Just Nesting

Moving AGAIN, sorry

2015-10-20T17:33:00.003-04:00

Hey Guys! I started a diet on October the 1st and didn't know how it was going to go so I kept quiet but I've been writing on http://dietchick.blogspot.com for a couple weeks now. I'd love for you to follow me there and Instagram too: justnesting.

Thanks!

Lesser

2015-07-21T19:21:00.000-04:00

I just removed two of my favorite designer blogs from my Feedly. It's been coming for a while. Design blogs used to be the average person (like me!) who likes to decorate their house and wants to share their choices and progress. But it's not like that anymore. It's just about making money and I'm over it.

It just feels weird to stop reading a couple of people who you once really adored. They were like your favorite, you got so many ideas... blogging has really changed.

I think about my blog all the time, which is funny because obviously I never write here. I always think to myself, just write for yourself, write what you want to write about and stop worrying who's reading it or the insignificance of it.

I have to admit, now that I know I'm living my life without being a mom, I feel a little lesser, a little what to do with myself, a little what matters now, what's important now. It's a weird feeling to chase something for so long and then it's gone. The "now what" is taking longer than I thought it would.

I think about all my friend moms on Facebook, they never post anything if it doesn't have to do with their kids. So you can see how not having kids throws a huge wrench in what the hell am I supposed to write about because that's what everyone my age does.

And yet I still want to write here. Write somewhere.

Sigh.

The Movie - While We're Young

2015-05-25T13:55:00.001-04:00

**Hey Guys, I write posts all the time and I never publish them, I don't know why I chicken out. But I've decided to go back through them and try to edit them for content and publish them for real.**

We saw the almost great movie "While We're Young," this weekend as part of a rare double feature (the other movie was the brilliant "Ex Machina" where I found out I'm the most naive person in the world: Sure Robot, I'll help you!). "When We're Young" is so perfect in showing what 43 is like and what 43 with no kids is like. I mean it's so perfect that I wasn't going to criticize it until Brian was like, they (or he) should have left out all the documentary stuff. I agree, it bogged down the movie.

**Major Spoiler**

"And," I said, "I wish they didn't adopt at the end."

Brian nodded.

"I just like the idea that there are some functional, happy people in the world living their lives without kids."

But, apparently, it's impossible for a movie to end without the cliched pregnancy or in this case, adoption.

There's a scene where the lead 43 year old childless female, Cornelia, decides to go to a musical mommy class and almost has a panic attack. And a scene where Fletcher (their friend with kids) describes life with a baby that felt so right to me, like the secret underbelly of parenting that no one talks about. I wanted more of that, I wanted the movie... I guess I wanted it to be something it wasn't, or started out to be and then finished with A Classic Hollywood Ending. It would have been nice if they were just jetting off to Italy. I thought that was the whole point of the whole movie.

Boy was I wrong.

Over-sharing, Naturally

2015-01-07T16:41:00.000-05:00

This past year has been very valuable and eyeopening and sad and full of relief. I've been balancing 2 major life issues and they both seemed to cross paths somewhere and take off into opposite directions.

We are crossing into 1 year of being approved to be foster parents. I wrote briefly about our first experience with 2 toddler boys and we watched a 4 month old girl for about 24 hours a few days before our annual Christmas party. I think after deciding 2 toddler boys were not for me I requesting a single baby girl and I got exactly what I was asking for. This baby was sweet and cute and everything you think of when you think of 4 month old babies. She was not abused or poorly raised, her mom just made a mistake that was very costly. I realized in those 24 hours that I am just not cut out for this. Kudos if you are and if you've never experienced the full range of emotions that is fostering you just don't understand. But I can't do it. I just can't. And the thing is, once I realized that, I've never felt more relieved in my life. Relieved. It's a strong, powerful, positive word. So I'm okay with my decision, I am happy. I am accepting. I do mourn the loss of not having children of my own, but for the most part, I am okay, childfree isn't the sad, awful world I used to think it was.

So we decided to remove ourselves from the list. We are in the process of telling everyone, it's a strange conversation to have, so you guys are among the first.

The second major crisis is my mom. She stopped drinking a while ago, everything feels 2 years ago when you're old, and I think it was longer than that, but for the sake of argument, let's say 2 years ago. And I think she was aware that alcohol did permanent damage to her. It's easy to say yeah, a lot of brain cells were lost but you're going to be okay, but it's just not that simple. I don't want to get into it too much but something happened over the holidays and I realized, I think along with my brother and our small families, that my mom is suffering from a mental illness. I know you might be thinking, well, yeah, who isn't and that's how I used to feel too, but really, it's a big deal. It was a huge revelation and the holidays just ended so it's all very fresh but it's scary and sad, I just don't know what the future will hold.

