Just an ordinary woman

My dreams are bigger than my city

2012-01-20T08:22:00.000-08:00

This is what the lead actress Priyanka Chopra said in an Indian movie Fashion, when she was moving from a small town to the big bad city of Mumbai. Earlier it used to be only the men who went to bigger towns but today millions of Indian women travel from small villages to big cities chasing their dream. It is no longer an era of only ‘Raju ban gaya gentleman’, even the Rani today aspires for a transformation and moving to a bigger city gives her that chance. In my earlier job, I worked for a mass market skin lightening brand targeted to today’s Indian women. So I got a chance to meet many of these women who had the determination to take charge of their own destiny. One who particularly stands out is this young girl Pooja, who came from a small village to Hyderabad to learn graphic designing and in the evening’s she worked in a call center to earn a survival. She was the first girl in her family to have gone out of her small town all by herself, so she faced a lot of opposition initially. But she didn’t let that stop her. Her dream was to open an advertising agency. She didn’t know what it takes and how will she open an agency but was confident that she will find the ‘how’ along the way. Pooja represents the spirit & the zest of Indian women today.

Upward mobility in India has been written and discussed many times but what does it really mean for women. Surely times have changed but even today when a woman leaves home to step into this world to prove something, it isn’t easy. This is probably her only chance to make it happen, the only opportunity to change her life story. Therefore her stakes are higher and the growing competition only worsens the situation because the reality is she is not the only one. Today there are many more who have also come with a similar hope to the same place where she is today. But this doesn’t stop her. She looks upto ‘Ashwariya Rai, Kalpana Chawla, Indra Nooyi, Bipasha Basu, Barkha Dutt, all those women who came from ordinary families and backgrounds but made their dreams into reality and her dream into a possibility. Big cities are much tougher than shown in Indian television or movies. Here transportation, accommodation, jobs, expenses everything is a battleground so she falls & breaks apart multiple times, many get lost in the crowd but then there are some who rise up, who become successful and become the inspiration for another million to leave their small towns.

This is why Rani Mukherjee in the movie ‘Bunty aur bably’ was even ready to be a thief just so that she can get funds enough to reach Mumbai where she could fulfill her dreams to participate in Miss India contest. And in the movie Fashion, she compromises on her value system to be a super model. These are of course exaggerated situations but still an honest reflection of the insecurities and fear these women face. Loosing isn’t a real option as they believe they belong not where they come from but where want to reach. So she will settle only if it promises to be step up. Brands like Fair & Lovely, are simple means & aid that promise to give her the beauty edge and boost her confidence. Thousands of girls participate in Indian Idol every year as it gives them a platform to transcend their life from being just talented to being an ‘Idol’. These are the women who will bridge the gap between the two India’s.

The girl in the bar

2011-10-21T04:47:00.000-07:00

I have grown up watching a lot of Hollywood movies. One scene that is quite common in multiple movies is this girl coming alone, in her little black dress, to a bar and ordering a drink. More often than not she orders for either vodka-tonic on gin-tonic. And here comes this hot looking young dude hitting on her. Now that is my fantasy to be this girl in the bar. I have never been to a bar alone. I have always had friends or boy friend or husband some one always with me. So I wonder sometimes how it feels to wear that black sexy dress and sit on that bar stool and be hit by a hot looking stranger. Now whether I accept that strangers offer or not would depend on multiple things but that’s not the point. This isn’t one of those unattainable fantasies, it is quite doable. I just need to find the right night for it, hopefully soon. Now to some this may seem like it’s only loosers who do this or want to be alone but to me it’s fascinating because sometimes all you need is to look good, get drunk and talk silly and that’s best when it’s a stranger not judging you.
It’s interesting how some of the images that we watch multiple times become our real life fantasies.

The Morning bus ride

2011-10-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

For last ten months in Singapore, I have been taking Bus no. 51 to office. But it’s only recently I realized that I really enjoy this 20 mins of my morning bus ride. It is actually one of the best times of my day. I like sitting on the upper deck of the bus. It’s has more sunlight so it feels closer to the nature and is lesser busy than the lower deck where you are always distracted by the people getting in and out of the door. The ones that are there in the bus are busy with a gadget either playing a game or chatting on the phone or an ipad, so in the lower deck you only end up looking at these people. But I love the window seat on the upper deck. It makes me feel as if I have risen above the materialistic world. I feel as if I can now see the larger picture of life. From the window I see all people rushing to office and somehow I feel I am not among them though actually even I am one of them. I feel like I can now see the larger meaning of life which they cannot. It’s the time when I feel most relaxed and some best thoughts and ideas come to me during this time. I am able to see beyond the visible from here. Also it has a weird balanced comfort level, where you are amongst the strangers but still since you travel every day it’s a familiar place. So I like the fact that no one knows me and I don’t need to know anyone. It’s amazing what simple things can make you feel or the positive impact that it can have on you and you don’t even realize it. So tell me who says bus travel is slow and boring, to me it’s MY time.

You are beautiful!

