kanitia

Engagement ring

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 11:24:00 +0000

about 8 months ago i bought myself a ring, it was something for me and to wear as something for me myself in that moment. i have always loved moon stone. so moon stone it became. womanly, magical, good for energy and circulation, my birthstone along with opal. Something so innocent and unexpecting has become so much. In different ways, situations, in life!
i associate the ring with safety from my stalker, it seemed a barrier to him and yet i never know when he will turn up. Phone calls have started again in a time i thought that just maybe he might has gone. he is back! i feel unsafe when i go to england so the ring comes whenever i travel there. but i am starting to feel trapped by this and feel i need to not react of this man who has such a profound ability to scare me. But he makes me strong because i realise how strong i am. i am not free from danger but i am strong.
the ring is also a clear sign that my heart is occupied. there is a great love in my life, such that i haven't been ready to experience until now. life is such a strange journey.In the way it prepares us for new challenges and surprises us with what is so unimaginably beautiful, that we don't imagine it.
i think to be asked to wear a engagement ring would be a big honour and moment in my life to remember. funny to own this now as i have never imagined to be engaged or to be chained to someone as i used to see it. to say to the law that you will be together when actually it should be enough to say this to each other. but a part of me wants to know that i am wanted and that i can want them in return so strongly as to say yes. to say i am totally in love with you and from this an attachment to build more love and deeper connection on. to love you, desire and want you, accept you for the beautiful person you are while we work together in creating a life we can both be fulfilled by. if he asked me i would say yes. once this had a meaning of freedom and now a wish.
the ring is still on my finger as i go to england. What does it mean and how has this changed? i am afraid, i am in love, i want to signify something and be significant. i want to love my beautiful man and bring fulfillment ot our lives, forgetting this stranger that imposes himself on something that is beautiful and changes my life.
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Cultural Soup: continuous training

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 10:20:00 +0000

Cultural Soup: continuous training: its been lovely to hear and see what you have written here on the blog. i really like the idea of a flash mob or performance. i am just talk...

A beautiful quote that gave me a sense of freedom in myself

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 11:48:00 +0000

'When you ask me why i cannot love you more calmly, i answer that to love you more calmly is not to love you at all.' Jeanette winterson

Airport Crowds

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 11:46:00 +0000

i find it always amazing to see how people are moving. Walking down the street, between chairs in a cafe, going to sit down standing up. To also notice how inefficiently we move and how we have grown accustomed to these habits. As a child we are flexible and have little strength i n our bodies. From this time we are formed by a series of habits, be it a toy we liked to play with, riding a bike, playing with a ball, or biting the soft toy bunny rabbit ear. no i didn't do that but i was madly in love with a tricycle that my grandfather gave me. But the point is we learn these habits from an early age, but they aren't necessarily good for the way our body was designed to move.
its interesting to see what we percieve as normal movement. i am sitting in a cafe having a coffee in schiphol, Amsterdam airport. Before i sat down i saw a gorup of people who were wearing red tracksuits and assumed they were a sports time. Then i Saw that they had Russia on their uniforms. This confirms in your mind that they must be athletes.
Then the whole group got up to go to their flight. Everyone didn't look twice at this group who as a group became normal. They were hugely disabled in movement, 8 or so had a definite limp and chronic stiffness in their body, others had crutches, 2 were in a wheel chair. But they out numbered those who don't think twice about a none limp impaired movement. So they became normal. Groups have an amazing power on the individual. Sometimes hugely positive giving more confidence, a feeling of beloging amongst other things. Sometimes not. In this case it was beautiful to see.
i find it always really amazing to see how people are moving

Bounderies in tango?

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 10:11:00 +0000

just a thought really from dancing at a milonga. i am wondering what is happening with peoples bounderies as we dance more tango. i see a different ideal of the sort of things that are acceptable in a traditional milonga and a more alternative one. Many sorts of bounderies are possible, important ones? well theres a question. but i do wonder how relationships survive in a milonga where its culture finds it absolutely acceptable that a woman comes and sexually kisses a mans kneck from behind, in full view of everyone including the mans wife. i don't mean a peck on an intimate spot but full on kissing, biting, sucking! i know the couple well and didn't want to be part of what went on due to respect to the mans wife.

so questions arise, why did he act as if this is normal behaviour from someone who is a 'friend'? is it for people around to make judgements? if she is indeed a friend does she respect either the man or his wife? aside from a judgement should i have to accept something that breaks down inhibitions that we as a culture slowly come to find 'normal'because of our acceptance? There are alot of tango events out there that unconsciously or/and deliberately break down peoples bounderies. but where is the social responsibility to putting these people back together or indeed asking permission before you therapise someone. and when people are in an unbounderied state what does this mean for their relationships, friends, husbands, wifes, lovers, the group? And importantly respect for each individual as they come, complete.

i am still in the process of questinoing as you can see from what i have written above. Questions hihi. but the reality of this through answers is an interesting one. what happenes when you ask yourself some of these questions. from two perspectives: 1. from an acceptance of other individuals to make their own choices in life and 2. how you feel deep down. are good healthy bounderies that protect your individuality and individual specials relationships (friendships, lovers, relations of any personal kind) being broken down?

Stalkers and Men

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 11:46:00 +0000

Where is the limit between stalker and man? Are they two views we can choose to see of the same person, or an illusion of each depending on what we choose to see. when is the moment that a stalker becomes reality?

