JustHangOn

reminiscing dumaguete city: eat pray love in one go :)

2011-03-20T00:47:00.000+08:00

looking back since day 1, i wasn't able to reach the places i planned to go to before i left for dumaguete city. but i've been to places i've never been, done stuff i've never done, and built lasting memories with people who have become my friends and family. my stay in dumaguete city so far is the slowest pace of my life, and i liked it. by saying yes to God, thru the invitation of my boss to be part of a start-up project, i was ushered to a place where i realized what slowing down really means, where i had realizations that no one can take away from me, where i gained my internal source of happiness, where i learned a lot of things that i didn't know i can do and sacrifice, where i finally said that "now i'm seeing the beautiful fruits of the painful past," where i finally claimed that "i've never been this free" (literally and figuratively), where i got to know myself more, where i found God's overflowing love, where i realized the importance of family, where God answered some of my previous prayers, where God showed me His faithfulness, where God taught me to just trust in Him, where God allowed me to share with people His work in my life, where i was able to put into practice what i've learned in the past, where i held myself responsible in anything i did -- a place where i technically started all over again. i am just so blessed to be led to this place, really. i am blessed to be surrounded by the very people i met and the very people i was almost always with every single day of my stay. it's like my second home. i may not have contributed much to work-related stuff, but i sure did contribute something and i did learn a lot when it comes to life 101. thanks, everyone! thanks for your time and for everything. i surely am missing all of you. till we meet again! :)

missing me

2011-03-19T06:18:00.000+08:00

too busy to contemplate and actually write. :( this isn't me at all. i am missing me who almost always scribble something every night. my job's eating me alive!

appreciation for our parents (and probably our grandparents and whoever our guardians were)

2010-11-24T21:53:00.000+08:00

instead of flooding my friends' inbox, i thought of reposting here the email i received from my cousin. here it goes:

One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed all interviews with ease and now reached the very last interview wherein the company's chairman conducted the interview himself and who would make the final decision.

The chairman realized from the resume that the youth's academic results were excellent all the way, from secondary school all the way up to postgraduate research. There was never a year did he not score an award or honors.

The chairman asked, "Did you obtain any scholarship in school?" and the youth answered "none".

The chairman asked further, "Is it your father who paid for your school fees?"

The youth answered, "My father passed away when I was one year old. It was my mother who paid for my school fees."

The chairman then asked, "Where did your mother work?"

The young academic answered, "My mother worked as a clothes-cleaner."

The chairman then asked for the youth's hands upon which the youth showed a pair of smooth and perfect hands to the chairman.

The chairman continued, "Did you ever help your mother wash clothes before?"

To which the youth responded, "No, never. My mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Besides, my mother washes clothes faster than I.

The chairman then concluded, "I have a request. When you go back today, go and help clean your mother's hands. And then, see me tomorrow morning."

The youth left feeling confident that he would land the job. When he reached home, he happily and eagerly wanted to complete his task and asked his mother for her hands.

The mother felt very strange, happy, but also felt a mixed emotion of fear. Nevertheless, she hesitantly showed her hands to the son.

The young academic cleaned his mother's hands slowly, and as he did, his tears started to slowly drop down his cheeks. It was the first time he realized how wrinkled his mother's hands were, with so many blisters and bruises on both hands. Some of the wounds incited twinges of pain so sudden that the mother shivered when water washed upon them.

This was the very first time the young, accomplished academician realized and experienced that it was this very pair of hands that washed clothes every day to earn him for him his school fees; his mother's badly bruised and worn out pair of hands was the price the mother paid for to get him to achieve academic excellence, to graduate, and perhaps prepare him for his future.

After finishing the cleaning of his mother's hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.

That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.

The next morning, the youth proceeded to the chairman's office. The chairman noticed the young man's tear-swollen eyes and asked: "Can you tell me what you have accomplished and learned at home yesterday?"

The youth answered, "I cleaned my mother's hand and also finished washing all the remaining clothes she left behind."

The chairman the asked, "Please explain to me what you felt."

