For a country that engages in phallus worship day in and day out, India has been strangely homophobic over the years. The country’s approach to the LGBT community has been shocking, disappointing and at times just plain amusing. We’ve known that homosexuals have always existed in our ‘culture’, we have rock solid evidence (literally) for the fact that homosexuality was not just existent, but pretty damn common at that. Add to that, the fact that the government ever since it attained independence, has been trying to divorce itself from every trace of its colonial past, (to the point where the names of an airport, a major railway station and a museum and not to mention the very name of the city were changed in Bombay itself)  and it becomes rather inexplicable how the powers that be ignored all voices of reason to uphold an archaic Victorian law that equated consensual non-peno-vaginal intercourse between two consenting adults (same sex or not). It was almost as if they thought by simply ignoring the issue altogether as if it were a hungry dog begging for a scrap of food, they could make it go away.

Today however, the government finds itself in a precarious position. With the homosexual community in India (which if rumors are to be believed includes several high-rolling socialites, actors, directors, designers and the likes) being as big as India’s largest minority (in a conservative estimate, mind you!), there was simply no ignoring them anymore. On the other hand though, we have a section of the political scene (and a large one at that) that believes that pub-going straight women are dirty as sin. Decriminalizing homosexuality for them, is not just unacceptable, its positively insane. With such cards dealt to them, its unsurprising that the UPA government has taken a non-committal stance on the decriminalization of homosexuality and has instead let the judiciary go ahead and do the ‘dirty work’ so to say for them. Whether or not the government accepts the High Court verdict at this point of time is irrelevant. The question to be asked is, ‘Are the people going to finally stop looking at the LGBT community as  freaks and caricatures?’

Not any time soon if you ask Baba Ramdev, a man who with his Patanjali Yoga revolution over the last decade, has many- a-time prompted men of science to rethink whether or not certain maladies can be tagged ‘uncurable’. “They are sick and should be sent to hospitals. Or they could marry…or remain bachelors like me” he proudly pontificated through the ToI today.

The big fish of Catholic and Christian community in India, (a group which by even the most wishful estimate are smaller in size than the homosexual community in India), chose their words with a bit more caution saying that though it was important to respect homosexuals as persons, it was perfectly fine in saying that what they were doing was sinful, unethical and absolutely against the way God intended humans to live and multiply.

That apart, it is not uncommon in Islamic nations that homosexuals are punished with the death penalty itself! I do not know about the stance of the other major world religions when it comes to homosexuality, but I think I can safely deduce that none of them would be too enthusiastic about them.

And it is THIS aspect of religion exactly that perplexes me. I won’t go as far as saying that I’m an atheist, but I will certainly say that the ‘God is all forgiving, all kind and all loving*….Conditions Applied’ approach that every religion adopts does not convince me one bit. But let’s keep my views on religion aside for the moment and come back to my opinion on homosexuality. As far as I am concerned, as a student of Psychology and someone who aspires to be a Counsellor, I can say with complete certainty that the aforementioned subject that I hold dear, is responsible for the worst damage done to the cause of the homosexual community. Up until 1973, the holy book of Clinical Psychologists and Psychiatrists all over the world, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, (DSM), classified homosexuality as a disorder. Though over the years, proponents from the field as well as social workers have shouted their throats hoarse saying that they were mistaken earlier, the wounds have somehow not yet healed. Counsellors too, even today hold biases…some against homosexuals, and some like me, against those who are against homosexuals.

What can be learned from the above example however is that merely repealing or reinterpreting a section in a book does not change the perceptions of the masses overnight, it takes years of sustained effort and above all a willingness to accept those who are unlike us. It’s humanly impossible to never hold biases, but it is certainly possible to acknowledge that we hold them and that our biases can colour our judgments in no small way. Once that is done, it would be diffucult not to be able to accept each other. And that I dare each of you to do!

Dard-e-dil bhala hum kaise kare bayaan,
Dard-e-dil bhala hum kaise kare bayaan,
Aaj kal toh hamari tanhai bhi
Hamari baaton se pak chuki hai.

Tootay dil ko jodte jodte
Guzar chuki hai aadhi jawani,
Ab jo itna sun chuke ho
Toh sun hi lo baaki kahani,

Kitni suhani thi woh college ki class
Jab woh aakar baithi hamare paas,
Unki zulfon mein kho kar
Hum roz attendance sign karna bhool jaate,
Kai baar toh kamabhakat
Kisi aur ke roll number par
Apna autograph chaap aate.