For months now there has been a man intruding into my life unwanted. This could just as easily be a women stalking, but now i talk of a man. With any number of situations, emails and calls that come to mind. You never think of a stalker until another person says the word. after that i went to the internet to look up what was written about people who stalk. there were thousands upon thousands of pages dedicated to the subject. A dictionary says:'to follow or approach (game, prey, etc) stealthily and quietly, to pursue persistently and, sometimes, attack (a person with whom one is obsessed).' it was almost like boxes i could tick off, did i feel like this mans prey? YES. Is he persistent? YES Is he stealthy? YES. Does he follow me around? YES. Then the dictionary goes on to say:'to walk in a haughty, stiff, or threatening way'. With this definition this man became a stalker in every aspect. i went on to read another site about stalker personalities and again the more i read, the more i feel this situation is strange. To add to the description above this website adds that a stalker is usually deluding themselves that a victim loves them, that the stalkers actions are done to show true love to the victim and often don't see the harm it causes. here's the link: http://www.esia.net/Common_Traits_of_Stalkers.htm

My story starts with a big tango event i was teaching in about 9 months ago. we had met before this when i was supporting the Malvern tango scene to get going. He was checking out my situation then but it seemed harmless and i was very clear that i am happy with my boyfriend. i get it alot, so thought nothing of it. 9 months ago Jim(not his real name and sorry to all the JIMs out there, nothing personal),started to sit in my line of sight, when ever i looked up he would be there. if i djed he would sit directly opposite, he would ask me to kiss him good night, and say things like i need a good man to keep me. i reply to this that i have a good man, he is in Holland, and walk away. it looked like i had a private lesson free. JIm says something like ' i know you need the money, so i will have the next private lesson with you'. it felt like he was trying say i could be bought. like a prostitute. i told him no. He doesn't take no for an answer. Through the whole event he was trying to make contact, but not in an open friendly way. he was trying to make me feel small, like i was seeing things and its my fault that this is happening to me. i didn't feel safe on my own, but it was more a feeling at this point. after 10 days of this i leave and go back home in the Netherlands.

When i got home i told my boyfriend everything because i have nothing to hide. I have never lead Jim on, i have always been friendly as suits a teacher with her students but there has always been a border to how friendly with this particular man, because it didn't feel clear what he wanted from me. i was left with a yucky feeling that i couldn't get rid of, i was worried that Jim would follow me to my home, i felt physically unsafe. Becoming more introverted in the month that followed and on top of this he entered my nightmares. i can't express how strongly disgusted and yucky i felt with what had happened, the words don't feel enough right now. Then i recieved an email, he was saying racist things about a friend of mine and how we would make such a great event together. i didn't reply. i didn't hear from him and thought it was finished with. But this is also the time when prank phone calls started with 'caller unknown'. i can't prove it was him, but i can't think of another who has given me reason to think it might not be Jim.

At the end of April i traveled to hereford for a weekend of workshops. Jim arrived early, and i kept the distance. Part of my job is to also be host in the weekend, you are one of the people most seen and therefore need to welcome people. so i said hello from a distance and carried on with preparing my djing list. as soon as he came through the door i knew i shouldn't be alone, i asked the organiser who is also a woman if she could make sure i am not left alone with him, and also not to arrange any private lessons with jim. i tried to stay away from him and with people around me for the whole weekend. on the sunday evening we all went to the pub for a meal. i happened to be on my own at the bar ordering a drink and he comes behind me and puts his arm around me as if he wanted to take the contact that i was avoiding. i moved away straight away. while he was doing this my friend also arrived there and looked at me as if this isn't right if he does that. he tried to buy us a drink and overrode my objections. that night my friend dropped me at the airport and i returned to Netherlands again. i got a very intimate email where he was expressing his love for me, that we had our first look, and a completely delusional account of the weekend from his point of view. he described us as two lovers that were kept apart by circumstance. he noticed i had a ring on my wedding ring finger that looks like an engagement ring. that i should run away from my boyfriend to him. He was making out that my boyfriend was holding me by force. Which is crazy of course.

I softly told him that i wasn't interested, that it wasn't an engagement ring but might as well be. if my boyfriend asked me to marry him i would. he replies to this with situations i have no idea about but was supposed to be there. i was supposed to have been in cheltenham in the last months, but haven't been there for years.he mentions my ring as being only in tango and not of any real worth. I told him before, i would marry my boyfriend if he asked me. my ring is for me, but doesn't deminish the idea. I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND AND WANT TO MAKE A LIFE WITH HIM. Jim tries to talk it away and create a stronger seeming bond between us, making out that i have done something my boyfriend might not like. My boyfriend knows everything. Lastly when i introduced the idea of the CABACEO which was a fun half hour of exercises and discussion, which i believe alot of people found invaluable. He says that i shouldn't lead all these men on and that the people aren't ready for the cabaceo. Upsetting their wives. All this in one letter.

His next email a day later is letting me know how many women (he supposedly) has around him and how lucky i am that he is looking at me. He talks about getting into girls knickers and generally seeing women as fickle and unable to make their own minds up about what they might want. i.e him. He asks me to run to him after quoting what i wrote about my boyfriend "It's not an engagement ring but might as well be. If he asked me I would say yes. I am building a life and home with Jacob."

My reply to this was please leave me alone and don't send me emails on this topic again. he pushes and pushes while making out that i am the one not doing what i should do, or leading men on etc etc. i got tired of it. each time he contacts me he brings back this feeling that i am not safe. he is bigger and stronger than i am, if i am alone i don't know what he will do. I FEAR FOR MY SAFETY!

He then went on to post on a facebook group for bristol that he was worried about mysafety and asked whether a friend of mine could check i was safe and ok with my boyfriend in Holland. Long story short letting the world think that we have a link and that he has a right to know about my safety. i had a small number of people getting in touch saying i should contact JIm and let him know i was ok. I felt like my only safety was in a group of people and that people knew there was no contact between us. He had publically taken that away.

About a month ago he contacted me again and asked if he was aloud to get in touch now. Nothing ad got through. he didn't respect me as a person and was deluding himself about our relationship. He wouldn't take no for an answer using physcological games to make me feel stupid and unreasonable.