I've had issues with my mom before but I could always blame it on the alcohol. Heck, I've gone months where I refused to talk to her, these emotions are nothing new, but the problem is there isn't any alcohol to blame it on, this is just who she is now, and it's really hurtful and feels kind of like being pulled inside someone else's rabbit hole and I don't want to be in a rabbit hole, if that makes any sense at all.

I've been waiting for the right time to tell my mom about the fostering. We have a pact not to sell anything until we tell the other person to see if they want our stuff first, so I'm waiting to tell her so I can sell my baby stuff and set up the front bedroom as a guest room. I'm trying to decide to go full guest room with a double bed or go partial guest room with a daybed and get like a giant cat tree or something for the cats. We rarely have guests, a guest room will hardly be used so why take up all the space with a bed when we can do something that might be used in that room. We both decided we love having the desk in the dining room so I don't think we'll use that room for office space. I don't know, we'll have to see where this takes us.

Sorry I haven't written in so long. I consider myself and oversharer when I write and that used to be okay on blogs but blogs have really changed (I know I keep saying that, it's just so sad to me) and I don't feel comfortable sharing such intimate details anymore, though here I am at it again. I never learn.

The Urban Sprawl

2014-08-25T18:49:00.000-04:00

When I met Brian he lived at Morningside and it had this impossibly large lawn. He was using an old school gas powered lawn mower that we had to take yearly for tune ups. We used the same lawn mower at the Big House. The front yard was small but it had the LONG side yard and a pretty decent size backyard. But when we moved into the blue house, even including the yellow house, the yards just aren't that big. The lawn mower had a last hurrah and died and we decided to go very old school and get a manual push mower. Brian thought this was great because he grandfather had this kind of mower and it made virtually no noise and didn't need gas (or mixtures). We get these like 14 inch sprigs that come up in the grass overnight, I think everyone here has them, and the push mower would just flatten them and they'd pop back up. So then he started using the electric trimmer as a lawn mower and then Brian hurt his back (mostly from using the trimmer for an hour or so) and we were kind of stuck, something needed to change, you cannot mow 3 yards, however small, with a trimmer.

I did some research and decided that a battery mower was the way I wanted to go and upon further research I definitely wanted a lithium battery, they last longer and are easier to deal with. The lithium decision made the mower pricier, so we waited until finances looked good and I got one on Amazon from the Warehouse Deals (I highly recommend this option when available, I've never had an issue, and you can save around 20% usually).

We love this little lawn mower. I've always been afraid of regular lawn mowers and the push mower was just frustrating to use, but this mower is very quiet (like a loud fan) and because it has a bag nothing ever flies out of it dangerously like a regular mower. We like it so much we decided to ditch our electric trimmer and it's 100' cord (the reason I didn't buy a corded mower the cord is way more of a pain than you think it will be) and buy the trimmer that uses the same battery (also through the Amazon Warehouse Deal) and I didn't need another battery so I saved extra money.

I just can't express enough what a treat it was to mow the lawn yesterday with our new toys. So if you're in the market, these I highly recommend. I'm not compensated at all for this post, I just like to share things that I really like and hope I can help you guys out.

Black and Decker Cordless Mower Black and Decker Cordless Trimmer

Hypothetical Question

2014-08-24T16:16:00.000-04:00

So let's say you decide to buy your 15 year old kid a brand new car. And the car's just sort of sitting there waiting for the kid to turn 16. And a relative says hey you're not using the car and I need a car, can I borrow the car until your kid turns 16. Is this fair? I mean, the fact that the car is brand new, and you paid extra to have a brand new car for your kid, and now someone's going to use the car and it won't be new anymore when you give it to your kid or does that not matter, should the important thing be that your relative needs a car, you have a car that you're not currently using, and you should help that relative out? Certainly if the car was used you wouldn't care but the fact that it's new, you paid extra to have new car, and you bought it new on purpose to have something new to give your kid.

What do you guys think? Is it crazy? How would you feel?

This Old House

2014-08-18T09:45:00.001-04:00

We finally broke down last night and called the AC company. Unfortunately we got the service guy who always complains about our unit and our house. It's such a downer. I can't help that our AC unit is next to the deck. I can't help that our crawlspace is 20 inches tall (at best). I know it's a nightmare, but it is what it is.

He's out there for like 5 minutes and comes in and says it's the return duct work. Brian's all IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT COSTS and I'm like SHUT UP DUDE. He's supposed to call later today and I didn't want to give Debby Downer my number so he could tell me it'll cost $800 to repair and I have to make that decision so poor Brian who has a jury trial tomorrow will get his call in the middle of all that. I did not live up to my wifey duties, however, I can't deal with this guy.

This whole summer we've been debating whether the issue was the return (what I think because it won't suck up paper and hardly any dust or hair) or the ductwork (what Brian thinks because the air is weak, yet cold).

When the repair man leaves Brian said, "You said, 'I knew it!' when he said it was the return but it was the duct work."

