Just Keepin' It Real, Folks!

Walking on Sunshine

2013-06-19T07:30:00.000-04:00

It's Wacky Wednesday time again and if any of you folks are lookin' for the latest and greatest health fad, just follow the advice of 65 year old Navenna Shine who is conducting an experiment she is dubbing, "Living on Light". Little Miss Sun-Shine has decided to live without food for 6 months, sustaining herself only on water and sunlight. I hate to steal the lady's sunshine but, one major problem is that she lives in Seattle, a city that only averages 58 sunny days in an entire year. Guess ya gotta look on the bright side of thangs though, 'cause she already lost 20 el bees in 33 days. Heck, those folks on The Biggest Loser don't even make that kinda progress!

Anywho, Miss Sun-Shine says this is a "paradigm for living in which we as human beings do not need to ingest any kind of food whatsoever into our stomachs in order to thrive". She goes on to explain that we have a nutritional source of light embedded in our systems that gives us exactly what we need to be healthy and well. DANG, that theory just doesn't seem to hold water 'cause I've seen some dark and gloomy people in my day, and I know they ain't got much light embedded in their systems. Even folks with a sunny disposition can get can purty damn hangry if they go longer than 5 hours without solid food.

So, I say give it another week or two, put one of these bad boys in front of her face and Navenna is gonna chow down like she's in Nirvana. But, if sadly she doesn't survive this experiment, let's just hope her loved ones put the title of that famous Bill Withers song on her headstone, "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone"!

Story: Here

Nuts and Bolts

2013-06-17T07:30:00.000-04:00

Call me nuts folks, but when my high school buddy Denise put the ball in my court and said she thought I could "do something with this story", I just had to accept the challenge. It takes some big balls to tackle a sensitive subject like testicular cancer, but I figure if some nutcase was actually the brainchild behind Senhor Testiculo, pictured above, to educate Brazilians about testicular cancer, the least I could do was bring the nuts and bolts of the platform to your attention.

Yeppers, it seems some nutty professor in a Brazilian cancer awareness group introduced the world to the Mr. Balls mascot to help propel testicular cancer research into the media spotlight. Personally I'm just glad they didn't go with a nutty buddy as the mascot 'cause I could nevah look at my neighborhood ice cream man in the eye evah again!!!!! At least the dude doesn't look like a hard nut to crack 'cause he and that little whippersnapper seem to be havin' themselves a ball.

Let's face it folks, it takes some serious cojones to get into that suit!!! So the real question becomes whether that pretty young female escort is actually a ballbreaker and puts the poor guy's balls to the wall every night. Because if she is, Senhor Testiculo is gonna teabag her tonight baby!!!

Story: Here

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-06-15T08:00:00.000-04:00

A half dozen eggs, but one egg is broken.

The Ultimate Sacrifice

2013-06-14T07:00:00.000-04:00

We all make sacrifices in life. In starts when we are toddlers and our parents force us to share our favorite toy with some snotty nose kid so we can make friends. Then in high school you step back and let your BFF go out with the object of your affection while you are stuck goin' to the movies on a Saturday night with the class nerd 'cause ya ain't got nuthin' better to do. At your first real job you let some corporate climber walk all over you and take credit for your brilliant idea 'cause you haven't yet developed a back bone. You get the idea folks. When does it end? When do you decide enough is enough?

Well, the other day, my friend Grayson texted me and said "just realized it is your half birthday. Happy, Happy". DAMN, I forgot all about it. That means I'm 1/2 way through the year I turn fucking fifty. I decided right then and there, to forget about the same old, same old routine I've been doing. Time to take the bull by the horns. No more compromises and no more sacrifices for me!!! It's time this old bitch shake thangs up. I signed up for more Pure Barre classes even though my hamstrings are so sore I can barely walk up and down steps. The one ply sandpaper-like toilet paper that cheapo Uncle Jeffy bought has been deep sixed 'cause my wrinkly ass deserves bettah! I allowed myself an extra grande, decaf, nonfat, peppermint mocha this week 'cause to me they taste like an orgasm in a cup. The glorious sun beat down on my topless body without sunscreen or fear of shame 'cause it's my backyard and I own it (along with a generous mortgage from the bank). Hell, I even stayed up past my normal 8:45pm bedtime and watched a stupid Lifetime movie just to be a rebel. One day I went to the grocery store and indulged:

I really should have felt guilty when that lobster was trying to crawl his way to freedom in the seat beside me, but instead I felt empowered. In 6 short months I'll be hittin' a milestone birthday and I feel fantastic!!! So to you Mr. Crustacean, thank you for makin' the ultimate sacrifice for this old gal.

