulated lifestyle.

I met him at U.L., the outreach center for street boys. He had started coming regularly for the free lunch and would hang out the rest of the afternoon. U.L. helped him get a job – it took a couple of tries before they found something he could stick with.

He was essentially an orphan. Beaten by his father, sent away by his mother, he went to live in a children’s home for a while. When he could no longer endure the abuse in the home he ran away and made his life on the street. After a while, options run out for homeless boys and they are easy prey for pimps and pedophiles.

God bless you! God loves you!

I’m not exactly sure about his faith story, but he told me is grandmother was a Christian and she prayed for him. He must have clung to that hope in Love in his dark times. He didn’t really talk about it. I believe it is one of the things that kept him alive. He was so sweet – truly a boy who craved love and acceptance, but not in an obnoxious or demanding way.

It may seem to you that God let S.T. down in the end, allowing him to die when things started looking up for him. We are not to be sorry or feel guilty. We are to celebrate his life. A life blessed by God’s presence. His life didn’t seem blessed as we tend to understand blessing, but we do not have the understanding of God or the way his blessing works.

I’m sad. I don’t understand. But I’m OK with not understanding. Remembering S.T. motivates me to do more, to make the most of each opportunity, be more present to the person before me.