2011-10-01T03:31:00.000-07:00

I was at my son Neev’s school. A little American girl came to me and said ‘Neev’s mama you are beautiful’. I couldn’t stop my smile. I hugged her and said ‘Not as much as you’. All I know is suddenly I felt beautiful. A lot of people compliment us –friends, family, husbands, boy friends and colleagues, all the people who we know and matter. We get compliments at different places -parties, office, date, places and events which matter, where we have high stakes. But still some of the best compliments are the ones that you least expected or they are from someone your least expected. It is a special feeling when someone, mostly a stranger who has no selfish interest in making you happy, gives you a compliment. It simply feels genuine and honest. Many years back I got a similar compliment when I was doing a consumer group. As part of my job then, I had to meet consumers, young women and discuss with them about their idea of beauty. A woman then told me that ‘I want to be beautiful like you’. This again was this unexpected compliment that made me happy. It’s really not about whether you are beautiful or not it’s about what makes you feel beautiful and these are the moments that made me feel beautiful.

My second first beer!

2010-06-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

My husband was traveling and I was feeling extremely low and lonely. No this is not about why I was low, that’s for another time. This is about something else, a first time experience of something by chance on a lonely weekend.
I was sunk into my laptop all day and the only time I emerged out, was for kiddy talks with my son, kiddy stories and even more kiddier games. Basically I was tired and bored. I hadn’t stepped out of home.
So when my son slept for his Sunday afternoon nap and I was about to have lunch, I opened the refrigerator for a Diet Pepsi. It was a hot Mumbai summer afternoon, something chilly would definitely do good to me. There was no Pepsi in the refrigerator and while I was shutting the door, in between the gap of the refrigerator and its door, I saw an inviting can of beer. Something inside me said why not!
I know you must be wondering what’s the big deal in having a beer. Well you are right; there is no big deal in having a beer. I had my first beer when I just passed class 10, many, many years back. That was my first sip of alcohol back then, so it was a big deal then, not now. Interestingly, it was kind of a big deal even now because this time was the first time I was having it alone.
I always associated beer with fun and friends, something chilled to chill around. So while I was opening the can of the beer, it reminded me even more of the fact that there is no one to have this beer with. I had the first sip of beer and here is when the story began twisting. The first sip of a chilled beer is so gratifying that nothing else matters. One can really feel it pass down from your lips, to the throat, to your entire body system. And as it passed down, it magically took away every bit of grumpiness from every bit of me. I enjoyed it all by myself and I felt happy. I loved the fact that I am loving it alone. I loved the fact that I didn’t need anybody or anything else to feel happy. I loved the fact that sometimes happiness is just a refrigerator away. Try it!

Neev’s first day at school or was it mine???

2009-07-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

The day before School:
Neev started his playgroup this June. I haven’t felt so nervous since a very long time as I felt the Sunday before his school. I went through the Parent instruction sheet multiple time to ensure I haven’t missed anything, checked his school bag three times. I counseled Neev since about a week before, about how exciting school would be- the toys, kids, games etc, just so that he has no first day fevers. I planned the day such that we are off to bed by nine (2 hours earlier than our otherwise bed time) and if you are a mother you would know this also needs pre-planning- early dinner, earlier afternoon nap, earlier morning etc. I had to keep reminding myself it’s not a school, it’s a playgroup and by mere definition it means, it’s a place where you come to play as a group but this didn’t reduce any anxiety. I was nervous as this was a new place for Neev, not just that this would be the first time, first place, where Neev would be alone without any one of us. Also what if he doesn’t like the school, he cries, other kids hit him etc etc.
On the school day:
We were the first ones to reach school, about ten mins earlier than we should have. Slowly kids started coming in and to my surprise the environment started getting more and more festive. I realized they were many more slightly nervous, slightly excited parents like me with their first child going for first day at school. There were dads and moms with cameras, pictures, new school bags, water bottles, etc.
First three days of school, mothers were allowed to sit in so I went and sat in the class room which was one empty room with colorful floor mat and lots of toys. With a microscopic eye, I scanned every corner where my son would now spend 2 hours of 5 days in a week. All kids sat together, sang a prayer, played with toys, sang rhymes, it was so much fun. It almost felt like I was back to school, only this time I remember my first day. As time progressed Neev got comfortable and I was getting a bit relaxed too. Just then appears this boy who tries to snatch a toy from Neev’s hand and Neev in no time hits him back. Now this is something I surely wasn’t prepared for. Happy, playful environment turns into howls of this other boy. I took few minutes to register what just happened and to figure out how I should react. I scolded Neev and asked him to apologize to the other boy. And thankfully that day Neev listens to me and actually says ‘sorry’. And I promptly smile as if I just got a ‘good parent’ award. But with this came home a worry that was this a sign that will Neev grow up to be will be a violent kid, who will hit other children in school. But here I would like to go with my husband’s theory that there are two kinds of kids, one who hit others and others who get hit, at least our son is not the one who gets hit. But reassuringly no hitting happened next day or even the days after and Neev is having a blast in his ‘play group’.

