JV Sports

The Hall of Fame

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:05:00 +0000

Well, it looks like JVsports has run its course.

This blog was a lot of fun and I hope that you, the readers, have enjoyed it as much as we, the authors have.

If your looking for fresh blogging action, you can find Jeff's new blog at

http://vitkunbrands.wordpress.com/

or on twitter (@fakejeffvitkun)

If you want to stroll down memory lane here take a look at what I think is some of our best work. The hall of fame posts are listed chronologically.

[disclaimer]

THESE POSTS, WHILE SOMETIMES POIGNANT WILL CONTAIN NUMEROUS SPELLING AND GRAMATICAL ERRORS. AT TIMES THEY WILL MAKE CRUDE JOKES AT THE EXPENSE OF THOSE THAT CAN'T DEFEND THEMSELVES. TO CALL THIS SITE AMORAL IS TO INSULT AMORAL PEOPLE. EVERYTHING ON THIS WEBSITE WAS ALMOST CERTAINLY WRITTEN BY A GROUP OF DISENFRANCHISED YOUNG MEN THAT SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED OR RESPECTED.

ENTER AT YOUR OWN PERIL

[end disclaimer]

The post that started it all

The post that came after the post that started it all

An OK post...not too expensive

The 2007 NFL draft drinking game

1905

Chesnutt is America

WSOP rant

ESPN is stupid, part I of 1,000,000

My opinion about PEDs is important

Rundown 0'November

American Gladiators Drinking Game

Welcome to 2008

My take on the Roger Clemons Report is important

Friday Rundown

Power Hour is good or bad or something

FR

Tell me that you don't see a creepy resemblance between this and this

I have a healthy respect for rain boots.

Think about this the next time you look at recruits

FR

Duke has cheer sheets

FR

Random Thoughts

These were common

A great Chase Photoshop

2008 NFL Draft Drinking Game

Ozzie Guillen's Daily Life

Mailbag

I know stuff about MMA or something

Hungover Rant 2

More Random Thoughts

I have some teehees at Arlen Specter's expense

A totally real interview with an NFL super star

July 31st sucks

This thing was neat

I have unparalleled access to B. Favre

Hot Dog info

An article on Brandon Jennings

Yao = Girl

The Zorn Fighter!

Communism and the Nationals

Hungover Rant

PLAYOFF BOUND

noreply@blogger.com (Bazooka Jones) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:42:00 +0000

In recent news, my latest trend of capitalizing headlines has continued, this time because the Ravens are back in the playoffs after crushing the Jags.

It was an all-around well played game, with the normal bruising rushing attack, Flacco passing for 246 yards in the first half, two Reed picks, and two fumble recoveries by Ray-Ray.

The Ravens are set for a first round match-up with a team they dismantled on the road earlier this season, the surprising Miami Dolphins.

The added bonus to all this? The fucking Pats are left out of the playoffs because of the wins by Baltimore and Miami. This story from the Boston Globe touches on this, and has a great quote from Ravens LB Bart Scott, who said, "I'm just glad to see New England out, because [expletive] them from last year."

I fucking love it.

Whose to thank for all this? There's Flacco, the always stout defense, the running game and a cast of underrated wideouts, but most of all it's gotta be Rookie head coach extraordinaire John Harbaugh.

MARYLAND TERRAPINS: 2008 NATIONAL CHAMPS

noreply@blogger.com (Bazooka Jones) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 17:41:00 +0000

The Maryland men's soccer team won the 2008 National Championship yesterday, defeateing UNC 1-0, and earning the Terps their second National title in the past 4 years.

The Terps were led by senior Graham Zusi, who followed up his Friday night, double overtime, game winning, top-play spot earning free kick goal with a strike from 18 yards out in the 66th minute.

With 10 minutes remaining a UNC player made a great run to goal, dribbling inside the 18 yard box and breaking ankles all the way, just before a beautiful kick save by freshman keeper Zac Macmath, who won his 18th consecutive start.

The dominant Terps defense held their own, and helped Maryland earn their second 1-0 victory of the College Cup (the soccer equivilant of the Final Four).

The College Cup Offensive MVP was, of course, Zusi, and the Defensive MVP was the Big O, junior Omar Gonzalez. Senior defenders A.J. Delagarza (whose dad I've sat with at games and is fucking awesome) and Rich Co!stan!zo!, along with sophomore Jason Herrick, joined Zusi and Omar on the All tourney team.

