Kaby - It's All Good

It's a new dawn - it's a new day

2012-08-14T09:52:00.000+10:00

April 24, 2014.................... I stopped posting to this blog because something I wrote offended someone. In a fit of doormat-itis, I stopped posting. People have asked me to make this available again, so I am.

But.......... my more recent thoughts - with a different theme - continue to be posted on my newer blog. Feel free to read.

https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=9175926516936641683#overview/src=dashboard

I feel I have to close this off with a song - no-one does it better than Nina - it's a new dawn, it's a new day......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Y11hwjMNs

did someone say 'massage'?

2012-08-12T16:19:00.001+10:00

For the first time in at least ten years, I've done something mischievous to my back. I blame Coles and those ridiculously huge trolleys they have (the ones you HAVE to use when you don't have a gold coin for the sensibly sized one). I was running at 500mph yesterday doing Dad's groceries, organising the party stuff for their anniversary. I had an hour - surely that was enough......

Now these trolleys must be designed for families of ten or so - the fact is that you could probably fit the entire family of ten or so IN the trolley. Anyway, I experienced really sharp pain getting the last few little things out of the far corner - not good. Moving too fast, not taking enough care - my own fault.

Little twinge grew over the next several hours to last night when my back went into full spasm - could not move. This happened once before, so at least I was telling myself that I probably won't die (because I didn't last time in spite of my absolutely certainty that I would, or at least be paralysed forever :-))

So, the heat therapy started - I roasted myself to medium rare overnight with the electric blanket. Today, I could walk as far as the loo (thank goodness - that could have been awkward), then after a few hours determined to go and buy a hot water bottle. I went to Woolies this time (finally learning where the good trolleys are) and, of course, the hotties were on a fixture as far from the front door as possible. In agony, I hobbled over - ever so slowly. There on the very bottom shelf - about 5cm from the floor was the last remaining hot water bottle. How on earth could I bend down that far given my back? No-one helpful looking in sight, so with a combination of my toes lifting it up to about knee height for my hand to finally reach - and a couple of attempts - I got it. Yay! Must have looked hilarious.

Had to go straight home because the pain was amazing. Have been lying on hottie since then - stopping only every two hours to replace the water inside and get a drink.

What I would do for a massage - or even better if my old chiropractor suddenly knocked on my front door. Of course, it would take me ten minutes to answer the knock........

Total Cost of Ownership

2012-08-10T23:11:00.002+10:00

See, I'm really a business nerd!!!!

I've been driving for 30 years and have never had a speeding ticket. My friends hate this. But, hey, I don't drive a lot of kilometres a year but I've always said I've just been lucky and promised than when I eventually do get a ticket, I will just spread the cost over those 30 years and consider myself damned lucky. (Alright, I still want to escape with NO speeding - or parking [did I mention that?] tickets).

So, tonight as the fearless Jack Russell Terrier drools bloody saliva over my very expensive bed linen, I am choosing to apply the same thinking.

Sunny is 10.5 years old - actually more like 10.54 - 10.62 or so - ridiculously old, I tell him a lot and the only time he has been to the vet OTHER then his normal stuff was once when on one of the few occasions I went away for a few days and left him with my parents, he decided to lick a cane toad and I had to rush home and get him treated.

So, I always said, whenever I have to spend big on him, I'd apportion it across his life.

Today was the day - today I invested $80 per year... Yes, indeedy, in spite of a wonderful discount from his vet - go PetMania at Albany Creek, hopefully because we've been there since the day they opened - I spent nearly $800 on him today. The day we got him from friends at four months old we saw his underbite - his dentition. It's caught up with us - his teeth cleaning and scaling and one extraction got much bigger - the poor baby.

He'll be fighting fit tomorrow,I know - THEN I can wash the sheets.

crappy? yes good? yes

2012-08-09T22:06:00.000+10:00

It's been a crappy few days in terms of love with the b/f. We'll work it out, we always do, but I've been feeling low tonight. This has been exacerbated by the emotions coming from today being my parents' 60th wedding anniversary. Without going through it all, I visited Dad and once again heard all the stories about their early years and the joy of my two brothers' arrival. I cocked my head as I realised that I never heard stories about my arrival. The visit finished with my Dad telling me he loved me - this is unusual. Mum and I always hug and say this - Dad not so much.

