Just My Musings on Life

Goodbye 2023 and Hello 2024

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Tue, 02 Jan 2024 06:15:00 +0000

All the posts on what this year will hopefully bring and the blessings from the past year. I'm not willing to discuss the last year and if this year doesn't get better?? Lord help me!

2019, 2020 & 2021 brought unimaginable loss.

Then 2022? I'm not sure I even experienced that year, I must have just autopiloted through it. I think that was my brothers cancer and I honestly, sitting here, couldn't tell you much about that year other than, I guess I survived it. Oh, yeah, I broke my right ankle, second surgery on the second broken ankle.

2023? I'm not even sure where to start with you. We have gone through my brothers first heart procedure, his open heart surgery, mom's first surgery, her second surgery that required 2 hospital stays. 2023 you took me to the brink that night as I sat in my mom's hospital room in tears because I had never seen her so sick and it seemed they forgot her, I had to find nurses to get her help and they seemed to not even know who was in charge of her room. She was in so much pain, you took me to the brink that night. Thank you Ruby for taking my late night texts and just talking me through that night when I really thought fear was going to overwhelm me. For being willing to jump in your car and drive to Dallas, I think that is why I called you, I didn't want anyone there. Sitting in that bathroom to not disturb mom and being so scared I was losing her and knowing for the first time in my life I was so alone. I had sat in that hospital all day telling everyone I was OK because that is what I've always said. I'd just never sat alone.

Aunt Susan falling and sitting in the ER again. I'm not sure if it's all the hospitals, ER trips or just being the 2 year anniversary of Dad's death but 2023 you left me utterly exhausted in every way possible. Today I learned I'm experiencing burnout, I don't think it's my first rodeo but most definitely the hardest. I've never experienced this level of exhaustion in every way. They have 8 "symptoms" and I said YES to every point. 2023 I am so glad you are behind me. Yes, I was blessed, God was good, He kept me but 2023 you left scars no one can see. I'm glad 2024 has arrived and I'm hoping and praying she is better to me!

Authentically Raw

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Mon, 18 May 2020 07:04:00 +0000

I've decided one thing in this crazy year of 2020! I just want to be real and authentic and transparent, just raw with who I am. I get so tired of watching people fake their way through careers, religion, life, etc. Sometimes you look at people and wonder if they realize how fake they appear? Maybe it's not on purpose.

I have lived so long trying to become good enough for my family, my friends, for a church, for a ministry and so on. It's crazy to think about really, so many wasted years because as christians we want to put on the mask of being the perfect christian. We can dress right, go above and beyond every rule hoping that this time I'll be accepted, this time they will love me for who I am and just love me. Then as time goes by and I don't meet up to the expectations I have decided they have for me I do them a favor and I move on. I mean seriously who would want to love a failure, a horrible christian. Sadly, I'm not the only one out there wondering how I can be better so that maybe the next person, the next church will see through the pain I carry to who I am. I'm broken, I'm hurting, I've never learned how to be good enough or loud enough or let's be real... fake enough.

So I decided to be me and guess what? I feel like I let yet another group of people down, once again I couldn't figure out how to be good enough, though they may not feel this way, I accept the words that cut into me so deeply. My attendance isn't good enough, I'm not involved enough, I don't do enough, talk enough, pray enough, sing enough, or so I tell myself.

All I have wanted for 20 years was to love and be loved and I've searched far and wide and yet I stand at a crossroads now it really doesn't matter which road I take this time, I leave nothing behind.

I don't know how to be a good christian, I don't know how to do ministry correctly, I don't know how to fit in, I don't know how to find my place because it's lonely out here and I was raised very strongly to NEVER make a way for yourself. God will raise you up if you need it, never man. Problem is I'm learning God can raise you up, He can bless you and it's the loneliest place you can ever live.

The loneliest part is people don't know, they have no idea what life is like. The struggle, the sick parent that leaves you laying in bed hoping they get stronger and not continue the decline. No one sees the tears of frustration as you find a place to just be alone to reach out to anyone that will chat for a moment because you need a break, no one sees the parent in the floor unable to get up and it taking every ounce of strength to try and get them up and you aren't strong enough. No one sees that fear of what will happen if I fail? No one sees the nights of worry as you listen to someone being violently ill and wonder what can fix it? The fear of losing someone and watching the decline of the next. It happens so quickly. Then you paste that smile on your face and tell the world everything is OK, it's not, everything isn't OK, sometimes I'm scared. How much time is left? Can I research a little more?

Then the anxiety tries to creep in because I'm pushing, I'm trying to become everything I hear everyone say a christian needs to be but I can't. I'm too tired, my mind is tired, my body is tired... maybe my faith is tired

Can We Be Good Enough?

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Thu, 07 May 2020 04:16:00 +0000

After watching a live video a couple weeks ago with tears pouring because she was saying things that I related to so strongly! She recommended people that related watch Bro Wrights series on YouTube called Shame. 🤭

I never understood why I carry guilt or shame when I don’t have sins nor have I been taken advantage of, yet I live everyday feeling like I can’t live up to what “church & religion” expects of me, yet my life has been lived trying desperately to do everything perfectly! My prayer has always been to just be used but felt like a little wisp that no one even knew I existed. I listen, back it up listen to some parts again. I’m thankful for this shutdown because what if I never took time to slow down and watch her video I would have never realized all my “good” was me trying to be good enough for everyone. Then when I realize I can’t I walk away because I can’t live up to their expectations and our life can get pretty heavy with health and the boys family, etc.

Maybe I just needed to “say” it to someone. For so long I thought to find acceptance in a church, be a good Christian. That if a church would accept me and love me I would finally feel good enough, sadly it's quite the opposite. I was left feeling more alone and more broken.