3 weeks ago i gave workshops in Southampton. it was near the end of the class when i was summing the workshop up. Jim walks in and sits directly where i would see him. my heart dropped but i carried on with the class as normal. I finished the class and started djing. the organiser came up to me and asked what the story was. Jim had upset her door lady and was demanding that the woman on the door tell him if i had a wedding ring on my finger. he was asking over and over until she got the organiser. Jim was asked to leave.

Everything came together last night when i stupidly went to a bristol milonga which is a place i know he goes to dance. it was a last minute idea to go because we had just got back from teaching in france. thought it would be fun. Jim walked in and all the old things he would do were there again. he would hover closeby so i would definitely see him, or sit on the opposite side of the dance floor looking at me. when i first saw him ran upstairs because i didn't want to see him. i was looking for another way out of the building. Then i realised and thought that i shouldn't show him that i was bothered. i had also unconsciously covered up a beautiful dress with something less shape showing. i went and sat down with my friends again. they were staying with me as they knew part of the story. i decided after southampton that everyone should know whats going on. its the only way i can be safe again after his public announcement on the bristol facebook group. the organisers again asked me if i would like him band, but i asked that they look after any young women that might be in their milonga and leave it at that.

the only time i was alone was when i went into the kitchen to get some water. Jim followed me. i was too quick and nearly out of the corridor again (leading to the dancing room). we met in the corridor and he siddles up to me saying hello in a really patronizing voice. i said' don't talk to me' and walked on. he carried on in to the kitchen and i went and sat down again. then i was thinking a moment about all that had been. how he didn't take 'no' for an answer, and kept pushing. how he was intruding on my life physically not feeling safe, emotionally worrying about places where he could turn up and not wanting to be anywhere close to him. Affecting people who i am working with and upsetting people around me. i became angry that he thought it was ok to do all this. Angry that he could delude himself that i loved him without any foundation and doesn't listen when i say i am not available to him. Why should he be able to scare me. Then lastly i thought i must stop this. i had said 'no' him through email but not said anything face to face. so i walked into the kitchen and told him' that i never wanted to recieve any emails, texts, phone calls from him. i didn't want him to talk to me or upset people who i am working with. he started to try and reason with me and make me feel small again. i knew in that moment if i listened everything would be for nothing. i said what i had to say and left the kitchen. he left the milonga soon after.

i don't expect this is the end, but i hope for it. i woke up this morning with the need to write everything down. this man has abused me verbally, and if annoyed i have no trust in what he is capable of doing. part of me doesn't believe in this stalker, put as i take in other peoples reactions to what is going on, reading on the internet, and when it comes to it trusting my own feelings. This Jim is a stalker. he freaks me out and if he is annoyed i don't know what he will do. i fear for my safety in that and thankful that i don't live in the UK.

i don't know why i wanted to write. but then thoughts come having said this. stalkers are almost taboo to talk about, but why should be as a community protect those that do us harm, be it psychologically, emotionally or physically? i am protected because i am fairly prominent when i am in the tango places where i teach or Dj. i want to make this situation public so that those younger women (in this case) will be more aware that this sort of thing can happen and don't feel bad about cutting off from someone who does this to you. Tell everyone you know for your own protection. i was far too late in all this, being friendly when i should have put a wall. keeping the situation quiet just in case he really didn't mean what he was doing, but i should have made it public. lastly this Jim isn't a ma to me, he is a coward that tries to manipulate people who he thinks he can control. i know i am not the first or last woman this Jim has tried to control. A man lives with integrity and honour in his life, this Jim has none.

This is not a fictional piece and is written as naturally as my thoughts flow to the page.

Welcom to our new blog, Cultural Soup

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 12:26:00 +0000

like performance? Tango? Interested in cross cultural projects? Then this is the blog for you. www.cultural-soup.blogspot.com

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 22:54:00 +0000

just read this, laughing. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 09:12:00 +0000

New blog for performance group coming soon!

Tango proeverij

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 11:23:00 +0000

tango proeverij met tango, chacarer en mate thee proeven, vanavond in leidscheirjn

'Abundant Obsession'

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 11:34:00 +0000

Where does a healthy hobby start and obsession begin? What draws us time and time again to the same place, person, thought or activity. Without question, without idea of what we search for and why we go.

My polymorphous relationship with dance has brought love, frustration, loneliness, longing for something more than myself. Forever ever on this search for the big experience that gets bigger and seemingly more dangerous as i travel this road. Dangerous to self belief, integrity and actual physical wellbeing. Surrounded by people who have less and more awareness of these processes than i do.

Now looking for finding myself, spending time in simply being, but there is an abundant obsession lurking in my subconsciousness everytime i sleep or day dream. i wake up from an epic adventure at night only to find a new day with everything it holds. Life has slowed down and now i have time to fathom my dreams.

Argentijnse Tango Utrecht

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 19:38:00 +0000

Its interesting to try and understand a new culture. making a new school here, setting up classes, making performances in different ways and most importantly advertising the fact that you are there. i always find a dilenma as a teacher and organiser. as a teacher i want my students to come to me because they want to learn what i can give them. i work as hard as i can in creating a clarity of teaching concept and idealogy that can teach them in a comprehensive and fun way. the difficulty is i really don't like advertising myself or pushing what i do into peoples views (something i see done so frequently), the problem is that people get lazy and this form of advertising works. They will choose the easy option which is understandable. but how is one to advertise that engages peoples enthusiasm while still respecting their space? I am sending this question to the universe.

Cliched Tango

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 18:56:00 +0000

Published in Doble Ocho Magazine

Imagine how is it to question if love exists. Grab hold of a feeling that no one could love you, why should they? What is there that is special about you? You are not beautiful. He never says so. He points out things that make you shy and unconfident. People on the street take more care and time to notice you, than your own lover. You do everything wrong, like putting the wrong seasoning in a meal you are lovingly making or use too much washing liquid for the dishes. Little things you never thought about before suddenly become something to avoid because of criticism.