I've been going to watch Maryland soccer games for the last 8 years or so, and though we've lost a lot of great players to graduation and the MLS, this was still probably the best team I've seen. Senior leadership at every position, outstanding freshmen at striker and in between the pipes, a high level of continuity, a ridiculous defense and of course the best coach around, Sasho Cirovski.

This edition of the Terps set the school records for wins in a season (22), shutouts in a season (15) and took both the ACC and NCAA titles.
Congrats, Terps! And I'll miss you seniors, especially you Zooooooooooooosi.

RAVENS DOMINATE 'SKINS

noreply@blogger.com (Bazooka Jones) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 04:35:00 +0000

The Baltimore Ravens, behind two Ed Reed picks and a fumble recovery TD, along with another dominant running performance, overpowered the nearby Washington Redskins, 24-10.

The Skins didn't get on the scoreboard until the 4th quarter. Then down 14 with 1:30 left, and two timeouts, Washington threw in the towel and let the Ravens offense basically end the game.

Time to crack a Natty Boh and celebrate this one, I've been looking forward to this moment all season. Maybe now all my Redskins fan friends will lay off the shit talking, since it's now clear: The Baltimore Ravens > The Washington Redskins.

Newsflash: Eagles Have Tiny Brains

noreply@blogger.com (Bazooka Jones) — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 20:28:00 +0000

It was discovered today that Donovan McNabb (who is now riding the bench) isn't the only Eagle who doesn't know the rules.

Andy Reid's giant white ass just threw the challenge flag on a free kick following a safety. The ref looked at him like he was retarded, then handed the flag back without an explanation.

Two plays later, after a possible Flacco fumble, stopped forward progress is the call on the, meaning no fumble, and as most NFL fans know, no possibility of a challenge.

Andy Reid says "Fuck it! I just want to challenge something!" But the ref once again says, "You're an idiot. Stop whining."

Also showing his stupidity: Lets bench McNabb, and put in Kevin Kolb at the half, down 3, with all the RB's hurting, in Baltimore.

Thanks, Andy.

Orioles Looking Good in New Threads

noreply@blogger.com (Bazooka Jones) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 20:53:00 +0000

The Orioles unveiled their "new" uniforms yesterday, after reworking the bird logo and putting the word "Baltimore" back on the jerseys for the first time since the old Washington Senators left town.

Adding to the restored ownership of Maryland and ending of the Birds' attempt at gaining fans in DC and Virginia is a new arm patch, similar to what the O's nextdoor neighbor, the Ravens, wear on their sleeves: A cutout of the Maryland flag with the team name bordering the edges.

The new digs were unveiled at a ceremony in the Inner Harbor at the Harborplace Mall, and were modeled by current Outfielders Adam "Bazooka" Jones (Hey! That's me!) and Nick Markakis, Closer George Sherrill, and [Surprise] Ace Jeremy Guthrie, as well as Oriole Legends Boog "BBQ Man" Powell and Hall of Famer Jim Palmer.

The new uni's are sweet, and the O's did it right, unlike the competition for area fans, the Nats, who unveiled some so-so looking new threads and modeled 'em with girls, making it impossible to get a feel for what they will look like.

In short, Let's Go O's, and Let's see some Orioles Magic this year!

Newsflash: Kruk Spoojed a Little

noreply@blogger.com (Bazooka Jones) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 02:24:00 +0000

John Kruk was horrible at hiding his roots during all the Phillies talk, he undoubtedly won't be on the air tonight, since he is eyeball deep in Coors Light.

I'm sure he will have an eventful night out on the town, most likely with dancing!

John Kruk trying out for dancing with the stars.

NOW I'm Wacco for Flacco

noreply@blogger.com (Bazooka Jones) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 15:01:00 +0000

Since I'm in the god damn DC TV Market, while in the state of Maryland, I didn't get my Ravens on TV... again. So I was listening on the radio, thinking- Damn, we have some great plays this week, I'll get to see the highlights.

On SportsCenter: NO Ravens coverage

Give me 2 less minutes of heard Chris Berman stumbling over his lines and providing nothing, and give me all the highlights.

In case you're a Ravens fan and want to see Joe Flacco make a sick catch, and then look studly running the ball, here's a link to the Vid.

NFL Video Galleries: Ravens/Raiders Highlights

Also, at the bottom there are links to the rest of the highlights throughout the league.

