Just Keepin' It Real, Folks!

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-05-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

Wonder what song is playing in her head?

A special thanks to my awesome friend Hot Tamale for posting this video on FaceBook!!!!

Buzz Kill

2013-05-17T07:30:00.000-04:00

DANG folks, yesterday when my friend Mindy texted me this awesome news story from Sweden about a horny guy dying after having sex with a hornet's nest I got busy as a bee writing my blog post for today. It appeared as if a 35 year old man known only as Hasse, who probably sported a buzz cut, had 146 sting marks on his body. The poor dude was even stung where he was hung 54 times. His neighbor described finding his body and said it was so swollen he initially mistook it for a whale carcass, but recognized him from the tattoo on his neck.

The news reports went on to say that dried semen was found on some of the dead wasps, some of the man's pubic hairs were found at the entrance to the nest, and his fingerprints were on the hive itself. Nothing was reported from "bee"hind the nest. This led authorities to believe Hasse attempted to have sex with the nest when the wasps attacked and killed him. Talk about a buzz kill!!!!!

But imagine how mad as a hornet this Queen Bee was when I found out the entire story was an internet hoax!!! Uh Yea, I had some really funny puns for you dedicated readers today regarding that worker bee. Damn, those hoaxsters sure do know how to stir up a hornet's nest hey? That sure does sting!!!!

Story: Here

Three Card Monte

2013-05-15T07:30:00.000-04:00

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks where today I'm gonna cut right to the chase and tell ya how con men really play games. Instead of that ol' standby con trick with the three cards that anybody can learn how to do, hard core criminals play head games during their threesomes. They even cut their losses. That's right.

Ashley Hunter

Just ask head case Ashley Hunter of Fargo, ND who met up with his old prison buddy Orlando DeWitt at a bar back in February. They go back to Hunter's house for a party where DeWitt started kissing a woman named Leticia. Then I supposed Hunter wanted to play heads or tails and he picked heads. Leticia began to perform oral sex on Hunter while DeWitt was goin' at it doggie style. Obviously Leticia was at the head of the class in the dirty dog department 'cause when Hunter asked to switch positions DeWitt refused to pull outta the race.

Orlando DeWitt

That's when everything came to a head. Hunter then made a cutting remark and basically told DeWitt to fish or cut bait. DeWitt shoulda learned to go head first 'cause when he tried to head for the hills Hunter pulled out a butcher knife from his couch and stabbed him twice. DAMN, that ménage a trois sure did cut like a knife. I guess the lesson here folks is two's company and three's a crowd hey?

Thanks so much to my friend Rossie who posted this story on his FaceBook page. What perfect Wacky Wednesday material!

Story: Here

A Triumphant Victory

2013-05-13T08:19:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know it's hard to believe that I was actually awarded the Triumph Trophy 'cause considerin' my life has been pretty shitty lately, there certainly haven't been many victories. But, I think my hilarious and kindred spirit friend Menopausal Mother just felt sorry for me so she let me in on the action. I loosely follow the rules with these awards anyway (must be the attorney in me trying to find the loophole in anything I can) so here they are according to moi:

1. display the trophy on your post
2. start your piece with , "I didn't kill _____ today". It doesn't have to be a person; it can be an appliance, a business, or anything else you choose
3. this award is now passed on like an STD to any other triumphant blogger who just needs to vent or rant and rave. Have at it blogging friends!!!

I didn't kill any other drivers today. Actually this post relates to yesterday when I was fortunate enough to drive the 8 LONG hours back to North Cackalacky from PA on Mother's Day. After visiting my extremely ill father for 5 days and making the final arrangements for his eventual demise, I decided my reward would be to travel back home on Mother's Day in anticipation of a nice cold Debosa waiting for me upon my arrival. Timing is crucial. If I left by 6am I could avoid the Baltimore and DC traffic and be home by early afternoon sippin' Debosas on the back porch.

Everything was goin' according to plan and I was zippin' along about 75mph when, BAM, all traffic suddenly comes to a standstill because of this stupid freakin' sign. Three lanes of traffic are goin' to be merging into two lanes ahead. For the life of me I can't figure out the physics behind the phenomenon of bumper to bumper traffic on a highway for 45 minutes going absolutely nowhere just to merge lanes two miles ahead. Yeppers, people honkin', yellin' out their windows, and screamin' obscenities that would even make a sailor blush. Okay, that was just me, but this Mama had a very emotionally taxing few days and this traffic jam was puttin' a serious monkey wrench in my drinkin' plans.