The youth explained, "First, I learned what is appreciation; without my mother, there would not be the successful me today. Second, I learned how to work together with my mom. It was only then did I realize how difficult and tough it is to get her work done. Lastly, I felt the importance and the value of a true family relationship.

The chairman, satisfied with the young man's new learned knowledge, enlighten him, "This is what I am asking. I want to recruit a person that can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the suffering of others to get thing done, and a person that would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired.

Later on, this young man worked very hard and in return received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee under him worked diligently as a team and the company's performance resulted into a tremendous improvement.

A child who has been overly protected and habitually given whatever he has and had to do developed "entitlement mentality" and as a result would always put himself first. He shall be ignorant of his parent's efforts and hardships. When he starts to work and steps into the real world, he assumes that everyone must listen to him. And when he makes it to the top, he may never realize how much suffering his employees endured and may always blame others for failures. These kind of people, may deliver good results, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel that sense of achievement. He will grumble at life and may develop hatred within himself and eventually want and fight for even more. If we ourselves behave as such kind of protective parents to our children, then, do we actually love the child; or are we just simply destroying the child?

You may let your child live in a big house, eat the finest meals, learn the piano, have the latest gadgets, or watch the big screen TV. But when you are gardening and cutting the grass, please let them experience that chore with you. After a fine meal at home, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their siblings. It is not so much about not having the money to hire a maid, but it is more so much as to wanting to love them in a right way. You would want them to understand that no matter how rich parents are they too will grow gray hair one day and grow old, just as the mother of that young man did. The most important thing is that your child learns how to appreciate the efforts of life experiences the difficulties and learns the ability to work with others to get thing done and to all live in harmony.

here goes my reply to him:

i've learned the lesson just in the recent years of my life. still bratty though but i'm working on it. i always have to learn things the hard way. i'm just as glad that God did not give up and is not giving up on me. :) for the longest time, i chose to ignore the lesson. buti na lang lumaki ako na hindi lahat nabibigay ng basta basta. :) for the experience during the growing up years, i'm thankful now. :)

hahaha! naiyak naman ako. :)

temporary residence: dumaguete city, negros oriental

2010-10-17T22:47:00.000+08:00

so, now i'm here in dumaguete - my new home (temporarily)! :) been anxiously waiting for this day (and the days to come). not because i am so excited to be somewhere else but because i agreed to be here for work -- not so usual in my vocabulary though.

it's been a jam-packed first day. :) i have already met people i supposedly will still meet come monday. we had free meals at shakey's after we dropped by the pension house (c/o a birthday celebrant haha). later in the evening, we went out with the same group for dinner along the bay (similar setup with the bay area in manila) then videoke somewhere near the bay area.

one of my goals in my stay here is to understand and speak their dialect. my four months will be easier if i can at least understand their dialect. for a start i have listed the following words in my handy-dandy notebook:

naluya/kapoy - tired
kabalo - marunong/knowledgeable
katul(u)gon - sleepy
kaon - eat
ngano - why
asa - where
naa - meron/i have
pila - how much
pikas - other side
dili - no
diri or dinhi - here
lisod - difficult
maayong buntag - good morning
maayong gabii - good evening
ugma - tomorrow
muadto - going to
tudlo - teach
usa - one (1)
duwa/dua - two (2)
tulo - three (3)
upat - four (4)
unam - six (6)
pulo - ten (10)
puso - steamed rice covered w/ buri leaves (not sure what kind of leaves)
tocino - pork barbecue

i hope i got the translations correct. so far, words just keep on slipping my brain cells haha! hopefully, in time i'll get more comfortable with the dialect. :)

all my bags are packed....almost

2010-10-09T22:28:00.000+08:00

(image source: http://www.envcap.org/sample/sample2.htm)

i tried packing up my things this morning as i have so little time yet so many things to do before i left for my temporary residence for the next four months.

all my bags are packed...almost. my luggage already looked full, but i still have so many things left in my checklist. i have yet to buy some stuffs that i'll need in my stay there. i'm actually bothered of the excess baggage i'll have when i get to the airport. haha! knowing me, i'll have unnecessary things stuffed in my luggage, but for now, i wouldn't mind.

i've been to a mall late this evening to window shop so that i can buy other things in my checklist tomorrow.

whew! i'm running out of time!

i'm moving out once again

2010-10-04T12:48:00.001+08:00

i can't believe myself that i actually said yes to this new assignment even if it meant moving out of my family's and friends' zone. i used to believe that it's not in my vocabulary to work in a faraway place. i'd travel, yes. but NOT WORK.

