Just Chelsea

so disgusting.

2009-06-08T11:46:00.000-07:00

Some really sad and disgusting comments were made on the Rob, Arnie and Dawn morning show last week. see below...

ROB WILLIAMS [11:12]: This is a weird person who is demanding attention. And when it’s a child, all it takes is a hug, maybe some tough love or anything in between. When your little boy said, ‘Mommy, I want to walk around in a dress.’ You tell them no cause that’s not what boys do. But that’s not what we’re doing in this culture.

IE STATES [13:27]: If my son, God forbid, if my son put on a pair of high heels, I would probably hit him with one of my shoes. I would throw a shoe at him. Because you know what? Boys don’t wear high heels. And in my house, they definitely don’t wear high heels.

ROB WILLIAMS [17:45]: Dawn, they are freaks. They are abnormal. Not because they’re girls trapped in boys bodies but because they have a mental disorder that needs to be somehow gotten out of them. That’s where therapy could help them.

ROB WILLIAMS [18:15]: Or because they were molested. You know a lot of times these transgenders were molested. And you need to work with them on that. The point is you don’t allow the behavior. You cure the cause!

ARNIE STATES [21:30]: You got a boy saying, ‘I wanna wear dresses.’ I’m going to look at him and go, ‘You know what? You’re a little idiot! You little dumbass! Look, you are a boy! Boys don’t wear dresses.’

ARNIE STATES [29:22]: You know, my favorite part about hearing these stories about the kids in high school, who the entire high school caters around, lets the boy wear the dress. I look forward to when they go out into society and society beats them down. And they end up in therapy.

words don't quite do justice to the anger i feel over things like this being said. its completely unacceptable, not just because of how hateful and judgemental, but even more so because it is directed towards children. Obviously this hits closer to home for me than it does for some, because of Candice. it just makes me so sad, that people can be so hateful and judgemental, when they probably have never met a transgender person, or maybe they have, and they didn't know. i really don't even have the proper words to describe everything i am feeling.

MOVING

2009-02-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

i moved. yay. me and cameron have got our own place now... we moved on sunday- and its amazing. i have had many people saying things about moving in with your boyfriend, and how it can be bad and all that jazz... but honestly- i see nothing negative coming from this. not one bit. and i am really just so excited and happy about what me and cameron have. i honestly don't see myself with anyone else... and really... then it makes sense to live together...

i realize that all my blogs are super duper hardcore sappy... and all lovey dovey, or like me pissed... but i can't help it... i am most inspired to write when i am either super happy, or super sad...

whatever. :)

thinking....

2008-12-23T14:34:00.000-08:00

and reflecting.

mostly thinking about candice. my beautiful and wonderful girlfriend.
I truly feel beyond lucky that i have her in my life too. Not only do i have a wonderful boyfriend but he doubles as my amazing girlfriend.

Never in my wildest dreams did i think this would be a reality for me. But i am so happy that it is. i am completely awe-struck by her beauty everytime i see her. and the more i see her, the more beautiful she is. from the first time i saw her i thought she was beautiful, but i never thought she could be anymore beautiful, and i have been proven wrong, completely. i miss her when i don't see her for awhile. and then am blown away when i do see her. she is such a classy lady. classier than i will ever be. and more beautiful than i will ever be.

i don't think she understands how much i love her, and how much she means to me. How happy i am that she is in my life, and how truly blessed i feel. i tell her often, but i doubt it fully sinks in. she thinks she is the lucky one- but she is wrong... totally wrong. i'm the one who is getting the best of both worlds, and the one who gets to spend time with the most beautiful girl i have ever seen. i have the luck here... in this situation.

thoughts and ramblings...

2008-11-21T16:49:00.001-08:00

thinking lots as usual. always thinking, never turning it off.
but thinking about good things.
and good times.. happy thoughts..
and sugar.
lots of thoughts about sugar.

its crazy the things i feel.
things i never thought i'd feel again...
but am so overjoyed to be feeling..

sugar is nothing short of beautiful.
pure beauty in its simpliest, most radiant form.
the kind of beauty that almost hurts to look at....
and be around too much,
but its too amazing to walk away.
that beauty that draws you in
and completely capitivates you...
leaving you constantly longing for more...
wanting to know everything about it
beauty that unexplainable to those who haven't experienced it...
and when you do try and explain it (we always do)
they just look at you like you are crazy (maybe you are)
the beauty that grows more and more each day...
no matter how much time you spend, or how many hours pass
you never grow tired of it...
because everyday even though it doesn't seem possible
you are surprised by it all over again...

this is my sugar...
the most beautiful thing i have ever seen
and have had the priviledge of spending my time with...

this blog is probably cheesy to the tenth degree...
but i don't care...

he is simply beautiful, and i wish he could see it...
could see him, how i see him...
than he would understand everything...
why i feel the way i feel
its 9 months since we began this ride we have been on...
and i still get butterflies when he touches me...
and i still blush when he tells me i am beautiful...
and i still get giddy when we are going out on a date....
and i become that nervous little girl who wants to look perfect for him...
because he deserves it.

sugar.
it all always comes back to sugar.

halloween....

