Is she going to reply, or not?

The situation is all too common. You have been having some contact with a girl that you like and you’re texting each other. Everything seems to be good, until suddenly it seems like she doesn’t respond anymore or if she does, she only replies in short sentences and only once in a while.

This post is not meant to fix the situation or to make her reply more often. No, this post is about you and about what you should do when a girl doesn’t respond to your text.

The first thing I want you to do is to take a look at yourself and ask what the problem really is. Do you get insecure because you think that she doesn’t like you anymore? Do you feel regret because you think that you wrote her something wrong?

If any of these sound just a little bit like you, I think I have the solution.

My opinion on texting

In my opinion, texting girls can be an absolutely fun and great thing to do. I see it as very possible to both make a girl smile over a text, to invite her out over a text and to thank her for the evening over a text.

My only problem with texts is just that a lot of people seem to text instead of actually being together, and to thereby replace real interaction and conversation with a few words on a screen.

So when we’re talking about texting, we have to keep your objective in mind. If you don’t really know what you’re doing and don’t have a clear plan in your head (or at least something that reminds of it), think about that first.

Are you texting this girl because you want to invite her out? If so, why don’t you just call her up and invite her out? Or are you texting her because you don’t know if she likes you enough for her to yes if you would invite her out? Well, take a chance, call her up and spare both you and her all the unnecessary texts.

I totally understand flirting over text messages, but I have also seen one to many times that flirting has led to absolutely nothing… But her not replying.

Female mentality

See, most women (and people in general) will feel that anything new is interesting. If you met a girl and you’re now texting her, you’re still new and haven’t screwed up anything yet. That’s great. So don’t let it slip out in the sand by not taking any kind of action (like inviting her to something that will let you become closer)

Because if you don’t, she will probably become bored. And because of your missing ability to take action, she will probably also lose respect for you. And a mixture of those two things can lead to her stopping replying to your texts.

What to do when she doesn’t respond

So what you need to do when a girl doesn’t respond to your text is first of all to sit down and think about why you’re texting her in the first place. If it is to gain something concrete, like a date, be sure that your texts have been guiding you to that goal. If they haven’t, you have to learn from it and do it better next time or start doing it right now.

If she doesn’t reply, my advice is to call her up or text her one more time commenting her absence. But don’t make it sound like your life depends on whether or not she replies – because it doesn’t, right?

Simply write something like “Hey, Kate, I’ll try again since it doesn’t seem like you got my text, or perhaps I didn’t get your reply. You can’t trust technology… But to get to the point; are you up for a cozy night this Friday?”

And then if she still doesn’t reply, that makes the situation really easy. Either she is plain rude, or she doesn’t like you that much. Both make it incredibly easy for you to forget about her and find someone nicer who also likes you better. To me, that’s a win-win.

But it all depends on the last text she didn’t reply to

When all that is said, there is one thing that I find is very important to add. If she didn’t reply to some text that she didn’t need to reply to, waiting for a reply is a plain waste of time. Don’t put too much thought into it, because when it all comes down, a text is just a text.

Sometimes she didn’t get it. Sometimes you didn’t get the reply. Sometimes she didn’t have the time to reply when she saw it and forgot about it. Sometimes she didn’t feel like it needed a reply. Sometimes she is just a woman and therefore unexplainable.

The last words

So in short, if you have a question that needs answering, call her up – that’s your safest bet. Or if you see her in real life, that’s even better. Just ask her whatever you wanted to ask her face to face.

Even though it may sound harsh, waiting for replies to text messages is rather immature, and it sure as hell doesn’t help anything. Instead, my advice is to take action and do something about it instead of sitting around all day waiting.

But maybe it’s just me. What’s your thoughts about the matter? Do you have any strategies for waiting for text message replies? Feel more than free to share them in the comments!

Image by Moritz Petersen.

I am a big believer of the power that our subconciousness holds – so big a believer actually that I believe it is the key to solving most, if not all of our problems.

Whether it’s physical or psychological, if you know how, you can harness the unlimited power of your subconcious to deal with anything you want it to.

There are tons of ways to do it, with some being a lot more complicated than others. Today we will talk about the easiest one, and my absolute favorite: sleeping.

Sleep your way out of pain

Sleeping is in many ways crucial to our health and well-being, yet many people seem to not take it too seriously.

Getting a good night’s sleep can make all the difference in the world when it comes to taking dietary decisions (eg. keeping your hands of that muffin) and dealing with pain.