And I said, "Yeah the duct work of the RETURN, so I was right." Really, we were both right though I think Brian thinks he's right. If he was so sure then we should have just called the handyman to repair the duct line, now we're already $89 (service call) invested in this guy jacking up the repair cost because he hates our house. I thought it was going to be more than the duct work because we just had some duct work replaced at the beginning of the summer. But we think it happened after that because the air was working ok for a while and then it's progressively gotten worse.

Luckily this summer has not been very hot but my power bill was almost twice what it was last year at this time (in units used) so it's still a pretty big issue that has to be resolved. Today the heat index is supposed to be in the 100s, so that sucks. Our bedroom is still nice and cool thanks to our window unit supplementation.

News From a Fancy Bedroom

2014-08-12T18:50:00.001-04:00

It took me a while to make a decision and I'm certain Anthropologie is going to come out with to-die-for sheets any moment now, but after much consideration I decided to go with these turquoise polka dot sheets from Garnet Hill. From time to time I get a 20% off coupon and I waited like a week and could wait no more, I did luck out with free shipping. I hope we like our new sheets!

In related news, you probably know this about me especially if you follow me on Twitter and/or Instagram but I get a little over-angry when certain bloggers do posts like how to style your bedroom end tables and they put out fresh flowers and delicate objects all snooty like this is how all bedroom tables should look all the time. Especially bloggers I KNOW HAVE CATS. Because you know if you have cats, you cannot do anything fancy with most of your table tops. Because this happens almost immediately:

There is an alarm clock on my end table and it's attached to the back of the table with one of those cord cover nail things. That's all that's on the table unless you want to wake up to it on the floor. I just want to see these decorating blogger with cats real end tables. It would be so satisfying.

Where I Talk About My Lady Parts

2014-08-11T14:53:00.001-04:00

...I warned you.

I've been dreaded returning to get my annual gynecological exam because last year's was such a slap in the face. I don't even know if I wrote about it and now, almost a year later, I'm willing to accept my part in the fallout but, still, jeez, read my freaking chart Doc.

Let me back up.

Like every year you go in and they give you a sheet of paper to fill out. And it inevitably asks questions like do you have children, what form of birth control do you use, do you want children. And even though I've jumped off the Reproductive Endocrinologist highway, if you ask me if I still want children, I'M GOING TO CHECK THE BOX. Am I not supposed to check the box?

Because even though I was 42 years old, overweight, already had 2 operations for infertility related conditions, had 10 IUIs, have 2 new fibroids, the largest measuring 4cm, and had my appendix disintegrated by endometriosis, when my Gyn walked in the room she started talking to me about how IVF was an option to me if I wanted to have a baby. She didn't even throw in donor eggs, it was just, oh you want to get pregnant, well, geez, you really should, you know. I walked out of there stunned and a little pissed off. Later I expressed to Brian that I think there's some sort of marketing/referral thing, the company is ginormous and I can't help but think there's an IVF clinic tied in there somewhere. And I recognize it's kind of my fault for checking the "do you want children" box. But this year do I have to make myself not check the box? It's a little heartbreaking. I wish the box said, "Have you exhausted all attempts at medically treating infertility?" Yes, the answer is ab-so-fucking-lutely yes.

And the thing is I need to talk to my doctor. I'm not ready to roll in there with a quiet pap smear and get out of there. I'm having real problems and every time I bring it up, this will be the third time, I get the brush off. I was told the first time, when it becomes a problem then we need to address it. It ate my appendix, obviously it's a problem!

The past few periods I've had on the second day I have been experiencing a new kind of period pain. I get this sharp pain in my lower left side that's so bad I have real trouble standing up and I usually yelp in pain. Each time it happens I consider going to the emergency room, it's that bad. I'm in pain for about a day, maybe as little as 8 hours or so, and then the next day I'm back to my normal regular awful period pain. The can only assume it's endometriosis or a really bad fibroid (worse than I've ever had). I want someone to talk to me about having a hysterectomy.

I want to know why I wouldn't want to have a hysterectomy. If any of my readers have had a hysterectomy and can give me some information, I would be very grateful. I know hormones are an issue, how big of an issue are they? Are they more of an issue than these terrible periods I'm having? The last time I discussed this they mentioned Lupron and I don't want to go on Lupron. I think having another myomectomy would be counter-intuitive at this point and I don't want ablation, I've heard it's painful and doesn't always work. Why is hysterectomy not on everyone's radar? Why is it never mentioned? Is it because of the box? Because I think everybody should know what you want isn't always in the cards and I'm okay accepting that but I still want to check the box.

Truth

2014-08-01T14:16:00.000-04:00

I've been putting off this post for a while but I didn't want to confuse anyone so I just wanted to let you guys know the adoption with the boys didn't work out. I don't want to get into the specifics about it due to privacy issues and not knowing who reads my blog but I will say the boys were great kids, it had nothing to do with them, but they were way more than I could handle, Brian was and still is crazy about them, but we are on the same page about our decision.