You will all be happy to know I put the pedal to the medal in that bad boy, made up for lost time, stayed off the law dogs' radar, and had my Mother's Day libations as planned. Now that my friends was a victory indeed!!!

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-05-11T09:00:00.000-04:00

Maybe all of us mothers will even get flowers and a card.

Asinine Awards

2013-05-10T07:30:00.000-04:00

There have been a few news stories lately that are so unbelievable they deserve some special asinine awards. Congratulations to Dave, right here where I live in Wilmington, North Cackalacky for makin' national headlines and doin' all of his homies proud.

Dave wins the Dumbass of the Week award for callin' 911 and complainin' that the drug dealer he gave 80 bucks to did not come back and bring him his marijuana and cocaine. He explains to the 911 operator that he was waiting for the drug dealer to come back and do the right thing because the dealer was ripping people off. And not only that, Dumbass Dave even complained that when he bought drugs from this particular dealer in the past, the drugs were substandard and he was not able to get high off them. The audacity of that dealer!!!! I'm quite certain the operator dispatched the law dogs right on over to Dave's house to take a full report on that horrendous robbery and to get a detailed description of the suspect. What a tremendous loss for our entire community! Everyone please keep Dave and his family in your thoughts during this tragic time. And if anyone out there knows any information about the perp, for the love of GAWD please contact Dave 'cause I hear he's still jonesin' for his fix. Story: Here

The crazy ass award goes to the Charlie Sheen/Brooke Mueller/Denise Richards triangle after social services removed Charlie and Brooke's 4 year old twin boys from Brooke's home because her drug use is jeopardizing their safety. In a normal world, the kids would go to Brooke's ex-husband and father of the children, who just happens to be Charlie Sheen right? But this is Hollyweird we're talkin' about folks and we know them people be freakin' crazy! Obviously Charlie ain't fit to take care of anybody, so the judge awarded temporary custody of Brooke and Charlie's boys to Charlie's ex-ex-wife Denise Richards because she is the most stable person in their lives. Yeppers, how many of you ex-wives would take custody of your ex's kids with another woman? Crazy Ass!!!! Uh Yeah, Denise should also win some sort of special award for now raising 4 spawn of Mr. Tiger Blood. Story: Here

The Happy Family

The last award goes to me because when I read this story about 20 year old Samuel Dye beating his 61 year old grandmother with a hammer and attempting to rape her because he couldn't get a girlfriend, I think I'm entitled to kick his ass! Samuel showed up at his grandma's house in Chester, South Carolina complaining that he wasn't able to find a girlfriend and said he was going "to get some". You want some Samuel, I'll give ya somethin' to remember for a long, long time, and when I'm dun openin' up my can of whoop ass on ya, whatever Bubba and the boys do to ya in the slammer when you drop the soap will seem like a walk in the park. Story: Here

Unless someone kicks it first Samuel, your sorry ass is MINE dude!!!!

Thank you to my friends Guy and Mindy for sending me these blog worthy stories and lettin' me run with 'em.

Sexual Healing

2013-05-08T07:30:00.000-04:00

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday! Monday I wrote about International Clitoris Week, and since there's so much sex in the news lately, I thought I may as well keep the theme goin'. I'm sure most of you know that May is National Masturbation Month. Have you been treating yourself nicely so far this month? Not to worry if you are a few strokes behind 'cause it's only the beginning of the month. There's still plenty of time to take matters into your own hands.

In fact, the city of brotherly love is hopin' for lots of self love by hosting its first evah masturbate-a-thon until the 27th where sponsors can actually donate money for every hour participants spend "being charitable". I love me some Philly!!!!! Through the event, local sex education groups hope to ignite conversations that reduce the stigma around expressing sexuality, promote sexual health, and emphasize the importance of pleasure. Prizes are being given for most creative fantasy, most unique way of gettin' the job done, and most money raised. Dang, I think I would be a serious medal contender in the fantasy category for all the outlandish ways my warped mind has conjured up to turn Anderson Cooper straight. Story: Here

And folks, I'm sure it's a load off your mind, as well as his, to know that Wesley Warren, the Las Vegas man with the 132 pound scrotum is recuperating nicely after the successful removal of his sac. When Mr. Warren turned down Dr. Oz's offer to pay for the surgery in exchange for exclusive interview rights, he was criticized as basking in the fame his giant organ brought him. After all, that extra baggage did earn him spots on the Howard Stern Show, Comedy Central and made him a local celebrity in his hometown. But, after being forced to urinate on himself 'cause his tallywacker was buried so deep in the growth, he decided to undergo the operation so he could be a normal man and have a romantic relationship with a woman. Look out Sin City 'cause when Wesley gets the green light from his doc he's headed straight for the red light district baby!!! Story: Here

This just makes me wanna go for a nice, long, hard ride!

