A prenuptial agreement will cover specific things.   Many people have the mistaken impression that a prenuptial agreement is just a way for one spouse to limit the rights of another in the event of divorce.  This is a very limited view.  Especially when second or later marriages are concerned, a prenup can protect both parties.  For instance, if a person is about to marry another person who may have exposure to some liability, the parties can agree on measures to protect the innocent spouse from potential liability.  By protecting one party, such an agreement in fact provides a measure of financial safety for both.

On a more personal level, a mediator can assist a young couple in learning to fight fair and in establishing methods for dealing with conflict in advance of need.  Mediator and attorney Ken Cloke asks, for example:

• If you were to write a ‘Marital Constitution,’ what would you want to include?
• What would the Preamble say?
• The Bill of Rights?
• How would you like to make decisions regarding different issues?
• What will you want to do or say, and not do or say when you find yourselves in conflict?”

Mediation is an excellent forum for discussion of both substantive issues as well as general conflict resolution issues.  Mediators are trained in processes and techniques for resolving conflict.  These can be applied pro-actively as ground rules for fighting fair.  A foundation of fighting fair then strengthens and contributes to the health of the marriage.  Thus, mediation of a prenuptial agreement doesn’t just help the couple agree on property division.  It inoculates couples against  harmful conflict.

If you are getting married, consider mediation of a prenup.   No one is harmed by having one, and it may do a world of good by stopping trouble before it ever gets a chance to start.

While I’m pleased that many people read different meanings into it, the logo of Just Mediation, LLC, was intended to represent two parties and the mediator joined together in three attached rings, and being drawn through the rigid structure in the background.  

Negotiation of Prenuptial Agreements originally appeared on Alexandria Skinner, J.D., Mediator and Attorney on February 19, 2013 and is written by Alexandria Skinner, J.D.. Copyright 2012. Please respect ownership of this material.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The estate planning lawyer chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

Don’t Wait to Plan Your Estate!

You never know when it will be too late.

Dali melting clock

Don’t Wait to Plan Your Estate! originally appeared on Alexandria Skinner, J.D., Mediator and Attorney on February 17, 2013 and is written by Alexandria Skinner, J.D.. Copyright 2012. Please respect ownership of this material.

• Mediation gives you an opportunity to disentangle the the roots rather than asking a court just to cut them away to create two separate plants.
• The process is designed to keep you in control of your own affairs.
• Mediation allows for more flexible arrangements where children are concerned.

What If I Choose Divorce Mediation?    (For more in this article, please click here)

If you choose divorce mediation, the process of mediating your divorce in my office is private, comfortable, informal, and designed to help the two of you negotiate your own solutions that are fair and which reflect your own key family values.

A big question is, “What happens if we can’t agree?”  Well, the things you can agree on are the beginning of mediation.  It’s the mediator’s job to help you understand each other’s viewpoints, explore options, weigh risks and benefits, and reach agreement on the other issues.   There are many ways that mediators help parties reach agreement.   Among other things, consultation with attorneys, financial experts, psychological experts, and vocational experts is encouraged, when needed, to make sure you and your family get appropriate professional guidance through what may be one of the most challenging times in your life.

Mediation is always voluntary, and it doesn’t take a lot of time or effort to investigate mediation.  If it works, parties will have saved tremendous stress, resources, and heartache.   A single two hour session with a mediator can help you walk through the issues and make sure everything is, indeed, resolved before you undertake the process of an uncontested divorce.  It’s possible that you may be able to resolve all issues right then and there, and then truly know that you do indeed have an uncontested divorce.  And then, still other people definitely need to go to court.  If you are one of these people, an initial consultation with a mediator can clarify this decision so you will not be left with lingering doubts.   If mediation is not an option or if it doesn’t work, court still remains as an option.

Two reasons to consult with a mediator, therefore, are to see if your divorce truly is uncontested or to see if you truly need to go to court.  Realistically, a majority of cases fall somewhere in the middle.  Parties are not quite agreed on everything, but they want to avoid the heartache, stress, and expense of full scale litigation.  In these situations, mediation may be an excellent option.  The mediator knows what issues need to be decided and will help you with tools to make those decisions, peaceably and respectfully.  Mediation occurs in a series of meetings held in the confidential and informal setting of the mediator’s office.  There is no pressure or coercion to make any particular decision, and parties are encouraged to confer with attorneys at every significant decision point.  The overall cost is, generally speaking, a fraction the cost of litigated divorce.