Even though all the physiological benefits from a healthy sleep are more than worth talking about, today the subject is pain, and more specifically pain related to break-ups and heartbreak.

Getting dumped or breaking up sucks – that is definitely not a secret.

But how to deal with them in the best possible way is a secret, and it is by no means an easy task.

Even though there are tons and tons of things that you can do (and not do!) – you learn all about them in my comprehensive guide to getting over your ex, the ex-girlfriend solution – to make a break-up quicker and filled with less pain, one of the most efficient things you can do is to get really good sleep.

When you are well-rested, your mind handles unpleasant thoughts in a whole different way than if it is tired and vulnerable. The thought of your ex-girlfriend kissing some new guy suddenly doesn’t bother you – where as if you were tired that same thought would have thrown you off completely from what you were doing and made you feel at unrest for hours.

Accepting what you can’t accept

In addition to making you able to handle bad thoughts, and real situations too, for that matter, getting a good night’s sleep can also help you both accept and get over things that otherwise seem to not want to be accepted or gotten over – all through your dreams.

Why we dream is something that we don’t have a definitive answer to, but my personal belief (and that of several scientists, too) is that we dream to handle our everyday life more efficiently.

Dreaming helps us by steering us in the right direction, organizing our thoughts and yes, even to accept the things we can’t change and throw out the things we don’t need.

Getting the maximum benefit from dreaming is closely related to getting it from sleeping – which you get by getting consistent quality sleep.

How to get all the benefits?

So now you easily see why getting quality sleep can make a huge difference, but how to get it?

What amounts to quality sleep is individual, but there are criteria which are almost universal.

Here are 5 tips:

• Feel safe and comfortable in your bed. A good mattress and a comfy pillow are well worth the money.
• Rather have your bedroom a bit too cold than too hot.
• Not just go to bed, but sleep before midnight. I actually like sleeping before 10.30, but I also wake up pretty early.
• The earlier you go to bed, the less sleep you need, but opt for 7-8 hours.
• Wind down at least half an hour before sleeping. Shut off electronics, dim the lights and relax. Writing a diary, reading or having a soothing conversation seems to do the trick.

That’s it! Of course there are more things to it – I for example always sleep better if I have been working out that day, but these are the basics. If you follow the tips, the benefits of better sleep will be instantaneous. And over time you will feel like a brand new person – stronger, happier and better prepared for both the big and the small challenges in life.

Experimenting with what you find the most effective way to sleep according to your specific lifestyle is something that I really recommend, though. It took me years to figure out, but I really thrive on getting up as early as five or six in the morning. The only way to know what works for you is to try it for a while and see how it feels.

Also, don’t forget to check out my articles: 15 Good Practices for Getting a Good Nights Sleep and Dreaming About Your Ex-Girlfriend – What Does It Mean?

A lot of men have been asking me almost the same question lately, and it goes something along the lines of “I don’t have a problem getting dates with girls, but I have a problem getting them to stick around and keeping them interested. How do I keep them intrigued, and how do I get it to go as far as to evolve into a relationship?”

Even though dating lots of girls and having short relationships with some of them can feel fulfilling for a while, what most guys really want is a girl with whom he can share his life. A girl to live with, laugh with, go on vacation with, to love, and if everything goes well, perhaps also start a family with.

To get to this level of intimacy with another human being sounds difficult on paper, but is really the most natural thing in the world to do when it all comes down to it. When you have some basic foundations down, the rest is a breeze and shouldn’t feel forced in any way.

Where to meet your future girlfriend

Let me start out by making one thing clear: going into a conversation with a girl expecting her to be your future girlfriend will not help your endeavors – and so will thinking that the girl you met a week ago will be your future wife, neither. But more on expectations later on.

Meeting girls with “romantic potential” is not difficult – it can be done anywhere. But if you want to find a quality girl (and you want to find a quality girl, but more on that later on, too) you can help yourself a whole lot by not just looking at, but also being at, the right places.

Your lifestyle

And being at the right places really comes down to your lifestyle – which kind of person are you? What do you like to do, and what don’t you like to do?

If you’re into intelligent women, it makes sense to hang out at places where there’s a probability that intelligent women also like to hang out. And as you like intelligent women, you’re most likely intelligent yourself. So why don’t you go to a book club? Or if you like women who are into health and fitness, why don’t you go to the gym or to a yoga class?