2008-10-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

So thankfully, after 2 extremely long weeks, i got to see my girlfriend again...
and it was nothing short of amazing.
she looked beautiful, even more beautiful than i remembered.
Drinks, dancing and kisses were had,
and those made for a beyond amazing night.
In these past two weeks, i have been sad too many days...
it was nice to just let loose
and have a good time with my beautiful girlfriend.
seriously- she looked so amazingly gorgeous!!!

you're right next to me...

2008-10-28T15:19:00.000-07:00

...but i need an airplane
i can feel the distance, as you breathe...
...and sometimes, i think you want me to touch you
but how can i, when you build the great wall around you...
...in your eyes, i saw a future together
but you just looked away, in the distance...

when it all starts- you go so out of your way
try so hard to make them know
make them know you like them, that you think they are special
tell them they are beautiful and
every other nice thing you can say...
but eventually it fades...
and becomes routine
and you forget to say those things
and they begin to not feel special...
they beg for those things to be said and shown
but than you don't want to say them...
or show them...
because you are feeling pressured, forced
and eventually that great big flame
is now just a small ember struggling to stay alive

i want the flame back..
it feels like it went out...
i don't want to feel resentment
or anger because you don't say the things i want to hear
or do the things i want you to do
i feel like i put a lot into this
and i just want half (maybe a little more) of what i put in
recipricated.

i want to feel special again-
i want to feel that you want me around...
and not that its just convienant-
i think you know that you are special to me
and that i want you around.

i think its so easy to show me those things
just little tiny things is all it takes...
and i hate feeling that because you don't do them
that it means i'm not worth it.

i want to be worth it.
tell me i'm worth it..
please...

unless i'm not.
don't lie to me.
tell me the truth...
do you want me, this, us
or not?
because if you don't...
than set me free...

i can't walk away- i never could-
because i believe in this.
i believe in us.
and i want you to believe in it too..

i wanna push you around...

2008-10-27T16:49:00.000-07:00

...well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down
well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted
i wanna take you for granted
yeah, yeah, i will, i will...

heard that song today...
it kinda hit me a bit...
more than it had in the past
and it was extremely unexpected...
and its been sitting in my head ever since
i can't shake it.
weird...

"...i don't know if i've ever been good enough...
i'm a little bit rusty, and i think my head is
caving in..."

i haven't listened to matchbox twenty in quite some time
and not that my love for them has faded at all..
but its just weird to hear a song
you haven't heard for awhile...
and have it hit you in a totally different way
than it always had before...

...i feel like somethings gonna give...
and i'm a little bit angry...

american apparel...

2008-10-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

if you know me... you probably know that i have a huge disgust for american apparel.. and its not their clothing i hate- although i don't think its anything special. its their ad's. especially the one with the girl in the grey undies in bed with the guy, at his crotch with her tongue sticking out... i just think there is a tactful way to use sex to sell something- and i don't think they achieve it at all.
in fact- when i look at an american apparel ad- it makes me feel dirty.. like i am watching kiddy porn that was filmed in a old mans basement.
i appreciate that they don't airbrush or photoshop their models...
but they all look so sad, so forced, like if i didn't know better i would assume they all were like kept in this guys house for no other purpose other than sex.
i think its disgusting, and very degrading to women... and men. and i wouldn't care, or even know about these ad's if they didn't constantly pop up on my myspace. god damn. anyways- obviously you can tell that i really hate american apparel.. even though i have many a friends who like it. and its actually not the company- its the advertisement- i love the fact that everything is made in the US and all that jazz... but some classier not so dingy ads would be nice. they don't make me want to buy clothes... they make me want to take a shower, and save the models.

its been too long...