I moved place to place because when I wasn't good enough for church A, I did them a good service and moved on to church B. Sometimes I wonder why people like me aren't identified. We are searching and not understanding the why's or hows. All we are really looking for is someone that can stop and say "hey, it's going to be ok" and really mean it. Someone who can look beyond the well groomed Christian lady to the broken and hurting person inside. Just because I was raised in church all my life doesn't mean I have it all together, quite the opposite... church broke me. Today I'm careful, I don't trust it to much but someday maybe I'll be able to stand tall and strong knowing who's I am!

Am I healed? Not totally but for about 19 years I've tried to find my way. Interestingly enough I never felt like my issue was with God. He's awesome, He's amazing, He's blessed me way beyond what I deserve.

Is There Really A Purpose... In Our Pain?

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 03:04:00 +0000

Really been thinking on this recently. 2018 hasn't been a total wreck but boy oh boy has it taken me on a journey.

Several years ago God helped me overcome a life of anxiety & depression. It was a world I just thought I had to live in and there was no hope. My faith upbringing left no room for a failure like me, someone who suffered from depression and anxiety. I lived for others, rather than try to better or help myself I lived thinking I was no good so I would do things so that others could better themselves. It was a dreadful life, no joy, no happiness...

Then it turned around, I learned to put up boundaries and that I could trust God to not fail me. Man does that, not God. Funny part is I never doubted God was there, that someday... However I was hanging on by such a thin thread of hope and it was fraying. An amazing woman of God begin to help me find myself and begin to believe there was beauty in my ashes. I don't have a past or testimony of sin and regrets. My past is full of church attendance and making sure I followed all the rules. It was a life full of control and emotional and mental pain that most didn't even know existed for me within the walls of church and religion. A world of not measuring up, never doing the right things, life repenting for sins I was afraid I committed and didn't know or remember, guilt that wasn't mine to even carry. Then that life fell apart, I was left floundering in a sea of confusion, pain, guilt, shame, fear, depression and anxiety. I lost everything so when God begin to fix my life and put together something beautiful I felt so blessed, everything was good and I was happy and knew that God had put Joy back in my soul.

Then the 2nd Sunday in February 2018 rolled around, I walked through doors and I was totally and completely thrown head first into a battle I never saw coming. I thought because all my personal life stuff had been gone through and healing had started I was good. So I was totally blindsided by the attack on my spiritual life. When I say the present collided with the past, I'm not joking. A situation, which was not anything crazy or weird, triggered old memories, feelings and anxiety, fear and depression immediately engulfed me. I begin to deal with nightmares and anxiety like I had never faced in my life. I was so overwhelmed and angry because God had healed me, I knew without a doubt He has so why were all these feelings back? I tried pushing through but I realized I had no one that cared, yeah my family did, where were the friends and acquaintances? I found myself all alone, isolated and numb. Why? It made no sense, I took a trip with friends, came home worse than before. I was so confused and alone, I couldn't understand why no one cared. I went to the next church service and after just a few minutes I was so overwhelmed with anxiety that as soon at the oppurtunity arose I was gone, in truck headed to my somewhat safe place, a place no one questioned my faith in God or my walk with God, a place where I could huddle in a ball in my room and let the tears flow from all the pain I couldn't understand, I hadn't done anything wrong or bad, why was I fighting all of this? I was the "goodie 2 shoes" I tried to go above and beyond in obedience to church rules. I begin to question the choice where I worshipped. I remember the 3rd or 4th Sunday I went home early and I sat and watched POA and for the first time in weeks felt touched, I felt God, tears pouring I begin to follow link after link of sermons that sorta spoke to me but it was so temporary. It just didn't make sense I wanted a place to find peace, give me a little hope and encouragement. There was no where, nothing. God isn't the author of confusion, right? Ministry Fair rolled around and I wasn't going to go and then agreed for a few minutes and it sounds crazy but I walked into that very overly crowded room and panic and anxiety hit me with such force I can't even remember most of what went on, I signed up for things and no one ever called and I have no idea what I signed up for, other things I was already in so I didn't sign up and they never called either. Talk about forgotten and alone? The devil went to town with that one and the attitude that those I spoke with had towards me in the days after. I just have this to say, don't question my salvation, I've fought hard to survive and stay on my feet. In the "old days" when everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE turned their back on me because I made the decision to stay with my family. The only thing I had was God, He was there but no one else was. Everywhere I went I was shunned by those I knew, I got phone calls from "friends" to let me know how disappointed they were in my decisions and how shameful it was that I couldn't stay loyal. Friends who dropped possessions off at my house but was scared to actually come to the door, I guess afraid my terrible spirit of walking away from a church would jump off on them. It would have been so easy to blame God and throw in the towel. Instead, I would find myself in a fetal position each night in tears begging God to make it all right so life could just be normal again, so I would have a friend again. I became a survivor, a broken, wounded survivor.

I believe that life is a journey! We each have our own journey and no one journey is the same. My journey wasn't so bad, so I thought, until I was 23 1/2 then I really began a journey that ultimately led me home, I hope. A journey that isn't like anyone elses perhaps, a journey that is all my own, a journey of searching for home, a place to call mine, a place to call home where I'm loved and a place to be safe!

In March I attended a Ladies Retreat out of town, more out of obligation than desire. It was a nice little conference but a lady from that church spoke on Saturday morning and I realized why I was there. Her session was supposed to be on the relationship between a pastors wife and her ladies (saints of the church). I was unimpressed because attending a fairly large church I have very little interaction with my pastors wife so I had already decided it didn't apply to me but oh well, here I sit. She spoke about Mary & Martha and how Martha is a worker and we all need to be the Martha's but sometimes we have to stop and go to the feet of Jesus and be Mary. That was good, true! Then she talked about Naomi and Ruth and how Ruth followed Naomi and met Boaz and that was good, she was right and a very good speaker, I was surprised. The comparison that got me? Sarah and Hagar.