I came home and emailed my brothers just saying that I again heard great stories of the joy they brought and how I had no stories about me - whether I made any difference to their lives. Both my brothers not just returned emails, but phoned me - quite late - to tell me of their memories at 6 and 4. Both finished with 'I love you'. While we always know know that, neither says it very often.

So...... I need to sort out my b/f around these crappy few days. But my Dad and two brothers told me today they loved me. That's pretty nice. Thanks, boys.......

Sydney - the Marcia Brady of Australian cities?

2012-08-02T20:44:00.000+10:00

I was lucky enough to have a day and a couple of nights in Sydney this week. I've always been a little ho-hum about Australia's largest city. I realised it's been seven years since I've been there - and that was for work, and in a suburb, so it was a few years before that when I actually got to see some prettiness in Sydney.

I had a couple of spare hours yesterday so went for two ferry rides across the harbour, a walk around Bennelong Point, etc. It was really lovely, but I realise what it is about Sydney that makes me uneasy - she's Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. You know what I mean? The ever-so-secure older sister, blessed with nature's good looks and pandered to by her parents. As if the harbour isn't pretty-girl enough, her parents sent her in for cosmetic surgery and out she came with two rather large icons (no, don't be naughty), I mean the two most iconic Australian images with the harbour bridge and the opera house. She reminds me of those vapid girls you see now who started off pretty but decided they needed more - boobs, rhinoplasty, fake tan, botox.

That's how I see Sydney. Now Melbourne, which IS my favourite Australian capital (I've only visited 5) - well, she's the smarter, younger sister - she eschews fake tan and botox, puts on her duffel coat, her black boots, her smart-girl glasses and goes to uni - to show she is different, smarter, better.

Brisbane - where I live - well, she's the middle daughter - the one who always seeks attention and says 'hey, I'm here, I'm here' as she jumps up and down. She tries everything her sisters try and says she does it better, but is so focused on doing what they do, but better, that she forgets to just be herself.

Adelaide - she's the pious one, thinking everyone else is a little naughty. Canberra - she doesn't understand why no-one likes her. She has planned everything down to the finest detail, invited all the right guests to the party but really scratches her head about why people don't like her - she did everything right (whining voice).

Tell me about the other capitals I have yet to visit, please.

In the meantime, here's my attempt to show images of some of Sydney's icons that are so over-photographed, we're sick of looking at her - sorry Marcia - but we know you're pretty, let's look at you in other ways.

isn't life just a collection of communing moments?

2012-07-27T20:22:00.000+10:00

I think all humans seek opportunities for moments of communion. Opportunities where we gaze into another's soul and say 'yes, I see what you see' or 'I hear what you hear' or 'I feel what you feel'. When you live in chaos, as I think most of us do, we seek it more. We try to find these moments of purity that help us deal with a life of uncertainty and disquiet.

Some people, I believe, are fortunate to find a life partner where this synchronicity happens frequently. I think I've met a few couples like that. But I think most of us struggle to find enough. And I think the luckiest of us are those who recognise those absolutely gorgeous moments and take a moment to cherish them. Real synchronicity happens when both - or perhaps all - recognise this rare moment.

My colleague - the one who sits closest to me - has been on leave for a month. She and I are of similar age, obviously do similar work, but have vastly different lives, histories, experiences, especially recent experiences. But we respect each other, and because of work situations and her own recent tragedies, have had opportunities to forge what we both think are good friendship bonds.

A week before she left for her trip to Northern Europe, we discovered we both had a passion for the same novelist. We both particularly loved a series of novels, the first set in what is now St Petersburg, commencing in 1939. This author transported us both, separately, into the horrors of The Siege of Leningrad - and onwards.

This discussion about the book five weeks ago was enough in itself - to have a discussion where you both lived a common emotion. At that time, she borrowed this novel again, telling me she would read as she sailed up the Baltic.

