This is the first image in our new series of motivational posters…

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It will begin with an innocent, straight man entering a public bathroom where he is found and bitten on his weenums by a zombie in the next stall after he alerts the zombie of his presence when his foot slips on the tile and accidentally brushes against the zombie’s foot. The gay plague soon spreads to the point where even churches aren’t immune.
But there is one man who can stop it! He’s Jesus, the kick ass white guy who rides from town to town on his Harley to preach the good word and reverse the effects of the plague, dressed as Jesus Christ except more kick ass - with bullets strapped across his chest and stuff. He eventually gathers a posse, made up mainly of the dregs whose rough lives helped them to survive, to help him fight.

The zombies are too strong though. Eventually, after hints of hope, Jesus (pronounced Hay-Zeus) loses the battle and the movie ends with him joining a flamboyant street parade with the rest of the gay zombies.

I bet Christians would pay top dollar to see that on Halloween. They could even incorporate it into their Hell Houses.

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Ha ha, Gordon crashed!  Too bad you suck.

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a low-budget horror movie about a pirate ghost
who is released from his centuries-long  captivity in a cursed treasure chest by teens making out on the beach.

Once out of his confinement, he takes revenge on the descendants of his mutinous crew in a town they founded using his stolen gold.
Jolly Roger must collect the heads of each of the descendants and throw them in his treasure chest to make their spirits show him the way to his lost gold.

Two teens, who survived Jolly Roger’s first killing spree on the beach, are accused of killing their friends until the pirate starts showing up all over town beheading people.

The Chief of Police discovers a way to catch Jolly Roger after watching the security tape from a strip club over and over and over and over….

The  Police chief and the teens steal Jolly Roger’s treasure chest and place it in a warehouse so they can confront him when he appears. Their great plan is to stand in front of the chest and talk to him.  Once Jolly Roger appears, the chief pulls out his gun and points it at the ghost because when you’re confronted with a ghost the smart thing to do is shoot at it. That will stop it in it’s tracks!

The ghost pirate shoots the chief, wounding him in the side, then throws the newly collected heads into his chest only to find his spell isn’t working. He needs one more head.

The boy gives it to him: he grabs Jolly Roger’s sword and lops his ghostly pirate head off.  We see green blood splurting everywhere for a few minutes before the climatic ending of Jolly Roger’s body and chest magically disappearing in a tiny poof of smoke.
A few months later, the teens and the recovering chief meet up while visiting the warehouse. They talk for a few moments before the chief notices the chest has magically reappeared before them. Stupidly, they open the chest to find it empty.  Then Jolly Roger pops up behind them and kills them! YARG! The end…or is it?
The dialogue in the movie was about as professional as Fatman:
“Who’s going to believe us? All our friends are dead!”
“They were my friends too, dammit!”
And the singing pirate who must make a bad pirate joke before each kill - superb! You gotta love the fact that he can appear wherever he pleases out of thin air, but needs to use the door when it’s time to leave.

Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum, sixteen heads in a dead man’s chest! Yarg!
Overall, I give this movie 1 pegleg.

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 This series of ads, run by REEBOK, has to be my favorite to date.  They couldn’t have picked a better premise, or a better Office Linebacker.  Terry is simply stunning in his performances, OSCAR worthy, no less.  The hits, the laughs, the pain.  Awesome.  “Its not always about the pain, sometimes its about the mind games, WOOOO.”

 Poor Jerry, he feels the pain.  If you think you can mess with Terry, remember, “You can’t hurt this! I’m a machine BABY!  WOOO  I was made for this!”  That’s right, not in this humpty bumpty, take it elsewhere, or beware. 

I’m just glad you can gfind his stuff on youtube.com 

Its like Terry said, “the only pain I’ve got time for, is that pain I’m handing out to fools who don’t know what time it is!”

Truly a masterpiece.

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1. Taste

2. Texture

3.Temperature

4. Presentation…wait that doesn’t start with T.  Damn.  Tresenpation! (there we go)

Taste is obviously very important, if something didn’t taste good, why would you eat it.  Texture is maybe a little less intuitive, but think about a juicy steak.  When you go to bite into this you find its like a gelatinous shell with a slimy, clotty, soupy center.  Doesn’t matter how good it tastes, its not the best steak, not is it something I want to eat at all.   Temperature makes sense to us, I think.  Who likes warm or hot soda? Unless you’re European or something, probably not you.  I know a Russian post doc who would get coke form a vending machine, pour it in a coffee cup and microwave it.  That’s just sick man.  Anyway, fried chicken, best served warm.  Ice cream, well, frozen if you please.   You get the picture.  Ah presentation, yet another part of a meal that is subtle, yet very important.  If someone made food that literally looked like vomit and turds, chances are you’d skip it and eat something that looked better.  It mostly all makes sense, mostly.  So, when you’re preparing a meal or even eating one, think about the 4Ts, I mean the 3TP of food, and judge it, judge it HARSHLY.