Listening to the Ravens game on the radio, I heard the calls of the Troy Smith pass to Flacco and Flacc's 13 yard TD run, but neither looked nearly as good in my head.
This season could end with alotta fun shit to watch.

The Hungover Rant: NFL Coverage

noreply@blogger.com (Bazooka Jones) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:31:00 +0000

ESPN: I wish I could watch you.

This is a fucking travesty. I have been clicking away from and back to ESPN all day since I got back from class. So far I've seen Rays stuff (I'm on the bandwagon, I'm down) and endless coverage of the god damn Cowboys.

I honestly havent seen highlights of A SINGLE NFL GAME other than the Dallas beatdown. Yes it was a surprising win for the Rams. Yes they won by a lot. Yes everyone expects them to do great.

I still don't need to know how many shits Jerry Jones took yesterday, because that's all they have left to talk about in conjunction with the Cowgirls.

So just in case you've been watching "The Leader" here are some NFL storylines from yesterday:

-RAVENS won, moving to 3-3 on the season, after taming the Wildcat and holding Ronnie Brown to 78 rushing yards. I came into what really is a rebuilding year expecting a maximum of 5 wins, so I'm happy as shit about how it's gone so far. Take away a BS roughing the passer penalty in the Titans game and we win that one (would be 4-2), and that Steelers game just slipped between our fingers. I'm excited to see how the year turns out, I'm not quite Wacko for Flacco yet, but I am impressed.

-Skins held on against the rejuvinated Browns. The Brownies looked awful early on, both in the season and in this game, but they started to find it at the end, and are looking more like themselves from last year. Jason Campbell is a monster though. He hasn't even thrown a pick yet this year while throwing for 1400+ yards and 7 TD's. The Skin's have one of the best RB's around in Portis and a plethora of fast, reliable receivers. Jeffy, your team is lookin legit.

-Titans rushed for over 300 yards and 4 TD's. Luckily the team I had LenDale White benched on, I had Johnson start and won the matchup. Chris Johnson doesn't get much pub, possibly because he gives up goal line carries to White, but he's my pick for R.O.Y. The ECU Alum has 117 touches for 622 yards (5.3 avg) and 4 TD's in 6 games, and the Titans aren't gonna stop running.

-Carolina spanks the Saints while Brees lays an egg.

-Buffalo holds LT to 41 yards en route to another win and a 5-1 record. I'm picking 'em to lose in the Super Bowl, just because it'd be crazy to see em get there, and we know they can't win that game, since they are the Bills.

-Chicago, led by Neckbeard, wins a wild one against the Vikes. As usual, AP is the only thing in purple and gold worth paying attention to.

-The Lions are just awful. With Roy Williams gone all the have is Calvin Johnson, who had 154 receiving yards, but the Lions fell to 0-6 as the Texans eek one out.

-JaMarcus Russell passed for more yards than Favre, and Jankowski hit an overtime 57 yarder to propel the Cable Guy led Raiders over the N.Y. Bretts.

-Packers have a legit D, housing 2 Peyton picks on their way to a route.

-Plaxico scores after his vacation on the way to a Giants win over the Niners.

-Steelers move to 5-1 without Parker in the lineup again. The 0-7 Bungals can look on the bright side at least... They haven't had anyone arrested in a couple months.

-Seattle continues to struggle as they have a Hasselbeck fill in throw for less than 90 yards for a second straight week against a stingy Buccaneers D. Highlight of the game was hearing the "Boston Sucks" chant from the TB crowd.

-The Broncos and Pats hook up on Monday night, with the Broncs favored by 2.5 on the road. Not sure what I'm doing during the game, but if you're sitting by a computer I suggest checking out the Awful Announcing live-blog, which is always a good time.

Good Luck being able to watch ESPN, they showed highlights of about 4 other games, then did a preview of tonight, and we're back in Dallas now... Yay.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:28:00 +0000

Wang Urinates Everywhere

noreply@blogger.com (Bazooka Jones) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:18:00 +0000

[Click to make larger]

I looked at the ESPN homepage a few minutes ago, and this is what I found. Awesome.
The only thing that confuses me is that I have no idea why The Leader's headline writer would fail to mention the guy's name in the link; that person needs to have more fun with their job.

I really need to find video of this though. It's like something out of a stoner comedy.

First off, I know table tennis is big in China, but "Celebrity"! Really?!
Secondly, I love how the guy has an Ocho Cinco/TO complex and is arrogant as hell... As a table tennis "Star".

"I am the famous Wang Hao! I am the world champion! Does it matter if I beat you?"