(photo source: http://www.roomssite.com)

the first time i moved out of my (grand)parent's house was when i stayed with my godmother when my godfather, her husband, died. my cousins were already college students then, and she had no one to be with. it did not last very long though and i was always almost in my grandparents' house every weekend. I was in high school, and i was almost always coming home late and i was missing the point of accompanying her. i started to permanently moved out of my parents' house was when i entered college. i lived with my aunt's generous family for free! my sister and i were so blessed to be in their care during our college days until we both had our first jobs.

we moved out of my aunt's house more than five years ago. that's total independence for me and my siblings. we're literally and figuratively on our own. that's when i also started to be bankrupt haha! thanks to my sister who had been my financial stronghold during those times. we stayed for a year in a condo somewhere in pasay city then moved in to where we are now - the one we call our home though it can't be our own.

i also had short stints of moving in to places when i was in college. one was during our internship in a manufacturing company somewhere in pandacaqui, pampanga. there were 10 of us, and we rented a house for 2 weeks. the other one was during our internship in another pharmaceutical company in antipolo city. there were only three of us, and we rented a room in a subdivision just across the company. it lasted for about 6 weeks to fulfill the necessary requirements before we take the pharmacy board exam. but i was home every other week that time so missing home wasn't really an issue.

reminiscing about those events now, i'm never new to moving out, i realize. but then, in those moments that i moved out of my comfort place, i was always within the reach of my family and friends.

as i mentioned earlier, i'm moving out once again. however, this time, i will be mountains and seas away from my family and friends! it's just a plane away though, but i'm sane enough to be practical in that matter hence i become bankrupt once again. i will be moving in to a city where i know only of two people (my office friend and our boss), a city where i have no idea how to speak their dialect even understand it (yes, it's still w/in the philippine islands), a city i've never been.

i'm excited and afraid at the same time. this will be my first time to be totally on my own. i will have to adjust in everything. thanks to my BIG GOD! because of Him, i believe i can survive my stay there. like what i always remind myself, just hang on to god and everything will turn our right. Just hang on!

free truly rich club seminar!

2010-10-04T11:44:00.000+08:00

for bloggers out there who haven't attended the truly rich club seminar and would want to attend for FREE, click this link for the mechanics.

the truly rich club seminar will be held on november 13, 2010, at the lourdes school of mandaluyong, 8am to 12 pm.

it's cool sana to participate in the contest; however, i wouldn't be in manila on the said date. haha! of course, i'm assuming that i'll win a seat in the truly rich club seminar because even if i'm a truly rich club member, i haven't attended the seminar even once. lol!

it's a super blessing to be a member of the truly rich club. i have daily GodWhispers that encourages me through the day, regular stock updates, regular wealth strategies, powerful talks by bro. bo himself, interviews with the mentors, and so much more!

if you want to be a member, just click on the banner of the truly rich club at the right panel, and it will lead you to the right page. :) see for yourself! :)

be blessed, stay blessed, and be a blessing to others! :)

stocks portfolio completed!