We are still pursuing foster/adoption, I think one kid is the way to go for me, which is hard in the foster care world because most kids come with siblings. I've thought about this so much and continue to think on it daily. The one thing I realized in our experience is if for some reason this doesn't work out, I'm okay with it. I have a new peace with my infertility. That said I hope it does work out for us, I still long for the proper placement for us, I hope it will happen.

I've been putting off writing about it because I feel a lot of guilt (though trust me, relief trumps all) and I don't need a bunch of judgement regarding it. It's really hard to know someone's experience unless you walk in their shoes. We are all very different people. What you can handle, I may not be able to handle, and the same in reverse. This was the best way to go, all things considered, it happened on our first overnight so nothing was drawn out, they never lived with us, the trauma, I'm not saying it's not there, but I think it's minimal. I've been turning down placements since then because the last thing I want to do is falter again and nothing has hit me with YES I can do that forever (one did but a different placement was found). That said, if we get the right call, I'm in it 100%, and I really hope that opportunity comes along.

Sunbird, No!

2014-07-31T11:49:00.001-04:00

It's a sad day in the Just Nesting household.

My crazy over-adored Anthropologie Sunbird sheets ripped last night.

Thank god it was on my side so I have only myself to blame. They were quite the investment and I knew they wouldn't last forever. I should have bought a spare pair for this sad occasion but I will have to make due with boring sheets until Anthropologie or someone else comes out with adorably patterned sheets that make my heart sing once again.

Oh, Summer

2014-07-28T12:36:00.000-04:00

It's kind of a bummer but we broke down last night and bought a window unit.

Every year we have to have our HVAC repaired. I don't understand it, why can't it be fixed long enough to last a summer (or 2 or 3). And this year money has been tight so we've been putting it off and putting it off and a couple of mid-90 humid days (the nights are really the worst) and we can't get our air lower than 79 degrees by the time we go to bed, it's been frustrating. Since we know this time we don't want a quick fix or whatever the hell they do to our machine every year, we decided to take matters into our own hands until we can afford the big fix (all new duct work?) and buy this little fella.

Last night we slept deep and with all our covers on. It was magical. The added benefit is it's another mid-90s day and the house is currently 75 degrees, a downright miracle! I have our bedroom door open and our little machine on low and it's supplementing the house cooling to make it downright comfortable in the house.

I also was able to move the window alarm and this afternoon we'll deal with additional security and I think I have to get some matchstick blinds because I can't close the curtains anymore (last night I used a towel concoction).

It's ugly and it makes me feel bad because our central air isn't doing the job it's supposed to do but you know we aren't selling this house anytime soon and when we can resolve this problem, maybe for next summer, we will. Until then, we're making due and it makes life so much more comfortable.

Let's Hang Out

2014-05-30T10:32:00.001-04:00

In the land of 2 and 3 years old "play" means all of us, as in foster mommies and their friends (us). "Hanging out," means alone with no foster mommies. This is the term they use, for example, when they are babysat, they are "hanging out" with the babysitter.

I never realized how much I use the term hanging out until recently. One the beach I innocently asked M (the 3 year old), "Is the giraffe hanging out with us," totally not thinking about the power of the words I just spoke. He looked at me terrified and physically backed off a little.

"...I mean playing, look he's playing with us."

Whew.

Beach Trip

2014-05-29T17:29:00.000-04:00

We took them to the beach yesterday. The beach was the one place where I thought, oh this will be easy. I've spent my life from a beach chair watching other people's children and kids just seem to "get" going to the beach. How many countless kids have I watched run from the surf as it approaches in full on laugh only to chase the receding water again. Peace of cake.

Then it turns out the 3 year old is afraid of the ocean and the 2 year old runs at the water like he's a surfer about to dive in and paddle out into the waves. He doesn't get that the wave will knock him down and possibly drown him. So one of us stays on shore to play with the sand and the other one keeps the 2 year old from diving into the Atlantic Ocean.

Suddenly my fantasy of watching my children from a beach chair is kind of bullshit. The tide is coming in and the 3 year old is freaking out, he will only stand behind our line of chairs. I can get him to sit between my chair and his tiny chair to play with the sand. We make 3000 molds of dolphins and I catch a glimpse of Brian pulling the little one from a wave about to take him out.

Yeah, this is going to be different but it's still going to be great.

First Date

2014-05-16T14:01:00.000-04:00

I'm still trying to process my emotions. I'm kind of all over the place. When we left Brian asked me if he did okay and started crying. He was ready to take the boys home and so am I. I just really hate all this waiting and stretching all this out. I have to defer to those who have schooling and training for this sort of thing, I have to trust they know what's best but I personally feel like a quicker transition is better. It's been over 3 weeks since our caseworker asked us to look at their photos and decide if we want to meet them, which we did immediately. From there it took over 3 weeks to meet the boys. Now we won't see them for another week. From there I just don't know how long everything takes. I hope the line in the sand doesn't keep moving but it just feels like we can't get any traction. Obviously by next Friday or weekend they are not going to remember us and we have to start all over again.