Sarah and Hagar! I had heard it and I immediately thought, well Sarah laughed, Hagar had a son with Sarah's husband and she was bad, etc. Then she begin to read where Sarah Ok'd the relationship between her husband and her maidservant and then we read Hagar was expecting. I don't know if Hagar really felt better than Sarah due to her pregnancy or if it was just a perceived feeling but regardless she deals harshly with Hagar and Hagar flees and we find her weeping in the desert. God comes to her and tells her he saw her tears and heard her cries and now it was time to get up and go back and submit to Sarah. That hit me like a pound of bricks! I knew instantly that God spoke to me in my heart and said... "It's time to go back and submit". I literally felt tears well up in my eyes. Submit? I knew I was experiencing so much pain, and loneliness (which I had never dealt with before) and anxiety and depression and I had gone through it 18 years before and I'm back and it's no fault of my own and God wants me to submit? I'm being hurt, I'm feeling pain, no one cares, no one even noticed for that matter that I had somehow become totally disconnected, forgotten, overlooked, overwhelmed with a pain I didn't understand. God wanted me to submit? I knew what that was about because in over 18 years distrust in ministry had kept me from truly submitting to a pastor in my life. Why submit when I had sat under so many and watched it fall apart? Hagar went back, submitted to Sarah and when Ishmael was born Abraham loved him. Best I could find he was obviously 12-13ish, I think, when Isaac was born? Suddenly Sarah was done, she wanted them gone!!! So she told Abraham to send them away. Can you imagine the pain, the confusion and the hurt? Hagar watching her son suffer physically sick but also, I'm sure, with the confusion of receiving so much love and suddenly you aren't good enough? I could relate to Hagar and Ishmael and I had no idea. It led me into studying the Bible with a new interest.

Then in April or May I went to a Ladies conference close to home and I won't go into details but I felt so out of place and disconnected from my group. I was hurting so bad inside and everyone around me was oblivious, I went hoping that the worship or the message would speak to me, nothing! Then toward the end of the altar call I was just sitting praying quietly and enjoying the singing when a lady I had previously gone to church with years before walked up and asked if she could pray for me, I said sure and pray she did, I was so touched because God had laid it on her heart to seek me out. The service was nearing close when a ministers wife from another church hugged me and commented she was glad she got to sit by me, we laughed and I repeated it back and we hugged again. That was that until a few minutes later very seriously she once again turned to me and asked if she could pray for me, she said "I don't know you but when I hugged you God spoke to me and told me to pray for you". I cried, because suddenly 2 people not close to me, not knowing the chaos of change shaking every part of my world was impressed by God to reach out to me. She prayed for a long time and I just sobbed, I had no words, I had nothing but tears and hurt and pain. In the middle of praying she told me God wanted me to know that He knows where I am, He knows the hurt, pain, he knows I feel so inadequate and unworthy and less than but He sees me as beautiful, He sees me as a precious gem, but not just a precious gem but a rare precious gem. One that you can't find another like it. That's how he sees me. She went on to say God doesn't see everyone as a rare precious gem but I'm that special to Him and He's not done with me. Oh the love I could feel in that moment.

I thought, well, that is a word from God and I'll go to church and find peace and victory over all this chaos. Instead I found even worse anxiety and frustration and loneliness. I was so confused, I even ranted on FB one night and that led to a deleted post and a text conversation with a lady I very much respect. She said sometimes the pain is compartmentalized and as we work through the layers we will find more pain and hurt covered up. She encouraged me to reach out to our pastor but how? I have such little trust and what if I went and he criticized my pain? What if he lashed out against it and I was hurt worse? I knew I couldn't deal with anymore. She had stressed how we need spiritual leadership and authority over us and once we submit to that than the devil can't fight us the same way. Because we have spiritual authority over us and she explained how much it had helped her to do that. She said revival is coming and you are a part of that revival don't give up now. I just never found the right time to set that up.

The battle kept getting worse, I was fine at home, God blessed me along the way and I felt like it was His way of saying hold on, the battles rough but I'm here and this is just a reminder someday it's going to be OK.

Then I decided to go to a revival service with my aunt at the church she attends. I went curious if I would find the same anxiety and fear, etc I experienced every time I went to my church. I'm talking literal dread!!! I didn't but yet there still was no freedom but I did find a level of peace. Then a lady in their church walked up to me and asked if she could pray for me (you seeing a trend here? I don't know these people so I know it's God) when I said yes she wrapped her arms around me and begin to travail in the spirit, a soul stopping prayer that obviously reached heaven. After a long time of prayer she said God wanted me to know that he knows right where I am and it's not over for me that He has a mighty work for me to do and that I'm precious to Him. I can't say that all the pain, anxiety and frustration, the hurt, chaos, fear, depression, etc lifted because it didn't all go away, but maybe it became a bit less overwhelming, I had hope again, I'm obviously doing something right for God to keep sending basically strangers to me to reiterate what others have said. Those past prophetic words I've received the prayers prayed over me by ministers I didn't know and didn't know me, they were not in vain, God hasn't forgotten those past moments. I may not understand yet, I may not understand tomorrow but all I can do is hold on and wait!!! God is in the waiting I've had proof of that these last few months.

I don't understand but maybe I will soon, if not I'll keep hanging on the best I know how. I can't let others opinions or judgments weigh me down because this isn't their life or their journey, it's mine! I know where I've been, where I am and only God really knows where I am going. I just want to be in the will of God and that is all that matters.

I am good enough, and strong enough. I will rise up, pride and arrogance and talent and performance is not what it's about. It's about a real true relationship with God where I'm overwhelmed with His power and anointing! No one can stop that!!!

UPDATE: All of that was written August 8th, 2018. Today is December 30th, 2018. Tomorrow is the last day of this year that has taken me through so much pain and turmoil! However, I did make changes, after weeks and months of prayer and soul-searching I did make a change. Since Dec 2000, I've wanted to go "home", I've gone through several churches who friended me, loved me, helped me. I believe in every one of them there was a purpose, a reason I was there. I found different levels of healing yet never ever totally felt like I belonged. I moved on a few times and would hope that this was it! This would be the place I would belong forever, that place to call home.