We spoke today on the phone the day before she returns to work, and she described the city of St Petersburg and the feeling she had as she sat in a park there, underneath a statue of Peter the Great during a white night in a northern European summer and re-read the last chapter of this novel.

It was a beautiful moment of human sharing of what essentially is an emotionally intimate moment, sharing the beauty of nature, the beauty of man, the beauty of evocative words that pull on us as humans and bind us together into a sense of commonality, of sharing, of depth and of perspective.

We both sat there at each end of a phone connection and just breathed a couple of breaths together.

These are the moments that make me a true believer in a grand design for our lives; and a further commitment that my life's mission is the accumulation of beautiful moments of communion - and of sharing these.

a joy rediscovered - and a new author

2012-07-23T20:28:00.000+10:00

When I was studying, I really resented being unable to read for joy. I took thirteen weeks off last year and enjoyed maybe 15 books in that time, but then had to hit the boring words, again. Nasty lack of pleasure.

But no more. As I mentioned a while ago, I finally decided that embracing e-books did not mean I had to relinquish 'real' books. I had this idea that it was one or the other - silly me. So, I accepted and embraced the convenience - and yes, cost - of e-books a few weeks ago. But the one, then four, then eight icons in my e-library looked pathetic so I went to amazon.com again. Amongst the few I just bought was a new book by Anna Funder, All That I Am. A few people recommended her. I'm five chapters or so in - very promising so far. But this woman has far too many qualifications - haha. Check her out: http://annafunder.com/

time for something refreshing

2012-07-23T19:53:00.000+10:00

I've been in my house a little over five years - and chose it because there was no work to be done. After years of renovating, I chose a house that needed nothing.

So, since then I've painted and repainted, new lights, new floors, new window treatments, new appliances, new hot water system, additional air conditioning, additional insulation, additional this, additional that - welcome to my world of non-renovation. Hahaha.

My ensuite has always annoyed and pleased me. It is the world's smallest but efficient and close to the bed, etc...... In five years, I have repainted twice, new window treatments, new lighting, new taps, towel rails, etc, etc. Still not happy, Jan.

So, I THINK I've decided to treat myself to a refresh - not a huge renovation - the placement of the plumbing is the only way it can work, no extensions, etc, but new tiles, new vanity, loo, fittings, mirrors, rails, lighting, heating, etc. The good thing about a small ensuite is when the tile shop says $80 per square metre vs $50, it's only a few extra hundred.

Think this might be my treat for three fortnights' time.

indulgence?

2012-07-21T17:49:00.000+10:00

On 5 September, I will pay my last mortgage payment on my house. When my husband and I finalised our property settlement in 1998, because of decisions I made, I left with just $60K which represented eighteen years of work. Ugh! But I turned that around and will, in 3.2 fortnights, own a pretty cool house in a pretty cool suburb in a country with very expensive real estate.

My friends have asked me what next - I've said savings, travel, savings, travel, savings, travel...... One friend suggested I take just one fortnight's mortgage payment and NOT save it, but spend it on myself. OMG. I had no idea what she was talking about - just on me? How bloody wasteful. But this was weeks ago - I'm warming to the idea - maybe mostly because I have never, never done it. What do you think? Should I?

I promised myself a diamond for finishing study. Mmmmm - maybe I should.

humanity

2012-07-21T15:35:00.001+10:00

I read, yet again, about a disenfranchised person who decides to indiscriminately kill and injure people - strangers - this time at a movie premiere. Twelve lives lost, dozens injured, hundred of lives affected.

I read, yet again, of 300 people the same day killed in Syria - again, by their own people. The ripple effects are incomprehensible.

The last data source I can find (2000) suggests half a million people are murdered every year. I don't know if this includes counts of 'war' - as though that is somehow different I suspect not, but f.i.v.e.h.u.n.d.r.e.d.t.h.o.u.s.a.n.d. people.

Five hundred thousand people killed because someone else wanted them dead. Five hundred thousand...... one million people who made babies lose them.