Dinnah was divine!!!!

Cum and Get it!

2013-06-12T07:30:00.000-04:00

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks, where in honor of Father's Day this weekend, I thought I would talk about one father who has made headlines recently for spreadin' his seed all over the Volunteer State. A modern day Johnny Appleseed ya might say.

There's 33 year old Desmond Hatchett from Knoxville, TN, who has cum clean about havin' 30 children with 11 different women. Mr. Hatchett appeared in court this week because he's cum to grips with the fact that he can't afford his child support payments and asked for a much needed break. His oldest young'un is 14 and his littlest whippersnappers are mere toddlers. The cool thang is not many dudes can make the claim to fame that they had 4 kids in the same year. Twice. Ha, take that Duggar family!!! The state already requires him to divide 50% of his minimum wage earnings among the 11 lucky gals, some of whom receive the whopping $1.49 a month.

So if my math is correct, I've cum to the conclusion that Desmond had his first pride and joy at age 19 and then sired 2.14 bambinos every year thereafter, with the exception of two years where he would cum around a little more often so that he was blessed with 4 more mouths to feed in each of those years. That's one kid every three months. Since the state can not mandate him to stop having children, maybe the best Father's Day present his extended family can give him is a hook up with TLC, E! or BET for a reality show to help pay his child support obligations. Perhaps it could be called "Sure Shot Shenanigans".

Story: Here

WHOA BABY!!!!

2013-06-10T07:30:00.000-04:00

So how about 33 year old Trish Staine from Duluth, Minn who ran for 2 hours last Sunday in preparation for a 1/2 marathon, had a sore back that evening, thought the pain was from hard core training, went to the ER, and out popped a 6 pound 6 ounce baby girl the next day? She says she had no idea she was preggers because she didn't gain any weight, nor did she feel any fetal movement. Oh yea and the real kicker is her husband had a vasectomy. She and her husband John have 2 children, and she is the stepmother to John's 3 kids from a previous relationship, so she thought she was dun birthin' babies.

Besides the powerful force called denial that is obviously in effect here, I say either John's urologist is in serious trouble or she is!!!!!!

Story: Here

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-06-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

I saw this poster at my local Starbucks. For that kinda bank I'm hittin' the shelters, findin' a Taco Hell pooch, dyin' his coat to match those colors and takin' off to Cabo with my reward money baby. OLE!!!

A Cunning Plan

2013-06-07T07:30:00.000-04:00

Unless you've been livin' under a rock, you have heard the news blasted all over the media that Michael Douglas admitted his own battle with throat cancer may have been caused by HPV, the virus which comes from that delightful sport called cunnilingus. Never mind the fact that Mr. Douglas was a heavy drinker and smoker, both known causes of throat cancer, or that he publicly said he does not regret either of those habits. Instead, the actor has to go and do some sort of twisted personal PSA about oral sex causing throat cancer. DAMN, way to make it tough for all of us gals who enjoy a little tongue action Michael!!!! As if it isn't scary enough way back in middle school when they show ya pictures of private parts bein' eaten away by STDS, now some high powered Hollyweird type is goin' around sayin' he could have died drinkin' from the furry cup. Is nuthin' sacred anymore????

Personally I think this whole thang is part of some cunning plan to prove that Michael is straight despite the fact that he was PERFECTLY cast as Liberace in the movie "Behind the Candelabra". Really Michael, no one cares about your sexuality and whether you slipped Matt Damon the tongue for pleasure or just for the part. So please, go give lip service to some other worthy cause and just allow the general population to enjoy some good ol' fashioned muff diving without fear of the big C.