2010-09-30T03:39:00.001+08:00

whew! finally, my portfolio's complete! FLI (Filinvest Land Inc) is still a good buy even if i bought it @1.38 when the prevailing price during yesterday's trading hours was 1.36! again, i bought at much higher price. instead of placing orders during the trading hours and monitoring the prices first-hand, i placed my orders during the off-hours using citiseconline's "off-hours order" option. it's relatively convenient to use when i don't have time to be in front of the laptop and monitor what's going on in the market. it's just that i based my bid price on the previous day's last sale price @1.40 (according to the philippine stock exchange/PSE), and i wasn't able to even check the prices during trading hours. if i did, i could have cancelled my order and placed a bid at much cheaper price.

the key to trading really is patience (and again, i didn't have the courage to wait for my initial bidding price @1.35) and timing. had i patiently waited, i would have bought FLI @1.35. the best bid during yesterday's trading hours was 1.34! how's that for patience? well, instant gratification on my part. tsk tsk. anyhoo, it's over. as always, no more crying over spilled milk. :)

to the traders/stockers, happy trading! :)

iced ink

2010-09-29T00:52:00.001+08:00

(photo source: http://thebetterwriter.com/Ink.html)

can you say that for me repeatedly?

iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink. iced ink.

thank you! well done. :O

got it?

i stink! read again. :)

i remembered one time during my highschool days, i was infested with caterpillar power and had rashes all over. thanks to the acacia trees that serve as shade on our school grounds. caterpillars everywhere.

my late godfather applied vinegar on the rashes just so that the itchiness would subside. true enough they did. how's that for perfume? haha!

i stinked!

few more years back, when i was in grade 3. our adviser then so hated smelly kids. we were already warned not to play under the sun, but as hard-headed kids as we were, we still did. :) we just had fun playing the prisoner's game and the chinese garter. we're kids! consequently, i was one of those pupils detained outside the classroom after lunch break until class dismissal because i stinked.

don't say "iced ink" aloud and repeatedly. someone might overhear you and think that you're actually saying "i stink." haha!

Zen Moments

2010-09-26T23:58:00.000+08:00

i've been a reader of Zen Moments for quite a time now - more than a year, nearing 2 years. the first story i ever read in that web site is entitled "the cab ride i'll never forget." ever since that day, Zen Moments has been with me in my journey. it has been so helpful during times of spiritual dryness, fatigue, sadness, hopelessness.

while i was checking updates from sites that i follow, i saw Zen Moments updated 3 hours ago and so i checked what's new. it's about the quotes of the Dalai Lama! most of them struck a chord in me. quoting myself in the comment i posted, "i may not be a Buddhist, but the teachings of the Dalai Lama have their own way of penetrating my life." how timely! and it's been always like that.

(cheating time) let's just give to receive

2010-09-26T23:27:00.000+08:00

when i heard of "cheating time," suddenly, the youthful memories of cheating arrangements during examination days become alive. haha! i did that, too. grade 5 and second-year highschool! shame on me because i was in the "honor's roll" then.

and probably, some of you might even think of [your] philandering husbands/boyfriends or wives/girlfriends.

but hey! i'm not gonna dwell on those. i was actually moved with the talk given at the feast several weeks ago. it's about tithe giving. yes, the 10th of the fruits of our labor. after all, everything came from God. and He deserves it.

i've proven it so many times. He has really been faithful in giving the big returns. i just give back to God what belongs to Him, and He returns it "pressed down, shaken together, running over!" ika nga sa Tagalog, "siksik, liglig, umaapaw!" He can never really be outdone!

so, where's the cheating thing? ahh, it's when we aren't giving what duly belongs to Him. we're not really cheating on Him, but we are cheating on ourselves from the gifts of giving.

Malachi said,

"I ask you, is it right for a person to cheat God? Of course not, yet you are cheating me. 'How?' you ask. In the matter of tithes and offerings. A curse is on all of you because the whole nation is cheating me."