No matter what path you think may be right, it can’t hurt to have a professional consultation to explore and confirm your choices.  If you’d like a consultation to discuss pro’s and con’s of various options, or to learn more about mediated divorce, please fill out the contact form on right side of this web page, or call 803-414-0185.

Why Is It Important to Decide What Path to Choose, at the Beginning?

The reason mediation is a deliberate choice one must make at the outset is that if a person just goes to an attorney, it is likely the attorney will immediately implement the tools that most attorneys are trained to use: file court papers asking the judge to make all the decisions for the parties concerning their living arrangements, support, child custody, and temporary property division.  Attorneys use mediation too, but not in the same way.  In the context of a litigated divorce, mediation is nothing more than an expeditious way to “settle” the lawsuit. The difference between mediation to settle a lawsuit after parties are already in an adversarial stance (litigated divorce) and mediation as a way of solving problems as a team, prior to serving court papers (mediated divorce) is something like the difference between a zebra and a horse. Both are four legged animals that run, but they are very different in other ways.  Do not confuse a mediated divorce with mediation used as one component of a litigated divorce!

What Is the Difference Between Mediated Divorce and Litigated Divorce?

Unlike mediation, the litigation model immediately pits parties against one another as adversaries.  This has immediate consequences that affect every other aspect of how your divorce is managed:

• The way the papers are worded, and the way the papers are served, can cause hurt feelings right away
• If one party files a paper, the other feels forced to respond defensively
• The request for relief from the court puts all decisions in the hands of the judge rather than keeping decisions within the control of the parties
• Having a stranger in control of all decisions creates incentive for parties to jockey for position and focus on evidence to convince the stranger of their position, rather than to focus on truth or genuine best interests of the parties
• Assuming parties were capable of voluntary exchange of information, the excess paperwork involved in court litigation spends money needlessly
• Assuming parties were capable of negotiating on their own, the initiation of court processes results in each being required to hire an expert in court processes, namely attorneys
• Spending the family budget on attorneys may reduce the budget available to spend on other experts that may be needed, such as counselors to help with adjustment or parenting issues or financial experts to help with asset division issues

• Mediation is non-adversarial.  Even if parties have been locked into argument, the mediator will help parties communicate and work together for their common goal of separating amicably and continuing to work as a team to parent children
• Court papers are not filed until after an agreement has been reached
• Parties work out their own solutions rather than asking a stranger to decide for them
• The confidentiality of the mediation environment and the fact that mediation discussions may not be used later in court encourages candid discussion of pro’s and con’s of various options
• No resources are spent on litigation unless parties actually reach impasse
• Parties are encouraged to use attorneys as consultants, but the mediator rather than the attorney manages the negotiation process
• Once a satisfactory settlement has been reached, the attorney may be engaged to process an uncontested divorce, but complex legal expertise for purposes of managing court litigation is not needed
• Resources that otherwise would be spent on litigation may be reserved within the family for other things that are important to the family

What Are Some Reasons Not to Mediate My Divorce?

Even though mediation offers many benefits, there may still be many unknowns.  Some common fears may be, “What if I try to negotiate, but my spouse won’t agree?  What if, while I’m negotiating in good faith, my spouse is using the delay to hide money somewhere?  If negotiations fail, won’t I have to litigate anyway?”  These and many other important questions deserve serious thought and answers.  For mediation to work, both parties must, indeed, be committed to principles of fairness.  To enable each other to gauge fairness in some objective way, both parties must also be willing to engage in full financial disclosure.  Part of the decision to mediate depends on the leap of faith each party must take, to take a chance that the person they once loved enough to marry will join in seeking a mutually fair solution.  If both parties are willing to be fair, and if both are willing to engage in full financial disclosure, then there is a good chance their case can be mediated.

Consider stepping off the beaten path to try mediation!

What Are Some Key Benefits of Mediated Divorce?