Story: Here

Life in the Fast Lane

2013-06-05T07:30:00.000-04:00

It's Wacky Wednesday time and today's story comes courtesy of my blogging buddy Holli from Holli's Hoots and Hollers. It appears some 25 year old road warrior named Luis Briones down in Albuquerque put his Ford Explorer on cruise control while his female companion started waxin' his ride. She must have really been revvin' his engine and driving him wild while playin' with his gear shift, 'cause instead of pullin' over at a rest stop the couple went into overdrive. Sadly, right before Mr. Briones could drive his point home, the vehicle crashed ejecting the woman. That's a whole new take on Spanish fly now hey?

Then, Mr. Briones found himself in a prickly situation hiding behind a cactus with only one shoe on and his shorts inside out. Although the female was naked, she looked like a total wreck with deep cuts on her face and head. Mr. Hot Rod got in trouble for more than just your run of the mill click it or ticket. He was charged with DWI, reckless driving and evading police. Also, word on the street is the skid marks in his shorts were worse than the ones on the road.

Story: Here

School Days

2013-06-03T07:30:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much to my blogging buddy One Bad Pixie for sending me this text book story of See Jane, See Jane spill punch, See Sue punch Jane, see Johnny's hammer, See Johnny hammer Sue...... Yeppers folks it appears more than just a kindergarten cop was needed in Cleveland on Friday during the kindergarten graduation ceremonies when an all out brawl started over some spilled punch. Two teenage girls started hittin' each other, then their families joined in, one participant pulled out a pipe and another whipped out a hammer. Adults were fightin' adults and juvies were fightin' juvies. Instead of night school, they had themselves some fight school.

I'm takin' an educated guess here and sayin' the 3 R's taught at Michael R. White Elementary School are reading, riting and rioting. Wonder if anyone involved was on the honor roll or even the teacher's pet? Well, at least they won't have to read a book over the summer, 'cause more than 8 people got booked for aggravated rioting instead.

So folks, let this be a lesson learned. If ya can't ring the school bell, at least ya can ring someone else's bell. Obviously, the class valedictorian NEVAH goes down without a fight!!!

Story: Here

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-06-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

Ever notice how most women prefer hard tacos and most men prefer soft? There's gotta be a sexual correlation there!

I Dream of Being Jeannie

2013-05-31T07:30:00.000-04:00

Yea, I know I'm showin' my age and some of you young'uns probably have never even heard of Barbara Eden or that famous 60's sitcom I Dream of Jeannie, but just play along kids. For all of you kinky types, she coined the term "yes master" before Christian Grey was even born. She was a freakin' SEXAY bombshell back in the day. I wonder if Larry Hagman (who played Major Tony Nelson on the show) ever hit that in real life? I sure as hell hope so 'cause ya know she could do SO MUCH more for Major Nelson than just cleanin' up those goofy messes he and Captain Healey always got themselves into.

So, there is Barbara today at age 78 wearing her iconic costume at The Life Ball this past weekend in Vienna. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!! Right there is my motivation to push away from the table a bit more and keep movin' my ass!

And that's how Jeannie grants her master's wish. Although Major Nelson has passed to the great beyond, I know Jeannie is still makin' lots of dude's dreams come true!

Story: Here

Moon Shot

2013-05-29T08:00:00.000-04:00

It's Wacky Wednesday time again folks and there must have been a full moon recently 'cause some of the thangs people do sure makes me think they are moon struck or somethin'. Check out this butt head Mom in Virginia who was jailed for disorderly conduct after shooting the moon to a school bus full of 45 kids.

Yeppers, Lisa Grant got into a butt ugly argument with the bus driver, who sent a note home saying Grant's son was misbehaving. After she basically told the driver she was gonna whip her butt, Grant pulled down her pants and mooned everyone on the school bus. Sure hope those poor kids didn't toss the moon pies they had for lunch 'cause those thangs is good eats!!! One thang is for sure, Grant is gonna be the butt of some jokes in the slammer. At least she won't be sittin' around feelin' sorry for herself listenin' to Blue Moon all day, 'cause rumor has it she is bein' heavily recruited by that moonies cult behind bars. story: Here

And thanks to my blogging buddy Adam for sending me this pop culture story from down my way in Charlotte, North Cackalacky of a Mama who obviously takes that commandment "thou shall not steal" pretty dang seriously. It seems Latasha Renee Love had her 13 year old son arrested for taking her Pop Tarts without asking first. Guess that's better than poppin' a cap in the kid's ass hey? When the media tried interviewing Love about why she had her son arrested, she just popped off with an obscenity. I realize those Pop Tarts cost about 50 cents a pop, but her son got 'em for a steal. Hope Mom and Pop are happy now that the boy is in juvie. Maybe they can send him pop rocks and soda pop for good behavior. story: Here

Random Act of Kindness

2013-05-27T07:30:00.000-04:00

Today I'm participating in the Random Acts of Kindness Blogfest sponsored by Wayman Publishing. For the next few days bloggers all over the blogosphere will be posting about kindness in the hopes that readers will be inspired to share some joy with others. LAWD knows in this weird and wacky world we can all use some more lovin'!