2008-10-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

last weekend=amazing. as i already posted. this past weekend... we didn't get to go out. I didn't get to see my girlfriend- and i am pretty sad about it. i miss her. :( kind of a lot. and we won't get to go out this coming weekend either because i have to work, and we are going to a halloween thing that my work is putting on.. and then we have a halloween party to go to at a friends house who doesn't know about candice. maybe we can do a little stay at home session- or maybe we can go out to dinner or something- i miss my girlfriend. :(

tough girl

2008-10-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

always.
i'm always trying to be the tough one.
brush it off, pretend to be fine

always taking care of everyone else.
pushing and pushing everything i feel down inside...

and then i have days like today-
where it feels like its boiling over...
tears flow and i don't know why...

i've decided its because i try so hard to...
take care of people....
and make people believe i am strong

but the reality is, that i need someone to take care of me too.

i'm not as strong as i pretend to be.

and deep down inside, i am still just a girl.

i pride myself on not being like every other girl out there...
but the fact is that i still am in a lot of ways.
i still want kisses on my forehead (because they are the sweetest)
and i still want someone to hold my hand,
to cuddle me at night (especially when i'm sad)
and make me feel special.

and its not that i don't ever feel that way... because sometimes i really do.
i guess i just wish i felt it more often.

and especially now, because i am having a hard time...
these things seem even more important...
and maybe its just because i would do them for someone...
and maybe there is the problem...
expecting what i would do. when i know that thats not how everyone is

maybe i do just expect too much.
and maybe it is ok to ask for these things...
even if they are so ten times sweeter when they are given without asking...

who knows.
i feel like a little bit of a mess right now.

:/ bleh.

i'm so lucky

2008-10-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

look how beautiful she is. i seriously am the luckiest girl ever...

don't know why...

2008-10-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

but i feel sad right now...
confused too.

i guess its just part of this process, or whatever...

can't stop the thoughts from entering my mind
even though i desperately long to turn them off
they keep coming back regardless

i feel inadequate...
like maybe i'm just not good enough
and never will be...

i don't know where these thoughts come from
or why they frequent my brain
but i wish they would leave me alone...
its draining to think this way

i just want to sit and cry
run away maybe
something.

not good enough.
no matter what.

sugar

2008-09-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

sugar.
aka cameron.
aka the reason i smile a lot more lately.

this boy, has done more for me in the 7 months we have been riding this roller coaster than i ever dreamed possible.
i wish i could tell him everything i want to say.
but words don't do it justice.

but i am gonna try with this blog anyways. :)

smiles flood my face when we are together, and its not something i'm used to.
happiness used to be what i dreamt of...
now i am living it, feeling it. for the first time... in a long time.
and its amazing.
and i wouldn't change it for the world.
if you asked him, he would probably tell you that i give him too much credit.
but if you ask me... i don't give him enough.
sweet thoughts consume my brain now...
a brain that used to think nothing but the worst...
has finally made room for optimism...
hopefulness...
trust...
faith...
and love...

i've never felt so free to be myself...
like i didn't have to hide...
and nothing feels better than being able to be me.
flaws and all
and have them be accepted... and appreciated.
i have given him more than enough reasons to walk away
and he hasn't.
and i am amazed more and more everyday.

i feel like i am a piece of work...
but he doesn't see that in me.

this isn't even coming close to coming out right...

if he asked for the world, i would give it to him.
because he deserves it...
he is hands down, the most amazing...
sweet...
caring...
geniune...
loveable guy i have ever met.
and i am in awe everyday that he still wants to spend his time with me...

i don't know what i ever did to deserve him...
but i must have done something right.

alanis puts it pretty well here:
"You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here "

i love smiling. it feels nice to smile genuinely again.
it had been to long.

and it all has a lot to do with some sugar.

unbelievable!

2008-09-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

http://cbs13.com/local/transgender.body.american.2.825151.html

today police pulled the body of a transgender girl from the american river in sacramento. it is suspected to be a hate crime.

i have no idea who this person is, but i know that i am crying right now. that it hurts me too. It just disgusts me that people can be so hateful. and it scares me because of cameron. i mean, you always think it won't happen where you live... but it totally just did.

words cannot explain how disgusted i am right now. my heart goes out to her family, and to the whole community.

something's not right...

2008-09-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

i have been really good lately about keeping my brain from working overtime, like it usually does... however....

today...

my brain is starting to win...
and it is not very much fun.

part of this is my period.
part of it is that i am crazy.
all of it is unstoppable once it starts.

i have been feeling very woe is me lately. which is beyond lame.
and so unlike me.
i just feel like there are a lot of curveballs coming my way
and i am trying the best i can to dodge them and catch them
instead of them hitting me in the face...
but no matter what, they keep hitting my face
over and over again.

and i am sick of getting hit...
these bruises are taking a long time to heal...

yay!

2008-09-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

awwwww. look how adorable we are!!!

for real??