Apparently beating someone and peeing on them/their place are the same thing.

Thanks for providing the Breaking News, ESPN.

Bored @ Work.

noreply@blogger.com (Bazooka Jones) — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:56:00 +0000

Sorry I haven't been posting...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 14:56:00 +0000

...but I'm too busy dancing on this

Email to Steinz

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 11:53:00 +0000

An email from my sent box to Steinz in regards to the CP v. B-Mitch thing

This email sort of took on a life of its own so I
~~may~~ am now making it a post on the
blog.
...anyway I was just as white, ahem, confused as you at some points but
here are some things that I think I understand.
--"And when Portis said "This
is what I'm gonna tell you about Portis: Portis pocket's straight, my man, my
pocket's gonna stay straight," well, I had no idea what he meant. Still don't.
Sorry."
I think he is saying that he has adequete financial resources...I
think.
--Also, way to use the word a day Calendar Portis. Seditty is now in
my 25 cent word bank.
--"I ain't found nobody in this city that's gonna
praise me," he began. "They're gonna hold me in the fire and everything. I don't
mind going into the fire, I don't mind burning, because when I come out I'm gonna throw some water on me and I'm gonna cool everybody off. I don't never pay
attention to that."
I first came at this looking for allusion. Is this an
allusion to Dante's inferno? What would his particular punishment be? Is it
instead just a direct allusion to the nebulous 'hell' broached in the Bible?
No.
Then I came at it from an existential perspective. Doesn't
Portis know that you can't simply splash water on a burned object and make it
unburned? Is he trying to tell the pundits, bloggers, talkers, etc. that the
slings and arrows they fire his way are doing damage that can't be
undone?
Perhaps.

Fin

In the words of Bill Simmons "I feel like you need to know this"

NFL Peacocks

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 11:53:00 +0000

I’m convinced that if Washinton D.C. and Milwaukee were actually located next door to one another in central America Steve Czaban would end up being a controversial dictator. Everything Steve Czaban says causes me to either to shout for joy or nash my teeth. Maybe it is just me but he might be the biggest example of “the guy who is totally right or totally wrong 100% of the time”

In this case he is the former and not the latter.

I'm so done with.... rampant "Peacocking" of NFL players after routine plays. I'm all about a funny little dance in the endzone. In fact, the NFL should have two big squares in the endzone where the sell the ad space. You score a TD and it means you dance in that square with as many friends, family, teammates, cheerleaders as you can fit. For 10 seconds. Then, sit down. As for every other dance, gyration, pantomime or chest pound between the goal lines? 15 yard penalty.

That would be frickin’ awesome. I’m absolutely in favor of this.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:39:00 +0000

Turrible

Quote of the Week

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:00:00 +0000

This one doesn't need a lot of explanation...

From Cooley's blog

All apologies from the website. We are very sorry that we showed a
penis on our website all day yesterday. That was by no means our intention
and we did not want to offend anyone. The picture wouldn't have been up
for so long, but we were in the middle of winning a big game. Once again,
this was a complete accident and we regret not reviewing the post more closely.
Thanks.

Nicely done.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 16:06:00 +0000

Eagles Fans: eat your heart out.

Zorn Fighter!

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:49:00 +0000

If you like '90s video games and gigantic wastes of time this post is for you. Today I was checking out Matt Terl's "The Redskins Blog" and I noticed this highly photoshopable picture of Monsieur Zorn.

I probably should have let Bazooka Jones handle this but I did some remarkably ~~awesome~~ poopy MSPaints with the amazing image I found here.

This is Awesome

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 02:49:00 +0000

An amazing look at the old school.

I can't stop reading this stuff.

I hope the link works but check out The Brownsville Bum and Football's Muzzled Masses if it doesn't take you directly to them.

Awesome Weekend!!!11!!11!

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 22:17:00 +0000

So, ~~this weekend~~ the time that has elapsed since Thursday has been orgasmic.

Yay!

Whooppee!

All kidding aside though, there was one bright spot in this jungle of suck.

Ta Da!

I don't want to get overly excited for this--chances are this beer is only going to be a poor man's Sierra Nevada (which coincidentally is a poor man's Dogfish Head)--but I would absolutely love it if this beer became the Fischer-Price of craft beers and got more people into drinking beer that doesn't taste like watered down aftershave.

The beer comes out on September 29. I'll be picking up a six pack as soon as I can and I'll let you know what I think once I try it...

Cheers!