Malachi 3:8-9

let's then be generous in giving. remember, "it is in giving that we receive" - so much more: "siksik, liglig, umaapaw!"

be thankful for what is there

2010-09-26T23:17:00.000+08:00

this morning while brushing my teeth, i suddenly focused on the usual place of the doormat. “where’s the doormat here? did you wash it?,” i asked with utmost innocence. my youngest brother just pointed where the doormat is – that’s where i was just a split second before i asked him! i even stepped on it! i could only utter, “sometimes i can be really so blind!” and i just smiled at myself.

it sounds funny and probably utterly crazy, but it really made me think that i can be so blind most of the times – blind to God’s blessings! i can hear God telling me, “yes, you are.” His head is probably shaking because of disappointment.

blessings upon blessings He pours on me. yet, i tend to overlook them most of the times.

it’s because i’m pining for a car when i should be grateful that He continuously keeps me safe even if I’m taking the public ride and going home any time i want.

it’s because i’m wanting my own house when i should be grateful for the safety under the roof of our rented condo unit because i am not yet able to buy myself one.

it’s because i’m always aiming for higher salary when I should be thankful for how much i earn now because i normally wouldn’t be paid such.

it’s because i’m mulling over the low prices of shares few months back when i should be thankful that i have extra money now to buy the stocks i want.

and many other stuff i want instead of being thankful for what is already there.

with this attitude, i miss the blessings, i miss the fun, i miss the opportunity to thank and praise God. i always justify and rationalize why my unfulfilled wants should be granted in the first place; probably, there’s no purity of intentions to start with. it’s like wanting something for the wrong reason and using the fulfilled “dream” for the wrong intention. how on earth can i be satisfied?

there could still be something dark lurking in the corners of my heart not wanting to come out in the open. or could it be my mind having dates with the devil and believing all his lies all the time? oh crap! am i losing my point? i feel not. i really just need a thankful mindset and a grateful heart to drive the blues away and make my heart see. just like letting the things of the past be a thing of the past. accept, embrace, let go, and start anew. believe in God’s promises.

be thankful for what is there, open up my heart to the graces and blessings i have, be grateful under all circumstances. after all, everything happens for the good of those who love the Lord (Romans 8:28).

trading & investing with citiseconline

2010-09-23T13:25:00.000+08:00

it's my third stock market day today. the first day was really nerve wracking for me haha! i initially planned to do investing alone. and even if i was doing the citiseconline's easy investment program (eip), it took me the whole trading hours to buy my shares! supposedly, i have to buy at the prevailing price because i am aiming for cost averaging. but no! i am wanting to buy at lower price every time hehe.. i was so eager, i posted an order at a price higher than what i was aiming at because i wanted to see that the status of my order was "executed!" then the price suddenly dropped. lesson learned: wait and proper timing.

first trading day, i bought small shares from three companies: two of them i put in my eip account (long-term trading); the other one, for short-term or day trading.

second trading day, i got more anxious because i wasn't able to buy any shares. i was just monitoring philippine stock exchange's ticker tape (the one you see at the top of my posts). i posted orders at very cheap prices hehe..obviously, no one wanted to sell their stocks at that price. toinkz!

third trading day, that's today, i am able to buy small shares again from another company. :) and i had to wait until the market is almost closed! at least, my patience paid off. i was able to buy at the price i targeted on the second trading day. :) however, i am still waiting for one more company. i'll post order at much cheaper price tomorrow haha!

when i was still a highschooler, i was just looking at the business section of newspapers scanning for the gainers and losers in the stock market. now, i'm playing! God is really good!

btw, my portfolio's green during the trading hours. hope it remains green until i reach my target price! :)

happy trading!

to buy a condo unit or not?

2010-09-17T05:04:00.008+08:00

(photo source: www.xtremefinance.co.uk)

in my reality, the question is "to loan for a condo unit or not?" :)

with the advent of tahanan, a privilege pldt employees can enjoy, anything about buying house and lot or condominium units or renovating or improving houses has become a buzz and a fashion for most of the employees lately. and obviously, the tahanan fever has bitten me, infected my blood, reached my brain cells, awakened the dream house that is half asleep, and left me dazed.

at my age now, i don't have millions yet in whatever vault there is on earth. it's a product of around average family background, financial mismanagement, happy-go-lucky mindset, i-want-these-and-those-now modes, one-time big-time attitude, manana habit, credit card fad, and so many other reasons i can think of. anyway, more on my financial blunder some other time. hehe

my choice is now either
(1) get a loan now and purchase our own condo unit, pay the mortgage for the next 25 years (which sounds like working for the rest of my life), and spare myself and my sister from paying our monthly rent that is about more than half of the mortgage (well, we've been renting a condo unit for almost 5 years now and we've already spent more than half a million on that. crazy eh? how we're surviving? ask our BIG GOD!)