Point is, to meet the kind of woman that you find attractive, you have to hang out at places where they hang out. And where you hang out comes down to your lifestyle – so if you feel like you don’t meet the women you’d like to meet, you have to make a few changes to yours.

Do something!

So in short, do stuff that you like to do, stuff that you think you might like to do and stuff you know you like but for some reason or the other just don’t do because of procrastination.

If you start doing that, there’s no chance that you won’t meet more interesting women – while showing yourself to be more interesting at the same time, too.

Volunteering places (homeless shelters, animal caring), cooking classes, fitness and dance classes, acting classes and language classes are all good places.

But it’s important to note that your sole purpose for going to these places shouldn’t be to meet girls – it should be to have fun, meet some like minded people and to learn something new.

What to do when you meet her

As I said earlier, it’s generally not a good idea to have too high expectations about a girl, and the reason is twofold: First of all, before you know her intimately (in all senses of the word), you don’t really know how well you fit together. And before you do that, you shouldn’t put her on a pedestal as you simply don’t know if she’s worth it.

And secondly, thinking “more” about a girl than what’s realistic can really creep her out – and especially if she’s what I’d call a ‘high quality girl’; high self-esteem, confident, independent and cute as h**l – she will see it as a huge sign that you aren’t what in turn would be called a high quality man.

So what you should do instead is to take things slow in a natural tempo. Get to know her casually (while keeping that sly smile of yours), spend some time with her and do some things together that you both enjoy.

So now we’re actually where the whole question originated. You have met her, you have approached her and now you’re dating.

So now you wanna keep it going, perhaps taking it to a fully blown exclusive relationship?

Taking it further

Well, first of all let’s talk about qualifying. Is she worth it? Is she the kind of girl that you would like to spend your future with? If not, don’t be a d**k and let her think otherwise. And perhaps even more important, don’t fool yourself into thinking that you “should” like her or that it’s the right thing to do or some other bullshit. If you don’t see the potential or don’t see yourself loving her for years on end, don’t even think about going there.

If she is worth it though, you’re in luck. There’s no ambiguity on your part and you can act honestly.

One thing that I see going wrong too often is the man not being totally clear about his intentions. This the woman of course will pick up on way before him, and that will lead to her not being able to trust him completely. This will confuse him and make him even more unsure and there you have it – a perhaps beautiful relationship down the drain, just because he didn’t know what he wanted.

Know what you want and you will get it

So always always always be sure of yourself and what you want. You don’t have to know that you want to share your life with her – just know that you see potential in her and that you would like to get to know her better.

And as long as you can do it without coming off as an insecure ass-licker, I see no problem in telling her about your intentions. You have to be both brave and bold to tell a girl that you would genuinely like to get to know her even better, and she will appreciate it. If not for you actually liking her (who knows, maybe she just came out of an abusive relationship and needs some time – whatever the reason) she will at least respect you for having the balls to know what you want and then actually going after it.

So that was it for managing expectations, qualifying her and your intentions. Now let’s take a look on how you make yourself attractive to her.

How to really be attractive to women

A lot has been said on the subject of becoming the type of man that women will crave to be with. A lot of good things have be said, but underneath it all, it seems like there has been a huge misconception.

A lot of the advice like being fit, dressing well, smelling good etc. makes a lot of sense from the perspective that some traits are universally attractive to women. And I agree – a lot of traits are.

Know who you are

But what really is most attractive to women is that you know who you are, and that you do all that stuff because it aligns with you, not because it aligns with someone’s expectations or some generalities that may or may not be true.

If you know what you want out of life and how to get it and then actually also live your life after that, I’ll tell you one thing: THAT’S attractive.

Forget six-pack’s, fitted suits, nice cars, grooming and good food. Hell, even forget the environment for just a moment.

If you are capable of following your own moral code for what’s right and wrong, if you know how to make yourself proud and how to challenge yourself and how to grow and how to become truly happy, that really is what is most attractive in the end.

Sure, most women would like a man that they don’t feel ashamed about and a man that is capable to take care of both them and the children someday. But that’s not really the point – it’s not the “level” I am thinking about.

Passion

What I really am talking about is your passion. Follow your heart, and the rest will come naturally. Mix that in with being honest and taking some good decisions along the road, and you have a pretty foolproof recipe for a good life.

If you know what makes you happy, and you act on that, all the time, nothing can get to you. No rejection can throw you off track and no failure is a failure.