As some of you know, my Dad is quite ill and I have been traveling back and forth to PA, not only to spend time with him, but also to make final arrangements and to get all of his affairs in order. Because my Mom is suffering from her own mental health issues, she is not able to assist. Being an only child living 8 hours away can be both beneficial and a pain in the ass. Trying to manage my own family, as well as deal with my parents' issues, has caused my stress level to rise to the boiling point. Fear not folks, this ol' gal ain't gonna boil over, rather, I just take to the bottle a bit more than usual to deal with the stress. In addition to my frequent buyer status at a couple of wine shops in town, the guy at the lickah store now knows me by name. Sad but true.

Anyway, several weeks ago while I was running errands, I received the following text message from my friend Desiree: "I dropped something off at ur front door.. Been thinking about u and ur Dad." I was positively shocked because I honestly did not realize she even knew my Dad was sick. Yes, we are friends, but Dez is the wife of one of my husband's partners and we rarely see each other outside of office functions. She is a young whippersnapper in comparison to me, we don't live close, and our lives just don't intersect that much. However, Dez is one of those rare folks who has such a pure heart and probably never had a malicious thought in her entire life (quite unlike me hey?)

When I got home I found this gorgeous orchid on my front porch. It's not really the orchid itself that is so special, it's the fact that Dez cared enough to take time out of her day with 3 small children to buy the flower and drive across town to hand deliver it to someone who was going through a rough time. Because of her random act of kindness I gave myself permission that day to grieve, really grieve for the impending loss of my Dad. When I cried it all out, I realized that no matter how much my life sucked right now, there were others who also needed a boost. How hard is it to reach out and spread some joy? It can be as simple as a smile or an old fashioned phone call to someone who is hurting. So, if you have ever been fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of a random act of kindness, I hope you remember how good it felt and want to pay it forward. That's what life's all about folks, that's what it's all about!

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-05-25T08:00:00.000-04:00

I'm looking for a nude beach this summer 'cause the thought of bathing suit shopping is even more frightening.

Holy Spicoli Sean Penn!!!!

2013-05-24T07:00:00.000-04:00

Holy crap, when I saw this photo in my local newspaper the other day of Academy Award winning actor Sean Penn it sent me racin' to my computer to get the Sweet and Lowdown on his birth date. I knew we were about the same age in The Tree of Life and I wasn't far off. Mr. Penn was born August 17, 1960. He's only 2 1/2 years older than me. HOLY SPICOLI!!!!! As I'm turnin' nifty fifty this year, I'm payin' more attention to the aging process more now than evah. From the looks of thangs, I think it's Fair Game to say Sean may have had a few more Fast Times at Ridgemont High than most folks. I don't know what's on Taps at his house but I sure as hell don't want any. Although I do like me some Bad Boys, it's nice to be able to see them At Close Range without losin' your cookies and Milk. I doubt even all The King's Men can save this Dead Man Walking.

Doggie Delight

2013-05-22T07:30:00.000-04:00

It's Wacky Wednesday time again, and I'll be doggone if my friend Rossie didn't find another local blogworthy news story for me. DANG, folks here in southeastern North Cackalacky have really gone to the dogs.

There's 24 year old Jeffrey Bynner, from the county right next door to where I live, who is charged with "unlawfully, willingly, and feloniously committing the abominable and detestable crime against nature with a Chihuahua dog". No other details are available other than he is currently not in the dog house, but still in the big house under a $10,000 bond. Well, Drop My Chalupa folks, 'cause all I can think about is the famous Taco Bell dog sufferin' through some rear entry at the hands of that beast.