Last, I will leave you with Jonah Falcon's hilarious new video "It's Too Big" about his record setting, world famous 13 1/2 inch penis:

A Clitoral Celebration

2013-05-06T07:30:00.000-04:00

Ladies, grab your partner, your favorite electronic device, or even take matters into your own hands and have a quiverin', screamin', shout it from the mountain top kinda orgasm 'cause today marks the beginning of the first evah International Clitoris Week. WHOO HOO!!!! Yeppers, May 6-12th has been designated as the week to bring awareness to this delicate part of the female anatomy that can bring us as much confusion as it can desire. Confusion in the fact that the clitoris itself has no reproductive function, but damn, you pleasure that little puppy just right and you desire more, MORE, MORE!!!!

Apparently, the group Clitoraid decided to highlight the clitoris in order to make women around the globe feel more comfortable speaking out and celebrating their sexuality. They are hoping some women will even go to masturbation seminars. Dang, perhaps I should sign up to instruct one of those seminars 'cause I got that whole self love thang down to a science.

So women everywhere, celebrate every single day this glorious week by doin' what feels good to you. I trust you have long since figured that out!!! And guys, pay extra attention this week to that lovely, highly sensitive, feel good button type object between your partner's legs. I promise you won't be disappointed!

Story: Here

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-05-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

Debra Jackson, the Vera Wang of Wal-Mart.

Off the Deep End

2013-05-03T07:30:00.000-04:00

Ya know at first I thought Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes had a spirited rivalry goin' just to see who could do the wackiest thangs for our entertainment. But Amanda Bynes kinda stole the spotlight lately from Li-Lo with her off the wall antics. Let's see, it started with a run of the mill DUI and hit and run charge, but got a little juicier with the incident at the tanning salon where she was walkin' around nekkid lookin' for eye goggles. Then she got kicked outta an adult gymnastics class for wearin' fishnets and a leotard that looked like lingerie and muttering to herself. Last week she was booted from Planet Fitness in Harlem for smokin' weed in the bathroom, and she recently posted that lovely picture of herself on Twitter with 1/2 of her head shaved. Whew, ya still with me folks? I'm exhausted just hammerin' it out on the keyboard.

Although she admits battling an eating disorder, at what point does someone in her inner circle need to call in the authorities and have this girl involuntarily committed? Hell, I wouldn't mind a brief respite every now and then. I hear they don't even give ya mirrors in those places so ya can't smash 'em and cut yourself. No mirror to see how horrid I look, 3 squares a day, and lots of happy drugs doesn't sound too bad for a little while.

Just the other day Amanda posted this picture on Twitter saying she weighs 135 pounds, she gained weight and needs to weigh 100 pounds. At 5' 8" tall, 100 el bees would be frightening. Obviously the girl needs help and I'm not discounting that. However, one quick weight loss method she might want to consider is to drain about 10 pounds of saline off each of those massive implants and watch the scale miraculously plummet. Or she could also shave the other side of her head to make things a bit more symmetrical and lose a few more unwanted pounds. Problem solved!

Story: Here

Bearded Fellows

2013-05-01T07:30:00.000-04:00

It's Wacky Wednesday and did you folks know that in a new survey researchers found that men with a 10 day beard were most attractive to women? Hhhhhhmmmmm, I got one word to say to that: "OUCH"!!! And, on a few amazing days outta the year my inner thighs might be sayin' the same. But apparently I'm in the minority.

Researchers at The University of South Whales showed hundreds of women photographs of different men. Each man was pictured clean shaven, with 5 days growth, 10 days growth and then with a full beard. The fellas with 10 days growth were voted most attractive, and those with 5 days of stubble were seen as least attractive overall. Dudes with a full beard scored highest for potential parenting ability. Wonder if those same chicks would want any of these bearded guys to be the father of their children:

Spiderman

The Blooming Onion

The bow tie

Can't wipe that smile off his face!