A syambar…isn’t that an interesting concept

2009-07-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

These days I have been watching this reality show – Rakhi ka syambar. A syambar was a ritual mentioned in our epics where many princes went to the court of princess, where she used to choose the prince she would like to marry. Leave alone the content and review of the show but what got me fascinated is the modern interpretation of syambar in this show. Isn’t it interesting that many guys come try and impress you just so that you choose one of them to get married. I think even I would like a syambar but without the marriage in the end. I would just like to date all of them, give them tasks and then keep eliminating till I am down to just 3 or 4 left and that’s about it.
Actually who wouldn’t want this. We all know by now that Mr. right is just an idea in our mind and not a reality. No guy is actually perfect or the Prince charming as we have imagined. Each guy that we got attracted to in our lives has a glimpse or two of our Mr. Right but also lacked an aspect or two. So this syambar gives a chance of enjoying all aspects of our ‘prince charming’ but not through one but multiple guys. Now of course that happens in real life too but not at the same time. If one guy has some great qualities, a couple dates later, the not so great ones start surfacing. Yes, the winner in this idea is to get to experience all the things that we desire in our man through many men but at the same time as if it's one. I know this sounds a little whacko but think about it: a laughter riot lunch with this guy with most amazing sense of humor, a run in the eve with this sporty hunk and a candle light dinner, violins in the background, my little back dress and the most romantic guy. Now if one guy can’t have all of this- humor, sporty and romantic but I still desire all of this in the same day then why not all three. Now lets accept it, this does sound fun but of course minus the marriage.
Before I seem more and more weird, I think I should stop my imaginations here and stop watching too many reality shows.

Whether you find this silly or fun, do leave a comment, i will be happy to read.

Unfulfilled Love

2009-04-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that the most fulfilling love is the one that is unfulfilled. I know it sounds weird in beginning but it’s true. I also took long to realize this little truth about love, as in really long, almost one entire age for love. The feeling of longing for your love is a lot more intense than the phase after you think you have got your love. When I look back, the most precious moments of my love with my husband are actually the ones before we got married when he chased me or the phase when he fought the hardships of convincing my parents for our marriage. May be this is the reason why most famous love stories don’t have happy endings, may be this unfulfilled love of theirs is what makes their story so immortal.
I also sometimes think that every person has at least one unfulfilled love hidden somewhere in their heart. This is what keeps their belief in love going. It is this longing which makes life painful and yet satisfying. The thought of it, may not come everyday but surely in those moments of solitude when only you can hear yourself or in those when you are so happy that even in spite of sharing it with all your near and dear ones, you still feel the joy a little incomplete or when you are so sad that you wish you had only that one person around, even if its only just for a brief moment.
This unfulfilled love doesn’t mean that all the other fulfilled love that you have lived or are your life today are not true. They are all true, in fact more real than the unfulfilled one which probably is just an imagination, fantasy or a search of not a person but of a feeling, a passionate love that you thought how it should be. You sometimes see it come to you or at least experience a glimpse of it but because it’s so beautiful that you are scared that if you get too close to it or if you let it touch you for long, the reality of your life might get disturbed. The reality which you believe will write your future therefore which cannot be negotiated at any cost.
I wish life wasn’t as complicated as this little piece of my writing sounds but unfortunately life is complicated. But I am glad that I realize this complication. I realize that some things are most fulfilling when they are unfulfilled and I don’t want to loose this one fulfillment.

If my thoughts trigger a thought of your own, do write a comment, I will be happy to read.

Now I know what “Naughty” means

2009-04-05T12:51:00.001-07:00

My 21 month old Neev is getting naughtier by the day. I always saw other naughty kids and thought their moms never disciplined them which is why they behave like this, my son will never behave like this, and he will be a productive child and not a destructive one. This was only till few days back. Neev is growing up to break my every plan of rules and regulation in my bringing up. Let me just cut the chase and come directly to the first two big mischiefs of Neev. Big only because they caused a damage to my already shrinking pocket.
About 15 days back, Neev threw his water bottle down the window from the 5th floor to hit to a windshield glass of my neighbors Innova car. This boy who otherwise refuses to bowl and always wants to bat suddenly felt like a bowler that moment. Damage= Rs.11000
Just last week Neev decided to swing on my washing machine door and broke it. I thought he spends enough time in the garden swinging on the rides but it probably wasn’t enough. Damage = Rs. 300 + a week of unwashed clothes
I fear to think what could be coming up next. I now take all possible precautions to ensure there is no more damage but my son doesn’t have to take much effort to surprise me these days. He is not even two but talks like a four year old. Every evening I come back from work to see some new words and concepts he has already learnt in a day. But this is fine and I actually feel happy to see him as an early learner but what I surely am not comfortable with is this restless, hyper active kid breaking things.

If my thoughts trigger a thought of your own, do write a comment, I will be happy to read.

Baywatch...well almost!

2009-03-14T02:15:00.000-07:00

Met this friend of mine last evening. We spent a lot of time remembering this really wild gang holiday we had together, about 3 years back. So thought of capturing these fun moments of my life in this space. Here it is...June 06...