Mind blowing. I can't cope with this, so I've decided, as is often the case, to reframe - to give you today's lovely media stories and just some other nice things about the world - to help us all keep perspective - to bring some light.

An eight year old Adelaide girl playing violin had her photo posted on Youtube and attracted twelve million hits. Twelve million! She brought joy to twelve million! Bravo!

http://www.news.com.au/national/michelle-robinsons-rundle-mall-busker-photo-achieves-global-attention/story-fndo4dzn-1226430839592

A three year old boy who disappeared after playing with his brothers in Colombia was found a day later, safe but exhausted, in a sewer (I still wonder what their parents said to the other children).

http://www.news.com.au/world/toddler-found-in-sewer-after-going-missing/story-fndir2ev-1226430561785

Four clivias bloomed in my garden today - and, as I type, three parrots are dining outside my living room - sustaining themselves on grevillea blossoms.

7,054,754,053 people live on Earth as at 3.12.59 AEST today. That means that 7,054,754,053 were NOT murdered today.

http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/

The same data suggests the 231,305 babies have been born today. We only need a few of these to influence human culture. Just a few. Of course, making the media less lazy is much more difficult.............

Reframe! Reframe! Reframe!

while I'm sharing about my stupidity.......

2012-07-18T20:59:00.002+10:00

The two people who read my blog know I'm not into football, but because I have three lovely men who moved to Melbourne, all as adults, but who, it seems, could not repel the AFL bug that seems to attack each person as they stake a claim as Melburnians, I have had to learn a little.

I am extraordinarily proud that when I went to watch a match ten days ago, I didn't have to ask - yet again - how the rules work. Yes, I rock, I thought.

Far too soon, it seems. On the news on the weekend was the story of Chris Judd who, even I know, is a well-respected captain of Carlton (that's about all I know - stop laughing) who executed a chicken wing tackle, which, apparently, is a very bad thing - sorry honey, that should be Very Bad Thing.

I watched the vision of the poor man to whom he did this Very Bad Thing - I saw the pain in his body as his convulsed at that time - and grimaced - really, really seriously.

It took a couple of days of this to play out on TV news and start to understand it.

Oops - silly Kaby. When I saw the original clip on TV - and because I always have crappy stuff like sport turned way down volume wise, because I'm always multi-tasking somehow, I thought they said - don't laugh too hard - and remember the vision SEEMED to reflect what I thought I heard - instead of 'chicken-wing' tackle, I thought they said 'tickling' tackle. For a couple of days, I thought 'how cute, he pins him down and just tickles the heck out of him - no wonder everyone thought this was unusual'.

As a mother of young men who play AFL, I thought - thank God. In my head, I thought, this is what happens when you leave women - no MOTHERS - in charge of designing sports. Also, anyone who has been the victim of a sustained tickling tackle knows that survival is somwhat perecarious - maybe we're onto something.

It brought back great memories of pinning my boys down and tickling they heck out of them - what a great sport that would be to watch. Well, all the mothers would watch!!!!!

oh God, where is my brain

2012-07-18T20:33:00.001+10:00

I'm still coming to terms with my children being adults - like most people (I think), we continue to redefine our relationships. When I was with them ten days ago, both lent some DVDs they knew I'd like. I 've started watching some but have felt a little guilty about getting them back to them, so finally decided tonight, I would get super-organised (a new state for me) and copy them onto my laptop so I could send the originals back.

Sounds good, right?

Because my lappie (bobbie) is newish, I needed to download some DVD ripping software - gone are the days of spending $100 - right? Took the usual time to look at the products, trying to remember the name of Penombre's, or Bob's, or ROBERT's software, finally downloaded something that seemed easier and safe.

Feeling pretty good but cold, so hauled myself, my lappie, my DVDs, my music into bed under the doona - took some logistics management, let me tell you..............but feeling totally organised for the chore ahead, knowing it would take some time.

So, started ripping the first DVD, went to open the drive.......oh God, I'm so stoopid - I realised weeks ago when I bought him he didn't have a DVD drive.

What a bloody idiot. Great intentions, poor implementation.

woohoo!