2008-09-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

This is what a vodka cran looks like at the Merchantile in sacramento. Seriously. Last time i checked Vodka Crans were red... not faint pink. lol.

hipsters

2008-09-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

honestly i think that hipsters may be the most annoying group of people out there...
although i throughly enjoy laughing at them, and find them extremely entertaining.
I stumbled upon this "How to" guide for hipsters- even though i believe it is meant to be extremely sarcastic, and as a joke... i think some kids may take it seriously. I find it beyond funny.

*******************
How to Be a Hipster

Hipsters are usually people in their teens to mid twenties that live a lifestyle that is against the mainstream culture. Ranging from clothes, to music, to coffee shops, to home decor, to even vocabulary. The tendency is to be steeped in "indie" culture and to dress in a "bohemian" style.

[] Steps
Before you do anything you should note that knowledge of good music is crucial to becoming a true hipster. If you are into any mainstream music at the current time (ex:Nickelback, Good Charlotte, Rihanna, Ashlee Simpson, Lil John, etc) throw them away. Don't even donate them.
Now that you have erased all mainstream music from your life, you can go on to independent music which is what all real hipsters listen to. The artists and groups are endless. Hipster artists of note include Sufjan Stevens, Bright Eyes, Arcade Fire, to British groups such as Arctic Monkeys and Dirty Pretty Things. Websites such as weirdears.com, indiekids.org, and even the music section of myspace can help you with this. Meeting people who are already into these bands will help you as well. Perhaps the most popular hipster website is pitchforkmedia.com. If they give an album a good rating, it must be quite hip.
Namedrop often. Talk about all the obscure bands you like that nobody you know has heard of. When your friends talk about a band you're unfamiliar with, just say you've heard of them but not actually heard them. It'll give you more cred.
Insult a lot of bands. If you love everything you'll seem like a fanboy. Make sure to give off a vibe that you are too cool and elite for a lot of bands.
Remember to use perhaps the most important hipster line: "I liked them before they were cool."
Fashion is almost as important as your music taste is. Now generally people perceive many hipster to shop in thrift stores in attempt to looking vintage or poor. This is really not the case to being a true hipster. The classic "Skinny Jean" is essential to looking hip. Guy hipsters actually probably wear them more than the girls. Basically, the tighter, the better. Now tops aren't as big of an ordeal as pants are. Ironic tees, plaid shirts, sweatervests, blazers, fit hoodies, are all part of the hipster phenomena. But make sure your pants are tight. They can be any color. Actually, the bolder the better. (ex:purple, pink, yellow, etc).
Food. All you really need to know about this is that eating meat isn't exactly popular with the hipster culture. Fruit, coffee, oriental food, etc are all "hip" foods, if you will. Many hipsters tend to be vegetarian or vegan.
It takes a brave hipster to start dancing. In fact, if you want to spot a hipster, just turn around the next time you are at a show and see them standing in the back discussing Stella or PBR in a can. Sometimes, if the music and setting is right, you will witness Hipsters engaging in dance movements. Hipster dancing, if done right, does not use so much of the hips as it does the upper body and arms. Lots of swinging and swinging head back and forth. Remember to only do this if you are not humiliated easy. Although you will rarely see hipsters dancing at shows, they tend to enjoy separate dance parties where they can dance to an array of more upbeat hipster dance music.
Mustaches. Guy hipsters are sporting these as of late! The bigger the better and if you can curl the ends into the handlebar mustache you are even better...a true hipster doesn't expose their upper lip.

[] Tips
Don't watch MTV. M = mainstream.
Converse are universal. They look great and you can wear them pretty much anywhere.
Rather than going to Starbucks for coffee, go to a local shop.
Go to shows. The more...the better.
Do your own hair.
Don't drive an expensive car. Don't even own a car at all. It is a waste of gas and money.

[] Warnings
The goal of being a hipster is to look like you're not trying, however, if you are one, you are probably trying really hard.
People may not believe you when you say you liked a musician before he/she was popular. Ex. I have told my friends time and time again I knew Gym Class Heroes before MTV, and they believe it's too "rappy" for my taste.

so yesterday

2008-09-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

beyond done
beyond fed up

everything can be ok...
but people are choosing not to make it so...
and its all being blamed on me

it all had been ok...
but now it blew up, outta nowhere
and guess who gets the mess all over them?

the same one who always does
and the same one who will be cleaning it all up
i'm not trying to play super victim or anything

but enough is enough
family isn't supposed to be like this
and everyone needs to take credit for their role
instead of pushing it all onto me

fuck it.

Short shorts get woman put in jail!