YOU are too young and inexperienced to know that love can be something more. Not this strange in between world where you slowly close off from yourself and the person this lover was first attracted to. You become a nothing, he leaves you and then you have to piece yourself together again.

All this might have been avoided if he could simply say he was insecure about our age difference. Which was big, almost 20 years. That he found it difficult when I danced with other men closely. I own that I had too few experiences of relationships at 18 to hold my own ground.

One ‘tango romance’, my first, left me with these feelings. It took me 3 years later to put this newfound scepticism to rest. I found a love in a completely unexpected place. I had heard all these stories about the flirtyness of Argentine men, but I found one that defies the clichés. Or maybe it’s more apt to say he found me. We danced one night about 4 tandas, anyone going to Buenos Aires will know what that is supposed to mean. But we had only just met; we talked in our broken English and Spanish all night. Sharing experiences of everything from teaching tango to past loves. We sat under a moonlit sky, with waves of warmth surrounding us from the humid and sticky day (many clichés) that had been. He kissed me and then asked if it was ok. We kissed again (me smiling).

The next night we ended up sitting on my doorstep after a milonga, talking in the new day. Watching the sun rise and become engulfed in buckets of rain that drenched everything in seconds. Soaked to the skin we went up stairs to get dry. Later we sat naked and watched a meteor shower, hundreds of shooting stars. You are supposed to make a wish if you see a shooting star; I wished the night would continue forever in the calm, loving warmth of this beautiful man. The weeks I was with him shot by, I was so ill one night that I expected him to leave. I thought it was just fun us being together. But he covered me with a blanket and lit candles all round the bed. We talked for hours asking each other’s secrets. He told me he loved me. I was deeply surprised. He told me I was beautiful but timid and shy. I told him of my past stories and he understood. He told me of his and I understood. He was older than my first ‘tango romance’, but so completely different. Like dark skin and white. But I had to leave, return to my real world where love doesn’t exist.

We said goodbye, but we wrote everyday for months until I finished it. It was too much to feel so deeply for someone who wasn’t there. I transferred all this to another man 9 days later, only knowing this in hindsight. That story finished and I was going back to Argentina again. The first night I was there this beautiful man opened his arms and embraced me. We found another doorstep in some barrio, and caught up on the stories of the last year. He told me he had fallen into a relationship to get over me, but he was here now and nothing had changed. He loved me. How could anyone care so much about me that he would still love me after all this time? It might sound like ego, but I honestly didn’t believe until after this moment, that someone could feel this way about me. And more importantly that I feel the same way about him in return. I realised love isn’t about the clichés but how it feels to be present and loving with someone. There is often a good cliché that defines love but goes nowhere close to describing the rawness of feeling both wonderful and terrified in any one moment.

Argentijnse Tango in Utrecht

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 11:55:00 +0000

ik heb niet zo veel nederlands en ik wil een school maken in utrecht. Eigenlijk heb ik een school in utrecht maar ik weet niet goed manieren de mensen te vinden. het is een reis de eind van welke ik geen idee heb. In engeland ik weet hoe een artikel te schrijven de mensen te krijgen. ik weet ook dat daar zijn veel dingen dat ik er kan doen. de cultuur hier is heel anders en dus ook de mensen. wat doe ik hier in nederland, waar is een goede plek voor mij en wat ik doe? veel vragen en geen tijd, maar ik woon op de punt van het leven. dit voels goed.

Haiku by Isolde Kanikani

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 23:36:00 +0000

Haiku by Isolde Kanikani

Coldness of body
Brings clear thinking about life
Warmth makes us lazy

We possess a lot
Cherish far less than we own
Savour more with less

Music moves spirit
Notes exfoliate on ears
Like exhaled breath on skin

Body shivers now
With intoxication of scent
So vividly felt

Milonga sadness
Compellingly haunting me
To deep essence core

‘A place between worlds’

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 23:27:00 +0000

by Isolde Kanikani

I feel placed between worlds, faced with many options and directions. But without the boundaries of understanding what I want to do here, or what I need to do in order to fulfil in myself before I leave. I have no connections anymore to anything but a few people, it seems I have always sought people and friends but chosen a loners path. I have been so into the big experience, the next place to go, the new thing to learn that I have forgotten to build and grow something outside of myself along the way.

In the last year I have cut myself from everything that has been my life. Now I sit in an airport somewhere, Netherlands, somewhere. I sit here with a coffee in the early morning, amongst strangers that are also within an inbetween. I am nothing to them and they are nothing to me. But in this moment we are momentary neighbours and the intimacy of sharing breakfast, even if it is just coffee, leads to a comradery shared by those waiting to fly. I break away from this respite to seek the solitude of myself. I find myself in a no mans land between those I love, I find I am always leaving. It seems I have not exhausted my supply of wings. I am tired of leaving, I want to be home. But I have no use for this word at the moment. Its like a carrot dangled on a stick, I am walking closer and then it seems to move again and the way seems no clearer. At times it seems someone else has eaten my sense of home and I am lost to it as it is to me.

'Question'-Why become a high level dancer?

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 23:17:00 +0000

by Isolde Kanikani

Why become a high level dancer? What is the need behind this search? Is it the promise of more dances or a deeper more qualitative connection? Is there a line we can reach when there are fewer people we want to dance with? Why?

At some point in our tango adventures something changes or we leave for another activity that suits us better. For most of us this change is intrinsically personal but the need to become a better dancer seems to be a common outcome. Why? Whether its to become good at something or to be accepted in the ‘cool crowd’, to not be left out when people come asking or that we are hooked on the self learning process possible with this dance. I can’t answer for you, only bring the questions to aid your own searching. Always question and you will go far. Its when we stagnate in our knowledge that we are ‘good’ or that we have ‘achieved what is desired’, that we inevitably become normal or loose the things we found because we no longer work for them. I can only offer my own experience and that of those close to me.