2012-07-15T20:08:00.002+10:00

Add caption

I just checked my uni's site - all my results are in! I am eligible to graduate soon with a Master of Arts (Leadership). Cool, cool, cool. I knew six weeks ago I had done it, but somehow seeing it on a website makes it official. Now it's all paperwork. What a year!!!

Now, honey, where the heck are my flowers and champagne??????

no shortcuts to longevity

2012-07-15T19:40:00.000+10:00

I had a mellow weekend. Being in Melbourne last weekend with two of my loved ones, followed by a draining, horrid week with The Preacher, this weekend was a time to recoup. I did all my parents' errands, all my housework, even two hours of ironing. So virtuous.

I was witness to a lovely interaction today. Normally I visit my Mum alone on the weekend, but today I took Dad. When I walked into the room where she was, she had that lovely look on her face as she recognised me - you know the look I mean? The one that tells you are loved, when so often in life, you forget that. She opened her arms immediately and we had a big hug. That was nice enough in itself, but then she saw Dad a few paces behind me - and there it was - the two of them beamed at each other. Dad sat down next to her and started to talk - as he does - A LOT - but the two chatted for an hour about their early marriage. During this Dad told Mum how much he appreciated all the sacrifices she made for him in their early marriage. How sweet.

I learned a month or so ago that the Queen sends a message to all people in the Commonwealth who have their 60th wedding anniversary. I told Dad and he seemed kind of chuffed. He told Mum today that this will arrive in the next few weeks. She seemed pleased. As we walked back out to the car, he told me that he planned to take this letter up to Mum and show it, then take it home and put it on the wall. I suggested we could copy it, frame it and put it on both their walls. He hadn't even thought this was possible.

Poor Dad! He's still lives in 1952 a lot. But today they both lived there for an hour together - and they loved it!

I'll never know what it is like to be with someone for 60 years - I envy them.

I love Melbourne

2012-07-12T17:58:00.001+10:00

I just spent the weekend in Melbourne and came home exhausted, as always. I spent all the time with my sons, except for an hour when I ducked out with the camera to a market. Unlike most women I know, I came home from Melbourne with not one fashion item or anything bought for myself. I know, I'm freaky, hey! Here's the vibe of the market:

I love flowers. When I marry Christian Grey (my female readers will know who I mean), I will have fresh flowers given to me every single day.

Love the colours and sheen of these.

IO adote

These women are beautiful to me.

Love the colours of these......

Then there was the football at Docklands. I wanted to try my new lens - considering this was taken from about 20 kms away - not too shabby, hey? It was my son's team vs the lovely S's team... Mmmmmmm, whom to cheer for? The Saints beat Essendon very convincingly. Sorry, honey.

awwwwwwww

2012-06-24T19:50:00.001+10:00

I always knew I wanted to come in my next life as an otter. Here's another reason.

a good article about my life

2012-06-23T14:03:00.003+10:00

Bernard Salt has to have one of the best jobs - and he's definitely becoming Australia's favourite sociologist. I'm not sure if he even has quals in that area. But in today's The Australian was a fabulous article he wrote about me:

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/life/prestige-property/trapped-in-lifes-sandwich/story-fnddauaj-1226401454126

next Asian break

2012-06-18T21:38:00.001+10:00

I'm planning my next two week break - again, I'm thinking Asia. While I really want to go to Viet Nam, for this break, I think I'll keep it simple. I'm thinking a week each in Siam Riep in Cambodia (Angkor Wat) and a week around Kochi in the Indian Kerala region.

Tell me what you think - especially if you've been to both/either.

beautiful talent

2012-06-16T21:07:00.002+10:00

I just watched one of my favourite actors in a movie - Meryl Streep in Julie and Julia. Is there any role this woman cannot play? It was a fine movie but, as always, when Meryl plays a person we know, she does an absolutely superb job.

It was evident she (Julia) and her husband Paul had a deep, loving relationship and that warms my heart. Best quote from Paul to Julia: "You are the butter to my bread, the breath to my life." Yum. Wonder if someone will whisper that in my ear one day..........

fruitloop radar

2012-06-15T22:02:00.002+10:00

I alluded to a fruitloop in my last post - someone who seriously concerned me on a number of levels. Now it's almost two days since the last thing, I am feeling much safer, and can share this with two people who care about me - as well as other people who care, or might just find this interesting.