And I wanted to be upset and mad about all that but then we heard that friends of ours who have been fostering 2 kids for over a year went into a court hearing that was to terminate parental rights (the last step in a long line of steps before you can start adoption proceedings). A family member came into court and the judge granted the family member who hasn't been in the picture for the past year custody rights. I can't even imagine the devastation our friends are going through. They've been with these kids for over a year and were ready to adopt and now their kids who they considered their own are gone. This is the worst case scenario for folks like us looking to adopt through foster care. Obviously placing children with family members is the best way to go but that should happen quickly, not over a year after they have been placed with a foster family who wants to adopt.

All the sudden waiting a couple months for your kids to come home with you doesn't sound so bad.

The Boys Beds

2014-05-12T13:41:00.002-04:00

It doesn't look like I'm going to be able to design the boys' bedroom the way I would like but if I could this is what I'd do:

Gray Toddler Beds, White Toddler Quilt, Toddler Sheet Set, Throw Blanket, Throw Pillows

I would also make new curtains, I'll probably do that anyway. I've looked all over and I still come back to this fabric.

It's a pretty expensive endeavor, at $17.50 a yard, and Spoonflower is not big on coupons, so I'll keep my eyes open to see if there's something I like equally (or about $7/yd less). I like the idea of the arrows, to try to keep as much of the "camping" theme as I originally was going for.

On a Lighter Note

2014-05-08T12:38:00.002-04:00

One of my biggest fears next Thursday when we meet the boys is we'll walk in and meet everyone and then I'll see their cat and be like, "Kitty!" and appear way more into their cat than the boys.

Do not get overly excited about their cat.

This is so important.

Take it Easy on Me

2014-05-08T12:22:00.000-04:00

As I suspected I had a difficult night sleeping. I did okay until 4am, which is Andy's time to attack Grayson because Grayson is sleeping where he wants to be. Poor Grayson, every night the same thing. After many failed options, yelling at Andy at 4am doesn't work by the way, and Grayson will get up anyway if you move too much or make too much noise, so I usually, every night get up at this time and feed the cats (they are on a "diet" and breakfast is demanded early) and close the door to sleep with no kitties.

Unfortunately this doesn't last. Grayson since he was free from his helpless kitten crate, knows how to "knock" on the door. And he doesn't stop. We tried to outlast him, but he will go forever. And it's loud. So somewhere between 4:30am and 6am I get up to open the door for Grayson when he starts knocking. Most of the time he just wants to cuddle but sometimes he wants to play and then it's harder to fall back to sleep.

Last night Grayson did come back in and cuddle on Brian who was sound asleep but my anxiety got the best of me and I was wide awake from 4am until 8am where I dosed for an hour (I know, I get to sleep in, I know it's not fair).

I've narrowed down my issues and it's not the boys, I'm still as excited as ever to meet them, it's just the way this is being handled. Before we even get to meet the boys it will be over 3 weeks since our placement worker called us about meeting the boys casually in a park. I understand there will be bureaucracy, we signed up for bureaucracy when we decided to Foster/Adopt and it started right out of the gate when we couldn't take the first class series in July we had to wait 3 months because we would miss the first day because of vacation. We get it. I get it. But it just feels like eternity and for something that our placement worker described as "easy" okay, maybe he said, "easier," it's pretty drawn out and the line gets drawn further out every single day.

Next Thursday we are tentatively planned to meet the boys at their home with their foster parents. Also in attendance is the boys' social worker and their Guardian ad Litem. For something that's supposed to be casual it feels like a big deal. It feels like a fishbowl. And from there we are supposed to have more visits and then alone visits and eventually sleep overs and way way down they move in with us and then we foster for 6 months or so and then we can adopt. There is nothing fast or easy about this.

I think I feel like the parent whose kids were taken away. Like I have to jump through hoops and do this and do that and don't have any opinions and don't change anything. Be in a fishbowl for the next 6 or 7 months and you might be a parent. We get these newsletters and they always mention ways we can help them keep foster parent retention and I'm thinking that might be part of it. I don't feel like I have any say in anything. I have to be perfect and take everything thrown at me and not have opinions or thoughts and be a perfect mom when I don't even know how to be a mom. I'm not a mom and now I have to be a mom in a fishbowl. It makes me very anxious and makes me want to give up on the whole thing.

And now I'm crying about it. There has got to be some way not to dump on me, not to tell me how to be a parent and how I need to do this and do that. I have to have some sort of control. Otherwise it's just fake. I'm parenting in a way to make DSS happy and it's not the parent that I am. It's not fair to the kids and it's not fair to me.

I wish I had asked yesterday the following question, "What sort of parents do you think the boys need, what kind of parents would be the best parents for these boys?"