My first lesson hooked me on tango and I wasn’t to know this until later on. I will always remember my first teacher Adele who was so beautiful in her deep red dress and graceful flowing movements. A bit cliché maybe but I was stuck by her beauty in the way she moved and more deeply as a woman. I was 16 at the time and searched for the discovery of what it was to be womanly, moving comfortably in my body.

But it was only about 6 months later, when I had a really bad lesson from another teacher that I questioned why each and every week I turned up to dance with people 2-3 times my age. The difficulty of the lesson that provoked the question was having to look into the eyes of my partner and walk around them in various ways, for about 15 minutes. This is fine if you feel safe, but he happened to be the known letch of the group and I felt decidedly more uncomfortable as we went on.

My only answer was that I loved this dance, and wanted to become a better dancer. In my case I had wanted to learn a dance since I was about 12 but never had the chance until I moved into an area with more things going on. The unconditional freedom one can have to move with partner and music, while confined in the movements and vocabulary of the Tango. These confines or boundaries, becoming the tools for creativity and fun. Without them we are left standing. I got addicted to the feeling of dancing in my body and connecting with other people. Also to the endless adventures I found myself in, travelling to faraway places and flowing spontaneously with those wonderful situations that can only happen when you are in the moment. Be it in the tango or simply in life. I was learning to be present with now and yet I found myself always planning the next big adventure, to the extent of not really living in the present one. Something that later become apparent in my search for people I wanted to dance with.

I travelled, I learnt and I grew as a dancer. After a little more than a year I was asked if I would like to teach. Something I had childishly dreamed I might do but never thought it was a real possibility. I was going to be a barrister and had every intention of going to law school in later years. But when I was asked, it was like something clicked into place. I said yes, and I started to teach. I carried on learning. I am still learning. I love teaching and I love dancing.

As I travelled I grew as a person and in the understanding of myself. When I was 18 I went to Buenos Aires for the first time. I grew in experience, the people I wanted to dance with when I got back home become harder and harder to find. I think many people can identify with this. Two things happened for me in this time. The first was that I felt people wouldn’t accept me as myself. They were becoming a mirror. I would see myself as 16 in their eyes. At 21, I went to America to help some friends with their tango scene while they went to Argentina. I taught regular classes, workshops and travelled to other tango scenes in the USA. Linking this with being in Buenos Aires for the 3rd time meant that it was about 4.5 months before returning to the UK. During this period, I realised that by allowing people to see me as a 16 year old, I was denying all the experience worked for and gained in the last 5 years. , in dancing ability, in understanding of teaching and most importantly with life itself. Some of my old ‘friends’ thought of me as an angel, innocent in many things. What they didn’t want to see is that I was more experienced in life, coming closer to the image of the woman in red I had seen at my first Tango lesson.

The second reason that people I wanted to dance with got fewer was a matter of perception and level of dancing. It was true that there weren’t so many people with the same level of experience to dance with in my area. As I learnt this got more and more pronounced. If I focused on this I would get frustrated and finally take myself away somewhere to find people who inspired me. But then the realisation came that all this is also a matter of perception. Yes there were few people around of the same level but why is that so important to enjoy a dance. Ok, one wants to be comfortable and stretched at times too. But one can be comfortable with a beginner. We can also have those amazing dance connections with someone who has danced under 10 hours. I know because it has happened many times. So why this idea that beginners should dance with each other and if you are ‘an advanced dancer’ then you do them a favour by dancing one dance.

Try looking at it from another perspective. If you can only lead ‘an advanced’ follower are you really so proficient? Can you make an absolute beginner feel like they have had the best 3 dances they could possibly have, with the clarity of your lead allowing them to find ochos, turns and at times even the cross? Have you tried it? As a follower have you given a new leader the feeling that he can lead you? Yes he is unclear in his body language, but are you sensitive enough to know what he is after? Ok last question; can you remember how it was to be a beginner when an experienced dancer danced with you, instead of giving advice on the dance floor? I can remember that far, just about (smiling). As a beginner that there were two men who would regularly ask me to dance. They were at a more advanced level. It was wonderful because they showed me I could dance with very little experience. Later it swapped round, I became more advanced and we still dance.

Some friends got as far as making the decision to stop classes, the figured that if they got more advanced than a lot of their peers it wouldn’t be so much fun. Prolonging the enjoyment they can have with tango. Some have still kept it up and have a great time in milongas. While others stopped learning and questioning their dance. Inevitably falling behind and in some cases stopping.

Whether you choose to find some way to prolonging the journey of learning and enjoying. Changing perception, maintaining level or travelling to faraway places. Or you take it for what it is a story with an end to tango, but a beginning to something else. Taking all the discoveries you have made along the way with you. Who knows, many go both roads. Can we try and savour this experience too long who knows. Keep asking yourself the questions that only you can know.

'A Vision of Tango'

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:53:00 +0000

Doble Ocho Festival Paper 2009
& Smoothmoves Ezine March 2009

I thought to try and describe how it is to dance tango but the words escape me, partly because I like the words unsaid. … maybe also because for me the tango has allowed me to experience myriad of situations, emotions and people. When all is stripped away I find myself, and inevitably the long search for the something that remains out of reach just far enough to take me further along the road and close enough to let me glimpse something of what I seek. But the subject of my journeying remains elusive even now.

Over the past 7 years (since the age of 16), Argentine Tango has become my life. It has changed the shape of my body, it has shaped the way I move when I walk down the street or enter a room. The fascination is in finding an understanding of Tango vocabulary felt in the core body, rather than externalised brain-induced shapes that fit a tango mould, and inevitably feel tense and ungrounded. The music offers me a chance to express my emotion, cliché I know. But if you imagine an individual who is so used to walking through the world alone, that they need a key to allow them to embrace another person, and through this embracing themselves. What are we without the key that unlocks us, and the mirror that is our partner when we dance? A question I am asking myself now, while searching for a little of life in the outside world.