About ten days ago, in my search to find things to keep me occupied post-study, I was chatting online with a guy about our shared interest - photography. He offered that he used to be a professional photographer before I said I enjoyed the hobby. Let me say that I am NOT Gumby. Within two days of chatting, I was thinking how keen he was to share his experiences, but a tiny bristle of concern wrinkled my brow. He only had this chat site and my mobile number - no name, no commitment, no addresses - I am reasonably smart (honestly, D, I am). Just a chat address and a mobile number. Within three days, I was a teensy bit more concerned - so read the riot act. He behaved for a few more days. Then, it started - the bombardment - dozens of texts per day and an equal number of missed calls - would also come home to dozens of messages from this very sad person.

I'm reasonably aware of mental health issues and the need to take them seriously, so confirmed planned tactics with not one, but two psychologist friends. Onwards, I proceeded. It kept escalating - and the tone moved from excitement to love to betrayal to threatening suicide. This was full on. I again checked with my psychs - totally consistent with my approach.

On Wednesday night when I finally communicated for the last time and reminded him of the reality - oh my goodness. My phone started ringing - he didn't stop. I finally turned it to silent. Checked it 30 minutes later - 28 missed calls and 10 texts. An hour later - 43 calls and another 10 texts. The chat site had similar numbers.

The next morning (9 hours later) 182 missed calls and dozens of texts. The texts deteriorated - the last twenty or so were about him about to commit suicide because I have hurt him so much. Now, remember all I know about this person is his first name, a chat address and a mobile number. Who do I tell? How do I take this seriously?

Yesterday at work - about ten texts and the same number of missed calls. Checking the chat site last night - I got about a dozen messages threatening to tell my friends about the vixen I apparently am.

Today? Nothing. Sweet purity of silence - nothing. I checked the news sites, in case. I promise I did nothing to encourage this - we chatted about apertures and f-stops - a little about children and travel. I, honestly, as someone who understands depression and anxiety and has empathy for mental health issues, think I understand about things like obsessions, etc. But as some hapless person who was discussing long exposures in poor light..........I am gobsmacked about the impact.

And very thankful for mobile phone numbers and the anonymity this modern world often offers.

Please let this be the end of this. Please let some reality have occurred to him.

thank you

2012-06-14T19:59:00.000+10:00

I truly believe that life - and your deity if you believe in one - throws you just what you need, when you need it.

It's no secret I've had a rough couple of weeks - and especially a rough couple of days. It's made me question a lot of things fundamental to my perception of happiness lately. Tonight I was saying hello for two minutes to a lovely online friend (one I wrote about in April - my month of LERV) and told him about this fruitloop who's been stalking me the last few days and how unsettled I feel. In amongst my angst about the fruitloop, my friend D told me that he was the anonymous commenter on my recent post about finishing study (31/5) and feeling unloved because no-one paid any attention.... How lovely - I thought it was someone else entirely, but it was lovely, D. Thank you - just knowing this lovely comment is from you has eased the emotional crash of the last few days. Lilly wished me well, and now you have about this.

Breathing normally now.

Friends - 2 Fruitloops - 0.

real men DO eat quiche

2012-06-11T19:58:00.002+10:00

I had a couple of friends over for lunch today. No, unlike Hannibal Lecter, I did NOT have an old friend for dinner - with a nice chianti and some f-f-f-fava beans....... While I love, love, love to cook for people, living alone is not very conducive to creative culinary delights. So I don't cook often enough - maybe now I've finished studying, I'll get really social again.

I made some quiches - spinach and marinated fetta in one and a bacon and mushroom one - all complemented by a yummy salad - even if I say so, myself.

A couple of nice things - my friends (who hadn't been to my home before) complimented me on my decorating, my photos, my art, etc - and LOVED my lunch. S loved my quiches so much, he took the remaining ones home for dinner.

Fabulous conversation - great way to spend a public holiday.