A couple months ago I visited a church and really enjoyed it, no one knew me and I stood with tears pouring as I felt the peace of God flow over me, the next weekend I couldn't go back to visit due to other obligations but I felt so sad. The following Sunday found me back and once again I felt like God met me there. The 2nd or 3rd Sunday I was invited to the front by a sweet friend that I trust deeply and as I stood there letting the pain flow and filling the peace and love surround me it struck me that maybe I'm home. Finally home, a place I belong. Nothing against anyone I know and any church I've attended but sometimes God's gotta get us to places where we can grow, where we understand how it all works and it gives you that warm coziness of home.

Life Changes So Quickly...

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 02:36:00 +0000

WOW, It's been almost 2 years and more has happened in those 2 years then I could have ever imagined!!!

So last August I fell... Broke my ankle/leg/foot in 3 places. I stayed with my brothers family for about 4-5 weeks before moving back home where there were steps. LOL.

January my parents took in 5 foster kids. March my parents moved to Cedar Hill and the end of April, a very generous person bought me my own home, in my name!!! I became a homeowner, a answer to a prayer I had prayed for all of my adult life!!! That's it in a nutshell and now my brain is thinking and praying things I thought I had closed those books on and I wonder... is there a chance? It's scary and exciting and just comforting all at the same time. Just knowing I can lean back on Jesus because He's got this!!! It's learning to trust, truly trust!!!

2016... Thoughts and Musings

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 04:37:00 +0000

So... I can not believe I haven't written since August. Bad me!!! LOL. I am going to TRY to get better, sometimes I've learned that writing is a way I can debrief in life and who cares, right? So here I sit thinking and pondering this new year and this new me! I remember the year my Dad burned is foot so bad, was it really over 2 years ago now? That seems so crazy yet it doesn't. That first year I didn't work much and I learned to live on much less that I had before. It was a year of hurt, fear and yet a year of hope. Then last year was a year of learning and finding my wings and living, like really and truly learning to live life to the fullest. In 2001 I quit really living, I gave up on all my goals and dreams. I packed away everything I thought I wanted in life and locked it up, it's like there was a little box inside of me and every hope and dream went in there and I locked it and threw away the key. Now 15 years later, I didn't know how to open it back up. I couldn't find the "key" and if I'd had it I was scared to face all that hurt and pain again. I mean, what if I got in there and it was worse than I remembered, what if the little good I could recall wasn't good at all. So last year I began counseling and Sis Vani has helped me tremendously!!! She is a God send to me. She can sit there while I pour out my hurt and all the bad things I feel about myself and she still loves me, she still tells me I'm important to God and I can be something in life, life isn't over yet.

So I began writing a new chapter in my book of life. I went back to school last September and I took the TSI test and breezed through reading and writing and fell a couple points too low in math. So I pulled up my big girl pants and walked into that big building (actually in the country community college is very small but it felt big, LOL) and signed up and started taking a half load. First semester I took intermediate algebra (for failing that section of the TSI) and a psychology class. I listed my major as Behavioral Science because I wanted to learn to fix people. We want to do Tammy's House and that means helping people. I learned in the last 6 months that fixing people isn't my strong suit and I was doing things and trying to talk myself into being something I wasn't, it's a miserable way to live. After a couple of session with my counselor I realized I was trying to be what I perceived my Mom wanted me to be so she would be proud of me and I would then find happiness. I realized that isn't true, happiness can't be found by finding validation in people or my Mom or family. I had to be Taniss, that's when I'm happy, when I'm just being ME!!! I have learned I'm a pretty awesome person that doesn't like hands on helping people, regardless how much I try it, I'm not good at it. However, I can run circles around those kinds of hands on helping people sorts when I'm in a office. Give me a computer, reports, paperwork, etc and I'm happy!!! I love it and in a ministry of helping people there is alot of paperwork too. I've had to learn to be happy with me and not try to expect more out of myself than I am capable of giving.

This year I decided to live, really live the life I want to live and make decisions for me not based on other opinions. I'm tired of living worrying about if I'm doing the right or wrong thing. So I traveled with a couple of girls to a singles conference in californina, LA to be exact. It was fun so I then went to a few concerts, then took a cruise with Crystal & Terrell and it was so much fun. This year is full of travel fun. Next is singles conference for a night or 2 and then New York twice, once with my Mom, friend and sister in law and then a month later with a couple of friends. Then ladies conference, prison conference and I want to find a quick cruise this summer to take Katy and Gavin on for Katy's birthday. I plan on going to Maine, I have never been there and I have always wanted to go, so... LOL.

This week started semester 2 with more Algebra and this time my 2nd class is principles of marketing. I feel like a fish out of water still but I'm a bit more confident this round. I changed my major to business management and when the adviser showed me the class list I sighed a big sigh of relief!!! More my style and line of classes, I was so happy!!!

So we were put in contact with a new contact for Tammy's House and I really feel like we passed a test and now God is allowing us to move a step forward in starting up. I'll write more about that when we know more.

Now I'm going to sign off, along with picking up a half class load of college classes to go along with my part time (25-30 hour) job I've also picked up a 2nd job to help make ends meet. It's not easy, it's actually very tiring and stressful some days I just hope I can keep it all on track this semester.

Ugh!!! Somedays...

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Mon, 10 Aug 2015 21:25:00 +0000

There are somedays that life just seems to much to take anymore. You get tired of everyone else feeling free to laze around, be "sick", etc. Then you are expected to pick up the extra load no one else wants to deal with. You just wanna say, I'm through. I get so frustrated and so angry, it hurts when no one thinks of others, you just wanna pack their stuff up and move them onto the curb. Do it on your own like you are now and see where it gets you? I'm tired of it all.