Imagine being ensconced in red and black sheets, entangled in the naked beautiful limbs of a lover who is resting in this tiny cocooned world of two. Thoughts taking flight from the seeming entrapment of body, going to past experiences, scared of not living the full potential of life. Translated into encountering big experiences. Another box to tick off. But once you have found familiarity in the grand, one realises the skill of living is being present in the tiniest moment. I come back to my unbound body, to realise that I was trapped by my own search for freedom and any place apart from the one that I inhabit now. For me absolute freedom renders an individual immobile, but a periphery can be a starting point for boundless creativity and improvisation. Contained by dancers around you, moving inside the embrace of a partner giving integrity to their frame saying, I AM HERE.

My vision of tango is really a set of experiences and images; it’s a way to express my self in the fullness of the person that I am now. My views and thoughts are always changing, growing with time, as is the feeling of always wanting to learn and explore new ideas. If I remain true and present now, then tomorrow will be transformed. The last image a friend gave me, her vision of tango in brief. A good dance is like being snug in a sleeping bag, sinking deeper into this tiny world of two. A bad dance is being trapped in a sleeping bag with a your partner and desperately trying to get out.

'Storm Walker'

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:47:00 +0000

A little of Buenos Aires

She walks the storm
Enclosed by skies fallen, no! falling tears around
Greetings from a friend
Reaching through skin to bone

Now she may cry
For the storm will cover her tears
As long as she smiles
No passing stranger will see her wants and fears.

I walk stricken streets
Through the deluge of storm
Here I can cry
As my tears will go disguised
As long as I smile
No one will know the sadness that fills me
But in reality one has only to look into my eyes to see what is truly within.

But I am changed by storm as it enters into me
I am laughing as I walk these soaked streets
While others run and hide, and watching me precariously
My eyes twinkle reflecting humour of the lightning lit sky

Who is this stranger who carries this drenched laughter
Like a child she stamps her feet
knowing well that each step means more water
I smile back at her, for she has touched me to my core
I see sadness in her eyes, and spirit in her heart
This beautiful entity, walking freely
taken by tempest, to some remote land

she is storm walker…but is surely of this land………………..

'Step into the Dark side'

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:40:00 +0000

Smooth moves ezine, September 2008

The tango dream, one of passion, amor (love), and the embrace. Often blurs through taboos such as sensuality, lust, sexuality and politics. Painting a smudged flowery picture that is perceived to include clearly all of the above.

Another image is one of the Holy Grail that entraps every dancer into an ever-lasting fanatical search of the ‘One moment’ within which we will find a deep-seated feeling of unity with our partner and the space. Forever goaded on by the multifaceted mysterious awe of the elixir de tango that is the music. On occasions when we find such a connection it feeds the addicts need to find more of the same sustenance. So we are doomed or enlightened (depending on ones outlook), in the search for the Holy Grail, that is the oneness of two. But what about a step into the dark side.

The drama, passion and fire of tango are often what attract people to start dancing in the first place. But this is only surface tension seen and exposed in stage tango (tango fantasia). My interest is in the emotional and physical fuel that feeds the fire. Not the fire itself. As a dancer and teacher of tango I am intrigued by the processes people go through in order to learn and through this enjoy the dance. The way they deal with often-intense situations. The expectations and desires that come into play when confronted with oneself in relation to a partner or social jostling of a group of dancers. The desire to know oneself, to be sensually in ones own body. Or to explore the boundaries of sexuality within the dance. Sexuality and sensuality are often mixed up with desire or lust and amor (love).

Sensuality can be seen as ‘a preoccupation with the gratification via the physical senses. It’s about arousing the senses or appetites. Internally its about embodying yourself, externally exciting the senses of another person’. But this is too mechanical. As a dancer I don’t always seek to sensualise the dance for the other person. I am in the search to become sensual in my own body and to find a containment that allows me to know and feel myself better. Through this my feeling of sensuality is made stronger because it’s more intensely concentrated. Other people can enjoy the sensuality they feel in me, and even become sensual through this. But the important thing is that I am sensual for myself. Many people take this as a sexual come on within the dance. One is not allowed the hedonistic feeling of being in touch with ones own body. Instead it’s often taken into new realms of lust, love and sexuality.

I have seen many short stories of love/lust grow and diminish around me. Sometimes lasting only a few hours, days and long ones weeks. These stories are the culmination of two people dancing in the right circumstances to allow two to become one in movement, embrace and thought. What I mean by stories is basically taking this connected and sexual dance feeling to bed. WE, in our present culture don’t understand how to be in our bodies, so when we experience such a connection with someone that’s so strong, be it sensual sexual or otherwise. We mistake it for love in many cases. In others where there is more experience of this phenomenon, it’s more about a necessity in the fulfilment of desire, closeness and often wanting to be in RELATIONSHIP but have many fears around this in everyday life. Tango attracts many people who are unable to be in relationships in the outside world and so instead search for the hedonistic instant gratification found in tango. Often being disappointed (after a while), in what they find. But for me one thing seems clear. We all want to feel secure and be LOVED. Not all will agree, but if you look closely I think that you will at least see in others that what motivates us is to find security in what we need to live, one aspect of this is intimacy with others. We will go through many profound emotions, experiences the unfathomable histories of hurt and pain that are deeply held in our body memory. Also remember the joy and laughter, the happiness of good times and what it was to be accepted in a group or by an individual. The embrace once more allows us to experience this acceptance.