Story: Here
Images via Google Images

I'm Too Sexy

2013-04-29T09:55:00.000-04:00

On the radio this morning I heard a blurb that 3 Saudi Arabian men were deported from their own country for being too handsome. Apparently their good looks were causing impure thoughts in too many women. DANG, shouldn't the ugly Saudi effer's actually thank these dudes for givin' the chicks somethin' to fantasize about while havin' sex with their nasty asses? But no, instead the government makes their entire society suffer. Such injustice!!!

The Huffington Post reports that they have no official names of the 3 men, but one speculation is Omar Borkan Al Gala, a self described photographer, actor and poet who has been posting a series of glamour shots of himself on Facebook and Flickr, along with a link to the story. So I guess until we have confirmation of the 3 men, we can all just satisfy ourselves with changing the words to that famous Right Said Fred song:

I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love

Love's going to leave me.

I'm too sexy for my turban, too sexy for my turban

So sexy I'm going urban

I'm too sexy for Saudi bitches, too sexy for Saudi bitches

so sexy my crotch itches.

And hey sexy Omar, over here in the good ol' USA we welcome folks of all nationalities and religions, and impure thoughts of women are WAY down on our government's hit list. The beach in southeastern North Cackalacky is real nice this time of year. Just sayin'.

Story: Here

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-04-27T08:00:00.000-04:00

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus!

NFL Draft

2013-04-25T11:16:00.001-04:00

Geno Smith

If you've been around these here parts long enough, you know I'm a HUGE college football fan, and I LOVE me some WVU Mountaineer football. In honor of some Mountaineers who I will be watching intently tonight at the NFL draft, I'm wearin' my WVU gear from head to toe today right down to my undies:

I'll spare ya the shot of me actually in those boy shorts.

I'm pullin' for my boys Geno Smith and Tavon Austin to do well tonight in the draft. Let's Go Mountaineers!!!!!

Now in honor of the NFL, and to give all of you folks a chuckle, whether you are football fans or not, have a look/see at the following hilarious video. Sure makes me glad my name is nice and simple!

Thank you Jane for sending me this video and causing rip roarin' laughter that was sure to scare the neighbors.

From Dark to Light

2013-04-24T07:30:00.000-04:00

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and who could EVAH forget the tanning Mom who "allegedly" took her 5 year old daughter into a tanning booth with her? At the height of her tanning addiction, Patricia Krentcil's skin looked like you could peel it off and make it into a nice leather handbag with a matching pair of boots:

Although Patricia is now considerably less dark, she has found a new hobby in which to keep us all entertained. TMZ has reported that last week she posed for about 100 photos on a quarantined beach. She may be lighter in color, but she also lightened up the amount of clothing she wears. Oh yea folks, ya just KNOW this is gonna be good shiz!!!!!!

The new Sports Illustrated swim suit cover model.

Demonstrating the plow position.

Givin' Gisele a run for her money!

Oooohhhhh you sly little devil you!!!!

Story: Here

Turdball Tuesday

2013-04-23T07:30:00.000-04:00

Yea I totally made up that title because some thangs are just too relevant to wait until Wacky Wednesday. So I'm thinkin' America's sweetheart Reese Witherspoon is a bit of a turdball after she and her high powered agent husband Jim Toth were arrested over the weekend in a DUI related incident in Atlanta. First of all, why do celebrities even get DUI's when they can certainly afford to hire drivers? Secondly, Mr. Toth was driving a Ford Fusion. HEEEEELLLLOOOOO, a freakin' Ford Fusion on his salary?????? That's like Kim Kardashian bein' forced to drive a Honda Civic. OH, THE HORROR!!!!!

Anyway, Mr. Toth was pulled over by the law dogs 'cause his swanky silver Ford was weavin' in and out of lanes. As the cops were dealin' with her husband, the demure southern belle was yellin' out the window that she didn't believe the cop was a real police officer. He told her to sit on her butt and be quiet. She then got out of the Ford Fusion (sorry I just can't help myself) and said she was a US Citizen and was allowed to stand on American ground. Good thang Reese is so patriotic 'cause that turdball move got her handcuffed. Of course when you're handcuffed it's always a good idear to start mouthin' off right? So, in an Oscar winning performance, the actress shouts at the officer, "do you know my name, you are about to find out who I am, you are going to be on national news". Yeppers, and so are YOU Reese 'cause you wouldn't shut your pie hole, you became combative and got yourself arrested for disorderly conduct. Nice mug shot though.