Seven friends who barely know each other on a racing speed boat in middle of fresh greenish blue sea water, hit this inviting island Kosamet. Now doesn’t this seem like Baywatch? Gorgeous Beach, smooth sand, hard rocks, chilled beer, all-night clubbing, hot women, Greek-god like men- well at least one of them truly was, this place had it all. Needless to say this gang didn’t miss any opportunity to make this outbound, one of the bests of their lifetime:
From careful, step by step rock-climbing, opening arms to this most beautiful sight of sea & sun to this high-speed, thrilling Jet-ski, adventure of every kind was adventured. But there always is a twist in stories where Nikhil is present and the one this time is that Nikhil could barely start and move his Jet-ski while Nivi was racing like a born racer and our drama-queen Dipashree came back half way with big-tears. By the way Dipashree was sitting behind Gaurav and why she cried, I leave it to the readers imagination.
If the mornings were about adventure, then the nights as perfect compliment, started with Gaurav’s endless dinner appetite for more & more food served with Aseem’s always successful attempts of making everyone disclose their most embarrassing sexual encounters. This followed by annoying Soccer world cup matches, annoying to the girls at least and then drinks & dance. While everyone else was grooving on the dance floor, Nikhil of course amazes himself with his ‘now so popular’ nipples getting squeezed by a stranger. If this wasn’t amusing enough for the night, impressed by his charming dance, we have a hot chic giving a lip-lock to Ishan and Gaurav keeps his track record going, by getting hit by a gay guy yet again- What a guy!
But the most sensational part is yet to happen and what can be more sensational than watching some really hot girls skinny dipping and the icing on the cake is, that inspired by the sizzle of the girls and countless tequila shots, the guys throw away, even their bare essentials and run naked on the beach. Wow now that is truly wild!
Like all good things, even this trip ended but began this ever lasting friendship between drama-queen Dida, Waggy Gaurav, Sardar Nivinder Mohan Singh, the corn man Ishan, Ekta-wills & the master himself-Nikhil.

Moments of guilt

2009-01-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

Two 'out of routine' things happened with me in last few days. First was about ten days back when I was getting ready in the morning for work, is when my nineteen month old son, for the first time in last one year, that’s since when I have started working post my maternity break, says “Mama office mat jao, mama dadi-house nahin jana” which means “Mama don’t go to office, I don’t want to go to grand-ma’s house”. This paused everything living or non-living in this world for me, for a split second. This is something I was dreading ever since I started working but it had to happen one day. Till now my son never realized or understood this daily parting. My in-laws did a fairly good job in keeping him entertained through the day, such that he never really missed me. But this day, made me realize in no time that my son now understands and hence desires and demands for me to be with him, more than I do.
As if this wasn’t enough to disturb something inside me, day before yesterday I get a call from home saying that my son has hurt him self. I had to rush home, take him to a surgeon for stitches. Till date i thought vaccination was dreadful, anxiety always took over whenever I had to take my son for that horrible but important task. The thought of that evil needle poking the tender skin of my son always made me nervous. But the courage required to hear your child cry in pain for ten long minutes, while the doctor does whatever he has to, to stitch that bruised skin, was all together another level of bravery. I felt so helpless.
Both these instances made me feel guilty, may be more momentarily but also as a constant thought within me always -the guilt for being a working mom. I know even if I were home, I couldn’t have saved him from falling or getting hurt, it had nothing to do with my working. But still every time any such thing happens, it just shakes me up, making me doubt about the decisions and ambitions of my life. Life is about give and take. I just hope that me being a working mom, gives both of us- my son and me, much more than it will take from us. Actually some where I know it will make both of us better people and will help us to grow to be what we want to be but even then, this seed of doubt always crawls in.
However when I came to office the next day after my son got hurt, one of my friend checked about how my son is doing and casually said that “hey so he has now become a boy, every boy gets stitches and there is more to come”. What got left behind with me was ‘There is more to come’, more of both of the above two incidents of last few days will now come my way more often and I have to be prepared. With this preparation, I elevated to this second stage of my motherhood.

If my thoughts trigger a thought of you own, do post a comment. I would love to read.

As a Mumbai-kar

2008-12-11T03:30:00.000-08:00

I have lived in Mumbai since I was six, so this means I have the roots and foundation inculcated by the city Bombay (when I was six) and now Mumbai. But what are these roots, what is it that a kid grown and living in this city has seen and feels today.
Being in Mumbai, I have seen and experienced a lot of things that could have potentially made the city instable but didn’t. I was in 10th class when the Bombay blasts happen, my board exams were going on, which then got postponed because of this terror. All students that year took the first crucial exams that will decide their future career option, in the backdrop of multiple blasts, riots, killings in the city. But life went on…stronger than ever.
Then there was multiple rain floods…the worst of it being the 26/7, where I spent the night in office, my mom spent the night walking home, many lost their lives, many homes drowned, many lost their cars, wealth…the damage is indefinable….but life went on…with the spirit of the city winning over any calamity. Then the multiple train blasts, where again, life kicked-off again the very next morning, to make a living. That was Mumbai, which was made of a soul, which knew to combat all hardships, be it political, infrastructure that sucks, terror attacks or natural calamity.
But then happened the recent Mumbai terror attacks that were beyond any spirit, which shook the very soul of every human in this city. This was the first incident that touched me in a way nothing ever did before this. It in fact took me 2 weeks to gather my lost thoughts, to get me writing on this. It’s not about the number of causalities in a single incident, that the city has seen before, it’s the fear that we lived for about 60 hours. It’s the announcement that no one is safe, not even the classes who wine and dine in places like ‘Taj’. I may sound discriminating but the hard truth is all the events prior to this essentially, mostly impacted the innocent masses and probably not the privileged ones like us. This is the first time that something impacted the riches of the city and making us realize how the previous events must have impacted the average, innocent people of the city. Yet the city progressed because it’s the average Mumbai-Kars need to keep going on, not for any spirit of the city, but more for survival.
Almost everyday we heard the painful stories of life and death, the number of stories kept diminishing by the day, but the pain and fear is taking its toll. There are some people who I personally know who lost their lives, leaving me believe in uncertainty of life. A innocent question by my friend’s five year old daughter, in a school gathering to mourn death of fathers of their 7 students: “Mama is it Christmas preparation”, left my friend speechless, that was one question she was and will never be prepared to answer.
There are some more who I know, who skipped death by couple minutes and even seconds, a friend who got saved by nature’s call, who went to the loo in Leopold café while the firing destroyed the same very table, where he was enjoying his beer. This was nothing but sheer luck.
Then there are many more including me, who could have been where ‘the end’ was but weren’t there and are living today. Yes, living but with something dead within us, something that feels so uncomfortable, a thought that makes even our smile seem so gloomy, something within that feels so hollow. The candle light march looked as beautiful as a tragedy can get. The candle flames were the perfect union of grief and anger but the hope is that it will not end all here. We thank god today to have survived but the only meaningful way to thank god is to do something in our own way to stop this horror, to make a silent, little difference to the sufferers. We need to be the change, we want to see’.
Nothing on this subject can end without a tribute to the warriors who fought this reality show which we wish never happened. If this was the worst of human mind, then we also the best of human nature in form the commandos, army and the police who saved hundreds of life at the cost of their own. They are the ones who kept our faith in man kind going.

