Kandi Coated Thoughts

The thing about love.

2018-05-09T21:14:00.003-04:00

https://pin.it/fmsoi7gzzeztkt What do you think?

Crazy World

2018-05-08T21:49:00.002-04:00

Things have been insanely crazy. Started my new job which brought with it a string of panic attacks. I keep expecting another one to show up at any minute. Also my grown up plan to completely ignore my exes new wife at work, went right out the window when she called my supervisor on my second day because she was "afraid" of what I might do to her. She started sleeping with the guy I was living with, moved in packed my shit, threw me out, and destroyed a 9 year relationship, and she's afraid of what I might do to her.
Then they get married and I find out she's pregnant, like that doesn't add insult to injury. He won't even speak to me. He completely avoids me at all costs. I don't think he will ever fully grasp what he's done to me and how much it's affected me. I have no choice but to move on and try to let it all go and just accept that him and that part of my life is over. I've met someone. This brings a whole new set of challenges. Learning to love again. Learning to be with someone new without letting my past affect my future. I'm not sure where it will go. I'm taking it slow and treading very lightly in this new water. He is completely different from any guy I have ever dated, and I have to get use to that. It's not a bad thing, just different. I find myself completely giddy over him one minute and then crying over my past the next, and the mix of emotions is hard. I wish I could put my feelings to rest and just enjoy the new. I don't want to be unfair to the new guy, but I have to be true to myself and the process I have to go through to heal. It will take time, that's the way life is.
I need to focus less on the past, unfortunately training has brought me back to Morristown which digs up a whole set of memories and emotions on its own. I'll be glad to be done with training, and to be able to focus on work and on achieving some of my other stagnant goals. A new car, paying off bills, finally having my own place to live. I want to unpack my belongings and just be. The blog is therapeutic, ?I'm also going to start reading to help me relax, I'm going to start on the Outlander series. I hope it's as good as the show. It's off to bed for now.

2018-04-10T20:14:00.004-04:00

2018-04-07T19:39:00.002-04:00

Dooms Day

2018-04-07T18:52:00.001-04:00

Today was the day. I counted down to this day as though my world was ending, but here I sit and I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, and nothing has changed. My best friend is still gone, there is no going back, and his fate is forever sealed, so I guess one thing has changed, that door he slammed on me two years ago that I've been staring at as though I could walk through it, is finally solid, locked, and I no longer have a key. Literally he apparently changed the locks on his house, I guess he really didn't trust me. Just goes to show you never actually know someone no matter what you think.

I haven't cried. I haven't cried in two days, I haven't seen him in 4 months, and I haven't cried in two days, that is pathetic progress at its finest. But at least I am learning to let go, and to stop idolizing him, and seeing him for what he truly was. There is no questionable future, the yo yo's been cut, and he will never be the person he was to me. That makes me sad. Because he was a good man in my eyes, he wasn't the type of person to lie to me, or cheat on his girlfriend who he was apparently dating while we were still sleeping together. I didn't know, so I don't blame myself, and I feel sorry for her that it happened, I obviously wouldn't have been with him had I known. But he married her, so I guess she wins? As if that is a situation you want to come out on top from.

Today is a miserably gloomy day, you would never know it was spring outside walking through the cold snowish rain. Hopefully I sleep tonight, and wake up tomorrow and go on with my life. I hope I find my mind filled with thoughts of other things, maybe my writers block, or my artistic block will find a way to lower it's guard. I'm anxious about my new job and the overwhelming responsibilities that come with it, I know I can do it, I have it in me and the money is going to change so many things for me. I can't wait to have my own place to live again. It's been 13 years since I lived "on my own" I'm going to unpack every box I own despite what weird things might be in them, it will be interesting in the least.