In an attempt at good ol' southern hospitality, Reese's publicist had her release the following apology:

Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that was no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I am very sorry for my behavior."

Not that I would know, but girl, maybe ya shoulda stuck with your signature hair color 'cause I hear blondes may have more fun. Them brunette types can be real scary bitches!

Story: Here

P.S. My hilarious and talented blogging friends Brandon Meyers and Bryan Pedas published yet another novel called Lost and Found, which is sure to be a big hit. For details check out A Beer for the Shower.

Monday Funday

2013-04-22T08:00:00.000-04:00

Seize the opportunity!

Can ya tell I was too lazy to write a real post today? Instead ya gotta little touchy, feely action. And, congratulations to my fellow blogging buddies Mama Melch and Dezmond who will both be receiving a copy of Tracy Beckerman's hilarious new book Lost in Suburbia from my giveaway this weekend. It's a definite must read!

Tracy Beckerman is HERE with a GIVEAWAY!

2013-04-20T08:00:00.000-04:00

I feel like a rock star today because nationally syndicated humor columnist, and frequent TV and radio guest, Tracy Beckerman asked little ol' redneck me to be one of the hosts of her blog tour for her rip roarin' hilarious book "Lost in Suburbia". OH EM GEE, I can so relate to the laugh out loud stories Tracy tells about trading in her ultracool power job for that high paying, highly appreciated job of a stay at home mom (uh yea, that is total sarcasm folks). Ya gotta love a woman who can find humor in embarrassing situations, laugh at herself, and triumph through it all.

So after I read this amazing Momoir, I posed a few questions for the coolest chick to ever grace the state of New Jersey. Here are Tracy's answers, followed by a giveaway of a signed copy of her book to one lucky reader. Oh yea my friends, 'cause that's how Tracy rolls!

1. I peed my pants reading about you in the dressing room with those chicks next door with their New Jersey accents. How have you learned to adapt?

I started speaking with a Jersey accent. Now I fit right in. Except for the fact that I don’t have big hair.

2. Didn't you want to shoot yourself in the head when you weened your son off the binky? I kept a diary of that time with my now 17 year old son and will give it to his wife someday.

Those things are like crack for babies. I know babies have the need to suck, but that’s why God created a thumb. Every time the binky would pop out of my son’s mouth in the middle of the night he would start to cry because he couldn’t find it again. You can’t lose a thumb when you are sleeping. Weening him off it was the single hardest thing I had to do, you know except for that 36 hour marathon labor. And not being able to pee afterwards. And then there were those hemorhhoids. OK, so maybe the binky wasn’t the hardest thing, but it was pretty annoying.

3. I applaud you for giving up your high powered TV job without much inner turmoil because you actually missed your cryin', screamin', poopin' baby. What benefits did Mom get?

I got a cryin’, screamin’, poopin’ baby and no salary or days off. What’s better than that?

4. Isn't signing up for toddler classes an interesting way to meet other moms? Did you ever have to get through those times like I did with Mama's little helper (wine in a sippy cup)?

I thought that a straight intravenous drip would be a much more effective and efficient way to deliver the vino. However, I was so tired from having one toddler on the run and being pregnant at the same time that I probably would have benefitted from a coffee IV instead.

5. I totally understand being at a cocktail party and people instantly discounting you when they learn you "are just a stay at home mom". Ever regret your decision to leave the cool job?

By the time I left the job, I was losing the love for it anyway. I spent 10 years being married to my job because it was the kind of job that demanded it. But once I had a husband and son, I wanted more balance. Of course I hadn’t planned to have the pendulum swing completely in the other direction and spend every moment of every day being super mom. I was really happiest when I had the best of both… a part time cool job and full time mom. I did however miss the praise I got for doing the big cool job. For some reason your kids are just not that inclined to walk up to you and say, “Hey mom, you are doing an awesome job raising me, helping me formulate a positive self-image, and teaching me how to be a responsible, independent thinker. Thanks for that!”

6. How about your son finding your vibrator in your bed? Well played telling him it was a back massager. Does he still like back massages?