As a divorce mediator, I help parties who want to find a way to take the high road.  Even when people are divorcing, it is possible to do so respectfully and with dignity, and to achieve a result that is fair.  Used properly, mediation doesn’t just reduce conflict.  It often helps parties achieve a better result than could be obtained through litigation.  Why is this so?  Most likely it is because lower levels of conflict result in more cooperation and thus a wider range of options.  Cooperation enables parties to work creative settlements that a court could not order; it enables parents to continue to work together as parents; and by reducing legal costs it also helps parents keep more resources within the family unit.

My hope then, as a divorce mediator, is that mediation will produce the best overall outcome for the family as a whole, including the children.  By helping people in this way, I am privileged not only to help parties make their best decisions for negotiation in the present, but also to choose a path that will result in a better future for many years to come, for themselves, their children, and their grandchildren.

If you would like more information or are interested in scheduling a consultation for divorce mediation, please call 803-414-0185, or use the contact form on this web page.

What Is Divorce Mediation And Why Should I Mediate My Divorce? originally appeared on Alexandria Skinner, J.D., Mediator and Attorney on January 9, 2013 and is written by Alexandria Skinner, J.D.. Copyright 2012. Please respect ownership of this material.

Alexandria Skinner, Attorney and Mediator

NON ADVERSARIAL FAMILY AND ELDER LAW AND MEDIATION

Welcome to the  law and mediation practice of Alexandria Skinner, located at 3924 Forest Drive, Suite #1, Columbia, South Carolina, USA.   I use my professional skill and training as an attorney, and additional skill and training as a mediator, to help individuals, couples, and extended families resolve conflict and implement legal solutions for transitions that involve personal changes of circumstance.  Most people come to see me for help with transitions involving divorce, marriage (prenups), adoption, guardianship, challenges of caring for an aging parent, estate planning, and for help with legal issues surrounding mental illness,   The emphasis in my practice is on managing these transitions in ways that are respectful, non-adversarial, authentic to the parties’ values, and sustainable.

You will find many resources on my site for family and elder law and conflict resolution.    If you need more than general information, please call for a consultation.   In order for someone to become my client, I have to know something about them and their situation. This requires a personal consultation and creation of a file in my office.  I charge $50 per half hour for an initial consultation, either by phone, email, or in person.  Use the contact form on the right side of this page, as well as the PayPal link below:

AREAS OF PRACTICE: 

FAMILY  LAW AND MEDIATION:   non-adversarial mediation of divorce settlements, negotiation of legal separation agreements, helping parties agree on parenting plans, filing of court papers seeking approval of uncontested divorce settlements and parenting plans, adoptions, guardianships for children, negotiation and drafting of prenuptial agreements (also known as antenputial agreements), collaborative divorce, uncontested divorce, and contractual legal arrangements between long term partners and never-married parents

ELDER LAW AND MEDIATION:  estate planning for middle class families, care planning for elders, planning for disability, estate planning for blended families, legal help for families facing elder care emergencies, adult guardianships, legal issues related to protection of vulnerable adults and people with disabilities,  succession planning for closely held family businesses, asset preservation for families facing long term care, durable powers of attorney, health care powers of attorney, advance directives and medical ethics consultations, representation in probate court, guidance for guardians and conservators for vulnerable adults, and assistance when mental commitments are needed

WHAT IS UNIQUE ABOUT THIS PRACTICE?  

Nonadversarial:  My philosophy is that families should not have to engage in an adversarial process to settle family matters.  On the other hand, peacemaking does not mean to cave in either.  Conflict needs to be resolved fairly and, where possible, in ways that don’t rip the family apart at the seams.  I seek to empower clients, individually and as a team, to identify and implement solutions that reflect their unique and individual values and circumstances and which address the underlying causes or symptoms of the conflict.   In my practice, resources are channeled into finding solutions rather than fueling conflict.

Interest based:  I first help clients identify the underlying issues that are causing distress or which may give rise to problems in the future.  Then, I help clients identify wholesome, realistic solutions to those issues.  When parties work as a team to address or neutralize causes of conflict, rather than as adversaries seeking to gain advantage over one another, it is more likely that they will be able to find creative solutions which meet more of their underlying needs and interests.