If you don’t know what makes you happy though, you have to do some soul-searching. Supply that with doing a lot of things that you find interesting, and you will find out sooner than later.

Conclusion

This is by no means everything when it comes to getting and keeping a girlfriend in your life. But if you abide by at least some of these things, your chances of finding that special girl will be somewhere around 23 to 65% better. Seriously.

Now let me know what you think in the comments. What do you think is important when trying to keep a girl or to find out if she’s “worth it” for a long-term relationship?

Ps. And by the way, I have been having some trouble with the discussion board lately and have been forced to remove them, at least momentarily, because of spam issues. Sorry for the inconvenience!

Images by Abdulmajeed and EpSos.

Hey guys! A few days ago, I got an email from my friend Adam who in turn recently had been getting an email from his ex-girlfriend, Charlotte. I thought that the email and his response was so good that I wanted you guys to see it.

The email Adam sent me:

“Hi Alex,
I just wanted to show you the following two emails between my exgf and I. After two and a half years together, she dumped me 6 months ago, and emailed me yesterday informing me that she’s now in a new relationship. I hope it may be of some help to some of the guys out there. Sorry it’s so epic – these things rarely aren’t. I might just add that your book helped me muster the strength to get my head and heart in the right place. Thanks bro.”

The email from Charlotte

From: Charlotte XXXXXXXX <XXXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com>
To: Adam XXXXXXXX<adamXXXXXXX@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, 30 January 2012 9:25 PM

“Hi Adam,
Over the past few weeks I have been trying to figure out how to bring up something important.  Even in our situation, where there is no anger or resentment, continuing to have emotional and reflective conversations is still difficult and painful.  Hurting you has been very hard for me to bear.  I’m glad that you are back on your feet and doing well, but it does not make this any easier.  I have to tell you that I have started a relationship with someone.  I know we briefly talked before Christmas about what would happen if either of us moved on, but I don’t know what your reaction is going to be. I am sorry that I am doing this via an email, but honestly Adam, I’ve tried to envisage telling you in person but I can’t sit in front of you and hurt your feelings again. After we broke up I was determined to maintain a positive relationship with you because I never wanted you to think that I didn’t care how you felt or that I didn’t care about you.  But chatting on the phone and meeting up without me telling you what’s happening in my life is dishonest and I don’t want to be that person.  If this changes how you feel about remaining in contact with each other, I will understand, but please know that I don’t want to lose contact with you.

Charlotte”

Adam’s response

“To be honest Charlotte, I’m relieved.

I’ve been preparing myself for this for nearly six months, and I feel that now I can finally move on with my life. These past few months have been the hardest I’ve had to endure. Identifying and addressing ones own faults and perceived inadequacies hasn’t been the easiest thing to do. But I feel that I needed to go through all that, and the pain of losing you, to become the person I am now. I’m no longer the sniffling heartbroken insecure boy I was six months ago, but the confident and self-assured man I’ve always wanted to be. The hard work hasn’t stopped, and it never will.

I can understand why you told me this via email, but I’m both angry and hurt that you did. I dont feel like you have extended me the courtesy and respect that I deserved during this break-up, just because you’ve found it difficult to talk about emotional and reflective issues and have been afraid of what my reaction might be. I’m really disappointed in us that this is how we ended up after two and a half years together. Having said that, telling me you’re in a relationship with someone else wouldn’t have been easy. I accept it, I respect you for it, regardless of how you went about doing it. I’m happy for you, even though I feel this person has been around for some time now.

Despite all that’s gone on these past few months, I still have the same feelings, thoughts and desires for you Charlotte. It’s for these reasons I’ve decided not to remain in contact with you. I can’t allow myself to accept second best, which is what you’re asking me to do. To be brutally honest, I dont know how to be your friend after I’ve given you my whole for so long; faulty though it may have been. We might be able to develop a friendship after a good deal of time has passed and we have both moved on emotionally, but I cant see that happening for me in the forseeable future. This means I will not be in contact with your family anymore, and we both have to entertain the possibility that a friendship between us might never happen.

There are other reasons why we cant be friends. I know you care for me and still have feelings for me, but I wont allow myself to linger in the wings while you pursue a relationship with someone else. You might find comfort and emotional security in having me there, but everytime your name pops up on my phone, in my inbox or you ‘like’ or comment on something of mine on Facebook, I get a kick in the teeth as a bitter reminder of everything I’ve lost. I simply refuse to let myself get hurt like that any more. Given all the things we’ve shared and done together, I can understand why you want to be friends. But you cant have it both ways. I also feel you wont be treating your new partner with the dignity and respect they deserve in your new relationship if I were still on the scene.