Fir aaya chocolate day,
Sab ne kaha, “Beta aaj to bole hi de!”
Karke doston se paise udhaar,
Kar di humne shopping beshumaar:
Ray-ban ke chashme, aur do kurtay pure silk
Aur do hazaar rupay ki foreign wali dairy milk!

Aakhirkaar woh aayi,
Aur dekh ke humein halke se muskariyi,
Maine bhi tashan se goggle utaar diye
Aur ‘Happy Chocolate Day’
Kehkar unhe chocolates thama diye!

Par kuch hi minton mein ho gaya
Hamari khushi ka “The End”
Jab bike pe savaar
Aa gaya unka boyfriend.

Iss tarah woh bewafaa
Hamare sapne tabah kar gayi
Dil toh tod hi diya,
Saali chocolates bhi khaa gayi.

Here’s the same thing in Hindi text

दर्द -ए  -दिल  भला  हम  कैसे  करे  बयान ,
दर्द -ए  -दिल  भला  हम  कैसे  करे  बयान
आज  कल  तो हमारी  तन्हाई  भी
हमारी  बातों  से पक  चुकी  है.

टूटे  दिल  को  जोड़ते  जोड़ते
गुज़र  चुकी  है  आधी  जवानी ,
अब  जो  इतना  सुन  चुके  हो
तो  सुन  ही  लो  बाकी  कहानी ,

कितनी  सुहानी  थी  वह  कॉलेज  की  क्लास
जब  वो आकर  बैठी थी हमारे  पास ,
उनकी  जुल्फों  में  खो  कर
हम  रोज़  अटेंदांस साइन  करना  भूल  जाते ,
कई  बार  तो  कम्भक़्त
किसी और के रोल  नंबर  पर
अपना  औटोग्राफ  चाप  आते .

फिर आया  चॉकलेट  डे ,
सब  ने  कहा , “बेटा  आज  तो  बोल  ही  दे !”
लेके  दोस्तों  से  पैसे  उधार ,
कर  दी  हमने  शौपिंग  बेशुमार :
रे -बेन  के चश्मे , और  दो  कुर्ते  प्योर  सिल्क
और  दो  हज़ार रूपए  की  फॉरेन  वाली  डेयरी  मिल्क !

आखिरकार  वो  आयी
और  देख  कर  हमें  हलके  से  मुस्कुराई ,
मैंने  भी  टशन  से  गागल  उतार  दिए
और  ‘हैप्पी  चॉकलेट  डे’
कहकर  उन्हें  चॉकलेट  थमा  दिए!

पर  कुछ  ही  मिनटों  में  हो  गया
हमारी  ख़ुशी  का  “The End”
जब  बाईक  पे  सवार
आ  गया  उनका  बॉयफ्रेंड .

इस  तरह  वो  बेवफा
हमारे  सपने  तबाह  कर  गयी
दिल  तो  तोड़  ही  दिया,
साली चॉकलेट भी  खा  गयी .

An Account of my First-ever Trip to Goa.

Making a maiden Goa trip after finishing college is a rite of passage that most of us go through, unless of course one happens to be Catholic, in which case a Goa trip is an annual exercise undertaken to replenish the dwindling alcohol, cashew nut and sausage rations. Regardless of what community one belongs to however, a trip to Goa, where the golden nectar flows freer than the seas and everyone drives on high beam, is bound bring out the very worst in every God-fearing, law-abiding citizen. Even if one somehow manages to avoid the alcohol, and the strong urge to drive on the right side of the road, Goa at the very least, manages to knock out every ounce of fashion sensibility in each one of us, often leading to grandiose delusions about how attractive one appears in fluorescent beach-wear. Giving credit where it’s due though, I must admit that there is a certain something to the place.

Considering the fact that Andaman, Nicobar and Lakshadweep have all been made up by the government (Face it, do you know anyone who actually lives there?), Goa has the most scenic beaches in all of India. The aforementioned is actually a gross understatement. The beaches in fact are so spectacular, that one many-a-time forgets that one is still in India. The quaint little villas dotted along the shore too are certainly a throwback to the colonial era.  There’s a distinct possibility though, that the sheer number of European tourists there may go a long way in making you feel so. To bluntly put it, Goa is a tax-free alcohol-fuelled gangbang between the left-behind descendants of our erstwhile English masters and 1/10^th of the population of the now defunct USSR.  This may seem like an obvious hyperbole to you right now, but try ordering breakfast from a menu written entirely in Russian and you’ll know for yourself.