So I close my eyes tight and I wish a wish that my prince charming will come riding up on his big white horse and whisk me away to a land far away where the chaos in my life now will be but a memory.

Seriously, sometimes you have to wonder why God puts you through stuff when it "looks" like others lives are so much more care-free. If I was skinny I would have been married with a bus full of children according to others, instead I suffer with PCOS which makes sure I struggle to stay where I'm at much less lose weight. How do you compare to the beautiful Barbies of the world? I get tired of them being paraded in front of me as what is so desirable by men? I can't help that my body isn't made like theirs!!!

I finally found a diet plan people are using and I'm all alone doing it. I have to work in the kitchen around all the stuff I can't eat to fix stuff that about half the time isn't fit to eat. I want to eat what you eat, I want to drink what you drink, it's good, taste wise but it's no good for my body. Even a little bit makes a difference in my body, I have found. I struggle with so many insecurities wondering how I'll ever be good enough, look good enough, eat good enough, live in a good enough house when it feels like I'm the only one who cares.

That's all!

Twist and Turns of Life

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Tue, 07 Jul 2015 04:58:00 +0000

So much going on... Get this, I'm seeing a counselor!!! Best decision I've ever made. She's amazing and as scared as I was going in the first session I came out ready for the next one. LOL

Lots going on!!!

We have officially began working on becoming Tammy's House Inc. We are now a corporation and are working on getting our approval for our 501c3. It's exciting and alot of work. So much we want to accomplish!!!

I've gotten back to working on my Life Coaching degree which I think will help with Tammy's House. Then hopefully I'll have everything I need to start college in the Fall.

That's all for tonight. I'm tired

Pain... Some Wounds Don't Heal

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Thu, 02 Oct 2014 04:50:00 +0000

So last night I experienced a moment or moments of the most intense, excruciating pain I have ever experienced in years. Literally took my breath away, kept me awake all night and had me in tears most of today. What hurt so bad? That's the worst part, it wasn't physical, I can't take a Tylenol or Aleve and take the pain away or even diminish it. Unless God heals I guess it's a wound that will never heal. Funny thing is I thought I was handling it all really well, coping I guess. Yet in a split second memories and feelings not only began to march through my mind but I could feel the loss, a great loss, a loss I've regretted for over 20 years, a loss I can't regain. Now I have to learn to pick up the pieces yet again and figure out how to put all of this life that a moment of time was enough to overflow the box I have carefully kept all those hurts.

Then to learn that people were telling the truth, it wasn't the choice of the one I thought it was. That hurt just as much to know, what if it could have been different. All the years I've lost because I thought something was wrong with me, I wasn't enough. All the what if's and it's all begun again. To try to sort through all I lost that I didn't even understand why, I think it hurts worse knowing it could have been difference.

Now I have to look around and life through this moment in time without letting it comsume me. The pain is so intense. If only I had known...

Learning

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 04:46:00 +0000

So this week has been a really odd week.

Mom and I had a talk about me. Yeah, I know a very sensitive topic. LOL. However, we were going through old pictures and discovered I was very sad for a large part of my life and in talking about it Mom discovered the beginning of the sad part of me. A vacation we took when my Dad had recently lost his job due to the company closing & he had begun the journey of Myasthenia Gravis but we didn't know what was wrong yet. I was probably 12-13 and from that year and years on my pictures were of me sad, pain in my eyes, frumpy, and every gaining weight. Weird how things can have such a lasting impact on your life and you don't even realize it.

I'm 37 years old and this year is the first time I've really taken control of my life, stood up for myself and I've began to learn how to love me and find a place where I'm happy. You would have just had to have been there. LOL.

Do You Know What Happy Feels Like?

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 00:13:00 +0000

Last night I went out with friends and for the first time in years, I had energy, I had fun, I laughed, acted crazy & stupid, took pictures and didn't think ugh!

Happy is an amazing feeling!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Wed, 21 May 2014 00:33:00 +0000

I saw this on a post by Proverbs 31 Ministries and saved it as the screensaver on my phone!!! Just to remind me of all of God's promises and the recent prophetic words I've received in my life by men & women that do not know me or my past, present or future!!! God has a work for me and I have the answers I've just got to move forward, take the first step. Then this word came on FB from P31 that even though I still feel confused about the way or what doors to take, God is giving me light for this step. If I will just TRUST God & take a step, He will light the way.

He has taken us down a path the last 4-6 weeks financially that I wasn't sure we would survive. Yet He has proven to me each time that He has a plan and when I've exhausted all of my means, HE will make a way but it's always in a way that we think it's impossible and then there it is... unexpectedly. Sometimes, I am so stressed, scared and worried that I forget to even reach out to God in a verbal prayer, yet He knows my hearts cry and He understands.

Other times, like Sunday night, I just prayed a simple prayer. There was no mighty move of God with thunder & lightening, I didn't get up and run around or shout a jig. I just prayed a prayer! Simple as that! I thanked Him for what He has done for us in the last few weeks of holding us when we were falling apart, catching us as we fell, loving me when I felt all alone and unloveable. Then I reminded Him of the ways my family members are working for Him, we volunteer & minister in different way. We are living life in the best way we know how, learning our lessons, passing our tests and learning to lean on Him & TRUST!!! In like 5 minutes that prayer was answered. I had tears in my eyes as I realized one more time God had reached down and proved His love & showed me I can rest in Him & trust. I'm on a journey, I don't know what all He has for me, but I do know that the way is a little clearer than it was a few weeks ago, He feels a little closer than He was yesterday. I'm still learning, learning to take care of my "temple", learning to love myself, learning to not lean to others opinions of me for affirmation or my self esteem. Just to be me, to be the best me I can with God's help.