Changing point of views

2008-09-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

In last few months, some very interesting things happened with some of the people around me.

1. A good friend of mine about a year back strongly thought that she would never have baby. I remember one afternoon, her words were –“having a baby is just not my scene. I am too selfish to look beyond me and care for someone else in a way that a mother has to. If I ever felt the need in life, I will adopt a baby at 40 etc etc etc”. This same very woman is today not just happily pregnant; but she is actually enjoying every bit of it.

2. Another friend of mine who always looked down upon other women who had extra-marital affairs or flings, she could give lectures on how unethical this is and how important loyalty is for her, is now falling for another guy. (I know this scoop sounds interesting but this post is not about that. More on this may be in some other post in future). The big thing is that she is no longer judgmental about other women.

3. My sister who just 6 months back before her marriage, used to never spend time with my mom, never really value her much, now post she has got married and moved away, gives me lectures about how important it is to give time to parents. She talks for hours with mom from London, another city, another country, more than she ever did when she was in the same city, same house as my mom.

4. This guy friend of mine who thought women get boring and uninteresting when they become a mom, now teases me as “yummy mummy”

All the above four are unrelated but there is still one common thing between all of them which is the changing point of views. It’s interesting how people with time, stages and circumstances change their point of views, sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. Actually there isn’t anything good-bad, or right-wrong about it, as it’s just one persons point of view. This got me thinking that however strong or rigid a person’s view may seem at a particular point in time, the reality is that, it is the view or the truth of just that point in time and not forever. How true is the famous quote that –change is the only constant in this world.

First Picture

2008-09-28T03:24:00.000-07:00

Feb 2007
This is when I had gone for my first 4-D sonography. These are the thoughts that had come to my mind then, when I saw my baby’s first pic, this is what I had captured in Feb 2007.

First picture…

Saw your first picture yesterday
No…saw a life within me yesterday

A life which will step into this world soon
Soon into this world full of sorrows and joys
World full of reality and dreams

But will I be able to help create your dreams?
What about my own dreams?
Will I have to forget my dreams to fulfill yours?
Don’t know…all I know is I saw a picture of you yesterday
The first picture of reality

Saw your first picture yesterday
No…saw a life within me yesterday

Your tiny feet, little hands, shut eyes
Are so pure and innocent that I fear
I fear that my love and care may not be enough
May not be enough to nurture you, to grow you
To a person you would want to be
Will I be to able create a picture of tomorrow as beautiful
As the first picture of yours I saw yesterday

Saw your first picture yesterday
No…saw a life within me yesterday.

Now my son is 15 months old. And trust me the reality is a lot more happier, naughtier than the pic :)) But what is still the same is that it still is a life within me...and will always be.

If my thoughts trigger a thought of your own, do post a comment. I love reading your comments.

An ordinary woman when in love!

2008-09-28T03:15:00.000-07:00

Was just going through some of my old files and came across something that I had written many years back in year 2000. This is when things weren’t looking so rosy about my relationship with my boy friend then and now my husband.
Now that I read these thoughts, these words seem so honest and beautiful. It’s truly so beautiful to be in love, makes me want to fall in love again and yet again!

20 August, 2000
It’s so beautiful to fall in love with you,
But so painful to be away form u

I feel like hitting you and then cuddling innocently
I feel like annoying you and then pleasing lovingly
I feel like talking endlessly and admiring speechlessly
I feel like feeling you and then loving fearlessly
But for this I need you and not your thoughts within me

There is a desire to love the man who enhances the woman in me
There is a desire to be in the arms which handles the insecurity in me
These unfulfilled desires arouse a pain within me,
This pain makes the time to be moving slow
And the day I’ll be yours seems very far,
There is happiness and joy when I meet you,
But followed by fear and pain to part with you.

Our love makes others angry and then they fear
This makes me cry and you wipe my tear,
But I want them to know that we are not wrong,
Our love is not selfish but an unheard song,
When this song will be heard, its melody will spread,
Everybody will be happy and I’ll be in my wedding red,
The red will bring the pink and blue
Our love will be lovable by me and you.