Wow… did I put that in the book? I’m going have to talk to my editor about that. And for the record, it wasn’t a vibrator, it was a “personal massager.” That’s what they call it at Brookstone and I’m sticking to it.

7. Good for you for rockin' a short haircut and a tattoo. What advice do you have for women who want to reclaim their own cool or individuality after motherhood?

Figure out what it was about you that made you feel good about yourself before you had kids, and then get it back! There is nothing about motherhood that precludes you from having short hair or green hair or no hair if that’s what it takes to make you feel good, even if it does get your kid beat up on the school playground. If you are a happy parent you will be a better parent, for sure.

8. OK, how did it really feel to knock out stuck up, control freak, peanut-free Cheryl in kickboxing class with your cross punch?

Pretty awesome. Some people just need to have their lights punched out. Not that I’m advocating violence. A well-placed pithy comment can also go a long way to making you feel better.

9. I'm so with you on not understanding how women fit into their prepregnancy clothes 2 weeks after giving birth. Do you think it's massive colonics, 'cause one thang I know for sure is breast feeding doesn't burn the amount of calories some people claim it does?
I think the ones who started out tiny stayed tiny through pregnancy and then they only had about two pounds to lose after they gave birth. I was not particularly petite to start out with and then I gained 60 pounds with each kid. Not that those Pop Tarts I ate for nine months had ANYTHING to do with that. I’m not that good at math, but even I know when you then give birth to an eight pound baby, that leaves roughly 50 pounds still remaining to lose. You can breast feed the whole planet and still not burn enough calories to shed that kind of weight anytime soon.

10.                 Damn girl, you started on this monumental road to success after writing a story about how you botched your son's Valentine's Day cards. What advice do you have for us podunk bloggers who have dreams of making it big some day as a writer.

I started as a Podunk blogger. Or at least a Podunk columnist. I had one column in my local paper, and then grew it from there. It takes patience, practice and “chutzpah.” Write a lot so you get good at it… go after lots of fish… and when they say no, come up with another way to get what you want. Or bribe them. That works, too.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Pseudo Reality

2013-04-19T07:00:00.000-04:00

OK, I admit I do not watch much TV. The extent of my television viewing consists of serious shiz like Mob Wives, anything Bachelor related, and Days of our Lives. So how pathetic is my life that while I'm blogging I listen to these ridiculous pseudo reality shows that Uncle Jeffy and the boys are watching intently in the living room? Such gems as Operation Repo, American Pickers, Storage Wars, and my all time favorite Swamp People are background noise for me.
Now last night Jack Daniels may, or may not, have been involved during an episode of Operation Repo 'cause Uncle Jeffy was gettin' his boxers all in a wad about the fact that the show was "scripted" instead of being full on reality. He's yellin' at the TV sayin' it's a travesty that the show is obviously using actors now instead of the real deal. Apparently there was some scene where one of the "stars" of the show shot some guy in the leg with a needle and the guy instantaneously passed out, when in fact that would take about 15 minutes in real life. There's no more camera guy out of breath runnin' after the dead beats who owe money, but rather the camera is now very carefully placed at perfect angles to capture all of the fake action.

Uncle Jeffy was so incensed he made 13 year old Ry Guy email the show and complain about the lack of reality, saying he will NEVAH watch again because they have sold their soul. WTH??????? You will all be so happy to know we did receive a canned response saying "our viewer's opinions are very important to us, and although we can't respond to each individually, we do read and consider all viewer input." Oh I'm just sure Lou, Sonia and the gang will just forget about entertainment value and go back to their roots after that email.

P.S. Instead of my regularly scheduled programming of a Weekend Wisecrack tomorrow I have a special treat and giveaway for you that is not to be missed. Be sure to tune in folks!!!!

Image via Google images

Rumor Mill

2013-04-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

It's Wacky Wednesday time and today I got that catchy little jingle from the Hee Haw Honeys stickin' in my head. Anybody old enough to remember this: "Now we're not ones to go 'round spreadin' rumors, Why really we're just not the gossipy kind, No you'll never hear one of us repeating gossip, So you better be sure and listen close the first time!" Anyway, since I LOVE me some juicy gossip and make no bones about it, I was quite sad to hear the news reports that one of the most solid celebrity marriages may be in trouble.