Obviously Mr. Bynner takes that Yo Quiero Taco Bell (I want some Taco Bell) slogan pretty seriously. He wanted more than just the run of the mill dog meat served on the menu hey? That stuff makes me sick as a dog, hence my term of endearment "Taco Hell", for the hell it causes to my digestive system. Guess the dude was seriously jonesin' for some real doggie style action. Just imagine the size difference between Mr. Bynner's big burrito and the tiny tamales that little canine was used to feelin' in her taco. I can't help but think how truer words have never been spoken in a commercial when the Chihuahua said back in the day, "Uh Oh. I think I'm going to need a bigger box". That poor doggie's box is probably stretched to the size of a chimichanga after all that penetration.

At least we now know Mr. Bynner is takin' it like a dog with Bubba and the boys. Perhaps I will send him this poster to hang up in his cell to give him somethin' to dream about at night. After all, everybody has a movie star fantasy don't they?

Story: Here

The Booby Prize

2013-05-20T07:30:00.000-04:00

Could one of you be the big WINNAH in Florida of the estimated $600 million Power Ball? I suppose if you are, you ain't takin' the time to be readin' any blogs this mornin'. Rather, you are holed up somewhere with your inner circle, and hopefully some high powered attorneys and financial advisers to help you sort out your new windfall. Obviously I'm still poundin' away at the keyboard at this high payin' bloggin' gig 'cause I was a big LOSAH. On the 7 tickets we purchased, we did not even hit one single number. Not one, nada, zippo, zilch. How low can you go baby??? Now that's a loser!!!

Uncle Jeffy went back to work today makin' the world a more beautiful place. Since people seemed to get a kick outta my FaceBook post yesterday regarding my booby prize, I thought I would share it with all of you:

Deb Church

didn't even get one stinkin' number on 7 Power Ball tickets. WTH????? Looks like I'll keep on makin' the big bucks with that stellar blogging career while Uncle Jeffy continues to make the world a more beautiful place one boob at a time.

Like · · Promote · Share

Sheri Meck Franks, Angie Parrish Coverdale, Vanessa Marttinen and 17 others like this.
Travis Godwin I need mine done.

7 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Sandra Miles Does he only do one at a time???!!? Weird..... jk!

7 hours ago · Unlike · 2
Deb Church @Sandra sometimes one is all it takes to get that awesome rack.

7 hours ago · Like · 1
Brian Browning I would hope he's doing them one at a time. While I don't doubt Jeff's talent, it seems that doing one with the left hand and one with the right hand would result in some lopsided hooters.

7 hours ago · Unlike · 2
Denise Miller Mauzy OMG I bet you can come up with blog-worthy material from this feed!

6 hours ago · Like
Deb Church @Denise excellent idea!!!

6 hours ago · Like · 1
Rossie Manning need more pics of Jeff's work. he is a great man.

5 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Sue Weisgal Gallagher OMGGGGGGGGGG LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

5 hours ago · Like
Sarah Cooley Being 51, I need an augmentation! LOL!

4 hours ago · Like · 1
Paula Brown Kauffman Me too......Sarah Cooley! LOL

So while some folks are obviously perfectly happy accepting the booby prize, I just want the WINNAH to know that I do believe I'm your long lost 33rd cousin twice removed on your maternal great, great Aunt's side. Sure would love to get together real soon and catch up. Hey, whatever happened to creepy Uncle Freddie who always sat at the kids' table during holiday dinners?

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-05-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

Wonder what song is playing in her head?

A special thanks to my awesome friend Hot Tamale for posting this video on FaceBook!!!!

Buzz Kill

2013-05-17T07:30:00.000-04:00

DANG folks, yesterday when my friend Mindy texted me this awesome news story from Sweden about a horny guy dying after having sex with a hornet's nest I got busy as a bee writing my blog post for today. It appeared as if a 35 year old man known only as Hasse, who probably sported a buzz cut, had 146 sting marks on his body. The poor dude was even stung where he was hung 54 times. His neighbor described finding his body and said it was so swollen he initially mistook it for a whale carcass, but recognized him from the tattoo on his neck.

The news reports went on to say that dried semen was found on some of the dead wasps, some of the man's pubic hairs were found at the entrance to the nest, and his fingerprints were on the hive itself. Nothing was reported from "bee"hind the nest. This led authorities to believe Hasse attempted to have sex with the nest when the wasps attacked and killed him. Talk about a buzz kill!!!!!