The colonial influence in fact, doesn’t quite end there. The locals it seems are so determined to make our Caucasian counterparts feel like they own the damn place that they go out of their way to ensure that you are provided the finest second-rate treatment, without even having to leave your own country.  Utorda beach in the south of Goa (which is clearly a preferred haunt of the Russian mafia, who by the way own sizeable chunks of property in the state now) is one such location where premium douchebaggery meted out to the Indian junta. So while Vladimir gets a ten pound trout caught, cleaned, chopped, fried and served in ten minutes flat, your omelet lazily makes its way to your table after anything around three quarters of an hour. God help you if you ask for another round of toast!

One can’t however blame the shack-wallahs for behaving as they do. When one has customers who without a second thought dole out wads of Euros for a couple of cold beers and a butter naan, its unsurprising that even the biggest Gandhi gets treated like a Zimbabwean dollar. That of course is not to say that all of Goa overflows with the phoren junta. There are uncongested pockets still tucked away, like for example; Anjuna Beach, which by the way, is now almost entirely deserted after the Scarlett murder-case. That aside, it’s never too difficult to locate a friendly neighborhood drug-peddler willing to supply enough dope to make you actually enjoy House music if the price is right. If that isn’t your idea of fun, you can also throw your money away in several other creative ways such as gambling on brightly lit boats, playing pool and shopping for the same stuff you can find at Colaba Causeway for more than twice the price!

As for me, I went to Goa with hopes of having a good time and a tube of SPF 40, and came back with a box of Bibinca, half a kilo of salted cashews, a slight tan and above all feeling not too disappointed after all. Sarcasm aside, I definitely would recommend that you make a trip there yourself. I know I will whenever I get the chance again. But damn it Vladimir, when that time comes, I am NOT going to wait an hour for my omelet!

Facing the mirror
It becomes clearer
That what was once harmless
Is now beyond grasp

The shame is my own
And there’s none to blame
What I practice and preach
Are not the same.

I should have done better
But didn’t anyway
There’s a world of a difference
In what I do and I say.

But don’t you point
And laugh at me
Face the mirror yourself
Then you will see.

Over the past few weeks I have been facing an acute case of writers block.  But being the professional that I am I have overcome this through my sheer dedication (which involved hours of slouching on the couch watching back to back IPL matches in a semi hypnotic state with crumbs all over my tee). The Citi Moment of Success as they call it in the IPL came during a post presentation commercial break where they announced their sponsors one by one. The one that managed to catch my eye was India’s No.1 Emergency Contraceptive – I-PILL!
Now, pardon the cricket pun, but straight off the bat, one cant help but think, “What the heck does I-Pill have to do with IPL?”
However considering the fact that no one sponsors any TV show unless they believe that their products sales will be benefit from advertising on it, it is most likely that the think-tank at I-Pill HQ has some killer marketing strategy in mind for I-Pill in conjunction with the IPL. Even if not, this is pure gold for a humor writer like me who thrives solely on double meaning one-liners! I therefore would like to present a series of possible copies that could be used to advertise I-Pill during the IPL.

• IPL involves protecting the boundaries…I-Pill is protection BEYOND boundaries

• Be it on the field or in the bedroom…every spill is costly!

• …Because every lusty stroke between the covers requires protection!

• I-Pill: Helping you play through fine legs without worrying about the slips!

• Its best to avoid risky singles, but if you must…Use I-Pill!

• I-Pill – Protecting your wicket even when your partner makes the wrong call.

• I-Pill – Recommended by the Knight Riders…if you know what we mean!

If you think you are as Punny as I am…feel free to add your own in comments section!

For those of you who have noticed a slow-down on the blog, let me explain.

For starters my final year board exams were on (but now we have a one month break thanks to the elections). To add to that, my comp was down for a bit too.

But none the less, I have some stuff coming up, such as a round-up of my Goa-trip…and well thats about all I’ve thought about right now. So please to give sometime and I’ll be back with something for you to read in just a bit!

Paras

Late to bed
Later to rise
Too bored to study
Surprise Surprise!

Read the paper,
Watch the news,
Watch some cartoons,
Be amused.

Drink some tea,
Have some chips,
Solve the crossword,
Read comic strips.

Turn on the computer,
Surf the net,
Rummage through the kitchen,
Eat what you get.

Chat with some friends,
Till there’s nothing more to say,
Waste some more time
And so ends the day!

Two weeks ago I picked up newspaper
And turned to the sports page
And what I saw as headline there
Filled me up with rage.

On that page there was Lalit Modi
And he was looking full of dejection
That is because IPL
Was postponed because of election

But Modi assured, “Dont worry,
IPL will not be late.
In few days only we will be
Announcing the new dates”
But now new news has come
And it is not sounding too great

Apparently our politicians
Have played some tricks like magician
And that is why IPL ka second season
Is being shifted out of India
For security reasons

But I can’t help but laugh
At the irony of situation
Whatay funny no?
Indian Premier League
Is now in some other nation!