I bought a cross stitch kit, I thought what a cute project to keep my mind occupied. But damn it's hard, first of all I didn't realize my eye sight was so bad. I can only hope it actually looks like tinker bell when I'm done. I mean hell I spent five minutes trying to determine was was light grey vs bluish grey and once I gave in to a choice I spent another five minutes trying to thread the needle through. You would think I would be more talented than that, but no such luck. At least it gives me something to concentrate on and wind down to, I've been having no luck with Netflix, I think I went through five movies on my watch list that I watched for 15 minutes then deleted beccause they sucked. Just started season 2 of The Magicians, and I still have season 4 of Vikings to watch, I may go buy the last season of 2 broke girls, that will keep me entertained as well. I've been playing final fantasy about 20 minutes at a time. Don't like it nearly as much as WOW but I can only play WOW at work, because it wont load on this crappy lap top.

Still talking to Zak he seems nice, not like anyone I've ever dated before, but I'm not sure if we'll ever actually get to the dating part, he's crazy busy and has yet to ask me out on an actual date, we just talk everyday, so I guess I'll take that for now. Not really sure I'm ready to start dating, I think I need to cleanse my brain and just be for awhile.

Life is hard, painful, and funny at times, and there is never telling where it's going to take you.

Death Cab for Cutie - "Someday You Will Be Loved" (music video)

2018-04-07T12:20:00.001-04:00

Sarah McLachlan - Fallen (Video)

2018-04-07T11:08:00.001-04:00

I'm so over it

2018-04-05T15:50:00.000-04:00

I am so over being Angry. I wish this feeling of hatred and anger would pass. I know my feelings are completely one sided and that he is living the life he always wanted, and gets to be happy. It's that easy for him, he just gets to be happy and go on with his life, and I get to struggle to let it all go. I'm the one that feels like they've lost something. I've lost my future, my bestfriend, my family, the place I considered home, and I get to start all over alone. I don't have anyone to tell about my new job or how things are finally turning around for me. Soon I will have a new place to live and with that comes the feeling of coming home to an empty house. Of course the dog will be there, but I'll eat dinner alone, and watch tv alone. There won't be any kids running around, no holidays to plan. My happily ever after ended years ago, and I tried to drag it out and trick myself into thinking I could change his mind, but I was just someone to be used until he could find something better. So that's what he gets, he gets his happiness served up on a silver platter. He doesn't have to face these feelings of loss, he has a new best friend, he gets to keep our home, and our family, all he had to do was replace me, and he did that without thinking twice and reassured me that he didn't give a shit about me. I'm never going to hear him say he's sorry, he'll never admit he chose her over me, or that I was ultimately just a rebound he needed to help raise two little kids. I have to work through this on my own, and figure out a way to let it all go, to not let the past have so much power over me. But I'm fucking angry, and I'm hurt, and I'm ashamed that I let him do this to me, and I'm ashamed that he has this much control over my feelings, it's embarrassing. And I don't want to talk about it, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, and I'm tired of my friends feeling sorry for me. I just want to fast forward a year where everything is better and these feelings are finally gone, and I've finally moved on to a better place. I deserve to be happy, and to be loved, and no it's not as easy for me to just replace people, I've never worked that way, and I can't just cut the past out of my life, and I can't just cut the kids off even though they are a painful reminder of what will never be. It's completely unfair, and I want to send bad energy his way, but I'm not that person. I don't want anyone to suffer, no matter what they've done or made me feel. I just want it all to stop.

When I think back on us

2018-04-02T16:10:00.001-04:00

When I think back on us, I think about all the things I never told you. 7 years seems like a long time not to know the person you live with. But I feel like you never really knew who I was. I never talked to you about who I had been, or growing up as a child. I avoided any topic that would allow you to pass judgement on me. You passed judgement so easily in my everyday life, I guess I didn't want you looking down on me and telling me how weird I was. Or stocking up ammunition to use against me in an argument. I raised your children, I tried to teach them wrong from right, I spent so many nights curled up on the couch alone. Some of the lonely nights of my life were spent with you ignoring me in the other room. Never giving me a chance to grow as a person, or to become interested in the same things as you. You just brushed me off as a lost cause. The errand girl used to drive your kids to their appointments day after day. Picking them up from school, dropping them off at practice. You'd get pissed when I'd get angry, never asking yourself why I was so angry. Even now you don't ask yourself why I've cut myself off from you. Why I feel so hurt and so broken by what you've done when in your eyes you were done with me two years ago, and I was still holding onto hope, sleeping with you like an idiot, thinking you'd change your mind and our family would magically mend itself. When you were constantly searching for something, anything that would replace me, because you were done with me and I was useless to you. You will never be able to look back on those 7 years and say you loved me, you could never answer questions about who I am, or why I am the way that I am. You will never understand the way my mind works or why I stayed, why I fought for us when I was the only one in the ring. You said you loved me, but it doesn't feel like love, and what you've left me with doesn't feel like friendship, or any remote form of respect. You finally found that perfection you were searching for and I just have to accept that I wasn't it, and hope that there is someone out there that will one day fall in love with every imperfect and quirky thing about me. Someone that will see my worth and will wake up happy that I am still lying next to them, someone who is not constantly searching for someone to fill my spot.