Because to me, this is kind of like dating, like internet dating in its own way. I think instead of beefing up my bio to say I like when kids smear jelly all over my walls and I'm a super energetic mom who can tire the pants off two toddlers it should be something like Brian likes sports and wants to play sports with the boys. He likes to walk and take short hikes. He likes good kid movies like Toy Story. Brian is very funny and very logical. Brian is an amazing problem solver. Lori likes to draw and sculpt. She likes to teach kids math and to read. She loves to cook and entertain. She loves children's books probably more than anything on the earth (except Christmas). She loves water and likes to swim and go to the beach. She loves legos and other engineering toys. She likes nature walks and loves animals. She likes to dance and sing songs. She likes to photograph and would love her kids to be into photography. She also likes her house to be clean (because 3 cats put off a lot of hair quickly) and she likes to decorate. She is feminine and homey, she is a researcher and always wants to know more and do better. Does the kid you are looking for a home for fit in with what we have to offer. Sign us up.

But don't stick a square peg in a triangle hole. Don't say I need to be a square hole. They should know what they are looking for, they've had these kids in custody for over a year. Instead I just feel like I have to cave - I can't make decisions, I can't have expectations. I have to know how to parent super energetic kids, I have to know how to make two kids bond to me.

Further Updates

2014-05-07T17:15:00.000-04:00

On the meeting on Tuesday they decided they should all meet with us and have everyone ask any questions they might have. So this morning at 9am our social worker, the childrens' social worker and their guardian ad litem met at our house and we answered questions and asked questions. I had a list of questions, mostly for the foster parents about daily routines and items the kids would need - booster seats, strollers, etc that wasn't really useful for this meeting but some of our fears were waived including a medical issue that is no longer there, yay, and they are currently living with a cat, yay.

From here sometime next week, I think on Thursday we will actually meet the kids at their current foster home with their social worker and the guardian ad litem and the foster parents so the pressure's on us. Brian asked me later today how are we supposed to act around the boys and I said I have no idea.

As far as concerns, well, I want them to see me and run up to me and say Mama, but I doubt that will happen so I hope they like us when they met us. That's a pretty normal thing I think.

I'm concerned about their energy. Everyone keeps saying how energetic they are and I'm a pretty calm person, I always have been that way. I think I pictured being a mom sitting down with crayons or building thing with legos, making things with playdoh. I didn't really picture 2 toddlers tearing through the house like their butts are on fire. That's concerning to me. I know you don't get to choose how your kids turn out they are who they are and I agree with that to some level. However I think kids somewhat become products of what their parents expose them to. If we are camping people our kids grow up camping and I assume 99% of the time the kids like it. If we are artsy people our kids grow up doing a lot of art or playing musical instruments and I assume 99% of the time the kids like it. If you grow up loving sports and pushing the spirit of competition on your kids they are going to gravitate to those those things and most of the time (unless their parents are asses) they will most likely love it.

So here are two kids that for the past year have been exposed to life a certain way and if things go as they should they will then be exposed to life a different way. How easily does that change occur and what damage happens psychologically by making changes. I know what happens when you are 9 because I lived it but what about when you are 3. I'm so curious had my transition happened slowly would it have been easier for me. I kind of feel like it would be the same, in some ways I kind of feel like you just rip the bandaid off and get on with it. Certainly a 9 year old is going to realize one day they are drinking soda for dinner and the next day it's milk, whether it happens day 1 or day 20, it still changed to milk and you hate milk.

I'm not saying I'm going to crack a whip or anything on day 1. My goal is to start off everything as close as the same as it is now but things are going to change, there's no doubt about it. Some things will be good, some things I don't know, will they resent me, do things like that linger? Will they hate me forever because I won't let them do X, Y, or Z and that's the way it's always been (for the past year) just because that's not how we are?

Some of you are probably laughing at me thinking you don't change kids they change you and trust me I understand that. I'm just thinking about things from my narrow little unknowing viewpoint. This is why I wanted a baby, I'd have time to sort out all this stuff, we'd get to know each other before things like this had to be sorted out. I kind of feel like I'm going though those same emotions from when my parents got divorced/remarried/new families. I just don't know. I really need to meet the kids, see how I feel and how they feel, the unknown is getting to me.

...The Stretch...

2014-04-30T14:00:00.001-04:00

Last Monday, I think, this is what happens when you don't write in a timely manner, but I think it was last Monday we met our new placement worker. We were his first 90 day evaluation and it went pretty easy. I believe it was the next day he called me to talk to me about the two boys I had turned down, the 3 and the 2 year olds. He said I should really reconsider because they were already cleared for adoption and the process would be much easier than the standard fostering with visitations and stressful court dates. He offered to send me over a photograph and if I was interested we could set up a nonchalant meeting with them and their current foster parents in a park, just to meet them. I agreed really kind of surprised these boys weren't snatched up already.

Their photograph was adorable and after showing it to Brian and talking about it for like 2 seconds we agreed to meet them. I called back our placement worker and he was going to get busy setting up a meeting.