If these thoughts on love trigger a thought of your own, do post a comment. I would love to read.

Rename

2008-09-28T03:07:00.000-07:00

After a couple of write-ups, I realized that most of my thoughts are not just thirty something thoughts but they are more as a woman. So I decided to change the name of my blog to “Just an ordinary women”. Now you may find me as someone confused, unclear….but aren’t all ordinary women like that. Also this is my first blog….and life is all about getting better with every new day.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

2008-08-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

Hey a friend of mine forwarded this interesting note on aging to me. Thought must share as it's funny & yet quite insightful. Am sure you will connect with it too.

George Carlin's Views on Aging:
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

As it's evident I have already "turned 30" :)))

Was it my last or first holiday?

2008-08-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

Last month I went for a holiday to Mauritius with my husband and our one year old son. This was my first proper long distance holiday ever since my son was born. But this holiday was quite different from all my last ones.

Earlier holiday meant lots of sex, this time there was hardly any sex since there was no nanny which meant our son was always with us.
Earlier holiday was about long meals & long chats. This time also it was about long meals but not for long chats but for my son’s long fussy slow eating & never without stories.
Earlier holiday, especially beach holidays, meant lots of adventure thrill & water sports. This time also there was lots of adventure but in the baby pool.
Earlier if the mornings began with afternoons & ended with late night clubbing, then this time the hungry howl kicked off the mornings and really hard & desperate attempts to make him sleep were the nights.
Lots of booze got replaced with more milk, sun-bathing got replaced with sand castles, groovy disco & rock music got flipped with ‘twinkle twinkle little star’, bungee jumping with jumping and just jumping all around.
Yes a lot of things changed, but it was still the most fulfilling time I had. All the things that I just cribbed about were actually lot of fun. They were all the things I did the first time or at least first time as an adult and that made it so much more exciting. I got to live my childhood again, actually I get to do that every time, every moment I spend with my son. Yeah it’s really time consuming to tell a story and make him eat his every meal. But I love those stories, I always did. They got new characters, concepts & dreams like Cinderella prince and my friendly neighbor hood Spider Man, in my life. I enjoyed the baby pool; it gave me a pool of joy splashing water in that 2-feet pool. A good, solid sand castle isn’t easy either to build and to then jump on it for kicks isn’t less fun. I enjoyed every bit of my time. All that I did was so much more satisfying compared to all that I couldn’t do this time. Well not sex but am sure we can make up for that. So though this may not be mean last of the earlier kinds of holidays, it surely wasn’t the last of my new kind of first holiday. I am so ready for the next one.

In my blooming pink hood!!

2008-08-23T01:22:00.000-07:00

‘Pink is for girls and blue is for boys’ is something I heard all the time. My one year old son’s clothes, toys, room, everything is blue. But this is not about by son, it’s about me. It’s different when in childhood someone else makes you wear pink or blue; you at that point don’t realize colors. You do grow up subconsciously believing that pink is for girls and blue is for boys. My son will do the same. I did the same, grew up from pink frocks to pink ribbons to pink Barbie to pink tops to many more colors in teens. But this is not just wrapping your self with pink, this is about feeling pink. Though I did all the girly things in childhood & college. I played house-house, parlour-parlour, girly gossips, ribbons, floral skirts, soft toys, high-school dramas, Mills & Boons, love stories, American Pie, boy friends etc. But even then, I think I feel most girly or rather womanly now. I understand womanhood a lot better; I enjoy it to its fullest now. Have grown up from rather superficial but fun girly things to enjoying the real power of my feminity. I have experienced the most beautiful moment of any woman’s life when she becomes a mother. I enjoy every bit of growing up my son. I like the fact that even though my husband contributes as much as I do to manage the house, well almost as much, it’s still me who gets the ‘super woman’ status. I love to do things which bring a smile on the faces of my aging parents. I feel proud to finally see that pride in their eyes of having a daughter. Intelligence, looks, success give a different joy & confidence of being a woman now. I love all the unfair advantages as well. I like spending time with my girl friends. I enjoy sex and the city. I love filling this space with my thirty something thoughts. In this spirit, I truly feel pink now, just the shade of pink has got deeper, and it’s no longer Barbie pink. There is substance.
I don’t believe in chance hence incase if you haven’t already, please note the change of color of my blog.

If my thoughts trigger a thought of your own, do write a comment. I love to read your comments.

What is Love?