God Promised!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Wed, 21 May 2014 00:05:00 +0000

WOW, Life Has Changed!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 19:02:00 +0000

LOL. So I have had so many changes in my life. For the moment it's exactly what I had to do to save myself!!! Stress was killing me.

Now I'm home and caring for my family. I'm the House Manager and in some sick way (LOL) I'm enjoying it. LOL. Organizing, cleaning, caring suits me well!!!

I'm losing weight, my BP is running low (never heard of for me) spending quality time with my family, taking care of my Dad and Grandmother while my Mom goes to school aside from her work. It's a way of life that is totally new to me but it's not too bad. :-)

Sunday I join 33,000 other women for a online Bible study called Made To Crave.

I desire a deeper relationship with God!!!

For now that's all. Gotta get my Dad picked up at dialysis, the kitchen, office, living room and my room are clean!!! LOL. Life keeps marching on.

Later Gators!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 02:32:00 +0000

Weird Happenings...

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Wed, 06 Nov 2013 02:48:00 +0000

So Saturday I had a "episode" not sure what it was but it's likely it was a mini stroke. Scared me to death. So eating better has begun. LOL. I don't want to die, yet. LOL. I've been under an extreme amount of stress and I think just being really tired and stressed was more than my body could handle. I've been taking it much easier. Things have to change I can not continue this spiral.

Being Real Tonight

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Wed, 11 Sep 2013 04:41:00 +0000

So I'm not one of those "single & lonely" types so the last few days have been a really weird time for me. This is my blog so if you don't want to see the real me, move on. I am having to deal and work through some things for me and it's really pulled the rug out from under me. I thankfully have my brother to call and talk through things because my mind gets overwhelmed!!!

I have never been one to feel lonely, I've never really used that word alot but the last few days/weeks have been lonely. I work, go home or to church to a function and go home. I've made a couple friends along the way but they aren't all healthy relationships. Some are negative and I struggle to balance with them.

I have begun to realize that my confidence issues and self esteem problems are partially stemming from my weight and the fact I feel like I'm less than and that growing up with "constructive criticism" has only taught me that by being overweight I'm not good enough... "if you could lose weight guys would take notice" "as long as you are large you won't get married" "you have a pretty face but you would be so much prettier if you were smaller" "it's OK to be big you just probably won't ever marry but that is OK". Those things are probably said in passing and never remembered but for me they stab in really deep and I run back to the one thing that never says those things and that is food. Everyone of those comments are usually followed up by pizza or nachos or lasagna. I wish I had the support of those I love the most.

It's funny to really think it all through because the one thing people think I have looking from the outside in is love and yet the 1 think I crave more than anything is love and acceptance and to make people proud of me. Instead I feel like all I do is fail and not live up to expectations because I don't do exactly what others think I should. It's weird because deep inside I've had all these feelings and yet I hid it from everyone because I thought those thoughts were horrible & selfish and made me this horrible horrible person. Those are things I've been told and it affected me.

Then the last few weeks I've been really thinking about my faith and relationship with God. I've been thinking over some things in my spirit and then Sunday night was a moment... No, I didn't have that major breakthrough I need so desperately but 5 people said things to me that went deep and I think opened up some of the secret places in my heart. I called and talked to my brother because he never judges me, tells me I'm crazy, he just uses The Word & experiences and shares that with me. He will be real with me and tell me the things that are hard to accept and then loves me even if it takes me awhile to learn them.

So tonight I sit/lay here and I have tears pouring down my face. It's a weird feeling to me because it's not me, I am not this weak. I don't show my vulnerability to anyone. Yet I lay here not really feeling sad, or depressed yet I'm crying, I feel that lonliness I've never really known in my quest to stay so busy and try to ignore those things that made my "not perfect". In my mind I know I can't be perfect so I gave up even trying. I tucked away all those feelings and dreams and desires away. Now I struggle with trying to figure out how to learn acceptance. Weird, huh? I know, but Sunday night I realized while praying that I have to find healing from pain in my past, hurt from the present and fear of the future and what the outcome will be if I don't allow the control of others to dictate to me who and what i should be. Tonight is a different kind of lonliness I guess, I think Sunday night some of the places I store my hurt and pain opened up and my eyes were opened and now all that hurt is slowly leaking out and I don't know how to deal with that for sure. I've never dealt with stuff I ignore the painful hurts and hope that someday they just wouldn't be there anymore. Instead God is saying it's time to open all those places and let the hurt out. It's scary because I don't know what will happen or what the outcome will be for me. How will I deal? I've been on a journey but God just got more serious and now I look around and the walls I have built up are so tall and thick... I've shielded myself from what I thought was pain and now I realize it was from dealing.

I'm going to try to chill out and get some sleep. Tomorrow night is church and I don't have to be on Praise Team, that means I can hit the prayer room for a few and maybe just maybe God will take me another step. I'm on a journey and all these layers are being peeling back 1 by 1.

The Butterfly

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Mon, 02 Sep 2013 23:25:00 +0000

A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.

Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of the cocoon are God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.

If God allowed us to go through all our life without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

Not only that, we could never fly.

- Unknown

I'm thankful for the trials God has led me through & those He is leading me through and the many more I'm sure He has prepared for me. LOL. I've always been told the hurts in life, the struggles will make you stronger. Reading this I understand. I have to become strong in order to become what I need to become. The more I go struggle through, I believe the more beautiful I will become.

I'm Not Sorry...

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Mon, 02 Sep 2013 01:13:00 +0000

So, as you browse your social media network and notice that friends are dropping away. Not those that FB randomly decides you aren't friends with anymore. It's those that you know why, because someone else doesn't like the way you chose to live life. At first it always makes me a little sad inside because I know that I would never endanger or share confidential things with those I know don't get along or have issues with one another. I've lived my whole life trying to be that person who you can trust.