It all sounds very exciting doesn't it? Since then he's spoken to the boys' new social worker and she wanted to review our file over the weekend. Then yesterday our placement worker called and said there was going to be a meeting next Tuesday where they were going to go over a list of folks interested in adopting and pick the best one.

Though I haven't lost faith in anything and I'm not trying to be down about it, we were so looking forward to meeting the boys and seeing how we got along and mostly talking with the foster parents about their experience. I thought this would be a sort of simple affair, exciting (!), but simple. Now it's turned very bureaucratic (and lengthy), and it's fine, but if we are chosen then the pressure is there not to meet them and see how it goes but jump full in and adopt them. And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. If you adopt internationally you don't turn down a placement until you can meet the kid, you freak out and jump up and down and say this is my kid, it was meant to be. So, I'm trying to go with that. If every step works out then it was perhaps meant to be, if it doesn't, if we are turned down, that's okay too, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

We both are so excited and we talk about the boys all the time and about how everything is going to change and how exciting and special that is. We love their little faces and hope so much that they like us. I know the transition is going to be hard for them (and us) and I want to make it as smooth as possible but even if we are perfect, even if we do everything the right way, it's going to be tough, can you imagine leaving you home and your parents and moving to a new home with new parents and everything is new and different and you can't go back? They've already done this once and now they have to do it again. It's heartbreaking. I can't even imagine.

But we'll just take this one step at the time. I just wanted to update my blog. I was hoping for more exciting news but it really is stretching out.

More Assured

2014-04-23T17:40:00.000-04:00

We met with our new social worker yesterday. He is brand new at his job though he's worked in a similar field for quite a long time. We were his first solo 90 day inspection.

My favorite question was if we had running water.

Some interesting facts. We are our state's 2nd smallest county in size, the eighth largest in population, and we are second in having the most foster parents. Though they appear to be constantly recruiting my feeling is this is why the wait is so long. There are slightly over 100 foster parents right now and 4 people handle placements for those families. That means each social worker has about 27 folks to watch over and provide placements for.

We were told we can't also be foster parents in other counties but our bordering county has very few foster parents, I think less than 10. I so want to be on that list. I think maybe we should set a date and if nothing happens perhaps change counties (?). It feels very frustrating to no one's fault, I just feel like we've been waiting forever and I feel impatient to wait some more. Though really that's all this is. Infertility should just be called "Waiting," because that's pretty much all you do.

I just want to change some diapers. Play some Patty-Cake.

Babies Galore

2014-04-21T14:24:00.000-04:00

I looked up the history of the Easter bunny on the drive to my dad's yesterday and it mention that historically the Easter bunny and bunnies in particular (and eggs for that matter) represent fertility. Following the spirit of that we saw a lot of kids this weekend!

First I made Easter dinner on Saturday and saw my brother's daughter (our youngest niece) for the first time since she was born. She looks a lot like my brother, mostly I'm sure from the brilliant red hair. She was still so very tiny, the tiniest baby I think I've ever seen. I held her for a while, which was just wonderful. As a brief aside, I've always wanted to have my own baby because I always feel like you have to treat babies like glass, like the parents are panicking the whole time you hold their baby, and then the parents just fling babies around, my brother held her like a football on her stomach with her legs over his arms and she loved it.

When they were leaving my brother held the carrier down to Andy's eye level and I said, "What do you think Andy? Maybe we'll get one of these one day," and I immediately felt a little sad thinking about this terrible wait we're going through.

Then yesterday we made the long (not really very long but so miserably boring) drive to visit my dad. My other brother's kids were there. We haven't seen them since Christmas and my niece can talk now! They seem a little wary of us, I think they know we're progressive liberals and feel the need to keep their distance. They had an Easter egg hunt, which was the highlight of the weekend for sure. Why is it so fun to hide plastic eggs and make children who can barely walk on flat hard surfaces meander through pine straw mounds and over hoses to find plastic eggs pick them up and put them in a pink basket and carry on for more. We should do this every day! People should give Easter baskets to their kids to pick up their toys at the end of the day.

Today we got a call from our new "permanent" social worker to schedule a time for our quarterly visit. I'm so excited to meet our new guy. Maybe that feeling of being a lost file at the bottom of someone's desk will go away. It all feels so very positive.

The One Where I'm a Jack Ass

2014-04-07T17:52:00.000-04:00

I have tried to write this post so many times, there are like 6 drafts of this very post. It's hard to write a post where you admit you are a jackass. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have just reworked one of the ones I already did but I'm going to try to start fresh again. I'm just going to rip it off like a band-aid. Here goes.

I turned down two boys a few weeks ago. One was two and the other was three. To this day I am so full of ambivalence about it. What the hell is the matter with me?