The Lumineers - Nobody Knows (From "Pete's Dragon")

2018-04-02T15:53:00.001-04:00

How the creators of “Loving Vincent” brought the first fully painted animated film to life

2018-03-31T10:23:00.001-04:00

Love watching his paintings come to life, although I'm not a huge fan and found the film to concentrate more on the mystery surrounding his death then what people find to be the genius behind his work.

How the creators of “Loving Vincent” brought the first fully painted animated film to life

Well then.....

2018-03-29T22:45:00.002-04:00

I have felt so anxiety ridden lately. Energy with no focus. I have a hundred of things to do and don't know where to begin. I need to find a way to re focus myself. I got a new job, a great job. The best job I have ever had, soon I'll be on my own again, it has been so long since I truly had my own place with no one hovering or being judgmental over how I do things. It's going to be interesting. Need to get my car fixed. A new car would be more ideal, but one thing at a time. I've been setting my alarm for 5:30 every morning, I'm worried I wont adjust, being on time is my one huge huge downfall and I hate that I struggle with it. A big part of it is my medication, I have to make sure I take it early enough, but not too early, and if I don't take it at all I wont go to sleep. I'm also finally coming off some of these medications I have been on for so long, I'm so sick of taking so many pills all the time, I will feel healthier once my body completely readjusts. Been binge watching Blackish. It's hilarious. Haven't played my video game in awhile, should try to work in a couple hrs here and there just to change things up a bit. Need to go to sleep, just have a lot going through my mind right now. I imagine the next few weeks will be like this, adjusting to a new life is always difficult.

I'm Sorry

2018-03-27T22:06:00.000-04:00

You'll never read this,

But I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry I started smoking again
I'm sorry I didn't quit the hundreds of times I said that I would.
I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect mother, or even near perfect.
I'm sorry I'm anxiety ridden and that I often let it get the best of me.
I'm sorry for being human.
I'm sorry that we made it to a place where we couldn't even hold a conversation without fighting.
I'm sorry you learned to hate me.
I'm sorry you learned to live without me.
I'm sorry I was never good with money.
I'm sorry I stopped trusting you.
I'm sorry I let you not marrying me being the focus of my anger.
I'm sorry for being so angry a majority of the time, and I'm sorry I couldn't find my way back from that place.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to get pregnant.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to be everything you wanted in a partner.
I'm sorry you didn't like my family.
I'm sorry that I didn't pick a degree you would be more proud of.
I'm sorry I was such a joke to you.
I'm sorry we didn't see eye to eye on politics.
I'm sorry I fought back when I should have just given in.
I'm sorry I got hurt.
I'm sorry I was out of work for so long.
I'm sorry I am so angry and cannot find a way to get past it.
I'm sorry I can't find a way to forgive you.
I'm sorry our friendship ended this way.
I'm sorry you're no longer part of my life.
I'm sorry you couldn't feel the overwhelming love that I carried for you.
I'm sorry for all the times you had to watch me cry.
I'm sorry we will never sit at the kitchen table drinking beers and laughing at facebook memes.
I'm sorry we will never sit next to each other trying to win at trivia.
I'm sorry I lost my best friend.
I'm sorry you didn't turn out to be the person I thought you would be.
I'm just sorry for everything.
I'm sorry for every tear that drips from my eyes.
I'm sorry, I am so very sorry.