Remember the 7th Floor Crew?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:51:00 +0000

...If not check this link out for a transcript. (Lyrics are very vulgar and probably not safe for work)

Now that your memory is jogged check out this interesting article about the 7th floor crew.

Communism, Jim Bowden, Goal Setting and Job Security

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 12:51:00 +0000

The Nationals are hurting.

But, alas, everybody hurts (sometimes). In fact any Major League Baseball franchise that spends time not hurting is accomplishing quite a bit--besides the Franchise that rhyme with Bankees of course.

After all, Major League Baseball was never meant to be fair. Unlike Major League Baseballs’ parity-obsessed, communist cousin the NFL, baseball teams fight it out like real men do—unfairly! A few rich teams in the northeast use their money to bully the unlucky suckers everywhere else—and we’re all better for it. ( I think)

Baseball’s post season is familiar. You start with a few lucky teams that are just happy to be there, then add a few teams that will only be happy when they cash their World Series bonus checks--and Voila!—the MLB déjà vu is complete.

You see, in baseball, there are not many teams that are truly playing for a championship. In baseball there are only four teams in each league that even make the playoffs. In the NFL 12 teams have a shot and in the NBA there are more teams in the playoffs than there are out!

The fact that the bourgeoisie and the proletariat of pro baseball dwell so far apart creates a completely different competitive landscape than fans of football and basketball (the Marxist sports) are accustomed to. In the NFL, it is close to a sure bet that in a span of 3 years all 32 teams will have played in at least one playoff game. In the NBA, the majority of the league makes it to the playoffs every year!

Which is why, in the NBA and the NFL there are teams that are not championship contenders who still are considered successful. Teams, like my beloved Washington Wizards, are not even trying to win a championship. Rather, they are putting together an entertaining cast of 2nd tier talent to keep their revenue flowing in. If the Wizards solely desired to win a championship, they would trade the players they have now for draft picks and young talent and start again.

Like a baseball team.

But, as usual, I digress from my point. The point is, Jim Bowden should have job security.

Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t.

He doesn’t have job security for the same reason you ate a cold-in-the-center hotpocket for lunch yesterday. People are impatient.

Lets look at Jim’s job. The Nationals were a team with no prospects—all traded away when the Expos thought they were going to be contracted—that had a few bloated corpses of veteran players that could probably be useful on other teams. Bowden’s job was to trade away whatever he could of the old talent (Livan Hernandez et. al) while simultaneously building a core of young talent. Although he has had a few missteps, Bowden has accomplished exactly that.

Bowden’s time in Washington has been wildly successful if you view the team realistically. Keep in mind it was never his job to create a World Series contender in 2008 (or 2009 for that matter). Since the team has been in DC, the Nats have cobbled together a core of young talent that could be the crux of a World Series team. They stole Lastings Milledge for pennies on the dollar from the Mets. They took a chance that looks like it might pay off on Elijah Dukes. They locked up a star third baseman for years to come in Ryan Zimmerman. They have a great looking young catcher in Jesus Flores. Not to mention, John Lannan & co. could be a formidable rotation if given some time to jell.

Sure, the team is likely to lose 100 games this year. Sure, Chad Cordero is going to be in traction for the next two years. Sure, Bowden overpaid for Dmitri “20,000 calories a day” Young. Sure, [insert depressing fact here]…

But guess what? Losses, injuries and fat guys are a part of the game. Look it up if you don’t believe me. Two years ago the Tampa Bay ~~Devil~~ Rays were the doormat of the AL East. Now, with a little cajoling they are in first place in baseball’s most competitive division. And they’re not alone. Remember the 2003 Detroit Tigers? They were making a push to have the worst record in the history of baseball. Guess where they were three years later?

The World Series.

See, maybe Bow' does know baseball.

So Nationals fans, buck up. If it makes you feel any better start a savings account and put ten bucks in it every month. I bet by 2011 you’ll have enough to buy tickets to see the Nats in the October Classic.

The Link Boy Is Back (You Know He Never Smoked Crack)

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 13:50:00 +0000

This has happened to me before. [Food Court Lunch]

Frank Beamer has a stroke, remains in critical condition [CNN]

I keed I keed!

Supposedly Suisham doesn't suck [Mr. I]

Jerry Coleman is back! [Redskins Insider]

Sports Make You Smart [Deuce]

VT

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff V) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 14:16:00 +0000

By the way. If I never hear the words "Beamer Ball" again that will be OK.