Im in a much better place now. After ten years of working at it, I finally got my dream job. Im writing pretty much full-time, and now get paid to travel to Europe each year doing what I love the most. I finish my PhD in a little over a year, and am now making great progress towards it, with the promise of a publishing contract at the end. With the new job, I’ve finally got my finances together, and am looking forward to my trip to the States in June/July. I now have a place to live that nobody can take away from me, and the new job has enabled me to start saving for a deposit on my own apartment. Im spending much more quality time with my family and friends, and am making new friends all the time. I’ve dropped a little under 10kgs since August, and I’m the fittest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m not yet ready for a relationship, but I’m casually dating four women who like me for my confidence, success, ambition and bearing. I’m loving my photography again, and am keeping my life in perspective through the work I’m doing with St Vincent de Paul. I will never go back to where I was before.

I’ve certainly learned a great deal about love, life and relationships these past few years with you. I’ve learned how to manage them, how to enjoy them, what to do in the future and what not to do. I wouldn’t have been able to learn those valuable lessons without you.

I would have liked to have had this discussion in person so I could say goodbye the way I wanted to, but I’m not going to make things harder for you than what they already are. I think it’s best we leave it here.

I hope you find the ever-elusive happiness you’ve been searching for for so long Charlotte.

Take care you. And be kind to yourself.”

Almost needless to say, Adam told me in a later email that Charlotte didn’t handle his response too well. He has been getting some abusive phone messages and a demand that he owes her money – which he of course won’t give in to. She’s hurt, angry and confused that he’s able to stand up for himself like this, so it’s a natural reaction.

What do you guys think of the emails? Did he do the right thing? Let me know in the comments and we’ll have a discussion!

Image by Aubry Aragon.

Note from Alex: This is taken from my ebook The Ex-Girlfrend Solution. It helps to lay the foundation for the rest of my teachings by discussing how getting over an ex before getting back together with her can actually be very beneficial to both you and her.

It is almost impossible for me to count the amount of guys I have spoken to about their ex-girlfriends over the years, but it sure is a lot. If I should do a recap, the theme that has occurred the most is this:

Girl dumps Guy, Guy is confused, Girl is equally confused so she keeps calling him, Guy misinterprets the calls and wants her back, Girl finds someone new and Guy is hurt all over again.

This happens very often, and it is a terrible situation. The situation has many variations, but it usually ends the same way. And the worst part of it all is that the man in this has absolutely no power and no control. The girl is in charge, and the man is left to be her marionette puppet.

Don’t make the same mistakes

The reason that I am telling you this is because I don’t want you to make the same mistake as so many have done before you. If you’re in a break-up right now, I don’t want you to sit around the phone, waiting for her call, focusing your every thought on her for the next few weeks or even months.

Instead, I want you to enjoy your life and tackle this situation as smoothly as you can. I want you to feel hurt if you’re hurt, I want you to be sad if you’re sad, but I also want to help you move forward and become a better man in the end.

You have to put in the work

That process will only become drawn out if you don’t work hard right from the beginning on getting over her. Let me elaborate:

The number one reason that most guys want their ex-girlfriends back is because they are scared of the unknown territory that they are getting into if they are left lonely. Most guys are terrified that they won’t find someone as good as her again, or that they are not good enough to get a new girlfriend.

Not everybody knows this about themselves, but when you dig deep enough, that’s usually the underlying reason.

The only reason for wanting to get back together with your ex that I can truly accept is this: You have to be better for each other when you are together than when you are apart. But to come to that realization takes a lot of soul-searching.

It’s not easy. And the best way to do find out for sure is to actually, even though it may sound counterproductive, get over her first.

If you can eliminate the emotional factor in the decision, you will stand a much better chance to look at it in an objective way.

And on top of that, if you decide in the end that you were better together and you decide to give it another try, you will have grown considerably from the process and maybe even got rid of the behaviour that landed you in this situation in the first place.

A break-up is not neccessarily a bad thing

So, even though it may be a twisted thought-chain, I actually think that you can view your break-up as something beneficial and beautiful. You can see it as a chance for you to figure out what you really want, and a chance for you to grow, both as a man and as a person.