2008-09-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

seriously- this is one of the funniest things i think i have heard/seen in awhile. aside from the sweet LHC rap video- which will come soon! this woman- who was appearing in court for numerous charges, had been warned 2 other times by the judge about her clothing choices, and finally the third time- the judge had had enough- and put her in jail for 3 days for her short shorts being in court! lol. hella funny!
<

holding hands

2008-09-04T09:47:00.000-07:00

awe.

feelings had been mixed again

questions running through my mind...

wondering what the hell i am doing...

funny how you can be so confused, pissed, upset

and then one little thing changes it all

some redemption.

then you're pissed because you have no reason to be pissed anymore. :)

i don't believe i ask much. and i don't think i get pissed that easily.

yeah, things effect me, and i show them on my face.
(what girl doesn't?)

i am aware how he feels, aware how this is hard for him.
(its hard for me too, in a different way)

but i can't help wanting to feel it....
wanting to hold hands in public....
and give sweet kisses randomly while walking through the mall.
arms around my waist, holding me close where everyone can see....
(all girls want this... right?)

and its not a lack of understanding that makes me feel how i feel

its just the wishful thinking, the hoping.
the wanting what i put in.
and i am in no way, shape or form upset with him.

it doesn't make me mad... it makes me sad.
but i know he knows that. and he said he would work on it.
(that makes me smile)

girls just want to feel important.
like their guy wants everyone to know-
HEY! This is my girl!

and most days i feel important..

this sounds all sad, considering i am not upset. Just thinking about why girls feel these things...
in the intense ways we feel them.
when i feel something like this...
it takes me over, almost immediately.

before you know it, I'm crying.
(not those sobbing tears, those super fast flowing tears)

and i sit with tears literally running down my face
not knowing why i am crying.

why are girls made this way?
i wasn't even upset, but it was like a knee jerk reaction.
(so weird)

turn my brain off please

2008-08-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

it's not stopping
it's not even slowing down
not even a little bit...

there are a few too many things to process right now...
but no more then i handled in the past,
so why is it getting to me so extremely now?

it's messed up and not right...
but i like that i am an hour away from some the issues.
its not that i want to be away from it,
but i can't lie and say it doesn't make it a little bit easier.

thats terrible. and i know it.

i am lacking a sense of security lately.
almost every night as i am laying down to sleep...
i cry. for at least 15 minutes...
even when someone else is there
i feel insecure and maybe a little scared?

i don't get it. at all.
i am happy.

mom thinks its because i feel
a lack of security.
who knows.
she may be right...
she usually is.

and so it seems

2008-06-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

another day at work is getting near the end... thankfully...
it has been a dreadfully long day...
the gym is calling my name
and then sweet bike rides and park adventures are too be had....

...we'll see if they actually happen...

thoughts borderline scrambled
trying not to think
shutting it out
putting them aside
they always creep back up

confusion is begining to return to me
and its the last thing i want
don't over think- over analyze
go with the flow
roll with the punches

i'm trying... give me that.
some credit is deserved.

and so another day....

2008-06-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

and this day brings another blog...
nonsensical-ness guarenteed.

working- as i always am when i am writing blogs....
its great to get paid to do nothing...
actually i don't agree with that at all,
i would much rather be doing actual work...

in fact i kinda am, while i do this too..
i have been searching myspace profiles of our demographic,
seeing what songs they are listening to...

so our demographic is women 18-35.
i have never been so depressed or let down in my life...
these girls profiles are so sad, their pictures are all
half naked, or extremely provocative.
their profiles are covered in glittery hearts, and i love him stuff,
(not that i can say much there- i am guilty of that too...kinda)
or things saying how they love their haters, and how to not be jealous...
very conceeded profiles to say the least.
it makes me sad, because i really would like to be able to expect more
from the female population, i would like to see some interesting
things, about their art, or their writing, that they are inspired
by the world, books, music, etc.
instead these girls seem content on just being tits and ass.
and that really is too bad...

kinda bugs me out...

Birdo....is a boy?

2008-06-13T17:01:00.000-07:00

Birdo.
From Super Mario Brothers 2, and many other mario games, is in fact a boy.
i always assumed Birdo was a girl, with the pinkness, the eyelashes, and the huge bow...
i stand corrected now...

it is said on wikipedia that Birdo is in fact a male transvestite.
this is quite possibly the coolest thing i have learned in a long time.
i am beyond stoked about it....
apparently in the original manual for Super Mario Brothers 2...
Birdo is described as a male who believes he is female...
and would like to be called Birdetta....

am i alone in thinking this is beyond cool?

go Birdo!