Divorce, loss and fear can cause a person to fall into a rut and before you know it you have moved in, decorated and given your rut a “Home Sweet Home” sign. Divorce brings so much change that we want to keep everything else in our life the same but just because something is familiar doesn’t mean that is the right thing for your life. Divorce can make us feel sorry for ourselves and turn into victims of circumstance. Yes, you are going to have to work through some major issues in order to rebuild your life after divorce but if you aren’t changing, you aren’t growing but rather spinning your wheels – decorating your rut.

Today is the day to break the cycle of day-after-day redundancy and climb out of your rut. Begin to improve the way you feel about  yourself and change your life by getting physically active and eating a well-balanced diet. Start small and work your way up to bigger goals. Regular exercise and healthy eating will have a tremendous effect on your physical and mental health.

As you break from the daily routine you may find yourself noticing new and exciting things. Colors begin to appear crisper, the air is fresher and you begin to have a new improved outlook on your future. That moment comes when you realize that divorce isn’t the end of your life but it is  a new chapter and an opportunity for you to learn from mistakes and create a better you.

Some ways to get out of your rut are to visit new places, try different foods, take a different route home, listen to a book on CD while sitting in rush hour traffic, give up TV for a couple days, rearrange your furniture, journal your thoughts, pick up a new hobby, the list can go on and on. The whole point is to take action and start doing things you enjoy and stimulate your mind. If you are scared or nervous remember that change can be very rewarding and empowering. Overcoming your fears and realizing that you can survive-and even thrive-without your partner is one step on the road to healing.  And the best thing? You can start changing your life  this very minute.

Jason Deines is the publisher of  www.walkingthechristianlife.com, a coping with divorce website which encourages individuals to spend time learning from their past and develop a mindset that will make them better and stronger for tomorrow.

As you go through divorce and feel the ground moving beneath you…so many aspects of your life shifting and changing, it is easy to hold on tight, to stay within your comfort zone.  That feeling of knowing what you have and what to expect SEEMS the best choice compared to venturing beyond the borders of comfort into the unknown…especially during this already unsteady time. Or maybe not…

Our comfort zone is really more about what we find familiar.  But familiar is not always best for us or even ‘comfortable’.  Ask yourself where you are feeling stifled but afraid to step out and take even a small risk.

• Are you afraid to speak your mind because you might rock the boat, cause someone to get upset and you typically don’t do that?
• Are you uncomfortable taking time for yourself, which you desperately need because others might get mad at you?
• Do you feel lonely but cannot bring yourself to go out with new friends, because it has been so long and feels so awkward?
• Are you in an unhealthy situation and cannot imagine being bold enough to step out because the fear of the unknown feels greater than the discomfort of your current situation?

If you were bold and courageous enough; if you could get past your fear, how would it be to change some of these old patterns and behaviors that you are stuck in.  To what degree has your comfort zone become your prison?

Think of one baby step you can take this week to begin to step outside of that zone of comfort and to live in a new way.  Perhaps the baby step is visioning what that part of your life might look like…what would you change if you felt empowered and capable of doing so?  How does it feel to think about that?  Or call someone and ‘do’ something to stretch and begin to break through your comfort barrier.

Tell us what you want to do or have done in this area.  Share your fears and/or successes with us.

By Guest Blogger

Dating after divorce can seem daunting.  For some it is easy, they just slide back into the social scene without skipping a beat, but for most facing a firing squad may seem more appealing.  The fact is, we are predisposed to be a unit, and that need for companionship with someone of the opposite sex who is over the age of 16 will appear again sometime after your divorce is final.

When the need to date and find a mate comes back after divorce, here are some helpful tips to get you back out there.

1.  Freshen up.  Let’s face it, after taking care of kids and everything else that comes with being a single parent, a little freshening up is in order.  Get a haircut, buy a new outfit or get a manicure.  When you look good you feel good and when you feel good you attract people to you.
2. Join up.  Dates will not fall on your doorstep, no matter how hard you wish for them.  Join a book club, a running club or a local meet-up group that caters to people that are in the same boat as you.
3. Put out the word.  Let your friends, family and even neighbors know that you are back on the market.  You never know who they may come up with to set you up, because someone always knows someone who is nice.
4. Get online.  The world revolves around the Internet these days, and joining a dating site, such as Post-Divorce Dating Club, is a great way to meet like-minded people.  Put up a recent picture and keep your profile light, you will surely attract plenty of attention!
5. Safety first.  Remember some of the safety rules, such as always meet a first date out, make sure your cell phone is fully charged and let a friend know where you are going and who you are meeting.
6. Forget the ex. Don’t spend your first, second or even third date talking about your ex.  It is natural that you will compare and contrast, but keep it to yourself to pull out later when you are telling your friends about the date.  Your date doesn’t want to hear about it, and it is a sure sign that you really aren’t ready to be back on the market.
7. Date wisely.  You don’t have to go out with every Tom, Dick or Jane that comes your way.  Because you have been there and done that already, take your time and only meet those people who you think you will have something in common with and that you find interesting.
8. Choose your times.  Your kids don’t need to know that you are going to be dating again, and because you are divorced, you now have the time to date when your kids are with the other parent.  Take that time to go out and when your kids are home, stay home with them and enjoy that time together.  They still really need you.
9. Don’t be nervous.  There is no question that meeting someone new is always nerve wracking, but they are probably just as nervous as you are.  It is just coffee, dinner or a glass of wine.  If it is terrible, what is the worst thing that can happen?  You say thank you so much and leave!
10. Have fun.  Dating can be fun if you pick the right people to go out with and you are ready for it.  It is one more step in your post-divorce recovery that tells you that you are moving forward with your life in a positive and healthy way.