Today I went to look at something and noticed a person that just a week ago was connected to me and today, they aren't. I'm sure I know why but I don't regret it. My family has chosen to forgive, put the past behind us and move forward. It just so happens that as God has moved us into the place He wanted us to be we crossed pathes with people who aren't popular by old friends. God knew 13 years ago what the future would hold and who He would place in our lives. People have a variety of reasons and opinions and the funny thing is.. LOL, they are all wrong. My family is involved in a ministry that has placed us in position to help others.

The last few weeks, I have just felt like inside something is just bubbling waiting for that right moment to emerge. I have been pondering what does God have for my future? It seems like daily I feel rejection and it hurts, but I can't have both worlds and I've always tried to make decisions that lead me TO God. So in the past few weeks my family has reached out to others that have had a major hardship. Do we agree with all the details? NO, is it just loyalty of the past? NO, it's because deep inside we know, in prayer God calls us to a place where it's not popular, where friends will turn their backs and walk away, people will judge and criticize but I can say I love them, I love every person who has ever impacted my life in any way. I think on the memories I have and I can smile and laugh and see where who I am today is because of the hardships of the past. I've come through battles that others may never face and the pain and wounds and scars it brought to my heart and soul... The scars will never go away. However, (or as we have heard in conference this weekend) YET, I will still praise Him. I don't understand the pain, I don't understand the hurt, I don't understand the loneliness of friends walking away, I ask God Why? I think somewhere inside of me I can hear Him speaking that it's The Calling... That feeling inside that is pulling me, calling me to something deeper, something stronger that ever before. I have to trust the process and reach up and accept the things that fall away are just His plan.

Someday, LOL, they will see me and where God is taking me and it will be so beautiful and so amazing. It will show that those that have tried to hurt me and drag me down were so wrong, they were just part of my "cocoon".

A few weeks ago my brother felt led to write and send me a email and he didn't know that he spoke so much encouragement into my spirit because it was just a confirmation from God that it's all goign to be worth it. God has something for me.

Then in our Singles SS class a couple weeks ago we talked about the caterpillar and the cocoon and the butterfly. The caterpillar has to struggle and fight to escape the cocoon and become that beautiful butterfly that can fly and survive. If he doesn't struggle the butterfly won't be able to fly. I went home that afternoon and one of the first tweets I read was about the cocoon and the butterfly, at work... guess what? The caterpiller, cocoon and butterfly. I know inside, I'm that caterpillar, I'm fighting and struggling to survive, but someday I am going to emerge as a beautiful butterfly and those that walked away and hurt me will shake their heads in wonder at how, did it happen.

That's all for today, just feeling that and hope to try and blog more often for me.

Conkle Family Photos May 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Wed, 22 May 2013 01:03:00 +0000

Hope you enjoy the FIRST Family Photo Session.

This is our part of The Conkle Clan!!! LOL

Nanny (great-grandmother) Grandad & Memaw (grandparents) and the grandkids

This is probably my FAVORITE picture we did!!!!

My Nephews and Nieces (L-R Landon, Lillyan, Gavin & Allyson)

Lillyan - 4 Months

Landon - 4 Years

Gavin - 10 Years

Allyson - Almost 6 Years

Chantry & Tiffany

My Little Brother & Sister In Law

4 Generations - Nanny, Dad, Chantry & Gavin

Linda & Glen

Memaw & Grandad

ME!!! LOL.

It was so much fun and our pictures turned out great!!! Many THANKS to my very creative and talented sister in law.

“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.”
― Mother Teresa

Lucy The Goosey MOVES!!! Grudgingly...

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Sat, 23 Mar 2013 16:49:00 +0000

Howdy Doo, from the Funny Farm!!! How Doo to all those that have enjoyed my past stories about my little "farm" and to those that have sent me notes asking when I would be writing more.

I'm back and do you know since Rowdy, Oreo, Lexington & Precious moved it had gotten pretty boring. Sarah and Sassy escape from time to time but they don't work up any funny stories. Just boring old life. Lucy talks to us but still...

Now don't ask me how but a rooster and 3 hens have revitalized the Funny Farm and they aren't the funny ones. Goliath is the biggest rooster I've ever seen and his goal is to eat me. No joke. One hen was getting picked on and so we had to move her out and in with the Silkies. The Silkies aren't regular laying hen fans so, yeah, you guessed it... BUT, they tolerate her most of the time. She keeps to herself and out of their way and they are good. However in a pen with NO way out the hen gets in and out of the Silkie cage. Weird I know. I go out and she is in at night and out in the morning. Guess she is a ghost. HAHA. More on her later.

We couldn't keep Sara Jayne and Sassy Maye in the barnyard area so we moved them into the backyard and moved our dog, Spoochie Grace, into the barnyard. Spooch is the size of a small horse and so she loves the extra space but she also enjoys chasing Lucille "Lucy" the Goose. Lucy is very bossy and vocal and we have never clipped her wings and she has never flown away. I think that is odd but obviously she is happy here. She would love to be a Mother Goose so if anyone knows where I can get fertile geese eggs or a couple goslings let me know. I'm thinking about letting her be a Momma. This post is all about Lucy!!!

Spooch enjoys and good game of chase with Lucy from time to time and though she has never hurt her or "caught" her my Mom freaks out EVERY time. So I believe it was me that came up with the idea... throw Lucy in the backyard with the goats until we can build her a pen all her own. Well, After a couple days, Mom out of town, Dad mentioned to me at midnight one night that the goats water bucket is on the back deck and Lucy doesn't go up there. So we talked and decided we would put a storage crate that is extra back there and I would go around get the water hose over the fence to Dad and turn the water on and then that would serve her until we could figure out what else to do. On my way around I thought, what a retard I am. If I'm going through all this trouble why not dump her little swimming pool and throw it over. HAHAHA, she liked that idea but oh boy did I ever get a goose cussing in Goose-ese. You would have to understand the language as I do. She was mad as only Lucy can be because that pool hit the ground with NO water. As soon as the water started running into the pool she was in the pool just a honking and bathing. She makes me laugh so hard. So that was that... But was it???