For the theme of this humor piece, I couldn’t choose between examinations and elections. Confused, I decided to seek the sagely advise of our Editor Arjun, who as always, made the choice clear with his Yoda-like advise. “Two very good options these are. For opinions expressed by authors, JAM is not responsible, our disclaimer says so. Cool?” he said. So without further bakwaas, here’s presenting the different types of student-personalities that you are likely to encounter at examination- halls. Hey don’t look at me like that! I can’t afford a lawsuit with my pay!

1) Pappu Pass (Out) Ho Gaya Personality: This type of student is perhaps the easiest to spot. Before the exams begin, it is likely that you will find them surrounded by a small army of relatives each of who take turns to utaaro aarti, feed mithai, lagao tikkas and give aashirwaad. When the time comes to get inside the exam hall, our brave hero, with his forehead almost completely crimson and nearly half his arm covered with lucky charms, bids a teary farewell to each of the relatives. Once inside the exam hall, Pappu unpacks a mini-medical dukaan containing everything from khatta-meetha candy to glucose water and energy bars. Our dear Pappu then proceeds to pray to the mini-mandir he has assembled inside his compass box, takes a deep breath and begins to write his paper. Three hours later when the warning bell rings, Pappu panics and breaks into a cold sweat and starts feeling giddy. On nine out of ten occasions Pappu then falls face down on the desk with a spectacular thud. The invigilator then rushes to Pappu and tries to revive him, which gives the other students to copy to their heart’s content for the next ten minutes or so.

2) The Ghajini Personality: The name for this type of students comes from the research evidence that suggests that these kinds of students have a 15 minute memory span like Aamir Khan in Ghajini. Interestingly, these students use the same strategy as Aamir to cope with their memory limitations. Before the exam begins, it is likely that you will see them furiously scribbling away on tiny bits of paper which they later fold and hide in unmentionable locations. Before the invigilators hand the answer sheets, these students inform them that they are suffering from a case of explosive diarrhea, which as we all know, nobody questions. Midway through the paper, these students excuse themselves to the bathroom and write with a vengeance for 15 minutes or so after they come back. The process is then repeated as many times as possible. Sadly, though, they are likely to forget what answer they were writing each time and may therefore end up writing the same one several times over.

3) The Stationery ki Dukaan Personality: While most of us may think that two working pens, a pencil, a sharpener, an eraser and a scale are all the stationery items one could possibly require during an exam, these kinds think otherwise. Not one to leave anything to chance, these students pack enough stationery for all the students at the exam hall, but will snap back with a defiant ‘NO!’ if you politely ask if you could borrow something. Obsessive Compulsive as they are, they are likely to spend the first half an hour drawing multiple margins on each page of the answer sheet and the last fifteen highlighting important points with sketch-pens of different hues. Considering the fact that moderators like search-engines look for keywords alone while correcting papers, it is unsurprising that these students often end up becoming All-India toppers.

4) The Marathon Writer: Often dressed in sweats and sporting disheveled hair, these types of students inconspicuously enter the examination hall armed with nothing but a single working pen. When the answer sheets are provided however, they go into a sort of a trance and turn into different creatures altogether. Oblivious to everything around them, they nearly set the answer sheet on fire with their sheer speed of writing and are likely to ask for their first supplement before you even finish writing your name on the answer sheet. Strangely though, when the final bell rings, they, like Pappu mentioned above, tend to lose it and are often found pleading with the invigilators to give them ‘five more minutes’ to complete their last answer. In the unlikely event that the invigilator grants this request, they are likely to ask for ten more at the end of the five minutes. What follows then is a tug-of-war for the answer sheet between the invigilator and the student which on rare instances results in the answer sheet being torn exactly in half. On an unrelated note, research suggests that these students would fare extremely well as charge-sheet writers with the Mumbai Police.

Forget about the present
Forget about the past
Forget about the promises
In the election before the last

Forget about poverty
Forget about our flaws
Forget about everytime
We flouted all the laws

Forget about the temples
Forget about the mosques
Forget about the churches
Forget the lives lost

Forget about economies
Forget about recession
Forget about the crashing stocks
Forget about inflation

Forget about your freedom
To act as you please
Forget about each time
We let loose the moral police

Forget about the murders
Forget about the rapes
Forget about corruption
Forget about sting tapes

Forget about all the lies
Forget about hypocrisy
Forget about the last 5 years
Power to democracy!