(2) keep on renting until i've (we've) saved up bucks enough to pay the downpayment alone (let the monthly amortization worry for itself), which will take me around 1 to 2 years more (that's another almost 0.2 million spent on a unit we cannot own).

the second option is much simpler, isn't it? but, the first option is a good piece of investment in the long run, right? which is a wiser choice? whatchatink?

the bible says, "don't build your house and establish a home until your fields are ready, and you are sure that you can earn a living" (proverbs 24:27) and that "anyone who borrows money to build a house is just collecting stones for his own tomb" (sirach 21:8).

haaaaaaays. i would like to think that the above verses are only applicable if someone is jobless or is 6 feet under debt or is simply not a bible believer. :(

i remembered when we almost purchased a unit somewhere along taft early this year. we really didn't have savings. all we had was the desire to have our own. it was a hurried decision, filled with an imperfect mixture of excitement, worry, pride, faith, and anxiety. i felt like whatever will happen after, we have to have the unit. good thing it turned out to be two thumbs down. when we got home, my sister and i felt like suddenly we were so rich even if we only had few hundreds on hand because weeks and days before we saw the unit, we're both head over heels on where we'll get all the money we'll need in paying for that unit! what a great relief! haha! that was indeed a crazy, funny, humbling learning experience for me.

it's a bit different now though. well, i still don't have that savings i need for the downpayment, but i'm more relaxed and guided.

i'm still thinking about my final decision. gotta ask around from the wise heads and the concerned group of people.

it's a tough one to make.

definitely.

GodWhispers :)

2010-09-16T21:16:00.002+08:00

September 16, 2010

Dear rechelle,

Everyone else sees who you were yesterday. I see who you will be tomorrow.
Everyone else sees your past. I see your future.

Shine,
God

P.S. rechelle, never define yourself by your mistakes. Define yourself by
your destiny.

love it! i want to live each day with this in mind :) hope you do, too.

(this is from GodWhispers. i receive this daily by being a member of TrulyRichClub by Bo Sanchez [if the link doesn't work, just copy and paste the following link in your browser and it will get you there: http://bosanchezmembers.com/amember/go.php?r=7492]).

be a member of TrulyRichClub, be blessed, and be a blessing to others as well!!!

citiseconline approved!

2010-09-16T12:08:00.001+08:00

i just received a call from shan (customer relations officer from citiseconline [COL])! she told me my application to COL has been approved! woooohooooo! after two months of delay since my sister and i attended COL's free seminar ("investing in the stock market today"), my application got approved in less than 24 hours! praise God!

i'll tell you more about this next time. greater things are still to be done in my life! :)

next step: funding my online account. :)

for more information, you may ask me questions or go to citiseconline's web site.

of typos end rong gramar

2010-09-01T21:35:00.006+08:00

did i tell you that i'm a copyeditor and not a writer?

great.

either way, i still overlook my errors and write whatever pops out of my head.

just feel free to correct my typos and wrong grammar if that would appease your agitated sight and thoughts.

i remembered i was rereading a journal entry i wrote about half a decade ago, and instead of re-living the moment, i ended up inserting words and correcting the tense of the verbs i used. funny but true.

in life, i also tend to overlook missing words or punctuation marks, dangling modifiers, wrong grammars, and all that. but then, that's where the fun of living life is, and finding them out and correcting them if applicable is learning. oh, if only it is that easy.

anyway, minimal editing only please. :)

filthy inside

2010-09-01T21:25:00.004+08:00

last august 25, i read about the following passage in the bible. the gospel for that day actually.

Jesus said, "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, you hypocrites. You are like whitewashed tombs, which appear beautiful on the outside, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and every kind of filth. Even so, on the outside you appear righteous, but inside you are filled with hypocrisy and evildoing."