Lee Block is a multi-talented, twice divorced mom of two who saw a need in the post-divorce community and created a family of sites centered around fulfilling that need.  Lee has successfully launched The Post-Divorce Chronicles, Lee Block.Com, and The Post-Divorce Dating Club, all within a matter of months. Lee is a certified professional divorce coach, published author, public speaker, blogger and writes for the Huffington Post, as well as many other online and offline publications.  Startup Nation recently recognized her as a Leading Mom in Business in 2011.

• What if you shifted your focus to the effort you can put in each situation to arrive at your desired goal?
• In fact, what if you could make it all about the process and your effort?
• When you give something your full attention and best effort what happens?
• If you are totally present with each matter that you must address, how might that affect your experience as you go through your transition?

Surrender the outcome

We can only be expected to do our best.  The rest is out of our hands.
When we are present and focused on our own efforts, our anxiety subsides.
Why is that?
Because we are focusing on the thing we do have control over, our effort.

I want to encourage you to completely focus on your effort as you navigate the upcoming months and year.  Instead of your focus being on what your STBX is doing or your next court date or the final shared parenting schedule, focus your attention on what YOU CAN DO.  The lessons you are learning, the choices you are making, the opportunities you are finding, the patience you are developing, the grace you are practicing.  Focus on the effort you are consciously choosing to put into your life, every day.

The bottom line is that none of us have any control over the outcome.  Olympic athletes train intensely for years to prepare for their big event.  It is all about their effort leading up to and being present during their event.  If their competitor does better, they have no control over that.  The can only do their best.

The most successful athletes will tell you that when they are ‘in the zone’ they are never thinking about the outcome.  They are completely focused on the present moment and giving it all their energy and attention.  It is in those moments that they accomplish their most monumental achievements.

Look at your circumstances with new eyes and consider the effort you want to put in.  If you don’t attain your goal, perhaps the value was in the journey.   Look at what you have gained.

• What came out of giving 100% effort?  How did you grow?
• What did you learn?
• What new relationships did you forge as a result?

When you think about adjusting your attention to the effort, how does that feel for you?
What resistance or ease comes with this shift of focus?

We would love to hear from you.

Going through a divorce can be isolating.  Depending on the problems with your marriage, you may be feeling fear, guilt or shame.  You may have been keeping your marital problems secret for a long time, believing that one does not ‘air their dirty laundry’. You may have been blamed or accused of being crazy because you instinctively knew that something was wrong but always had your feelings diminished or invalidated.

Now that you have decided to end your marriage you need to talk about it and process this dramatic new change in your life.

You want to know that you are not crazy and that there are others going through the same range of emotions as you.  You are grieving the dream that will never be and trying to understand and come to terms with the host of emotions like anger, fear and upset that swing like a pendulum from moment to moment.  You want to feel hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Your married friends may want to help but cannot relate or you fear that they are getting tired of hearing you talk about it.  You may be overwhelmed with everyone’s opinion about what you should do which is just adding to your confusion.

You want support and encouragement; to develop clarity; to know that you are not alone or crazy; to feel you are part of something again.  Yet you haven’t been able to find a support group that fits with your schedule; that is more about helping you to get healthy than about bashing your soon-to-be-ex; that isn’t awash in religious dogma.

WE HAVE CREATED A SUPPORT GROUP THAT MIGHT BE JUST RIGHT FOR YOU.

Our Cyber Support Group connects people going through divorce no matter what stage of separation or divorce you are in, where you live or what your religious background.  It is all about encouraging you through this difficult time.  We focus on helping you to develop clarity around your goals and how your fears are holding you back.  We share strategies and offer tools that help you navigate the emotional storm more steadily.  We connect you with others going through the same experience.  There will be those that are further along than you who offer hope and those that benefit from hearing about your progress and growth.

From the comfort of your home, you can connect with others going through divorce and talk about your fears and frustrations, gain clarity and a much-desired sense of sanity.  Facilitated by a certified professional divorce coach you will feel supported and begin to get stronger and healthier while meeting new people and making friends that you can connect with between meetings.

Begin with our FREE Intro to Cyber Support held the third Tuesday of each month from 8 – 9:30pm EST.  You receive a call in number and private access code upon registering.

Our ongoing Cyber group meets every 2nd & 4th Tuesday of the month.  Members are part of a private chat room where you can connect with others between groups and receive additional email support and private phone sessions whenever needed.  Learn more about Cyber Support here.

Register Now for the next FREE Cyber Support Group Session.

For more information or to speak with one of our Divorce Coaches, click here or call us at 516.992.0828