If you are able to get over her, yet still manage to fall in love with her again, your relationship will be stronger and healthier than ever.

The break-up gives you the chance to see that she may not be the woman of your dreams. You get to look through the fog and see her (and yourself, for that matter!) for who she really is.

Note from Alex: If you liked this chapter from my ebook, I am sure that you will also find the other chapters at least as useful. Go check out The Ex-Girlfriend-Solution now!

Image by Celeste

Have you ever been in that situation where you were at this amazing New Year’s party, yet still, you weren’t really enjoying it?

I know that I have. And I know why… It was because I knew that on midnight, I had no one to kiss.

And when everyone around you has a girlfriend or is dating someone, that really gets smacked right in your face.

…Well, tonight you’re not going to be standing alone, watching all the other guys kissing hot girls when the bell hits midnight.

If you want someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve, do this:

When you arrive at the party, be sure to be really social. Introduce yourself to everyone with an upbeat energy and be sure to get to know how they know the host, who they came with etc.

When you have talked to a few people, you can start introducing them to each other.

It doesn’t matter that you aren’t the host – just make people feel at ease, and they’ll instantly like you and perhaps even feel intrigued by you.

(A bonus to doing this is also that you’ll know which girls are single and which girls aren’t)

If walking up to “strangers” to start conversations makes you uncomfortable, remember to simply relax. Stay open, keep breathing and you’ll be fine. Take a look at these posts:

• Start Breathing When It Matters The Most and Get More
• Bantering: Now You Can Get Women, Be Social and Have a Blast at the Same Time
• Why Self Limiting Beliefs are your Worst Enemy when it comes to Approaching Girls
• How Learning to “Talk Woman” will Triple Your Success with Women

Pick the cutest girl

Later on in the night, walk up to one of the cutest (single) girls that you have been talking to.

After some small talk, whisper something like this in her ear: “What do you say… do you want to be my New Year’s date?”

And if she asks you what that would mean or what it implies, you can say that it means that you’ll act like a couple and watch the fireworks together “Perhaps holding hands… We’ll see!”

Be sure to say it with a smile though – you don’t want to come of as a creep!

If she says yes (and she will if you played your cards right) you’re in, pal.

Watch the fireworks with her, and when the bell hits midnight, it will be the most natural thing to kiss her.

Voila! A great evening and a great kiss for just being social and charming at the same time.

And by the way, if you ever feel like you’re “running out of things to say”, just talk about what her year has been like or how she would likw the new year to be. Some interesting conversations can really spur from that.

Thank you!

On another note, I want to thank you all for making 2011 such an awesome year. This year, I have been in close contact with a lot of you, and I will continue to do so in 2012. So if you have any questions regarding dating, relationships or the lack of them, hit me up with a message and we’ll talk. Let’s make 2012 our best year yet together.

Have a great evening everybody, and take care!

Ps. Remember that my offer for the ebook ends TONIGHT. To get The Ex-Girlfriend Solution for $19 instead of $27, act now by clicking here.

Note from Alex: This is just a short chapter from The Ex-Girlfriend Solution answering a common question that I get: “Should You Tell Your New Girl About Your Ex?”

At some point, you will meet a girl. It’s inevitable. And it’s also inevitable that you and her will talk about your previous lovers and relationships. So, what do you tell her about your ex-girlfriend, who caused you so much pain?

Well, it’s quite simple, really.

You tell her the truth. You tell her about the pain you felt and how you moved on. If you still feel some pain, don’t be afraid to tell her that. But make sure that she understands that you have no intentions of ever trying to get back together with her.

Make sure that your new girl knows that she’s the only one for you now. And if she asks if she could hurt you as much as your ex could, once again, speak the truth.

If you think she can, since you have made yourself completely vulnerable to her, tell her. Tell her that if you broke up, you would feel terrible pain and sadness, but that you also know that at some point, it would stop.

That’s the cycle of life.

When speaking about your ex, be cautious. Women (and men) in general have a tendency to measure themselves to your former lovers to see where they stand.

If you think that your new girl is in some way better than your ex, speak freely. Highlight all the things she does that make you happy. But don’t sound like you only like her because she isn’t like your ex – be sure to always give her compliments and like her for who she is and not for who she’s not.

If there are some things that your ex did better than you new girlfriend, it’s dangerous ground. Instead of bringing your ex into the picture, I would rather accept the new girl’s behavior and let your ex go. You can then take it from there.