How nice to be appreciated.

This is funny

2012-06-09T21:03:00.000+10:00

I heard about this meme a few weeks ago but was too busy to track it down til now. The reason I like this is that Hillary herself bought into it and added some responses. I saw her on some late night TV show when she was in Australia - and she was so cool - took the mickey out of herself....

Priceless. Why are Australian politicians so serious? My God - lighten up people. Let us see your human side - we might want to vote for you.

http://textsfromhillaryclinton.tumblr.com/page/4

man!!!!

2012-06-09T20:33:00.000+10:00

This is the raw material I have to work with....... The Lord Sunny two minutes ago - I'm here trying to have an adult conversation and this is what I'm greeted with. Sheesh - it's not THAT cold, dog...

Here are some more awake things from my Dad's front garden last week, after a shower of rain.....

today's psychological epiphany

2012-06-08T18:20:00.001+10:00

I have been especially lonely lately, really heightened by me finishing study last Thursday and the anti-climax I described. The lovely S has been overseas so this hasn't helped. I should have planned this crash better - I should know me by now - but maybe the thinking I've been doing during this crash has been worthwhile. I think I know a bit more about myself because of it. So, as this blog is my catharsis, it's probably time to catharsise.......

I've been thinking about my history of relationships - I'm only talking about the romantic ones. Even I think I'm pretty okay at the other relationships in my life, but I don't know why the vision I had for my life sometime in my youth is absolutely shattered.

I've known for a couple of years that the men with whom I chose to share my life in my early-mid adulthood had some things in common. I also realised that the ones I loved, I loved mostly because they loved me - and they needed me. I remember at 19 when I met my husband, I was flattered because even then I was pretty sure that I was unlovable. I knew I was an unusual person - I was the smart teacher's pet at school - never a good start to get along with others. And, even then, it was obvious I didn't tolerate fools gladly. I wasn't into silly girly games, silly boy games, footy, car racing, girl shopping, gossipping - anything normal. A real misfit.

But T, the guy I would later marry seemed to 'get' me - that's what I thought at the time. Hindsight proved how wrong I was. But the person I was for the next 18 years was not me. I absolutely felt that I was acting the entire time. I was playing the role of the wife - the only real role I played was as a mother. T needed me - I know I made his life better - he loved me and that was enough to make me love him.

In amongst the less serious relationships after that were two biggies where the L word was used. Again, both of these needed me. Both were wounded birds - confused, hurt, needing direction. Silly kaby.....They said they loved me and needed me - I know I loved them because they loved me. But I wasn't acting a role any more - the real me knew almost as soon as the L word escaped my lips that it wasn't where I wanted to be. Too late - big decisions had been made - some VERY big - I felt just as trapped as before - just as hard to escape.

So I took some more time to get to know myself better not trusting myself to make romantic decisions again.

I made sure I never again fell for a guy who needed me. I was absolutely determined this would never happen again. But in reviewing my relationships over the last 3-4 years and, importantly, the potential relationships I have rejected in that time, well it's bleeding obvious, as they say. I've gone right to the other end of the continuum and chosen guys who definitely DON'T need me - yes, it's true, I've become the woman who only commits to elusive men. Elusive in a number of different ways - from connecting with a known gypsy, to choosing emotionally elusive people, and elusive and essentially unavailable for all sorts of other reasons.

I've ignored - no RUN as fast as I can - from any man who seems to offer 'normality'. I've told myself it's because I only relate to complex men. But I have to ask why I have chosen not to give Mr Normal a chance.

I do know, I think, that I no longer need to be loved to love - that I've grown up enough that this isn't a trigger - I think I finally get what love is and it's real. But do I love for the right reason?

But, the epiphany is that I admit I am so into self-sabotage that I choose these essentially elusive men because I am proving to myself what I thought of myself as a child - that I am inherently unlovable. I am trying like mad to prove that little girl right. I say I want this normal happy relationship but my psyche - that deepest inner part of me - still doesn't believe I have value and deserve not to feel invisible.
So, now I have to figure out what to do with this new self-knowledge.