But imagine how mad as a hornet this Queen Bee was when I found out the entire story was an internet hoax!!! Uh Yea, I had some really funny puns for you dedicated readers today regarding that worker bee. Damn, those hoaxsters sure do know how to stir up a hornet's nest hey? That sure does sting!!!!

Story: Here

Three Card Monte

2013-05-15T07:30:00.000-04:00

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks where today I'm gonna cut right to the chase and tell ya how con men really play games. Instead of that ol' standby con trick with the three cards that anybody can learn how to do, hard core criminals play head games during their threesomes. They even cut their losses. That's right.

Ashley Hunter

Just ask head case Ashley Hunter of Fargo, ND who met up with his old prison buddy Orlando DeWitt at a bar back in February. They go back to Hunter's house for a party where DeWitt started kissing a woman named Leticia. Then I supposed Hunter wanted to play heads or tails and he picked heads. Leticia began to perform oral sex on Hunter while DeWitt was goin' at it doggie style. Obviously Leticia was at the head of the class in the dirty dog department 'cause when Hunter asked to switch positions DeWitt refused to pull outta the race.

Orlando DeWitt

That's when everything came to a head. Hunter then made a cutting remark and basically told DeWitt to fish or cut bait. DeWitt shoulda learned to go head first 'cause when he tried to head for the hills Hunter pulled out a butcher knife from his couch and stabbed him twice. DAMN, that ménage a trois sure did cut like a knife. I guess the lesson here folks is two's company and three's a crowd hey?

Thanks so much to my friend Rossie who posted this story on his FaceBook page. What perfect Wacky Wednesday material!

Story: Here

A Triumphant Victory

2013-05-13T08:19:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know it's hard to believe that I was actually awarded the Triumph Trophy 'cause considerin' my life has been pretty shitty lately, there certainly haven't been many victories. But, I think my hilarious and kindred spirit friend Menopausal Mother just felt sorry for me so she let me in on the action. I loosely follow the rules with these awards anyway (must be the attorney in me trying to find the loophole in anything I can) so here they are according to moi:

1. display the trophy on your post
2. start your piece with , "I didn't kill _____ today". It doesn't have to be a person; it can be an appliance, a business, or anything else you choose
3. this award is now passed on like an STD to any other triumphant blogger who just needs to vent or rant and rave. Have at it blogging friends!!!

I didn't kill any other drivers today. Actually this post relates to yesterday when I was fortunate enough to drive the 8 LONG hours back to North Cackalacky from PA on Mother's Day. After visiting my extremely ill father for 5 days and making the final arrangements for his eventual demise, I decided my reward would be to travel back home on Mother's Day in anticipation of a nice cold Debosa waiting for me upon my arrival. Timing is crucial. If I left by 6am I could avoid the Baltimore and DC traffic and be home by early afternoon sippin' Debosas on the back porch.

Everything was goin' according to plan and I was zippin' along about 75mph when, BAM, all traffic suddenly comes to a standstill because of this stupid freakin' sign. Three lanes of traffic are goin' to be merging into two lanes ahead. For the life of me I can't figure out the physics behind the phenomenon of bumper to bumper traffic on a highway for 45 minutes going absolutely nowhere just to merge lanes two miles ahead. Yeppers, people honkin', yellin' out their windows, and screamin' obscenities that would even make a sailor blush. Okay, that was just me, but this Mama had a very emotionally taxing few days and this traffic jam was puttin' a serious monkey wrench in my drinkin' plans.

You will all be happy to know I put the pedal to the medal in that bad boy, made up for lost time, stayed off the law dogs' radar, and had my Mother's Day libations as planned. Now that my friends was a victory indeed!!!

Weekend Wisecrack

2013-05-11T09:00:00.000-04:00

Maybe all of us mothers will even get flowers and a card.

Asinine Awards

2013-05-10T07:30:00.000-04:00

There have been a few news stories lately that are so unbelievable they deserve some special asinine awards. Congratulations to Dave, right here where I live in Wilmington, North Cackalacky for makin' national headlines and doin' all of his homies proud.