If you think that your ex-girlfriend was better in many ways and you can’t love your new girlfriend fully because of that, you’re not ready for a new relationship, and you need to spend more time healing.

Note from Alex: If you liked this chapter from my ebook, I am sure that you will also find the other chapters at least as useful. Check it out here while it’s still at a reduced price: The Ex-Girlfriend Solution.

Image by Meredith Farmer.

Vincent Miller: “Your website helped me out a lot. The initial fact that a bunch of people out there were feeling the same way I did made me feel better immediatly. I’m not saying that this cured the whole situation, but after the initial breakup, that helped out a lot.

There is no formula to where we can plug in numbers and find out how long we will be suffering. The suffering is a part of life and we have to go through it to make us the person that we will one day become. You have to look at that suffering as a way of personal growth. That is why I believe that time is the most important factor in getting over someone.

And what does along with time is the absolute need for no contact with the ex-girlfriend. It’s like ripping off a bandaid; when you tear a little bit at a time the pain continues and it hurts everytime you yank at it, but if you just rip it off and turn the other cheek, it’s much easier to move on.

Another thing that helped me out was my career. We broke up a little over a year ago and I had one year left in college before I graduated (including one internship to do) So when I looked to do an internship I looked to the coast and got an internship on an island working outside all day. This took my mind off of everything. I won’t lie – there were days were I would feel sad, however I gave it time and it would pass in a day or two and i would feel better than before.

I was working eighty hour’s a work weeks at a job that I absolutely loved, therefore my mind was instantly taken off of the bad situation. That helped tremendously. Another thing that helped was meeting new people and making new friends.

When I came back from the island I had one semester of school left and moved into an apartment building where I didn’t know anyone. I instantly made a new group of friends and hung out with them all the time. I have also slept with a handful of girls since then which also helps and they are still friends as well.

I would say that these are the most important things that helped me out with this. You have to give yourself time with no contact, you have to do things that you love to get your mind off the whole thing and you have to get out and make new friends. Don’t desert your old friends, just make new ones so that you have options on a lonely night, and get with girls. Don’t just go and expect yourself to start hooking up with a bunch of girls right away, that wouldn’t be healthy. Instead, give yourself time, and when someone comes around who’s worth a shot, you’ll know and you’ll take it!”

“Now I am completely over my ex girlfriend, I rarely ever think about her anymore! It’s awesome because a year ago I was a mess and sick to my stomach to think that I would live without her. Now my life is 10X better; i actually want to be single. I have like two or three girls right now constantly texting me that I could start a relationship with right now but I choose not to. i love everything about being single and this is where I am right now. My standards on women have sky-rocketed, and unless she is something very special, I will not even give her a second look. We might be friends but nothing special. I lowered my standards tremendously for the ex. My life is amazing and I wouldnt change it for a thing, thanks Alex!”

What to take away from this

Vincent says it himself pretty clearly: What helped him the most was to cut off contact with his ex along with experiencing new stuff (both career-wise and girl-wise)

He also touches on an important point right at the end, which is that you shouldn’t jump on the first girl you meet. You have to give yourself time – both to get over your ex, but also to find a girl who you perhaps care for for more than just a one-night stand.

If you’re hurt and think that you won’t become happy again, you’re wrong. I have hundreds of these stories, and I can tell you for sure that you are not alone. It hurts, yes, but you will get over it. If you want to speed up the process and learn all the dirty little tricks, check out my Ex-Girlfriend Solution by clicking here.

As you might remember, I proposed to write a book about getting over your ex-girlfriend, and well, now I have!

It has been a cool process, and I’ll definitely both write more books and update the ex solution later on. (If you buy it now, you’ll get updates for free – for the rest of your life!)

Anyway, check out the official page about the ebook here:
The Ex-Girlfriend-Solution

It includes a video with me talking about some things that you should avoid, and also what to do instead.

Right now, the price is only $19. Just so you know… The price will jump to $27 on January 1.

Check it out right away!

The loss

When we lose something we care for or somebody we love, we can classify it as a loss. A loss is a loss, no matter how it happened or what it revolves around. The differences only lie in the intensity of your emotions and the time it takes for you to heal.

The more intense the feelings for your loss were, the longer time it generally takes for the healing to become complete. If you lose something that you don’t hold too dearly, your emotions hopefully won’t last for too long.