2008-08-17T03:02:00.000-07:00

Even after having experienced a couple of love relationships, having been married for six years, after having watched and read so many love stories, I think I am still not sure what is love? No I don’t mean that I don’t believe in love. I believe in love, I have felt it, feel it, love it; it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s just that am still confused about the various ways in which love is defined or expressed – that true love happens only once in a life time, love is immortal, love is giving, love means no expectations, first love etc. Is it really as simplistic and as noble as it is made to be or is it multidimensional like most things in life?
It’s said that first love is special, yes it is. But the first time don’t we all fall in love with idea of being in love or do we actually fall in love with the other person? At least I was in love with this idea of being in love. If I think of that guy now, there isn’t anything that I like about him except for that the fact that he was my first love. But this phase is unforgettable for most people. It gives you a lot of your ‘first times’ – the first time you said ‘I love you’, first date, first kiss, first love letter etc. You want to enjoy all the things that you fantasized till now. There is this simple innocence in this first love, it’s actually love with oneself more than anything else, and what can be more genuine and honest than love with one’s own self. The other person is just a medium to introduce to you, your own ‘lovable self who wants to fall in love’. Hence yes, this idea of being in live, was, is & always will be truly special.
Also is love momentary or is it truly eternal? Isn’t this feeling that you love someone so much that you can’t live without him or her, a very momentary feeing? When you love someone so passionately that you want him to be around all the time, isn’t this a very momentary thought. And if it isn’t, then when you do live without the person or spend most time without the person, does it make this an untrue love. I sometimes think love is momentary but it still isn’t untrue, it is as true as truth can get for that moment. At that moment you honestly feel passionately about the other person and don’t wish to live without them. This is the truth of that moment. It is as pure as it can get coz anyway nobody knows tomorrow. When I look back, one of my past relationship didn’t materialize to be eternal but I still think there was true love, there still is, even though we happily live without each other, loving equally passionately some other people. Love is eternal, but it’s this feeling of love which is immortal and not necessarily the relationship.
This brings me to my next question –Does true love happen only once, with one person? I am not sure. Love is when you like being around some one, it is when you like doing things for someone else, it is when you like dressing up for someone, it’s when you feel like loving your own self, it’s a feeling of joy. And this joy can happen to a person more than once at different points in life. You meet different people in your lifetime, you seem to make a connection with them, and this connection is different every time. Each time it satisfies a different hidden need. Sometimes a need that you yourself didn’t know existed. A human being is complex; there are various emotions, needs, facets within a same person. When one facet of you finds a compatible partner facet in another person at a given time, love happens! It sounds like a theory but it is exactly that. What makes a marriage is when you are ready to ignore the other not so compatible facets for the sake of the ones which are compatible & more joyous. Hence there is nothing like true love, there is just love or no love. And this love happens with many people in one lifetime, at different ages and stages of life. It takes different forms each time, sometimes marriage, sometimes friendship and sometimes just silence.
Similarly is love about loving the other person or is it about wanting to be loved by the other person? I don’t believe that there can be love without any expectations of love in return. I love the people who I would like to be loved by. I may accept that I may never be loved by the other person but it still doesn’t kill my desire to be loved by the other person. In this desire, lies love. The reality is that just the thought of being loved by the other person brings a smile, makes one happy. In this thought, lies love.
Many more such thoughts make me feel love is multi-dimensional. Hence to each one, it is its own and it still is as lovable each time for every one and that is the beauty about love.

If my thoughts trigger a thought of your own, do write a comment. I love to read your comments.

Motherhood or discovery of a new me?

2008-08-02T04:04:00.000-07:00

Most women are really happy when they discover their first pregnancy but then there are some or at least I hope there are some and it’s not only me who wasn’t so sure if that was happiness. I was happy to see others happy with this news. This is something they were all waiting for, but I the bearer of the news, bearer of the baby, heart of hearts was actually nervous & scared. It wasn’t the fear of pregnancy or delivery; it was the fear of an answer to an important question- Am I ready for this big change in my life? Will I need to make many difficult choices at career & life and am I prepared for those compromises? I have always been career oriented & ambitious, will this set back this race in life to make it happen for you. Thus the most important one – Am I having this baby for everyone else or do I also want it? The worst is this that at this time everyone else expects you to be jumping with joy but there were so many of these irrational fears, so many what-ifs that I wanted to share but didn’t think anyone would understand.
I was always very sure that I will have a baby then why am I feeling so unprepared like something very precious is being taken away from me. I didn’t know then that actually, the most precious thing of my life was being given to me now. Any way during pregnancy I didn’t really enjoy reading about joys of millions of pregnant women who had registered themselves on sites like babycenter.com. Every time I got a weekly notification from them, I only read about the physical changes I needed to know and stayed away from anything else that made me uncomfortable. And then I remember my first sonography where I saw a life within me. I went blank, emotionless, lifeless as if time had stopped, life stopped for a second. And in that very second was a birth of new me or birth of a fetus of new me. I some where began feeling guilty of being selfish by not being so sure about the baby. Now the questions in my mind really were-Will I be a good mother? I still have so many unmet needs & desires, how will I find the courage to rise above them and fulfill yours? Do I have so much to give?
As the baby kept growing within me, I started feeling a connection with the baby. I started feeling protective of myself just so that I protect the baby well. I started sharing all my thoughts with the baby. I started enjoying the moments when Rakesh, my husband waited for the baby to kick so that he could hear them. This became every night affair and I also started cherishing them. Rakesh played the role of pregnant father & pregnant husband flawlessly. In all fairness, he did try to make life easy for me; most importantly he always gave a patient hearing to all my irrational fears & behaviors. But at that moment there is so much change happening within you physically & emotionally that you just don’t think anyone else would really understand it. By the end of my pregnancy I definitely was sure that it’s me who wants this baby and took good care of my self just so that I give my baby all that she deserves.
And then there was my first night at the hospital with the baby, there was Neev my few hours old son on the bed with me and Rakesh holding my other hand. I looked at both of them and realized the true meaning of the word which we have used so many times but never in the way, I understood it at that moment – ‘Family’. This is my family, the thing that is more precious and valuable than anything else in world. Everything else at that moment seemed so small and materialistic. And at that moment was the birth of new me!