I would also add a fifth category, S for smell, I ain’t eating nothing that smells like dookie. Y’all understand.  So, really I guess its 3TPS of food.

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I love it, love it, love it. Its awesome, and there’s a cheese that’ll go with anything. But essentially, cheese is just rotten milk. 

I think I love it even more for that reason.  Here’s old nasty sour milk, and along comes a friendly bacteria and says, I can make this better than its ever been!  YAY!!!! Go bacteria!!  Score one for the prokaryotes!  Its amazing, the transformation from rancid, putrid, funky and sour to delcious is unbelievable.  Although sometimes the end product ends up smelling worse than pretty much anything I can imagine, right Limberger?  But usually the result is goodness so good, it hurts my mind and proves the existence of a higher being!  Yay cheese, yay God!

I always wondered when and how cheese got discovered.  I mean, you know that first cheese had to be funkalicious.  Who was the guy (or gal) that saw the old sour milk and thought, lets wait a while and see it something good happens.  Or, saw what was probably the first lumpy clotted jumble of proteins in the colloidal ecstasy of sour milk and thought, “I’d like to eat that!”  Well whoever it was, my hat is off to you!  Life would not be nearly so grand without it.

I guess the milk think has prompted other bold pioneers to experiment with other cheese like substances.  I know this will be no surprise, but I’ve heard that in some parts of Asia, they make a cheese-like substance out of fish.  They mash it up and ferment it and let unspeakable things happen for who knows how long, and then they eat it.  If I get the chance, I’m trying it- after someone else does, and only if they live.  MMM, fishy.

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1) The Movie That Must Not Be Named
My parents were watching this when it came on tv once. They wouldn’t even let me come downstairs while it was on because “it would give me nightmares”. I was furious that I couldn’t watch it so I did what all annoying children do - make all possible obvious, distracting attempts to get into the room. At one point I finally made it and the glimpse I saw horrified me for years. Reagan was puking the pea soup. Years later, I watched the entire movie at a friend’s house and couldn’t sleep for six months. I couldn’t even close my eyes much less sit in a dark room. I would freak out thinking “Reagan is sitting on my bed!” To this day, as you can see, I can’t even hear or see the name of this movie. It scares me that much.

2) The Hobbit
I hated Gollum in the cartoon version of the Hobbit. I hated his wailing! I hated his eyes, his face, his mouth, his hands….oh! horror! When The Two Towers came out, I hid my face every time he was on screen. Now I’m desensitized to him as a character on the whole. But then, Andy Serkis’ Gollum isn’t nearly as disturbing as that cartoon.

“‘Bless us and splash us, my precioussss! I guess it’s a choice feast; at least a tasty morsel it’d make us, gollum!’ And when he said gollum he made a horrible swallowing noise in his throat. That is how he got his name, though he always called himself ‘my precious.’”

3) Superman III
Who didn’t crap their pants when the robot lady walked on screen?

4) I can’t believe I forgot this one, but The Skekses from the Dark Crystal! Those things scared the living sh** out of me! The noise they made actually makes me sick to my stomach.

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You know the old saying, where there’s smoke, there’s fire?  Well if that were always true, then my kidneys or bladder or something internal is on fire.  I say this because having taken a leak, I was sure that the building was on fire and smoke was pouring in from the vents, until I noticed the smell was coming from the toilet, yes my urine in fact was the source of the intense smoke odor.  I suppose this should not have been a surprise to me, its happened before.  Maybe it was just amplified in this bathroom. 

A friend of mine, lets just call him the Mountain Man, loves to smoke meat.  No not like that you pervs, in a meat smoker with fire and wood chips and lots and lots of smoke, stuff like that.  Well I’ve recently had the pleasure of eating some smoked brisket that he’d prepared.  Most people who smoke put a good 1/8th to 1/4 inch smoke ring on their meat, but not old Mountain Man, he puts at least a good inch of smoke ring on whatever it is.  You don’t even want to know about his ribs.  The first time I ate anything from him, I noticed right away the intense smokey flavor, but the real treat was waiting for me the next morning.  Being as it was still very early, as I was relieving myself I closed my eyes.  I could swear I had been transported to the middle of a forest fire, or that I was standing very close to a campfire- yet the heat didn’t reach me. 

That is what it was like today.  Mountain Man’s Chile is too much for me to handle I guess.  He makes it from the crunchy cuttings and drippings of stuff he’s smoked.  Delicious, but I guess its mostly made of smoke.

Maybe its just me.  My pee smells like the stuff I eat all the time.  Taco Bell “meat” makes my pee smell like Taco Bell “meat.  Canned beef stew makes my pee smell like canned beef stew.  Italian sausage makes my pee smell like, well, fresh baked cinnamon rolls- I should have that looked at.

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