No matter what you might think of this family, I have always admired Ozzy and Sharon's commitment to stay together through thick (her pre-gastric bypass days) and thin (his wasting away from a drug induced diet). So when tongues started waggin' yesterday that Sharon was seen lunching without her wedding band, and moving furniture out of a van into a separate Beverly Hills property, I thought is nuthin' sacred anymore??? I mean if ya can stay with the dude when he bites the head off a bat there ain't no mountain ya can't conquer together. Ozzy was quick to set the record straight on FaceBook saying he and Sharon are not divorcing, but that he's just trying to be a better person after taking drugs and drinking for the last year and a half, and he's sorry for being such an asshole to his family. Come on you crazy kids, I KNOW ya got it in ya to work thangs out.

I mean just look at Danny DeVito and Rhea Pherlman who were married for 30 years, separated for 5 months, and recently got back together. Seriously, when ya start to look alike, ya just know your soul mate. Some thangs are pretty doggone obvious.

Now one piece of juicy gossip I don't think many ladies will be too upset about is the trouble in paradise between Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth. There will be plenty of hot babes standin' in line to mend that boy's broken heart if there is a spark of truth to that rumor.

Images via Google Images
Story: Here

Cheery Cherry Blossoms

2013-04-15T07:30:00.000-04:00

It appears Wilmington, North Cackalacky wasn't the only place this weekend where people went a tad bit crazy on their fashion sense. I'm tellin' ya, I saw some pictures of folks right here in my hometown that looked like they fell down the rabbit hole and ended up where Alice did in Wonderland. WHOO WEE, believe me when I tell ya, the mad hatter ain't got nuthin' on them.

But apparently up north in Washington, DC for the cherry blossom festival people break out some funny attire too. The difference between there and here: the DC folks actually realize they are wearing a costume. Check out some of these gems my friend Mindy saw up close and personal:

The Asian cross dressing Dorothy and Toto.

Wearing the white house on your head.

The cat in the hat with dreads.

Damn straight!!!

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-04-13T08:00:00.000-04:00

Here's hoping you all find creative tax deductions before the 15th!

The Weed at the Garden Party

2013-04-12T07:30:00.000-04:00

It's that time of the year again here in Wilmington, North Cackalacky. That's right, 5 entire days devoted to a flower. Not just any flower mind you, but an azalea. WHOO HOO!!!!! For the past several years I have hibernated and stayed away from all thangs "Azalea related", 'cause frankly I think it's ridiculous and I've aged out of the party circuit. However, this year as part of my duties as PTO Prez of Ry Guy's school, I met Queen Azalea and the "celebrities" (and believe me that term is used VERY liberally) who came to town as part of the festivities. The highlight for me was meeting the stunning Emily Maynard, from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette fame. She's also a West Virginia girl so you can bet your bottom dollar I was quick to say GO MOUNTAINEERS!!!! Lemme tell ya, when ya stand next to her, ya sure do feel like an ugly duckling!

Now in honor of the big event, I am repeating one of my favorite posts among the locals:

It's Azalea Festival time again here in Wilmington and that means scads of people comin' to town to celebrate our beautiful azalea bushes for 5 fun filled days of activities. YEE HAH!!!! Since I'm a transplanted Yankee livin' in this southern town, it took me quite awhile to get used to ALL things south of the Mason-Dixon Line, but most especially 5 full days dedicated to a flower.

The HIGHLIGHT of these 5 days is the annual Garden PAR-TAY today where anybody who IS anybody will be in attendance for a mere $150 per ticket to stand in line for a barbeque buffet and to fight your way through the crowd for a cocktail. Now when I first arrived in town 16 years ago, I was a working attorney. I was the only female attorney in the firm, and the guys told me about the PAR-TAY a few days before the big event. There was a strict rule at our firm that we were NEVAH allowed to drink alcohol at lunch with clients, regardless of whether the clients ordered a drink. The senior partner informed me that Garden PAR-TAY day was the one and only exception to that rule.

HHHHMMMMMMMM, I thought this must be some sort of special event huh? So, I put on my best herringbone patterned suit that day, nude hose, and navy close toed lawyerly like pumps. I think I even went all out and put a fancy schmancy pin on my lapel.

Imagine my surprise when I got to the PAR-TAY and all the women were dressed like that, and I looked like Susan Boyle before she was discovered by Simon Cowell. Deb, the lawyer, looked like a dried up, nasty weed, amongst beautiful, luscious, spring like flowers. Yeppers, I was the weed at the Garden PAR-TAY!! I truly wanted to hide in those stupid ass azalea bushes and not come out until they were sweeping up the last barbeque residue. DAMN, that was one of the most embarrassing days of my life!!!!!