Sex and the City

2008-07-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

Sex and the City

No this is not a movie review, this is about insights and emotional needs of ‘not so young anymore’ women. The movie ‘Sex and the City’ interestingly captures these hidden emotional spaces of these beyond 30 women.
Carrie Bradshow, so successful & famous, but yet is craving for love like any teenager. There is a softer side behind even that career minded, ambitious women. These women probably end up living split lives. One is for the external world which expects them to be of certain kind –passionate, leader, driven, confident, dominating and then there is this real person who may not actually be such a confident person, may have big and small, sensible and silly insecurities in life, at times would want to be dominated, at times my not quite enjoy this burden of decision making and always deciding the right things to do. But this real person gets somewhere lost because this is not a popular expectation of what a successful woman should be. So she starts living a masked life hoping that there will be someone, somewhere who she can depend on, who will be able to look beyond her professional accolades, this child in her and at times also this wild, crazy girl dying to just let go of herself.
Samantha Jones has it all –experience, money, power & a loving man, what more would a woman want. But may be there is still something that she desires, there is still something that she misses. What is that? Now that is a mystery that no one can resolve, not even the woman herself. It’s like this feeling of standing in this really noisy, crowded place with so many people around, but still getting this lonely sinking sensation in the tummy. It’s the realization that all that I thought I wanted and have also got, actually doesn’t give the desired satisfaction that I thought it would give. It sometimes is also the realization that it’s actually the chase; it’s the need to want some thing more all the time is what keeps me going.
Miranda Hobbes, a perfect super woman who strikes this perfect balance between work & home. But actually it isn’t so perfect, life most of the times isn’t. It’s a misconception that it’s all balanced and everything is in harmonization, till something not so pleasant happens. It is then; one realizes that the imbalance wasn’t in favor of what it should be, in favor what matters to you the most in life. Somewhere along the way, you lost what you really treasured but the worst is, you didn’t even realize it, when this was happening.
Charlotte York, a housewife by choice, motherhood is the best gift to her by god. But because your world is so limited, that it becomes so precious that you start being insecured about loosing it. You are scared of the feeling of nothingness which is currently filled with family. A housewife by choice is left with no choice but to ensure that her limited world remains intact.
Don’t we all somewhere relate to one of these women and sometimes in bits & pieces with all four of them. They actually express different facets, times and phases of our own life. But the best part is that every Carry eventually gets the love of her life, that every Samantha sooner or later does realize the calling of her life, that every Miranda does make up for all the imbalances in her life and every Charlotte grows & nurtures a family with limitless happiness. It’s these needs and relationships with life and people around, which keeps us grounded and makes us such colorful beings.

The generation 30 – Stuck in between

2008-07-24T05:37:00.000-07:00

Thirty something’s is a weird stage in life. I am thirty and don’t know what am I suppose to be, how am I suppose to behave- energetic, vibrant youth types full of spontaneity or sensible adult kinds full of maturity. I am too old to wear fancy skirts, funky t-shirts, bright hair clips, pink hand bags but also too young to be able to carry off a business suit or a formal sari. So I settle with denims and t-shirts- an in-between safe option.
I have enough money to buy comfortable apartment, designer clothes, drinks & dinners but that’s about it, just enough to happily live life but not more than enough to have fat investments or to play the multiplier game, again an in-between state so here is the in-between solution, I let go some indulgences and save a little for those just enough investments.
I feel too old to hip-hop, but still enjoy grooving & dancing always looking for the right in-between places. Too old to have crushes and infatuations, but still understanding the concept of love.
To keep up to this phenomenon of life, I am middle management in office, neither executer nor decision maker, aptly in-between.
But like most things in life there is a brighter side of this in-between state as well; it allows me to live either side of 30 at my convenience. So I safely get away with fancy skirt moods at time and at the same time can confidently carry off authority dressing when required. I can delegate leg-work and yet don’t have the full responsibility of taking big decisions, I am getting there. So I get to enjoy positives of both sides as per whims and fancies. It’s not like tween age when you want to be a teen but are treated as a kid, this one is better because you can be what you want to be. Also like many people say age is a state of mind; it’s just that at 30 this state of mind fluctuates every day.

Thirty- A milestone birthday!

2008-07-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

This April i had my 30th birthday, the birthday that I have been dreading ever since I was 25. Ever since I was 25, came this fear that the best days of my life are going to be soon over, that I am soon going to be 30 which will onset mid age and then that’s it. I will begin to gradually move from being this happening youth to this maturing, sensible, responsible, boring woman.
But when I actually reached closer to this milestone age of 30, I realized that actually it's not so bad, that actually it’s not bad at all, and that actually my best days have just begun. Honestly I am 30 and I feel I am living the best days of my life.
Financially - I am independent, doing well for my self, so finally have the money to enjoy life and don't have to worry about month ends
Professionally - I now vaguely know what I want, what's my chase and am showing signs to make it decent in life.
Physically - I look my best, am actually more attractive than I ever was coz I finally now know how to carry myself and what looks best on me.
I am experienced in many facets of life to overcome curiosity and begin experimentation, thrill and enjoyment, more confident. So in sum I already have many things that I desired or dreamt of ten years back and at the same time, yet have many unfulfilled dreams to keep life exciting. So this is the best time of my life and I will make the fullest of these hey years of thirty something’s!!