Just Think Now

HOW TO GET FREE TEXTBOOKS!

2010-08-30T03:11:00.000-04:00

As we all know, buying textbooks is a complete waste of time and money because for most classes the textbooks are rarely, if ever, opened. In addition to that, the line-ups at the beginning of the year are sometimes HOURS long and the people working there are even slower.

So, how can you avoid the line-ups and stop spending hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars on books?

It's simple.

Just ask.

No, not me. No, not the school either.

Go to the publishers website and find your book. It should be fairly simple to find, provided that you know the author and the edition of the book. Once you locate it, you'll typically have two distinct headings to choose from as to where you can go next.

Click on the underlined button!

Click on "Request a review copy" under the 'Faculty' heading.
*Note: Different publishers have different headings/text, but they are all similar and you should be able to figure it out. If not, you probably shouldn't be where you are today.*

On the next page, you'll just need to fill out the information.

The best part about this section is that you don't even have to lie. Fill in everything correctly, as if you were ordering food online. In the address box, put YOUR address, not your schools. Under 'Department' put your faculty in there. If you're business, say business. In the 'Office Hours' box, put your school schedule.

It's VERY straight forward.

Click on Submit and wait for your FREE textbooks.

---------------------------------

There are some publishers that allow for on-line review copies. These copies are customizable, so if you don't need Chapter 12, you can edit that out. These will be e-mailed to you within a few days and will be in a PDF format.

If you share this book with others, DO NOT give them the same link that the publisher gave you. Download your copy and send it via e-mail OR upload your copy to a different site and give them that address.

----------------------------------

That's it. It's that simple.

You're very welcome.

Trevor Algar

*If you decide to follow these steps, you are doing so at your own risk. I take no responsibility for you getting in trouble, whether it be legal or otherwise.*

---------------------------------

People have asked if I have received free textbooks using this method and that answer is YES. For the last year of school, I did not spend a single cent on books. You shouldn't either!

Just Suck My Dick And Shut The Fuck Up. - My thoughts on Dating.

2010-07-01T04:23:00.001-04:00

First of all, Happy Canada Day! I hope you all enjoyed more than too many fine brews to wet your whistle.

But, it`s time to get down to business and we do have some important business to attend to!

Lately I have been attempting this whole 'dating' thing, as opposed to the 'hit it and quit it' lifestyle that I have apparently been living for too long. (My mother thinks I need to settle down on the sluts and find a classy girl to fall in love with. This is the same woman who thought that the stripper I brought home on Christmas was a classy girl, so it should not be too difficult to satisfy that request.) I have taken out girls from my work, from the streets(not homeless, you know how I feel about poor people), from the bars, and from the past. All in all, it has been pretty uneventful and I have almost nothing to report on.

I could tell you about the worst threesome of my life, the most awkward sex I've ever had, or I could even tell you about the most impressive pussy I've ever had the pleasure of pounding, but I am going to leave those for another day.

Why?

Because I have something much more important to discuss.

What the fuck is the point of dating?!

In the dates that I went on, I learned enough about each of these people to write a novel or perhaps even a big budget motion picture. I learned about their family history, family troubles, health issues, best/worst moments of their lives, all of their sexual experiences and fantasies, their insecurities and vulnerabilities, and I even learned about their friends.

Now sure, if any of these broads were potential wife material, I might be interested in all of this pointless knowledge, but I highly doubt it. Especially within the first two weeks of meeting them. I don't think I need to know that your grandmother is dying and I really do not want to see you cry when you reminisce the time you were raped. Boo hoo, I don't care. It's not my problem yet. When I start fucking you and go to erotically choke you and you freak out, THAT is an appropriate time to inform me of your inability to fight off an attacker. No tears necessary. Just a simple "Hey, the guy who raped me choked me out and I don't feel comfortable with that" is fine. I'll finish up and leave you alone to cry.

Seriously, I don't want a girl with baggage.

A broads family/friends is NONE of my concern unless we know for a fact that we will be together for a significant period of time. I do NOT need your friends adding me to Facebook so they can "approve" of me. I don't give a fuck about your ugly ass friends* and in all honesty, it makes me dislike you even more than I already do. I do not care about what your friends or family think. I cannot come up with a valid reason why their opinion should matter at all and I will only resent them and eventually break you two apart. Don't think it will ever happen? Look at Heidi and LC from The Hills, bitch! Yeah, that's right, the mother fucking Hills.

*Side note: If you have ugly friends, I probably won't want you. This does not mean that I want you to be the infamous 'ugly friend' but if you have ugly ass friends, this means that every time you go out, guys are going for you. That means that every friend I have will go for you. That means you'll most likely live up to my theory that all women are sluts. No, I'm not insecure, but I do have a solid understanding that all women give up their pussy far too easily when they are with someone.*

The only thing that should matter is whether or not we are compatible. Compatibility will change over time and I do not expect all good things to last forever necessarily, but we need to mesh well right now before I am willing to make a date for tomorrow. This means that we need to get along and understand each other's personalities. We need to be able to sense sarcasm and be able to jump on each other's stupid remarks, as well as laugh at each other's painfully poor excuse of a joke.

I suppose that is why dating is so popular. It allows you to put your partner to the test and evaluate their performance. But, what about the important PERFORMANCE?

That's right, the sex and sexual related activities.

In all of the dates that I went on, I had ZERO sex with any of the girls I actually went on the dates with. I could have had sex three times, but unfortunately I have also been trying out this thing called 'employment' which is also really unnecessary in my opinion. The only reason I am doing it is because I was raised on the philosophy "Fuck Bitches. Get Money." and the change from the Make-A-Wish Foundation coin jars are simply not paying the bills any more.

Now in all of these dates I went on, I had a decent time with some of the girls. But, I knew I had to hold back from saying the one thing I wanted to say the entire time...

"JUST SUCK MY DICK AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

What is more important in a relationship than an amazing orgasm? Absolutely nothing.

So, what is the point of dating? To get to know each other?

Fuck that.

Write a bio on Facebook and let your lips do something important.

Yes, just like this.

Disturbing Revelations from Google

2010-06-13T21:35:00.003-04:00

I was inspired by a webcomic to explore suggested searches in Google. I figured that beginning the search with open-ended words like "why does" and "why is" would help give me an indication of what people are searching for. So I went on Google and found some very disturbing results. Here are some of my findings:

Why is my poop green? Seriously? Of all the questions that people could ask that start with "why is", the second most asked on Google is why is my poop green? Is there something going on that I'm not aware of? I don't recall my poop ever being even the slightest bit green. But apparently green shit is a big problem for people:

I would be inclined to look further into the apparently wide-spread issue of green shit, but I'm afraid of what I'll find out. Next search:

More poop questions? You know, I always wondered why some people took so long in the bathroom. I guess they were analyzing their shit, pontificating about its colour and physical attributes. Why does poop float? Are people retarded? Density, people. But seriously, how are people so intrigued by shit that they go on Google to inquire about it? Why does my dog eat poop? I don't know, maybe because he's a fucking dog? I think that the question is less about the dog, and more about the poop. As if people are wondering, "why is the dog eating poop? Can I eat it too?"

But all of this shit about shit is nothing compared to the eye opener in the middle: why does my mom turn me on? I'm sorry, come again? How is this the fifth most popular search for "why does"? Who are these incestuous shit-lovers that are taking over Google? It makes you wonder if any of your friends are secretly lusting their own mothers, only sharing their dark secret with Google. Dare I go on? Next:

So when people aren't looking for a second opinion on their shit, they're preparing for a successful career in stalking. When I inevitably become a tween super star, someone remind me not to post my home address on the internet. These search results lead me to believe that the world is slowly becoming overpopulated with vapid little girls. Next search, prove me wrong:

You know, it's funny, before I started writing this, I asked myself, "how many different ways can I ask Google who was chosen on The Bachelor?" At least 8 ways, apparently. I find it mind blowing that people can become so immersed in a show that completely mocks the idea of love and matrimony. But what would reality TV be if it didn't take a real life situation and distort and exploit it? The top ten was rounded off nicely by another search about Justin Bieber.

I'm shocked, to say the least. I'm glad that there was some general inquiry about normal things (why does salt melt ice). I don't think I'll ever be able to use Google again without thinking about all of the (literal) mother fuckers, shit lovers, tween stalkers and Bachelor losers that are feeding their fetishes.

The Best Sex You Will Ever Have

2010-06-11T07:07:00.000-04:00

Do you want to know why 84% of women have a nude/half-nude photo of themselves somewhere on their phone or computer hard drive? Because deep down (some deeper than others), women like to occasionally think of themselves as hot sex objects and nothing more. Women do have their moments where they look at their tits or ass in the mirror (especially after stepping out a warm shower after the gym or after buying some new lingerie) where they say “Fuck, I’m sexy!” to themselves. They have a freak hidden in them, but that freak is typically buried beneath a layer of busy work life, a hectic schedule, and constantly worrying about the day’s problems. But, when you bring it out it’s a beautiful sight and I’m here to tell you how to get it out:

Some of the best sex a woman will ever experience is completely spontaneous. The happen-anywhere sex, where the man walks in like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat and says “Get over here!”

So men, when you come home from work and you see her standing in the kitchen, warming up some food and looking over the new barrage of bills that have come in, just walk in the room, drop your bag and don’t say anything. Just look at her until she sees you. As soon as she looks up, walk quickly over to her (but don’t rush), grab her just underneath her ass and rest her on the counter and give her a deep kiss. At this point she’s probably going to mutter something like “Baby, I’m trying to read...” Just cut her off and say in a steady, firm tone with some bass “Shut the fuck up.”

She will now have a “WTF?” look on her face and at that point you attack her “spot” (collar bone, neck, ear, whatever) with a firm, yet still soft kiss until she starts to moan. At this point you are letting her know you are in control (even if she wears the pants in the relationship) and you are going to please her whether she likes it or not.

Take her shirt off and while you start to softly kiss all over her chest, start a running conversation with yourself, talking about her as if she’s not even there: “Look at how perfect my girls breasts are” or “This girl don’t even know what’s in store for that ass tonight” which she normally would laugh at, but you should have her in ecstasy at this point. Some women might still put up a fight like “Baby. I can’t be topless in the kitchen!” At that point grab her wrists and handcuff her, look her deep in the eyes and with that same steady bass let her know “Don’t ever stop me from pleasing you – shut up” and attack her spot again as “punishment” or until those “Baby, don’t‘ turn into ‘Baby don’t stop.‘

Now what happens from there is up to you and your personal taste. It should lead to passionate love making all over your house/condo/apartment/hotel room or even office at work. But I will tell you this, if that doesn’t get her to zone out from the bills, dinner, work, her punk-ass boss, her annoying friends and their man problems then you just aren’t skilled at the art of love-making. Every woman desires a man who can be a real man and make her feel like the beautiful and sexy woman she feels like she is when she takes those naked pics of herself.

Don’t ever underestimate what a firm touch and some bass in your voice can do.

Some People Re-Define The Word 'Sexy'. This Girl Does Not.

2010-06-09T02:45:00.001-04:00

There is a douchebag I work with who likes to think that he is important and special. Well, he is not and everyone else seems to know it.

He is a genuine piece of shit and I thought to myself that there was no conceivable way that he had a girlfriend or that he has ever had sex with another member of our species.

After some co-workers crept his Facebook profile, I am still standing beyond my assumptions.

Here is our boy, Jonathan Laidlaw.

And here is his beauty of a... partner?

Gross...There is a picture of her in a bikini top, with more pimples on her chin than a ginger kid going through puberty, what is quite possibly hair under her arm, and the cherry on top?

She's wearing dog tags, too.

Fail.

It is only sexy when jailbait does it.

Sext-Orgy?

2010-03-10T13:48:00.001-05:00

In this day and age, face-to-face contact is pretty much strictly reserved for Tim Hortons and fucking. Mobile technology along with the internet has completely revolutionized our way of life and it makes pretty much everything much easier to do.

Everything our parents used to have to do to survive is now available to us at the touch of a button. Grocery shopping is a thing of the past, as is banking and getting pizza. Everything can be done online and to make our lives even EASIER. You don't even have to type anymore; you just need to talk.

How great is our generation?

As I mentioned in the first sentence, sex is one of the things that still requires face-to-face contact, but the bullshit surrounding the wonderful debauchery is no longer in that category.

What bullshit am I referring to? Foreplay.

Foreplay is the equivalent of warming up your car on a cold day. Sure, it's nice to be sitting inside of a warm automobile while you drive to Tim Hortons for your other face-to-face contact of the day, but who wants to go outside to start a freezing car in the first place? Who has that kind of time these days, anyways? Personally, I'm too busy checking Facebook and looking at porn. So instead of all of the work, you can buy a remote starter and simply push a button!

Likewise, when you're in bed with the skank of your choosing, why would you want to waste time warming up her cold, dry pussy? You want that vag soaking wet and steaming with desire the second she lays down.

Solution? Sexting.

Sure, everyone does it these days, don't even try to deny it. Some are more mild than others, but anyone with a cell phone has sent more than a few nasty messages to a fuck buddy and while one on one sexting was cool in 2007, I'm pretty sure we can all agree that orgies are more fun for everyone involved.

So, why not translate that into the 'sext' era?

Well ladies and gentleman, BlackBerry and the fine folks at RIM have answered our prayers and made us all a little hornier.

BlackBerry Messenger (BBM) is like texting on steroids and with the most recent version of BBM, you get the glorious Group option to satisfy your swinging appetite. Some may try to sell you on the idea that the Group option is simply there to make communicating with multiple co-workers at once easier, but don't be fooled by their thinly veiled disguise... IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GROUPSEXT.

At your finger tips, you now have the ability to moisten the thighs of every girl you want to fuck in one easy message. Even better is that once you get the ball rolling, not only will they start virtually going down on one another, they will also send pictures to the group and then add into their schedules the time and date of your next sexual rendez-vous, which if you played it right, should be in 20 minutes.

Now go shave your balls and get ready for the orgy courtesy of your BlackBerry.

DJ KURTBRADD --- DOWNLOAD THIS TRACK!

2010-03-07T19:47:00.003-05:00

Mediafire Download
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Salacious Soundcloud Download/Listen
For those of you in the Tri-Cities or Toronto, you already know of the biggest up and comer DJ KURTBRADD. For those of you who live sheltered lives, here is your chance to be introduced to this legend.

Download the track, share with everyone you know and give this guy his props. Post your reviews!

Hit him up on Facebook: DJ Kurtbradd

Subscribe to his YouTube: Kurtbradd YT

I Need YOUR Skills!

2010-02-21T01:33:00.001-05:00

I have been playing around with an idea for a few months now and I'm finally willing to put it into action.

This plan has the potential to be very profitable and life changing for a lot of people.

This is not a get-rich-quick scheme or a joke. I am 100% serious.

I cannot go into detail publicly at this point, as I do not want my idea(s) to be stolen, but I am looking for a few qualified people to help me out. If you do help out, you will be paid.

Without giving away any specifics, I am looking for the following:

- A talented web designer. I need a website created, but I do not want a cookie cutter layout. I want something unique and functional. A forum is necessary, as well as the ability to have individual profiles.

I will go into more detail with those who inquire.

- A well connected marketer. I will need someone with the right connections to get the marketing of my idea off the ground. I need all forms of media covered, ranging from TV to newspapers to online.

- Financial backers. I will be applying for government grants, but I will realistically need more. More is always better.

- Promotional backers. More info will be provided later pertaining to what I am looking for specifically.

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As I put the wheels in motion, I will be updating this list, as I will need more people as it gets put into full scale.

If interested, please message me through e-mail, Facebook, or call me.

Algar@Telus.BlackBerry.net

I've been INCREDIBLE for years. And this is proof.

2010-02-09T11:58:00.002-05:00

In 2005/2006 there was an e-mail being sent around claiming that MSN/Hotmail would soon be charging for its use. It was clearly fake, but for some reason, I received thousands of forwarded e-mails all saying the same thing.

Unfortunately, for one poor girl, I finally snapped. She had sent the e-mail to her entire contact list and I hit the never friendly 'Reply All' button.

Here, in it's complete glory (minus her name) is an e-mail that puts me on top of the world.

Her e-mail:
u guys gotta read this!
__________________________________________________

Hey it is Andy and john the directors of MSN, sorry for the
interruption but msn is closing down. this is because too many
inconsiderate people are taking up all the name (eg making up lots
of different accounts for just one person), we only have 578 names
left.
If you would like to close your
account, DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE ON.

If you would like to keep your account, then SEND THIS MESSAGE TO
EVERYONE ON YOURCONTACT LIST.

This is no joke, we will be shutting down the servers.

Send it on, thanks.

The use of msn and hotmail will cost money from summer 2006.
If you send this message to 18 different people from your list your
little icon will become blue and that will make it free for you. If you
dont

believe me go on (www.msn.com) and see it yourself.

Dont foward this message copy paste it so people will actually read it

-------------------------------------------------------------------

My response:

Dear *Girl*,

I am sitting here wondering why you passed this on. Do you actually believe in the authenticity of this? 578 e-mail accounts left? They counted? Does Microsoft have that much time on their hands? I'm sure "Andy" and "john" are actually going to have the servers shut down and/or make Hotmail and MSN fee-based services.

Microsoft, a multi-billion dollar company, just hates the fact that these "inconsiderate people" are making too many e-mail accounts and not using them all. Don't these people know that there are only a limited number of possible e-mail addresses that can be used? Look at what happened with phone numbers! If people would stop asking for multiple phone lines, we wouldn't be dialing 10 digits. Damn Canada and our lax immigration laws.

If that were actually plausible, Microsoft would just make another free e-mail account service rather than adding a user fee. It might even be easier for them to just nuke China and Japan and take all of their e-mail addresses away and give them to us North Americans who buy all of their shit. The Asians just make cheap imitations of Microsoft products. But, if you think logically for 30 seconds, you quickly realize that it is impossible to run out of e-mail addresses. What is the highest number you can think of? Maybe in the trillions? Technically there is no limit to numbers, so the possibility of running out of e-mail addresses is impossible. Once you factor in the alphabet, you realize that it's even more infinite.

Didn't you start to question the validity of it when the word "this" wasn't capitalized? Microsoft creates software that helps correct spelling and grammatical errors. It isn’t perfect, but most of the errors it misses most people wouldn’t recognize in the first place. If they were the ones who sent this out, wouldn't they use their own product to check for potential errors or maybe even hire someone with a high school education to proofread? Wouldn't they at least use their own letterhead to make it look professional? Apparently they wouldn't have to because there are people like you who don't think. I just wish the e-mail told you to send erotic photographs of yourself around. It would serve a dual purpose. Not only would you bring a couple of men a source for sexual gratification (not me though, I think you’re a little bit on the chubby side), but you would also learn a valuable life lesson and that is: Don’t believe everything you read.

Ah, who am I trying to kid? Women don’t think logically and that is why men rule the world. But, to be fair, you did put question marks in the subject box. Four of them to be exact. Hopefully this excessive use of question marks meant that you were uncertain and scared of the possibility that you would not have MSN or Hotmail as of the summer of 2006. Well, if you need someone to hold you tight until the fall, I’m here for you.

Point: Trevor

I Hate Sarah Palin.

2010-02-07T10:59:00.004-05:00

Sarah Palin is back on the front page once again. Since running as a Vice Presidential candidate, writing an autobiography about "going rogue", and signing up with Fox News, Palin is back in the headlines, this time as a key speaker for a Tea Party protest.

First of all, the name for these protests is an absolute bastardization of the original concept. For those who don't know much about American history (like Sarah Palin), the Boston Tea Party was an important event based around the notion that "taxation without representation" was wrong. How does that relate to what is happening now? The main part of these protests is "too much spending". It's a slap in the face to the people that fought and died to make America a free country.

Moving on. Palin's speech at one of these protests was written about in the Globe, and after struggling to read it all through fits of laughter and frustration, I've decided to provide a little bit of commentary to help give the average person a better understanding of why Sarah Palin is a dolt.

“You gotta tell it like it is,” Ms. Palin told the audience of 1,100, each of whom paid at least $349 (U.S.) to hear the former Alaska governor rip into President Barack Obama's administration for using euphemisms such as “overseas contingencies operations” and “man-made disaster” to describe the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and terrorism, respectively.

Wait, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? The same wars that were started in George Bush's first term? What else do you have to say to that? I'm blown away that people would hear her say that, and not stop and think, "hey, something's not right there".

Ms. Palin drew the longest ovations for her attacks on Mr. Obama's decision to try the Christmas Day would-be-bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab in U.S. civilian court...

Regarding the treatment of Mr. Abdulmutallab, Ms. Palin delivered a blistering attack on Mr. Obama: “There are questions we would have liked this foreign terrorist to have answered before he [was] lawyered up and invoked our constitutional rights to remain silent. … Thanks to you, sir, we're going to bestow them on a terrorist who wants to destroy our Constitution.”

This really bugs me. I understand how someone can have this opinion, so long as they are comfortable being labelled a hypocrite. The American Constitution says that ALL men are created equal, and have inalienable rights. Now, I'm sure Palin doesn't know what inalienable means, which is why she is spouting out this nonsense. Or perhaps she doesn't consider a terrorist to be a person. Either way, if you're going to take the stance that putting someone through the American justice system will not bring justice, then where is your critique of that? Why is it acceptable for anyone to be subjected to the system if it will not produce the correct results? Did anyone bring this up to Palin? Of course not. There are too many big words.

The $3.8-trillion budget Mr. Obama tabled last week will make the United States “more beholden to foreign countries … it makes us less secure, it makes us less free. That should tick us off.”

You know what ticks me off, Sarah? When people say stupid things. Ignoring the significant deficit left behind for Obama by the previous bunch is really convenient, isn't it Sarah? Ignoring the near collapse of the financial system is also very convenient, isn't it Sarah? While I don't support all of the spending measures taken (I'm more of a bottom-up kind of guy), the fact is, what is going on right now isn't anything new. Obama is practising Keynesian economics, like the rest of the world is, and like other Presidents have done before in similar situations. Also, Obama has cut taxes for... what was it? Something like 95% of the people. I think that's the right number.

“I can think of two words right now that scares liberals: President Palin,” convention organizer Judson Phillips cried as Ms. Palin prepared to exit the stage. The prospect of Ms. Palin as commander-in-chief is a fantasy Tea Partiers are willing to entertain, even if most readily concede it may not come to pass.

The notion that Palin could ever be President is just a conservative wet dream; having someone in the highest office in the world as stupid and short-sighted as Sarah Palin. She cited her proximity to Russia as foreign policy experience. She didn't know what the Vice President does. If you want to see America plummet, then vote for Palin.

So why do people love her?

“She's real, she's not posed, and she's one of the people,” added Lou Ann Zelenik, another enthusiastic GOP from Murfreesboro, Tenn., who is seeking the GOP nomination (the Republican one) to run for Congress in her district. She said she'd like to see her idol run for president in 2012 “with some more grooming.”

“She was vetted more in three months than Barack Obama was in three years because of the liberal media in America,” Ms. Zelenik insisted.

Janet Mixon, a citrus farmer from the Florida Gulf Coast, also cited Ms. Palin's resilience when asked what she likes most about her. “I think she's like a bulldog. They trash her every chance they get and the fact that she just keeps coming back just makes you feel good.”

Ms. Mixon said she wasn't sure Ms. Palin would be her first pick for president. “But I definitely want her representing us in some way.”

I love the phrase "liberal media". It's what conservatives say when their opinions are challenged publicly. Certainly, there are people in the media, and even entire media outlets, that are left-leaning in their depictions. Just as there are outlets that do the same for the right. The fact is, Palin says and does stupid things. It's the job of the media to provide the necessary information for people to make an informed opinion. If they only showed you what Palin said, then how are you supposed to know that she's talking bull shit? When Palin says something that is a lie, or just plain retarded, then someone needs to step in and say, "hold on now... that's not right." But of course, Palin lovers can't comprehend the notion that she might be wrong, so anyone that criticizes her must be biased.

Eddie Thompson, an estate planner from Nashville, paid to hear Ms. Palin even though he didn't vote for her top-of-ticket running mate in 2008, John McCain. That's a choice he regrets, now.

“I was hoping Obama would make a change and reduce the division, deliver what he said he'd deliver. I believe he's failed. He's failed me,” offered Mr. Thompson, who pointed to the massive deficits projected under Mr. Obama as the main source of his disillusionment. “I'm really concerned about the spending. I don't believe you can borrow your way to wealth.”

Really, you can't borrow yourself to wealth? So what of all of the people that ever got a loan from a bank to start a business, and then got wealthy? Guess you didn't think about that, did ya Eddie? No wonder you like Palin. As for reducing the division, how can you blame anyone other than the Republicans? Honestly, this drives me crazy! The Republicans purposefully oppose all of the Democrat propositions so as to create a perception that the Democrats are useless and can't get things done. But the Republicans refuse to compromise! What makes me even more angry is the fact that the spineless Democrats are doing nothing about it. I hate American politics.

But the best line in the entire article was this:

What makes Ms. Palin so inspiring to the Tea Partiers is that she, like them, only seems emboldened by her depiction in the media as a right-wing extremist long on opinions but short on information.

Yes Globe and Mail! No holds barred, no fear! Telling it like it is! I was so happy reading that, because it is absolutely true. Palin knows that she has shit for brains. She knows that she has fringe views, including her take on evolution (which I could rant about, but I'd rather keep my blood pressure down: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/16/palin-suggests-evolution_n_358894.html). But she thrives off of it. As stated in the article, people love her because she gets absolutely destroyed in intellectual and factual debates, and then just keeps coming back with her illogical nonsense. Dumb people cling to her, because it gives them hope that they can stand up to smart people too. Who needs knowledge? Who needs the capacity to comprehend information and formulate a logical opinion? Palin doesn't.

London police salaries shock U.S. counterpart

2010-02-02T04:00:00.002-05:00

Three years after they're sworn in on the force, in some cases with little more than the minimum high school diploma and 12 weeks' training, London police officers get a base salary that tops $80,000.

That wouldn't surprise other police and firefighters in Ontario, whose salaries are closely tethered by unions that demand it and police boards that often give in.

But south of the border, jaws drop.

In U.S. cities where there are more murders in a month than London has in a year, police are surprised when told how much police are paid here and how that has changed so quickly over time.

"It's really a death spiral," said Dewey Bartlett Jr., mayor of Tulsa, Okla., where senior officers max out at $62,783 US.

Bartlett, too, deals with police unions and did so last week without an arms-length police board or provincial arbitrator to get in his way.

With Tulsa facing a budget crisis and needing to cut $7 million from its police budget, Bartlett gave cops a choice: Agree to a 5% wage cut and rollbacks or he'd lay off 155 officers -- nearly 20% of the force.

The police association said no.

Last Friday, police administrators were preparing pink slips.

"In this part of the country, unions aren't a way of life. (The police association) was selfish and greedy, rather than what people expect of a police officer," Bartlett said.

Not all American police associations fall prey to budget pressures -- their power varies from locale to locale.

But an informal survey by The Free Press of cities similar in size to London revealed all but one paid less to their police officers than what London and other Ontario cities pay.

After three years, most officers made between $46,904 US and $65,000 US, in cities from the Gulf Coast of Florida to the foothills of Colorado.

Only in Orange County, Calif., where the average home costs $500,000, do salaries rival those in London -- $82,020 US.

Whether that's a concern or a point of pride depends on one's perspective.

Andrew Sancton, a political scientist at the University of Western Ontario, sees both good and bad.

Cities that short change police can end up with a corrupt force, he says. But, he adds, those that pay too much will struggle to hire enough officers to satisfy public expectations.

"The higher the salaries, the more difficult it will be to afford more officers," he said.

His point is borne out by the numbers: Tulsa, before budget cuts, spent about as much as London but had 223 more officers -- nearly 40% more.

How much Londoners can afford is hard to gauge, but consider this: A three-year officer is paid nearly 2 1/2 times more than a typical London adult. According to Statistics Canada, the median income for adults between 25 and 44 here during the last census in 2006 was $32,545.

Outgoing London Police Chief Murray Faulkner agrees Canadian police are paid much better than their American counterparts, but defended that difference.

"I don't want to cut up our brothers to the south, (but) we have extremely high standards." he said. "You get what you pay for."

Faulkner argued London has to keep pace with police salaries elsewhere in Ontario or the force would lose officers. In the year before police awarded retention pay to officers in 2004, the force lost 24 officers, he says.

But his claim is at odds with police statements and data at the time: In 31 months before retention pay was awarded, the force lost 21 of 500 officers, including those who left for personal issues unrelated to pay.

While Faulkner defended parity in one breath, he questioned it in the next, saying almost all other professionals get paid more in the Greater Toronto Area than in the rest of Ontario.

"The cost of living is so much higher, so there should be higher compensation in Toronto," he said. "Police are the only profession that is not. Isn't that bizarre?"

Asked whether London police were overpaid or Toronto police were underpaid, Faulkner balked.

"That's irrelevant," he said.

The bottom line, he said, is Canadians have always placed greater value on the order delivered by police and are willing to pay for it.

But where Faulkner sees cultural reasons, others point to structural reasons and politics.

Sancton said he believes city governments struggle to control police spending because city hall doesn't oversee police operations, budgets or collective bargaining.

Politicians on police boards often use their position to show they support police, while those critical of budgets are accused of undermining public safety.

"(The province) should abolish police boards," he said.

That's not the approach recommended by Tom Galloway, a council member in Waterloo Region who’s chaired its police board since 2001.
For decades, police and firefighters have played leapfrog when collective bargaining, pushing ahead salaries and benefits, usually with the backing of provincial politicians and the support of police boards.

"All (provincial) governments want to cozy up to police unions," he said. "It's all done by the treasury board. There's no transparency at all."

Civic politicians on police boards may do that too but at least their conduct is on public display.

"There might be a tendancy on many police boards to go with flow," he said.

Galloway hasn't heard an outcry from citizens yet. But if salary increases continue, he believes the day may come when residents demand changes that would empower cities to contract out services that are performed here by police but elsewhere in the world by private companies, such as security for events.

"The (police) associations have to be careful," he said. "There could come a tipping point. It doesn’t appear to be now and it doesn't appear imminent, but if police are making $120,000, people will say that's enough and there will be a taxpayer revolt."

While retention pay and salaries have proved challenging, a bigger threat looms -- the provincial government promised and is delivering pension enhancements to OPP that will soon be demanded by police associations across Ontario.

"Pension issues are going to be immensely expensive, making retention pay look like a tea party," Galloway said. "Woe is the day they start to roll that through the province in the way retention pay did."

The costs of pensions and benefits shouldn't be ignored when comparing the costs of policing, London deputy chief Brad Duncan said.

While The Free Press investigation focused on salaries, it down find a wide range of pension benefits in the U.S. and one in particular that would be the envy of police here.

In Santa Ana, CA in Orange County, police retire with a full pension after 30 years that is equivalent to 90% of their best year's earnings.

In London, officers with 30 years earn 60% of their average earnings in their best 5 years averaged while those who work 35 years get 70%

jonathan.sher@sunmedia.ca

-- -- --

COMPARING SALARIES

A comparison of the base salary for a police officer with three years' experience in London with similar officers in American cities with populations between 319,000 and 439,000:

London: $80,007

Aurora, Colo.: $65,530

Cincinnati, Ohio: $61,345

Arlington, Tex.: $57,313

Omaha, Neb.: $46,904

Tampa, Fla.: $53,186

Santa Ana, Calif.: $82,020

NOTE: American salaries in U.S. dollars; London salary in Canadian dollars and rising to $80,807 in July.

- Taken from London Free Press

Bitches And Skanks!

2010-01-28T03:23:00.000-05:00

Part One:

Board games are fun, but no one has the will to play a 6 hour game of Monopoly anymore. It’s a little sad that today’s generation would choose a video game about Paris Hilton over the Uncle Moneybags classic. It’s all about what is the most mind-numbing now instead of the strategic games that we once played with a friend, not over the internet with some kid from Turkey. Well, I’m about to change all that for everyone with my fail safe game called “Bitches and Skanks.”

Playing women seems pretty ruthless in theory: You are intentionally going out of your way to make a girl like you, knowing the entire time that you will never reciprocate those feelings. The whole purpose of getting these girls to like you is to have regular sex while not having to worry about who the broad is fucking behind your back. It’s essentially a one way commitment meant to benefit you. The great part is, it actually works! Women fall for this all of the time and for some reason, even when they do figure it out, they continue to let themselves be played.

Never go for the prettiest girl in the room. Whether it is class, work, or even the bar, never try to go for the best looking girl. She gets hit on all day and all night by the biggest douche bags and guys who are probably a lot better looking than you, so don’t even waste your time. The object of the night is to get HER to come to YOU.

Scan through your options and create a quick top 10. Your options are between 2 and 7. Number two would be a great option if she is with number one and she is not getting that much attention, as she will be glad to have someone come up directly to her and not her friend. Don’t go for anything less than 7 because you don’t want to seem desperate and no one is jealous of the ‘average’ or ugly girls, so you would basically be forfeiting before you start.

Now that you’ve made your selection, do the obvious thing and go get her attention. This is the girl you can swarm all over and pretend you are in love. You do not NEED her to like you; you just need her to be SEEN with you. A pretty girl with you equates to other pretty girls wondering why you are not with them and this is when the game truly begins. You’re going to have to use your own abilities to talk to this first girl, but just remember three quick things: 1) You need to make her laugh, 2) You need to make it seem like you are with her, and 3) You need to make yourself seen with her. While you’re giving her your attention, you need to look around for other girls and smile at them when they catch you looking at them.

Create a spark and then CAREFULLY get her into a conversation. This does NOT mean that you should go to her! You have the chance of a lifetime here, so don’t fuck it up. You have two beautiful (At least they should be) women who want YOUR attention and if played right, they will fight for you. If you’re really lucky, they’ll join forces and take you home, but don’t push your luck.

Part Two:

You had a good night, right? If you’re playing ‘Bitches and Skanks’, you undoubtedly went home with a few numbers and at the very least you got a blow job from your new girl (game piece). This piece is now the most important part of the game. Your chosen piece is going to be the unknowing victim of this great game and will help you score hotter bitches and wilder skanks!

How? Easy! Like you did the first night you met her, constantly look for a step-up. A step-up is a girl who is better than your current one, which we already know exists, as this girl is at the very least, number two. When you find a step-up, do whatever you must do to get some contact information. It’s up to you how it gets done, but as always, be wise. You want to go out with this girl so you can sleep with her and eventually use her to find even greater step-ups.

Always keep your eyes open for potential pieces!

Part Three:

If prospects are running dry, your game is almost coming to an end, so it’s time to dip into the reserve tanks. This is probably the easiest thing to do, but it’s probably the easiest thing to fuck up, as well. At this point, you should have fucked at least 6 girls, including the one you “like”. Out of those 6 girls, at least two of them will hate you, at least two will love you, and the others could go either way, so you clearly need to replenish your stock and maybe get those girls back on your team.

What you need to do is act heartbroken. I’m talking tears streaming down your face, life is over, type heartbreak. No matter what the girl has done, even if it was nothing, make her seem like a complete bitch to the rest of society. One key point is to NEVER lie about what she did, but play up the truth to make it favourable to you. If you’re lucky, the truth itself will be enough for you to be completely honest and still come across as a victim.

Here are the benefits you will have from doing this:
1) Girls hate other girls, so you will get sympathy pussy
2) Girls don’t like emotional guys, but for some reason they love heartbroken guys
3) Girls put out a lot easier when they feel like you are vulnerable, because they feel that is the only thing they have to offer

I’ve been practising this for the last 17 months and it is guaranteed win.

I never lose.

When playing “Bitches and Skanks” you must remember two rules:
1) Always have more than one on the go! This is for a few reasons:
a. More women = Less likely to fail;
b. More women = More practice;
c. More women = Plenty of strategies to use;
d. Make one jealous enough to want you more, while making them all hate each other. (Fully explained later)

2) Never fall for the first girl.
The first girl is between 2 and 7. That means she was not number one. Unless you plan on losing the game, don’t ever fall for this girl. She is NOT worth that much time investment.

When you make one of your ‘pieces’ jealous, do so at the expense of one of your other ‘pieces’, not a complete stranger. The reason for this is simple: It creates a wedge/distance between the two so they won’t EVER talk to each other about you! They will effectively hate each other while mysteriously becoming more infatuated with you. It’s an effortless strategy that will pay off with HUGE dividends, but you MUST be careful! One misstep will cause them to form an alliance that will result in your sex life dwindling down to zero. Women are nasty bitches who will stop at nothing to ruin you.

Scoring chart:

1 point per girl successfully played.
1 point for picture/video of girl performing sexual acts while being played.
3 points per successful step-up.
10 points per threesome (or more) with girls being played.

Screw PETA.

2010-01-28T01:17:00.003-05:00

PETA is garbage. First of all, their name sounds like pita, which is quite possibly the most delicious food item to be made available in 4 different restaurants in the same plaza. You think these companies would branch out a bit? Anyways, back on-topic. PETA. Garbage.

When you actually break down the acronym, you realize that they are just a bunch of arrogant pricks. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Considering ethics is a broad topic and is highly open to interpretation, you would think that PETA would promote positive debate and discussion. But they don't, because they are fascist douchebags.

I read a report on how PETA kills practically all of the animals that it takes in under the guise of "protecting them and finding them homes". That sounds very ethical to me. Sure, you might be thinking, "it's better to put them down then have them suffer". If only there weren't local shelters available to take in excess animals. Oh wait, there is! PETA is either too proud or just too stupid. Check the facts here: http://www.petakillsanimals.com/

PETA is so bad at taking care of animals, they've turned to making porn in order to fund their radical, man-hating agenda. While most of their models are covering up, PETA has full-out naked chicks on their website. Nice to see where their priorities are at.

PETA would rather make porn than help animals.

In their most recent publicity stunt, PETA took responsibility for a public pie-facing. The Minister for Fish (or something like that... some job no one cares about -- except PETA) was making a speech, minding her own business when some crack whore PETA minion stormed the stage and slammed a cream pie right into the Minister's face.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0XIN4P-7jE

First things first. If you're going to be a hippy animal lover, then you should at least be hot. Just saying. Second, what the hell is this crazy lady talking about? The seal hunt? How is pieing the Fish lady going to stop the seal hunt? Well, as if to rub it in her face, Gail Shea (the Minister) got back on stage and reaffirmed her support for the seal hunt. OH SNAP!

This latest stunt proves that PETA is a joke. They can't sway public opinion like a regular interest group because they have no political clout. Nobody takes them seriously. So they have to start throwing around pies like a bunch of clowns. Interestingly enough, a Liberal MP has called for review of this incident as an act of terrorism. While that may seem a little extreme, think of it this way. Today, pies to the face. Tomorrow, PETA raises an army of super animals and unleashes a bloody coup d'etat upon our great nation. Are you going to let that happen?

I say we go through with it. This kind of shit is not only disrespectful and just flat out stupid, it's unacceptable. PETA is the lowest of the low, and they want to assault public officials (the woman was charged with assault, rightfully so)? Screw them. Make them terrorists. Then maybe an actual legitimate animal rights group will rise up in its place.

Plastics

2009-10-11T03:36:00.001-04:00

Ladies and Gentleman,

For the next couple of weeks I’m going to write about the finer sex and you bitches better appreciate my kind words for a change. I won’t be insulting you (too much), I won’t be rude (well, I’ll try not to be), and I might even compliment.

These notes won’t be anything spectacular, but they are something that a lot of you need and deserve to hear. Some of you will be insulted by a few of the notes because they do insult at least half of you, but I promise, it’s your fault.

So ladies, these notes will be all about you. Subjects ranging from your looks to your sexuality to the ways you can get a guy without making him nervous. A special Valentines Day note will also be written in a similar context to last years.

And without further ado, here you are…

Have you ever been out with your boyfriend and caught him taking a second glance at a girl who reminds you of a Barbie doll?

It pisses you off, doesn’t it? I mean, that son of a bitch is drooling all over the shirt that you just washed for him right in front of you. And her? What a skank. She has her tits hanging out like Britney Spears’ pussy, probably lives in a gym, never had kids or a hamburger, and has fake everything. Nails, lips, tan, hair, and tits. But you, a real girl, who puts up with his beer guy, messy bathroom, and dickhead friends all of a sudden feels invisible. What the hell?

I am going to share some wisdom with you on why guys are so fascinated by these ‘plastic’ girls. These girls are the equivalent to candy; comparable to Skittles. They may taste sweeter than anything you ever put in your mouth (pun intended). They try and make sure that appeal to every primal urge a man has so when they walk by, they can have every man undressing her with their eyes and get a little chubby dreaming about the great fuck that she would be. These are the kind of girls that guys think about or look at on the internet when they masturbate.

Let me ask you this, though. When you are really hungry, is candy what you crave? Or do you tend to crave the things you need? Like maybe, things that are good for you and fills you up.

While plastic broads are what guys may want from time to time, it’s not what we need or what we really want. And we know it.

We want girls… girls like you.

Girls who never look like they are wearing make up.
Girls that laugh, girls that play.
Girls that we can talk to on the phone.
Girls who can read.
Girls who have jobs.
Girls who are insecure about how they look, but secure enough about who they are not to let it bother them too much.
Girls who have something to say.
Girls who don’t expect us to be perfect.
Girls that take care of us and let us take of them because we want to, not because we have to.
Girls who sleep in our t-shirts and still look cute.

We want the kind of girl that we can introduce to our mother. We want the kind of girl who we can take to a family picnic. We want the kind of girl who makes us strive to be better men.

Sure, we may fantasize about hooking up with centerfolds every now and then, but consider the fact that when we fantasize about you, it’s about you being our wife and the mother of our children… and you know we still want to fuck you as much as possible. While we may lust over the plastics, we fall in love with you.

There is a huge difference; even though it’s hard to tell sometimes we want you in the end.

And blow jobs, lots and lots of blow jobs.

2009-10-01T02:42:00.001-04:00

In times of unimaginable grief, people will offer you their sympathies.
And I appreciate the outstretched arm, but I’ve been in a ‘breaking things’ kind of mood.

I’ve been scarfing down the food for thought that I’ve got bowels so backed up with brilliant ideas that eventually I’m going to shit books.

I’m going to shit books so bad ass they’ll be banned for trying to define bravery as walking into a biker bar wearing a pink sweatshirt with a picture of a unicorn being tamed by a gnome.

Going it alone, is like leaping out of a window waiting for God to catch you.
And then the second before impact, gravity becomes a fact so well established it makes you calm.

I’ve gone from needing a shoulder to lean on to trying to con the night into thinking it had the day shift.

I’ve trained my shadow to shoplift life from the back pocket of levity, bent my forehead to the kiss of brevity, hoping I can get through depression with some semblance of speed.

But the live camera feed is on a 24 hour delay so I keep reliving the worst parts of yesterday in slow motion.

And someone once told me that the finer points of devotion are the size of a pinhole. But there’s millions of them and if you can connect each dot, then you’ve got a diagram of what you think you thought you knew and if you’re willing to admit you know nothing you’ve got a blueprint for breakthrough.

I’m just trying to get by.

Huffing the glue that is supposed to keep me together in a world that lets global warming get this bad then bitches about the weather.

A world where misdemeanour jailbirds of a feather flock to the back alley in an attempt to stage their own private protest rally because it still seems that capitalism is a convenience store open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and if you’re not coming to buy something they won’t let you in to take a leak.

But, I want to live in a world where 76 year olds hang out in nightclubs because they still haven’t hit their peak.

I want a week spent in silence so the next time we speak others will be ready to hear what we have to say and the following day will be comprised not so much of moments of silence, but 24 hours of noise.

Noise for the toys that we as children never wanted to let go, because we live in a world that told us to grow up so we grew, growing up to know we knew not enough because our fathers are dying.

We were left trying to make sense out of a world that doesn’t. Because everything that was supposed to be wasn’t. Because what wasn’t never was what we wished for.

We grew up waging war against birthday candles. Wishing our hearts would become handles for every time that we needed to get a grip.

I make noise for a man who gave 20 years of his life to a gold mine and then 2 years before retirement was rewarded with a pink slip.

Let us serve each chip on the shoulder of the tired and the poor to the billionaires who are convinced that in owning everything, they still need more.

This is for the bars bathroom floor. For the men and women who live there because it’s easier to care about where your next drink comes from then it is to go home to no one.

Make noise for the son or daughter that lives inside you. Maybe one day we’ll understand what our parents went through.

Make noise for everything you think you thought you knew as if knowing was enough to tough off the hard times.

Noise for the mimes that won’t, for the people who don’t, for the children who can’t.

Make noise because the land of Oz is crumbling and the Tin Man needs a heart transplant.

This is for each senseless rant that will one day make sense.

Let us put dents in the armour of those who said they could not be reached.

This is for the beached whales beaching themselves because maybe love and loneliness are not just human conditions.

Yell for the hopeless missions and hopeless wars fought by hopeful men.

Scream for the times ‘that was now and this was then’.

There will be times when noise is not enough and you must stand.

So stand.

As if you believe standing for the beliefs you believe in are worth standing for.

As if every closed door is begging to be opened up and every beggers cup is filled with the spare change needed to change the minds of those that who would have us believe that love is a missing link that we somewhere along the way misplaced.

Our lifelines are traced by hands not yet old enough to old pencils and there are no stencils for any alphabet that can be arranged to explain or articulate how we feel, because we feel so much more than we could ever voice, because every choice we makes takes us further away than our fathers.

And the disposition of long distance never bothers to explain that ‘I miss you’ means before and above all others.

Miss you like we miss the grandmothers with Alzheimer’s whose lives resemble the missing punch lines to one-liners.

So wait.

And when she finally looks at you, as if she was looking for you, stand and make noise just so she knows that you were looking too.

Tell her “Thank God I found you.”

Because know it or not, you were part of her blueprint.

She had blood like a flint that sparked you father or mother in to flame and you, like they, must burn whether you like it or not, but you were given gifts.

You’ve got windpipes that house hurricanes, veins that pump floods, I’m not the first one to say it “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old time is still a-flying: And this same flower that smiles to-day. Tomorrow will be dying.”

Every new birthday candle you blow out is only time trying to tell you that every breakthrough you make will only take you closer to the day that your parents must pay the ferry man for a ride to the other side of the river and you will one day be on your own.

But you carry a blueprint.

A hint that your history will always be with you.

That you were your parents’ breakthrough.

Your blood will be the crazy glue that keeps you together on the eventual day when you must stand alone.

So stand and make mountains jealous of how much you’ve grown.

Dear Vagina

2009-09-28T04:06:00.002-04:00

It has been a while since I have posted and after what Matt Beattie just wrote, I figure I should capitalize on the attention the site is getting and post my thoughts on vaginal grooming.

My last three sexual rendez-vous have not resulted in sex. Yeah, I know... it fucking sucks. My dick is still waiting to bust and God damnit, when I do it is going to ruin lives. Seriously.

Well, they want me to 'seduce' them. They expect me to literally sit there and write a book full of poems on why they are more special than the rest of the girls on my speed dial. Well, the truth is they aren't, so it makes it a little difficult to write anything substantial. On a positive note, once I finish the book it can be used on every single woman in the world and my dick will once again be used to abuse! Alright, alright, 'used to disappoint'. Better? Jeeze.

Anyways, the reason my encounters have ended prematurely is because the women I have been with have been terribly lazy and disgusting. And no, I don't mean fat or ugly. I mean that when I try to physically seduce them by showing them my other talents, I am met with a horrendous sight! I end up being face to face with what appears to be a direct descendant of Bigfoot and I, in my terrified, yet manly, protective state of mind, immediately try to wrestle the thing to death only to discover that it's a vagina.

Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with the area, the vagina as a whole is full of nerve endings and is pretty sensitive. So my full out attack on this incognito vagina does not go over too well. I end up getting kicked in the chest and kneed in the face, but I'm so confused at this point that I fight even harder because I'm thinking that this thing just grew legs! When it finally smothers me, I admit defeat and back away as fast as I can. It's only at this point in time that I fully comprehend the situation.

The girl is looking at me like I'm an enraged lunatic with a fetish that does not even have a porn site yet and I'm looking at her like she has Bigfoots daughter between her thighs.

Needless to say, I'm asked to leave and I willingly comply. The scent lasts for days, but the haunting memories will last forever.

So, without further ado, here is my letter to the vagina.

Hey Vagina!

I haven't seen you in a while and I thought that I would just check in to make sure you're doing okay. Last time I saw you, I guess you were on vacation in the rain forest, but I did try to see you. Me and my friend Tongue went on an adventure to find you, but we got lost in the brush and couldn't find you, so we went home assuming that you were busy for 'the week'.

As it turns out, you met my other friend Finger earlier in the evening and he said he had trouble too, but he found you swimming after a brief search. He said he couldn't stay long because the rain forest was a little too thick for his comfort zone.

Oh well, I hope you had a good vacation and I can't wait to see you again! Maybe next time you go on a trip it can be to Brazil? I heard they have this great wax exhibit. You should totally check it out!

Keep in touch,

Love,

Penis.

More Often Than Sometimes

2009-09-28T03:22:00.002-04:00

If I knew what I know now, then

Way back when we first met

I’d point at the sunset and say “I drew that for you”

Every now and then you can catch it wrinkling in the rain

See, I can talk good game from the stage.

If you engage romantic things said when we’re messing from the bed

The best I can give you is “OH MY GOD, WE’RE TOTALLY HUMPING!”

Regardless, there is something beautiful about stating the obvious

All of us do it

When those moments we can’t believe we have to say it

It’s like pinching yourself to make sure you’re awake

Take for example something as simple as touching someone

We so often say “You’re so soft”

Now the person who touched them last may have said it for the 28th time

But today I’m number 29

I’m not saying it for her benefit; I’m saying it for mine

‘Cause there is almost 7 billion people in the world

Half of which are men

The number of them is 3.5 billion

Pretty fucking cool that I was number 29

And once upon a time I was first in line for a girl with freckles and strawberry blonde hair

We loved like an electric chair hooked up to a nuclear power plant and plugged into the sun

And everything we did had never been done

I woke up with a smile the next morning that told the world “I’m number 1!”

I think of her more often than sometimes

And if she ever hears this

I want her to know that our first kiss tasted like pepper

I met her on June 27th

That year was Yellowknife’s first date of continuous light

And despite the sun not setting that night

We each went home alone

Even though our parents said “Be home before dark”

We could stayed out for weeks

We could have watched the way the sun leaks like a lake over the horizon

Casting shadows in all the right places of a bargain bin

Where love is 75% off and we are collectively 25 cents away from forever

There are times in the north where the sun never sets

And it gets confusing when we ask ourselves questions

Like “Is it too late? Or too early?”

More often than sometimes we didn’t care

We lived like two games of solitaire waiting to be played by one another

Her mother once asked me “Do ya love her?”

And I told her

“If there were one million teachers breathing down my neck telling me that the answer is no... I would say yes”

I guess that was enough for her

Because that girls father gave me a condom and wished me a happy birthday

Even now, there is no way to tell: was that awkward or creepy?

We loved like two hit men hell bent on assassinating regret

Her orgasm wet gremlin multiplied itself into another

Or when her brother knocked on the door asking “What are you guys doing in there?!”

And somewhere in with the awesome and amazing we replied in unison “Studying”

And technically we were

I wrote notes on her skin in flesh tone permanent ink that would sink and set inside as I tried to underline the important parts of her

Belly button, birth mark, collar bone...

Wrote notes explaining that curves felt like silk stretched over stone

I said “You’re so soft”

She smiled and said “Duh”

Followed by “My belly button, not an erogenous zone”

I said “I hate that word”

She said “Which one?”

I said “Erogenous”

I told her that there is beauty in the obvious

“Your belly button, that’s where you started. That’s where cells divided and grew into you. Let me do what students do best, you can test me later, and I’m going to be studying.”

She smiled and said “You’re lucky this is a take home test, boy”

I highlighted and double underlined

...Lips

Think of the beauty in the obvious

The way it forces us to admit how it exists

When it insists on being pointed out like a bloody nose

Or how every time it snows there is alone someone there to say “It’s snowing”

But the obvious isn’t showing off

It’s simply reminding us that time passes

And that somewhere along the way we must grow up

Not perfect, but up and out

It teaches us something about time

And while ticking and tocking

Walking the fine line between days and weeks

Seconds speaks of years and every month has ears

Listening to forever but never hearing anything

Young centuries swallowed by millenniums

As in time was calculating the sums needed to fill the empty belly of eternity

We so seldom understand each other

But understanding is neither here nor there

The universe is infinite

And no matter we go, we’ll always be smack dab in the middle of nowhere

All we can do is share some piece of ourselves and hope that it’s remembered

Hope that we meant something to someone

My chest is a cannon that I use to take aim and shoot my heart upon this world

I love the way an uncurled fist becomes a hand again

‘Cause when I take notes I need to underline the important parts of you

Happy... Sad... Lovely...

Battle cry ballistics like a disaster lipstick earthquake and taking of the monuments of my yesterdays

We’ll always have the obvious

It reminds of who and where we are

It lives like a heart, shaped like a jar to hand to others and say “Can you open this for me?”

We always get the same answer

“No, that would break it”

More often than sometimes

I say “Go for it”

Ugly Sunset

2009-05-25T19:21:00.002-04:00

Sunset ducking beneath that horizon

What are you so afraid of?

It gave me goose bumps, undeniably dramatic

Moonlight, pouring rain, whipping wind, one last breath

She rose out of that lake like silhouetted sea creature

Poloroid proof damaging my internal organs like sounds waves

If there ever was a moment to be labelled ‘Poetic’, this was it.

She was everything and we were endless

And now she is nailing some other guy

And I’m trapped between the foreground and the background

As the only guy she knew who can make her tingle

The breakup gave me acupuncture wounds in all the wrong places

Which felt less like a sacred Chinese method of release and relaxation

And more like being jabbed with a bunch of little fucking needles

So this is for that sunset which claims to be beautiful with its shapes and shades and mystical colours

But really it’s one ugly mother fucker

That sunset has put an end to more beautiful days than you care to count

That sunset is the reason for teen curfews and little girls being taken from their homes

That sunset is the cause of evil world wide

Fuck that thing

You can paint your canvas, and snap your photos

But I submit, that is one ugly sunset

That sunset in all of its hideous glory

Barked death threats at me

And told me that if I thought it was so fucking ugly that I shouldn’t look at it

And if I thought these feelings were so painful that I shouldn’t write poetry about them

I look at that sunset

Because even ugly is beautiful

And humanity holds no standards

So kissing this audience with my break up poem is not self-indulgence

It’s taking something ugly and painful and heart breaking beyond comprehension

And showing you just how fucking beautiful life can be

So go ahead sunset, keep causing death and destruction and darkness

Masking in its beauty

And go ahead baby, make me jealous

Pluck my nerves and yank those fucking tears out of me

I appreciate beauty no matter how difficult it is to find

I hope you can do the same

Ugly sunset ducking beneath that horizon

What are you so afraid of?

On taking chances, reaching out and making amends.

2009-05-21T23:57:00.002-04:00

We all make mistakes, true story. A few months ago, I made a really big one.

I have a close friend who I was involved with many, many moons ago. We've now known each other for about 10 years, and we are very close. We talk to each other most days, and make a point of doing so. We talk about everything and we're both exceptionally sexual people, and very open minded. There isn't much in this world we haven't discussed as a possibility and when either of us is considering something new, we bounce it off the other before heading off into the wilderness with our respective partners.

He came home from school in the spring, we hung out. We talked about his girlfriend who he was breaking up with, life, him moving home this summer, and everything that we've missed in each other's lives since we've not seen each other. We had a few drinks, cooked some ribs, had a few more drinks, a girlfriend of mine showed up, we had some more drinks.

<< Flash forward 5 magnums of wine >>

The three of us found ourselves in bed. This wasn't anyone's first rodeo in threesome arena, so no issues that way. We had a good time.

Suddenly, a moment of clarity. He misses her. He calls her. She loses her head. It all goes downhill from there. He spends the next hour fighting and making up with her while pacing around the yard and talking on his cell phone. I am violently ill from the vat of wine that I've consumed. The second girl was laying in bed whining about me not coming to cuddle with her (not my scene.)

He sleeps in the spare room. I sleep in my room. She goes home.

The next day, I get up, he wakes up and we have a very brief conversation about the events of the previous night, none of which are very clear to any of us, and then he high tails it home. We're all feeling a little sheepish about the night's events and about things getting out of hand. I decide to give it some time.

A few days later, I see him pop online for about 10 seconds before he disappears. Strange, but I don't think much of it. Then I go to his facebook page, but we're not linked on there anymore. It dawns on me. I've been cut, and it hurts.

We don't talk for a few months, but it has been weighing on my mind. I feel like shit because things got out of hand, and now I've lost someone who was such a huge part of my life.

I am really mad at myself, I resent him for how he handled it and I feel betrayed because I thought that we had more than one mistake.

Today, I had a really shitty day, one of those days when you need the people you lean on, and who lean on you around.

So I gave in. I reached out. I sent him a text. I called him out on how he handled it, made my apologies and identified that I didn't even know if he had moved home and changed his number and I might be too late.

I sent: I doubt that this is your number anymore, but if it is, I want you to know that the whole thing was stupid and that I didn't intend for that to happen. We're all equally responsible, but I'm sorry just the same. On the other hand, disappearing like you did solves nothing. I hope the rest of your semester went well.

I didn't hear anything for a couple of hours, and I was devastated. I thought that he might still be mad, or that I really had waited too long.

My phone chirps: I handled it badly, it was a huge dick move. She lost her mind and made me erase every trace of you. I'm moving home next week, and I'd like to work it out. I would hate to lose you. She's not worth it if it costs me our relationship, but I didn't know how to reach out. I'm glad you did. I'm sorry.

On a really hard day, I stood in a park and smiled.

Moral of the story: No mistake is too big, if you're willing to take a chance, reach out, and make amends.

Quick Posts

2009-05-19T19:03:00.002-04:00

School:

Most of the readers in this site are in some form of post-secondary education or have just recently completed it, so this mainly goes out to you, although anyone can respond as they see fit.

Throughout our early years, we are told that grades are terribly important to our future success and without good grades, we will simply fail at life. Teachers, parents, and our peers are all guilty of putting a great deal of emphasis on the importance of grades and it causes a lot of students to stress out over a simple test. I can remember a kid in 8th grade who would complain to the teacher if he got anything less than perfect, and to me that is sad. No child should be that concerned with their grades. Sure, aim high, but don't believe that one low mark will be detriment to your future.

My academic history has been stellar and I can safely say that I have put less effort into my education than most people put into tying their shoes. I can easily be described as a 'lazy' student, but for the large part it is because school is boring to me. There are very few subjects that challenge me and as such, I don't put effort into learning it. That's not to say that I don't learn it, but I certainly do not go home and do an hour of reading and homework every night. For me, it's quite simple: I look over it, if it makes sense, I remember it. If not, I re-read it and I figure it out. I don't need a teacher to sit by me and work step-by-step through each equation. If I need help, I'll ask. Why waste my time ensuring that everyone else understands a simple concept? It's not worth my time or energy to go to class and sit with a bunch of slow learners. I respect the fact that everyone learns in different ways and at a different pace, but getting bored in class negatively affects my academic performance. I have a great work ethic when I am interested in something, but otherwise, I simply don't care, and therefore I choose to stay home most days. I still learn the same material and I will probably have a deeper understanding of it because I can go into further detail and research than someone who spends that extra time in class learning the basics.

So, my questions to you are:
Do you care about your grades? Why/Why not?
Do you get mad or upset when a student like myself gets equal or better grades than you?
Do you agree or disagree or me?

Live a life of regrets

2009-05-08T15:03:00.005-04:00

One of the most annoying, pretentious, pseudo-inspirational sayings is "live a life of no regrets". Or some variation on that theme. It's junk, complete garbage. Its the kind of thing you find in crappy self-help books for people that are trying to whitewash the screw ups they've made.

I know what it's supposed to mean. "Be happy with your life and don't dwell on what could have been." I could agree with that. But that's not what it says. It says don't have any regrets. Don't regret anything you've done, no matter what the consequences of your actions were. It all went into making you the person you are now, right?

We make mistakes. We make bad decisions. We screw up and hurt people. Feeling regret over these things is good. That's what makes us learn from them. Sometimes

Here's a couple of examples of things I regret having done.

I regret deciding to take the back way home when there was six inches of slush on the road and losing the truck into a hydro pole. There's no upside to this. Sure, I guess I learned not to do that again. But frankly I regret doing that. It cost me a truck and a job.

I regret calling religion 'a crutch people use to excuse their failings' during an argument with a friend of mine that was very religious. In my defense I was referring to people saying 'God did it' whenever science can't explain something. She got very upset about it, basically I killed our friendship right there. Now you could say that since I learned to think a little more before making that kind of statement, that I shouldn't regret making it. I do though. I'd rather be a bit of an unthinking jerk than have hurt a friend.

No regrets means no compassion, no remorse. If you subscribe to that all your apologies are fake. You can't be sorry for something you if you don't regret it. There's a name for people that don't regret anything: sociopaths.

Regret you mistakes. Regret the injuries you've done to people. It'll make you a better person.

You know not what you do - Written by an anonymous friend

2009-04-29T00:03:00.003-04:00

Nobody enjoys being lied to. It is not exactly a secret that lies cause hurt feelings and destroy trust, but let’s for a moment think of the even greater damage that your lies inflict.

We women have to constantly rely on our gut to warn us of danger. When we find out that we got no warning that you were lying to us… that you were dangerous to our heart, it is like a little chip in our armor. Your lie may not be the first or even the biggest we’ve experienced but every single lie destroys little by little our ability to trust. We slowly stop trusting others or even hearing our own gut.

My father once told me something that I will never forget. When I asked him why he and mom don’t ever have loud arguments, he said that they wait until they’ve both cooled down before discussing a difference of opinion that may cause an argument. They don’t want to say hurtful things in the heat of the moment that they may later regret.

“You may forgive someone for hurting you, but you will never forget.”

This is even more true with lies. I can’t even count the number of lies that men have told me over the years… but I remember them all. I try not to let one man’s lies affect how I am with a different man but I’m human. I’ve learned things from every man I’ve been involved with. A lot of those things are good and have helped me to grow. All of those good things, however, are overshadowed by the one thing the men all have in common… the lies. I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out what makes them lie… trying to show them they don’t need to lie to me.

I finally gave up.

It’s useless. The only thing that helped me do is be able to predict when he/they were going to lie to me again and about what. That’s helpful up until I get rocked by a new and even more devestating lie I didn’t see coming.

Later I jokingly came up with the one reason that explains all of it so that I could stop wasting my time stressing over why. Men are FUCKED. It’s a fact. Even joking about it can’t stop the more insidious truth from settling in. This is the one thing my subconscious has been trying to convince me for a long time. This idea really hurts my optimism… damages my hope for good things. This has really tried to drag me into a depression that even happy pills can’t cope with.

I cannot trust men.

There, I said it. I have lost the ability to trust anyone with a Y chromosome. I feel sorry for any man that wants the chance to date me. I can be very hostile when I think I’m being lied to and I am quick to run away when I think I may be hurt. Wow, this is a downer. Let’s change to the more general message I was looking to convey, shall we?

Men, you all have mothers… sisters, aunts, grandmothers, or female friends you care about. Some of you even have daughters you would like to protect. You would not like for the women in your life to be hurt. Think about this. Everytime you lie even about little things, you cause a woman to stop trusting you. Everytime you lie, you contribute to a woman’s doubt that you even care about her. Everytime you lie, you push a woman that much closer to giving up. With each lie, you create a woman who is cold… untrusting… unfeeling… who refuses to let her guard down. With each lie you create a woman who feels the need to run background checks on anyone she considers dating… who pushes away anyone who might be able to hurt her if she lets herself care.

With each lie, you create a woman no man can get to… a woman no man can truly know…

With each lie, you create a woman like me.

Ladies, let’s just forget about love and use them for sex and presents.

GLOBAL CRISIS!

2009-04-28T19:26:00.004-04:00

Lock your doors and hide in your basements, everyone. We have a global crisis on our hands! Fuck all of our economic problems, we're facing something WAY bigger.

*dun dun dun*

THE SWINE FLU!

...seriously?

Is anyone actually worried about this thing? Do people actually believe the preposterous fear-mongering in the media?

Do you know what swine flu is? It's the flu. That's what it is. The symptoms are EXACTLY the same as the regular flu. You know who dies by the flu? Old people and babies. Babies are at risk for pretty much everything, and old people are expected to die, so what's the big deal?

It's absolutely ridiculous. "To protect against the virus health officials are stressing the importance of washing your hands, covering your mouth when you cough, and using your sleeve if you need to sneeze." So basically, if you're not a big slob and you have passable hygiene, then you should be OK.

This reminds me of SARS. How many people actually died from SARS? It was probably less than ten in Canada, and I'm sure they were all old people. There have been four, FOUR cases of swine flu in all of Toronto, and all four have been mild. None of the infected people needed any medication to recover. This is even more of a joke than SARS was.

This is far from a Global Crisis, but I recognize that it is somewhat of a big deal for Mexico, considering they have a pretty high mortality rate. But does anyone have really high expectations for the health care system in Mexico? The fact that so many people have died in Mexico and so few have died anywhere else (as in, none) merely acts as a contrast between good health care and bad health care.

Just so we're clear, this post is a joke-note. I'm not being serious with most of the stuff that I'm saying. But I think the point stands that we're making a big deal out of nothing with this swine flu epidemic.

Handing out "1, 2, Free" Cards at the Abortion Clinic now, are they?

2009-04-28T12:48:00.002-04:00

Let me start this out by saying that I am pro-choice. I think that there are circumstances under which an abortion is arguably appropriate. I understand that it's a hard thing to legislate because you can't legislate for every possible situation and so the legislation would sway way too far in favour, or way too far against it, as a topic.

I should also preface this by saying that I can't have kids. It has been a known fact since I was about 14 years old. So, I have a pretty strong opinion on a lot of things based on that, which I'll explain further on.

What I don't agree with is abortion as a preferred method of birth control. If you are having sex, you should be protecting yourself, and your significant other from unwanted pregnancies. Period.

I understand that no method is perfect, and as such accidents do happen. I have a friend who used a condom, which broke, she was on the needle, and used the morning after pill, and she still has a son, just the same. So, I'm not completely oblivious to the inherent risk of modern science failing.

Now, you may ask, "Where does this rant come from?"

I have a friend, who will remain unnamed. She got pregnant about a year ago. She was on the fence about keeping it, but her mother 'forced' her to have an abortion, or at least that's what she'll tell you. What really happened is that she knew it was too early in the relationship with her boyfriend, but she was going to have it anyhow. However, when she found out, she panicked, did a lot of coke, drank a bunch, and then asked me my opinion.

They weren't using condoms, so it was eventually going to happen, and was a known risk.

I did my VERY best to help her weigh her options impartially, regardless of my personal opinions. She sat on the fence for another few weeks and then came crying to me again. I held her hand and walked her through a decision making process, again. She waited another week or two, then came to me again. She had continued partying this whole time, and still didn't know what to do. She was waiting for me to tell her that it was Okay to make the decision that she had clearly already made. Fine. I did what I do best, and gave the tough love speech. I told her what the drugs and the drinking could potentially do to her baby, and to her body, and that she needed to get her shit together and grow up. She elected to have an abortion. I stood by her decision, regardless of my personal stance, and she moved on.

Fast forward a year.

She tried the pill, but had some trouble with the one kind she tried and never went back on it. She uses condoms infrequently and sometimes uses other methods of birth control, all of which she knows have approximately a 70% success rate. She is 100% clear that pregnancy is a possibility again. She tells me that she would have the baby this time if she got pregnant again.

And then she gets pregnant again.

She calls me crying. She wants to have the baby, again. Oh, wait, no she doesn't. She doesn't know what to do.

Then she says, "My boyfriend will leave me if I have the baby, so clearly I can't have it."

WHAT? Don't you think you guys should have had the conversation about that before you started using birth control that only had a 70% success rate, and even that being sporadic at best?

So, she asks me what to do, again. I abstain from having an opinion this time. She pushes, I say, "You're not going to like what I have to say about this."

She says, "I have to chose between a baby unknown, or a boyfriend who I love, and who loves me."

Hold on a second. He loves you so much that he'll leave you for having his child, even though you are moving in together and getting engaged anyhow? He loves you so much that he'll ask you to get a second abortion after the first one made you a train wreck mentally and emotionally for months? He loves you so much that he won't give you a chance to have further discussion about a decision this big, and just said that you know that you have to make a choice? He loves you so much that there is an ultimatum?

I would seriously question that love, but at the same time, I get why he's upset.

And just to pre-empt this: Absolutely, it takes two to tango, but he wasn't informed as to her choices in birth control. He though that what she was using was 99.97% successful. He trusted her. She took away his ability to make an educated decision in this arena. Period.

Abortion is not an acceptable form of birth control. Suck it up. Fight harder to find the kind of birth control pill is right for you. Talk to your doctor about options for more reliable methods. Get on the needle, implants, get your tubes tied, do whatever.

You knew what the odds were you were that going to get pregnant, and you were okay with that, and now you're blaming him for not wanting a baby. But you didn't talk to him when you made the decision to go off the pill, and you didn't tell him about the realistic success rate of other methods that you were using.

So, you took the chance, you knew what was going to happen eventually. You now are having another abortion, inside a year, because you didn't want to make your boyfriend wear a condom? Seriously?

And you're mad that I have an opinion on that, even after you asked me for it. Even after you knew that I can't have kids and would kill for one? Even when I tried to abstain from voicing my opinion because I knew it wasn't what you wanted to hear?

Like I said, there are times when an abortion might be the right answer, and I would never deny anyone the choice, but I think that "Ooops" twice in one year is pretty ghastly. I think that laziness and lies are not a good foundation for the decision.

However, I also know that if she doesn't want the baby, she'll abuse her body while she's pregnant. If she doesn't put it up for adoption or have an abortion it will grow up unwanted, and that's not fair either. It just pisses me off that it came down to that in the first place.

If you can't make more responsible decisions from the get go, then perhaps you're not responsible enough to be having sex at all. But then again, there's no way to legislate that either.

What do you think?

Religion and Politics don't mix.

2009-04-27T14:00:00.002-04:00

I've recently affirmed my stance on religion after spending the last few years in limbo, and now I'm looking at aspects of religion in a more detailed and critical way. One of those aspects is its influence on politics. Quite frankly, religion and politics don't mix, and often spell out disastrous results.

Take the new rape law in Afghanistan for example. For those of you who don't know, a new law -- sponsored by a Muslim cleric -- has been passed in Afghanistan that literally cripples women's rights in the country. The law makes women subject to their husbands; men have the right to demand sex once every four days, they can force their wives to wear make-up, and more. It's absolutely ridiculous from a secular perspective, but the law is in tune with religious laws. But then the question arises: isn't religious law adequate? Why does it have to be affirmed in civil law?

Quite frankly, this new law is imposing. If people truly believed in their religion and the laws that govern it, then they would follow it. This law practically forces people to follow the laws of religion, regardless of how they feel about it. Why is that necessary? Why blend religious and civil law? Why not have civil laws that are punishable by the state, and religious laws that are punishable by a divine figure?

Religion muddles politics. Candidates can win elections based solely on their religious stance, even if they are absolutely terrible candidates. Bush is a perfect example of this. Does anyone actually think that he would have been elected (twice) without pushing the Christian line? I've seen documentaries where people say the only reason they voted for Bush is the fact that he's Christian. I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. They ignore all of his shortcomings, TWICE, and elect him solely because he is a Christian. That's like saying, "I'm tall, and I'm going to vote for this guy because he's tall too!" I understand that people view the religious affiliations of a candidate as an affirmation of their values, but really, is that more important than their policy views?

I was reading a news article today about a rich neighbourhood in Brampton, outside of the city. A man on that street hosted gatherings every Saturday, and there would be upwards of 60 cars clogging up the street to attend. Neighbours began to complain about the traffic, the congestion, the noise, etc. However, the city has been reluctant to act. Why? Because the man is holding religious gatherings. How is that any different from any other gathering? People getting together to pray is no different from people getting together to watch TV or anything else. The city has been reluctant because they don't want to hurt their chances with religious voters. Ridiculous.

Here's to a secular society, where religious views are kept separate, and we are all equal under civil law, and free to follow our own religious laws. Here's to politics uninfluenced by religion, where the best candidate wins, and not the one with the Bible in his back pocket.