Workable:  Ideally, people will be happier with their negotiated or mediated settlement than they would be with a solution imposed by a court after a grueling, adversarial battle.  Because of the emphasis on finding solutions rather than building walls, this approach also conserves family and elder resources, and family relationships can be strengthened rather than torn apart by litigation.

Empowering:  The approach of a peacemaking lawyer also is  backwards from that of a litigating attorney.  In a typical divorce case, the very first thing the attorney does is to file legal papers asking a judge to make a decision in the case.  After this, settlement negotiations ensue.  My approach is the opposite.  My clients reach their settlement agreement before they ever file papers.  When papers are filed after agreement has already been reached, the case is uncontested and the judge is simply asked to review and approve the settlement.

Ethical:  I am also very clear about my role and my ethical obligations.  A mediator is neutral and does not represent either party.  An attorney is an advocate and cannot be neutral.  A mediator who says they can represent one party, or an attorney who says they can mediate, are both violating ethical standards of their professions.  I will wear one hat or the other, but not both.  This is discussed in initial conversations.   If I am working as an attorney in a case which needs a mediator, or vice versa, I will help arrange appropriate assistance from appropriate professionals.

WHO IS A CANDIDATE FOR A PEACEMAKING APPROACH TO FAMILY LAW?

Committed to Fairness:  Mediated and negotiated solutions for family and elder care issues are not appropriate for every case.  I only accept family law clients who are committed to finding fair and workable solutions to challenges that face families and elders.  I do accept elder law cases which may be litigated in probate court, because of the important value of protecting fairness to the vulnerable adult.   By limiting my practice to the niche areas of non-adversarial family law and protection of vulnerable adults, I am able to focus on quality and sustainability of results for people who care deeply about the long term vision for the future of themselves and their families.

Self Aware:  The clients who choose to work with me, and with whom I choose to work, are those who:  (1) understand the value of focusing on healing and wholeness in the long term, (2) understand the value of finding solutions that are fair, precisely tailored to their needs, practical, and sustainable, (3) are willing to pay a fair rate for those services; (4) agree to consult with consulting experts when appropriate (financial advisers, appraisers, psychologists and therapists, vocational rehabilitation experts, legal advisers); and (5) have a high level of insight into their most important goals and target solutions that reflect those values, rather than having solutions dictated or imposed by an outside third party.

LOOKING FOR A CHEAP DIVORCE?

Focusing on a cheap solution to family and elder issues can be penny wise but pound foolish.  The consequences of poor decisions don’t just last a lifetime.  They can affect your family for generations, literally.

I spend quality time with every client to learn their values, goals, and circumstances, to help them carefully consider their options, and then to decide on and implement legal solutions which reflect those individual needs and circumstances.   Your conversations with me may involve difficult questions and hard answers.   This is because half baked, knee jerk, and temporary solutions that punt the hard decisions down the road six months are just as unwise for families as they are for Congress.  The most cost effective solution to a challenge is not necessarily the one that is “easiest” or the one with the lowest up front cost, but the one that will meet the parties’ needs in a sustainable and affordable way in the long run.

While it’s true that mediated and collaborative divorce do tend to cost less than litigated divorce, the difference in cost  is due to effectiveness of the process and the solutions.  All emphasis is on finding workable solutions rather than perpetuating conflict and arguing.  Families tend to keep more money in their pocket overall, preserve relationships and ability to work together as families and as parents, and experience less need for future court action.  The investment in a peaceable divorce or quality elder care plan is an investment in a better future.  But please, don’t make the mistake of focusing on “cheap” when you think in terms of family legal solutions.   If you want a “cheap divorce,” keep looking.   If what you are looking for, instead, is a fair and cost effective solution to a complex family issue that has legal dimensions to it, you may have come to the right place.

NON ADVERSARIAL FAMILY AND ELDER LAW AND MEDIATION originally appeared on Alexandria Skinner, J.D., Mediator and Attorney on November 27, 2012 and is written by Alexandria Skinner, J.D.. Copyright 2012. Please respect ownership of this material.

Legal Representation in an Uncontested Divorce originally appeared on Alexandria Skinner, J.D., Mediator and Attorney on May 12, 2012 and is written by Alexandria Skinner, J.D.. Copyright 2012. Please respect ownership of this material.