Permission is given, one dancer to another. The embrace is unhurriedly made. The dance begins, and the connection is made. The exploration of what is comfortable starts and then the tuning in fades. The individual ceases to exist in the sluicing movements of tango, endlessly moving around each other, sometimes for hours on end. All senses are unified in the sole purpose of staying present NOW. Attention focused somewhere in the centre of the embrace. Oblivion to the outside world in a cocooned sphere of energy and desire. Again the need for containment is present which intensifies all. The more restrained one is in not acting on desire, the more one is able to experience the nature of the desired. It’s like standing still when the music is building higher and with more energy, higher and higher again elevated into a climax of notes that ecstatically entwine themselves in the bodies of the two dancers.

The other alternative is to take all the energy of this epiphany and to spend it in movement, thus diluting and loosing the moment. Often seen in show tango because it’s more interesting for the audience to see movement and speed rather than a seeming closed off unemotional dance. The image of an animal with four legs comes to mind. Words hardly do this justice but if you have felt it you will know what I am talking about. If you haven’t then you have an idea of what could come.

Politics is also rife in tango as with any place where strong emotions exist and there are high personal stakes to be gained and lost. I am not talking about the politics of tango schools or those that exist between two teachers. But of the politics of hierarchy. One rises or falls on the grounds of dance ability and social ability. Being a performer, a teacher and/or organisers also has a big effect. The status is not so important as what it means. SECURITY in ones social group. More dances giving more chance of INTIMACY and possibly LOVE. Along with Stability and acceptance. We are happy in these states but what about taking a step to the dark side?

The alternatives are infinitely more interesting. Feelings of exclusion, not being loved, loneliness in a room full of people. Not feeling good enough, young enough or beautiful enough to be danced with. Age-old insecurities held in mind and body, suddenly exposed by rejections, the intimacy of an embrace or even a teacher working with a specific body part.

For example the jostling that can give a feeling of being with the in crowd is often due to past angst with groups. Someone who has experienced being a nerd or social outcast in school might feel the need to be ‘cool’ surrounded by those people who represent this. But if one is not accepted and in some way feels excluded deep emotions arise. I have the experience of one particular person being distraught, crying and intensely angry at not being asked to dance. She saw it as her right to have a set number of dances in one evening. The anger was directed at me because I am a host and teacher. For three days this woman let go of all her frustration at the situation, her anger and later the tears and sadness she felt at once again feeling like an outcast. I simply held the space, open for her to feel and to experience the process she needed to go through. On the fourth day she came and apologised. She owned her feelings and we talked of a time at school where she felt insecure and lonely. It was due to a lot of things happening in her family life at the time, but the loneliness and insecurity were created by a group of people at school. She had unknowingly transferred this past situation into this new group of people, and strangely they were reacting in the way she expected because she was projecting past pain onto new people. Of course they wouldn’t want to dance. On the 5th day she had the most dances she had ever had and said goodbye to be smiling and happy. She had been able to find a way of releasing old histories and found security and even a possibility for intimacy in someone else.

Another example is of a businessman who is used to working for himself. Having full autonomy and power to do, as he will in his working life. In other words an alpha person. He is used to being associated with the top, and will find it difficult firstly to start at the bottom in learning to dance. But also in not necessarily being seen as alpha in the tango world. The number of times I have been surprised to discover how many men and women there are, with high powered jobs and who are confident at what they do. When it comes to tango they become shy and seemingly needy of attention. Like a fish out of water, they try to find their way back to what they know. The top of the hierarchy. Either through obsessive learning of the dance or by association with the top. Anger is something often felt if they aren’t able to find water, i.e. to become alpha. I have another experience of an aggressive man in classes who is incredibly intelligent. He has the need to be recognised. He knows all the terminology and tries to bully teachers into giving more information than he is ready for. He gets angry if he thinks someone is denying him and passive when he is receiving a lot of personal attention from the teacher. When things don’t go his way or he can’t find a movement he is ‘supposed’ to know he will often take it out on his partner. A while ago we had a private lesson that I was secretly dreading, but agreed to. We had 2 dances in the whole lesson. One to start and one to finish. We ended up working with aggression and anger, what these meant for him. He wanted to explore these topics with me, and we made a good start. He realised that by being anxious about where he was in the social world of tango and as a dancer he was becoming a monster. Someone who everyone avoided and refused to dance with. His story is a little longer and took a lot more lessons but over the months he has become calmer and softer with his partners. Again through being aware of feeling insecure and out of water he was able to start to find more favourable place for himself.

Whether we are aware of tango as love and passion, or a simmering cauldron of sexual energy and sensuality is based on point of view. Backed by personal experience both in life and how much experience of tango one has. I am not intending to make you mind up for you, but to simply bring a little more light to the sexuality, sensuality, lust, love and politics that are seemingly inherent in tango.

Alongside this our own personal quests for the ‘Holy Grail’, each of will have a completely different story to tell, but there will be similarities in experience. Many people I have talked to at one moment or another, have felt some disillusionment about these deeply unfathomable moments of connection that at times surpass anything they have ever felt with a lover or partner. One has no idea its possible until it happens, it’s rarely talked about in any depth and one automatically assumes you have felt it when it is talked about. Without knowing for sure, with no context of what it is and what it means. It’s often misunderstood to be love instead or lust. There is no black and white here only a grey area for every individual is different, every experience of the ‘Holy Grail’ is different and is for the dancers to place.

If we take one step into the dark side we can become more aware of ourselves, we can open up possibilities in creating the security and intimacy we want and need to be happy. But this road is more difficult as you will find many things about yourself you don’t like and will want to change. And many others aspects of yourself which are truly beautiful and should never be exchanged for simple acceptance in a group.

The journey through darkness is more profound than the light at the end.