Example: You have spent a few hours baking a cake. When you take it out of the oven and you smell the sweetness and your start to drool and you just want that first bite so much and you have made everything ready… You drop it on the floor and have to trash it. Even though you will become both angry and sad, you will get over it pretty quickly and can most likely laugh about it just a few hours later.

If you on the other hand lose someone that you love, be it a lover or a family member, that same healing process will take considerably longer. It all depends on your exact feelings towards that person, and because of this, there are no definitive answers when it comes to talking about how long it will take.

When you break up with someone, the healing process can take everything from a few minutes to several years. The more intense your feelings for your ex were, the longer time it usually takes to heal – it’s common sense. And the longer time you had been together, the stronger the feelings most likely were. But the way your relationship ended also plays a crucial key in determining how long the healing process will take.

It’s not you, it’s me

If you woke up one morning and thought that everything was a fairytale, but then got the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech later on in the afternoon from your beloved, the shock effect itself will most likely draw out the process. If, on the other hand, you were the one breaking up and you knew exactly why you did so and had thought of it for a long time, the healing process might not be as long. As they say, it all depends…

But no matter what, your feelings and your healing process is your own and it is entirely unique. That’s the main reason that no one can give you the magic words to make the pain disappear and go away.

The process takes time, and both you and I have to respect that. This is not the time to rush through – if you don’t have the time to give yourself the time you need and deserve now, the pain won’t go away and it will only grow stronger if you don’t acknowledge it.

But even though I don’t believe in quick fixes, there are many things that you can do to make the worst pain go away. The pain that you will live with for the most of the healing process is not the type of pain that will make you want to lie sleepless at nights or kill your appetite – it’s more the type of pain which will appear sporadically. It’s realistic that thoughts and feelings of sorrow and remorse will appear even when you don’t want it. Later on in the book, tools will be presented for you to work with to hold these down and make you get over them rather quickly.

In my experience, when dealing with the loss of a lover, the logical progression of emotions looks like this:

Shock - Reaction - Reparation - Reflection

Let me elaborate:

Shock:

This is the phase where the break-up just happened. Your body and brain will try to shut you down emotionally to help shield you from the first wave of pain, and it usually makes you numb. You either can’t or won’t believe that the break-up happened. Objectivity is far away and your emotions are all tangled up and hard to interpret. This is usually the toughest phase, but also the shortest one. The shock phase usually lasts from 3 to 14 days.

Reaction:

After the shock comes the reaction. In this phase you will be very emotional and have feelings of pain, anger and depression. One minute you will shift between being angry with your ex for stuff that she put you through, and the next you will feel sad and lonely and sit in a corner sobbing. It is in the reaction phase where you look back on what happened and what you could have done differently.

Most guys have a tendency to try to analyze everything in this phase, such as reading back on the last few text-messages to see if they could have seen it coming. The reaction phase can take long if you don’t have the right tools to move forward, but with this book in your hand (or on your screen), it is very unlikely that it lasts for more than three weeks.

Reparation:

The reparation phase is the phase that this book will guide you both to and through.

The reaction phase is characterized with you looking backwards and asking yourself questions such as what you could have done differently. But the reparation phase is characterized by looking forward instead. Now the focus is on getting better and moving on with your life. Glimpses of some of the emotions you had in the reaction phase will still be present, but the intervals between them will be much bigger, and whey they do occur, you will be much better prepared to deal with them.

Just as the other phases, the duration of the reparation phase is determined by the intensity of your emotions to your ex-girlfriend. For some, it can take as little as a few weeks, and for other’s it can take several months. In the reparation phase, light is at the end of the tunnel, and you’re moving closer to it one step at a time. The reparation phase ends when you’re fully able to let go and move on.

Reflection:

The reflection phase is not really a phase of a break-up in the same sense as the others, but I decided to include it anyway. In the reflection phase you have gotten over your ex, and as the name implies, now is the time to reflect.

If you neglect this phase, you won’t learn as much from your experiences as you can if you go through it. It is in the reflection phase that you grow as a person and learn from your mistakes, and hopefully, it lasts a long time; at least until you’re hit with a shock again later on in life, if ever. In the reflection phase you will be able to look back at the break-up objectively, and see where it went wrong so you won’t make the same mistakes twice.

Words from Alex: If you liked this chapter, you’ll definitely like the rest of the book…Read more about the book and purchase it by clicking here.

Image by Meredith Farmer