Dave wins the Dumbass of the Week award for callin' 911 and complainin' that the drug dealer he gave 80 bucks to did not come back and bring him his marijuana and cocaine. He explains to the 911 operator that he was waiting for the drug dealer to come back and do the right thing because the dealer was ripping people off. And not only that, Dumbass Dave even complained that when he bought drugs from this particular dealer in the past, the drugs were substandard and he was not able to get high off them. The audacity of that dealer!!!! I'm quite certain the operator dispatched the law dogs right on over to Dave's house to take a full report on that horrendous robbery and to get a detailed description of the suspect. What a tremendous loss for our entire community! Everyone please keep Dave and his family in your thoughts during this tragic time. And if anyone out there knows any information about the perp, for the love of GAWD please contact Dave 'cause I hear he's still jonesin' for his fix. Story: Here

The crazy ass award goes to the Charlie Sheen/Brooke Mueller/Denise Richards triangle after social services removed Charlie and Brooke's 4 year old twin boys from Brooke's home because her drug use is jeopardizing their safety. In a normal world, the kids would go to Brooke's ex-husband and father of the children, who just happens to be Charlie Sheen right? But this is Hollyweird we're talkin' about folks and we know them people be freakin' crazy! Obviously Charlie ain't fit to take care of anybody, so the judge awarded temporary custody of Brooke and Charlie's boys to Charlie's ex-ex-wife Denise Richards because she is the most stable person in their lives. Yeppers, how many of you ex-wives would take custody of your ex's kids with another woman? Crazy Ass!!!! Uh Yeah, Denise should also win some sort of special award for now raising 4 spawn of Mr. Tiger Blood. Story: Here

The Happy Family

The last award goes to me because when I read this story about 20 year old Samuel Dye beating his 61 year old grandmother with a hammer and attempting to rape her because he couldn't get a girlfriend, I think I'm entitled to kick his ass! Samuel showed up at his grandma's house in Chester, South Carolina complaining that he wasn't able to find a girlfriend and said he was going "to get some". You want some Samuel, I'll give ya somethin' to remember for a long, long time, and when I'm dun openin' up my can of whoop ass on ya, whatever Bubba and the boys do to ya in the slammer when you drop the soap will seem like a walk in the park. Story: Here

Unless someone kicks it first Samuel, your sorry ass is MINE dude!!!!

Thank you to my friends Guy and Mindy for sending me these blog worthy stories and lettin' me run with 'em.

Sexual Healing

2013-05-08T07:30:00.000-04:00

Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday! Monday I wrote about International Clitoris Week, and since there's so much sex in the news lately, I thought I may as well keep the theme goin'. I'm sure most of you know that May is National Masturbation Month. Have you been treating yourself nicely so far this month? Not to worry if you are a few strokes behind 'cause it's only the beginning of the month. There's still plenty of time to take matters into your own hands.

In fact, the city of brotherly love is hopin' for lots of self love by hosting its first evah masturbate-a-thon until the 27th where sponsors can actually donate money for every hour participants spend "being charitable". I love me some Philly!!!!! Through the event, local sex education groups hope to ignite conversations that reduce the stigma around expressing sexuality, promote sexual health, and emphasize the importance of pleasure. Prizes are being given for most creative fantasy, most unique way of gettin' the job done, and most money raised. Dang, I think I would be a serious medal contender in the fantasy category for all the outlandish ways my warped mind has conjured up to turn Anderson Cooper straight. Story: Here

And folks, I'm sure it's a load off your mind, as well as his, to know that Wesley Warren, the Las Vegas man with the 132 pound scrotum is recuperating nicely after the successful removal of his sac. When Mr. Warren turned down Dr. Oz's offer to pay for the surgery in exchange for exclusive interview rights, he was criticized as basking in the fame his giant organ brought him. After all, that extra baggage did earn him spots on the Howard Stern Show, Comedy Central and made him a local celebrity in his hometown. But, after being forced to urinate on himself 'cause his tallywacker was buried so deep in the growth, he decided to undergo the operation so he could be a normal man and have a romantic relationship with a woman. Look out Sin City 'cause when Wesley gets the green light from his doc he's headed straight for the red light district baby!!! Story: Here

This just makes me wanna go for a nice, long, hard ride!

Last, I will leave you with Jonah Falcon's hilarious new video "It's Too Big" about his record setting, world famous 13 1/2 inch penis: