Justin's Journal

It's Been Awhile...

2019-08-10T01:22:00.000-07:00

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INTRODUCTION
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I feel unmotivated on this... maybe I shouldn't even write it. I feel like I've written all of this stuff a million times and I'm going to bore everybody with it... thus it's rather useless. I also don't like wallowing in self pity and sharing that with others. People deserve more than that. Maybe that means that there is no place for me. I'm starting to believe that as it doesn't much seem to matter that I'm here.

I don't mean that towards anybody, nor do I think anyone should feel bad about it. I've pretty much been feeling that for the last few years so I'm kinda numb to the whole thing right now.

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IDENTITY
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I have thought about it a lot over the past year and I've come to the conclusion that I don't know who I want to be anymore.

It scares me... I have no idea what I am going to do! I feel wrong because I'm a 35 year old and I am nothing.

Growing up, I always thought... since I can remember... that she, the girl of my dreams, is out there. I know that's a lot of pressure and all but it made so much sense. After many years of false hopes I actually found her... which surprised even me... I know there's more than one person that people are compatible with but there's always the idea of "The One"; which has made me see it as more of a sliding scale.

In other words, each person has several possible "The One"s.

However when this "The One" turned out to be something even more "The Oneish" than I could of imagined... there was nothing I could do to be her "The One".

I feel like "maybe if she believed in me", but I wasn't in her picture. So she found her "The One" and is busy with her life... and it hurt like nothing has ever hurt me before. Even now I feel like she is "The One" but even if that were true... I am stuck... there is nothing I can do about the situation... or I guess nothing I would do because... she doesn't need or want me. Not that she ever did.

It just would have been nice if someone needed or wanted me.

I have entertained thoughts of others being "The One" but I never could see it very clearly. Any others who fall into the category of girl of my dreams all seem to deserve more than me anyway. The only way it could possibly work is if a girl... a woman, I guess... girl may sound diminutive and far younger or less mature than I intend... but I think the only way is if she were interested in me first and I reciprocated the feeling... which in my personal 35 year experience has rarely, if ever, been the case.

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WORKING _________________________________________________________________________________

That's what brings me to this next bit... technically, I wanted to tackle that last subject here and this first but this is how it came out, so I guess we're just gonna roll with it!

I don't have a stellar work history. I am currently working with a company called Appen... I'm quite happy with it but it is not the sort of job that I foresee having becoming a career. In fact, I am certain that it was never intended for that purpose.

When I found it, I was applying to a range of jobs... usually in retail, but also to a variety of jobs... entry level for the most part... but I tended to only get interviews for the retail ones... and judging from the fact that I am not working at Best Buy right now, one could accurately guess that I am not great at the interview process.

In school, I managed to get a Bachelor's Degree in Radio-TV-Film and I really wanted to be involved in that. I obviously never got involved as that as a career despite apply to a lot of those jobs as well. Throughout m,y education, I learned that movie production was not my strong suit leading me to focus on development and writing.

While I enjoyed writing, none of my courses actually taught me what to do with a finished script though. I knew the basics and what needed to happen but it was never clear how I'd actually present it to someone who could do something with it.

I did consider doing it myself and posting to YouTube but my friends weren't really into that and while doing it myself might be funny... I didn't think it would work.

During all of this schooling and applying, I was also doing things like creating a website from scratch (Which took a lot out of me because it was one of those "Destination Sites"), building a webstore, producing poetry books and doing videos (writing, editing, directing... I guess).

None of my web stuff took off and eventually I've just spent less and less time on it. I even downgraded my website because it was more of an investment than was paying off. I'm still doing something with it but I'm not sure it can ever be worth much.

With my YouTube videos, I haven't posted anything since last year... and I'm not sure it matters. I want to do something and I have a plan... though I'm pretty sure it won't be commercially successful... I'd be lying if I said I don't care if anyone watches it but the plan is basically storytelling games as one and I don't see that drawing any sort of crowd on YouTube... so I'm not sure it's really worthy of their bandwidth!

Anyhow, this has all killed my passion for anything. When I think about devoting my time to anything... film-making, coding, building anything... I just don't have any desire for it.

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UNWORTHY
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I know that this is not a feeling unique to me and I truly feel bad for anyone of any age who is going through this but I do not feel special!

I thought I was supposed to be special... what I mean by that is that there are people out there who ordinary life happens to by doing the same things I have done. I'm not really jealous of them... well, maybe just a bit... but I get it... not everyone is the same.

But time goes by... and people get married or graduate or have kids... or get a new job... and yes, I'm sure it's exciting for them; however, for me things stay pretty much the same.

I mean, I've had graduations and birthday parties now and again and I was even in a few musicals and plays some years ago but I don't feel like I accomplish anything anymore as no one is that interested in celebrating my accomplishments.

I get that people are busy but it feels a lot like people have given up on me... did people just give up on me? Does my desire for Love mean nothing?

I put my heart and sole into my work and my friends and family are rather dismissive about it. On one hand, I do understand because so much is going on but me self publishing a new book should be meaningful on to someone who isn't me on some level, right? Maybe it's not saving the Earth from an errant meteor but it'd be nice to go out to dinner or something. Or maybe even just have people say congratulations!

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HAPPY HEADINGS
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So among the utter loneliness and dejection I feel, I have managed to build a few bright spots. Some of the darkness comes from a lack of enjoyment with the Summer season... I know people like the sunshine and warmth and I'll agree that it is nice for a time, but in California... I think it stays for two long... admittedly that's because I'm not a big beach person nor am I a group person.

I do look forward to Fall, even though it doesn't officially arrive for a couple months. Even longer in California... at least it seems like it. Regardless, I seem to be more productive when Summer goes and with that comes the optimism that I might actually reach some new goals.

I've got some planned out, too! I have some video courses I am looking forward to; especially the one on car maintenance as then I'll be able to check out my own vehicle and not just take it to the shop for everything... or at the very least, I'll know what needs to happen with my automobile.

I've also picked up courses on Math fundamentals (Because I need a refresher), computer coding in C#, Building Confidence and Developing a sense of Rhythm. I am excited about all of those!

Also, I've been learning to play the Ukulele over the Summer (It was really on a whim but I am enjoying it) I'm not sure it will ever become anything but I'd like to start my own video channels for it. I've been practicing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" and I think I'm going to release it to friends and family... I think it would be fun and let them know what's up. I also plan to start post Ukulele stuff to Instagram as well!

I don't know... it'd be nice if I could take interesting photos of myself and post them on Instagram I am just not sure that would work for me.

I also have that YouTube thing I wanna do... I wanna start building up a back catalog of episodes for next year... I'd like to post a few this year too but I guess I shouldn't jump the gun.

Lastly, I'd really like to focus on publishing my new poetry book. I finished it way back in March and was hoping to get it published by an actual publisher but since it's been over 90 days I'm pretty sure they've either passed on it or just never got it. I never got a confirmation either way... but it's a much bigger one than my other little books... so I think it deserves to be treated with care. I'm even gonna try and get physical copies into stores!

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CONCLUSION
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So that's my story... well... for now, I guess. I don't know if I'll write these a lot. I'll probably just stick to the poems but thank you all the same for reading this. It means a lot to me and just so you know, I'm not expecting you to try to fix or comment on any of this... you can if you want but honestly, I would be surprised to even have someone read this!

I do hope that you found something in there to take with you in life or at least to make you smile! Whatever happens next, I hope to see you in the future!

Take Care!

Regards,
Justin
www.absurdlyepic.com

Falling Back

2011-03-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

I have a problem. Some would probably suggest that everyone has a problem and that I should quit whining... but this journal is about me whining... in some form or another. The main issue is that I don't have a job or a regular source of income that I receive for services or goods.

Due to that my life has suffered immensely. I really can't expect my family to bail me out of a jam and to be honest, I really don't want that... I try to get ahead in the world and whatever I try doesn't seem to make an impact on my success or failure in life.

Did you know that my blogs aren't the first thing I've tried. Heck, making money on my own wasn't even the first thing I tried. When I got out of school I actually tried to get a job... I mean, I tried hard! I was calling, networking, applying, writing and rewriting my resume... changing cover letter to entice a potential employer to inviting me to interview.

After just under a year of that I withdrew a bit. I wasn't getting very far and putting so much effort in that I just wasn't happy. About that time I rediscovered my Zazzle store and decided to add more to it and put some energy into getting my own projects into the world. I fixed up and changed my website a million times... joined all the major social networking things and made sure the information on them was decent and relevant.

I had a few sales from my Zazzle store and I was emboldened to create more stores in the hopes that I might reach a larger audience across the web. It hasn't worked... I made a grand total of $35.00 from my zazzle store and most of that was actually because of a family member purchasing gifts.

Throughout this, I've kept applying and networking at a reduced yet still very productive rate and I have only four interviews at places that were not all that close to my goal. I knew I'd be starting out more or less at the bottom but I didn't think I wouldn't be able to break in at all.

I'm not sure what point this all has, I suppose I wanted to justify myself to you and tell someone I'm still trying. Unfortunately, it isn't really up to me at this point... the world needs to throw me a win and I'm just not sure it has that for me.

P.S. I wanted to mention that I want to play World of Warcraft but I would have to pay for a subscription... I actually have a subscription card but after 60 days I'd have no way of renewing it... unless something drastically changes for the better. I'll be hoping for that either way!

Rifftrax

2011-03-08T23:03:00.000-08:00

I want to take a minute to make sure you check out Rifftrax! Rifftrax are commentaries that make fun of movies while you watch them. While there are a lot of older movies and shorts you can buy all ready to watch, for many of the recent films you are just buying an MP3 file to sync up with the movie.

Some movies have a riff player file you can sync with and watch it riffed on your computer... but they don't seem to have a lot of those. If it sounds too complicated for you, a simple search will reveal ways in which you can make your own rifftrax enabled disc but it works fine manually seeking everything up.

Wondering what kinds of jokes they do? I really can't explain it... they'll make comments based on what's going on to random references to 90's pop culture... really, you'd have to watch one to know. There are samples of each one on their website and there is a vast library of commentaries to choose from... so if you like to laugh... I over-watch them and I still laugh so hard that I do a spit-take into my cream soda ending up with cream soda in my face... and if you like any of the movies they do... which is a wide array... check them out!

If you do decide to try one out, I'd start off with the Matrix... or The Fifth Element... they are early on so you won't find too many references to other Rifftrax and they are one solid file that is easy to sync with the movie... plus the movies stand on their own, so you won't get stuck wondering what happens next. If you are still unsure of the whole syncing thing you could always try out one of the DVDs they have... they aren't recent films but they are still pretty funny!

Prove Me Wrong

2011-03-06T22:36:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, I don't want to bring anyone down... I just seem to be at a point in my life where not a whole lot of good things have come my way to talk about. I have several other blogs and many of them probably have cheerier stuff than this but I guess I just need to write it down.

I am tired of feeling this way... I am tired of putting myself into something and getting nothing out of it. I was thinking about it... I haven't been really excited about anything since 2007! That's like four years! I mean, what's up with that? People have told me to stop my complaining because people have it worse.

I agree, alright... but no matter who you are, there is someone who always has it worse. I feel unkind suggesting it, but at a certain point you have to wonder "What about me?" I'm fairly certain if everything magically starts looking up for that person who has it worse, they'll continue not to think about me. And that's fine... if I don't affect some guy's life then why should he put any thought towards mine?

My beef is with the mechanics of life. I keep trying new things to stay afloat... and I think that what I do is of note... but it doesn't help... life wants to sink me. Sorry, I wanted to stay with that metaphor.

Still, I look at the week ahead... the month... the year... and I'm not sure that anything will change for the better. I have too much time and nothing to do with it. Some might think it's a blessing... no one is making me wake up and drive to some daily grind... I can do whatever I want right? Wrong... I'm in a hole and I can't get out... yes, a lot of it is my fault... but some of it is out of my hands to fix. Someone needs to take an interest or I am doomed to go through the same things over and again... I can't look forward to anything because no one sees me! The real me... the me that can be fun and good...

And I have to laugh because people tell me to be optimistic... optimism is what got me to this point. I mean, pessimism won't really help either but optimism hasn't been my problem. I think if you look into my work that'll show. It makes me wonder whether anyone wants to really know me... I know that I'm not some famous celebrity or anything but at least my friends might want to see who I am.

I don't know if I really fit into anyone's life anymore. I will still put my all into it. I'm afraid though, that I'm just taking up space. Prove me wrong.

Have good nights, and take care!

Social Drop-Outs

2011-03-04T23:07:00.000-08:00

I just read that it's National Day of Unplugging so this topic isn't likely to get a lot of hits. I was planning on discussing my feel regarding this whole 'Green Movement' anyway, so I'll bring it up on Justin On... a blog I host over at Wordpress. For now, I'd like to bring up my other topic... the original one for which I had planned this post.

What happens to make people not as socially minded on the weekends? I am inundated with posts about a bunch of stuff everyday... especially on Facebook. But come the weekend, the chatter almost entirely shuts off and it's almost like I might as well not post anything. I don't really have any sort of answer for this... maybe it's some kind of having free time thing I just don't get spending most of my free time using the computer. I don't understand it... I just know that starting every weekend, hits on all of my sites go way down. Well, whatever you're all up to, I hope you're having a ton of fun!

Store Or Shop

2011-03-02T22:57:00.001-08:00

Okay... this probably isn't all too important but I've pondered it for awhile... I think I prefer the word "shop" over the word "store". I'm not really sure why... shop just sort of pops more. Don't you agree?

The End of My Rope

2011-03-01T22:34:00.000-08:00

Hey, that's a good name for a song.. at least I think it is. Anyway, this post is rather dreary, so it won't hurt my feeling if you only scan it. I get that people tend to like their writings on the cheerier side of things here... and this won't be cheery. I'll try to make it short though. The thing is... I'm stuck... it's like being stuck in a dark tunnel... people say there is light on the other side but I don't think I can go much farther. I'm not planning to hurt myself or anything like that but at a certain point everybody wonders if anybody want them in their life. Generally this stuff passes with time and I've put it from my mind... but it's been hanging around me for a long time and though I've tried very hard (Some Jedi might even say I've done or done not) I don't seem to have a place here. To make it worse... I don't think anyone can help.

It'd be easy to say that no one understands but I'm sure that's not true. I mean, everybody has their own bad patches, right? But again... my bad patch doesn't seem to have any sort of ending. I don't seem to be able to find work... despite great efforts I can't even get a shred of an interview. It's almost as if a judgment was made on my name without any knowledge. It's not like I apply to jobs way above my own qualifications... I have a B.A. in Film and TV and you'd think I'd be able to get at least an interview for a job as a P.A. at the company I interned at! Or a file clerk at some smaller studio... but my best interview of late was for Best Buy for the Geek Squad and after a little going around I couldn't even get in there... and the head of the department liked me! (Well, that or he lied... but unless this guy was also an actor... a really good one... he seemed to like me). So yeah... this whole thing is about money... but it's more than that really.

Since my interview I don't put in as many applications... I plan to start up regularly applying again soon... but I'm not sure I have much faith in the job hunt anymore. I've started designing pictures and putting them on things for sites like Zazzle and CafePress and I'm more active with my web site but I get the distinct impression that no one cares. I know that everyone has their own lives to deal with but you'd think someone might actually take an interest in some piece I've done... not everyone has time for practical art but I do more than that... from practical art to written stuff like poetry and scripts to music and videos. I do A LOT! But no one recognizes me... and honestly, I don't care about the fame or power... but I can't go any further. Well, I can and will at least go as far as I can... but it feels like I'm overextended...

It matters very little. I'm after life, Love, passion and happiness and my time is almost up. What does that mean? Well, back in school, I figured it'd be a few months but I would find a job easy and so I got into a little debt thinking I'd just spend a few years paying it off... then the whole people not wanting me comes into play... and here I sit... almost two years later... nothing has changed except the fact that I don't have money... I guess I didn't have money then but I was at least able to get by... now, that is gone and I am only just barely getting by... and eventually I'll be saying goodbye to what little I have. And this whole thing sounds petty and just all around sad... but it scares me... 'cause what little I have is all that I have and if I lose it... I think that's the end.

I sincerely hope that I'm wrong and that something works out for me. I'd like nothing more than to write another blog about how wrong I was.

To happier times, my friends!
~ Justin