This morning Dad looked out the back door and said, the goats needed water and he would get it. He filled up the water jug and took it out back and came back in and said Lucy wasn't out there, he honked at her and she didn't answer (she always answers you). So I grabbed shoes ran outside and sure enough, no Lucy. I looked everywhere, in the goathouse, under the deck, still no Lucy. So I ran out the front and around to the barnyard and yeah, it rained today and it's a muddy mess out there. Ran over to the barn and there in a corner under dog area was Lucy in a corner on her nest. She escaped the backyard through a little hole Spooch dug out to see into the backyard. So I grabbed her up and 2 eggs and carried her through the house and put 2 eggs near her pool. Nope that did not work. She ran the fence honking and then headed towards Spoochs peephole. I blocked it up yelled at Dad to come help and then I went out walked the mud back across to her nest and gathered the 6 eggs that were left, Spooch had taken off with 1. I also grabbed hay, etc from her nest and we carried it back around. That dumb, well actually rather smart goose, went over counted her eggs and arranged them, came back out and started griping through the fence, she knows there is an egg missing I think. So for now she has her nest rearranged and has bathed and seems to be settling into backyard living but WOW, this battle will be renewed once the chicks start hatching and she heads back over to chicknap or try at least.

Hope my Funny Farm friends enjoy our latest... I'm thinking about getting ducks this year, I want Mallards, I'm picky. LOL. check out my previous post to see pics of our newest birds!!!

Welcome Goliath and His Girls

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Sat, 23 Mar 2013 16:00:00 +0000

Welcome to Goliath and his 3 girls. Here are some pics, enjoy and I'll write about them in more detail later...

Meet Goliath above and his girls below!!!

House Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 04:32:00 +0000

OK, so my house and the process of everything to do with it is now set up. Go on over and enjoy!!! http://girlandherhouse.blogspot.com/

Update

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:03:00 +0000

Well, my word. Just scanned my own blog and I've not put up any recent pictures of my house. LOL.

Alot of people over in Facebook land like to read my ramblings and I don't always have time to stop over here and chat. So here I am, gotta few minutes to sit and chat. I'm going to start a new blog I think, I'll keep this one but start one I don't mind sharing with the world. I mean if you want to read this one, read on, but I post it all here when I'm in my moods. Helps me get it out and then I feel better and the only one the wiser are the few of you that show up here. LOL. So watch for my new blog and I hope you enjoy it.

My Thoughts of Recent Days!!

noreply@blogger.com (Taniss) — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 04:25:00 +0000

Alot has changed in life in the last few months of life. Ups and Downs. Ins and Outs. I'm coming into a mood of wanting to blog and write and put my thoughts and feeling down somewhere and so I always tend to find my way back here to the blogospere where I put my thoughts down in a area that I have found that I can put my tears, fears and some happy times too. I've written in my darkest days and in my happiest days and in those days like recently where I feel God has me at a point of decision... How far do I really want to go OR let me phrase it this way, how close to HIM do I want to be?

What a week or so ago Bro. David Smith was at our church and on a Tuesday night he had us prophesy out loud. Just whatever we could think of put it out there and begin to claim it. He even said, "Some of you will see your miracles/healings coming to pass by this coming Sunday". I thought well, I've NEVER done ANYTHING like that in my ENTIRE life, LOL, so why not. I'll do/try/say anything 1 time. So I begin to just lay it all out there for God, I spoke of everything from my family and home life, to my brothers family and life to my aunts family and life, my job, my job, my JOB, haha, my health, my weight, my singleness, my desires and dreams, my desire/dreams/thoughts, etc on what I thought was where I belonged in ministry in my church, I just laid it all out there. Sunday night or Monday night Teresa and I were sitting talking in the living room and I was sharing a testimony from church and I said, I guess I didn't pray or talk right or something because none of mine happened. She said yeah, and then she asked "Did you pray about your weight?".

LOL, I thought it over and said yes, I prayed that God would give me whatever I need to help me lose weight, she gave a little laugh and said "Ummm, your personal trainer is moving out here". I stopped and thought about it and laughed, I guess God did answer it just wasn't really what I was expecting.

Lezli has come to stay with us and I believe help me with my weight loss. She has already begun to help me, we've walked and worked out and honestly, I am feeling better already. I'm excited to see what will come along for me. I was thinking tonight not only will she help me with my weight loss but in helping me there I will begin to feel better about myself and then my confidence will come back and maybe someday, "Taniss" will totally emerge again. LOL. Amazing how life and work and people can drag you down until you don't even recognize yourself and you have nothing left and they don't even realize the damage they are pouring onto you. It's sad.

I was talking with Lezli Sunday afternoon and we were talking about God and church and such and we begin to talk about sacrifice, I don't think I realized it until recently exactly what was happening but inside there has been a stirring, for the deep things of God, it's been there to an extent for years but it's like lately I'm not just longing for it, something is calling me, reaching for me. I've been to that place before and it's a closer walk with God. I loved it, being close to Jesus is more important to me than anything, I've said it a million times. The past few weeks I've been praying asking God to draw me deeper and the things and people I have to leave behind, give me the strength to give them up. See, recently several of my long time friends and I have just drifted away from each other. I tried to keep contact and they were always so busy, family and work, social activities, etc. At first it hurt and then I remembered back then... When lonliness was common, people didn't understand me and only Jesus mattered. Sacrifice!!! I told Lezli the more we sacrifice or the greater the sacrifice it seems the closer to God we get. I know the sacrifice, I've been there before, to my flesh it hurts, I don't want too... But to be close to God, for that amazing anointing to fall over me once again, to find that place where HE finds me. Am I willing to sacrifice it all again? It hurts, it's lonely, people think you strange...

Time to choose.