Matthew 23:27-28

the first time i heard about the above (more than 3 years ago), i was badly hit. bull's-eye. it's as if the gates of heaven opened wide, and saint matthew, with his roaring voice, singled me out of the gazillion people on Earth and read to me that passage as if giving me a verdict.

surely, i cried. oh, if only tears could ever wash away the filth inside.

it haunted me since then and never left me until i had a good confession about late last year. pretty stubborn eh? yes, i was (and still am).

God had to drag me to where i was just so that i will have no choice but to reconcile with Him. and i'm so glad He won me back and i followed His lead. now, i'm happily serving Him through the feast manila.

however, that doesn't make me a saint. and probably, i won't be. haha! neither it makes me filth-free. i still have moments of lying, i still easily get mad, i still say and do stupid and mean things, and i still stumble on sin.

the only difference is that i learned to get up and move on and strive to fulfill the good life that God wants me to have. He never stopped chasing me and He never will. for that, i'm thankful and blessed.

i'm glad to be a God's work-in-progress. i believe i can never go wrong in life at the end of it all. :)

spiritual what???

2010-08-31T11:21:00.006+08:00

twice i've heard the talk that mentioned spiritual hypothermia – first at the picc feast then at the manila feast.

have you been inflicted with that? i hope not.

for me, spiritual hypothermia is simply apathy.

or numbness.

or emotionless.

or blank stare.

it made me wonder if life has taught me to be apathetic at times. or it could be that i've learned how to control my emotions throughout the years.

just like in my first space shuttle ride, when everyone else were screaming, i just let out a very faint and short "waaaaaaaaaaaah" and fell silent all throughout the ride. sure i felt like my stomach was emptied, and i felt losing several pounds after that, but then, that was just that. how's that for apathy?

remember also my previous entry about my lola? i felt nada (at least for the first few months after her death).

sometimes, i actually don't know what to feel or how to feel. it's as if i'm overanalyzing things at times. there are also moments when i'd feel so sad, and i'd just cry - cry over nasty things that have happened and feel bad about the effects they had on me. but then after a long cry, i'd suddenly stop and utter, "so what?"

probably, i'm just so new to other emotions, and i am just afraid to feel them. i probably just know about crying, anger, and laughter. other stuff, i don't know yet so my crazy head will do the work of knowing how and what to react or feel.

poor brain. it's been overfunctioning for a long time, taking care of even the "matters of the heart." i'm wondering when will i ever learn other emotions? i'm wondering when will my tears unearth other feelings?

they say pain is the only antidote for spiritual hypothermia - that's what keeps you alive. i've got tons of it already. weren't they enough to keep me from being apathetic at times? well, i guess i have to charge it to my brain.

i'm learning and trying to cope up with it though, and life has been so generous to send different events my way to keep me learning about my unknown emotions. :)

awesome!

what's that word again?

awesome?

uhuh, sounds nice.

remembering my beloved grandmother

2010-08-24T14:42:00.010+08:00

the birthday feeling is still all over me. belated birthday greeters still abound. later today, i will meet with my caring group for our regular meetings and my postbirthday celebration as well. on thursday, my office friends and i will go out for our "traditional august birthdays" (that started only last year though, haha). next week, i'll see my college friends for another celebration. wonderful!

i so love it -- nowadays. because for so many years in the past, i stopped celebrating my birthday.

here's why:

i am sort of a grandmother's girl. and because i was not expressive in my affection when i was still a kid, i never really got to make her feel how much i love her. she died on my 19th birthday, and i was not by her side (i was a second-year college student back then). days before that, she was confined in the ICU and had to undergo dialysis at her age of 89. i saw her for the last time and finally got the courage to tell her that i love her when she could no longer speak, lying helplessly on the ICU bed, and tubes were all over her body. that was a pitiful sight for me. too late for me, i should say. no amount of tears can bring back the times i spent with her without me telling her that i love her.