'Inside Story'

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 09:51:00 +0000

Smooth Moves Ezine March 2008

Argentine Tango came about in the late 1800's, at a time when many cultures were mixing (mainly European and Argentine), in music, in culture and in a basic need to survive in a place where work was scarce, The lure of promised riches from fertile land in Argentina were laid barren when many immigrant men arrived from countries all around the world. They found desert or rock in their allotted land, and so most migrated into the big cities, namely Buenos Aires and Montevideo. At one time there was approximately 70% men to 30% women and it was said to be even worse, this was due to many of the immigrants having left their families behind. These where the circumstances that lead to the formation of Tango, and the common representation of two men practicing together in order to increase their chances of dancing with a woman.

Its very hard to say exactly where it came from or how it formed, due to the many myths that engulf its past adding to the element of mystery in the dance which is so much a part of our intrigue as dancers. Some say it developed in the brothels of La Boca a barrio of Buenos Aires, others whisper conspiracy in saying that it originated in Montevideo and isn’t of Argentine origin at all. For me as a dancer I feel its origin isn’t so much important as its nature to evolve and change with the times, and even the fashions of clothes, music and the way people are expected to relate to each other in society have had influence. The pencil skirt for example, made it impossible for the women to make large steps, so in the 50s when this was ‘ la mode’ the movements become smaller and much more compact. But there is also a wonderful sense of preserving the old, there are many organizers that promote traditional tango in a form that is as close to Buenos Aires as it ever can be considering that we live in a another culture with a different way of life, tempered also by a change in times and the roles of men and women.

But the dance is something more than an explanation of its existence. This is merely a context for tango, a generality or cerebral way to try and understand it. My personal experience of Tango has been an adventure I could not have predicted. Improvisation, playfulness and a willingness to explore are characteristics in the dance that have unconsciously diffused and taken residences as a way of life.

I still remember my first lesson which was in a big theatre, edges darkened, lights dimmed for atmosphere and its most prized possession was a perfect wooden dance floor. A woman clad in a beautiful flowing dress, red when caught by the light, took us through the first steps of tango. There was one moment about half way through the class, when she gave me some hint or glimmer of what the dance could be like in experience both in terms the sensuality in the body while creating the movements of tango, and the feeling of simply expressing the music. I was hooked in the space of half an hour only to be told afterwards that there were too many followers, and that I being the last to sign up would have to wait until the new classes started. I was upset and crying when I left, but was soon rescued by another teacher who had more men than women. So the precarious start to my tango journey had begun only to lead to more obsessions in body and movement as the months past. I now teach and dance all around the world, moving from one dimly lit room to another.

I am always in search of something that the dance gives me and still I cannot name it. But what I do know is this dance is beautiful for the fact that you can never stop learning if only you are open to the possibilities. The improvised nature of Argentine Tango gives special moments of spontaneity and connection very hard to find elsewhere. With music and a space to explore and freely express it being introduced to the concoction, I am surprised any of us ever find a reason to stop.

The dances existence was provoked by the differences between men and women. Its evolution and origin forming from the immigrants with their many dances, and music traditions when arriving to Argentina. Its status and reputation growing with the travel between Buenos Aires, Paris and the popularity that is growing around the world. Continually evolving with the times but protectively coveting the old and the traditional. Lastly Tango is the technique and playful improvisation that allow two people to experience connection with each other around and through the music.

Forever friend

noreply@blogger.com (Isolde Kanikani) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:58:00 +0000

sometimes i think its so rare to truly love and be loved by another person. somehow all the complexities of life interfere with the simple act of loving someone or something. we get too caught up in what it means if we love someone, what we want need or fear from loving and how should be go about doing this in the right way. also in the fantasising about how it should be if we really fall in love. i am very slowly learning there isn't a right way, but getting my brain to take this on in a practical way is totally different to understanding it intellectually.

but when it comes to animals we humans (especially the english it seems), have a huge affinity for love with no complications. so i right of the animal that showed me unquestioning love. she had many roles in my life when i was growing up sister, mother, friend, tiger, little monster and Rose the cat that loves me. it may sound strange but i think she shaped the way i relate to people both in physical contact and in the way i love someone.

The reason i write about love and this Rose is that she passed away on the 20th June 2008. she lived to the age of nearly 20, accompanying me through life from when i was 4 years old. we grew together, loved together, she had fun with tom cats and we looked after her babies, together.

we used to play this game where she would run off into the house and scatter up to the top of one of the doors, i would chase after her and have to shake each door in turn to make sure she wasn't there. when she was she would jump downa dn run to the next. in the beginning it was usually because i was trying to catch and put her outside for a while, but eventually it became a game we both enjoyed.

when she was about 8 months old she started to have many kittens. the first ones died as she wasn't really aware of how to look after them. i learnt so much about life and death and suffering from these kittens. but also about the joys of the world. in the beginning we had to feed the kittens with cows milk through little pipets from medicine bottles. they died anyway but it was the trying that mattered, and of course the fact that Rose slowly got the idea that it wasn't enough to get frisky with Tom cats but if she wanted the kittens to live she would have to feed them. she became a very good mother. we ended up keeping 5 of her babies at various times (bryer, merlin, simba, jasper better known as 'little boy' and daisy). as she got older some of the kittens were being born malformed. i was helping her with one litter when i was about 12 years old. there was one baby born with no skin and some of its limbs were missing, but amazingly it lived. i steeled myself, took the kitten outside where there was a big flat rock and i crushed it with another. i was shaking so badly afterwards but it was the right thing to do. it was in such pain and was making these horrible noises. i had to help it. this was the best i could do. she had approximately 70 kittens over all and she filled many peoples lives with the love that only animals can give to humans. in some ways later on she was also a typical italian big mama, with her boys who sorted her territory in Penzance and then she was retired to devon where she was loved alot by my father or Da.

it was only in her last years that i was away from her alot (and my father or Da loved her and was loved in return). i have many tears, but know she had a good life. its difficult to think that she died on the day that i really let go of living in the UK. i think somehow she knew this was the time within which everything was changing. She was and will always be deep in my heart, my little tiger, My Rose.