The reality of taking in two boys just immediately seemed overwhelming to me. I think in my mind I envisioned a call for a three month old, like one kid, to get my feet wet, and I would get some time to adjust to having a kid in the house before having two crazy toddlers and feeling like I'm running a daycare. I felt like I was behind the 8 ball before I even picked them up. And I felt like I would never catch up. I hadn't even met them and this was my initial feeling.

But then later I started feeling like I had made a dreadful mistake. What if that was my one shot and I blew it? So many "what-ifs." And I felt like an ass. I signed up to help some kids that need us and then I turn them down.

This is a difficult journey. It's making me question everything. I hope I figure it out, I hope I get another chance to take in a child. I hope I can figure this out.

Since then there's been nothing, radio silence. I'm just hoping so hard for the best but I have to be ready to accept it when the opportunity comes up. Just say YES. I did finally buy a car seat. We are total ready. No really, this time I'm ready.

U. Update

2014-03-19T17:51:00.000-04:00

I remember having a conversation with Brian about the plea deal for the guy who broke into our house (U.) and how I didn't think he was serving enough time Brian told me not to worry that he would get out and get wrapped back up in the same thing and eventually get arrested again and do even more time that time. I wasn't so sure because most break-ins are never resolved, ours was a rare incident because the guy left a perfect fingerprint on our broken stolen television. That never happens.

He was done with our sentence in very late October and I wasn't nervous or anything about retaliation (I did have a 2 page letter to him read out in open court by the D.A. so I wasn't exactly going quiet into the night so to speak) but you just never know when you might run into someone, this town is tiny and downtown is tiny, you just never know. But nothing ever happened.

We've had some pretty serious gang violence considering the size of our small city. It was crazy in the news for a while then seemed to peter out. I remember thinking about it the other day and assumed maybe the news just stop reporting it, if you don't report it, people don't know it's a problem anymore. Then a few days ago someone was shot near the local high school, reported as a gang incident. The next day someone was stabbed around the same area (retaliatory, I guess). Brian called me that afternoon and said the guy who shot the first guy was the guy who broke into our house. This wasn't on the news yet, the D.A. knew and she told Brian and told him to let me know so I wouldn't find out by watching the evening news (that would have been CRAZY, btw).

It took another day and U. was arrested, his mug shot flashed on my replaced stolen television, Cheshire grin, perfect white teeth, a small glimmer of the baby face he had just a couple years ago. He's in big trouble, he may go to prison for up to 20 years for attempted murder, Brian says.

Man, you were so right about that, I said. I thought he would be robbing houses for years before he was caught again, and now look. That guy was in our house, that kid, who can take a gun and fire it at another guy's chest because he doesn't like him, he was going through my underwear drawer and scaring the shit out of my cats.

Attachment Issues

2014-03-07T18:28:00.000-05:00

Considering the definitive take-away from all those foster parent classes was essentially love fully but don't get too attached, and we know you're going to get attached anyway so just be ready to have your heart broken in a way you never thought possible, you'd think getting attached to my social worker would be the least of my problems.

I loved our social worker, I mean really. He made me feel calm and relaxed and assured that everything neurotic I was thinking was going to be okay. I never felt patronized or belittled, but mostly by the end of it all, after the classes that he taught and all the secrets I told him from the depths of my emotional skeletons, I felt like he understood me, and Brian, he knew us. He had been to our house multiple times, he saw the kid room, he saw our tiny bathroom, he saw it all and I had a sense that he was looking out for us, whether this is a thing that's supposed to happen or not. Certainly the foster family is way on down the list of who needs nurturing. But we do, the neurotic ones (like me) do.

So everything is done and sent off and we're just waiting for word that we got our license. And that day came and it was a happy day but bittersweet. In the same email our social worker said he was promoted. We now have an interim social worker until we get a new permanent social worker. And then we didn't hear anything for like 3 years (I mean weeks).

Our paper license came in the mail with our interim social worker's business card. And then more crickets, more waiting. And it's not like I didn't expect crickets, I know we picked a popular age range. Everybody wants a baby, right? So crickets, nothing, and I, the girl who can't stand waiting, needed something so I started setting dates, if nothing happens by this date I will... It helps me, even if that date comes and I do nothing. The date is way out there so don't panic. I just like having a sense of control when there is no control to be found.

Then Brian calls me yesterday and says our social worker called and asked if we wanted to take in a 10 year old and a 12 year old. And it's just been bothering me ever sense.

I was under the impression there was some data base somewhere with our names and brief note like "she stays home" and our age range. That there was a rhyme or reason behind every call. That a child would be in need and all the social workers are sitting around eating salads and one says, "I know who will be perfect for that child!" and the phone call is made.

Apparently this is not the case. And if it's not the case how will a proper match ever possible to be made? How are we on a 10 and 12 year old list? We don't even have twin beds, we have 1 tiny bathroom. I own a rattle. This whole thing is just starting to freak me out again. I'm just setting more dates, trying to calm myself. This can happen, right? Did we waste all that time? Do I have a nursery in my house for nothing?