august 21, all i could do was whisper a prayer to God to heal my nanay (as we fondly call her) as a gift for me. i told God to take away her pain and make her well. i wanted more time for her and me as well.

august 22, afternoon, after i got back from school, my cousin broke the news about her death. i cried -- a lot. that was a wednesday, and we had to wait until friday before we can go back to batangas to be with her. that was also my last cry.

as ironic as it may sound, i didn't cry in the following days even during her interment. probably, i was in denial. sure i was. every single day of the christmas vacation following her death was like she was just in the backyard and doing her usual stuff. i remembered i innocently even asked my sisters who were they going to visit in the cemetery one time. denial.

i only let out the tears again during the death of a famous local actress, nida blanca, several months after. it's only then i felt that nanay is already gone. and everytime we reminisce nanay in family conversations, i would cry. regret, i must say. guilt as well. all these happened in 2001. i stayed that way for almost six years. and so was my attitude toward my birthday celebration.

i only came back to my senses when my college friends gave me a birthday card that says:

funny and touching for me as well.

oh well, i'm doing pretty good these days. of course, i still remember my nanay, but i have learned to forgive myself. i have also learned my lessons. as clicheic as it may sound, let's express our love to everyone we love while there's still time. we really gotta love that lovin' feeling! :)

to my dear nanay, i miss you so much! this is for you. i'm looking forward to the day when we'll be together in heaven. Father God, i know you're reading this as well. i still have many things to do for You, so that means, i gotta live long enough to accomplish those, right? right. :)

birthday

2010-08-23T04:09:00.005+08:00

i feel extra loved today (i mean yesterday..it's already 02:48 of august 23, and i'm still wide awake haha). i didn't get tired of replying to each and every birthday greeting posted on my [facebook] wall. i used to list (yes, i mean longhand) the names of people (and their messages) who remembered me on my special day and see if the number equals my age. now, i didn't try to do that. i received messages more than twice my age haha! i am so grateful to God because He really has His own ways of making me feel that i am so loved. i even went emotional over some friends' messages.

i was supposed to go home to batangas last saturday to be with my parents, but i chose to stay here in manila and attend the picc feast this (yesterday) morning. that one's a great blessing. and that's another story. my siblings and i also planned to eat out for a change, but because savory hasn't opened yet in harrison plaza, we opted to stay in the house and had our bonding moment over pizza from shakey's (grand slam), pancit malabon, and choco and mocha rolls. we had ice cream earlier in the day. it was fun! it is always fun to just eat with them, joke around, and watch TV together. well, i slept around 16:00 that's why probably i am still wide awake till now.

august 13 actually marked the start of my birthday celebration. it was supposedly a simple dinner date with my friends bart, mara, and jules in chili's to catch up with each other's stories, but they cooked up something unexpected. i don't know who first thought of that idea, but that one's a real surprise (literally and figuratively) haha! thanks guys!

(birthday "token" from chili's)

and the magic continues. my favorite pba team, the alaska aces, won their 13th title last august 18!!!! i wasn't there in araneta coliseum to personally witness their feat though (do i hear work?!). i just got to watch the replay few hours ago. nonetheless, that was an early birthday gift i should say. happiness really!

and this blog site is an answered prayer. i've long been wanting to set up a blog site, but i couldn't find the time and the courage, especially knowing that i only used to write journal entries that are for personal consumption haha!

so much for that, it has been a great day of just being grateful and contemplating over the blessings i received. i believe there are still more to come, and the celebration will still continue :-)

looking back

2010-08-21T22:42:00.006+08:00

in few hours, i'll be turning 28! yes, 28 years of existence here on earth. i've been into ups and downs, zigs and zags, bumps and jumps of life. actually, i'm expecting more of those in the years to come. i guess those are what make my life beautiful. i learned to cope up with the brokenness through prayers, retreat, service, self-love, and with the help of my great family and friends. though there were times back then when i chose to wallow in my sadness and despair, i still get up and show up again and again and again. that's life, isn't it? either i let myself get drowned in it or i can choose to swim upward and live a happy life. of course, i am choosing the latter.