Adele - Send My Love (To Your New Lover)

2018-03-27T14:46:00.003-04:00

Spontaneous

2018-03-27T14:46:00.001-04:00

So I guess I've moved on to the spontaneous crying portion of my life. Got in the car to go get fingerprinted, beautiful day, good jam on the radio and he just pops in my head and the tears start to fall and I start thinking of everything I did wrong, and everything I could have change, which would not have changed the outcome.
I decided yesterday to let this go, that what was meant to be would be. I have loved two other people in my life that I've had to let go, one of them went away and never came back which I am grateful for, because we were not meant to be and I knew that getting on that plane. The second one has popped up from time to time, I've had my chance, I could have married him as recently as last year, but it is not meant to be, because in order for it to be I would have to climb down off my high horse and lower my standards for someone who would never love me, treat me, or be there for me in the way that I deserve. So I'm letting go, and if that means I now spontaneously when least expecting, hopefully that means emotionally I'm pushing forward.

And then the perfect MEME pops up in your feed.

2018-03-24T10:33:00.002-04:00

2018-03-24T10:23:00.001-04:00

UGH!!!!!!!!!

2018-03-24T10:18:00.002-04:00

I am so fucking angry. My entire body is angry to the point it is making me sick. I keep taking deep breaths and reminding myself that I am allowing the anger to consume me and that I need to let it go, but the moments of peace only last a short while and then I feel it building back up again. I have to find a way to overcome this. I am hurt, I am humiliated, and I feel like 7 years of my life was a complete lie. I feel like I was played for an absolute fool by someone I love and care for deeply.
I try to constantly remind myself of all the mean things he said, and all the hurtful things he did, and that he used me and treated me like a piece of recycled trash. But the good memories keep slipping back in. I don't want to remember being happy. I don't want to remember feeling loved because those feelings were false. They were never really real, he just used them as a way to get me to do what he needed.
I want to be humble, I want to take the high road, but at this point I feel like high road is fucking closed and I just want someone to go to bat for me, someone to get in his face and defend me, but that's not adult behavior and it will only ease the pain for a little while and make me laugh, and he will never ever get it. He will never ever see what he did wrong, or how he hurt me. I mean nothing to him, and I deluded myself into believing that even it didn't work out we were still friends, but that was just a way for him to use me on another level.
I want to hurt him and I want to destroy his happiness, but that's not me. I don't intentionally hurt people just to hurt them, and to hurt him would be to hurt her and that is not fair to her, she is not the source of my anger, and in all honesty I feel sorry for her. I know that he will become the person he always is, and she will face the same decisions I did on whether or not she takes it or moves on. I can only hope for her sake that he doesn't cause her as much hurt and pain as he has caused me.

I need this in my life.

2018-03-12T13:47:00.003-04:00

Art Nouveau Leaf Lamp

It's Monday

2018-03-12T13:44:00.002-04:00

Good Bye

2018-03-10T13:02:00.001-05:00

I could cling to every good memory of us, until my heart overflows with the pain of losing what was left of you.
Instead I'll cling to every painful thing you ever said to me. I'll drown out every good memory with the sound of your voice belittling me,
I'll remember what a failure you seemed to think I was, and how useless my thoughts and feelings were to someone who never understood the depths of the human spirit.
Every time your smile flashes across my mind, I'll push it away with every fuck you you ever screamed at me.
Every time I wonder why not me, I'll answer that question with, because my dear you've been humiliated enough and it's time to move on to something better, something more beautiful, someone that understands who you are and can understand the beauty you see in the world around you.
I won't cling to every good memory we had, because the bad always outweighs the good and that is the constant reminder that builds enough strength in me to finally push you away. So good riddance my love, and may you never cross paths with someone who looks at you with as much discontent you once looked at me with.

Lang Leav

2018-03-10T12:35:00.003-05:00

Lang Leave

2018-03-10T12:32:00.003-05:00

Degas Exhibit

2018-03-09T13:03:00.003-05:00

https://twitter.com/nationalgallery/status/972128931401912320?s=21

I would love the opportunity to see this in person. Degas is what grounds me when my world starts spinning out of control.

Fierce

2018-03-08T22:12:00.001-05:00