However, I rebounded quite nicely and that garden PAR-TAY became a highlight for many, many years. It was a drunk fest from 9am til 9pm. Hell, sometimes I even wore a fancy hat just like I was born and bred in these here parts. Our posse had a whole routine. We would go to this certain place for breakfast at 9am and load up with carbs (to soak up the inevitable alceehol) and share a few mimosas. Then we would be the first arrivals when the gates to the PAR-TAY opened at 10:30am and get first dibs on the cocktails. The guys would set up "base camp", meaning they would park their asses on folding chairs, while the ladies started workin' the crowd. If we got separated we always knew where base camp was located. All day in the sun drinking cocktails sure gives you a nice buzz. But when the gates close about 3'ish EVERYBODY who is ANYBODY goes to the after PAR-TAY down by the water. Now most people go to this one certain establishment, but you are literally standing shoulder to shoulder, and I swear one of these days that dock is going to collapse with hundreds of people falling into the intracoastal waterway dressed in their Garden PAR-TAY finest. We always preferred to go to the less crowded joint next door where we could actually have a waitress, a seat, and a view of the water. We would stay partying our asses off until someone in the crowd had sense enough to say it was time to go home. Lights out, PAR-TAY over.

There is a picture of me and the gals at the last garden PAR-TAY I attended 4 years ago. That's me on the far right end (sans hat). Although I have fond memories of the PAR-TAY, as they say, all good things must come to an end. I feel as if I finally "aged out" of this tradition. Gettin' all dressed up, liquored up and peeing and fallin' down in the azalea bushes just doesn't hold the same appeal to me anymore. Now if I want to do those things, I prefer to do them either in the privacy of my chambers, or with a few good friends, rather than in front of the whole damn town.

So instead, I'm hosting a small gathering at my house for like-minded individuals who are also tired of the crowds and all the hoopla. There will still be the famous garden PAR-TAY punch, barbeque, and a fancy hat or two. I'll even pee in my own azalea bushes just to keep the spirit of the real Garden PAR-TAY alive!!!! Gate opens at 9:30am, so if you are in the area stop on by.

A Fond Farewell

2013-04-10T07:00:00.000-04:00

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks, and sadly, over the last few days the world has seen the passing of a few true icons. All trailblazers in their own right, and all with their own unique sense of style.

The country clubers from The Hamptons to La Jolla are mourning the death of famed designer Lily Pulitzer with her preppy pink and green frocks adorning the chosen few who can afford the outrageous price tags to match the outrageous patterns.

Ah, then the 50's generation, and perhaps some baby boomers too, are sad about the loss of squeaky clean, girl next door Annette Funicello, the fresh faced mouseketeer who probably wouldn't say shit if she stepped in it.

And across the pond, I'm sure the Brits are keepin' a stiff upper lip as they bid farewell to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, the ultra conservative who was rarely seen without her signature strand of pearls.

Now try as I may, try as I might, I was unable to find an image on the web that morphed the most recognizable trait of these three icons into one solo image so we could bid them all adieu in one fell swoop. Come on folks, I can't be the only one to have thought of this: The Iron Lady's famous face atop the latest Lily design with Micky Mouse ears on her head. If any of you are savvy enough to create such a work of art, please indulge us. What a way for all of these ladies to be memorialized forevah!!!!!

Images via Google Images

Copy Cat

2013-04-08T07:30:00.000-04:00

I saw this little clip in the ~~bible~~, er People magazine, the other day and I thought I would beef up their interesting observation with my own weird and wacky style, 'cause I love y'all so much and I know you can appreciate the humor. It appears that The Biebs is a copy cat of none other than The King of Pop.

First there's a monkey named Mally.

Michael had a chimp named Bubbles.

Next, the Biebs dons a mask.

A mask was standard public attire for MJ.

Last, a fingerless version of......

the famous glove.

So the moral of the story here folks, is be original, be your own person, find your true identity, because we all know how this is gonna turn out for poor little ol' Justin. He'll go for a few innocent plastic surgery procedures to look like the lovely Diana Ross:

But end up lookin' like that famous character from the land of Oz:

Images via Google Images